2012 Academy Awards Liveblog and Open Thread

Well here we are again at the Oscars. Did I see all the nominees this year? Nope. Not even close. But I gave it an awful good try. In case you forgot, these are some of the top nominees.

Best Picture:
The Artist
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
War Horse

Actor:
Demian Bichir- A Better Life
George Clooney- The Descendants
Jean Dujardin- The Artist
Gary Oldman- Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt- Moneyball

Actress:
Glenn Close- Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis- The Help
Rooney Mara- The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep- The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams- My Week With Marilyn

Supporting Actor:
Kenneth Branagh- My Week With Marilyn
Jonah Hill- Moneyball
Nick Nolte- Warrior
Christopher Plummer- Beginners
Max von Sydow- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

Supporting Actress:
Berenice Bejo- The Artist
Jessica Chastain- The Help
Melissa McCarthy- Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer- Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer- The Help

Directing:
Michel Hazanavicius- The Artist
Alexander Payne- The Descendants
Martin Scorsese- Hugo
Woody Allen- Midnight in Paris
Terrence Malick- The Tree of Life

Adapted Screenplay:
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash- The Descendants
John Logan-Hugo
George Clooney, Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon- The Ides of March
Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin and Stan Chervin- Moneyball
Bridget O’Connor and Peter Straughan- Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Original Screenplay:
Michel Hazanavicius- The Artist
Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig- Bridesmaids
J.C. Chandor- Margin Call
Woody Allen- Midnight in Paris
Asghar Farhadi- A Separation

You can read the full list of nominees and some of my feelings from a few weeks ago here.

Preshow start at 7pm EST!

Melissa McCarthy always looks so elegant at these things. Rose Byrne should have her hair in a long bob forever.

Rooney Mara looks just a little bit like she attached a gown to the bottom of a bra from the 40s.

Calling it right now: Jessica Chastain: Best Dressed.

Follow-up Question: Who is Jessica Chastain?

Oh Maya Rudolph. Maybe I should have given Up All Night a better shot.

Emma Stone is beautiful and amazing.

It’s not that I have a problem with what Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing, it’s just that I wonder if anyone else knows that she’s wearing a cape.

Meryl (we’re on a first name basis) is dressed like an Oscar to win an Oscar.

8:29pm: My clock says 8:29. Let’s get this show on the road.

8:35pm: Am I a sellout if I like Billy Crystal’s opening montage?

8:40pm: Wait. That wasn’t the whole opening? Billy Crystal is… still opening the Osars? Well I suppose it’s still 1000 times better than James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

8:43pm: What on earth do I have to do to become a Celebrity Seat Filler?

8:44pm: Can we be honest about the fact that I couldn’t care less about the awards Tom Hanks is presenting? Can we be honest about the fact that I couldn’t care less about Tom Hanks?

8:50pm:

8:54pm:
Me: Wait. What the hell was that movie montage about?
Roommate: Uh. Movies? Hash tag filler.
Dog: Woof

8:55pm: I love what they just did with the costume designers nominations. Such an important part of movies and soooo overlooked. Whatever I can be pretentious if I want to.

Excellent. Jane Eyre rocked.
**Update: Apparently Jane Eyre didn’t win. Apparently I just wanted it to so badly that I created an alternate universe where it did.

8:59pm: Is there a not-dumb way of saying that make-up is amazing? Also I can’t even handle how fucking funny that turn-pose joke fail was.

9:02pm: The first movie I saw in theater… just kidding I don’t remember and this montage is too boring for me to even make one up. Um. Are movies doing really badly these days? Is this PSA for going to the movies?

9:04pm: YESSSS! A commercial. I really have to pee.

9:06pm: Just checking. The joke was that Sandra Bullock was just speaking in German?

9:09pm: Where is Christian Bale from? Like I know “England” but I’m seriously confused by his accent. He’s dressed like black tie batman.

9:10pm: Oh. That’s who Jessica Chastain is.
Also I think that Melissa McCarthy just laughed at her own scene. Awesome.

9:13pm: FUCK YEAH OCTAVIA SPENCER

9:17pm:
Roommate: So wait, Glenn Close plays a man in Albert Nobbs?
Me: Nah I think she’s supposed to be a woman
Roommate: No… I think she plays a man…
Me: No I think we just have no idea what this movie is about

9:20pm: This fake focus group is filled with actors who’s names I can’t place. This isn’t that funny.

9:20pm: There’s an impostor on stage. Someone offered the real Bradley Cooper candy to get in a van and now he’s tied up somewhere.

9:29pm: 10,000 Galleons for anyone who can tell me the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing.

9:34pm: Ms. Piggy has a lovely dress on. I think she borrowed that hairstyle from that episode of Gossip Girl where Serena is Blair’s maid of honor.

9:35pm: Meryl Streep was just so unimpressed with that popcorn gag.

9:38pm: I would never want to see Circ du Soleil on drugs because I would never want it to freak me out anymore than it already does.

9:40pm: Robert Downey Junior’s gag doesn’t hold up. It’s not “The Artistss” and The Descendants

9:40pm:

9:48pm: THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE OSCARS

9:49pm: For the first time in my entire life, I’ve not seen a single movie in this category.

9:51pm: Seeing previews for Brave makes me super excited. Oh, not for the movie, but for my trip to Scotland. I mean, the movie too.

9:54pm: Emma Stone is perfect. Also she has like four inches on Ben Stiller. Also she can wear that dress every day for the rest of her life. Jonah Hill: #NotImpressed

9:56pm: I just absolutely teared up when they talked about the witches and goblins and visual effects of Harry Potter.

9:57pm:
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHO THE FUCK DIDN’T MAKE HARRY POTTER WIN. SOMEONE NEEDS TO SEND A MEMBER OF THE ACADEMY TO THE REAPING FOR NOT GIVING THIS TO HARRY POTTER. WHAAATTT.

When Hugo won I made a gasp so loud I woke the dog.

10:03pm:
I want Jonah Hill to win best supporting actor just for playing such a different character.

10:05pm:
Me: Can you imagine being named Ewan Mcgregor? Going your whole life being named Ewan? With Ew in your name?
Roommate: …Dude, I think it’s pronounced “Yew-an”
Dog: Woof

10:06pm: What are you doing April 4th? ‘Cause I’ll be sobbing my eyes out at the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking a.k.a. the day Titanic comes out in 3D.

10:07pm: FYI my roommate and I are playing the Screan Actor’s Guild drinking game. You drink every time someone says “Scorsese.”

10:10pm: Thank god they panned to that dog because this voice over bit with the actors in the audience is so boring.

10:14pm: Oscar Break!!! This is more important!!

10:15pm: I think we all know John Williams is going to win Best Score because he’s John Williams.

Guess not.
Roommate: Fuck The Artist
Me: Fuck The Artist
Roommate: I wish we’d seen it so we could more properly hate it
Dog: Woof

Sorry guys. Still haven’t made it through the trailer.

10:17pm: Wait. Are Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis seriously just smashing cymbals in Brangelina’s face? Is this a metaphor for their first time at the movies? I’m going to stop now because there’s no joke I can make as funny as Zach Galifianakis mispronouncing his own name. I have DVR and rewinded to watch it again.

10:20pm: Obviously Man or Muppet should win here. On a related note, are we seriously not going to get to see this performed live?

10:22pm:
Original Song:
WINNER: Man or Muppet from The Muppets- Bret McKenzie
Real in Rio from Rio-Sergio Mendes, Carlinhos Brown and Siedah Garrett.

Until this very moment I really thought Jason Segel wrote Man or Muppet

10:26pm: Somehow, Angelina Jolie just doesn’t feel like the same person anymore.
I love that they’re showing the script below the images for Best Adapted Screenplay

10:29pm:

Jim Rash is totally the dean on Community isn’t he. As a side note, The Ides of March was weird because the writing was so good and the acting was truly just terrible. Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual blew it for the team.

Midnight in Paris deserves 100% the win for best screenplay. Midnight in Paris. Midnight in Paris. Midnight in Paris.

YES. That’s how we do it Woody style!

10:37pm: Sorry for the delay. This just crashed the server a little bit.

10:40pm: I’m really tired of everyone parading the women from Bridesmaids around like they’re the first funny women in the world.

10:43pm:

10:46pm: Guys, guys, guys. I actually watched all of the short animated films. Except La Luna which no one was allowed to watch. The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore deserves it by leaps and bounds.

Wow I can’t believe The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore actually beat Goliath a.k.a. La Luna a.k.a. Pixar. Win.

Also, my parents are really proud of me about the whole Weblog of the Year situation!

10:51pm:
They’re presenting for Directing. My biggest concern is whether we should open another bottle of wine.

10:55pm:
The Artists? Fuck the Artist. I hope nothing interesting happened during the acceptance speach because I used that time to use the bathroom.

Also, for those waiting in suspense, we opened another bottle.

11:01pm: It took me an additional five minutes to figure out what exactly Oprah won and James Earl Jones won. Honorary Award type things.

11:03pm: I never ever ever ever want to watch the In Memoriam part of the show. Now that I’m old enough to know who they’re talking about it’s just sad.

But yo. Who is that biddie singing? ‘Cause she can Get It.

11:06pm: Is it disrespectful to wonder why thats the only picture of Steve Jobs anyone has?

11:07pm: Obviously that In Memoriam was just for the 2011 calendar year because it didn’t reference Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

11:13pm: I could not be more bored of the Magic of the Movies montages.

Also, apparently that was Esperanza Spalding. My bad.

11:18pm: Best actor is boring. The again, I’d watch Natalie Portman read the dictionary. Also Brad Pitt needs a haircut like nobody’s business.

11:20pm:

I wish The Artist would stop winning things because I’m so so obviously never ever going to see it.

11:20pm: Carly speaks my feelings:

11:23pm: How is this still going on? I almost wish the creepy circus would come back. Can’t we just have John Williams conduct a few numbers?

11:25pm:
[re: Albert Nobbs]
Roommate: Wait. So wait. She’s pretending to be a man because she’s a lesbian or to be a business owner?
Me: Dude. We still haven’t seen the movie.

11:27pm: I think I just really like Colin Firth for no reason. Also Meryl Streep should be the leading lady in all films.

11:29pm:

Psyched to see Meryl Streep take it! She’s so amazing. I just want to take this moment to remind you guys about her overalls in Mama Mia!

Roommate: But you just know Glenn Close is thinking, “WHAT? But I played a woman playing a man!
Me: Or something.
Roommate: True. I guess we still don’t know.
Dog: Woof.

11:33pm: I’m rooting 100,000% for Midnight in Paris even though Woody isn’t even going to show up to collect. Don’t care. I actually, technically, legally seen Midnight in paris five times. Next time I really should just buy it for myself.

11:35pm: Seriously what’s my game plan here if The Artist or Hugo wins? Seriously.

11:36pm:Well I guess I’m going to have to make one.

11:38pm: Gotta love that they brought the dog on stage.

11:40pm: So what did Team Oscar Liveblog think of tonight?

Roommate: No. I’m not going to take a picture with a sideways thumb in front of my face. I’m not having that on the internet.
Dog:
Me:

Alrighty. Well that was the Oscars. This shit was boring. I hope next year they can get Billy Crystal form 20 years ago to host.