Gifts To Help You Win at Dirty Santa (Which, Yes, Is a Competition)

HOLIGAYS 2017 / Autostraddle — Click here for Holigays 2017

It’s coming. The nebulous nondenominational gift exchange, aka. “Secret Santa,” season. I can’t help you with the exact rules involved in any of these semi-secret group gift exchange schemes (both because I can never remember the rules and because there’s a lot of regional variation), but what I can tell you is this: no matter what anyone else tells you, it is a competition. And the only thing standing between you and that sweet, thrilling thrum of victory is finding the perfect ridiculous gift.

Friend, I’m here for you in this time of need.

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

Autostraddle Gift Guide: Dirty Santa Hippos — [1] 3D Color Changing Night Lamp ($24.59). [2] Hippopotamus – Advanced Graphics Life Size Cardboard Standup, 49″W x 56″H ($39.99). [3] Hippo Mask ($24). [4] Glass Figurine ($8). [5] Hippopotamus Succulent Planter Display Piece ($12). [6] Glitter Mouth Hippo Planter ($15.65). [7] Kawada Nanoblock Hippopotamus Building Kit ($11.90). [8] Hippo Painting ($16).

There are only two good reasons I can think of to buy that hippo mask: one, you have an impending murder scheduled, or two, you’ve got a weird work gift swap thing coming up. ‘Tis the season! Go big or go home, you know?

Christmas on Christmas

Christmas themed holiday presents are the worst to receive, which makes them the perfect thing to give in semi-anonymous gifting situations. At best, the recipient will get 3-4 weeks of use out of the item before having to put it into storage for the next year. I.e. they’re going to be working through that three pack of annoying musical hand soap for the next five Christmases, probably. Alternatively, you can assert your gift giving dominance more overtly by presenting them with a bag of disembodied Santa heads. Why not, you know?

All I Want For Christmas Is You

Autostraddle Gift Guide: Dirty Santa Mariah Carey — [1] “All I Want for Christmas Is You” Animated DVD ($12.96). [2] Bestselling Female Singer of All Time and Pop Diva, Songbird Supreme and Talented Prodigy Inspired Adult Coloring Book ($10.00). [3] Mini Cardboard Cutout ($19.97). [4] Original portrait ($13.67). [5] Mariah’s World: Season One DVD ($15.49). [6] Mug ($19.14). [7] “I Don’t Know Her” Butterfly Enamel Pin ($10). [8] Altar Candle ($10).

God bless Etsy. There is some truly terrible art out there, and an inexplicable amount seems to involve Mariah Carey (true queen of Christmas, long may she reign). You can’t go wrong with anything featuring the songbird supreme, really, but may I suggest the original portrait pictured above? It would bring me so much joy to know someone was getting in on that.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

Is there anything more simultaneously terrifying and hilarious than teeth? No. No there is not.

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I guarantee everyone will laugh nervously but secretly respect and admire you if you gift someone that raccoon tooth on a leather chain.

Some Other Suggestions

Autostraddle Gift Guide: Dirty Santa Other Stuff — [1] Bacon, Beer, Dirt, and Lawnmower Clipping Scented Candles ($20). [2] Vintage Ceramic Pot Shaped Like a Bunch of Turnips ($10). [3] 80s 3-D Fishing Snapback ($16). [4] Pencil Sculpture – Skull ($13.67). [5] Camel Jerky 100% Camel Meat ($14.99). [6] Vintage 1970s Creations Coronet Monkey Stuffed Toy with Rubber Face ($8). [7] Alien Cyclops Pendant ($7.32). [8] Miniature ELK Head made in USSR ($17).

If you’re not into themed presents, worry not; there are still plenty of good options out there. Last year, for example, I brought this 5.5″ creepy doll head candle to my workplace exchange! This year, you could bring a miniature elk head made with real fur! Or a nice lawnmower clipping scented candle! There are a lot of possibilities. Just follow your heart; you’re gonna crush it.