Back at the house, Jules wants to know how Ali got out of her bat mitzvah. Ali says: I didn’t think I could memorize it all, so I said I didn’t believe in God so they canceled it. Baby Ali is kind of a badass. Jules tells her that she “never understood how kids get up in front of all those people and sing,” and Ali starts softly singing the torah portion to herself on the couch. Then she gets louder and more animated, and finishes singing on top of the coffee table. Bravo! Maybe she can be on that show I saw once on cable and then never again called “Sing Your Face Off” which had John Lovitz on it and also, I think, an NFL player.
It’s a little odd but (I think?) sweet that Jules is hanging out here letting Ali talk about this stuff, because no one else is paying attention to her. I feel a little bit put off by why this grown person wants to hang out with this young girl, but hopefully that’s just Rita (and the fact that the camera keeps doing a slow pan up Ali’s body the same way they do for adult women that we’re supposed to find sexy? It’s really uncomfortable) skewing my perspective and Jules is a top-notch human.
Meanwhile, Sarah is on a bus, headed to? from? a protest. The boy sitting next to her is falling asleep on her shoulder, either because he’s sleepy or as a misguided ploy to meet cute; either way, Sarah is not into it. I was going to say how annoying this is before checking my privilege and remembering that there’s like an 80% chance I fell asleep on at least one person at some point during the year that I spent commuting on the D train to Riverside. If you are a person I did that to, I apologize profusely.
Sarah is in luck, though, because an INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE HUMAN sees her plight, laughs, and rescues her. This person is Cindy, played by Victoria Ortiz. I am already the president of the International Cindy Fan Club, I’ve made foam fingers and everything, and really wish that there were an arc with her, but IMDB suggests to me that this is the only episode she appears in, which means she’s probably just here to confirm that Sarah is bisexual and has been interested in women in her life besides Tammy (although of course number of partners of different genders doesn’t determine whether you’re a “real bisexual” or not, and so on, and so forth). Miss you already, Cindy.
Elsewhere, also in a moving vehicle, we have another slow pan that makes me feel uncomfortable when the camera starts zoomed in on Rita’s crotch in a short skirt and then moving up to her face, and then Josh’s face as he stares at her like she’s made of candy. Their fingers touch across the car seat, and I squirm uncomfortably.
Ali has convinced Jules to drop her off at the beach as she leaves in her catering van. How is she getting home? They don’t have cell phones, do they? After frolicking like the child that she is for a bit, Ali discovers a dude with a pickup truck. Watch out! I know Taylor Swift doesn’t exist for you yet, Ali, but she is gonna have a lot of cautionary words about this situation in about 20 years! This dude is flying a radio-controlled plane in the air, and Ali wants a turn to fly it.
This dude isn’t having it, because it costs “like three hundred bucks.” She says “you’re too old to play with toys,” and he says “oh, and you’re not?” She tells him she’s seventeen. DANGER WILL ROBINSON. (For those of you playing along from home, if Ali’s bat mitzvah was supposed to be this week, she is thirteen.) He offers her a beer and I die inside. The only part of this scene I felt good about was when Ali said “I love beer” in the exact same tone I use to say things like “A bacon-themed sports bar replaying Game 6 of the 1986 World Series? I’d love to.”
At Camp Camellia, Maura, Marcy and Connie have all had a few drinks. Connie is casually telling the others about how she had “a nervous breakdown” when her husband came out to her as a crossdresser.
“I was in my nightgown, and I was on the front lawn, and I was screaming… like something out of a movie!”
Now Maura and Connie are going to dance and tell each other how pretty they are. You can’t see Marcy but I 100% sure she is pouting.
Back on the beach, Ali and the plane dude (whom I believe is named Patrick and is played by James Frecheville are walking into a sort of hidden underpass area. THIS IS DEFINITELY A GOOD SIGN, I FEEL GREAT ABOUT THIS.
Connie and Maura are dancing. Is this a tango? What do tangos look like? Marcy is finishing their drinks for them. Ali and Patrick are… play-fighting? I hope it’s playing. Patrick grabs onto Ali’s sleeve, and she spins around and sort of smiles mischieviously. At camp, the tangoing is getting very intense. Ali and Patrick seem to be struggling on the ground, maybe? At camp, some of the tension in the room falls flat when Marcy stands up to complain about the fact that Maura and Connie should get a room, and how she’s afraid that no one will go to the pageant with her. Ali and Patrick are chasing each other around in the sand like children (because one of them is AN ACTUAL CHILD) and Ali is pinning Patrick to the ground, sitting with her legs on either side of his chest. Marcy changes clothes for the pageant, watching Maura and Connie with irritation? jealousy? confusion? all three? It’s basically impossible to communicate what it’s like to watch these things juxtaposed by using screencaps, so just close your eyes and imagine.
At the beach, Ali is laying in the sand while Patrick walks around her, sort of lightly kicking sand at her. It’s not clear what happened — did he push her off him, or did she just get tired and lay down? We anxiously ponder these issues as the camera pans right — TO CURRENT-DAY GROWN UP ALI, sitting in the sand beneath the same overpass thing. What the actual heck? Connie and Maura comment on how needy Marcy is while past-Ali watches past-Patrick walk over to current-day-Ali and try to kiss her, until past-Ali pulls him away. What even? Is the series finale of Transparent gonna be Ali’s alarm clock going off and we find out the entire thing was a dream?
Connie and Marcy are bickering while Marcy gets ready for the pageant, and Maura and Connie share secret smiles. Maura tells Marcy to just go on ahead to the pageant, and Connie will help Maura pick out a dress. Marcy gives Maura the universal “are you about to sleep with her or what” look, and Maura gives her a “whatever don’t worry about it” in response. Alone, Maura and Connie dance and Connie says that she thinks Marcy’s in love with Maura.
They drink more, and sway, and dance, and kiss kind of chastely, and Connie drunkenly babbles “We’re all just a bunch of bodies. That’s it! Just bodies. And some of us have a penis.” Maura responds “No penis. No vagina.” And Connie sits on the couch while Maura twirls around the room.
Elsewhere, Ali lies in the bed of a truck while Patrick drives it down the highway. She yells “Faster! Faster!” and screams.
At Camp Camellia, camp is officially ending. Marcy says her goodbyes while Maura packs the trunk of the car. Marcy tells her she needs to change back into her dude clothes, but Maura says she doesn’t want to.
Maura: I wanna drive like this.
Marcy: Are you kidding?
Maura: I’ll change, okay? I’ll change my clothes before we get to Ventura.
Marcy: That’s ridiculous. That’s not safe.
Maura: No, no one gives a shit.
Marcy: I give a shit!
Maura: Hey Mark? It makes me happy. I wanna be happy for two more hours. Put your bags in. For God’s sake, what’s wrong with you?
I invite speculation in the comments about the root of what’s going on with Marcy and Maura here. Does Marcy actually have feelings for Maura? Is Marcy starting to realize that Maura is a trans woman, and wants to discourage her? Is Marcy starting to realize that Maura is a trans woman and is resentful of Maura because Marcy might feel like a trans woman, too? Is she just having a rough time? All of the above?
Once they’re in the car, they call each other cunts for a minute, but in an affectionate way, and drive off. In all honesty this is not a terrible way to resolve conflict, and I am taking note of it for the future.
Ali is waking up, and she’s still in the back of the truck. Some men are walking past her, probably the laborers that Sarah is ostensibly protesting on behalf of. Patrick is peeing into their fields, which is probably a metaphor for something.
Ali: Hey. Did we sleep here all night?
Patrick: Yup.
Ali: Why didn’t you try anything?
Patrick: I don’t think you’re seventeen.
Ali tells him that’s true, that she’s sixteen. Just kidding, fifteen. No actually fourteen. Well really she’s thirteen. (This is not me getting cute, this is the actual dialogue.) She closes her eyes and leans towards him like she’s going in for a kiss, except her mouth is wide open, like she’s about to swallow him alive. And the camera disappears into her mouth, and that’s the last thing we see before the credits.
Join us next time, when we get in a Delorean and go back to the future to see which short-sleeved button-down Josh is wearing this week.
