Feature image via McClatchy DC
One more day! One day more! Election, election, you’re only a day away!
What a wild ride, huh? I know I’m not alone in feeling like I’ve aged a solid decade since these campaigns began. When even was that? Were we ever so young? Such simpler times.
Is this what Christmas Eve feels like for people who think Jesus might come back and destroy the world? Like, tomorrow could be incredibly affirming and celebratory — or we could all be instantaneously consumed in a pit of fire. Sleep tight! See you in the morning!
Look, I’m about as calm as could be expected between forcing myself not to check FiveThirtyEight and turning off NPR because it’s too stressful. I’ve already voted (if you haven’t, look up your polling place here), I know where I’ll be tomorrow night, I canvassed, I gave, I changed my therapy appointment to Wednesday. But I still need one last boost to get through these remaining hours, and I suspect you might too.
To help us all channel Hillary Clinton’s unshakable resolve, here are 16 foods she’s been seen or discussed eating on the campaign trail. Maybe chow down on a few today and tomorrow. I hear they’re great for your stamina.
1. The Best Scrambled Eggs
Secretary Clinton likes hers well done but reportedly makes “pretty good” soft ones, so follow your heart.
2. Easy and Smooth Hummus
Incredibly scandalous emails reveal that Hillary’s a Sabra fan.
3. Quick 10-Minute Pickled Jalapeños
Hillary famously eats one raw jalapeño a day, which is probably what gives her the internal fire necessary to endure 30+ years of misogynistic bullshit and still want this job. Here’s an alternative if, like me, you have a bit shier palate.
4. Jalapeño Honey Hummus with Spiced Olive Oil Tortilla Chips
Okay, so I don’t have official confirmation that she’s eaten this, but (see above) she obviously would. I volunteer to bring some to the Oval Office in January.
5. Chipotle’s Chicken Burrito Bowl with Cilantro Lime Rice
Hillary Clinton: First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, Presidential Nominee, “Unrecognized Burrito Bowl Fan.”
6. Classic Italian Hoagie
Hillary broke her no-eating-in-front-of-the-press rule (because patriarchy ruins everything) to enjoy one of these during a Pennsylvania campaign stop. I hope it tasted like victory.
7. Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds
If eating mass quantities of Hillary’s favorite snacks makes you more like her, I should be on track for a Presidential bid by 2040. (There’s also this recipe if you don’t care about making them “healthier.”)
8. Awesome Homemade Pizza
via Playbuzz
Look at that focus. That’s my President.
9. Ninja Squirrel Hot Sauce
Officially endorsed — accept no substitutes.
10. Pork Chop on a Stick
via CBS News
Brought to you, as always, by the Iowa State Fair.
11. Easy Grillable Veggie Burgers
There are some opinions Hillary and I do not share, one being her preference for Boca Burgers. We all deserve better; eat these instead.
12. Indian Chili Chicken
How she celebrated the end of those Benghazi hearings. (There was also, obviously, alcohol.) Excellent taste in comfort foods, Madam Secretary.
13. Chocolate Covered Ice Cream Bars
She enjoys the Dove variety.
14. Coffee Walnut Layer Cake
A favorite from her First Lady days — to the point that she asked the White House pastry chef to make it at least 20 times.
15. Mikey Likes It “Victory Mac Daddy” Sundae
A reporter asked Hillary how many calories are in this and she booed him and kept eating. Damn right.
16. The Nasty Woman
Cheers, Hill. We’re With You.
Yes this article is amazing! Also good work campaigning for Hillary :)
You know, thus actually really helped. Also, I phone banked for Hillary on Saturday and thought of your canvassing article!
THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY thank you!!
When I first read the article title I saw “16 ways to eat Hilary” and I was like, “that’s a little weird” but still opened it. Now I’m equal parts happy and disappointed by the actual topic of the article.
“misogynistic bullshit”, kind of like the misogynistic bullshit she portrayed when she lied about a 12 year old girl being into older men in order to help her case when she was appointed to defend a child rapist?? WOW
Go away
You know that was a lie right? It’s been gone over about 100 different times with the DA who was present, along with eyewitnesses. It’s something that Trump supporters love dragging up that absolutely isn’t true in the slightest.
What the hell are you talking about? Is this something TrumptheFraud pulled out of his ass? And even if there was some truth to it, what does that have to do with the fact that there has been a relentless wave of trying to prove that Hillary has done something so wrong that she will be arrested and not be eligible to become our next commander-in-chief and no matter how many rocks are turned over they can’t find anything to indict her for. But that doesn’t matter to those who are convinced that she must be guilty of something, so instead of following the rule of law in this great democracy of ours, we have people who want an all out war against someone they have been spoon fed into believing is a criminal even though they have nothing but conspiracy, unfounded bullshit to offer which does not hold up in a court of law, the laws that everyone is supposed to obey and when you don’t, it makes you a criminal. You can’t say the system works when it goes your way and that it’s rigged when it doesn’t.
Donald should definitely use her at his upcoming child rape trial in December then. Such hypocrisy, unbelievable.
That one of her eating pizza is from ’08. I recognize it, and the pizza, well because it is my home town- Old Forge, PA. The (very small) town is famous for its southern Italian pizza style.
Thank you for giving me something to point to when defending my decision to eat (soft) scrambled eggs at almost every breakfast for two years and counting.
I am definitely baking that cake this weekend if there is cause to celebrate.
I read this in the teacher’s lounge and it made my nosy co-worker and I both super hungry even though we’d just eaten.
I love the nasty woman. Brilliant.
I was starving by the time I finished writing this post so I get it. Here’s hoping for cake in your future!
Great article. Thank you!!
That one of her eating pizza is from ’08. I remember it, and the pizza chafing dishes
It’s kind of a pity anything more than a tiny hint of chili powder hurts my face and keeps me up all night with both ends of my digestive system protesting.
Definitely need to try that cake, though. Coffee-flavored everything is my weakness.