As you may already be aware — The Daily Mail, never a stranger to scandal where they can find it, recently seized upon a Broadly article from November 2015 entitled “Straight People Don’t Exist, New Research Says” and a November 2017 book published by an author of the study about male sexual fluidity to write a piece of their own two days ago: No one is 100% straight: Study says sexuality is a ‘spectrum’. We wrote about the often dubious studies on this topic in November 2015, and in short, no study has presented evidence empirical enough to override the widely reported human experience that being 100% gay or 100% straight is entirely possible and in fact quite common! Sexuality, including male sexuality, is more fluid than a lot of cis-het people think it is (which is what the book is about), but sexuality is not fluid for everybody. Heterosexuals and homosexuals are real. Regardless! That’s not why I’ve brought you here today.
I’ve brought you here today because commenters on The Daily Mail lost their collective shit over this article and the comments are a real riot because you guys, listen: they’re straight. Like, VERY straight. This article and this study are total rubbish because these people are straight and would never ever do anything gay, not ever, because they’re straight. Okay? Straight. If these men saw a man with his shirt off, they would look the other way, so horrified would they be by this rugged display of implied homosexuality. Because, by the way, they’re straight. Heterosexual. Only attracted to the opposite sex. 100% straight! Straight! So straight!
VERY STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
The Daily Mail published an article claiming that ‘no one is 100% straight’ and this is possibly my favourite comment ever. pic.twitter.com/t73Oa7TlCr
— Marc 🎗️ (@marcfc) March 14, 2018
There’s nothing I love like a good comment curation exercise. These boards have really evolved over the past two days: tropes have emerged. Wars have been waged. The same jokes have been made 7-14 times. You get the impression that (surprise!) a lot of people are straight. But I plowed forward in search of the pure beauty that is humanity: below, please experience only a small sampling of the 1,000+ comments on this post, ripped mercilessly out of context and reprinted here for your entertainment. Please note that often commenters reply as if they are speaking directly to the author of the book, because of course, he’s listening. That’s exactly what he’s doing.
1. Total nonsense, as a woman I prefer the company of men as I find other women judging, catty and boring. I am 100% straight thank you.
2. So this is what they come up with in universities!
3. FAKE SCIENCE
4. Another report churned out by academics who sit around all day not knowing whether they are boys or girls, meanwhile in the real world…..
5. He didn’t ask me. I could have told him he was wrong. It would have saved him writing a book and looking silly.
6. My wife is 100% straight. I’ve been begging her to have a threesome with me and another woman for years but she’s having none of it lol.
7. Who financed this ” research “, Stonewall?
8. Everything is not some spectrum-based moral equivalency…sorry millennials.
9. So speaking as a 100% straight man who does not find men sexually attractive whatsoever, does that mean I am not normal and am now in fact a minority? Can I get special protection as a disadvantaged group? Get priority in jobs?
10. i think that women like to look at other women but not in a sexual way but in a more London Fashion Week kind of way.
11. not on my watch
12. no im straight
13. Uh— No, #NotMe
14. I wish i could be intimate with a female but only a extremly attractive one….i once made out a girl in vegas….
15. At no point in my 30 years of life have I ever ever been aroused by another man… There are planets to discover, species to study, life-changing technologies that we should all be invested in. Not this.
16. During the years of the Soviet Union, the establishment funded research to support their own agenda. Funny that.
17. I must admit women and women porn has turned me on. But I have NEVER been turned on by another man. NEVER
18. I’m quite happy to assure other men that I have never, ever been remotely sexually attracted to another man. Never, never, never, ever ever ever……….
19. I have never once, not ever, not even for a smidgen like fraction of a moment ever been aroused by another man.
20. I DO NOT FIND OTHER MEN SEXUALLY APPETIZING AT ALL PERIOD. AT ANY STAGE. ANY DAY. ANY MILLISECOND….
21. Some of my best friends are gay….but that’s enough thanks.
22. Google “estrogen water supply canada lake and fish.” It actually explains a LOT.
23. I love my husband and the thought of sleeping with another woman is absolutely appalling for me. I have nothing against being gay by the way
24. Whoaaaa there Liberace. Speak for yourself .
25. next it’ll be WILDLIFE….
26. As a fully paid-up heterosexual male, I don’t feel any urges towards males. So that’s it then you study has serious flaws. I strongly suspect that I am not alone, which destroys the basis of your thesis. I bet that this observation will not be posted.
27. I’m sorry to disappoint, but the only male body I admire is my own.
28. I am a bloke and I’m not aroused in the slightest by other men. I am 100% straight. Live and let live though we are all free to live our lives how we want but I’m just saying your article is wrong because I only get aroused by women. End of conversation. Boom.
(ED Note: This 100% straight guy left this same exact comment three times in a row)
29. The only “spectrum” I’m on involves brunettes, blondes, and redheads.
30. What a waste of money! That money could have been used to find cure for terminal illness like cancer.
31. I tried getting it on with a woman in my teens, it didn’t do anything for me and would NOT do it again.
32. The inexorable march towards gender neutrality. Glad I am at the end of my life, we learned nothing from the decline and fall of the Roman empire.
33. Researchers actually are given a salary for this, so-called, work. In my next life I will research, sitting down all day drumming up mad theories, cups of tea, taxpayer-funded. Bliss
34. Who write this article? Someone from Gay community?
35. IT’S OK TO BE STRAIGHT
36. Quick, put the author into a ‘LOONY-BIN. ALOHA-
37. I find lesbian love scenes boring. Sorry but it does not turn me on. I am not homophobic either.
38. I am male and no other male has aroused me, not even remotely.
39. Nekkid women do NOT crank my tractor!
40. I am unquestionably the most hetro dude in the world and so I can say with 100% truth that the “researchers” are wrong, again.
41. …but I consider myself the straightest man in HISTORY so I might be the exception…
42. i have taken a few pop quizzes on this and got back 100 straight which I am.
43. I like male masculinity, men with beards, hairy men, strong muscular men, the smell of a man, a man’s body
44. I might entertain ideas about Ruby Rose or Emily Browning and have my share of attractive women offering liaisons, but never had a desire to actually go there.
45. How about 100% WRONG
46. Artificial estrogen in the water, from birth control pills.
47. No no no. No one studied me.
