50 Ways to Leave Your (Lesbian) Lover

1. Just Return Her Jeans, Irene
2. Slip Out the Back, Jacq
3. Run for the Hills, Jill
4. Get on a Barge, Marge
5. Don’t Open Her Texts, Lex
6. Ask for Her Keys, Bree
7. Break the News to Your Moms, Yvonne
8. Discuss Custody of Your Favorite Brunch Place, Grace
9. Give Back the Lelo Mia, Leah
10. Just Ignore Her, Nora
11. You Can Stop Trying to Communicate More, Eleanor
12. Sometimes Love Doesn’t Win, Quinn
13. Be Free, Sophie
14. Pull a Slow Fade, Jade
15. Her Favorite Movie is “You, Me and Dupree,” Aubrey
16. You’re Right It Would be Tough for Your Eventual Marriage to be Interfaith, Faith
17. There’s Nothing Left to Process, Tess
18. She Never Cut Your Bangs Even, Eden
19. You’ve Already Tried Couples Therapy, Leslie
20. Turn a New Page, Sage
21. You’ve Already Gotten Back Together Twice You Don’t Need to Do This Again, Jen
22. Lean Into that Breakup Hair, Blair
23. Literally Please Just Leave, Eve
24. You Don’t Need to Stay Friends, Wren
25. You’re Ready to Run Just Like the Dixie Chicks, Beatrix
26. Just Take Some Space for Two Weeks and See, Avery
27. She Stretched Out Your Favorite Tee, Holly
28. Breaking Up With Your First Girlfriend Won’t Mean You’re No Longer Gay, May
29. Take Her Dog Crate Out of Your Van, Anne
30. Get Your Own Hulu, Lulu
31. Get a New Gal, Val
32. Accept You’re Losing Your Copy of Valencia, Alexia
33. Unfortunately You Two Aren’t Brittana from Glee, Kayleigh
34. She Bought a Rearview Dreamcatcher for Your Jetta, Etta
35. Your Enneagram Types Don’t Mesh, Jess
36. You Could Probably Get Accepted to Raya, Naya
37. It’s Time to Get Out, Scout
38. You Can’t Make It Work with an Aries, Louise
39. She Didn’t Like One Day at a Time, Coraline
40. She Was Serious About Living Off the Grid, Astrid
41. Do You Really Want to Cosign on a Car Loan, Joan
42. It’s Not Worth Her Eyes of Emerald Green, Jolene
43. She Honest to God Actually Speaks like Alexis from Schitt’s Creek, Angelique
44. Her Relationship Role Model is Shane, Jane
45. Take Your Kombucha Starter and Go, Shiloh
46. Just Say Bye, Lorelai
47. Remember When She Didn’t Believe Your Allergy to Citronella, Stella
48. You Don’t Ever Have to Make Another Couples Trip to IKEA, Aliyah
49. She Never Waited for You to Watch Pose, Rose
50. You Have to Start Calling Her Your Ex, Alex

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Rachel

Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1141 articles for us.

30 Comments

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    • I’m “You’ve Already Gotten Back Together Twice You Don’t Need to Do This Again, Jen.”

    • Ooh I’m definitely Accept You’re Losing Your Copy of Valencia, Alexia

      And tagging my ex here too: Just Return Her Jeans, Irene.
      Also please include my copy of Valencia in that return thx

    • She’s Not Gonna Call, Moll
      Stomp Each Remaining Eggshell, Rachel
      Not Feelin’ Clothing-Lendy, Wendy
      Scream Til You’re Deaf, Steph
      Write Awful Limericks, … uh … Shimmerick.

      … ok I think I’m done here.

  5. Lol #36! My nickname is Naya and I had to google what Raya is 😂 Still not sure I could get in!

  7. I know that Rachel’s recent weekly relationship posts aren’t technically their own series but can we call them the series that have revolutionised…well, everything.

  9. I really managed to hold together until “Get Your Own Hulu, Lulu” and “You Don’t Ever Have to Make Another Couple’s Trip to IKEA, Aliyah” delivered the finishing blow

  14. “You Can Stop Trying to Communicate More, Eleanor” is unnervingly relevant to all break ups I have ever had. Wow. Rachel has given me a lot to think about.

  17. I honestly never expected Coraline to be on this list but I would fully end it if bae didn’t love ODAAY

  19. “She Honest to God Actually Speaks like Alexis from Schitt’s Creek, Angelique”

    WOW!!

  22. Take Your Kombucha Starter and Go, Shiloh

    Is just too on-brand. You have witchy powers Rachel

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