Pretty Little Liars Recap 315: Mona-Mania Versus Spanking Spencer

Welcome to the fifteenth installment of the third season of Pretty Little Liars. Wow fifteenth episode? How long have I been doing this? This week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars totally beat the crap out of last week’s pathetic excuse for an episode. This week’s episode was so good that even though I just spilled mango salsa on my pink shirt just as a load of red laundry finished (so now this shirt won’t get washed until the next reds wash in a million years), I don’t care because I’m giggling. Questions were answered, faces were shown, people were confronted and, of course, more questions were raised. Plus Mona was all over the place. Was she scheming? Was she redeeming? Who knows! She’s wacky and unpredictable!

Not that I care about that stuff. I’m actually just thrilled that Paige had some serious screen time and Paily was the only couple that kissed this week! Victory! I’m pretty sure the future is now.

We open on Aria watching scary movies. Yeah, that’s what a girl constantly stalked by a murderer would be doing. Papa Rageface shows up to make amends, apparently the police figured out who really set the fire at the school that hurt Meredith and he feels super bad for blaming The Liars for no real reason. Byron leaves the room remaning 100% creepy and with us remaining 100% certain the police totally got it wrong. The Rosewood police department are literally the worst ever.

THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS…

Cut to the other three Liars who are inexplicably sneaking into their school to try to steal Ali’s diary. The three apparently haven’t learned to take flashlights on these little outings. They stalk down to the basement to file through Creepy Janitor’s stuff again. They also do some good old fashioned shit talking about their friend behind her back! “Like, omigod did Aria’s dad really kill Ali? What a slut.” Oh to be young again.

The Liars suddenly realize someone is the room with them! Unfortunately, due to their continuous lack of flashlights they don’t see who it is. Hanna sees his shoes though!

SHOES HANNA?!? STOP OPPRESSING ME WITH YOUR GENDER ROLLS!

Unsurprisingly, the office has been totally cleared of Mona and/or the Creepy Janitor’s stuff. Plus, you guessed it, Ali’s journal is gone and replaced with an identical empty one. ‘Cause that’s how we roll A style.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USING THE AT HOME DENTISTRY KIT SHOWN IN THE BACKGROUND

The next day, the four Liars meet to discuss the previous evening’s events over a hot cup of joe. I want to clarify, because of the constant dead bodies, that I’m using slang for coffee. Not an actual cup of a dead guy named Joe. Mostly everyone has been having nonstop constant stress nightmares. Aria’s been having nightmares that Republicans take the Senate and make elaborate accessories illegal. Hanna’s been having nightmares that Clairol stops making Nice ‘n Easy Born Blonde permanent hair dye. Spencer has been having nightmares she’s shown up to a polo match but forgotten her riding crop! Emily has been having the exact same nightmare except she’s showing up to a lesbian bondage orgy.

HOW TO GET AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HAIRCUT

Spencer reveals that she’s now running unopposed for captain of the Academic Decathlon Team. Remember that last episode A took the front tire of someone’s bike? Looks like A’s got Spencer all set up to be the new team captain.

DISAPPOINTED THAT THIS ISN’T A CROTCH SHOT.

Mona shows up and everything gets super awkward. It’s just like when your former friend who turned out to be stalking and threatening you shows up at the local coffee shop at 5:30am before you got to school. Just like that. She announces that the Creepy Janitor was at their school stalking her and that she (and now the police) think that he started the fire. Just as the police went to look for Creepy Janitor he went missing. How convenient.

AND DON’T SAY MAYA BECAUSE THAT’S JUST TOO EASY

The Liars mull over the situation, by which I mean they go around in a circle making what the fuck is going on faces. Zero Liars believe Mona. Spencer remarks that, now that Meredith doesn’t think they attacked her, Mona sort of did them a favor.

NOT EVEN A SEXUAL FAVOR

A favor from Mona? What would that even look like?

PUTTING TOXIC GAS INTO THE ATMOSPHERE TO POISON THE PERSON WHO BULLIED YOU

HOT WAXING THE FLOOR SO YOUR EXGIRLFRIEND SLIPS AND BREAKS HER BACK

After school, Hanna confronts Lucas. Super sleuth Hanna recognized Lucas’s shoes from the night before. Because they used to be besties. Awww. Lucas is super scared of Mona and doesn’t want to be seen talking with Hanna for fear that it will set her off again. He seems to think other people believe that Mona has reformed.

SOMEHOW FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT THAN GO-GO JUICE

Also, as it turns out, Lucas was the one who went all pyrotechnics on the school storage locker. That’s right, it wasn’t Mona or the Creepy Janitor who tried to burn the building down, it was that third string male character I always forget about.

I CALL THIS LOOK BORING MALE CHARACTER GYM CLASS CHIC

Inside, Paige and Emily leave class together! Adorable! Yay forever! Except Paige is acting sort of weird.

THINGS MOSTLY DONE BY ME USING MY HANDS/STRAP

At first I thought she was going to break up with Emily because of all the bullshit that went down with getting kidnapped, but I promise she doesn’t!! She just explains that her parents are super tweaked out and restricting her every move. Because, um, she was sort of gagged and almost killed in the woods. So obviously she and Emily make plans to go to a party in the woods!

LIKE THE FIRST 50 YEARS OF JODIE FOSTER NOT BEING OUT

Also, a french braid? Be still my Katniss heart.

DID I MENTION THEY HAD A SUPER CASUAL KISS?!

In her humble classroom of literature and love, Ella and Aria catch up a bit. Aria has stopped by to show her mother her new Flintstones costume and Ella is totally unimpressed with everyone’s reaction to Garret’s death.

I’M GLAD YOU’RE HERE MOM. I’M GOING TO NEED HELP PAPER MACHE-ING ALL MY JEWELRY FOR THIS SPRING

Shockingly, while the whole town is obsessing over a man’s death, Ella remembers that a young girl’s murder remains unresolved. Ella is beside herself that she wasn’t there enough for her daughter. Apparently she and Byron partied a little too hard and she was out like Hammer pants all night and hungover for realz the next morning. Sounds like Byron wanted her dead to the world IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

LISTEN ARIA, I’M GONNA CLOSE MY EYES AND I JUST WANT YOU TO READ THE WICKED DEEP 1984 QUOTE ON THE BOARD AND THEN MAKE WHATEVER ASSUMPTIONS YOU WANT.

Starsweep to the Academic Decathlon meeting. Remember when I said that Spencer would now be unopposed as Academic Decathlon team captain? Welp, not exactly. Looks like Mona wants to be captain too, and her super genius photographic memory is probably going to take her there.

PLEASE GOD LET THIS JUST BE ANOTHER POLO/ORGY STRESS DREAM

Okay wait, you expect me to believe that Mona, after breaking literally hundreds of laws, is not only facing absolutely no legal consequences, she’s also not facing any consequences at school? Who is she, Chris Brown?
Looks like all the six-person team has to do is vote. Shocker: it’s a tie. With the (totally obviously bribed and/or blackmailed) team at a split, we’re gonna have a Speech Off. Is this where we start chanting? SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! Hm. That doesn’t have as much umph as I thought it might.

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’D RATHER SEE THEM MUD WRESTLE.

After the meeting the current team captain goes over to give Spencer a little sumpin’ sumpin’. Is he going to be an actual regular character on the show? Because they seem to be flirting and I wasn’t informed.

Guy: Spank her like I know you can.
Spencer: Good pep talk.

HAD TO

Phew. Is it hot in here?

The next day at school, Mona confronts the Liars with a whole new batch of apologies and tears.

YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!

Blah blah blah I’m not allowed to have a computer or phone or internet, blah blah blah. Turns out Jason has been “supervising” her in the computer lab and that’s the only way she was able to post an apology video. It’s maybe sort of sad or maybe sort of supposed to make us think Mona is sneaky. I’m unclear.

LIKE IF WE BOTH WANT TO BE DOGGIE STYLE THAT COULD CAUSE A LOT OF NECK STRAIN

After school, Aria, Emily and Hanna meet for a rehash gab session. They go over all the details of the day and Aria totally not subtly at all drops that she’s been feeling queasy. Calling it right now, Aria is pregnant.

GUYS, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN MY FEET SWELL TOO BIG TO FIT INTO MY EXTENSIVE BOOT COLLECTION?

The Liars wonder whether Byron might have intentionally gotten Ella drunk, and end up arguing over the details of Aria’s father’s meeting with Ali. Unable to come to a conclusion Aria goes and looks for the diary page, where she left in, in her left boot. I think we can all agree this is the best hiding place of all time, and take a five minute break so you can all hide your diaries/cigarettes/sex toys in your Doc Martins.

THIS FAR IN?!