The internet news world is a cold, dark place. It’s like walking through a never-ending haunted house where you know a story is going to pop up out of the blue and scare you out of your wits. Or anger you out of your wits. Or depress you out of your wits. You try to take articles with a grain of salt but at the end of the day you’re still perturbed and just want to hold your knees while rocking in a ball. As many great news stories there are about gay marriage progress, people coming out and shit-tons of kittens, there are an equal number that make you want to turn off your internet and never restart again.
I was minding my own business perusing the interwebs and BAM. NOM’s new ad comes up.
Oh sweet, they managed to stop using a green screen! They creator knows how to design? Maybe they’ll be less idiotic this time?
But what about equality? The law ALREADY treats everyone equally. EVERY CITIZEN can marry someone of the opposite sex.
Isn’t this discrimination against homosexuals? No. This discriminates against BEHAVIORS, not people.
But what about tolerance? Yes. Same-sex advocates need to be more tolerant.
I actually had to stop for Emergency Cuddles to make it through the rest of the video. Even though I am as cynical as they come when it comes to watching hate rhetoric, I get overwhelmed as well. No matter how much you prep yourself to laugh at all of the vitriol and lies, halfway you’ll find yourself slack-jawed and trembling. “Fuck, I belong to the same gene pool that believes and propagates this?”
Luckily I learned about the vid on the New Civil Rights Movement where they watermarked their screenshots with This Is A Lie. The watermarks are a great way to remember that everything NOM produces is full of shit. Keep in mind that there too many stupid, condescending, homophobic, women-hating, kitten-stomping opinions out there to make Photoshopped absurdity warnings practical. Thankfully technology swoops in to save the day and shelter your eyes when you’re on the verge of unplugging your wifi once and for all.
Malarkify
If you don’t have enough time to Photoshop all of your articles with a giant This is A Lie before you send them off to your friends, you could Malarkify them instead! Let Biden accompany you through the interwebs as he’s equally offended by each ridiculous viewpoint. Copy. Click. Link
Ann Coulter wants people to disown their gay children? Lindsay Lohan supports Romney? Bryan Fischer opens his mouth?
Bam! Malarkified!
In My Words
If you’re a Chrome user that gets irked whenever you open your news feed, why not censor the pages before you read them? With In My Words, you can replace all of your triggers and with proper descriptions! That way you can still read the news but keep a clear head about how truly ridiculous the hate speech is.
Traditional marriage? Religious Zealot Man-Lady White Dress Fun Times.
Mitt Romney? Mittsy.
Family Research Council? Bigoted Assholes with Too Much Money.
Rush Limbaugh? Glorified Sexist DJ.
Keep in mind that the search functions are case sensitive, so you’ll need to enter them a few times to catch all of the names. Which really isn’t that bad since you’ll get to call FOX News both Bigoted Windbags and A Quote-Unquote News Agency.
Cornify
If the world is still too homophobic for you, just go old school and Cornify the hate away.
Nothing makes the world slightly more gay friendly than a fuckload of glittering unicorns.
