This morning we had this fantastic idea to rank every orange thing. We knew it’d keep our minds sharp while I avoided thinking about my life and we all went nuts with anticipation regarding the impending release of Orange is the New Black Season Two. Now it’s dark outside! Where does the time go?
Here are 100 Orange Things, ranked very loosely and often arbitrarily but usually very deliberately. We eagerly await your feedback in the comments.
100 Things That Are Orange, Ranked
100. Annoying Orange
“It’s the worst youtube thing to ever become an actual TV thing.”
– Laneia, Executive Editor
99. Garfield from the movies
“Garfield in the movies is the worst.”
– Forever Intern Grace
98. Burning Fires Of Hell
This is where gay people go when they die. Sorry IT’S TRUE.
97. Road Work Ahead Sign
This is your warning that in about three minutes, you’re gonna be miserable for the next three hours.
96. Terror Alert Level Orange
Seems serious.
95. Carrot Top
*Shrugs*
94. Super Plus Tampax Tampons
Sometimes it felt like you are ramming an entire roll of paper towels up there and the cardboard was so slippery and the packaging was so bulky and thank g-d for ob.
93. Bad Spray Tan Situations
This keeps coming up so I’m going with it.
92. Mario Batali’s crocs
Rachel says it’s his “thing.”
91. Orange Idle Notification in G-Chat
Red and green have definitions, orange could mean anything!
90. Florida In General
“Florida is a swamp, because of this it has quite a fertile landscape for the growth of oranges. People are really proud of Florida oranges and think they make Florida a special place. I used to have one in my backyard, but then it died after my mom died. This could have been a metaphorical thing, or it could have been because then nobody took care of the orange tree anymore. The license plate in Florida also prominently features an orange.”
– Chelsey, Editorial Assistant
via Shutterstock
89. Buffalo Wings
I just can’t with these.
88. Kosher For Passover Orange Slice Situations
If I wanted to eat something orange during passover, I’d eat one of those weird/DELICIOUS kosher marshmallows, you know?
87. Circus Peanuts
What is this fresh hell.
86. Hooters
Once upon a time I went to Hooters with my frat boy boyfriend on our way to the porn store and he told me I should work at Hooters and I said my boobs weren’t big enough and he said that I could always wear a padded push-up bra or else I could get implants if I wanted to. Like I didn’t have to, because I was already perfect obviously, but you know, if I wanted to. Reader: I didn’t want to.
this isn’t my hair, this is just a picture i found on the internet
85. My hair every time I try to dye it blonde myself
Me: “Janet, just tell me what you think, honestly.”
My Friend Janet: “Anyone who told you that your hair looks good is trying to sabotage your life. You look like — like — a shiny copper penny! But it’s not even like, even!”– 2006
84. Garfield in the comic strips
tbh I think he’s a little played out.
83. Cantaloupe
Sorry I know a lot of people claim to like this shit but it really annoys me when I get a fruit salad and it’s almost all melon.
via shutterstock
82. Traffic Cones
YOU AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME, TRAFFIC CONES.
81. Cheetos
Cheetos are good because they are delicious, but they are also bad because they are filled with terrible chemicals that will eat your stomach lining from the inside and turn you into a goblin.
via shutterstock
80. Orange Soda
“I don’t like soda, any soda, so I don’t like orange soda, but the overpowering and dangerous media messaging of Kenan & Kel convinced me for years that I was depriving myself of something really life-changing. I’m over it now it’s fine.”
– Rachel, Senior Editor
79. Hazmat Suits
This is what they wore to dig the dead body out of my apartment, I believe. (Don’t worry, it was like six years ago.)
78. Pennies
Did you know that in Canada pennies are illegal?
77. Vitamin C
Remember that song “Graduation (Friends Forever)”? Did you know that Vitamin C has her own Tommy Hilfiger lipstick color inspired by her signature orange hair? Honestly I’ll never know how you answered either of those questions, but I will forever wonder.
RIESE AND ALEX LOVE SAFETY!
76. Life Vests
Life vests are great because they rescue you from drowning and give you something to lean on if you are hanging out in your canoe. They are also bulky and uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as being dead at the bottom of the ocean.
75. “the gigantic container of utz cheese balls that you can buy at costco”
74. Doritos
I wasn’t sure if Doritos would be considered good or bad, but Yvonne & Rachel both said they would be considered “good,” so this is where they ended up.
73. The Gates At Central Park
lol remember when this happened
72. A Clockwork Orange
This book is really brilliant and amazing and also SUPER f*cked up and disturbing. I read it like three times when I was fourteen, that’s why I’m so weird now.
71. Peanut Butter Crackers
Once upon a time, I ate these every day. It was a really special time for my overall health. #neverforget
70. Ernie
The thing about Ernie is that he is a child so Bert and Ernie can’t actually be gay lovers. I wrote about this once, back before I got into serious journalism like this list.
69. The Sacral Chakra
Laneia copy/pasted this to me:
Location: The center of the abdomen
Color: Orange
Parts of the body: Reproductive system, sexual organs, lumbar plexus
Endocrine gland: Gonads
Sense: Sense of taste, appetite
Consciousness: This chakra is associated with the parts of the consciousness concerned with food and sex. It is about the body’s communication to the Being inside, about what the body wants and needs, and what it finds pleasurable. The person’s ability to have children is also associated with this chakra. If there is not a clear relationship with the element of water, associated with this chakra, the person’s relationship with water is a reflection of their relationship with the parts of their consciousness associated with this chakra, i.e. food, sex, or having children. This chakra is also associated with the emotional body, and the person’s willingness to feel their emotions.
68. Orange & Black Muscle Cars
“Hey orange and black muscle cars are pure sex. You had sex right then just from thinking about them. OR MAYBE I JUST LIKE DYKES IN MUSCLE CARS AND BOLD COLOR CHOICES? Don’t worry about it. But seriously an orange 1967 Shelby Mustang is straight up sex, you guys.”
– Laneia, Executive Editor
67. Hayley Williams’ Hair
This person is in the band Paramore and her hair sure is orange!
66. Goldfish, the fish
65. Goldfish, the cracker
64. The Orange Properties in Monopoly
“The Mediterranean Avenue and Baltic Avenue are the least-landed-upon properties, while the orange properties (St. James Place, NY Avenue, and Tennessee Ave.) are the most, due to their proximity to Jail, making them the most lucrative monopoly in the game. Acquiring the orange monopoly gives you a very high probability of winning.”
– Wikihow
63. David the Gnome’s Fox
I think Rachel has a weird definition of “orange” but I’m gonna roll with it anyhow.
“David the Gnome was a show about tiny gnome people united with adorable woodland creatures against large, scary trolls. One of David’s key allies was a helpful fox named Swift, who carried David about on his back like a little king of the forest. If I were ever going to be carried on the back of a woodland creature, it would definitely be this fox. ”
– Rachel, Senior Editor
62. Home Depot
“Home depot, the great electric orange experiment in home-based self-determination, where the availability and helpfulness of the staff is inversely proportionate to the square footage of the store.”
–Marni, former Home Depot employee and A-Camp Co-Director
61. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Because sometimes you just have to be like, “f*ck it.”
60. Orange Bell Peppers
The dark horse of the bell pepper family.
59. This Cat Kate Used To Live With
“This is Orlando, who I lived with in Philadelphia. He is a special cat who may or may not also be a dinosaur of some sort, based on the noises and faces he liked to make.”
– Kate, Contributing Editor
58. Blogger
Without which none of us would be here today.
57. Butternut Squash Soup
There are actually SO many good orange soups out there that you should try, for example Carrot Ginger Soup and Pumpkin Soup! This is really just one of many, I want to be sure I get that message across.
56. Creamsicles
They’re so delicious!
55. Monarch Butterflies
They’re so pretty in the air and all over!
54. The Golden Gate Bridge
I thought the Golden Gate Bridge was red, but apparently it is painted “International Orange.” You learn something new every dang day!
53. Chicken Tikka Masala
I know it’s predictable but I think it’s predictable for a reason and that reason is; “it is good.”
52. Beeker the Muppet
Meep.
51. “Finding Nemo”
“I cried at Finding Nemo, and I’m only about 7% embarrassed to admit it, and my crying was only about 67% due to Ellen Degeneres’ portrayal of Dory. How much of my crying was due to Marlin’s being orange? That’s for me to know and you to find out by watching Finding Nemo again on your own and, let’s be honest, crying.”
– Rachel, Senior Editor
50. Persimmons
“Persimmons are a smallish fruit that you can cut into pieces and put in your mouth and you will be so happy you did!”
– Rachel, Senior Editor
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I haven’t finished reading this I just came here to tell everyone that circus peanuts are the fucking worst. I mean I’ve never actually tasted one so i’m just judging with my eyes and brainparts.
i was really counting on you to have a first-hand account of eating circus peanuts after that intro, brianna
I mean I sometimes just hold a bag of them in my hands and wonder. But i’m just as confident as you are in my blind assumption that they are the Actual Worst.
(also while reading this I mentioned in a group gchat situation with my cabin that I have never seen Finding Nemo and I think I started an actual riot)
(I’ve never seen Finding Nemo either)
I saw the picture of circus peanuts and almost threw up a little because I remembered being a brave child and trying them. I always just called them Satan’s candy so I’m glad to know that they have a real name
Actually, circus peanuts are DELICIOUS. Try them.
They are disgusting but fun if you stick them in the microwave. They swell up until they are the size of a sweet potato.
crystal gibson they are marshmallow goodness.
i am here to protest persimmons on your list because they make my tongue feel gross and i think i am allergic to them and once i had to wear a persimmon bridesmaid dress and i hated it.
also laneia let me direct you to this cover girl nail polish called “rogue red” which is actually glittery orange, like, are they stupid? it is definitely not red. it’s really good though. i bought it at rite aid, in a section marked ‘hunger games,’ so i dunno, it’s pretty fancy.
that’s why it’s called ROGUE red, stef, it’s going ROGUE as ORANGE
it’s like the opposite of a blood orange.
persimmons have a weird aftertexture in general maybe? have you ever bitten into a not-ripe persimmon it is the absolute worst.
This is an awesome list but also if it was just Hayley Williams’ hair and Creamsicles over and over again, I would have been ok with that.
I just want to say I really love 70,52,24. I am, one could say obsessed, with all things Muppets and Jim Henson. I was so glad to see them on the list. As well as 30 and 15, cartoon tigers are also a thing I immensely love. <3
I just read this whole thing and now I desperately want cheetos and cheez-its but there are NONE NEAR ME and I might have to settle for cheese on a triscuit but it is just Not going to be the same.
This is a fine piece of journalism, and I appreciate the diligence and research that goes into making such a thoroughly researched list, but… I must respectfully disagree with the placement of Cheez-it crackers so far above the perennial classic Goldfish crackers (is there even a cracker more perfect?).
And also, I had forgotten about creamsicles. Thank you.
I just want everyone to know that I wrote that Hobbes chant from memory.
everyone already knew that, carly. we love you.
I bought circus peanuts once because I thought they’d taste like peanuts but, you know, super sweet peanuts. They did not. They tasted like regret.
Also, my partner started reading this list with me. There is now a pot of macaroni and cheese being made.
I am massively disturbed by the lack of barbecue chips on this list.
The only time I have seen a hazmat suit in action (in a picture in the newspaper), it was green. Maybe that’s because it was a bomb squad? Special colors for special departments?
I’m not sure about all this strange hazmat suit business, so I think the bbq chips should take their place.
Thumbs-upping for BBQ chips
Ahhhh…I love this article. Please never stop making “vapid fluff” articles. I was having a rough day you know trying to beat the patriarchy and this is just fantastic.
DON’T EVER STOP & DON’T PUT BABY IN THE CORNER.
But also better than Orange Julius: http://orangeleafyogurt.com/ann-arbor
Thank you for reminding me that David the gnome exists. I had the full collection of gnomes books on my shelf as a child and all the spines lines up together spelled out Gnomes…IN ORANGE!
This post is actually kind of cute if you’re NOT from The Netherlands, where the national color is ORANGE and days such as Queens/Kingsday, sport events such as world/europian soccer championships, speed skating events are covered in this color. I can’t even walk into a grocery store without being vommited on by orange soccer memorabilia. My connotation with the color orange is bad bad bad, but I’m very happy for the show to be back.
So true, and lets be honest nobody actually looks good in a Roy Donders orange track suit. http://shoppen.blog.nl/files/2014/05/Foto-2-Jumbo-juichpak-Roy-Donders.jpg
Wait, how is like every junk food item on this list other than buffalo wings ranked *higher* than buffalo wings???
In Addition to Mylou’s post though : Orange is also the color of the Dutch field hockey team and those girls are not only the best team in the world (reigning Olympic champion) but have also 4 or 5 out players on the team.
yo i think orange just became my favorite color?
Go vapid fluff! What about Orange m&m s! Very well timed as I have a very orange life right now !!
Also Calvin and Hobbes!!! My fav!!! Attack of the deranged mutant killer snow goons!
So, as someone who looks like they are actually dying every time I wear orange clothes (pasty skin whatever) I now have a newfound appreciation for orange. Vapid fluff changing my life, yo.
i have a theory that cantaloupe farmers have insane lobbyists who struck a deal requiring all fruit salads be at least 70% cantaloupe. that’s is the only explanation, right?
#cantaloupeisnottheonlyfruit.
My friend just told me she wasn’t allowed to watch David the Gnome because apparently it had really backwards ideas about the role of women. Her parents were afraid it would have a bad influence. Seeing he’s on a list on autostraddle, the influence couldn’t have been all bad?
i LOVED david the gnome growing up, but while writing this list i realized i can’t remember anything specific about it other than the episode where they save a bunch of bunnies on a raft, so who knows, really.
I want you to know that my best friend and I totally read this list together while eating Kraft Mac and Cheese. Just fyi. That really enhances the experience.
awwww
I was reading this list and I wanted a snack. I only realized the appropriateness of eating an orange after I had picked it up out of the refrigerator.
My girlfriend shipped two of those giant cheese ball tubs across the country as my six month anniversary gift and that’s true love y’all, cheese balls for #1 in my heart
Now that the ORANGE DONALD is running for president…we should send containers of these Cheese Balls to Hillary and tell her to crush 2 of them every day between now and the election.
uh are you married now? you better be. thats true love right there
This list is possibly my newest favorite thing ever. We were just learning about the sacral chakra in my yoga class today. Also the bit about 1967 orange Shelby Mustang was beautiful because my dad currently has a 1989 Shelby CSX which he’s thinking about selling and that’s the type of car he wants to buy. Also Claudia Donovan CAN WE JUST I definitely
havehad a crush on her when I was younger.I think you forgot one…no love for the University of Tennessee? Go Vols?
you gays are actual geniuses.
i read this whole f-ing list because fire drill, went home early, drinking until dinner.
First of all, YES ANY MUSCLE CAR THAT HAS BOLD COLORS IS STRAIGHT UP SEX.
I LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES!! My moms has been reading and re-reading my compilation books for the last 4 years I think. I never see those books anymore. She says she’s still using them. O.O
wait but scissoring came with no context and I feel really conflicted about it
This was good! =) EXCEPT, Annoying Orange is NOT last! And the Netherlands should have been worked in here somehow, and Pumpkin Curry.
After reading “creamsicles” my eyes glazed over into nostalgia mode, and I briefly longed for the creamsicle hair (bleached with a couple orange panels) I had when I was 19. Briefly. Every so very briefly.
Also: candy corn. Circus peanuts made the list but not candy corn?? Clearly you didn’t consult a candy expert for this article, which really makes me question your journalism..
You forgot to mention the Syracuse Orange (of Syracuse University, my alma mater) and their mascot, Otto the Orange!
This is AWESOME. On several levels.
..where was candy corn on this list, though?
And where are Dutch orange things?
Mmm cheddar cheese and clementines and Cheezits.
…and now I -kind of- want a Creamsicle.
Three things that I would say are orange are: the sunset, a pumpkin, the fall trees
Why do you have something against gays?
I am a complete stranger who was goofy enough to type “things that are orange” into the advanced Google search. I was looking for something to complement white and green, and it so happens that orange is found in the flags of India and Ireland. (Also Niger, why may be a bit of a bummer, but that’s where we find our best evidence that there was once a “green Sahara.”) I landed here and I declare it to be utterly awesome. Sweet potatoes, monarch butterflies, pumpkins, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Grand Canyon, cheddar cheese, tigers, autumn, sunsets — I’m sold! A future civilization owes its color scheme to you. Thank you.
Why is Donald Trump NOT on this? Seriously.
Agreed! Trump deserves a mention on this list.
garfield deserves better this article sucks balls (they are orange)
You will actually be able to to discern exactly what shade of orange that is when you arrive. You know…for being such a judgmental bigot 😊. Hope you wear a tire for a necklace and some gasoline underwear 🔥
this is so cool like you master
good work at all