We were two years into a committed relationship. We had moved in together and settled into a life of postgraduate studies and domestic logistics, plus the day-to-day mundanity of supermarkets, mealtimes, and Netflix. It was 2020, so we had also been trapped in our apartment for a record stretch, and half the country was canned.Ā The perfect storm of stress and isolation forced introspection onto us as we tried to lead precedented lives during unprecedented times.
By the time the lockdown lifted, she (Lucy) had kicked a life-long nail biting habit, and I (Summer) had come out as transgender.
Lucy Aalto, Author
Society has no script for when your partner comes out as trans.
From family love stories to cheesy Christmas rom coms, we learn the patterns of courtship and love as children. Most of these images of “normal” relationships leave little room for anything other than cisgender heterosexuality. There is certainly no version of the story where one half of a couple switches genders entirely. So when Summer came out to me as trans, I didnāt know what to expect. Sure, Iād had trans friends before. But I’d never considered that one day I might have to navigate the gender transition of a romantic partner.
I’m bisexual. When Summer came out, I’d been out of the closet for roughly four years, so her revelation did not spell the end of our relationship, as it does for so many. But at first, I wasn’t totally assured that I’d be attracted to Summer through the coming changes she would experience. Many bisexual people go through cycles of self-doubt about the legitimacy of their attraction to a specific gender, and I’m no different. At the time, I’d had little romantic or sexual experience with women. Could I really be sure I was bisexual? After all, I had always had a preference for men. What if I wasn’t bisexual and I was actually a straight girl going through an experimental phase? Or worse, what if I’d been “doing it for attention” all along?
Those thoughts followed a pattern of internalized biphobia I thought Iād outgrown already. In reality, Iād only quashed those thoughts due to their irrelevance (or so I thought) to my relationship. What did my attraction to women matter when I was in a relationship with a man? Oh, silly me.
Uncomfortable questions about my own sexuality were only a small part of the unknowns I faced as Summer embarked on her medical transition. Would her personality change? What would our sex life look like? Would I be any good at supporting her through this? And, most importantly, would she be safe?
Looking back on that last question has taught me that when your partner transitions, you transition along with them. When the gender dynamic between you shifts, your role changes. I often tell Summer jokingly as I head off to gym that my fitness goal is to be able to “fight a TERF for you.” And while I would never initiate a fight, I know that if someone came at Summer, Iād absolutely get beaten up trying to defend her.Ā Iām not “the man” in our relationship ā neither of us is. But I started feeling protective of her in a way that I hadn’t felt prior to her transition.
Day-to-day life with Summer is filled with little moments of learning and wonder. When HRT first started having noticeable effects on her body, it was magical. Witnessing my partner experience so much awe and excitement left me with no doubt that she was making the right choice. Her transition taught me a lot about my own body, too. I had never considered the extra fat on my upper arms particularly feminine until Summer started developing some of her own, and I learned that it was a secondary effect of estrogen. Her temperature started running colder, like me. Her skin softened, just like mine. I now know that none of these things are innate, and hormonal shifts can affect almost everything about my body and hers. Itās fascinating.
I, too, have taught her things. Like how to tie a ponytail. Or the importance of moisturizing (sheās still resistant to that one, since estrogen gave her near-perfect skin anyway). But for the most part, supporting Summer hasnāt been about how much I know, or lead, or teach, but how comfortable I am with the unknown. The answers to all of the questions I had when she first came out did not reveal themselves quickly. Both of us had to wait and see. But Iām now in a place where I can comfortably say that yes, I am attracted to women, because Iām so attracted to my beautiful girlfriend. It turns out I donāt have a preference for men, either ā that was the heteronormative bullshit talking. Her personality has changed: she is calmer, happier, and less combative during conflict. She has become better for us and has taught me how to be better for us, too. Our sex life may have changed drastically, but weāre both happy with where itās at right now.
As to whether or not Iāve been any good at supporting Summer through this? She tells me that I am, so Iāll take her word for it. Iām not an expert, but I do love her, and every day I show up and I try.
Summer Tao, Author
I was sick of living in some guyās skin.
āIĀ think Iām trans.āĀ The words kind of fell out of my mouth.
For many of us, coming out is a tightly mediated decision that balances risk, anxiety, and hopefulness. Some people take years or decades to let the world know their truth. My mouth got ahead of my brain before I was certain. Lucy was perched on the bed with her laptop. She looked at me and we both processed the statement in silence for a few seconds. She assured me of her support, even though she was unsure of what I meant in totality. Smell that unconditional love?
A weeks-long plunge into Google followed: Support communities, Discord groups, and memes ā so many memes. Reading other peopleās accounts of insidious gender dysphoria was like checking a list of my personal experiences. Item after item was notched down in my mind, bringing me closer to this select group of people. I was both wholly at-home with other questioning trans women and utterly floored by how much my desires aligned with theirs. I think Iām trans rapidly evolved into Iām probably trans. I was still jittery and anxious about my future. I hadnāt fully grasped what a trans woman was ā I still havenāt ā but I wanted to be one.
The coming weeks in our relationship were mostly unchanged. I framed my gender-questioning as exploration rather than certainty. However, Iād already resolved to set up a doctorās appointment to procure estrogen. A very “cisgender” “man” thing to do, I warrant. About two months later, I had my first dose of estrogen in me. That reinforced it: This was a medical step with the potential for irreversible changes (without surgery). I was nervous, but committed. Lucyās support had been unshakable thus far, so where else was there to go but forward?
My mind brightened quickly on estrogen. In the first few days, I felt strangely calm. There was only the faintest, transphobic voice in my head crying out,Ā āThis is irreversible! Youāre gonna get BREASTS and people will think youāre a FREAK!ā That misbegotten voice was soon replaced by well-deserved silence as my physiology settled. I didnāt know this until it disappeared, but I had lived my whole life with a kind of brain fog. Taking estrogenĀ was the cognitive equivalent of putting on glasses and seeing leaves for the first time. Lucy can attest to the masculine version of myself wandering around in agitation and muttering, āI have no idea what Iām doing right now.ā Those moments waned once I began shoveling estrogen into my body.
I didnāt flip a switch and become a perfect partner, but happiness is intoxicating. I slid between serenity from living in a quiet mind to excitement at each physiological change. My skin softened. Amazing! The acne I had fought for a decade subsided. Wow! I didnāt even know that my body could develop breasts from medication aloneĀ ā that one still impresses me. Joys built upon joys as my body felt more like home. I think Lucy noticed the newfound brightness. I sat with my shoulders looser and napped more often. Crying felt therapeutic rather than angry. I slept soundly knowing that each day was the best condition my body had ever been in, and it could only improve.
It wasnāt all perfect, of course. My sex drive plummeted, just as the doctor said it would. At first, I chalked it up to needing to adapt to my new body. But honestly, I wasnāt feeling the insistent itch of my masculine sex drive anymore. There was now a calmness. Itās fine if it happens, itās fine if it doesnāt. I fretted and worried for months that this would end our relationship, but it didnāt. Lucy’s sex drive ā responsive as it is ā followed mine, and we settled into a cozy dynamic of cuddling and emotional connection as opposed to fucking. My mind quieted in all aspects of life. I took the lead less often in the relationship as I shed the burden of my masculine expectations. She makes more decisions and phone calls now. I lost upper body strength to the point where some jars became unstoppable. Dreadful.
Even though I transformed before her in body and mind, I think the underlying person I am has remained the same. I just slid into my new place placidly and joyfully. I was still a fastidious person, but that began to manifest as being detail-oriented rather than tightly-wound. I was still anxious at times, but I became less snappy and more prone to reflection. The occasional arguments we had benefited immensely from a more emotionally stable and reflective version of myself.
Itās 2023 now. Google Calendar tells me itās been over 880 days of being trans. Eight hundred eighty-plus days of a changing body and changing connection with Lucy. My relationship with my body and with my girlfriend just feelsĀ right, as though being a trans woman with a bright and focused cis woman was the mode of being that fits me best. Call me biased, but if your partner is transitioning, give them a chance. Itās not without challenges and anxiety, but rarely do people embark on such monumental journeys without knowing whatās best for themselves. Part of me wants to find a counterpoint to “balance” the positive viewpoints, but all I can see is the day on which I took control of my life: The day I said, “I think I’m trans.”
This is sweet
šI love this love story.
This is such a beautiful article. My wife and I had been together for almost 15 years when she came out and it’s been the most wonderful experience. We both laughed and smiled reading this article as so much of our experience is reflected in it.
Thank you for sharing your stories. It’s so nice to know we are not alone in going through these things.
(Also now I have a new justification for going to the gym!!!)
Beautiful!
I love this and I wish these could be the stories we hear more of.
Thank you for sharing this part of your story! I was desperate for stories like these when my ex wife had surgery and we were trying to negotiate fertility treatments. I found a few on Reddit, but I definitely felt alone. My ex had several friends who were trans*, but I didnāt know anyone else whose partner was trans*.
So beautifully written- Lucy put into words so much of what Iāve felt in my husbands transition journey. People ask if it was hard for me and Iām always a bit taken aback- sure itās different than how we started, but I now have the happiest, healthiest, truest version of the person Iāve been deeply in love with for 8+ years. And itās been a privilege to be with them on that journey š
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your experiences! I came out to my wife when we had been dating for about a year, but I didnāt start to transition in any way or come out to anyone other than a couple of close friends.
I compartmentalized myself for fifteen-ish more years thinking Iād never come outābefore, late in the pandemic lockdowns, realizing I needed to start freeing myself from the male body I inhabited for real. Iām closer to day 0 than day 880, but so much what you both wrote resonates with what we have/are experiencing! ā¤ļø I donāt know exactly where Iām going but here I am.
Thank you so much to both of you for sharing your story.
well this is lovely!!! thank you both!!!
So happy for both of you! Thank you for sharing!
So lovely, thank you!
This is so heartwarming. Thank you for sharing, you two!