Today, White House spokesperson Hope Hicks went high-key extra by distributing a press release dedicated entirely to praising the positive energy that radiates around the bag of gas and lies we know familiarly as “The President of the United States,” reading:
President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000. He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats everyone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor . . . and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to be more than even they thought possible.
27 Concepts or Things That Exude More Positive Energy Than Donald Trump
1. A Black Hole
2. These wet rocks
3. This empty bag
4. This trash can
5. A colonoscopy
6. Your homophobic uncle
7. This face our friend Carly made last week
8. Season Six of The L Word
9. Bacterial Vaginosis
10. Skins Fire and/or Getting a Skin Graft
11. A Wormhole
12. A Tapeworm
13. When they list the side effects in a commercial for Chantix
14. “The Gentlemen” from Buffy
15. The Hellmouth from Buffy
16. The first of week of Whole 30
17. When someone insists you stop everything to watch a youtube video they like, and then when you do it won’t load, and then when it does it’s not funny
18. Black mold
19. When you try to download a picture of Black Mold from Shutterstock and find out somebody on your team has already downloaded this same picture of black mold from Shutterstock at some other time for some other undoubtedly dark reason
20. When this video is not available in your country
21. The Menstrual Cycle
22. Google image searching “baby seal clubbing”
Don’t do it
23. Soup Made of Salsa and Warm Water
24. Debs
25. The last three pages of “The Well of Loneliness”
26. “Not to be that person, but…”
27. Five Signs You’re Holding On To Negative Energy
