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Q:
It seems like everyone’s breaking up in 2018, including me and my girlfriend who I thought was The One. Things were so easy with her, they just felt right, and then one day she was in love with our mutual best friend. It’s not just people I know, it’s people I’ve always looked up to in the community and considered “experts” like some of my favorite writers and speakers! How am I supposed to figure out who The One is if even professional queers can’t do it?? Should I even keep trying? What if love is really a lie after all?!
A:
Ah, friend. I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough year, both with your personal romantic relationship and with watching people you care about go through the same pain. I want you to know you’re not alone. Lots of people in my own life are spiraling with the same kinds of questions for these same reasons. I think I might be able to help a little. First, let me burst two of your bubbles — in, I hope, a good way!
Bubble the first: The professional queers you’re talking about, the ones you look up to and love and respect, they’re not any more qualified to have a successful relationship than you are! They don’t have a pocket full of secret tips to make relationships work! They don’t have hidden wisdom unearthed from a fountain of knowledge in the Professional Queers Only thicket of the Forbidden Forest! There’s not even a Professional Queers Only thicket; I made that up! I’m saying this as a professional queer writing an advice column right this very second. These queeros of yours, I bet they are wonderful people who possess loads of knowledge about loads of things, and the fact that they’ve touched your life in a positive way is a beautiful thing, but really, every human being on this planet is just out here winging it. We’re all just doing the best we can navigating the hard and cold and dark places in this world with the resources and information available to us at any given moment. That’s me and that’s you and that’s everyone else we know.
Bubble the second: There’s no such thing as The One. Remember in Mad Men when Don Draper says, “What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons”? Well, that’s not exactly true, but there’s a searing kernel of truth in there. So many movies and books and TV shows and commercials and songs and poems tell the tale that there’s one single person in the world who’s gonna fill up our hearts with joy and when we find them — snap! — life’s a breeze. There’s a kind of comfort in that, maybe, but it’s just not true. Every day we make a zillion small choices that change the shape of ourselves and the course of our lives in a zillion small ways, and every other person is out here doing the same thing. How cruel that the universe or some deity contained within it would make a single match for us, give us both free will, and then sit back in apathy while we go about our lives hoping to make the one correct series of choices that will allow us to brush up against one exact person who has also made one correct series of choices, in a sea of seven billion people making eleventy kazillion choices. The odds that anyone would find their One are nearly impossible!
And believing in The One can actually do way more harm than good to us and to our relationships. It can cause existential crises when things inevitably get hard with our person: “Well, maybe they’re not The One. If they were The One, this would be much easier.” It can make us call our relationships into question if we have a connection with a different person than our person: “There’s no way I could have a feeling for someone else if my current person was The One. Maybe the person giving me the new feeling is The One.” It can cause us to believe there’s one single person in the world who can (and should) meet all of our sexual, social, emotional, intellectual, and pragmatic needs — and without conflict or compromise. It can cause us to believe that being happy together just happens. After all, we were made for each other.
That may sound discouraging, but let me flip that iceberg over and would you looky what we have here? Half of every iceberg is underwater and the other side of The One iceberg is the Love Is a Lie iceberg! It’s the same iceberg!
The idea of The One is that we cannot build a happy, healthy, soul-sustaining life with anyone who’s not The One. It’s out of our control. The idea of Love Is a Lie is that no one can build a happy, healthy, soul-sustaining life with anyone. It’s out of our control. Both of these ideas are bananas! They take the responsibility of our own happiness off of us and place it onto someone else or on the universe at large!
Relationships are choosing to do hard work. Not once, but always. It’s unpacking the way your lifetime of experiences has informed your behavior and how that behavior rubs up against your partner in good and bad ways. It’s figuring out when and how to put another person’s needs and desires before yours, and figuring out how to accept the grace of another person doing that for you. It’s not getting what you want sometimes. It’s not getting what you need sometimes. It’s making yourself trustworthy and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to trust in return. It’s respecting your partner enough to constantly take extra care with your words and your actions. It’s tough but gentle honesty with them and with yourself. It’s especially apologies and it’s especially forgiveness. There is absolutely no way two human beings with their own insecurities and longings and pain and hopes and fears and ambitions can join their lives together without an enormous amount of friction. And there’s no way to ease that friction without a constant commitment — from both people — to work and to work and to work.
There’s a stage of love, real love, that’s endless sex and laughter and ducking into corners to kiss and kiss because you can’t keep your hands and eyes off each other; expensive dinners and all-night conversations and feeling oh so completely seen and understood; passion and promises and you are perfect in their eyes and they are perfect in yours. That’s the kind of love our culture celebrates in movies and on TV and it has its place.
And there’s an evolution where, yes, there’s passion and, yes, there’s fancy dinners; but no one’s perfect anymore. It’s reading silently in bed together and reaching out to touch their hair, and no one’s thinking about sex. It’s sharing a secret, knowing glance in the presence of their boss or their mom. It’s watching TV in your pajamas for hours and rehashing every detail of your favorite characters’ arcs while the pizza is on the way. It’s putting their coffee cup in the dishwasher. It’s buying toothpaste. It’s renewing the renter’s insurance. It’s picking out a graduation card at the bookstore and pre-stamping it so they’ll remember to send it. It’s standing in line at the pharmacy to pick up their prescription. It’s their books with your books on the bookshelf together for so long you don’t remember what belongs to who anymore. It’s putting their coffee cup in the dishwasher, again. You’ve wounded and been wounded by each other, you’ve seen and experienced each other’s biggest flaws and most damning weaknesses. And yet, with this person — your person! — you are without shame and completely accepted.
I’m only telling you what I know from my own life. The life of a person totally unqualified and unprepared for lifelong love.
I grew up with an abusive mother in a rural town in a repressive Southern Baptist church in one of the most homophobic counties in the country. I didn’t come out until I was in my very late 20s and I didn’t have a relationship with another woman until I was almost 30. I have ADHD, sensory processing disorder, generalized anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder. Lack of experience? Check. Emotional baggage? Check. And when I met my partner, Stacy, oh, she had her scars too. There’s seven years between us and we lived thousands of miles apart. My trauma and her trauma interacted with each other in the most painful, toxic ways. I fell in love with her and the alchemy of our connection was rare and I knew it — but every odd was stacked against us. We really fit together in the ways we fit together, but boi it was fire and a whole lot of crying in the ways we didn’t. So we made a choice, together. I worked on me. And she worked on her. And we worked on us. And worked and worked; and work and work; and will work and will work.
It’s scary to know we can do the work and still not find contentment with the person we’ve chosen. It’s scary to know we can do the work and be devoted to continuing to do it and have the other person decide they don’t want to do it with us anymore. But neither of those things mean love, itself, is a lie; or that you just weren’t doing the work with the one single person the universe chose for you. Even when we do the hard work, relationships don’t always last forever. And relationships don’t have to last forever for the love inside them to be very, very real.
But they can last. And when they do, it’s often worth the pain that came before.
I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I’m sorry you’ve watched the people you care about get hurt, too. Experiencing that sorrow and confusion and empathy against the backdrop of our current political reality has got to be damn demoralizing. It’s a hard time to have hope, I know. It’s a hard time to believe in love. But it’s a real thing, sweet friend. Don’t give up on it.
Damnit Heather, I’m crying over your writing yet again!
This was so good and beautiful and hopeful, and I think it’s just what those of us (myself included) who’ve endured personal tragedy in the midst of all of the political tragedy in the last few years needed to help us get through it. I hope it helps the question-asked as well.
Thank you for posting this Heather am crying to! ? Resonates so much for me life is tough even tougher if the object of your affection does not feel the same and is still in love with there ex! But life is a learning curve gratitude for posting much love xcarolx
Wow, I’ve been reading autostraddle for years and have so many times been moved by the amazing writing and vulnerability that is here on the regular. But this is the first time I’ve been moved to comment. This.is.exactly.what.I.needed.to.hear. Thank you thank you so much for being authentic and honest. It makes such a huge difference in the world.
This ?
Heather, this is amazing and beautiful. Thanks for writing this <3
HOW ARE YOU CUTTING ONIONS IN MY APARTMENT FROM SO FAR AWAY
My heart is feeling very tender and sad lately-I very much needed to read this, I’m crying, thank you.
Heather, this is so incredibly good. I’ve added it to a folder of bookmarks called “Help” and tagged it as “WISE BEAUTIFUL LOVE ADVICE.”
And, this is weird, but I appreciated it even more because right after I read it I watched a horrible clip of Jordan Peterson doing a smarky (smarmy+snarky) standup type talk about why enforced monogamy is necessary, socially, because the only way you can ever be honest with anyone is if you’re both “shackled together” for life!
I love that I had literally just finished reading your infinitely saner take on roughly the same question of how we cope with human flaws and difficulties within relationships. Your warmth, maturity, courageous vulnerability and generosity of spirit shine so extremely bright when set against his deadeyed misogynist reactionary bullshit.
May I also add that sometimes because love is not a lie we break up with someone. Not because we don’t love them, but because we do. We love them and ourselves enough to let go if that allows us to grow.
Love is growth and expansion, fear is contraction. Being willing to be honest about which we are acting from affords us the potential of deeper relationships, beginning with love for and from ourselves.
Never responded to anything on Autostraddle before, but this comment was everything (and very very true). Thank you.
<3 <3 <3
You know, I did need to read this.
Amazing Snaelle. This is pretty much my situation. Letting go of a long-term partner, not my decision but, well it just made sense to let go. It hurt like heck, and reading Heather’s words made me cry so hard for what we had, but I can’t deny how much good has come of our breakup.
Wow, Heather. You’ve done it again. This was all so real and true and I’m just… Thank you.
a friend of mine once said he hated the idea of unconditional love because love should be full of a million small choices. i think i lump that in with a piece of career advice gary shandling gave- “opportunities can come too early, but they can never come too late.”
i hope you find all the love you could ever want and then some, Q.
(thanks for being heather hogan, heather hogan. i hope you feel the magnitude of how absolutely adored you are by all us ‘straddlers.)
Heather Hogan, you make the world a better place
Heather do you have a quotient to fill of making me cry at least once a week?
On a more serious note – I’m 20 and only just beginning to date and think about love properly, and I am so so grateful that I get to read this now
Is there any possibility that I’ll be as grown up and wise as Heather Hogan one day?
Ugh Heather this was so beautiful and makes me want to go back and re-read your piece from around the election “We’ll Have Sex Again, I Promise” -my favorite piece of writing on Autostraddle ever. Thank you for this and that and everything
Heather you’re the best proof that Hufflepuff house is the best house
<3
we’ve been Hufflepuff’d
This is incredibly beautiful, thank you.
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed to read at this moment.
As a lifelong loner who’s first relationship didn’t work out, and no others have come along, this is kind of disheartening to read. I’ve heard it from other people in long term relationships. (Although I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way.) I’m a hopeless romantic, and…I don’t think I fit in a world where the fire burns out and settles into embers. Settling into complacency and domesticity has always been my biggest fear. I think…I would rather be alone if that’s where I’m going to end up.
So I’ve been camping, and staying off of my phone, but each night cuddled into my tent I’ve picked the phone up and gone to AS and read one single article. Last night it was Laneia’s shirt one, and tonight it was this, and both of them were so perfect in their distinct ways, and I’m so glad that each of you write these words into the universe, and that we get to read them! Thanks, always. ?
Heather you have always been my favorite. This is straightforward and honest and actually didn’t make me cry but that’s a good thing right now. Sure I sighed a lot but mostly just read and agreed with and cheered your words that so eloquently apply to the many paths we can choose to take. But then at the end you used to words “sweet friend” which are words I heard today in a very important context and as out of the media loop as I have been of late I knew I was meant to read this. Thank you.
I feel personally attacked (in a good way) by this article. It is so perfect and so necessary to me right now. I’m not even a week post-break up with The (first) One, my first girlfriend. Here’s hoping I can make it through to the next one
This is so good. Once again, thank you Heather Hogan for making wonderful patterns of words that are beautiful and resonant and so full of care.
HEATHER thank you for writing this. You are a magical creature that fills up my soul. I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary and I love love love this celebration of the little things. Thank you. <3
This is perfect.
I feel called out.
This is absolutely what I needed to hear right now. Thank you for your wonderful writing and for hitting me right in the feels. And making me feel like I am okay.
“Half of every iceberg is underwater and the other side of The One iceberg is the Love Is a Lie iceberg! It’s the same iceberg!”
This feels like a profound truth.
This is sweet, and comforting, and useful…so why does it make me want to cry??
Everything you write is perfect and somehow always timely Heather <3
This is a wonderful piece… And, I am always awed by your writing Heather.
I have this thought that at least some of the difficulty with relationships and love is not just the focus on “the one” as in that one person who might fit you as in that old Greek fable, but also “the one” in that the one relationship that will fill all your needs; and “the one” love that is above all other types of love and is the only type of love you need.
It may happen at times. But, I believe most of the time we are sustained by a network of loves and a network of relationships. For those who are lucky at birth (or through adoption), they may be our families–both immediate and extended; but, they are also our friends… and possibly, to a lesser extent but important, our colleagues, neighbours, and community members… and so on in ever widening concentric circles.
These relationships are important to our sustenance although their impact might vary depending up on the circumstances and the time in our lives; or to the type of person we are.
They form an essential part of our life and our emotional well being and given the chance and the effort can form the tiny webs or pillars that can hold up the whole.
These relationships: with our siblings, cousins, kids (family), friends.. is also love. As such, why should just a single relationship bear all the weight?
A distributed weight network can in my opinion be more durable and sustainable. :) And can hold us up if letting go of one or the other in that constellation of stars around us is the only option at that point in time.
Our heart is (or can be) made of pieces of stars and there needn’t be just the one that gives the light.
And.. no matter in which form it appears.. Love is to be celebrated.. and to be grateful for. :)
Yes!
This is as beautiful, deep and true as the night sky. Thank you.
I love this so very much! Thank you, Heather!
Thanks you Heather. I needed to hear this right now, especially about the part about bringing in emotional baggage into a relationship. I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety this past week about my relationship and it feels so out of my control sometimes that I think it may never end. We’ve pushed ourselves to the brink of breaking up (although we are moving to different countries in a matter of weeks, so we never planned to keep going anyway) and I don’t want to be afraid if this is the outcome that needs to be.
Just popped in to reread this, and it’s as wonderful and important and gentle and difficult and true as I remembered!
Possibly going to reread this about once every 6 months for the rest of my whole life!
I needed to re-read this one today. And save it to re-read in the future.