(feature image via shutterstock)

Not everybody has the extreme pleasure of viewing television shows and films with a human IMDB who is capable of providing loud and enthusiastic pop-up-video style trivia tidbits and filmographies in real time. Alas, some people who do have this privilege aren’t interested or able to speculate about the resumes of everybody who shows up on screen. Furthermore, they enjoy hearing the program they’ve sat down to watch rather than hearing aforementioned pop-up-video-style commentary, for some reason. As you may have gathered, the human IMDB I’m referring to in this situation is me. Nobody besides Carlytron talks over the teevee quite like I do! Sure, some things need to be said when they need to be said, but apparently “that’s the guy from Lost!” is not one of those things.

So, a few weeks ago I decided to start writing down all the who-is-that-actor things I wanted to say instead of saying them. Sometimes I write them down even if I’m watching TV alone, just to get it out of my system. I’ve found this to be a really effective strategy and I would recommend it to anybody suffering from a similar situation on their sofa. Besides I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is gonna read this list and think, wow I wish she had told me about the guy from Lost, you know?

I recently asked Laneia if she thought it’d be funny to put these notes into a listling and she said yes, which means at least one person is about to enjoy what I’ve gathered for you below.

Maybe you can guess what we were watching!

1. Ohhhhh it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt!

2. Look, the sex worker is Patricia Arquette! Remember her from Boyhood?

3. Oh that’s that guy from Nashville, Tami Taylor’s husband? I feel like he always plays like, politicians or something.

4. That guy is in everything! He was in Selma and The Wire remember I was telling you about him after Selma?

5. You know that other guy in Selma who I thought I’d seen in a comedy or something but didn’t know which one? It turns out he was in the Big Gay Sketch Show. So random, right?

6. That guy is only in crime shows, I swear! He’s been like in four crime shows. He was Olivia’s boyfriend in that episode of SVU we saw the other day when she had that weird dinner party?

7. I thought that was Hannah Horvath’s father but then I realized he was someone else’s father on a different show. But also I think he played a psychiatrist recently, he’s been in like 200 things. I imagine him sitting in a chair with a notebook looking at somebody sitting on a couch.

8. OMG IT’S DAWSON!

9. Is that Grace Helbig?

10. No it’s definitely not Grace Helbig.

11. It’s Charles Grodin! And Anthony Rapport! From Rent!? This is crazy. He went to my high school. When did Charles Grodin get so old though?

12. That’s Michael Urie! His boyfriend was like in my web of friends in high school. We smoked pot at Pine Knob at an Ani concert.

13. She was Steve’s mom on Sex and The City! She’s always playing people’s Moms.

14. It’s Lili Taylor!!! Omg I love her I want to do a Top Ten Lili Taylor roles. I feel like she’s going to live forever ! Omg you weren’t born yet when she was like, a THING.

15. I didn’t know he was gay, that actor? Did you know that? I was flipping through an Out 100 and he was on it! I wonder if he talks like that in real life.

16. OMG Desmond from Lost just rescued Olivia!

17. She said “the truth about cats and dogs” just then because she was in that movie, The Truth About Cats and Dogs. That was such a weird movie ’cause the whole premise was that she was too ugly to get a man, but she isn’t ugly! It’s so weird. Movies.

18. Update: that guy I thought was maybe Hannah Horvath’s father? He’s actually Hannah Horvath’s therapist.

19. And that’s the girl from Life Partners! The straight one. I know I knew her from somewhere.

20. Wait is that the guy who was Adam’s Apple or whatever on Glee?

21. Oh it’s the lady from Desperate Housewives!

22. It’s Miss Claudette!!!

23. Oh man, where do I know that guy from? I feel like he played an office drone but without the beard? Okay I just looked it up on IMDB, he was in 30 Rock.

24. That actress I feel like she’s always in old timey things, like Back to the Future III. I think she used to be a  big deal. Mary Steenberger or something, I think she’s married to Ted Danson.

25. Mary Kay Place! Always the sister or the friend’s mom, never the bride.

26. It’s Jason from True Blood! He doesn’t sound Australian or Southern he just sounds normal it’s so weird.

27. Well, we just came totally full circle because the guy who plays Hannah Horvath’s father is the lawyer taking to Cabot in that scene. Fuck I’m a genius.