This recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog, The Road Best Straddled, in 2007. It has been reposted on Autostraddle.com in all its messy, outdated, poorly formatted glory.

Post-ep, Lainy sent this text to me: “Best episode in like 2 years. I almost came like twice.”

This week, I will be allowing you–the people–to vote on the best quote, because, as you will discover later, I am operating under duress and therefore I am unable to make a qualified judgement. I might not be that funny, really, but I bet I’m funnier than a lot of things, e.g. that sitcom “Just Shoot Me,” Heathcliff comics, Jeff Foxworthy, Meat.

Lainy and Tara were too drunk from last night (Happy Sweet 16, Lainy!) to attend the screening this evening but Haviland, Heather, Jen, Sara and Jamie all made it to the Love Shack.

Something was missing though, and I’m not just talking about Tara, Lainy, Sherri and Karen.

I’m talking about KIRSTEN PRICE.
We would like Kristen Price to come watch The L Word with us. Kristen, are you reading this? That’s right. We want your hot ass on our mini-couch (it’s actually really small, like three people max, but we can squish!) next Sunday night, let’s say–9:30pm. Feel free to wear a sleeveless shirt. I always do.

This is Shane, watching the opening credits of “The L Word” and wondering why the theme song sucks so bad.

Underneath Your Clothes: Shane is now a famous underwear model, like Marky Mark. Nothing comes between Shane and her Calvins. Actually—that’s pretty much true so far this season. I mean, she’s–like—okay, I’m sorry. Trying to type with this photo on my screen is like trying to type and masturbate at the same time. I mean, chew and walk gum.

I’ll be giving out some valentines over the course of this re-cap. This first one is to Angela, who wrote and directed this episode.

“What’s the Story, Morning Glory? What’s the Word, Mockingbird?”

Shane gets out of her meeting and tells Alice how bummed she is about having to attend this premiere. Alice decides to invite everyone, because Shane tells her to invite no-one. Heather said this scene would have been EVEN COOLER (and it was pretty cool) if it was done more like the Zach Morris help-line, which is an episode of SBTB I must have missed.

Bette can’t go to the “Roll the Dice” Premiere. Why?

Bette: “I can’t go. Why? Because I have to work. Why do I have to work? Because of the way that you broke up with Phyllis, she’s completely terrorizing my staff, she’s already slashed my budget, it’s a fucking bloodbath over here–“

“Tell me quick about Hugo and Kim! Hi Margie! Hi Alice!”

“We’re out of milk” (Helena, while eating cereal)

“What’s the story, morning glory? What’s the word, humming bird?”

I’ll be there to support your underwear: Even though I’m questioning the selection of decals Alice obviously picked up at Michal’s Craft Store (while I was selecting some calico linen for Papi) and glue-sticked to her transparent purple nursing-home t-shirt, I am not questioning the quality of this scene or the erotic potential of Papi’s uniform.

Oh! Now I’m getting a phone call in real life!

“Have you heard about Hugo and Kim?”

Papi senses a love connection between Alice and Tasha. I’m going to go buy a car so that I can break it and then Tasha can fix it for me with her nice arms.

Papi to Tasha: “We’re going out and that’s an order.”

(That’s right. I am never “in charge of the fun,” as Evira Kurt says. If I was “in charge of the fun,” the fun would happen at like, 10pm every night, it would happen either at my apartment or at a place that serves drinks or french fries, and I’d be late.)

That’s My Mama B:

Bette: “Alice you have to break up with her.”
Alice: “Yeah, well, I already broke up with her.”
Bette: “Well, then, RE-break up with her. Some lesbians, you know what? you have to break up with them more than once.”

THAT IS QUOTE OF THE WEEK NOMINATION #1: BETTE, FOR “SOME LESBIANS, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH THEM MORE THAN ONCE.”

While everyone navigates the sticky terrain of their own Dyke Drama, Bette gets a visit from Jodi, who tells Bette she’s “wicked hot” and that if she ever changes her mind, they can do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. P.S. Tom is obviously there for the whole thing, which I think would be AWKWARD. I guess they’re used to it. Like how in Seasons Two and Three, there was this poltergeist who echoed everything. Tom’s a cutie.

Jenny, to Alice: “Do you wanna come to The Planet and have coffee with me?”
Alice: “Ohhh, I wish I could but there’s too much drama.”

QUOTE OF THE WEEK NOMINATION #2: ALICE, OH I WISH I COULD, BUT THERE’S TOO MUCH DRAMA.

Kit asks Bette how she’s doing, and Bette says she wants to kill herself. Most of my phone convos with my friends start out like this too. (Seriously). Kit asks if Bette wants to come to the Roll the Dice premiere, but Bette can’t. Why?:

Bette: “I can’t go, because I’ll be dead, because I will have killed myself.”

QUOTE OF THE WEEK NOMINATION #3: BETTE, FOR I CAN’T GO, BECAUSE I’LL BE DEAD, BECAUSE I WILL HAVE KILLED MYSELF.

Cupid is gnawing at my heart with a really special power drill, like the kind Jodi will use later to stick inside Bette’s vagina. Just kidding. Though at this point, I can’t really say for sure that I remember what happened. Haviland said I can make stuff up that they said if I can’t remember it.

Alright. Where were we? Ah yes….

“Well I heard they got pinned!”

Right-O. Shane is pissed because Alice has invited everyone. Bette is struggling with a plush toy, and Phyllis is doing her best imitation of an animatronic figure in “The Hall of Presidents” at Disney-world. For a woman who is allegedly executing a major bloodbath, I don’t think Phyllis has cracked a joint, let alone someone else’s skull, in the last ten minutes.

“Yeah! Yeah!”

Silly Begger, Alice Doesn’t Have a Job!
A homeless man asks Alice, who just shelled out five bucks for a latte and at least spent $2.99 on her shirt-mosaic, to spare some change, she goes “I don’t have any money! I don’t have any money!” like he’s totally stressing her out. That was fantastic.

“I was hopin’ they would ! Oh-ho!”

Me: “I like her sweater. Lindsay’s sweater.”
Haviland: “Yeah, you have one just like that.”
Me: “Oh…yes. Hm. Good point.”The sweater.“Now they’re livin’ at last, goin’ steady for good!”

Jenny Schecter 007: Gold Starfucker
Jenny pulls a fast one on Stacey to steal her away from Lindsay for the weekend. Jenny pretends to be the sassy French editor of “Si!” magazine and convinces Weiner-Dog to go to the “Roll the Dice” premiere to interview Shane, which is a SET-UP. This won’t happen because Jenny is a nutcase, and Shane is too punk for interviews, and do you know what “Special People’s Club” means? Jenny is good at being French because she likes to sleep with French women. Oh, and, speaking of girls from Europe:

Hello, Mister Henkel, this is Harvey Johnson.

Ta-Dah!

Lesbian Squabble #11: When They Got You Hooked, You’re Really Cooked
In the Ring: Bette and Tina
Content/Result: In Tina’s cameo this week, she storms in and screams about Bette wanting Angelica to go to an elite expensive pre-school and says “We have a child now” and other obvious things. What’s next: “I used to be your cool girlfriend and now I’m a cunt?”

Tina says Bette is being insane about pre-school, which is just about kids playing with crayons (coincidentally, my actual life has similar themes). Bette yells: “It is not just crayons, it is a fucking Ivy League education!” and when James pops in to tell her Phyllis is on Line One she says “FUCK You, James! Just–fuck you!” And that is why Bette wins this fight, and all fights hereafter.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK NOMINATION #4: BETTE, FOR “IT IS NOT JUST CRAYONS, IT IS A FUCKING IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION!”

A Little Afternoon Poker:

Haviland: Alice looks really cute in that dress.
Me: Huh. I was just thinking how good Helena looks in those scruffy baggy jeans.
[Much like the ones I am wearing]
Sara:Helena looks good in everything.
[everyone nods and comments in agreement]

I don’t know how I feel about Papi using the Shane “poker in the front” joke.
Papi and her “crew” come over in the middle of the afternoon with big cases of beer and playing cards because that’s how they roll. Beer before licker, never been sicker, poke her in the front, you’re in the clear, lick her in the rear!

+

I got my mind set on you, I got my mind set on you….

Mangus is So Emo He Might as Well Just Join Newfound Glory: Bette calls Angus out. He doesn’t think she should talk. Actually, she should, Angus, because she just happens to be the expert on what happens when you break someone’s heart and ruin their trust in you. DUH. Jesus. As the Grateful Dead might say: “It’s a buck dancers choice my friend, better take my advice, you know all the rules by now, and the fire from the ice.”

Heather suggested that this convo with Angus would be a good place to insert the photo where we are all pretending that we are watching an Angus scene:

(Notice that Haviland is sleeping on Jen’s shoulder, and I am bored and possibly poking Heather’s breast)

The Rules of Poker, by Papi.

Heather: “Why does she keep taking her visor on and off?”
Me: “Because she’s a gangsta.”
Jen:“Because she’s Papi.”
Haviland: “Oh my God, my Dad had a visor like that! You have to put Brooks on the blog! He’ll be so excited!”That’s Brooks in his visor with little Haviland. Is it weird that I have this photo on my computer to begin with? Maybe.

The little fun Euro-music in the background lets us know that things are rollin’ along. In fact, we’re about to roll our way in to a ridiculous extended metaphor, and I’m about to forgive the show for using it, because beggars can’t be choosers.

Want an example? Okay then. Here’s one:

Lindsay is cute when she cries. Not as cute as Shane is when she cries, but still: Lindsay tells Jenny that Stacey has canceled the romantic weekend. Jenny goes: “Oh, that vagina wig!” OK, if I was dating someone who’s last name meant ‘vagina wig,’ I’d probably know that already and might pick it up in conversation. But then again, I’m a real girl, and this is just a TV Show.

If there’s any chance Jenny is free, Lindsay would like Jenny to join her for the weekend. Of course Jenny is free, because she’s a full-time loon. I mean–we’ve seen the track record this girl has with “jobs.” Even I can wait tables better than Jenny, and anyone who ate at the Olive Garden-Times Square-NYC in 2000 or the Macaroni Grill-Ann Arbor-MI between 2001-2004 knows what I’m talking about.

Second Rule: Leave emotion at the door.
You’ve gotta play the hand you’re dealt.

This girl must be the star of the sexual fantasies of every man in this office: She’s talking to Max about being passed over for a promotion. Max says “that’s totally unfair.” You tell ’eml! Max is like, an injustice expert. He learned that in his woman’s group in Wilmette, when he was chopping logs for the fire and got attacked by a beaver.

Bette Plays the Hand She’s Been Dealt
Rather than hang herself on the cord of her wireless headset, Bette is being pro-active and learning sign language. I bet people who know sign language are better lovers than people who aren’t.

I feel like I’m saying about 10,000 politically incorrect things this episode.

Third Rule: Poker is not for like, the wussy player, alright? Sometimes you gotta go like, all in. Place your bet…

It Does Vibrate, After All: Can I make a confession? I once had a sexual experience that involved a power drill that looked just like the one in Jodi’s hand. Speaking of hands, Bette has learned some sign language:

This is Really a Fantastic Pick-Up Line. I mean, really, Papi?
Jodi: “The more I’m afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I figured that out when I was a kid. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world. Or I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it. The more worth doing it must be.”
Bette: “I don’t want to die right now.”
Jodi: “Me neither.”
(pause)
“Do you want to try it?”

Lesbian Sexy Moment #7:What a Feeling!
The Players: Bette and Jodi
The Pick-Up: (see above)
Hot or Not?: At this point, I’d probably call Jenny giving Moira road head “hot,” but this, I’m pretty sure, is actually hot.

I love this little thing Bette does where she kinda like, edges forward just a smidge, and then retreats? Like she’s offering power and then taking it back, reminding her lover she’s the one who has control, even if her lover is a control freak like her?

“Don’t worry about getting dirty.”+I think that’s the Fourth Rule of Seduction–I mean–poker.

It kinda reminds me of a welding plant? Like in…um…Flashdance? It also reminds me of the Ann Arbor Hands-on Museum. Hands-on.

Lesbian Squabble #12: GIRLTRASH
In the Ring: The Girl Papi fucked vs. the Girl Papi Fucked. Also, both of their crews.
Content/Result: Tasha’s all like, no war for oil, okay!?!? She breaks it up and tells Papi to handle her bitches. Papi can’t do that, she has a visor on! She takes it off! The girls go back at each other, and Tasha gets flung out of the whole thing and elbows Alice in the nose. It’s pretty bad.

Tasha is beautiful, even when she yells.+
Papi can’t handle this.
Tasha is beautiful, did I say that already? I wanna get in a fight and buy a car or join the National Guard so that she can kiss my eyelids.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK NOMINATION #5: ALICE, FOR “FUCK MY MOTHER!” (which she exclaims when she is knocked onto the ground by a flying Tasha. Mostly because it makes me think about Shane kissing Alice’s mother, back when she was young and spry. “Your mother came on to me,” she said, all swarthy and un-damaged. It was hot!)

Because Alice has a black eye, her and Tasha get to go to Alice’s favorite place in all of West Hollywood, the hospital, where the lighting is always really blue. It’s kind of like a date, almost, for like, Jerry Springery people.

Alice says she thinks her black eye will be cute. Tasha says she’ll always be cute. I think you’re both cute. Does anyone else notice that Tasha is so beautiful, she like, nearly radiates out of the TV and into my lap?

Lesbian Squabble #13: My friend Krista had this fight with my ex-boyfriend when he and I were still together in October ’04, and it ended with him going “You’re acting like just because I voted Republican I am like, personally killing Iraqi babies!” and Krista was like “Well, you practically ARE!” And that was like, a big deal for a while. Anyhow he’s a Democrat Now. And a cop.
In the Ring: Alice V. Tasha
Content/Result: Alice says “It’s like fuckin’ Iraq in here.” I’d say that was a little forced, but that’s totally something I would say. Luckily, Tasha says “I don’t like George Bush any more than you do.” But she has to go to Iraq because it’s her job. Alice doesn’t understand that very well because Alice never goes to work, and she certainly wouldn’t go to work if she had to wear camo.

Lessons in Douche-baggery: Max realizes that being a man isn’t fun when you have to hang out with men like these guys. He should work at the Dairy Queen ’cause all the boys there gave me free Blizzards, and that was cute. Or he should be in the NBA or be a designer for Heatherette. Thats where the cutest boys are. Oh! Or Abercrombie.
(p.s. if that girl really did bite your hand, Douchebag, (the hand that “feeds her”), you’d probably cum in your pants)

How About a Little Quiero lamer te hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces?
This is when Shane tells Paige that they can’t get involved, because she will hurt her. I don’t understand how she can have this conversation without noticing that it would take about .5 seconds to undress Paige right now.

Shay is probably inside having some Ovaltine.

Paige says they can be friends. That’s good. We all know that “friends” means “let’s spend so much time together that eventually we will become so curious about what the other one looks like naked that we’ll you know, do it.”

If “Cunt” Is a Foreign Language, then Yes, Yes You Are.

Stacey: “Check again! Am I speaking a foreign language?”

This is when Max is like, wow, White Cis Heterosexual Male Privilege is gross and golf is BO-RING!

Max: “I know for a fact that Mitch doesn’t support women and that he routinely discriminates against female employees.”
Boss-Man: “Well, how do you know that? What evidence are you bringing to substantiate Megan’s accusation?”
Max: “Because he did it to me.”

Joan Rivers Would Totally Dig This: The ladies arrive at the “Roll the Dice” Premiere Party, and they shuffle Shane away from her hot friends. Hav didn’t like Helena’s outfit. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Stacey tries to bust through the crowd to interview Shane, and Shane is like “Hey, aren’t you the vagina wig?” See, Jenny? You win. No need to stoop lower. (but she will).

Me: Look Heather, that’ll be me and you following Hav on the red carpet. I’ll be all like “the road best straddled dot com!”

(Heather laughs, Haviland goes “aww…no!”)

Lesbian Sexy Moment #8: For Sounder!
The Players: Jenny and Lindsay.
The Pick-Up: “The reason why I feel guilty is that I really wanna kiss you.” (that was Lindsay). “So kiss me.” (guess who?)
Hot or Not: Very….at first. Hot, then Crazy. Like Jenny herself.

Lindsay has nice abs.

Jenny decides to confess. But then Stacey starts knock-knock-knockin’ on the door before she can get started. This is sad.

Lindsay, Stacey and Jenny. What is this, Kappa Kappa Gamma?

Stacey: “Hello, Schecter.”
Jenny: “Hello, Merkin.”
Lindsay: [eagerly, breaking your heart slowly with every word] “Stacey, this is my friend I was telling you about, this is Debbie Oxnard.”
Stacey: “No, this is Jennifer Fucking Schecter, the lunatic who’s book I reviewed.”

Lindsay: [sad, heartbreaking face] “What?”
Jenny: “That’s actually what I was about to explain.”
Stacey: “What could you possibly say to explain this?”

Oh, Stacey. If only you knew how many times Jenny has been asked that question. What could she possibly say to explain this? She could say:

-“Whenever I look at you, I feel completely dismantled.” (to Marina, Ep. 103)
-“Tim, you have to understand that this was a big mistake. It was like… watching yourself, and seeing yourself do something terrible, and not being able to stop it.” (to Tim, Ep. 105)
-“Please, this doesn’t have to… if you can just forgive me, Tim, please, it doesn’t have to end. We can just keep on going as we’d planned and nothing has to change, right? Tim, please, please, don’t leave me. ‘Cause if you leave me, I think that I’ll die. Tim, please look at me. ” (to Tim, Ep. 105)
-“Am I just a coward…a liar…and a cheater?” (to Marina, Ep. 107)
-“No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble.” (to Anette, Ep. 108)
-“It’s over. Between Marina and me. I went over to her and her girlfriend’s house last night. I have never met anybody like that in my life before. It’s all about their own egos, and they don’t care who they hurt, and they just draw you into this web for some kind of… a sport. I’m not gonna see her ever again. I threw a bottle of wine at their house.” (to Tim, Ep. 109)
-“I’m sorry this had to happen in front of you, but if you really care about him, you’re gonna back off.” (to Tish, Ep.110)
-“I mean I’m – I’m so – I’m terrified of being on my own. I just gotta make myself do it, Robin, and I can’t – I can’t distract myself by creating all this fucking labyrinth-like drama that I’m so good at creating and I promise you… that you do not want to get sucked into my fucking bullshit.” (to Robin, ep 202)Well…you get it.

Lesbian Squabble #14: We Know It’s Crazy, Too, Jenny.
In the Ring: Lindsi! Jenni! Staci! GOOOOOOO Tigers!
Content/Result:

Jenny Moment: “I don’t know. This is gonna sound so [makes “totally fucking crazy’ gesture] thought that if i could prove that you weren’t a saint, and i thought that if i could make you sleep with me then it would prove that all those really horrible mean things that Stacey said about me and my experiences and the way I turned out wouldn’t be true—”
Vagina-Wig: What the fuck are you talking about?
Jenny: I thought that if I could make you into a liar and a cheat, like me, but you know, the thing is, you’re not. I mean, you’re right about that, Stacey. [this would be a good moment for her to cry and confess how much she is in love with Lindsay and then for them to have a threesome] You’re a saint. I’m so sorry.

(pause)

Lindsay: You’re not a student?
Jenny: No.
Lindsay: [flabbergasted utter disbelief at the total ridiculousness of Jennifer Schecter] Fucking manatees?!
Jenny: The manatees are a little bit true because I did write a story about—
Lindsay: Sounder?
Jenny: That’s not my dog I adopted him from a rescue–
Stacey: Did you sleep with her?
Jenny: No.
Lindsay: No. I’ve gotta get out of here.
[starts packing semi-agressively] How could you do that? How could anyone do something like that?
Jenny: I know, it’s crazy.

Lesbian Squabble #15: Bette, Quit it. Of course you and Tina are both the mother, but you can still acknowledge that Tina carried the fetus. You’re Being Silly.
In the Ring: Bette V. Jodi
Content/Result: Jodi doesn’t like kids because they get in the way of her work and sex. What Jodi doesn’t know is that Angelica doesn’t get in the way, because she only exists when needed as a plot device. Also she has two nannies, and one of them is a sex robot.

Back at the Party…

Shane: You know what, I need a new haircut, and I need to stop wearing ties.

Tasha Likes Girly Girls, Not Circles: Papi is not Tasha’s type, and they had no sexual chemistry. This is cute (backstory! What a concept!). Tasha likes “girls who look like girls.” This is kinda funny, re: Papi. I mean, let’s take Papi to the Womyns Music Festival and then decide who looks like a girl and who doesn’t.

Alice: “So you like girly girls, huh?”
Tasha: “Yeah.”
Alice: You like my dress?”
Tasha: “You fuckin’ with me?”
Alice: “It’s pretty, right? Pink, feminine.”
Tasha: “Yeah, it’s cute.”
Alice: “Yeah, I thought you liked it.”

The Most Annoying People EVER: This duo has emerged from a cave of WTF to ask Helena if Shane likes boys or girls. Really, Papi? She’s wearing a tie. If you are wearing a tie and you are not Avril Lavigne or 14 and Emo–whatever.

Rothberg: I have a house near Midhurst. It’s big, it’s old, it’s frozen in the winter. And I hate it.

Wow. And I hate you! What a hassle. Big old houses! Unlike my tiny closet of a room!

Shane Goes To Get Shay, But Check Out Paige’s Um–

Paige: “I made my grandmother’s meatloaf.”
Shane: “Sounds good. I don’t think I’ve actually eaten anything tonight.”
(or…ever?)
Paige: “Would you like some meatloaf?”

Shane, I love you. Me, Riese. I love You and I Will Make You Meatloaf. Seriously, I Know How. I Don’t Need my Meat. I Just Need YOUUUUUU. I love this too, that like “Yes, I need you to do something for me,” look that Shane always gives when she wants something like food. She hasn’t given this look all season. I don’t think Shane can cook, actually. Meatloaf is not exactly an aphrodisiac, but it’ll do. I bet Shay liked it. Though about that bad dream….

Alice and Tasha are walking back to her house, which must be totally wrecked after the poker and the girl-fight. Maybe Spashley are in there banging shit up. Tasha wants to take things slow. Alice says that’s okay, she’s already slept with Phyllis and Papi and doesn’t want her circle turning into a constellation right now. I mean, she doesn’t say that exactly, but she says something similar.

Phyllis: Really? REALLY?!!! What’s almost worst than Dyke Drama is when you get rejected based on Dyke Drama that isn’t even your fault. Tasha “doesn’t do drama.”

You Know what though…if the baby is with the sitter…or sleeping….then really…what difference does it make? I won’t hear it crying, after all….
Bette is bangin’ when she answers the door for Jodi, who wants to ‘try again.’ Personally, I’d be at my laptop writing Haviland a five-page essay that opened with: “Is it bad that sometimes I wish I DIDN’T have a baby so that I could be fucking this hot artist chick right now, even though I know she’s really bad for me?”

The House Always Wins. High-stakes poker! Yay! Helena accidentally lays 50K on the line. Meanwhile, Papi is seducing the girl-bot who had her eye on Shane earlier. The music is playing. Helena is clearly about to lose a lot of money.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #14: Luckily, one of Papi’s Buttons Was Already Un-Done for Easy Access!
The Players: Papi and that girl
The Pick-Up: Um, this?:

Hot or Not?: Yeah! Sure! Fun!

++

Helena lost the poker game and she can’t pay off her debts. Luckily there is more than one way to pay off a debt. I hope they aren’t going to make her sell crack.

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