Welcome back to Transparent and the episode where we’ll finally find out whether Gordon Ramsay’s new recipe for crab cakes is enough to bring this family business back from the brink. Just kidding, instead this is the episode where you’re going to have 97 different emotions and all of them will carve your insides out like a pumpkin. Let us proceed.

Maura has come out to a still-rolling Ali juuuuust before the camera was turned on, and it’s going GREAT. Ali smushes Maura’s face between her hands and continues speaking in the sort of Dakota Fanning Sugar Fairy tone of voice that cues us she is in an altered state. “You finally make sense to me,” Ali says. “I see you completely, it’s like I’ve never seen you before!”

Ok so you’re a cool autumn, which means you’re gonna want to avoid orange but you look great in jewel tones and knee socks

It would be cool if Ali were saying this because it was her authentic reaction to finding out Maura’s true gender and also a genuine callback to the pilot when Maura wanted Ali to be the one of her kids who really sees her, but mostly she’s just saying this because she is on drugs. Maura asks if Ali is okay, presumably because she’s acting like a total wacko, and Ali confirms that she’s the BEST SHE’S EVER BEEN. I am not sure if we’re supposed to believe that Maura doesn’t realize Ali is on something — if my mom could figure out that my brother’s weed hiding spot was inside the ceiling tile, then Maura can figure out that her daughter is squishing her lips between her fingers because she’s on ecstasy.

Oh my god is that my nose ring? Did you disinfect it first at least?

All in all, many parts of this coming out seem sort of ideal? The scene makes an excellent case for this mode of initiating the conversation. Who’s come out to someone on a Schedule I recreational substance? How did it go? Is this what we should all be doing? Please share with the group.

We starsweep to a scene where two humans are engaging in some sort of sexual activity on a bed — the voices make it sound like one of them is Carrie Brownstein, but that can’t be right — AH YES IT IS. SYD IS HAVING SEX WITH JOSH. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Seriously this makes me feel fifty shades of sad and weird but it’s fine, I’ll be fine, I’m not gonna judge you for your sexual choices Syd even if I do think maybe you should go listen to some Sleater-Kinney and rethink this one. Josh asks Syd not to tell Ali “because she’d freak” apparently while he is inside her. Josh needs a life coach.

Dig me out/dig me out/ seriously get me out of here

In the harsh light of day, Josh is eating cereal while Syd looks through his record collection, and brings up again that they can’t tell Ali. Syd reminds him that she’s been privy to many many Pfefferman family secrets over the years and is an old hand at this, such as how Ali used to sell her mom’s Valium at school, and also RITA.

Oh so you only have the anniversary reissue, not the original colored vinyl with the gate fold? Yeah I don’t think we can keep seeing each other.

Syd describes Rita as “the woman that babysat you that drove you around and took advantage of your sweet little teenage bod.” Josh argues that situation with Rita was “rad;” Syd counters that it was “gross” and “lecherous,” and reminds him that if he heard about a situation with a 15-year-old girl and an older man, it would not seem rad to him. Syd then peaces out as Josh tries to get her to stay, calling behind her “Wow, you really don’t want to be alone, do you?”

I’m not saying I faked every orgasm, I’m just saying that they were less real than some other things are. Like the Easter Bunny, or American sex education.

Starsweep to Maura’s apartment complex, where Davina is giving her hair extensions so she can stop wearing her wig. For real I’m super into Maura’s hair, sometimes I fantasize about dying my hair gray and I hope that it would look sort of like Maura’s. Davina tries to give Maura some pointers about being in her body — she has her walk around the room and it’s all very ANTM. Maura walks out the door saying “this is stupid” because Maura’s not here to make friends, she’s here to be America’s next top model.

Soon it will be long enough to braid a rope out of so I can finally leave this tower for good

Milady, your steed awaits; your loyal subjects have been looking forward to your return

Back in 1994, Maura is checking into a hotel. She’s given a false name for her reservation, and is very nervous that the desk clerk is going to find out who she really is, because she is here for secret reasons.

I will give you one hundred dollars for a bottle of Excedrin right now

When she gets into her room, she puts on a sparkly dress and a blond wig. She’s joined by her friend from the adult bookstore, who is also wearing a dress and wig! They are both so excited and pretty and Maura can balance a martini glass on her head and it’s very lovely to see her happy. The friend introduces herself as Marcy, and Maura introduces herself as Daphne Sparkles, which Marcy isn’t into. Marcy dismisses that name as “not right,” and renames her: Maura! I actually feel a little bit let down by this because I would have liked to see Maura name herself on her own, but also Maura is so pleased by this, and so we are pleased as well.

I saw Beyonce had super short Grimes bangs and I’m trying to figure out if I could make it work what do you think

Back to the future and the family home that Sarah is now living in, Tammy has arrived. They have already started doing the thing where they both begin and end every sentence they say to each other with “babe” — “Babe, did you see where I put my hair straightener, babe?” — so they are actually already in a common-law domestic partnership. Sarah wants to know if Tammy has told her wife about the flame of their eternal love and — this will come as a shock, I know — Tammy hasn’t.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains/I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain/There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive/The closer I am to fine

Tammy tries a saving throw by telling Sarah how hot she is (specifically, “you’re like this little tiny hummingbird with big boobs”) and grabbing both her breasts with both her hands like they’re grapefruits at the supermarket that she’s comparing for ripeness. Seriously I CANNOT get over how weird Tammy is about touching boobs. Am I off the mark here? Are lots of people into having sex initiated by someone squeezing their breast like it’s a clown’s nose? The larger point here is that Tammy is being sort of a shady partner, and also doesn’t understand what breasts are. Also Sarah gets a text message letting her know that Maura came out to Ali! Now we’re all in the loop except for Josh.

Maybe this is where I left the car keys. No? Okay, let me try the other one

(Sidenote: Where are Sarah’s children at this point? Does she still have children? Are they living with Len and being cared for by Sylvia? Has she told them what’s happening with her marriage? A flaw in the show right now is that I can’t tell whether Sarah as a person is just really not concerned with her kids, or whether the show itself isn’t concerned with her kids and so has essentially dropped them from the plot for right now. If anyone has seen them, please bring them up to the front information desk.)

Sarah heads over to Ali’s apartment where she thinks the story of Maura’s coming out to Ali is HILARIOUS because yeah, it kind of is. Ali is hungover and gross and WAY less cool with Maura’s identity than she was last night, and also hungover.

I can’t BELIEVE she told me that Tara dies when she knows I’m only on season 4, like I definitely have to break up with her, right?

Sarah corrects her use of pronouns for Maura and tells her that she can’t tell their mom or Josh yet or anyone else, because “outing a trans person is like an act of violence, it’s like stripping someone naked in the cafeteria and making them go eat by themselves. Google it!” This is my favorite thing Sarah has ever said, and shows us that in the midst of her angst and self-centeredness and having her boobs massaged by Tammy, she’s at least taken a few minutes out of her life to figure out how to make her loved one’s life a tiny bit better, or at least not make it worse.

ugh slept with contacts in AGAIN

This conversation also leads to Sarah revealing her affair with Tammy to Ali, so that’s fun. Ali asks “What about Len?” and Sarah answers “I don’t know,” which is a significantly different answer than the one she gave to Maura. Interesting! She also shares that Tammy made her squirt, which I’m very happy for her but I still can’t believe the idea that someone would ever discuss this with their siblings. Probably I’m a giant prude. Anyhow it turns out that Ali had made brunch plans with Maura while she was tripping the light fantastic and so now they’re gonna go do that.

Just remembered she didn’t take out the butt plug from last night

Now Josh is hanging out at Rita’s, and says “I need to ask you some questions, and they might not be very pleasant.” He wants to know if his parents knew what was going on with him and Rita back in the day — it seems like he maybe feels that if his parents knew and were cool with it, then it was a Totally Normal and Healthy thing to do. Rita says of course they did! Everyone knew! Of course they didn’t fire me! When Josh presses her on these things, Rita gets SUPER weird. “You don’t get to talk to me that way! You just can’t come in and ask me questions like this! We were in love.” The interaction ends with Josh comforting Rita even though he was the one who was initially upset, which is a giant red flag among a veritable forest of other red flags. At what point is it not a flag anymore but some other item, like a fire extinguisher or a flare calling for help? This definitely sounds extremely normal and healthy and good, is what I’m saying.

Haha what statutory rape what are you talking about

The scene ends with Josh and Rita postcoital in bed. I think the way this is shot is perhaps meant to emphasize that Josh is much more affectionate and loving than his sex scene with Syd, but mostly it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Rita says “that guy you said would fix the air conditioning never came,” and Josh tells her he’ll call the guy again in the EXACT tone you use to talk to your mom when she can’t figure out how to get a video off her phone. I still feel like Rita is kinda a mom to him, or at least a very maternal aunt. Then Josh sits alone in his car and sings along to “Night” by Bill Callahan, if anyone is playing along with the soundtrack from home.

Only place he can listen to Taylor Swift in private

Maura, Sarah and Ali are cutting through a department store because apparently they’re going to brunch in or around a mall. Maybe it’s at the Rainforest Cafe, I used to love that place and their waffle fries. Waffle fries are a good brunch. Sarah says she’s gonna “send Sylvia over” to do Maura’s laundry for her and I have a lot of questions about this, like a) can you just have hired domestic workers do the chores of everyone you know? That just seems like crossing a line somehow and b) I got the sense that Len was the reason they could afford to hire Sylvia, not Sarah, and I kind of feel like Sarah might have lost her Sylvia privileges when she left Len so she could boink her ex?

Don’t look now but I think that mannequin just blinked

The women are waylaid by some very committed makeup and skincare salespeople who offer them mall makeovers. The daughters both grouch but Maura goes for it, because when you’ve never had one the offer of a free makeover is amazing. Maura learns where her T-zone is, Sarah gets made up to look like a Real Housewife, and Ali refuses all makeup except for foundation and powder. It’s not made clear whether this is because she doesn’t like makeup, because she’s having some gender feelings, because she’s too hungover, or all or none of these reasons. It’s sort of unfortunate though because as a person who is frequently hungover, nothing makes you look even more hungover than trying to cover up your hangover with caked-on facial makeup, especially since your skin and body are dehydrated. You have to just sort of go with a light tinted moisturizer and maybe some blush and face the world with a Gatorade in hand.

Sarah takes a selfie to show Tammy how dewy her cheekbones are. Maura looks great and is successfully pressured into buying several skincare products. Don’t do it Maura, drugstore products will do basically the same for cheaper! Ali also has Maura buy many makeup and skincare products for her. I WONDER FOR WHAT PURPOSE. Maybe we’ll find out!

Before they can continue on to the mall, though, everyone has to pee. This is when the JAWS theme basically starts playing in your head. Maura pauses outside the ladies’ room, and Sarah gamely encourages her to go in, telling her it will be fine. But it won’t be fine, dear reader!

God, my fucking kids

Once inside the bathroom, Sarah loudly calls Maura “Dad,” which tips off several people in the restroom. A teenager tells her mom “Do you see that person over there with the gray hair? I think it’s a guy.” The mom turns around to ask Maura “Excuse me. Are you a man? There are young women in here that you are traumatizing!” Sarah makes a face and says “Those little bitches over there? Yeah, they look really traumatized,” while Maura physically shrinks up and backs away. Ali hides inside a bathroom stall while Sarah, empowered by her RHOA makeup, loudly argues with this asshole mom calling Maura a “pervert.” Maura has to break up the scene, and has Sarah and Ali leave with her.

Resting bitch face

Active bitch face

This scene has so many layers of things that are infuriating and heartbreaking. Sarah is like a giant flashing signpost about how not to be a safe and supportive family member/friend of a trans woman — she’s tried to do her research and she’s sure her heart is in the right place, but she still manages to do something clueless and heedless that humiliates Maura and puts her in very real danger in front of her own children, just because she can’t be aware enough for one minute to realize the larger context of the situation. And then she makes it worse by drawing even more attention to Maura and to her trans status, having a yelling fight that makes her feel good about herself but only makes Maura feel worse. It’s a reminder to us, fellow cis people: no matter how conscious of trans issues you think you are and how devoted to allyship you imagine yourself to be, you are always one mistake away from putting the trans people you care about in danger. No amount of good intentions will ever mean you’re beyond fucking up.

And for Maura, this moment is just indescribably demoralizing and horrific. By most measures, things are going better for Maura and she likely feels more confident about being perceived as a woman than she ever has before: her daughters both seem marginally supportive of her and are out with her in public; she’s just had fresh hair extensions so she doesn’t need to worry about a wig that might look artificial; she’s just had her makeup professionally done; she’s even been coached, however reluctantly, on how to walk. And yet even with all those things, the day was totally ruined in a split second by dumb and bigoted cis people. Regardless of what changes Maura has made to her physical appearance, she still isn’t considered a “real” woman by others, and she had that fact announced publicly and in front of her kids. God, it’s the worst.

In the parking garage, Sarah asks if Maura is okay. “I will be,” she says. Sarah and Ali walk away. “Why is [she] doing this now?” Ali asks, selfishly. “Why did [she] wait so long?” Sarah responds, maybe not realizing they’re talking about different things. Elsewhere, Maura has finally found someplace private she can pee: a Port-A-Potty in a construction site. Super! Super.

Ali goes back to the makeup counter to immediately return all of the expensive products Maura bought her for cash, because Ali just wants money from Maura all the time. This makes me incredibly angry actually but I don’t know how rational that is? It reminds me of the time that I found out my roommate with rich parents was using their credit card to go online shopping and hoping they wouldn’t notice, and I was horrified and equated this to stealing money from her parents, but my other friends whose parents also had money told me that that was fairly normal and not stealing. We were all in our early twenties if that matters.

Every time I’m disappointed in you my eyebrows get a little bit closer to my hairline

I don’t know it seems really gross to me. Also Tammy cancels on the date she had with Sarah, although if their “date” was just gonna be Tammy smooshing Sarah’s boobs around then I feel like the honeymoon phase is over anyway, that shouldn’t count as a “date night” until you’ve been dating for at least a year. Ali’s face is a color that is completely unrelated to the color of her actual skin, it’s sort of hypnotizing.

What do you think koala emoji/eyes emoji/helicopter emoji means

Maura is trying to figure out how to use the stovetop in her little apartment but eight thousand gay boys are having some sort of patio party next door and it’s very loud. Maura tries to call the apartment complex manager to have it addressed, but she hears the phone ring next door and realizes that the apartment manager is one of the partiers! Goddammit. Honestly living in a complex full of party-hearty gay boys sounds sort of like the worst thing possible except I bet they have good drugs and also would probably lend you a mesh tank top if you needed one. The larger point here is that Maura is having basically the worst day possible. She deals with this by taking her shoe off and banging on the dividing wall screaming “Turn the music the fuck down, motherfuckers!” She also calls them faggots which isn’t very cool, Maura, although I recognize it’s been a pretty fucking rough day. It doesn’t matter, because they don’t even hear her, so she just sits on her patio with one shoe on, letting the obnoxious party music waft over her.

Starsweep to the barber shop where Ali still has all her foundation on and is getting a haircut. She goes back home and takes a bath, washing off the makeup and feeling her new, shorter hair. I want to be generous towards Ali and guess that she’s not mooching off of Maura as a general lifestyle choice but is mostly using it to fund things related to her body/physical self and changes she wants to make to it — like personal training or a haircut. For those who are aware that the creators of Transparent have mentioned there being a genderqueer character, this seems like evidence that Ali might be that character.

I’m thinking sort of like a Shane vibe, but also not too butch, and also I don’t want to have to use too much product, and also none of it should get in my face if I want to pull my hair back, and maybe a little kind of undercut but nothing that would be unprofessional for work and also can you shave “Bubbline 4Ever” into the back

Across town, Sarah is showing up at Tammy’s house, because she’s terrible at having affairs. Tammy points out that this is super weird, which is true, but also keeps putting off telling her wife about Sarah. Tammy says she never told Sarah to leave her husband, which I guess is sort of true, but the fact that they’ve also been talking about Tammy telling her wife for some time now makes that seem a little suspect. Sarah says “I love you, and I’m feeling so ready, and open, and honest right now but I am afraid that I am making this shit up in my head and that you are not coming with me, and I feel like you’re just going to delay and delay and delay. I have dumped out every fucking piece of my life and I need you to tell her the truth.” Tammy…. doesn’t really say anything.

You told me you understood Princess Bow Wow’s needs and would never take her to a groomer that didn’t respect her boundaries and every time I look at her I just think about how you betrayed both of us and I don’t know how I can ever trust you again, not in a real way

I just think you might be overreacting

Sarah does a sad little angry laugh and starts to walk away before Tammy calls after her. This is becoming increasingly less discreet. Sarah asks if Tammy loves her, and Tammy pauses for a second while staring down at the ground, which is an extremely convincing and romantic way in which to tell someone you love them, in case you’re taking notes. “Then tell her about me,” Sarah says, and Tammy sort of nods. Probably this is going to go well!

Josh is hanging out at Ali’s apartment, where she is serving him “just bread. The toaster broke.” I’ve been there too, Ali. Josh thinks her new hair is funny, and Ali tries to prod him to talk with Maura without outing her.

Denial > Anger

Bargaining > Depression

Acceptance

They make a halfhearted attempt at talking about Josh’s feelings, and I sort of am starting to see how these two might have matching anxieties and neuroses and self-loathing that help them understand each other in a way that others don’t. There’s a really beautiful version of “Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye” by Bettye Swann playing, and Ali snaps her fingers and gets Josh up to dance with her, and they both boogie away on the carpet like little muppets.

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