For many, polyamory or monogamy are not fixed modes of moving through dating and relationships. These things can change over time, fluctuate depending on partners, and look like a lot of different things to different people. Some people consider themselves monogamous but allow space for flirting or kissing outside of the relationship. Non-monogamy can take a lot of different shapes, too, and can often be so personal. Discourse around polyamory and monogamy sometimes flattens these realities. To demonstrate the wide range of possibilities, we asked our team to describe where they fall on the polyamory/monogamy spectrum. What’s your own relationship to polyamory and/or monogamy? Has it changed over time? Let us know in the comments!
12 Queers on Where We Fall on the Polyamory/Monogamy Scale
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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya has written 1069 articles for us.
Comments
I have a friend who says she’s polysaturated with one partner, which is a nice way to think about monogamy.
Wut dat mean
I think with the polyamorous/monogamous scale you are completely missing lots of other stuff like fuckbuddies, promiscuity, and so on. The sapphic way of non monogamy is controlled, discussed, organised and love/relationship centered. Thats not so much the case in other parts of the world. For example gay non monogamy is more community/group based, anonymous, non verbal, sex and spontaneity centered. No judgment, just saying that you have a blind spot here.
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot for myself recently, so I really appreciated reading this! Drew’s, Stef’s and Nico’s answers especially resonated with me.
I don’t polyamory is an oppressed identity, with widespread housing, employment, and other discrimination
but it’s true that many of the legal mechanisms of claiming someone as family are not readily available to people with more than one partner or more than one co-parent. the implications of this for monogamish people are few, but in north american jurisdictions you can’t be legally married to more than one person, and in most of north america you can’t put more than two people on a birth certificate. as gay people, the issues that arise from a lack of legal recognition as someone’s kin should be very familiar to us. you could make the argument that for many people, polyamory is a choice while queerness isn’t, but I don’t think the liberty we’re fighting for should be contingent on claiming that we’re only doing so as a concession to people for whom there are no alternatives. if love is love and love wins, then surely the number of people who are mutually loving and caring for each other should not matter