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Q:
My girlfriend and I have been together for nine months, and it’s going really well. Neither of us are out to our families yet since they’re both pretty conservative, but we’re seniors and we’ll be going to college in the fall, far enough away that we can tell more people. I’ve decided to go to the same school as her, and we’re planning to be roommates. My best friend used to be really supportive of us as a couple, but since I told her about my plan she doesn’t want to talk about my girlfriend and I and keeps saying she thinks it’s a bad idea. I don’t have many people I can talk to about my relationship, and my girlfriend gets jealous when I talk about my friend with her. How do I convince my friend to stop being upset with me?
A:
Hello darling. You should keep in mind that I’m a bit older than you. This is both good and bad to have in an advice giver; it’s something you should ponder as you read on.
Nine months. Congratulations! Nine months is a really long time when you’re in high school—mathematically, this is true. When you’re 17, nine months is almost 5% of your life thus far.
I was with my high school boyfriend for five years—at the time I broke up with him, we’d been together for, what is that—a quarter of my life? But it felt like 100% of it, we were so close. In high school, we both belonged to a group of people who weren’t quite like other high schoolers—we planned ahead, had huge dreams and had no desire to go to small town parties and engage in stupid bullshit. We were Very Serious People in rural New Jersey. We knew, just knew, that someday we’d get married and have children. And what’s more, both his parents and mine believed we would too (see: Very Serious People).
We decided to go to college together, too, like you and your girlfriend have done. I was an actor and had to audition for college—I only got in two places, and really only one was a viable option. He wanted to be a brain surgeon and he had the brains to operate on brains, too. He got in a load more places than I did, and they were a load more prestigious, too. I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t I who decided to go to the same college as him, but he who decided to go to the same college as me. Would he have done something totally different with his life if he’d gone to a fancier school? Did I hold him back? No one knows, because that’s not what happened.
We couldn’t live together because we were a straight couple, for one, and also because we went to two different schools within our large University. We were really sad about not being able to live together, especially since my first roommate and I didn’t get along very well. We spent so much time with each other that it was almost like we lived together, but better. I had a place to go when, in sophomore year, one of my roommates pissed me off so badly that I looked at her and saw only rage. We each had entire halls full of friends to introduce to each other. While we grew to enjoy these aspects of living apart, I think we must have had a conversation about getting married so we could have moved to couples housing. I don’t remember exactly, but it’s something we would’ve talked about, being Very Serious People.
Gosh, could you imagine if I’d done that? What would have then happened when, in my junior year at University, I realized I wasn’t straight or even bisexual, but just plain ole gay? It would’ve been a right mess—if we’d been married, or even if we lived together, I doubt I could’ve salvaged my relationship with him after I broke his heart. As it stands, I did salvage it. Thank goodness we didn’t do those things.
What I’m saying is this—I don’t think you should live with your girlfriend when you go to college together and I don’t think your best friend is being unsupportive by telling you the same. Based on what you say here, actually, I think she’s being the most supportive—and she’s exactly what you want in a best friend, because she’s in your corner and she’s supporting you as a whole person. She’s giving you some solid advice here—this is a bad idea. It is. Darling, this is a terrible idea.
There’s a number of red flags in your letter—that your girlfriend is jealous of your friend is not a healthy dynamic. It’s not good to be cut off from friends when you’re in a relationship; it’s even worse idea to be cut off from them because of your relationship. You don’t say what school you are going to, so I can’t look up the rules, but many universities have policies against same-sex couples living together. If your university has a policy like this, it’s an extra bad idea. Since you’re not out to your parents, it’s a bad pulp novel waiting to happen.
But mostly, it’s a bad idea because university is a place of great knowledge and discovery, and I’m not just talking about the classes you’ll take or the major you’ll choose. University is where you do a lot of the work of becoming your adult self, and being able to undergo that transformation with the freedom and terror that comes from being on your own will make you a more self-aware, self-sufficient adult. After I broke up with my boyfriend, I did so much: I fell in love with a spectacular woman who didn’t love me and I got my heart broken; I moved to Paris with one of my best friends and we went on adventures for an entire semester; I discovered that if I could break up with my boyfriend, I could also break up with acting, and so I became a writer instead. It was all exactly what I needed.
I’m not necessarily saying you should stop reading this and go break up with your girlfriend; I’m also not necessarily saying you should change your mind about going to the same college (though if you’re having second thoughts about it, you should change your mind! Likely, it’s not too late to do so without a transfer). What I am saying is, like a plant, you need room to grow, and to grow into whatever wild shape you’re meant to. Don’t share your soil just yet.
It’s great that you already know you’re gay. But your sexuality is but one facet of your personality, your being. There’s a bunch in there you don’t know about yet. Statistically, you’re likely to break up with your first girlfriend because of one of those myriad things. It sounds harsh, but like the percentages of our lives, it’s just math. Math don’t lie.
It sounds like you live with your parents now, and that they’re conservative. There’s nothing less real about where you are right now and where you’ll be in a year or five years—it’s all real life and I’m not saying it isn’t. But your world right now has much closer boundaries, is much smaller than it’ll be next Fall. Right now, in a smaller place with conservative parents and no one to talk to about your sexuality, it can feel like your girlfriend is the only person who understands you, who has a similar set of experiences. That’s simply not true. You just haven’t met other people like you yet. And you need to experience a larger pot, plot or field before you decide where to put down roots and what other plants will be next to you when you do.
I can also imagine that, because you’re sneaking around right now, the novelty of seeing each other all the time is really thrilling. Imagine! You can kiss and hold hands and be adorable with each other whenever you want and you don’t have to check to make sure no one is watching! But I want to promise you that thrill will be a hundred times as strong if you get to choose when you see each other.
I also get the sense that, like me, you’re a Very Serious Person, so I also understand the pressure to progress. Being myself a Very Serious Person, everything must be heavy, mean something and either last forever or be a planned step that will help me on my march to Greatness and Happiness. It’s one of the reasons breaking up with my boyfriend was so hard: all those plans and all the times I said it was forever (I’m a woman of my word). It’s the reason that breaking up with acting was even harder: I trained and studied for years and I said I would never give up on my dream. It all comes from the same place within me—a place I see in you too, even from your brief letter. Very Serious People can spot each other miles off. So I’m here to tell you what I wish I’d known when I was planning my life with my high school boyfriend: everything counts. If you were to break up with your girlfriend tomorrow, the relationship would not have been a waste of time. Relationships are successful when they teach us something, when they ultimately (though likely not immediately) leave us different and better than we were when we started. It’s okay to have a successful high school relationship that doesn’t last forever; it’s okay to have a successful high school relationship that doesn’t last ’till next Tuesday. It still counts. It’s still not a failure, or giving up. Everything you’ve ever done leads you to where you’re standing right now. That high school boyfriend I had? Because he went to Rutgers, he met the person he later married; he works in a lab, trying to cure ALS because he’s a damn genius. I “wasted” all that time trying to be an actor, and the dialogue in my fiction demonstrates my years of training. It. All. Counts.
Which is why I pretty much know you won’t listen to a word I or your best friend have to say. Darling, I’m all but positive that you’ll touch the stove on this one, and even if you do, you’ll gain from it, eventually. It’s a perfectly valid way to learn things—remember how I said one of the great things I did in college was falling in love with a woman and getting my heart broken? Sucked at the time, but it taught me a lot: about myself, about the ways in which the wide world worked, about recovery and resilience. I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world, even though at the time I was a pajama-clad crying lump on the couch, spending all my hours playing Farmville and feeling sorry for myself.
But what your best friend understands is that this way of learning is not without its burns. You’ll eventually need someone to swoop in and remind you how to pick up the broken pieces of yourself when this roommate/girlfriend situation goes to the shitter (and who knows, maybe it won’t!.) I’ve been in your friend’s situation more times than I can count. I give advice and it’s ignored and then my friend, the one who should really follow my advice if I do say so myself, wants to keep processing the destructive decisions she’s making even though these destructive decisions are truly optional! Even though there are about a million other things she could be doing that aren’t touching a hot stove! Darling, do you know how frustrating that is? To watch a friend crash and burn and not to be able to fix that situation for her? I haven’t always responded in the nicest way to my friends when this happens—when I don’t have anything nice to say, sometimes I say the mean thing anyway.
But your saint of a friend, she’s abiding by the rule! When she doesn’t have anything nice to say, she’s not saying it! And it sounds like she’s all but begging you not to make her say it. Likely, your friend doesn’t want to snap at you and ruin things when she knows damn well you’re going to need her more than ever in six months. She’s letting you make your own decisions and mistakes! She’s not using up her emotional resources now, she’s saving them for when her resources will truly make a difference to you. She’s doing such a good job supporting you that you don’t even realize you’re being held up right now.
So how do you convince your friend to stop being upset with you? You thank her and you don’t try to make her burn her bridge with you by continuing to poke at this situation. If you do plan to go through with this (and just to try one last time, please don’t, this is a terrible idea), here is a script for you to practice and follow when you talk to your best friend: “I understand you don’t think our plan is a good idea. It is noted and I think, even if you say it’s a mistake, I’m going to do it anyway. I still respect your take on it, and thank you for loving me even when I don’t do what you would do. I promise we don’t have to keep talking about this aspect of my relationship with my girlfriend—I’ll only bring it up again when something changes.”
Now the hard part—actually doing that. In the meantime, tell your journal, tell your therapist, tell your girlfriend about your hopes and fears going into this new situation (she needs to know them anyway). Connect with your best friend over the many other facets of your incredible life. Also don’t misunderstand me here: this is not a pass for your friend to check out on you—if you’re feeling weird or low and you need her, provide her with a way to support you that respects her differing point of view. Feeling worried about university? Get together and color or play a video game or play basketball and remind each other how you love each other and how you’ll each be there for the other whenever each of you touches the stove.
Good luck, darling.
Ali, this is so good. I loved the part about how everything counts, especially. And how you gave such good advice, both in response to her question (seriously, LW, do not move in with your girlfriend. The walls of your world will open up. But do go to college far, far away), and for if she doesn’t listen to your advice. Genius!
Thank you <3
This reminds me when my best friends, a straight couple, planned to move into her parents house for a year after uni while he did teacher training and she started her phd. I specifically remember a discussion with them and some other friends about the sort of boundaries they would have, things they’d obviously not discussed, like who would cook, where they would keep their stuff, how he would make his own friends in a new town whilst living with his ‘in-laws’, how they would have time to themselves in a tiny room that they both needed to study and also sleep in. They had a minor argument there and then, but six months later they did it anyway. And six months after that, they split up.
In the grand scheme of things, they are both in very happy relationships with new people and still good friends.
But as an outsider, I can’t help thinking how shitty it was for a few months, and how blindingly obvious it was going to happen!
That said, I felt the same about a couple who did long distance, after being together a couple of months, when she moved away for uni at 18. Six years later they are living together. So my outsiders opinion is defs not infallible.
This is exceptionally good advice and I, personally, would urge the original writer to follow it.
This is one letter where I would like to see follow up and know what she decided to do. :)
Me too… I hope she keeps us posted.
Gosh, me too. I felt such big things in my heart for this one.
Bravo
oh bless you, this is wonderful.
no bless you, thank you for reading <3
This is such good advice! and so beautifully and sensitively written. So impressive Ali.
Thank you!!!
This is so beautiful and wise and kind <3
<3 <3 <3
Definitely solid advice, and solid predictions :)
Good advice. If you and your gf live apart during college and give each other that crucial space to grow and still come out of it together, you can always move in together later.
THIS
right? totally.
Yes! You can move in together later, and then both of you will have great/funny roommate-stories and new insights about how you like things set up, how to decorate, all the tiny details of creating a living space that is all about you. Many people go from family of origin to partnered and don’t ever live alone — it teaches you so much. Insights into the self & also world/life skills.
Great advice.
When I finished high school I moved across the country and into a tiny dorm room that I shared with by best friend, who I was madly in love with. This is not a life choice I’d recommend to anyone, ever. At that point she was mostly convinced that she was straight and what we had was a platonic thing that defied labels. I wasn’t really out yet and didn’t know how to talk about the situation to anyone at all. Y’all can imagine how much that sucked, I suppose.
Even without that level of complicated, making new connections in a new place is SO MUCH easier if you don’t share 24/7 with someone you’re already close to. Promise.
I also moved in with my NON-girlfriend. What was I thinking? Well, I was desperately in love. Life is better now, I can say that.
This is excellent advice, and I love that it’s written in such a way that it respects the asker whether or not they choose to follow said advice.
This.
Ali, please follow me around and always tell me what to do in this firm and loving manner.
Also, PLEASE, don’t move in with her! Even if your love IS forever, you have until you’re very old and wrinkly to live together. Experience living with other roommates, where fighting about dishes isn’t so loaded and emotional.
Coming to camp? If we’re both there again, I can at least do this for you for five days in May-June. <3
NOOOOOOO I’m not but only because the first day of camp is also my WEDDING.
But star runners are considering a cardboard cutout situation, so I’m sure 2-D Emma could also use some advice. Slash skype me in to everything, thanks, bye.
I met my current girlfriend on our mutual first day of college, and we ended up moving into the same dorm suite in our junior year. We did NOT share a room. We had a very detailed discussion about how we would maintain personal boundaries/feel like we had enough space while living in the same suite before we moved in. Even after three years together, if it wasn’t an emergency situation or something pre-discussed, we *always* knocked and asked before entering the other person’s room. Being that close to each other was wonderful, but we both realized the danger of losing our personal space or making unreasonable demands on each others’ time and emotional energy due to proximity.
I love her deeply. We both graduated in May and have lived together on and off since then, depending on mutual finances and work situations. We hope to live together long term. If we had shared a single dorm room in college while also being in a relationship, I don’t know if our relationship would have lasted nearly this well. In college, our dorm rooms were pretty much the only spaces we were in charge of and could retreat to – it’s not like sharing a house or apartment with someone where you can live together without always being around each other. Don’t underestimate the importance of having private, personal space.
Great advice! I’m a stove toucher myself.
This is solid advice and I’I think you’re right Ali, she’s probably gonna do it anyway.
Annon: College is the weirdest best place to find out a lot about yourself. You are already going to be lucky enough to go someplace far away from your parents where you can explore what it’s like to be you. Some of us didn’t have that option and so we explored what it was like to be us later. I was 24 when I moved out of my parents house and it wasn’t until I was 27 that I started to accept that maybe I was gay as the day is long.
Also, having a friend who has the guts to tell you you are wrong and not get into a bridge burning fight with you is huge. Keep her around.
THIS THOUGH about the friend
That is a GOOD FRIEND, everyone needs that friend
This is the best advice.
And i Laughed Out Loud at “Which is why I pretty much know you won’t listen to a word I or your best friend have to say” because AINT THAT THE DAMN TRUTH. God, whether im getting or giving the advice, no one ever listens. You can only ever learn anything, hands on stove.
But the most important part to follow is DONT PUSH YOUR FRIEND AWAY. You will always always no matter what need your closest friends!!
oh man, do you have any idea how hard it is to change roommates?
I hope you have a long, happy relationship. But if things go south or you just want some space for the relationship to grow, you are going to be stuck sharing a very small space.
just get a roomie you don’t know and give yourself that year to annoy them with all the bad habits you’ll need to grow out of while you learn to live independently.
“oh man, do you have any idea how hard it is to change roommates?”
Oh man, yeah, I didn’t even think to say that! If it goes South, there’s like three different meetings you have to go to to explain why it went South.
I have no actual need for this advice but oh my gosh this was so heartfelt that it made me cry.
OP, I hope you’ll take this advice. You can spend all your nights with your girlfriend, but when you’re still learning how to be adults, it’s good to have your own space. It’s good to know how you react when someone’s left their dishes in the sink for a week or when someone didn’t even offer their half of the bills or when you say you’ll share food with your roommie and then they eat more than their half. There are a million little things you learn about yourself during college. Having to keep yourself calm, cool, and collected in front of your girlfriend will not help.
Enjoy your freshman year! They practically design it to help you make friends. And have so so so much fun <3
Very Serious Person here, just wanting to thank you for putting words to my seriousness. Next time someone asks me to go clubbing when I don’t want to, I’m going to let them know that I am a Very Serious Person of the Very Serious Gay Tribe, and we don’t go clubbing. We read and drink tea.
“It. All. Counts.”
Thank you, for that whole paragraph.
I touched this stove, and honestly I was fine but the person I lived with was very much worse off for the two years we spent living together (also with other flatmates), and I missed out on some of the Not Serious fun sexy parts of university. Would not trade the hook up times for the incredible relationship I’m in now though…
Ali, as a fellow Very Serious Person, I loved this. Excellent advice.
This is stellar.
I think this is the best advice I’ve ever read. Anywhere.
Aww shucks. <3
Such, such, such good advice, every word! And so respectfully written for whatever decision Letter Writer makes. My heart is warmed!
I am also a Very Serious Person who continues to beat herself up for not doing enough/well enough/etc., and “it all counts” is a wonderful thing to hear. (I always think of Uncle Iroh saying, “Life happens wherever you are, whether you make it or not!”) I have also touched several stoves I was advised not to by my best friend, and she’s done the same. But those stoves are no longer in our lives, and we are still in each other’s, and best friends are MAGIC.
“I have also touched several stoves I was advised not to by my best friend, and she’s done the same. But those stoves are no longer in our lives, and we are still in each other’s, and best friends are MAGIC.”
That’s probably exactly how I would sum up my relationship with my best friend/s, thank you so much! You put it so well.
I hope you email her back with this advice so she doesnt miss it! And let her know to let you know what she does! We are all curious about how this works out! Going to college and figuring out the future, and finding your future self, is the most exciting time.
I just want to hug this whole letter. This line in particular resonated with me:
“What I am saying is, like a plant, you need room to grow, and to grow into whatever wild shape you’re meant to. Don’t share your soil just yet.”
I want to share this line with so many people I know, and honestly it’s something I could do with internalizing myself.
I’ve lived with two people I’ve dated, and also with a best friend. By the end of one year living together, my best friend and I were no longer on speaking terms and it was several years before we could begin to repair anything.
Living with someone, anyone, is difficult. Being in a relationship can be difficult (certainly not all the time or that’s not healthy, but all relationships have ups and downs). Combining two things that require that much work puts you into a crucible and while that’s something your relationship probably would need to be able to withstand in the long run, there’s no rush to shove yourself under that kind of pressure with any kind of immediacy.
Ali you are magical and shiny and this letter-writer is so lucky to have your wonderful advice!
To Ali: this is amazingly well-written, and you’ve moved me to comment for a mere third time on the lovely AS dot com.
To the letter-writer: I think you and I could be friends. I’m also a senior in high school, with a best friend who gives hard but (usually) true advice, and my girlfriend and I both have conservative parents, and are both attending the same college that’s pretty far away. However, there’s a few crucial differences between us, too. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, and for the majority of those three years, her parents have forbidden her from contacting me, because their daughter being gay was the worst thing that could happen to them. (Obviously, we’re sneaky and we’ve made it work.) Our situation isn’t optimal, similar to you, and we discussed Very Seriously living together, because we too are Very Serious people, and after so much sneaking, it was a very tempting prospect. But we have decided that while in undergrad, we will not move in together. It was a hard choice, but ultimately, we came to the conclusions that Ali came to. There are so many choices to be made in college, and we decided we didn’t want to limit ourselves. We go to catholic school, and while a lot of the theology we’ve been forced to memorize is homophobic crap, one teaching about love has stuck with me: love is a consistent choice. That really resonated with me, and I think it’s true. You have to choose to stay in love with someone. And by living together so young, in a dorm environment where you can’t have much private space, you’re removing your choice to be around that person. You’re kind of stuck with them for nine months. Even if you end up wanting out. So please, Very Serious letter writer, consider leaving your choices open. And hit me up if you want to talk :)
I’m the exasperated friend
Reading the actual advice, I would normally strongly urge the girl to take it. But I also know I would have had a hard time taking advice from somebody who kept referring to me as “darling”–it comes off as quite pandering right from the get go. Which is a shame because she’s reached out for help and guidance and the content of the advice is super sound.
I never would have guessed that I would be where I am today at the age of 26 when I was 17. *looks over at girlfriend sleeping beside me in bed and a bedroom covered in geography textbooks for my second attempt at a degree I’m interested in*
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https://www.blog.typingspeedtestonline.com/
Sinkoth :-)