Q: Even though I know it’s hideous of me, I’m really angry with my friend of a couple years for not getting treatment for her mental illness. One of the last times we hung out just the two of us, I spent hours trying to convince her to go to therapy — which is available for free in our town. I even offered to go with her if that made it easier. She’s refusing on the grounds that she isn’t worth helping (and I know this is a symptom of her mental illness).
Since then, luckily for me, travel for both of us has led to less time together, but I’m realizing that this stuff has changed our relationship more than I thought it did. She wants to hang out one-on-one but I really, really don’t want that to happen. She keeps saying she misses me (we see each other during group hangs). I don’t want to go back to the close friendship we had before because I’m afraid I’ll end up being her rescuer or therapist again and I’m working really hard on my own depression and transition right now. And again, even though I know it isn’t fair to her, I have a lot of anger. I’m positive she’s noticed something’s up with me by now.
I don’t know if or how to talk to her about any of this. Most importantly, I don’t know how to gently lower her expectations about our friendship! Any advice, or even an “I’ve been there” from anyone, would be wonderful.
A: You sound very stressed out and frustrated about this! Before we move forward and talk about that, though, I need us to be on the same page about something: when you wrote in with this question you titled it “she needs help,” but in fact the one in need of help is you! I am feeling some lack of clarity in your question around what it is exactly you’re trying to accomplish, whether you’re trying to get your friend to seek treatment or whether you’re trying to renegotiate your relationship with her. To be clear, only the latter is realistic and healthy for you to pursue!
We can’t get other people to do things in their own lives that they haven’t chosen to do, even when we (think we) know it’s what’s best for them. We just can’t! It’s one of the difficult facts of being a person that we’re all signed up to learn over and over again endlessly for our whole lives. We can’t control the actions or reactions of others; only our own. When we ask “how can I get this person to do what they need to do,” the real question is “how do I figure out how to live with the fact that they might not?”
Now that we have that out of the way, and we’re committed to focusing on your goals and options here, let’s look at what you said about yourself. Here I made a little poem out of it:
I’m really angry with my friend
I’m realizing that this stuff has changed our relationship
I have a lot of anger
I really, really don’t want [hanging out] to happen
I’m afraid I’ll end up being her rescuer or therapist again
I don’t want to go back to the close friendship we had before
It sounds like you’re actually pretty clear on where you stand! So that’s a good place to start. What I’m hearing you say is that you’re angry and being around your friend is upsetting to you — it’s not totally clear to me whether it’s because she’s actively asking you to process this stuff with her or because it’s difficult for you to be around someone you know isn’t seeking treatment full stop. Honestly, I’m not sure it matters much which it is at this point; the fact that you’re feeling so uncomfortable and resentful is a sign that whatever boundaries are in place right now, if any, aren’t working for you and you need different ones.
Based on what you’ve described here, I’m guessing that all of your thinking about needs and wants in this friendship has been about what you think your friend needs, and how much you think she needs it. Have you thought about what, in an ideal world, you actually want to provide? What kinds of support are you best equipped to provide people in your life, and what do you get the most satisfaction out of? Are you feeling ready to drive people to appointments, to listen over the phone, to be somebody who provides distraction and relief with memes and Netflix binges? Friendship — or any relationship — doesn’t have to be this thing where you pour everything into someone until you start to resent them, at which point you pull back so hard you end up kind of ghosting them. There’s another way! And it starts with knowing what you’re willing to do and what you’re not. For your own self!
After thinking through that, the next step is articulating these things to your friend. You said you don’t know how to gently lower her expectations about your friendship — you do it by talking to her. It sounds like from your question she knows you’re kind of avoiding her, and may well be relieved to have any kind of explanation for the status of your friendship at all. Having answers and information usually feels better than being in the dark, even if you’re worried that what you want to tell her isn’t what she wants to hear.
What should you tell her, exactly? It doesn’t have to be complicated; I think you’ve already said a lot of it right here.
{Maybe you’ve noticed I haven’t been as present lately;} I’m working really hard on my own depression and transition right now. {I know you’ve been going through a lot and I’ve wanted to be there for you; at the same time,} this stuff has changed our relationship more than I thought it did. {I’m feeling burned out and need to take care of myself; I’m happy to provide [type of support] but I know that right now I can’t do [other type of support]}. Thanks for understanding!
It’s scary, I know! Both because articulating needs and boundaries (I have this feeling based on your question that you maybe don’t do that often) is scary and because relationship talks about our wants and needs aren’t as normalized in friendships as they are in romantic relationships, even in queer circles. Maybe your fears will be justified! Maybe this person will freak out that you’re setting boundaries! I don’t know the particulars of their mental health situation but if you’re worried that their reaction could spiral or include self-harm or something along those lines then it might be good to have a backup plan in place, someone to call or have in the wings to step up and support them without putting you in the position of having to immediately backtrack on the boundary you just set.
Maybe, however, you will be pleasantly surprised! Maybe this friend, or other friends, will be able to show up for you in ways you hadn’t anticipated once the paradigm of you both having needs rather than just one of you has been established. Maybe you’ll find that you can envision a future of enjoying this friend’s company again — it sounds like your resentment over this situation has ballooned such that even more casual interaction with them is irritating to you, and it’s not inconceivable that that could change. Even if this relationship has become imbalanced past true repair, the muscles you’re exercising of being clear about what you are and aren’t willing to do and be for the people in your life will end up improving your other relationships. More than that, I think you’ll be happier with yourself. This isn’t just about asking your friend to be accountable for herself and her wellness; setting boundaries and enforcing them is also a way of being accountable for yourself and your own happiness, and making the decision to start doing that can change your life in ways that you may not be able to anticipate right now. Be honest with yourself and others, be loving to your friends and to you, and good luck!
