Autostraddle is turning 15 this week! To celebrate, we’re publishing chaotic and gay Top 15 Lists all week long.
I received some shocking news on a team call last week which prompted me to write this piece. I learned that our managing editor, Kayla, was writing a list called “15 Most Bottom Things I Do” in honor of Autostraddle’s 15th birthday. When I inquired, “Well, who’s writing ‘15 Most Top Things I Do’?” I was met with silence. That’s the moment I learned not a single member of the editorial team self-identifies as a top. Forgivable. Understandable. A statistics issue. What I couldn’t get over, though, is the shock and awe that followed my volunteering to write it myself.
“Am I a top?!” I whined with a pipe wrench slung over my shoulder. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’ve gone viral on TikTok on multiple occasions for explaining things like scissoring, “the knee thing,” and phantom dick to the public. My Twitter banner has been a screenshot of a marketing email I got from an online store that had the subject line “The Top That Broke the Internet” for over four years. In 2021, I literally went full Shane McCutcheon and modeled for an underwear company to pay an overdue medical bill. Suffice to say, I was writing the damn list.
Like Kayla, I won’t be adding any context to my list as it would take away the fun. These are toppy things I do.
15. Exclusively use a Carhartt backpack
14. Call instead of text
13. Have over 100 unread texts
12. Apple Pay my girlfriend for Ubers
11. Wear a Herringbone chain
10. Constantly need back scratchies
9. Bring the reusable bags to the grocery store
8. Little spoon
7. Advocate for bottoms with long nails/tips
6. Cook every single recipe my girlfriend sends me on Instagram
5. Stand on the subway even if there’s seats open
4. Send Looney Tunes gifs in response to nudes
3. Abstain from group chats
2. Wear my keys on a chain from my belt loop
1. Bottom for my femme girlfriend whenever she wants
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