Sometimes you are doing nothing, absolutely nothing. You are minding your goddamn business, and you are just living your life. And some queer person barely ten years younger than you pops out of nowhere and thanks you for being a queer elder. While your first instinct might be to scream, might be to ask HOW OLD ARE YOU EVEN?, might be to tell them that actually a wise and regrettably heterosexual fictional woman once said “30, flirty, and thriving,” and sure, maybe you’re not exactly thirty, but you’re not that far from it either!
Well, it sounds like it’s time for some eye creams, you old gay hag! Here are eight to try out.
Sunday Riley’s Auto Correct ($65)
Uh-oh, a young person just asked what the Stonewall riots were like, assuming you’d been there. Time to break out the big guns AKA Sunday Riley.
Kiehl’s Avocado Eye Cream ($37)
You’re a millennial. You’re such a millennial that you make jokes about other generations making jokes about how much your generation likes to spend money on avocado toast. You can’t be an elder as a millennial — even if you’re an elder millennial! Anyway, avocado can be for more than toast, as this eye cream proves.
Drunk Elephant C-Tango Vitamin C Eye Cream ($64)
You’re talking to a girl at the dyke bar, and she’s pretty cute. She looks kind of young, but you’re clearly both adults, and she’s clearly into you. You make an L Word reference. She asks “who’s Bette?” Time to pack it up, go home, and apply this eye cream.
Cerave Eye Repair Cream ($20)
If you’re such a “”queer elder”” then why is your life a mess! Point that out to the 21-year-old.
Neutrogena Hydro Boost Gel-Cream ($32)
Apply this the next time a baby gay tells you they feel like they’re going to be alone forever just because they’re single in their early twenties and asks you for advice as a “queer elder,” despite the fact that you, too, are single.
Paula’s Choice C5 Super Boost Eye Cream ($39)
Maybe the reason you have those dark circles under your eyes is because you’re currently in a fight with your ex-wife over the pets you co-parent.
Clinique All About Eyes ($39)
elf Holy Hydration ($10)
Sometimes oldheads gotta be on a budget.
Disappointed in this. Im a 60 year old dyke and am happy to have eye bags and wrinkles. Looking old shouldnt be made out to be a fault or deficit!
I believe this is part of their April fools day writing. (See the related tags at the bottom of the article).
Hi! You are beautiful and hot the way you are as a 60 year old dyke (god bless you!) and this is a satirical article for April Fool’s Day. Never change!
Do you have something to stop 21-year olds from asking me, a 37 year old, gender non conforming AFAB person, how old I am “just to be sure” that I’m not underage?