Happy National Cereal Day! I hope you are celebrating the day by buying yourself new cereal bowls at the retailer of your choice, or by reading a plethora of cereal-related content we’ve produced for you here at Autostraddle.com.
Today I took on the “impossible” challenge of ranking breakfast cereals by Lesbianism. It is an arbitrary scale that accounts for numerous factors and considers many concepts, including queer sexualities that are not specifically “lesbian.” Previously, we have ranked the following items by lesbianism: Law & Order characters, Emojis, First Names.
For this ranking, I solicited opinions from the various humans who work here at Autostraddle.com, and their quotes are attributed as necessary below.
Let’s dig in before your Corn Flakes get soggy, shall we!
47. Rip’s Big Bowl Engine 2 Plant Strong
“Strip for your honey dip
and never trust a man named Rip
or any man at all tbh”
– Lesbian proverb
46. Special K
What is the look that makes him look away forever tho
Special K is obsessed with making women lose weight through the compulsive consumption of processed carbohydrates and this feels like it is against the overall philosophy of lesbianism on multiple levels.
45. Hulk Cereal
so extra
My hulk will be feminist or it will be bullshit.
44. Multi-Grain Cheerios
We’re gay! We don’t want LESS woman, we want MORE WOMAN.
43. Life
Lesbians are pro-choice.
42. Cinnamon Life
Mey: Cinnamon Life
Because it’s an alternative lifestyle
For it to really work you need to write it as “life style”
41. Razzle Dazzle Rice Krispies
Much like the early LGBT Rights Movement, way too focused on gay men.
40. Oatmeal Squares
WE ARE NOT SQUARES, WE ARE A VERY ADVENTUROUS PEOPLE.
39. Cookie Crisp
the police state
dufrau: I was looking at cookie crisp thinking they used to have a criminal for a mascot and striped shirts are gay, but he didn’t even wear stripes. Anyway he got replaced by his dog sidekick who got replaced by a wolf for reasons nobody can explain. I don’t know if this is gay, but it feels like it’s not.
38. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
This cereal box is lesbian erasure because it features a picture of a man holding a tray of cinnamon toast instead of a lesbian shopping for cinnamon toast at Whole Foods. However Yvonne likes it “as a midnight snack,” so it’s still worthy of honor.
37. Cracklin’ Oat Bran
The “Os” are for all the orgasms lesbians have that straight women don’t. Also if you run out of hoop earrings, you can use this cereal as oral sex target practice.
36. Honey Nut Cheerios
Carolyn: Honey Nut Cheerios are gay because they are ubiquitous, just like homosexuality
35. Grape Nuts
Lucy: Healthy, vegetarian (prob vegan?) and crunchy. Also versatile, can be the top(ping) or bottom on a parfait.
34. Apple Jacks
Stef: there was a lot of bullying associated with liking apple jacks in their commercials in the 80s
BUT IT DOESN’T TASTE LIKE APPLES
they’re probably gay
Mey: I feel like anything with jack in the name is pretty gay (edited)
Lumberjack, jack halbestam, a cute mechanic using a jack- this is evidence for Apple Jacks
33. Honey Bunches Of Oats
Carolyn: “Honey bunches of oats are gay because there’s a granola component and they contain lots of flakes, just like many gay people.”
32. Nut ‘n Honey
Laneia: oh you know what’s lesbian is nut ‘n honey, bc the men would be like “what are you eaaaating?” and the woman would say “nut’n honey” and the dumb man would keep staring at the sports tv, but what if the woman was really eating cereal while fingerbanging the neighbor?
31. Rasin Bran
This cereal box has been edited by me to ensure you get the fisting joke
Much like your girlfriend’s vagina after a very long bath in a polluted swamp, Rasin Brans are shriveled up, vaguely fruity and a wee bit soggy. But good!
30. Frosted Flakes
Alaina: “because tony the tiger but three Rs in grrreat just like grrrl”
29. Trix
Cameron: Personally identifying with Trix these days. Feeling very close to the rabbit who just wants a bowl of cereal and can’t because some assholes made up fake rules for rabbits.
28. Cap ‘n Crunch
You may think that Cap ‘n Crunch’s clear worship of the hetero patirarchy, aristocracy and the military-industrial complex would give it a low score on the scale of “lesbian” to “LESBIAN.”
But, if you knew that the cereal’s famed flavor coating was invented by a microbiologist named Pamela Low who never married and spent her retirement in New Hampshire with “her Boston Terrier, Casey, and later another Boston Terrier named Winnie”… what then? What then.
27. Weirdly Named Off-Brand Cereal That’s All You Can Afford After The Non-Profit You Used to Work For Got Its Funding Cut
AM I DOING IT RIGHT IS THIS THE SPOT
Heather Davidson: I feel like ‘Weirdly Named Off-Brand Cereal That’s All You Can Afford After The Non-Profit You Used to Work For Got Its Funding Cut’ has to be ranked somewhere. We’ve all lived that honey loopers life at some point.
26. Honey Smacks
Valerie: Honey Smacks look like… something… inappropriate…if you’re 12 like me. And also they are called Honey Smacks.
Dufrau: I dunno about Honey Smacks. The name feels right but frogs just feel mad hetero to me.
Mey: Frogs can literally change their reproductive organs if they’re in female only spaces so they can give birth without males
Riese: woah
Alyssa: YESSSSSSS
Mey: It’s the plot of Jurassic park!
Alyssa: hold onto your butts!
Mey: They use frog DNA to fill in the gaps and that’s why the dinosaurs are reproducing in the wild
25. Morning O’s
These are the O’s you have alone under the covers while your ex (who still lives with you and still sleeps in your bed) is in the shower!
24. Gorilla Munch
Lizz Rubin, via our 2012 Cereal Roundtable: I feel comfortable openly telling you that Gorilla Munch is a knock off of Kix, but really it’s so much more! For one, it’s gluten free. For another, there is a picture of a Gorilla on the front! When I’m out eating it in public I can tell what people are thinking. “Holy shit! That girl eats the same thing as a gluten free gorilla!” Nobody fucks with someone who eats like a gorilla and is also trying to reduce their gluten intake. No one.
23. Shredded Wheat
Dufrau: shredded wheat is basically hay bales, lesbians love farming
22. Girl Scout Cookies Cereal
As we learned yesterday, working at Girl Scout camp is a great way to meet a wife!
21. Finding Nemo Cereal
There’s an Ellen DeGeneres in every box!
20. Count Chocula
Heather: my vote is count chocula due to every other lesbian being a vampire and also you can link to erin’s mike pence tampons post
Stef: count chocula is definitely a lesbian
Heather: jinx!
Stef: heather JINX
GREAT MINDS, MY FRIEND
Molly: if you take the “o” out of count it’s even better
19. Kashi Go Lean
Crystal: we eat kashi go-lean in my household
[my wife] katie likes to strike up convos about kashi with all the ladies in the cereal aisle
also it’s the only cereal we agree on. it’s the compromise cereal of our lesbian r/ship
18. Kashi Sweet Potato Sunshine
“Sweet potato sunshine” is my safe word.
17. Fruit Loops
Mey: Bowl of fruit loops put in the microwave for 45 seconds is very gay
16. Reeses Puffs
Audrey: Reese’s Puffs are the most bisexual cereal, for people who want to have it both ways with chocolate AND peanut butter.
15. Steel Cut Oats
Steel cut is a little-known lesbian haircut. Furthermore, queers have been known to enjoy steel-toed boots.
14. Annie’s Homegrown Fruity Bunnies
It will surprise exactly nobody that Annie (who we all know is queer) didn’t have to leave her home to find those fruity bunnies.
13. Active Balance Buckwheat & Qunioa
Way back in history, like shortly after dinosaurs roamed the earth, ancient tribes of lesbians were known to build their group shelters and gender-neutral bathrooms out of buckwheat and quinoa. You should try it. You’ll feel good!
12. Rice Krispies
Lesbians love hats!
Since 1929, Rice Krispies have been bringing the tender story of a cheerful lesbian triad into the homes and mouths of innocent schoolchildren all over the world. Poly propaganda at its FINEST.
11. Fruity Pebbles With Marshmallows
Marshmallow shapes include dolphins (aka gay sharks) and clams
Mey: I love fruity pebbles and all sorts of sugar cereal and I don’t like being kinkshamed abt it
10. A Taste of Honey Cereal
JUST a taste??!!!
I wanted to stay away from discontinued cereals but I could’t stay away from the sweet sweet temptation of a taste of honey cereal.
9. Organic Wild Puffs
“I hope the Organic Wild Puffs are playing at the Ohio Women’s Music Festival this year”
– a thing a lesbian has probably said
8. Muffets
um
7. Wheaties
yes a lesbian DID cut my hair why do you ask
Lucy: Wheaties — mainly for the box covered with hot athletes.
Fun fact: Wheaties put a lesbian on its box in 1935. Did any of you put a lesbian in your box or otherwise-identified genitalia in 1935? I didn’t think so. That makes Wheaties gayer than you. Unfortunately I cannot find a picture of the 1935 Babe Didrickson Wheaties box on the internet, which makes me never want to eat again!!!!
6. Frosted Mini-Spooners
Mini-Spooners, y’all. MINI SPOONERS. “Frosted Mini-Spooners” is my Safe Space Word.
5. Organic Indigo Morning
Organic promises are gayer than regular promises
The official breakfast cereal of my favorite Spotify Radio station for “a morning drive to the gym when the news is too depressing to listen to NPR,” “Indigo Girls Radio.”
4. Frankenberry
HONEY DO YOU LIKE MY MANICURE
AHEM.
3. Lucky Charms
Actual picture of a 19-year-old lesbian who just had sex with a woman for the first time
Dufrau: “Lucky Charms has actual rainbows you can eat. Plus stealing leprechaun treasure is basically antiquing, which is gayer than rainbows.”
2. Granola
are u fucking kidding me, two moms in the raw
Tied with hummus as the official food of the lesbian / bisexual / queer people. Granola is the crunch beneath our feet, the light of our loins and our reason for believin’. All this and more: Granola. (For more exposure to granola, please attend Laneia’s “Granola as Resistance” workshop at A-Camp 2017)
1. Good Friends Cereal
They’re just good friends!
Okay folks, now it’s your turn. I can’t wait to hear about which cereals you think I should’ve included or ranked differently, so please do NOT hold back. Also just a REMINDER that not all women have vaginas so please stay away from jokes about nuts and balls being inherently man-adjacent, thank you! Tell me how you are celebrating this important holiday. Tell me if you like to microwave your grape nuts or not. Tell me everything!
What happens if I am not a transmisogynist and my gf doesn’t have a vagina, or agree with mentioning Jack it’s okay to use the T-slur H?
what?
Also wtf is up with lesbians culturally appropriating Hummus as their official food? If you aren’t Middle Easter or eastern Mediterranean lbtq woman you can’t claim it as your own food.
I don’t think that making jokes about vaginas or vulvas or sexual acts that are usually done with women with with vaginas and vulvas is transmysoginistic.
How did I go through 27 years of life without knowing that my birthday and national cereal day are one and the same? This is important information!
Happy birthday, Alecia!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
good for all occasions
Shouldn’t the dazzle Rice Krispies be ahead of the regular ones? It’s the same three dudes, but with I’m getting ready to party flair and it’s a rainbow colored cereal.
Most of these cereals are pretty good tbh, and currently a fan of Trader Joe branded shredded wheats(the regular flavor). I think the fact that I like to eat it, makes it gay/queer.
this feels a lot like the names ranked in order of lesbianism in that i’m about to get some weird texts from count chocula.
WHAT ABOUT HOT CEREAL THO?
Oatmeal is the GAYEST.
i want you to know i suggested hot cereal and was rebuffed
Thought the cover image said Apple Obits, so now the face of death is a ravenous apple with an improbable leaf tongue.
i’m gay for puffins… still gay when my box is empty. #inadvertentdoubleentendre
“Feeling very close to the rabbit who just wants a bowl of cereal and can’t because some assholes made up fake rules for rabbits.”
I HOWLED IN THE WORKPLACE.
This reminded me that in high school, one of my best friends scolded me for laughing at a guy’s shirt that was a homophobic take on the Trix slogan (which I won’t repeat here). This was before I had any conscious clue that I was other-than-straight, and was also the first time I saw one of my friends actively stick up for gay people. So in a very roundabout way maybe Trix played a part in my eventual coming out? Anyway I give it +1 lesbian points just in case.
This is the BEST! Life cereal with the caption “lesbians are pro-choice” is fucking genius! When I got to Good Friends cereal I was crying with laughter.
This is the second time today that the topic of cereal in relation to orgasms has come up in my social media (the first being about how Corn Flakes were invented to prevent masturbation) and it’s not even 3 p.m. yet. What does the evening hold?
graham crackers were also invented to curb the masturbation menace. thank god for masturbation.
Yes, graham crackers were actually the entry point to the discussion in question. I guess that would bump Golden Grahams way down the lesbian scale.
“…they contain lots of flakes, just like many gay people.”
I feel called out.
Literally my thoughts exactly. They know us too well
I feel like we miss out on all the good lesbian cereal in Australia.
Except for SPORTS MUESLI FOR SPORTS
breakfast in a bag is for the same people who think yogurt in a tube sounds appetizing
yes, but you have an ice cream called “Golden Gaytime” so you’ve got that going for you
True, it is glorious. Putting brand name foods in other foods for a novelty buck seems to be a thing lately (Vegemite chocolate, Oreo creme egg) so maybe we will get a Golden Gaytime cereal!
Shreddies hired my pal to do some graphic design work on their commercial here in canada a couple years ago. She and her wife are probably still working their way through all the boxes of Shreddies the company sent them
LUCKY. shreddies are the best and should be on the list. you can eat them with cheese when you are too broke to buy crackers.
So glad that “cereal” is a tag on Autostraddle. I really appreciate all the cereal content.
My main question here is where can I buy a 3 pound box of Honey Bunches of Oats?? That sounds so amazing.
Also I would just like to say that I totally agree with Yvonne, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is such a good midnight snack!
Costco!
Also here in Canada we have an organic granola called Love Crunch, which is the sound a U-Haul makes as it backs over your heart when your ex moves out to go live with her new girlfriend.
^^comment award please!!
I ate some Love Crunch this morning with my organic cultured coconut milk. That is pretty gay.
“oh you know what’s lesbian is nut ‘n honey, bc the men would be like “what are you eaaaating?” and the woman would say “nut’n honey” and the dumb man would keep staring at the sports tv, but what if the woman was really eating cereal while fingerbanging the neighbor?”
ILY Laneia
YES I like to microwave my Grape-Nuts, fight me
i do too lisa I DO TOO
what is all this about microwaving cereal? what powers are you unlocking???
okay, i see your granola and raise you “homemade granola.” my mom (who is straight but is WERKING the birkenstock-lesbian aesthetic harder than any lesbian i know) makes it and it’s fcking delicious. I’m going to call her tonight and get the recipe and post it here so that you, too, can bask in the awesomeness of making your own damn cereal.
Please share your mom’s recipe!
I have been making my own granola for several years. And it’s glorious!
But sometimes it leads to sad moments because I grew up on a lot of this sugary stuff (mostly Smacks) and now that’s all just bleah in comparison. Sometimes I miss liking it. But only sometimes. The other times there’s a bowl of homemade granola waiting for breakfast!
5 cups rolled oats
2 cups wheat bran cereal (grape nuts)
1 cup slivered almonds
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup sunflower or corn oil
1 cup dried cranberries (or raisins but i hate raisins)
Heat oven to 300. Line a large, shallow roasting pan with aluminum foil. In a large bowl, combine the oats, bran cereal, almonds, sunflower seeds, and cinnamon.
In a 1-qt saucepan, heat the honey and oil just until bubbles appear around the side of the pan. Pour the honey mixture over the oat mixture and toss until well combined.
Spread the granola evenly in the foil-lined pan. Bake 40 to 50 minutes or until it’s golden, stirring every 10 minutes. Stir in the cranberries.
YAY GRANOLA
And even better is that making your own is so easy!
2 cups each oats, rye, and barley flakes
1 cup unsweetened coconut shreds
1 cup sunflower or pumpkin seeds
1 cup mixed nuts
1 tsp each cinnamon and ginger
Stir in a half cup or so of honey or maple syrup
Bake at 300 for 10 minutes, stir, then another 10.
Add dried fruit after baking.
The variations are endless.
Someone once told me when you’re outta cereal you can pop some popcorn (air popper) and eat it with milk, like a cold cereal. We tried it once and it was surprisingly decent. It’s gay because it’s DIY health food kind of like granola.
i’m going to start saying “it’s gay because it’s diy health food” about everything i eat now, thank you for bringing this phrase into my life
I do have to say that granola you made yourself is actually the most lesbian cereal. I first had it at a vegetarian coop I lived in for a summer, they would make it in huge batches.
Now my wife makes it at the wood-fired sourdough bread bakery she works at, which is run by a woman. I don’t eat it because they like to include whole buckwheat groats, which taste bitter. So.
Yours are almost the same as mine! And as already mentioned, variations are endless anyway. :)
I start with almonds and hazelnuts, first roasting them alone and caramelizing them with honey. Then adding a mix of several grains (usually oats, barley, rye, spelt, sunflower, etc), roasting, adding honey and cinnamon and more roasting.
And I eat it with yoghurt and fresh apple (or in the summer with strawberries or raspberries). Hmmmmmm…
But I always roast it in a large pan on the stove. It’s time consuming because it needs to be stirred a lot and blackens very fast if you step away for only a minute. I have to try it in the oven now, maybe that’s easier.
WHAT THERE IS GIRL SCOUT COOKIE CEREAL? guys.
YES! RIGHT? Is it just tiny thin mints? Do you keep it in the freezer? If the answer to these questions is yes, where do I buy it????
i am a fruity bunny
Drew is that you?
Who knew my love for Reeses Puffs revealed so much about me?
@glavinder‘s comment about Trix reminds me of this cereal commercial from a great episode of Atlanta:
Cop: No, only kids can have Coconut Crunchos, you know that.
Kid: That’s a wack law.
Mini Spooners!!!!!!! Yes!
I also love Honey Graham Oh’s, the slogan is “Good Things in the Middle”. Seems pretty gay
Muffets.
I know!
I just really feel like some good puns were left out of the “Morning O’s” description, but other than that, this is the best list.
But….how is muesli not on this list??
(Life-hack: instead of buying muesli, just eat oatmeal cold, with some raisins. Same basic effect, way cheaper, less sugar–probably more lesbian too because DIY)
I’ve only had muesli in Europe. I think it’s a European thing?
I’ve had “Mueslix” here but it’s a brand, and it didn’t taste like muesli
Muesli is definitely a thing in Australia (see aforementioned Sports Muesli)
This is the only cereal that makes sense. All other cereals are just like, a manic marketing attempt full of contradicting bad ideas. Scrolling through these I felt so much empathy for the marketing execs who prematurely aged trying to come up with something, anything, they could slap on a shelf as servable with milk.
We had a cool cereal that was like Mueslix that was called Uncle Sam’s cereal, so it still falls under the marketing freak-out need to make it a European cereal into an American product. Lol.
Rip’s big bowl plant strong = weeeeeeeed
My queer grandmother was very devoted to grape nuts, so I think those should be higher on this list. I also got my love of shredded wheat from jer, so I’m glad to see those are appropriately highly rated (although I’ve never seen them called either mini-spoons or muffets?)
Does anyone else remember grape nut o’s? Those were the perfect cereal, and extremely lesbian.
As a bisexual with a sweet tooth I would like to thank you for giving the green light to make Reese’s Puffs part of The Culture. Peanut butter is a vegetarian queer’s best friend, no?
No glitter required for the pride parade this year…..just fistfuls of cereal.
When I visited my grandparents growing up they would buy like 7 kinds of cereal and line them up on the kitchen counter. I think they were saying “Here is your carbohydrate rainbow. You do you, kid.”
who microwaves cereal??
do you microwave it after adding the milk? what does it do??
Great list but I can’t believe no one pointed out Butches Leaning On Things for #19 Kashi Go Lean
ahaaaaah
I did some investigation into Two Moms In The Raw, because I didn’t actually believe that was a real brand name. Miraculously it was, but they’ve since changed their name to the decidedly hetero Soul Sprout (apparently “millennials and even men” had trouble connecting with the original name). The article I read about this rebranding includes this very important information for all lesbian cereal eaters:
“The company decided to add options with ‘mainstream fruits’ to reach consumers who may not like the slightly sour and more tart tang of the superfruit options, which include Gotta Getta Gojiberry and Go for Goldenberry, Fray said.”
Oh, those mainstream fruits.
I appreciate your research and I salute you.
The best cereal is Malt-o-Meal’s Blueberry Muffin Tops, which sounds very pro-lady and sexual to me.
Malt-O-Meal cereals receive queer lady bonus pints for being cheaper but just as tasty-perfect for those living under higher poverty rates and wage gaps-and for their mascot being a cool single mama kangaroo!
Ricicles. I have found, in my extensive research for this comment, that you don’t have them in the U.S.! I don’t know how you get through the day.
Just look at the box. Also they have a jingle with its own made up words set to music – “we like Ricicles, they’re twicicles as nicicles, we like ricicles they’re twicicles as nice”. They’re elusive, like not all the shops have them, there was none in the village I used to live in for example. Plus I eat them all the time so I thought they should be at least mentioned on this list.
Y’all have a LOT of cereal choices in the US! This list was awesome, I cant decide between #20 #32 and #37 as my favorite but they did make me laugh out loud in the middle of the office…..
I live for these lists!!!! Riese please keep gaying up everyday normal things!!
Not liking Cap’n Crunch or Froot Loops would be a deal breaker for me, tbh. How can you not like crunchy pure sugar with cold milk?
In Canada, you can also make these cereals even gayer by adding homo milk
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1x6xbP1gg1qexz7a.jpg
*dying*. Chronic pain is actually immobilising me rn and thank you, autostraddle and muffets. Also *surely* fruity pebbles is an inuendo. Also indigo morning: some kind of queer/ literary Alice Walker fan person crossover waiting to happen, no?
Honey Bunches of Oats is one of my wife’s (many) pet names for me so I feel like that’s a +1 point
Awwww
WHERE ARE THE PUFFINS
I REPEAT: WHERE ARE THE PUFFINS
THE BRAND NAME IS “BARBARA’S”
BARBARA IS THE NAME OF AN OLD DYKE
OBVIOUSLY
Puffins are my root tbh
Thoughts on muesli, though? MUESLI
Apple Jack is also the name of a Dolly Parton song and a My Little Pony. Should that affect their ranking?
wait wait, is this Babe Didrikson on a Wheaties box? http://images.mentalfloss.com/sites/default/files/styles/article_640x430/public/wheaties_0.png. My grandfather has eaten wheaties almost every day of his life and officiates lesbian weddings -> Further gayness of wheaties.
I would suggest that Multi-Grain Cheerios is very bi/poly/omni/pansexual (or -romantic). Because, y’know, MULTI-Grain.
Also relevant if you’re a polyamorous WLW with other women (or femmes). *nods*
Thanks to this post I learned about spurtles, and specifically The Golden Spurtle. I feel so educated!
(Also, they look like dildos…)
Good friends who eat cereal together. Cereal which is something most ppl have before they go out in the morning. Mostly before they get dressed. Someone sharing that = more than just good friends. Two women on box = gay.
Also I love Reece’s Puffs but I feel a bit unsure if you’re just being American or if you’re reclaiming it. Over here puffs is a homophobic word for men. I’m proud of myself this week cos my stepdad used it so I reminded him that some of the toughest ppl of all time have been gay do it’s a stupid way to accuse someone of being a wimp.
Where the Puffins at tho?
I feel personally attacked over the “Morning O’s”, as a queer girl living with my ex for almost a year now who still sleeps in my bed sometimes. Is this a common gay thing??????