2014’s Going to Be Different, Starting With My Kitchen

Learning to feed yourself can be one of the most terrifying things. Am I about to give myself food poisoning? If I eat this too often will I end up with scurvy? How can I get the most nutritional bang for my buck? Why does this still taste like ass?

With Ode to My Pantry, learn to navigate a grocery store without having a meltdown in aisle three. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a queer to cook and stave off malnutrition for another semester.

It’s almost new years and all that jazz! Like most of you folks I’m more apt to break a resolution than make a resolution this year. Jogging? Saving money? Calling my mom on a regular basis? I’m going to try, but, to be brutally honest, I’ll probably fail before I have a chance to turn my calendar page. But hey, while I can’t promise I’ll go to the gym,  I can promise that I’ll go to my kitchen! While some people can confidently say, THIS IS THE YEAR I GO VEGETARIAN, THIS IS THE YEAR I EAT LOCAL or I’M GOING TO PLANT A GARDEN I’m going to try for 14 attainable goals for 2014.

1. I will remember to buy more Nutella before it’s too late and I’m only left with heady memories of chocolate-hazelnut goodness and knife streaks at the bottom of the jar.
2. I will start labelling all of my leftovers, sauces and other Citizens of Chill Chest with their opened dates. Accidental soy cheese? Never again.
3. One way or another, I’m going to discover what the fuck a cronut is and maybe try a ramen burger while I’m at it.
4. I promise to eat a banana this year to see if they’ve stopped tasting like plaque and regret.
5. I will limit take out thalis to once a month fortnight week, no matter how cheap they are. Um, unless I’m really effing hungry.
6. I will buy a kilogram of discounted Cadbury Mini Eggs on Easter Monday! And I will not eat them within a week.
7. I will clear my freezer of all of my vegetable and animals carcasses and make some fucking delicious stock.
8. I will take the extra 10 seconds to grab my goddamn splatter screen when I’m sauteing to avoid 15 minutes of cleanup.
9. I will turn some of my pumpkins into Edible Things instead of Decorative Mold Globes.
10. I will figure out how to cook the broad beans, navy beans and kidney beans that have been glaring at me from my pantry for the past two years.
11. I will unpack my waffle iron, use my waffle iron, write an Ode about my waffle iron or just donate the ol’ dust collector.
12. I will grow a plot of tomatoes, bat my eyelashes and pilfer all of my retired neighbours’ secrets to their Gardens of Eden.
13. I will get off my ass on a Saturday morning and start making my own bread again.
14. I will floss. I know, not exactly food-related, but I should probably do it so I can continue having food resolutions in 2054 that aren’t exclusively “Learn to puree better.”