Previously on Wynonna Earp, Wynonna slept with Amon the demon bartender, Rachel released Billy the Reaper from the basement, Nicole was uncharacteristically uncomfortable in the sheriff’s office, Cleo told Doc about Haught’s deal with Mam Clanton to trade Doc for Waverly, and Doc tossed Amon to the metaphorical wolves after Amon tried to kill Wynonna and Waverly.

We open with an old west style stare-off, Wynonna vs. Nicole, Earp vs. Haught.

:a hawk caws in the distance:

:sound of a tumbleweed rolling by:

It turns out they are sparring and boxing, exchanging quips and jabs, uppercuts and titty punches, and it’s all very cute and snarky.

Wynonna does some of her best bonding via sparring sessions.

Waverly enters just as Wynonna knocks Haught over, saying she’s the only one allowed to sweep her off her feet, and for a second I thought cupid was back, but then I realized that the 90s romcom glow was just in my head and Waverly’s entrance was normal, I was just swooning.

:sings: “There she goes, there she goes again.”

Waverly makes a joke about not knowing who to cheer for, and Wynonna says she should cheer for her because she got Haught off the Homestead and into town. The Earp sisters turn on Haught then, gently coaxing her like a feral cat to come with them. They want her to be the sheriff again.

I don’t know how you say no to these two.

But Nicole doesn’t want to hear it. The town didn’t vote for her, and she doesn’t want to be the backup plan just because Hoyt is gone. She’s also tired of talking about it, so she makes some excuse about wedding planning and tells the Earp girls she’ll see them at trivia tonight.

Waverly looks to Wynonna and says there are Purgatorians in the sheriff’s office who need help but Wynonna also doesn’t want this responsibility. Waverly pleads with her; it’s not like she has a Black Badge assignment right now, and with Amon gone the town seems quiet. Which are famous last words. It’s like when someone starts a meeting by saying it will be quick and/or easy.

I don’t know why no one suggested Waverly be the community leader in this situation.

And as if to prove my point, we cut to a “quiet” part of town where a man stumbles across a dead body who seems to have been killed by way of two wee puncture wounds in the neck. The man says that the Earp heir is going to be pissed, and is worried he’ll be put on the chopping block for this, since his teeth are also particularly pointy, him being a werewolf and all.

Instead of going to do any wedding planning, Nicole goes to Shorty’s where Nedley catches her trying to sneak some free beer from one of the unbroken taps.

Me in college but stealing maraschino cherries.

Nedley also thinks she should be the one to take charge in this town, and thinks she’s only resisting because she is, and I quote, “butthurt.”

“Not sure how I feel about my dad saying the word ‘butt’ to me but okay.”

Nicole claims she can’t possibly be sheriff right now because she has a teenager to take care of who is a full time job, and Nedley points out that if she were really spending that much time with Rachel she might have noticed that Little Valdez let her reaper boyfriend out of the basement.

Meanwhile at the sheriff’s office, Wynonna joins Waverly to theoretically help but instead she dismisses everyone’s concerns. Pharmacies being out of moisturizers and neighbors getting douchebag paint jobs on their cars seems incredibly insignificant when you deal with life and death situations every day. Waverly pulls her aside and tries to explain that the people are stressed; less supplies are coming through the BBD border, supernatural activity is on the rise.

So the Earp girls try to calm the crowd down, saying everything is fine…Until Jeremy comes in covered in blood, proving that things are not, in fact, fine. They try to cover it up by saying it’s cherry pie but even this regular joe schmoe of a citizen can tell they’re lying and says as much.

Jeremy Chetri isn’t exactly known for his subtlety.

Jeremy leads the Earp sisters to examine the dead body that was brought in and they recognize him as the guy who won trivia last week. Waverly says that at least he won’t be at trivia tonight and looks as horrified with herself as Wynonna and Jeremy look that such a ruthless thing came out of such a sweet angel’s mouth.

Who said that?

Wynonna says she understands, before she was knocked out of the competition, she was obsessed with trivia night, too.

When Jeremy shows them the puncture wounds in the vic’s neck, Wynonna gives a little whoop of joy, assuming this is the work of the hottest vampire in town and that finally he stooped to her level and can’t hold his grudge anymore. She floofs her hair and prances off to “interrogate” him, Waverly watching her go with a bit of sadness in her eyes.

Wynonna heads down to the Glory Hole and accuses Doc of leaving his pizza crust out in the open for everyone to find, trying to be stern but mostly looking smug that he is down with her in the pit of depravity.

Wynonna in gold leather pants, checking her reflection in her flask, holding Peacemaker and strutting into the Glory Hole…that’s it, that’s the show.

Doc says it wasn’t him, even when Wynonna holds up Peacemaker to trigger his vamp face. Amon’s old crew steps up to stand up for him, and Wynonna is surprised Doc has gone from being the “I walk alone” broody type to the guy with minions.

Back at Shorty’s, Nicole calls Rachel down into the basement to talk. Rachel thinks this is a gayntervention but Nicole and Waverly would support her even if she’s straight. She asks Rachel about Billy and Rachel calls her out for lying to her about his fate. Nicole agrees that was possibly not the best choice and asks if they can just be open and honest from now on. Rachel asks if this includes the “chicken kicker” thing but based on the look on Nicole’s face I imagine that’s off the table. Rachel gets defensive and promises not to mention it ever again.

I know she’s supposed to be her legal guardian but this has such big sister energy and I’m here for it.

Rachel apologizes for letting Billy out but says for what it’s worth, he seemed pretty weak. Nicole forgives her and, upon learning Rachel is listening to a podcast about Lady Gaga, asks if she’s sure she’s not even bi. It’s very endearing. (Enqueering? Moving on…)

In the spirit of putting everything on the table, Rachel looks up at Nicole and says that Doc would probably forgive her if she was honest about that, too, and Nicole looks at her charge with a deep appreciation.

Joke’s on Nicole, all of Gen Z is queer and they don’t feel the need to come out about it.

Across town (or across the street? who’s to say), Waverly goes to see Jeremy, who is examining the body of a second victim, this time a butcher. He was killed the same way as the first guy, and was also a trivia champ. Also, based on other wounds on the body, Jeremy is starting to think the puncture wounds aren’t bite marks at all. While casually handling the body while they chat about Doc and Wynonna’s coldness as of late, Waverly notices that the skull feels lighter than a dead head should.

“I would know about the weight of an empty skull, I married one.”

She uses a laser pointer to discover that both victims have been…relieved of their brain. They imagine it’s probably a demon, stealing brains for god knows what.

Cut to Rich Dotcom from Blindspot eating a brain sandwich while a woman sits idly by, seemingly unfazed by the disgusting sight before her.

I blame the patriarchy for normalizing men being gross.

Back at PPD HQ, Wynonna arrives to get debriefed by Waverly and Jeremy. Wynonna calls them murderinos and asks about her “least favorite murderer,” the nerd squad has a literal murderboard, and Jeremy says the word “unsub” while he and Waverly fight over the profile and whether the killer is a demon or a twisted serial killer. My true crime loving heart fully exploded.

Wynonna is disappointed to learn that they determined it’s definitely not a vampire, and Jeremy and Waverly’s back-and-forth gets a little ruthless (complete with Jeremy insulting Waverly’s online degree) as their mini competition to be right about the unsub devolves into a fight about who will win trivia.

Me explaining how JJ and Emily should have been canon on Criminal Minds.

Wynonna tells them to calm down and tries to distract them by messing up their murderboard when suddenly they hear a duck quack. Could it be a horse-sized duck here to murder them all? No, it’s just Waverly’s rubber ducky keychain she set out for people to use as a bell if they needed help.

Next page: Winner winner chicken dinner. 

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