There are two kinds of Halloween monsters: The fake kind of monster that is just a person wearing a spooky costume, dancing to Elvira, sipping on cocktails called like “Mr. Hyde’s Potion” or “Witches Brew” or something, and the real kind of monster that hands out candy corn to trick-or-treaters. Candy corn tastes like the middle of a venn diagram where one side is ear wax and the other side is butt. Candy corn is the troll bogey-flavored Bean in a box of Bertie Bott’s. Candy corn is to candy what the space between toes is to the human body. Yet, despite its awfulness, candy corn remains one of the best-selling Halloween “treats” year after year. This madness has to stop! We must be part of the solution!
You can start by familiarizing yourself with this irrefutable list of 50 excellent Halloween candies, ranked in order of deliciousness.
1. Mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
2. Full-Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins
4. Starburst
5. Sour Patch Kids
6. Kit-Kat
7.Haribo Gummy Bears
8. Plain M&M’s
9. Skittles
10. Snickers
11. Jelly Belly Fun Packs
12. Nerds
13. Gobstoppers
14. Sprees
15. Nestle Crunch
16. Twizzlers
17. Milky Way
18. Butterfinger
19. Twix
20. Ring Pops
21. Chewy SweetTarts
22. SweetTarts
23. Red Vines
24. Baby Ruth
25. Rainblow Pops
26. Peanut M&M’s
27. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Minis
28. Jolly Ranchers
29. Sour Skittles
30. War Heads
31. Laffy Taffy
32. Now & Laters
33. Almond Joy
34. Lemonheads
35. Red Hots
36. Heath bars
37. Cow Tails
38. Cadbury Scream Egg
39. Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate Minis
40. Bazooka Joe Bubblegum
41. Life Savers
42. Smarties
43. Milk Duds
44. Junior Mints
45. York Peppermint Patty
46. Sugar Babies
47. Tootsie Fruit Rolls
48. Good and Plenty
49. Peanut Butter Kisses
50. Candy Corn
Thoughts? Feelings? Incorrect defenses of of terrible, terrible candy corn?
