Hello friends, family, enemies-to-lovers origin stories!
How’s the first couple of weeks (kind of) of 2019 treating you? Are you demolishing your goals? Are you treating yourself well? Drinking enough water, getting some of those important I can’t remember the name sunlight rays? Have you already surpassed last-year’s-you gayness levels? Has a fish bitch-slapped you in the face and then fallen into your pocket while working? Have you tried to sneak rescue animals into your house recently?
I have a confession to make. I don’t come here with just shits and giggles, my friends, I’m here for some serious business:
We need new meet-up spots.
Gone are the days when I can uncomfortably hold the same drink for three hours straight while loud music plays over me and I don’t realize I haven’t taken the tag off my outfit until a kind lesbian lets me know. I can no longer hope to meet enough people once a year at a Pride event. I can’t always take five trains and nine buses and hope a space alien will let me hitch a ride on the off chance I’ll make eye contact with someone not straight who will understand me telepathically willing them to fall in love with me or at least move closer so I can talk to them. I have done enough and we should be able to meet each other outside of this cyber space (though thank God for it). We deserve better this year and all the years to come.
That is why I propose our local pet stores.
Hear me out!
As I’ve started my new job, guess what lovely surprise was waiting for me as I literally get paid to talk to dogs? It’s this: THERE ARE SO MANY LESBIANS AT THE PET STORE (and for my Speakeasy fam, you go to the right one THERE ARE EVEN MORE OF US! 95% of the lesbians I’ve interacted with here are black/poc and I’m like, “I made it to heaven, I knew there’d be dogs and lesbians there. I can’t believe it!”).
You wouldn’t believe my shock when after clocking in and getting ready to up my dog daily pet tally, that people who seem to be lesbians are walking around the store. Asking me for dog food and giving the *knowing* look and a grin while I completely lose focus and try to remember my name. I thought this just happened in Living Single and The L Word! But it turns out the gays were here all along!
(Now, keep in mind, we’ve got several monogamous couples coming in hot, but shit if it isn’t healing just being surrounded by not straight not cis people while going about your daily business.)
A butch lesbian flirted with me while in the checkout line. Like, it was so obvious even my mom (who happens to pop in from time to time, it’s chill) found something to look at in the back of the store so she wouldn’t “ruin my game” (as if I have any)! Let me repeat this, my mother left the line so a lesbian could actively check me out while I checked her out. (I’ll see myself out on that one.) THIS IS THE STUFF OF FANFICTION PEOPLE!!!! DON’T YOU WANT YOUR FANFICTIONS TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND BECOME REALITY?
And it’s not just us! Someone just came in last week and talked about how his husband did something for him LIKE IN NORMAL CONVERSATION!!! LIKE WE’RE A SAFE PLACE??!! I HAVE BEEN IN A TIZZY AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.
You may be saying, “Alexis, you’re late to the party here,” but gentlepeople I believe I am right on time. In this reality of certain chaos and turmoil, we need spaces of respite, where we can gather ourselves and be ready to fight another day and we need community in order to do it. That community has apparently been buying cat beds from Aisle 13 this whole time.
Let me appeal to my fellow introverts. This place is perfect because: 1) if you come in with an animal, that is already a great talking jump off point: “Oh, what’s your dog’s name?” (you don’t even need game for this to happen!) 2) You can ask if you can pet the animal (which shows that you’re already about consent/mindful of others’ space/YOU GET TO PET AN ANIMAL) 3) You can arrange for the animals to play/to see the animals more which means you’ll see their pet parent more and voila! Another gay in your life! A bonus: if anything goes awry with this conversation, there will be more animals already waiting to be your therapist and listen to how you’re gonna do better next time. The birds and hamsters are cheering you on!
Not feeling like this is the place to be? I wanna hear about it! Get in here and tell me what the new meet-up spot should be (so I can write it down and go there immediately)! Don’t wanna talk about any of this? I’m here for that too! The point I want to drive home is I wanna hear about your life and I’m so happy you’re here so as the kids say, let’s get this party started!
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