Hey you Straddlers, it’s the MTV Movie Awards! The place where Oscar-winning movies lose year after year after year to Twilight. Is it just me or did I just liveblog these five seconds ago? Nope, that’s just an emotional conflation of liveblogging the 2011 VMAs and recapping the 2011 Teen Choice Awards. Regardless they’re here again, hosted by Russell Brand, and bound to illuminate nothing about movies and everything about the falling standards of young people in America. I’m honestly deeply emotionally conflicted about whether I’m rooting for Harry Potter or the Hunger Games. It’s like choosing between your first love and your current love; they’re both so meaningful, how do you even compare them?
IF ONLY SHE WERE RIDING A HIPPOGRIFF (VIA MTV.COM)
There are a lot of nominees but writing them all out seemed like a waste of everyone’s time, so I made this handy graphic from MTV’s full list of nominees.
OH GOD THE HUNGER GAMES AND HARRY POTTER ARE IN SO MANY OF THE SAME CATAGORIES
Tonight I’m gathering with a bunch of queermos to watch/drool over the inevitable KStewpalooza, and plan to steal the snarky comments my friends make and claim them as my own here for your reading pleasure! I prepared for this epic night by quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, signing a lease in my new apartment and forgetting to cancel my gym membership. So you know this is going to be good.
Meet me back here at 9pm EST and we’ll all get through this together. Don’t forget to tweet me all of your Harry Potter/Hunger Games/KStew feelings @Ohheyitslizz!
8:50pm: I showed up early for pre-show glamour and Punk’d is on?! Where is the red carpet respect?!
8:55pm: I couldn’t be more excited about this preview for The Perks of Being a Wallflower if I read an instruction manual on how to be excited. I’m calling it, this might be the best part of the night.
9:00pm: OMG it’s happening!! Starring FUN. I love this song. Because tonight I am young. Actually technically.
9:01pm: Wait. Are the guys from FUN. wearing capri pants? I can’t support this decision.
9:03pm: I love Janelle Monae in a tux and that chorus of women in bow ties. Sigh.
CAN WE BE IN LOVE FOREVER?
9:08pm: Something about the timbre of Russell Brand’s voice makes everything he says sound the same.
9:12pm: I’m bored. This is boring. Will someone make me a cocktail?
9:14pm: Look how uncomfortable Mila Kunis looks next to how drunk Marky Mark is.
Best On Screen Dirtbag Goes to Jennifer Aniston
I don’t care about this. I forgot to see the movie. I need another cocktail for this.
9:20pm: I just saw a preview for the new movie “Ted” about Mila Kunis and Marky Mark and a magically alive teddy bear. I thought it was an MTV spoof. But no. This is really happening.
9:20pm: Russell Brand is not funny.
9:24pm: I support the existence of the new Spiderman movie. Emma Stone just said YOLO. YOLOOOO
THIS GUY IS YOUR NEW SPIDERMAN
Break Through Performance Goes to Shailene Woodley
I don’t know who she is but she’s kind of adorable. I like her the most out of everyone so far. Everyone ever.
9:30pm: Emma Watson can do no wrong. I give her permission to do anything.
DEAR EMMA WATSON, PICK ME. LOVE ME. CHOOSE ME.
9:32pm: Oh G-d. Best Male Performance. This is our first Harry Potter Hunger Games stand off. I don’t know who to root for. JK this time it’s Harry Potter.
Best Male Performance Goes to Josh Hutcherson
Okay, mixed feelings. On the one hand I want to support Josh Hutcherson because he really loves gay people. On the other hand, I wanted Daniel Radcliffe because of the Harry Potter. On the other other hand, I wanted KStew dressed in menswear to win this category. So.
9:40pm: First KStew sighting for the announcement of Best Female Performance!
THIS IS ACTUALLY PART OF KSTEW'S ROBOT PURIM COSTUME
Best Female Performance Goes to Jennifer Lawrence!!!!
Why do I feel like we won a thing?! We won a thing!! Too bad Jen didn’t show up to receive. Somehow that makes her even cooler.
JLaw [looking at the golden popcorn]: I can’t eat this.
VIA ZOMBIELOVER.TUMBLR.COM
9:43pm: Who let Charlie Sheen on stage? I’m palpitating.
9:44pm: So I guess this is some sort of clip show of party movies? What I’ve gleaned is that cult classic comedies have to star men. All men all the time. Only men are funny. Only.
9:47pm: Can I be honest about how I don’t know who this musical artist is, but am I crazy or is Joan Jett on his shirt?
9:50pm: Liveblogging MTV award shows is really easy since the show is 90% commercials.
9:55pm: Leighton Meester is presenting best kiss. I think the real question is why isn’t she nominated for any kiss ever?
YOU COULD TOTALLY GET MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND GAY MARRIED ON THE BEACH IN THIS OUTFIT
Also if Hermione/Ron don’t win this shit is rigged.
Best Kiss Goes to RPat and KStew
Boooo. But wait. Who is that white T-shirt lezzie looking girl KStew is sitting with? And no RPat? Okay for those of you playing at home who can’t see this, KStew just tried to get someone, anyone to come on stage and kiss her. Including but not limited to super homoerotic call out to Charlize Theron. KStew, why didn’t you just call up the hot chick you were sitting with?!
KStew: Huntsman? Huntsman?
10:04pm: Awesome. Two old men to present an achievement award (“The Generation Award”) to Johnny Depp. I totally appreciate and love Johnny Depp but there hasn’t been a single gay on stage yet. Didn’t the producers of this see the Emmys? Gay sells people.
Also this is tragically boring.
10:08pm: So Johnny Depp is playing the guitar with the Black Keys. Reactions from around the room:
My Friend: Johnny Depp was cool, he just got so much cooler
Me: Are you kidding? He’s playing guitar at the MTV Movie awards. He just got 100% lamer.
My Friend: Well… he’s only lamer if he tries to launch a full music career after this.
10:12pm: Sometimes I feel like Johnny Depp speaks with a pseudo fake british accent.
10:20pm: Joel McHale is so fucking hilarious. Also a fake archery instructor is a stupidly funny concept. That was the funniest thing of the evening. That’s really unfortunate. Why is Community being canceled? Whyyyy?
10:23pm: Wow totally real fight scene between Charlize Theron and some guy.
Friend A: Wow great fight scene.
Friend B: Oh. Get ’em girl
Friend C: Huntsman? Huntsman?
Best Fight Scene Goes to Josh Hutcherson and Alexander Ludwig
There is not enough booze in the world to make me care about this category.
Best Cast to The Harry Fucking Potter Cast
VIA PSYCHO-PENGUIN.TUMBLR.COM
This is correct! Go team! Only Emma Watson bothered to show up! Womp Womp. Just in case anyone is curious, she goes to Brown where I am going in the fall. I think we all know what’s going to happen when we meet. Love forever. That’s what.
10:34pm: Awesome more white guys presenting awards. And making illiteracy jokes.
10:36pm: Am I supposed to know who Big Dick Richy is? Is this a thing?
Best Transformation Goes to Elizabeth Banks
I love Elizabeth Banks. We have the same name. Also her outfit looks like what a spider wears after it gets magically turned in to a woman.
SPIDERWOMAN
10:40pm: So Emma Stone is getting The Trailblazer Award? I think it’s a joke but I also don’t understand if maybe this is a joke. I do love a good montage though.
My Friend: Wait. Oh. For that whole time I thought they were talking about Emma Watson.
10:44pm: Okay even post-acceptance speech I have no clue what this award is for. Is this because of The Help? Is this because of Spiderman? Does Emma Stone go around the country giving emotionally inspiring speeches to high school students?
10:47pm: Okay so a preview for Channing Tatum’s new movie where he plays a male stripper just came on and now I understand that man-stripper joke before. Sorry guys, I’m just trying to stay on top of everything.
10:49pm: Joseph Gordon Levitt dresses the way I wish all hot butch chicks dressed. All of them. Love his red watch.
10:50pm: Seriously though, I don’t think I can move on from Joseph Gordon Levitt’s outfit. That’s what everyone should wear to weddings this summer.
10:52pm: Yeah I’m still not over it. With the red button? With the corresponding but not too matchy tie? This is a win guys.
10:53pm: I was so distracted by Joseph Gordon Levitt’s outfit that I forgot to point out how fucking weird this whole Batman END OF THE STORY worship thing is. I mean, it’s Batman not Harry Potter — it doesn’t actually ever end.
I mean, I’m not arguing with exclusive footage, I just didn’t realize this movie series was such a bit deal. I mean I love these movies but I’m a giant nerd-face.
11:00pm: Okay we’ve finally reached best movie. Thank G-d.
11:02pm: Finally! A gay on stage! Jodie Foster! Her jacket looks like a futuristic motocross situation?
Movie of the Year is Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1
Oh wow. That’s a fucking shocker.
11:05pm: MTV should go back to the days when they used to stage controversies. It was actually somehow more entertaining.
can we watch this streaming online? /no tv sadface
It looks like I caught up on coverage of the Diamond Jubilee just in time to watch this
If Twilight wins anything this year, I may die.
I’m coming back from the grave for a second to express how many crushes I have developed tonight. Jennifer Lawrence, Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Emma Stone, and Emma Watson, oh my!
IT’S RIGGED. IT’S RIGGED. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN. I’m sorry I’m posting so much. I just can’t handle it.
I’m a little nervous about this “Perks of a Wallflower” movie situation. If there’s one book I don’t want to see destroyed by a terrible big-screen adaptation, it’s that one. Second only to Stone Butch Blues.
PREACH
I think the best part of the night is going to be exclusive clip from The Dark Knight Rises!
isn’t janelle monae performing at some point? i have feelings about that
i have feelings about that, too. because i have feelings about her.
ONE OF US. ONE OF US. #wishful thinking?
LOOK AT HER GODDAMN HAND MAN, IT’S QUEER!
*calms down*
She painted the ring finger white and the rest are black, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!?! THE SHOCKER. You know two in the pink and one in the stink, I know, I know, but still…look at her hand!!!!
EXTREME WISHFUL THINKING ON MY PART.
i’m running around the internet trying to find live streams but i’m not having any luck. dang.
keep the live bloggin comin.
How unfunny can Russel Brand get? He was horrible the first time he hosted the Mtv awards so why oh why is he back again? I mean I can see (intuitively) the audience rolling their eyes.
I can’t find it live streaming either :-(
Shailene Woodley is she of Secret Life of the American Teenager fame. I.e. THE WORST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.
I could write a fucking essay about how shitty “the secret life” is. Seriously why is it still on the air?
i found a live stream but it’s totally just a tripod set up in front of a tv.
so.
a for effort, i suppose.
Hey girl, hey! Go Jennifer Lawrence. – “I can’t eat this.”
ugh charlie sheen
http://blog.livenewschat.tv/mtv/
That’s working for me.
I don’t know why I bother watching MTV awards shows, I never know who half the people are and then I just feel old. But I can’t not watch, it’s like a sickness.
yay! thank you!
how even did twilight win
WE WAITED 7 MOVIES FOR THE RON/HERMIONE KISS jesus
Which is why I don’t understand how they couldn’t have managed a better camera angle, ugh.
Okay, thank you, I knew I was not crazy that that was a very queer-looking chick sitting next to KStew.
I voted The Help for Best Movie
Johnny Depp is my dream woman
<3 you.
my god josh hutcherson is tiny.
This is the closest I have ever come to watching an awards show. I think I am okay with this.
I feel like KStew was acknowledging how much Twilight sucks with that response
Bad news bears: I’m Emma Watson no longer goes to Brown. For a while internet rumors were floating around that she left Brown because every time she said something in class other students would shout, “TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!” (When I heard this I laughed for five days straight.) But then people said she was looking for something less liberal-artsy, and more structured, so she went to Cambridge.
I was just about to point this out. That rumor never happened, however, people I know there said everyone was really respectful.
KStew in her chucks!! eeeeee
soooo tumblr tells me KStew’s “lesbian” friend was apparently the wonderful Scout Taylor-Compton.
Thanks. Just googled her: she was Lita Ford in The Runaways.
I’d like to see pictures, tbh. Tomorrow?
I reaaaally don’t think Scout is gay tbh.
Hey now, you can’t go on and on about JGL’s outfit and not include a picture. He really does have awesome style though; I want all of his clothes.
the rapper in the Joan Jett shirt is Wiz Khalifa
Did anyone else think “Harry freakng potter” as in AVPS when she typed Harry fucking potter cast? Also, my two loves are pitted head to head here. K-stew and Emma Watson… I’m so torn!
I didn’t but NOW IT’S STUCK IN MY HEAD. *hugs*
Elizabeth Banks’ dress!
YOU’RE GOING TO BROWN I GO TO RISD LET’S BE FRIENDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
“I don’t know who she is but she’s kind of adorable. I like her the most out of everyone so far. Everyone ever.”
She is :D
10:12pm: Sometimes I feel like Johnny Depp speaks with a pseudo fake british accent. !!!!!!!!!!
I’m pretty much in love with JGL’s wardrobe and want it all…but unfortunately I’m a bad shopper :(
Sorry. Emma Watson’s already mine.
I wanted 21 Jump street to win best cast