The internet news world is a cold, dark place. It’s like walking through a never-ending haunted house where you know a story is going to pop up out of the blue and scare you out of your wits. Or anger you out of your wits. Or depress you out of your wits. You try to take articles with a grain of salt but at the end of the day you’re still perturbed and just want to hold your knees while rocking in a ball. As many great news stories there are about gay marriage progress, people coming out and shit-tons of kittens, there are an equal number that make you want to turn off your internet and never restart again.
I was minding my own business perusing the interwebs and BAM. NOM’s new ad comes up.
Oh sweet, they managed to stop using a green screen! They creator knows how to design? Maybe they’ll be less idiotic this time?
But what about equality? The law ALREADY treats everyone equally. EVERY CITIZEN can marry someone of the opposite sex.
Isn’t this discrimination against homosexuals? No. This discriminates against BEHAVIORS, not people.
But what about tolerance? Yes. Same-sex advocates need to be more tolerant.
I actually had to stop for Emergency Cuddles to make it through the rest of the video. Even though I am as cynical as they come when it comes to watching hate rhetoric, I get overwhelmed as well. No matter how much you prep yourself to laugh at all of the vitriol and lies, halfway you’ll find yourself slack-jawed and trembling. “Fuck, I belong to the same gene pool that believes and propagates this?”
Luckily I learned about the vid on the New Civil Rights Movement where they watermarked their screenshots with This Is A Lie. The watermarks are a great way to remember that everything NOM produces is full of shit. Keep in mind that there too many stupid, condescending, homophobic, women-hating, kitten-stomping opinions out there to make Photoshopped absurdity warnings practical. Thankfully technology swoops in to save the day and shelter your eyes when you’re on the verge of unplugging your wifi once and for all.
Malarkify
If you don’t have enough time to Photoshop all of your articles with a giant This is A Lie before you send them off to your friends, you could Malarkify them instead! Let Biden accompany you through the interwebs as he’s equally offended by each ridiculous viewpoint. Copy. Click. Link
Ann Coulter wants people to disown their gay children? Lindsay Lohan supports Romney? Bryan Fischer opens his mouth?
Biden doesn’t understand you either Lindsay!
Bam! Malarkified!
In My Words
If you’re a Chrome user that gets irked whenever you open your news feed, why not censor the pages before you read them? With In My Words, you can replace all of your triggers and with proper descriptions! That way you can still read the news but keep a clear head about how truly ridiculous the hate speech is.
Traditional marriage? Religious Zealot Man-Lady White Dress Fun Times.
Mitt Romney? Mittsy.
Family Research Council? Bigoted Assholes with Too Much Money.
Rush Limbaugh? Glorified Sexist DJ.
Slightly more readable.
Keep in mind that the search functions are case sensitive, so you’ll need to enter them a few times to catch all of the names. Which really isn’t that bad since you’ll get to call FOX News both Bigoted Windbags and A Quote-Unquote News Agency.
Cornify
If the world is still too homophobic for you, just go old school and Cornify the hate away.
I think I finally can comprehend Limbaugh’s blog.
Nothing makes the world slightly more gay friendly than a fuckload of glittering unicorns.
I LOVE THIS AND YOU THANK YOU
lol
My favorite part of the NOM video was how, in tiny little text, they support their argument by saying: “How often do married men roam the street in gangs?”
Great argument, NOM. I’m going to go suggest ‘natural marriage’ as a strategy to decrease gang violence in Chicago.
I’m anticipating a meme backlash with roving gangs of queer men because they CAN’T get married.
That advert was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen, I had to try and stop myself from shouting at my computer
And this is why I don’t understand how Republicans have perpetuated this myth that Joe Biden is stupid.
Or really, how anyone thinks Joe Biden isn’t the greatest ever.
So with cornify, I can essentially cover everything in Lisa Frank stickers? Sold!
I still have a couple Lisa Frank coloring books starring “crissy” the understanding but sassy pussycat. Love it
lol “to protect women and civilize men”
ANGRY CRYING AT WORK urrrrgh :[
cutest avatar ever.
I like how they got a British woman to do the voiceover to distract from the stupidity and bigotry of what she was saying. We should probably question her judgment though, seeing as she is a product of the crumbling society has allowed civil partnerships since 2004.
I’m looking forward to a parody video a la “Gaythering Storm”. And using In My Words – that’s brilliant!
I found that interesting as well.
I’m British and she sounds more South African to me… it’s only subtle but that’s definitely not what one would call ‘Queen’s English’.
Sorry, I’m notoriously bad at recognizing accents despite having dated a British girl myself for two years!
Still, South Africa is another country with gay marriage…and I think the desired effect of her accent is similar as well.
what the fuck, NOM?
Although I probably shouldn’t be surprised at the stupidity anymore.
But still.
What the fuck, NOM?
How is that NOM advert not a parody? I nearly pissed myself with laughter.
All of these make me feel better about the Internet. The links you posted, Kristen, not the ANGRY WEATHERMEN ads.
GUYS NOW EVERYWHERE I GO IT SAYS “WRONGNEY” INSTEAD OF “ROMNEY” AND SUDDENLY THE FOX NEWS WEBSITE IS BEARABLE
I just cracked up for 30 seconds. I am so doing this.
I love how in that video their image of wedding bands features a big ring on top of a small ring.
It’s like they’re so homophobic they can use sexism for decoration.
My favorite part of the “marriage = biology (not bigotry)” ad is the complete lack of biology. They don’t even pull out the bad-science stuff.
That ad would be logical if it weren’t for facts. Also I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not “natural” is a more ridiculous concept than “traditional”, they seem to be pretty much equivalent.
“Your freedom of speech is gagged.”
I’ll admit, I chuckled at the use of “gagged” here. Then *I* gagged on NOM’s argument that the rights of their heterosexual, “natural marriage” advocates are the ones really at stake here.
I’m so glad that my tax dollars are going towards promotion of homosexuality – let’s just hope all those rich Republicans at NOM have to pay MORE taxes after the election… I see big unicorn parties with kittens and sparkles coming!