Last week we published a list of nine ’50s/’60s books from a then-popular genre of cheap paperbacks: entirely fabricated or otherwise compromised “sociological studies” of human sexuality penned by pulp authors pretending to be doctors. “Lesbianism” was a very common focus of these “non-fiction” books.
Below are statements about “lesbian behavior” pulled mercilessly out of context from the pages of the sacred text A New Look At The Lesbian, by “Scott O’Neill,” storied author of Campus Call Girl and Profile of a Pervert Volume 2. We hope it provides a lot of insight into why you are such a hot mess.
16 Hard Core Facts About Lesbians
1. The vast majority are strongly sexed and almost constantly preoccupied with sex.
2. There are actually many cases of Vampirism on the records — cases in which cuts have been inflicted on the body of the femme and the blood sucked from them by her butch.
3. Conversations among their own group consist of sexual gossip, certainly in excess of what we might have designated as “good taste.”
4. The maternal instinct is always present in a Lesbian. They are given to sublimation of this womanly quality in some cases. Cats, dogs, birds.
5. Set one hundred women down on a deserted island and within a week, a quarter of this number will become lesbians.
6. One reason the Lesbian hang-outs are so well-covered by our law enforcement agencies is because of the frequency of fights, knifings, and hair-pulling contests.
7. In other words, they became strippers because they were Lesbians, and did not become Lesbians because they were strippers.
8. In the past, wars have sufficed to keep down the population. That and rampart homosexuality in war-ravaged countries.
9. A young girl that remains a tomboy when she should be wanting her first pair of high heels; more interested in playing touch football than going to dancing class; trying to walk, talk and play like one of the boys instead of wanting a permanent and lessons on poise — all of these things should warn a parent that something is awry.
10. If the neighbors say that the two girls who live in the apartment are nice enough, but seem to fight a lot, you’re pretty well on your way to establishing a Lesbian relationship.
11. No, we do not put our Lesbians on faraway islands. Nor do we lock them away in asylums. But have you ever visited a typical Lesbian bar?
12. No husband, catching his wife in a moment of complete indiscretion, can match the strength of the jealousy felt constantly by the lesbian.
13. Naturally, there are homosexuals in all walks of life but there are far more Lesbian waitresses, clerical helpers, shop sales girls, beauty operators, minor technicians, musicians and the like than there are painters, business executives, doctors, writers or even actresses.
14. One will notice among any given Lesbian group that many are sufferers of what appears to be a chronic skin disease.
15. The sect or cult of lesbianism lives on among us today, affecting almost each of us in one fashion or another. Hitler’s Thousand-Year Reich had overall a considerably less impact upon us, yet it was comparatively short-lived.
16. Biting, a form of oral sadism, is frequent among these women, and probably accounts for the high number of turtle-necked sweaters sold to them.
I’m pretty sure my mom repeated a variation of #9 to me throughout my pre-teen years.
Same here, girl
#9- all of these things should warn a parent that their daughter is going to be AWESOME!
Autostraddle is just killing it this week! As are the vampire-butches apparently.
“Set one hundred women down on a deserted island and within a week, a quarter of this number will become lesbians.”
And within another week Ilene Chaiken will be there with a camera to film the Real L Word, Castaway Edition.
Although to be fair if Shane was one of the women on that desert island, within a week 99 of this number will become lesbians.
And Jenny would turn most of them back.
If Shane was on that island 99 out of 100 women everywhere would start purposefully crashing planes and sinking boats into the ocean hoping to wash up on that particular island.
But wait! They never explain the tantalizing question about whether the race to the moon was triggered by lesbianism. Personally, I’m guessing it has to do with Artemis, outdoorsy gal that she was. (Either that or Sandra Bullock.)
WELL WELL WELL. it was very confusing what his actual theory was because his whole argument, which was basically about overpopulation, seems to suggest that homosexuality might be a solution to the overpopulation problem, but also that moving to the moon and other planets could be a solution to the overpopulation problem, so he never makes a case that lesbianism triggered the race to the moon because based on his logic… lesbianism should prevent us from having to race to the moon? I mean, idk why this didn’t win a Nobel Prize
“Experts have decreed that in a hundred years or less, we won’t be able to feed the population of the Earth at that time unless we now devise some other means of growing food. Large hydroponic tanks are one answer, yeast cultures another, seaweed and help derivatives still another, but none of these will do all the work. Something else is required. Could it be a temporary stopgap of increased homosexuality, plus a subconscious desire for extra-terrestrial colonization? Well, it’s a theory — and perhaps not too far-fetched, at that.”
Do you mean “seaweed and *kelp* derivatives”?
nope, it really says “help derivatives.” i wouldn’t be too surprised if they published this book with typos intact.
Now I wonder how they planned on marketing “help derivatives” to a wary public. Something like, “We bet you’ll be a sucker for succor”?
well, Kennedy brought up the whole moon thing in 1961, about the same time he was hiring E. Roosevelt to chair the Commission on the Status of Women, that’s where my mind went, it would have added more sense to this already senseless theory…Eleanor told us to go to the moon. Or rather, I would have preferred that one.
“Biting, a form of oral sadism, is frequent among these women, and probably accounts for the high number of turtle-necked sweaters sold to them.”
Sorry not sorry!
MY LIFE
‘3. Conversations among their own group consist of sexual gossip, certainly in excess of what we might have designated as “good taste.”‘
Ah hah hah hah. So true.
#13 – well now we know where to troll for dates in 1963, if we ever stumble into a time machine.
yes #13 should be a footnote to our previous post “10 places to meet lesbians if you have a time machine“
Reason #1938 that I love Autostraddle: this is a thing you can reference.
Right? OMG the fact that that is an article that is already been written is why this is the greatest website ever.
I was thinking that re: #13, should we all be transported back to 1963, that we now know where to more fully target the population to speed our total liberation of women of all fields and professions. Also, this fool had never seen home movies of Marilyn Monroe hanging with her butch friends had he?
To paraphrase his own craptastic lard sauce, “No lesbian, feeling the constant jealousy she supposedly feels, can match the jealousy of the acrid, desperate, mother-hating, no-date-having jealousy and despair of the author of this blatantly envious book on the awesomeness of lesbians.”
“One reason the Lesbian hang-outs are so well-covered by our law enforcement agencies is because of the frequency of fights, knifings, and hair-pulling contests.”
Typical Friday, nailed it!
Picture every one of these being read in the classic Twilight Zone narrator voice.
There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call Lesbianism.
Bless you, for I finally have inspiration for NaNoWriMo, granted the month is halfway done but by the powers of Lesbian Jesus, miracles can happen!
For one glorious moment, She moved through me and my actions were not my own. Let’s hope she didn’t pull any of that Immaculate Conception bullshit while she was in there.
Submit it on AS, I want to read that.
I imagine it being read by Ze Frank in the style of “True facts about the …” I think he’d nail an audio version of this article.
Yesss this would be perfect!
“11. No, we do not put our Lesbians on faraway islands. Nor do we lock them away in asylums. But have you ever visited a typical Lesbian bar?”
Yes…Cubbyhole *cue dramatic music….and a Tegan and Sara song*
i found cubbyhole very apocalyptic
There are ornaments, ALL. OVER. THE WALLS!
(Well to be fair some of those are often true.)
And as I like trying to make sense of the senseless…..
Where did he get those numbers from?
1/6 of women are Lesbians but 1/4 would become Lesbians on a desert island? All women are latent Lesbians yet 3/4 of them are immune to the wonders of Lesbian Island? He could at least make up believable numbers. Or maybe he’s not fully comprehending the wonders of Lesbian Island.
I might start capitalising Lesbian all the time. It makes me feel important.
Think of it this way: we all have a predisposition to be Lesbian. For 1/6 of us, our current environment is enough to activate the Lesbian gene. Another 1/12 of us (assuming the original 1/6 is included in the 1/4 figure) require the environmental manipulation of 1 week on a desert island with 99 other females in order to express Lesbianism. The final 3/4 require greater than one week of exposure to the desert island setting before succumbing to their basic instincts.
My question: how many of us are here, on autostraddle, right now, because we were once or are currently marooned on a desert island?
Holy crap! I understand now! Every time some asshole was like, “Oh you’re a vegan, what if you were stranded on a desert island, would you eat animals then, hmmm?” They were mentally preparing me for the inevitable of being marooned on an island and being forced to resort to an omnivorous diet and Lesbianism.
(I’m pretty sure Lesbian island is vegan and gluten free friendly though.)
Those assholes are probably the ones conducting the study. They obviously know something about Lesbian Island.
I would hope all the food sources would be vegan and gluten free, though.
Unless you’re one of those butch vampires. But let’s be real, all the blood the vampire butches will need will be consensually supplied.
Ouch, maths.
These are amazing. Finally an explanation for these zits on my chin at my middle-age!
Also, UGH, the knife fights at Rubyfruit used to get way out of hand. We all know that’s really why they went out of business.
I made the mistake of reading this in class and I’m pretty sure I wound up looking like a weirdo who found isocost lines to be hilarious.
For #15: looks like Godwin’s Law was alive and well even 50 years ago.
Lesbianomics!
Wait…*petitions to create a class on lesbianomics*
Unfortunately, my microeconomics class is almost entirely male. Yes, I’d like to switch to this lesbianomics class, please.
Aha! So that explains why all my ex girlfriends have been lepers. (14)
Basically, lesbians are climbin’ in your windows, snatchin’ your people up, tryna bite ’em to spread their hyper-sexualized vampirism. So ya’ll need to hide your kids, hide your wife (especially your wife) cause they’re biting everyone out there.
WHERE ARE ALL THE BUTCH VAMPIRES?
^this is the important question.
I need directions to Lesbian Island, please. I find myself almost constantly preoccupied with sex and feeling strongly jealous of those who are actually having it.
suddenly the holiday song “Christmas Island” popped into my head with all the pertinent lyrics replaced with lesbian, it was fun.
Can I have directions to this island please.
13? Oh my word 13. That seems to suggest that the easiest professions for (white) women of the day to enter would make them most likely to be lesbians. And 15? 15? 15? Really 15, really?
Cylon cabin at A-Camp. I’ll say no more… :-)
I’m impressed that he worked butch vampires AND Hitler in this one.
Can we just take a second to address the back of the book? Among my favorite parts:
1. The use of exclamation points for! every! thing!
2. “Every word is the scalding truth!” Clearly.
3. These facts are apparently “hard-core.” Which I’m still trying to figure out.
I do hate the sun, so I guess it’s possible that I am a butch vampire
#16
i just snort-laughed in my office at:
“…storied author of Campus Call Girl and Profile of a Pervert Volume 2.”
thanks for the laughs, riese.
3. Conversations among their own group consist of sexual gossip, certainly in excess of what we might have designated as “good taste.”
AUTOSTRADDLE FTW!!!!!!
14. One will notice among any given Lesbian group that many are sufferers of what appears to be a chronic skin disease.
A chronic skin disease known as FLAWLESSNESS
The comments section for this has brightened my day. Amazing.
This is pure gold.
OMG! *waves to the other Lesbian Vegan Vampires* :)
House of Heaven bloodline denies involvement and responsibility. Wasn’t us.
Fascinating. This was obviously marketed as male porn and demonstrates the love/hate nature of lezboporn. Despite this, I can imagine a kid of my generation finding this in the back of the garage and freaking themselves out.
BTW, Tina sez, “Set 100 women down on a desert island and within a week there will be free health care for everyone.”
Truth on the health care. I’d add: “free health care with full coverage of and emphasis on preventative services and treatments such as acupuncture, a full range of massage therapy, humane and supportive women’s sexual health services. And full-service hot springs.”
“Biting, a form of oral sadism, is frequent among these women, and probably accounts for the high number of turtle-necked sweaters sold to them.”
Holy Moly. Humans in the 60’s really just knew all the things and totally appropriated everything gay and amazing. Like turtleneck sweaters and hickies.
“No husband, catching his wife in a moment of complete indiscretion, can match the strength of the jealousy felt constantly by the lesbian.”
Am I the only one who found this hilarious? I literally spit out my drink reading it outloud to my girlfriend.