Q:
I’ve started dating this girl, and she’s actually very great. We’ve had frank discussions about needs and wants and dealbreakers, we have the same humour and she’s just as fun loving and spicy as I am while still being a functional adult. The plan is for me to meet her family at some point in the not-too-distant future. I’m excited, but here’s where it gets tricky:
We’re temporarily long-distance and I live next door to my parents. My mom was super abusive when I was a kid, to the point I moved out as soon as I turned sixteen. We’ve somewhat repaired this, and my parents have custody of my dogs, so you could describe our relationship as friendly but polite.
I introduced my ex to my folks because I was living with them at the time, and they loved her. Although my mom knows I’m now dating someone new, she’s asked no questions, which already isn’t a great sign. My ex was everything my folks like — polite, booksmart and agreeable. My new girlfriend is fantastic, but she’s not academic. I feel like my mom is going to hate that.
I want to introduce them because my mom can be nice and I have a fantastic relationship with my dad, but I don’t want my mom to say anything awful. And I absolutely will not tell my girlfriend that my mom may not like her because 1. That’ll hurt her feelings, 2. It could cause strain and 3. I like and value my girlfriend a hell of a lot more than my own mother.
I’m nervous because when my mom didn’t like my younger sister’s old boyfriend, she went so far as to orchestrate a breakup because he “wasn’t very bright” and didn’t “come from a good family,” and I am petrified.
Do I chat with my mom about boundaries? Do I only introduce my girlfriend to my dad? Do I not introduce her at all? Or am I overthinking it?
A:
You’re not overthinking! Of course you’re being thoughtful about if, when and how you’ll introduce your girlfriend to your family — given your mom’s previous actions, there’s a chance she won’t grant you and your girlfriend the respect your relationship deserves. You’re trying to protect your girlfriend from your mom’s objections, and you’re probably trying to protect yourself, too. You write that you’ve “somewhat repaired” your relationship with your mom after years of abuse, but even if your mom’s attitude and conduct had totally changed, abuse of any kind can have a lasting impact on your nervous system — it’s hard for your brain and body to forgive and forget, even if you’ve managed to rebuild trust with the person who hurt you.
But it sounds like you still don’t totally trust your mom, and why would you? You write that while your mom “can be nice,” she also espouses elitist values and even interfered in your sister’s relationship when your sister’s boyfriend didn’t meet your mom’s standards. Unpredictable behavior is a recipe for disappointment, so it makes sense that you’re trying to get out ahead of this.
It sounds like your girlfriend is excited for you to meet her family, but I’m not sure how she feels about meeting yours. Is it something that she wants to do? If you don’t know, ask! Maybe meeting your parents isn’t important to girlfriend at all. If it is, then you’re going to have to practice setting boundaries with your girlfriend, with your mom, or both.
I don’t have all the details on this situation, so I can’t give you an exact blueprint for how to approach it. Instead, let’s go over your options and look at the pros and cons:
Option 1: You don’t introduce your girlfriend to your parents. Of course, since your parents live next door, there’s a chance your girlfriend would bump into them anyway when she’s visiting, so you’d have to be willing to take that risk. There’s also a chance that not introducing your girlfriend to your parents could hurt your parents’ feelings, but sometimes that happens when we set boundaries. If you ultimately decide that it would be best to keep your girlfriend and your parents in two separate worlds, that’s a valid choice, and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is any less important or meaningful. Our partners don’t have to be involved with our biological families. We don’t even have to be involved with our own biological families. Your girlfriend is dating you, not your parents, and if you give your girlfriend some background on your family dynamic, she’ll probably understand why she won’t be meeting your parents anytime soon.
Option 2: You only introduce your girlfriend to your dad. You write that you have a “fantastic” relationship with him, so it might feel good to let him in on this part of your life. You get the experience of introducing your girlfriend to your family without the messiness that your mom might bring to the table. If your dad is aware of the abuse your mom inflicted in the past and how she treated your sister’s boyfriend, he will probably understand why she can’t be involved. But unless your dad is willing to sneak around, you’re going to have to tell your mom about this arrangement, and she probably isn’t going to like it. Hopefully, your dad can also be part of that conversation and help you advocate for your needs.
Option 3: You introduce your girlfriend to your mom and dad after having a detailed conversation with your mom about acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior. And be specific! Unpredictable people need crystal clear boundaries (“Do not contact my girlfriend privately,” “Do not criticize my girlfriend’s background,” etc.) in order to be held accountable. Make sure your mom knows that if she violates those boundaries, she will not be interacting with your girlfriend (or you, if you’re in a position to go no-contact) any more. Make sure your dad and sister are aware of this conversation so they can help hold your mom accountable, too.
No matter which option you choose, I think you should be honest with your girlfriend about your past experiences with your mom. You don’t have to go into detail about the abuse from your past if that feels too painful, but if you want your girlfriend to be in your life long-term, it’s important to at least acknowledge that there’s been some strain there. We are not our parents, but childhood trauma can affect us long into adulthood. Talking to our partners how that trauma affects us leads to better communication (and fewer misunderstandings) in our romantic relationships. I know you’re worried about hurting your girlfriend’s feelings, but with the right framing, this conversation will probably bring you closer together. Telling your girlfriend, “My mom has been abusive and hyper-critical of others in the past, so I no longer value her opinions,” isn’t the same as saying, “You’re not good enough for my mom.”
Finally, I want to remind you that you don’t have to carry the impact of your mom’s past and present behavior alone. I hope you’re able to talk to your dad and sister about how they manage conflict with your mom, and if you don’t have a therapist who can help you set clear boundaries, I hope you’ll consider getting one. And remember that if your mom continues to cause turmoil and if you’re in a position where you can safely extricate yourself, you are not required to have your mom in your life. You can put your energy into the relationships that serve you instead.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Great advice. I have one thing to add based on my experience managing abusive and/or difficult extended family and introducing partners to them.
I think it’s good idea to tell your girlfriend why you’re worried about introducing her to your mom – but make it about your mom, not your gf. You’re not worried your mom will be mean to your gf because of your gf’s background, you’re worried your mom will be mean because your mom is an elitist / classist / insert your term here and also because she was abusive and still has bad boundaries.
You might not want / need to get into the whole history – I’ve had good luck going with kind of neutral versions of the truth. Maybe something like “I’m excited to meet your family but I’m not sure about introducing you to mine because my mother can be really difficult / I don’t have a great relationship with my mom / my mom has a history of being mean to her children’s partners.
Quick personal story. My brother’s future wife was hurt when he didn’t invite her to a family reunion. They were living together at the time, the reunion was only a few hours away and I could see why she was hurt and would think it might mean he wasn’t as committed to her as she was to him. I also knew that my brother didn’t want to bring her because wanted to protect her / didn’t want to scare her off by introducing her to our extremely dysfunctional extended family, especially our abusive grandfather and anti-Semitic grandmother. And he didn’t even want to tell her that he was related to people like that. (They’ve been married 18 years now, so they did work it out).
I really empathize with you, letter writer, and Ro has great advice as always. I would second their recommendation to get a therapist if you are able to – therapists are awesome at helping you strategize about things like this and can even help you practice what you want to say to different people and how to say it.
You have autonomy in this situation and you are allowed to make the choices that feel right to you. Ro made another excellent point that I will underscore, which is that sometimes when you set boundaries other people feel hurt, ***and that does not mean that you did anything wrong.*** You are allowed to set boundaries to protect yourself and make sure your needs get met!
Here is one situation I was in a while back, in case it helps you think through this. I and my family of origin are white, I was dating a Black woman, and my mom is a far-right conservative. I talked to my girlfriend at the time about whether she should meet my mom. We both had hesitations, and while I was clear that my mom was unlikely to say anything intentionally mean, she probably would unintentionally say something racist and offensive. I didn’t feel equipped to set clear boundaries with my mom (I have since gotten a therapist and am now getting better at this!!), so we collaboratively decided that my mom would not meet my girlfriend at the time, who felt OK about this decision since she wasn’t even out to her parents and they didn’t know I existed, which is another story…
Anyway, I’m glad you’re being thoughtful about if and how to introduce your girlfriend to your parents, and I definitely think having open conversations and setting boundaries can help! Most importantly, stay aware of how you are feeling. Emotions are information that help guide our choices. Good luck! 💞
I think this is good advice, but it’s also worth bearing in mind what you can realistically expect from your mum. If you know that she’s not stuck to boundaries in the past, that’s probably not going to be magically different this time. So yes, it’s definitely worth telling her what you expect from her in any case, but I think if you go that route, it’s worth emotionally preparing for the worst-case scenario. (Speaking from experience, unfortunately)
My mom she’s a lesbian and she needs to be in a relationship with another lady who is a lesbian right now so she can be happy and then when she finds the lady to be in a relationship with she can tell all her sisters about her.