Q 21:
I just started a relationship with a girl who I am head over heels for. The only thing is it’s bringing up a lot of emotions. Like a lot. Sometimes I have to step away from my desk and cry. Other times I start smiling uncontrollably for no specific reason. She has the ability to lift me up and to bring me down. To make me feel invincible and then to make me feel like a failure. I know it’s not her who’s doing this…it’s how much I’m letting her affect me. I struggle to accept that she actually likes me, since we have very different ways of communicating affection (hello Love Languages). She says she wants me to be open with her, but I fear that bringing up my low confidence in certain areas will tear her away from me. How can I learn to believe her? How can I work on practicing honesty when I feel like there’s a lot at stake? How can I support her while also supporting myself? Does everything that starts in chaos really end in chaos?
A 21:
This is what being in a relationship is! There’s always a lot at stake and it’s never easy to believe that someone could actually really like you as much as they say they do, and it’s always a weird balance of supporting her while supporting yourself. It’s wild! If you don’t trust her and you can’t be open with her about things, this will super duper not work out.
I’m not sure what you mean about chaos because I don’t see any external chaos in your letter, but yes that is a true statement about starting in chaos and ending in chaos.
Q 22:
I’m in my late 20s and have never been in a relationship. I’ve been out for over a decade, but for reasons my therapist and I have discussed at length, nothing’s ever worked out romantically. Many of my friends (queer & straight) are getting married and having kids, and I’m realizing how much I want that. I think monogamy is super sexy, and I would love to move to the suburbs with a wife and white picket fence. I’m in a good place in my career, and while I’m not ready to have kids this minute, I want to meet someone and get the ball rolling in my adult relationship/family life. I’m finding it hard to meet people who are willing to date someone inexperienced, especially for something serious. I realize I’m U-Hauling in my head…but I feel like with every day, more queer monogamous ladies are becoming unavailable, and I’m going to end up alone. I have an amazing soul and passion and love and life, and I want to share it with someone, and then create small someones. What do I do?
A 22:
Be patient and keep your eyes peeled but also make sure you’re doing all the other things you want to do with your life! I always tell y’all that the person comes when you’re doing literally anything besides looking for them, but that should come with the caveat that you do have to put yourself out there somehow or another. Go on dates and meet new people and meet their friends and meet their friend’s friends and have fun and be a good person.
I’ve never heard anyone describe monogamy as super sexy and I just want to take a moment to appreciate this stance because, without fully realizing it until now, it’s also my stance? Anyway this is neither her nor there but thank you for this phrase!
Q 23:
Basically my girlfriend wanted to break up with me and I asked her if we could talk about it and try to work on some things that were bothering her and she agreed. She gave me a list of several things she wanted me to change about myself. These weren’t things that I was doing “to her” but things that she didn’t like about me. I’m not really sure how to feel about the situation. I really love her, and I will try anything. But am I selling myself short in some way by agreeing to change who I am? Or is this just part of the compromise and work that goes into a relationship? Help!
A 23:
I see where you’re coming from here. Ask her to please take the list back and explain briefly how each item has a negative affect on her life and wellbeing, so you can kind of gauge how valid each thing is with regard to your personhood vs her needs. Does that make sense? My cat is climbing the curtains and I’m struggling to put this into words! I’m also getting stuck on wanting to say that when someone wants to break up with you, usually you should let them. I know that’s a fucking terrible thing to say but I really feel that it’s true!
I think you should trust your instincts as you go down the list and if something is standing out as The Way You Are and not something you should or could change, be honest about that. You can’t change yourself for other people — any positive changing has to be done for yourself! Otherwise it doesn’t stick and everyone gets fucked over, mostly you.
Q 24:
I have a crush on this girl and I recently asked her out. She told me she thought I was great and she found me attractive, but she felt that she had a whole lot of personal shit to work through that she needed to prioritize. Now, some people would say this as a “kind” let-down, but in her case I think it’s legit. I’d like to stay friends with her, and am working on letting go of the crush-feelings.
We’re both big fans of a particular TV show featuring a well-loved lesbian couple, and I’m the only person in her friend group who watches the show, hence I’m the one she fangirls with. She has a mega crush one of the queer characters/the actor herself, and every time we talk about the show she gushes about how cute/hot/perfect this celebrity is (“I never thought of someone as breathtaking until I saw Waverly” is an actual quote). It was understandable the first couple of times (I’ve gotten super excited to find out that someone shares the same taste in underappreciated shows), but is starting to wear thin. I own that it bothers me more coming from her than coming from someone I have absolutely no romantic interest in, because it triggers my insecurities about my own attractiveness (added context: I’m Asian and rarely see myself reflected in media), but is it unreasonable for me to think that it would be nice to not have to hear how hot this actor is every single time we talk about the show? Because it’s definitely got lots going for it besides that. Or maybe better question is: what kind of work can I do within myself so that I can keep sharing my appreciation of this show with her and not have her intense adoration for this character/actor affect me?
A 24:
I think contextualizing her intensity might be helpful, so let’s give it a go. It reminds me of the discussion around preteen girls and their obsession with boy bands and other celebrity boys, and I tried finding this one really great essay about it but it looks like the author took it down, but here’s an excerpt from another piece about the same topic on Salon:
A crush on a boy-band star allows a teenage girl to “develop her sexuality in a safe environment she can control.” It’s love without being felt up by a boy when she’s not sure she wants to be, or being pressured to text him naked pictures of herself, which might later be used to humiliate her. Celebrity crushes are a form of what social scientists, since the rise of television, have called “parasocial interaction”: one-sided intimacy, at a distance, with someone famous. However compelling the fantasy, there’s no significant obligation or responsibility.
With this in mind, we can look at some other things we know about her — has a lot of shit she needs to work through — and it makes a little bit more sense that this is how she’s expressing her sexual feelings right now. When I first came out and was actually coming to terms with what that would mean (aka I had no idea what it would mean), I 100% hitched my wagon to Kate Moennig. I read everything I could about her, saved pictures of her on my computer, watched and rewatched her as Shane on The L Word, imagined full conversations and storylines between us where I confessed this or that feeling and she VERY TENDERLY told me that everything would be ok, etc. Admitting this here is only kind of embarrassing because I was a 26 year-old woman at the time, but listen, it was a super safe way for me to interact with these new feelings without it harpooning my entire real life.
Maybe that’s what your friend is doing, to a degree. I understand how this feels like even more of a rejection when you look nothing like the actor she’s fawning over, and I’m sorry. I think you just have to keep reminding yourself that she’s purposely (though subconsciously) chosen to pin her affections onto someone she will literally never, ever actually date.
Q 25:
So basically I have this friend. We talk almost every day, have a lot in common and work in the same general field. There was one point earlier last year when we decided to be more than friends and explore a more physical, no strings attached relationship but it never panned out because we were both super busy and the time we did spend together was among friends/working and we mutually decided it wasn’t working. I was super okay with this agreement for awhile, but recently things have started to feel different again. It’s strange because we can spend tons of time together and I have zero feelings for her, but then we will get super touchy and everything comes back and I just WANT and I think she feels the same way but we are both afraid to act on it? We are both generally rational people so when we talk it out we don’t really consider our feelings, and I know neither of us want a solid relationship, but I feel like we are caught in the middle somewhere. I’m so tired of making the first move with people and I don’t want to mistake friendship for something else and ruin what we have, but I know that we should probably work something out so that we aren’t stuck in this weird limbo.
Also I know she totally reads Autostraddle religiously so this might be dangerous but whatever it’s fine!!!
A 25:
My advice is to make the first move, but keep it tiny and plausibly deniable. What does that look like? I have no idea but I think you do. If she responds positively — even if it’s just the tiniest blip on the radar of Does She Want This — take the next step, which I think, in your case, will be rationally discussing that you’d like to pick up where you left off, maybe with a more specific intentionality, etc. If the tables were turned, you’d probably hope that she’d just fucking bring it up to you! Right? So just do that. Be the person bringing it the fuck up you want to see in this world.
And if you’re reading this, friend of the person, why not just make the first move, even if it means letting her know that you don’t want to pick up where you left off!
Fun!
Q 26:
Hello! I’m 22 years old, came out two years ago, and still haven’t had any semblance of a relationship (think haven’t even kissed another girl…). I’ve gone on tinder/bumble dates, but haven’t really had much success, and am starting to feel like my gayness is not valid, even though logically I know that is not at all how it works. How do I stop feeling invalidated and “not gay enough”??
A 26:
This is all on you and it’s all on the inside and it’s not always easy but wow, please know that you are SUPER FUCKING GAY. I didn’t kiss another girl until I was 23 and it was my best friend and I didn’t kiss another girl for like four years?? And I was so gay! I also had two children with a man and I’m STILL GAY. We are gay, you and I, and we are very, very good at it.
Q 27:
I feel like you must get a thousand shades of this type of question basically all the time, but I had some things I needed to express so here we go! I’m 25, living independently, working and going to grad school and generally very happy with my life. BUT I’ve never had a girlfriend (or dated or kissed or anything siigh) and that’s starting to feel shitty. I put a very high value on my space and my alone time (and just, like, my SELF, frankly), but I feel like I’m starting to really crave intimacy and romantic-style closeness. I’m just, uh, super freaked by emotional vulnerability and generally clueless about dating.
Adding to this feeling, my best friend just got into her first capital-r Relationship, and she’s known the guy for three months and is already planning to move in with him (which is its own whole Other Thing, because that sounds ridiculous to me but I’m trying to be supportive) but it’s making me feel sort of left behind? Like everyone else has jumped off the high dive and I’m still standing up here in my water wings.
None of that is a question. I guess my question is this: how the hell do you do this? How do I give up the safe and happy bubble of my solo life to let someone else in? I see these interesting ladies on OKC but the thought of actually talking to them is utterly terrifying. I have no idea what to say?? How do I jump in the deep end when I have no idea how to swim?
Thank you guys for all the advice, wisdom, and commiseration you’ve doled out over the years. You are truly doing the lord’s work.
A 27:
You just do! UGH IT’S TERRIFYING AND WEIRD ALL THE TIME! Every morning you wake up like “yeah ok I guess I’m just going to be myself in front of this person and like ask for help when I need it and fucking hope for the best????!” and it’s NUTS and we just keep fucking doing it BECAUSE and this is truly the only reason, it gives us the chance to be the person that someone else lets in, and that is really fucking beautiful.
The secret is that no one knows how to swim and for some crazy reason we jumped anyway. And sometimes you do totally drown or hit your head on a rock and sometimes you frolic around like some dumb sea lion and it’s all insane, all of it all the time. No one knows what to say!!
I’ve talked about this before but I only have so many stories so I’ll regale you once again: I wanted to be a cheerleader in middle school but I never tried out because I didn’t want to admit that I wanted something that I might not get, and I especially didn’t want other people to know what I wanted. Dating is like that. It’s admitting that you want to be a cheerleader or the mayor or a gold medalist. It’s embarrassing! Do it anyway.
Q 28:
I’m sure you get a ton of questions like this, sorry in advance. I currently live in a very conservative city in the south that isn’t very gay friendly. There are no lesbian bars/clubs or even a group/meetup to join. I’ve been trying online dating and the only women who ever seem to be interested in me live in another country, The Philippines and South Korea to be exact. I am 32 and spent most of my life in the closet. I know zero gay people. I know that moving is probably my only option but I’m unable to do that right now. Any tips on how to meet someone?
A 28:
Can you come to A-Camp? Or actually, can you afford to leave your city and go to another place where something supremely gay is happening, like Pride or Dinah Shore, and be there and out and gay as all heck for a brief period of time? Because that kind of situation is ILLUMINATING. It’s life-changing. Going from the closet in your tiny town to a world where everyone is openly queer will change your life. Pride season is coming up — look into it and find the biggest, most diverse Pride situation within reasonable driving or flying distance and go there. See if there’s an Autostraddle meetup happening around it, and if not, START ONE. (Vanessa’s in the process of writing a very specific, action-oriented how-to for planning meetups that will publish in May.) I’m not saying you’re going to find love or even have the time of your life at any of these places, but it will change something in you to be around that many queer people at once.
It’ll also make moving easier, which is something you’ll probably need to do in the next couple of years.
Q 29:
I found out yesterday that my terrifyingly manipulative, emotionally abusive ex lives literally down the road from me. I’ve hardly left my bed since. It feels so wretchedly unfair that in such a large city as this we’re literally in the same postcode. I’ve run into her before and each time has sent me into a weeks-long spiral of fear and depression. The knowledge that it’s not only possible but extremely likely that I could run into her any time I leave my house is frankly paralysing me. It feels like she’s in control of my life again. I’ve contemplated moving but that makes me feel like she’s taken two homes away from me instead of one – additionally, I’m tied into a lease until the end of August, and my platonic wife/co-parent to our two cats is not at all keen to move for reasons of her own. How do I survive? How do I step out my front door without literally dying of panic? Mental health services in the UK are literally in tatters, so counselling/therapy isn’t really an option.
A 29:
An Autostraddle editor was in a similar situation and has lived to tell about it! In fact, she told me about it, because I asked, for you. Here’s what she said:
First, think of the likelihood of running into any given person who lives on your street as “possible,” but not “extremely likely.” With the exception of life circumstances to put you on overlapping schedules — like walking the dogs it doesn’t sound like you have on similar routes at similar times, having to go to work at the same time from the same transit stops, or having the same coffee shop habit — it’s surprisingly hard to run into people you want to see, let alone people you don’t. (If life schedules do put you on overlapping schedules, investigate changing them.) I live exactly one block away from a (dear, former) friend, and have run into her accidentally exactly once in almost ten months of proximity and despite really hoping to see her. I also live six blocks from an ex into whom I absolutely do not wish to run accidentally, and have never once run into her, either near our homes or in our neighbourhood. The presence can be nearly crushing, but take a deep breath. You are you, and you have your own space, and she has no right to take it from you.
Second, if counselling isn’t an option, research strategies for panic attacks and distress tolerance, and try out a few. Maybe that means deep breathing or maybe it means getting too tired from exercise to be anxious or maybe it means holding ice cubes in your hands the first few times you go out, but practice ways to reduce the feelings of panic and take care of your mental state.
Finally: Just because you felt something in the past doesn’t mean you’ll feel it now. Just because someone is an ex doesn’t mean you owe her your emotional bandwidth or even a head nod if you don’t want her to have it. Just because someone once controlled your life in a certain way doesn’t mean that running into each other on the street will give her the power to instantly do so again. Practice ways to feel centered in your own life as it is now. Feel your feet in your own shoes on your own floor that she hasn’t seen and never will. Remember that you have the right to your own boundaries, and that if you see her, you don’t have to engage with her or do anything you don’t want to do. You can do this.
Q 30:
Long story short – I’m a typical workaholic Capricorn gay-leaning bisexual who met my Cancer boyfriend fresh into university, we’ve now been together for nearly 6 years and still live separately with our respective parents, the lack of progression has been addressed my me on multiple occasions, and him a) feeling like a project and b) being a man is becoming an issue for me. I really really love him and he is my best friend, we’ve been together through some awful things I’ve been through and he has supported me, but he has no excuse for why we don’t even live together and I really pushed myself out of my comfort zone in the first place to see where being with him would go – my overwhelming preference being for girls. He’s my only significant relationship so far in life (I’m 24) so I have no clue when to call it quits, especially when I still love him. I just really resent the way my life looks right now. HELP.
A 30:
Oh this is easy! You call it quits now. When being with someone feels like a project or more of an obligation than a desire, it’s over. This is over. You can still love him and deeply appreciate all the good things he’s done for you! But that doesn’t mean you should be in a relationship with him. It’s time to break up! It’s going to be unfun, but so many things are, when you think about it. You can also bill me for the nachos. GODSPEED.
Y’All Need Help is a biweekly advice column in which I pluck out a couple of questions from the You Need Help inbox and answer them right here, round-up style, quick and dirty! (Except sometimes it’s not quick, but that’s my prerogative, OK?) You can chime in with your own advice in the comments and submit your own quick and dirty questions any time.
