To L and Back LIVE! Episode 509: Liquid Heat With Gaby Dunn, Mal Blum, Brittani Nichols and Cerise Castle

Gaby Dunn, Mal Blum, Brittani Nichols and Cerise Castle joined Carly and Riese for a LIVE RECORDING of Episode 509, aka the episode where everybody engages in sexual activities with one another! Now, in podcast form, capture our rehashing of situations including the Showdown with the She-B*tches, Lover Cindi’s wig, Bette’s unethical non-monogamy, kissing the wrong person in the dark, bringing ice cubes into the bedroom, elevator fantasies, Shane’s inadequate camerawork, Max’s budding relationship with Tom, Jenny firing a guy with an Elmo tattoo and Molly’s passion for candles.

The usual:

The following transcript is a transcript of the full live show, not the edited podcast. But! The full live show cotnains the full podcast …. and more!

Riese: Hi, I’m Riese!

Carly: And I’m Carly.

Riese: And this is-

Carly and Riese: To L and Back! To L and Back!

Carly: Hi, Riese!

Riese: Hi, Carly!

Carly: Well, well, well. Hello everybody! We’re live. This is wild.

Riese: Oh, you’re so cute!

Carly: This is the cutest. Hi! Welcome to the first ever live internet version of To L and Back! This is very exciting. Thank you all for being here. I feel like we were all just like vibing to the song. That was a real moment.

Riese: It’s a vibe, yeah, it’s a real vibe.

Carly: Total vibe.

Riese: These comments are so cute, and I’m gonna have a hard time paying attention.

Carly: I know, I might have to close the chat, so that I can actually look at my notes for this episode or I’m gonna just be like, “Everyone’s so adorable, oh my God!” So as you probably already know, To L and Back is an Autostraddle podcast where we recap every single episode of The L Word forever and ever.

Riese: A program, a TV program that we all like.

Carly: TV program.

Riese: And we also talk about ourselves.

Carly: We talk about ourselves, it’s great. You know what? I actually think we should address a fan question right now. Can we still call this a podcast, considering there’s a video component, Riese?

Riese: I think absolutely yes, because — actually, no, we can’t. This is a vodcast.

Carly: This is no longer a podcast. When you listen to this, our amazing producer, Lauren Klein, who is the reason this is all happening — everyone say, “Thank you, Lauren” — she’s gonna edit this into an actual episode that will go up Monday of next week, which is the 12th. So yeah, that’s the podcast.

Riese: Who knows what’ll happen by then?

Carly: Oh, probably Trump will be dead. Anyway, so we’ve got some really special guests that we’re gonna, oh my God. Look at all the “Thank you, Laurens,” this is too much. Okay, we have very special guests who we are going to introduce in a moment, but first, we wanted to just let y’all know that there is a little thing at the bottom that says, “Ask a question.” So if you have any questions, you can ask them and there should be some moments where we can answer some questions. There’s also a place there where you can become an A+ member of Autostraddle and a place where you can donate to Autostraddle and this podcast. And so, just wanted to point all of that out.

Mal: yeah, if you want to.

Carly: If you want, no pressure because this is just, we’re all just hanging out.

Riese: We’re chill. Everything’s great.

Carly: So chill. Okay, let’s introduce our amazing guests. Up first — because it’s complete chaos if everyone’s talking at the same time — so up first, we have the wonderful Gaby Dunn and Mal Blum.

Gaby: Hi! Hello, hello, hello!

Carly: Welcome back to the show!

Gaby: Thank you so much! Mal, God, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!

Mal: Yeah, what was your name again?

Gaby: Yeah, so I’m Gaby, we met like one time.

Mal: Oh right, you were super drunk and I was kinda rude, yeah.

Gaby: Right, right yeah.

Riese: Yeah, she was really, really into you.

Gaby: Yeah, I was into you, but you weren’t into it.

Mal: Sorry, yeah, that’s awkward that we’re meeting again like this.

Gaby: I know. Well, hopefully, maybe I’ll win your heart this time.

Mal: That’s a very bold thing to say to someone you’ve only met one time, but you know what? It is “The L Word,” let’s go.

Gaby: Will Mal fall in love with me by the end of this podcast? Who can say?

Riese: Hopefully, hopefully.

Carly: Maybe not. We also have coming up—

Riese: So were you guys like on — oh sorry.

Carly: No go ahead.

Riese: What?

Carly: Please go ahead.

Riese: So are you at opposite ends of your house?

Gaby: No.

Mal: I’m in the studio.

Gaby: Mal has a studio.

Riese: Okay.

Gaby: So I’m in the house and Mal’s in the studio and I’m gonna lock them out of the house.

Carly: Where’s Beans, where’s Beans?

Gaby: Beans is on the — So we bought a daybed. Well, everything in the house, Beans believes it is a bed for Beans.

Mal: And he’s right.

Gaby: So we got a daybed and he’s sitting on the bed, but pretty much every surface in the house is a bed for Beans. Beans is our Chihuahua, he’s very fat. We got him tested for all these things because he’s fat and balding and I spent so much money. And then, it turns out the answer was he’s fat and balding. $2,000 to find that out.

Mal: Yeah. The two doctors were like, “He absolutely has cushings.” And we were like, “Oh no, okay.” And then, we tested and they were like, “No, it turns out he just looks like this.” And we were like, “Okay!”

Carly: Wow, we’re off to a great start.

Mal: The chat would like to see Beans.

Carly: Yeah, this is definitely not gonna be an eight hour episode.

Riese: Well usually, in the beginning, we talk about how unhappy we are.

Mal: Are you unhappy, right now?

Riese: The state of the world, you know what I mean? Like how it’s not going very well, but also as you know, we got some good news recently. But in general, not a lot of good things have been happening.

Gaby: Yeah. I’ll say something nice, I’ll counteract it. Mal and I live together now, so that’s very cute.

Riese: Aw.

Gaby: That’s positive!

Riese: You’ll probably fall in love pretty soon then. It kind of just happens.

Gaby: I hope so.

Riese: You live in the same house, then you fall in love. There’s TV shows about it.

Gaby: Yeah, I hope so.

Mal: No, I think usually, it’s the opposite.

Riese: Oh.

Mal: You live together, and then people are repulsed by you, because they see you, they see you.

Riese: Because they see the real you.

Mal: Yeah

Riese: Counterpoint: Shenny.

Gaby: Yeah.

Mal: Shenny.

Gaby: No, Mal, maybe I’ll let you back in the house. I like you a whole lot, so you have a good chance.

Carly: Well, you know what? Everyone, stay tuned to find out if Gaby and Mal survive the next X amount of hours. The other amazing special guests we have who you can see watching us right now, are Brittani and Cerise. They are gonna be chiming in for the second half of the episode and we love them, and we will also make them talk about their dog when it’s their turn.

Riese: Yeah, everyone gets to talk.

Carly: Everyone, I haven’t even talked. I have two dogs, this is gonna take forever. All right. Riese. Should we talk about this episode?

Riese: Yeah, let’s do it. What’s the episode, Carly?

Carly: Oh my God, Riese, it’s episode 509 entitled, “Liquid Heat.”

Riese: Whoa! Whoa.

Carly: Which is the title of Nikki’s terrible movie that was in Episode 508. And I guess it’s like a nod to, the power’s out, everyone’s very sweaty and having a lot of sex, I guess?

Riese: Yes, mhm. It’s also, like if you boil water, then it’s really hot.

Mal: Oh yeah, yeah.

Riese: Do you know what I’m talking about?

Mal: Yeah, like evaporation.

Carly: This is the episode where everyone fucks.

Mal: Does anybody not fuck in this episode, or everybody fucks?

Carly: I think everybody.

Riese: Jodi.

Mal: Jodi, she tries. Yeah, she tried.

Gaby: Adele doesn’t.

Mal: Right.

Riese: Adele doesn’t, that’s true.

Gaby:Well, she gets kissed by accident. Accident.

Carly: By accident, we’ll get to that.

Mal: Yeah, accident.

Carly: This was written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Rose Troche, and originally aired March 2nd, 2008.

Gaby: Wow.

Carly: Wow, wow, wow. Riese, should we get into it?

Riese: Yeah, you already said Ilene Chaiken wrote it?

Carly: I sure did.

Riese: I just wanna say if by any chance Ilene Chaiken is here, that I would still like an invite to the pool and to make you an Every Plate meal.

Carly: All right, should we get into it?

Riese: Yeah, let’s get super into it.

Carly: Let’s get into it.

Riese: We open on the set of everybody’s favorite, least favorite film, “Lez Girls,” and we hear a voice over: “It’s 101 in the valley and 94 downtown,” to which I say…

Mal: Wait, that’s what it is today.

Carly: Yeah. I thought it was great that we were doing this episode during also a heatwave in LA.

Mal: But it’s not that hot.

Carly: No, it’s fine.

Riese: I mean, it’s practically like Michigan in November in this episode. God. So it’s very hot and also, there’s someone talking about wildfires.

Gaby: Hey! Oh my God.

Riese: I know. It’s so true to life so this is, in fact, the way the way that we live.

Mal: For real.

Riese: Because right now, it’s really hot. There are wildfires.

Gaby: It’s like someone in Toronto knew about LA.

Riese: Exactly, yeah.

Gaby: And then, wrote a show.

Riese: One person and that person was Ilene Chaiken. Uh-huh, or that the environmental problems that were already happening then are like—

Carly: Are like worse now.

Riese: But worse. Wow, anyway, so 94 downtown, it’s not that bad, but apparently, in this retro television program, it was pretty bad, so I’m glad we got that discussed. Also worth noting, this is the only time in the entire series when the changing of the seasons is addressed outside of the menstrual cycles. So it’s basically — we don’t have Christmas, we don’t have any holidays, we just have, we know that this scene is in a 94 degree day, which means it could be anytime between May and December.

Gaby: Yeah. Welcome to Los Angeles.

Carly: Oh, my God. A PA’s handing out water bottles on set. Everyone’s very sweaty. I love how sweaty everyone is in this episode. Like the person who had the spritzer, whose job was to spray every person—

Gaby: I was gonna say.

Carly: Before they rolled, they had so much to do this episode because everyone is dramatically wet. It’s so funny.

Riese: I love it. It was a good representation for hyperhidrosis.

Carly: Oh yay, that’s important.

Riese: Which I have, if any of you also have it.

Carly: Excited for you.

Riese: Then, you’re a really good representation for hyperhidrosis then.

Carly: Aw. So they—

Riese: Greg has an Elmo tattoo.

Carly: Greg, a grown adult man, has an Elmo tattoo on his ass.

Mal: Yeah, was that real or—

Carly: And the makeup won’t stick.

Mal: Or is that just for the character?

Riese: I was like, “Does Eric Mabius have a Elmo tattoo on his ass?” I don’t know.

Gaby: He probably does have an ass tattoo. They were just like, “What is the funniest thing we could say that you have as an ass tattoo?”

Riese: And this was shortly after Tickle Me Elmo. So it was probably really—

Carly: Really topical.

Gaby: That is not true.

Riese: I realized, I realized that as I was saying it. That’s not true.

Carly: Can we—

Mal: L stands for lies.

Carly: Is that your L word? Save that for later, Mal. Can we talk about the decor of this room? What is Tim’s, I’m sorry, was it Jim as fake Tim?

Riese: Yeah.

Carly: Played by Greg. Jim Greg’s bedroom is bowling themed? What? Who, outside of the age of seven, has a really themed bedroom?

Gaby: Well, I think it’s someone who’s like, “What do men like?” And then, they think and they’re like, “Bowling?”

Carly: But Jenny lived with Tim and he didn’t have a swimming themed bedroom.

Riese: Yeah.

Gaby: Oh! Well maybe they’re like, “Oh, he likes a sport.” And then, they were like, “Sport, sport, sport, think, think, think,” and then, they were like, “Bowling.”

Carly: “Uh, bowling!”

Gaby: Not too much of a masculine sport, a sport that everybody can play.

Mal: Gaby has a themed bedroom.

Gaby: I really don’t know. Shush!

Mal: Gaby has a themed office.

Gaby: Well, we moved in together and so, all of my movie posters have been relegated to this office to live in shame.

Mal: No.

Gaby: Because Mal doesn’t want me to have movie posters in the house.

Mal: How many movie posters do we have in the living room?

Gaby: We have three, but I wanted there to be five.

Mal: Okay, so we all compromised.

Riese: That’s love.

Gaby: That’s amore.

Riese: That, that is amore.

Gaby: It is amore.

Mal: Gaby, just so you know, the chat is saying that you should maybe hang back from your mic a little, little loud in the ear.

Gaby: Oh, okay, I wasn’t sure. Sometimes, when I’m doing my professional podcast, you have to lean closer. It’s called “Just Between Us.” There’s also one called “Bad With Money,” just in case you guys are wondering.

Mal: Wow, this has gone off the rails.

Carly: We’re not even out of the cold open yet.

Gaby: Go go go, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go back here.

Carly: Move back.

Gaby: I’m not gonna say a word. Not saying a word.

Riese: So speaking of amore, Nikki and Greg are supposed to be in bed together, but then, the lights go out and Tina’s like “Aghhh!” And then, we have the “Shit shit shit shit!”

Carly: Yeah, she loves that word.

Carly: She loves saying shit and fuck on the show.

Riese: Yeah.

Carly: Then, we have our theme song. And when we come back to set, the power’s back. It was like—

Riese: We have a lesbian.

Carly: Yes. I think she’s the AD.

Riese: Yeah, she’s like, “We should shoot while we can,” during rolling blackouts, so she’s very practical and she’s doing a fix. She’s doing a fix, they brought her in to do a fix and I respect it. There is some tension between Nikki and Jenny.

Carly: Yes, there is absolutely some tension. Also, Shane is ready for an earthquake. I just wanna point that out. Shane is like most of—

Riese: Bring it on, bitch.

Carly: “Bring it on, bitch” about an earthquake and I appreciate that. Yeah, so Jenny hates how the scene is going and she was trying to give them notes and she’s like, “You don’t wanna fuck this guy. That’s like the last thing you wanna do because you’re in love with Karina.” And Nikki’s like, “But he’s my boyfriend of three years. Why would I not wanna fuck him?” And so they have to have this entire notes conversation and then, they try again and then, she’s really angry. And now, Jenny’s like, “Oh, you fucked him in real life.” And she’s correct. What? How?

Riese: First of all, I have some notes for this film. Have they considered that while Jessie was in bed with Greg, Tim, Jim, whatever, on top of her, that when she looked up at his head, that suddenly it turned into Karina’s head.

Carly: Oh, interesting.

Gaby: I like that!

Mal: That happened on my screen.

Gaby: Well, here’s the thing. Jenny seems really upset about her reaction, but in the actual shot that she’s looking at on the monitor, you cannot see Nikki’s reaction.

Mal: You don’t.

Gaby: You cannot see her face at all. You just see his butt, so what is she upset about?

Mal: She didn’t like the butt’s attitude.

Carly: The butt was not reading the way she needed it to.

Gaby: I completely forgot that the names are so similar and I was like, “This is me if I ever write a script about all of us, it’s just fully—

Carly: Oh my God, wait, what are our names? What are our names if you write a script about us? Tell us now, on the spot.

Gaby: Like, Niese, Barly, Sal, you know what I mean?

Carly: Barly, Barly.

Mal: Harley, Harley is a real name and you went with Barly?

Gaby: Oh, Harley.

Carly: Nope. Nope, sorry, Barly’s it.

Gaby: I didn’t think about it that hard.

Carly: We are keeping Barly.

Gaby: And then, well, Brittani and I wrote something together and I just named a character straight up, Brittani. Like I didn’t even change it.

Mal: Spelled the same too?

Gaby: Spelled the same, yeah, whatever. Sue me, you can’t.

Carly: Brittani can sue you.

Gaby: No.

Carly: Brittani’s going to sue you.

Gaby: But I just think like, that’s so funny. Like you’re not even trying.

Riese: No.

Gaby: It’s beautiful.

Carly: No, Jenny hasn’t made a single effort.

Gaby: Now as people who work in Hollywood, do you think that this is an accurate portrayal of a set?

Carly: No, not at all.

Gaby: I don’t either.

Carly: This is the most unprofessional workplace I’ve ever seen.

Mal: Well, this is my question and I asked Gaby and Drew, and nobody had the answer for me, but if there were rolling blackouts, would they keep rolling because that seems like an insurance liability, right?

Gaby: I don’t think they would keep shooting.

Carly: I don’t either. I don’t either. There’s not enough generators to power everything, you know?

Gaby: Well also, Jenny wouldn’t be directing this. She’s a first time director, she’s a queer woman.

Carly: Girl, we have talked about this ad nauseum, about how the most unrealistic part of the show is that Jenny got to direct this movie.

Gaby: Yeah, it’s ridiculous. So anyway, it’s not really an accurate set, but what are you gonna do?

Riese: Then Jenny’s like, “It is a violent, despicable act.” And then also, she says, “It’s a violent and despicable act to fuck your co-star.” It’s even worse than fucking your employee, apparently?

Carly: She made this announcement loudly in the middle of the set in front of everybody.

Jenny scolding Niki on the set of Lez Girls

Mal: But everybody fucks their co-stars, right?

Riese: Yeah, I mean, look at … straight people?

Mal: I watched Brokeback Mountain yesterday.

Gaby: Did you just say, “Look at, uh, straight people?”

Riese: Here’s who I was thinking of….. I know these. Jennifer, no — Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt met on the set of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”

Gaby: Okay.

Riese: Exactly, it happens, and you know what? I think probably people, I don’t know, who knows what they were doing on this set. Other sets that we know about, but also, so another funny thing about this. So Jenny fires him, which is funny because the original Tim was fired, but for not a very different reason.

Mal: What?

Carly: Oh, that’s right. The first Tim, before they reached out the pilot, right? Is that what you’re talking about?

Mal: Wasn’t it Eric Mabius?

Carly: No, before. Wasn’t someone else cast before Eric Mabius?

Riese: There was someone before Eric.

Carly: Mubias, Eric maybe, yeah.

Mal: May-bius? There was another Tim?!

Carly: I believe so, back when the show was called “Earthlings,” I think there was another Tim.

Riese: No, there was another Tim.

Gaby: It was Leonardo DiCaprio, but he got busy. He had to shoot The Beach.

Riese: You wanna know the truth?

Carly: Yeah.

Gaby: What, tell us.

Riese: He got in trouble, I think for, I wanna say, oh God, I can’t get this wrong on a live show. Do you know, Cerise? I think it was statutory rape.

Mal: Yikes.

Gaby: Someone in the chat says yeah.

Mal: Also, the chat is like, “Why are Brittani and Cerise not talking?” They’re the second half of the show.

Gaby: We’re gonna switch off.

Mal: And then, me and Gaby will go away.

Riese: You’ll still be there, but muted.

Mal: Yeah.

Carly: So, how ’bout we go to the second scene of the episode, guys?

Riese: Okay, yeah.Phyllis’ office on a hot day. A hot day for Phyllis.

Carly: Whoa, it’s a scorcher.

Riese: A scorcher, Joyce is dressed like Roger Rabbit and Phyllis is fanning herself, as one does.

Carly: Joyce — she’s just wearing a tank top and pants now. She’s just taking off her clothes.

Riese: Mhmm. Yeah well, she’s warm. Everyone’s a little warm.

Carly: Well, I think the theme of this episode is that everyone’s a little warm.

Riese: Right, “Liquid Heat.” Anyway, they crushed it in court. And as usual, Phyllis, instead of parenting her own child, would like to just thrust a lesbian she knows in front of her child because Molly’s having second thoughts about law school, and so she should meet Joyce. And Joyce will definitely make her wanna go back to law school.

Carly: Yeah, that’s inspiring.

Riese: Okay.

Carly: Then, Phyllis tries to get back with Joyce, a little bit. She’s like, “Oh, if I hadn’t been so foolish…” And then, I wrote this whole quote down, because I thought you would wanna hear it, Riese.

Riese: I do wanna hear it.

Carly: Joyce: “It’s understandable, given that we just had this little triumph together and given how smoldering hot the two of us were in the sack, it’s understandable that you might be feeling a tiny bit amorous towards me right now. I’m just trying to stand by my convictions here, my dear, but you are making it awfully difficult in that sweet little slip of a frock.” Incredible stuff.

Joyce telling Phyllis that she is sitting on her shirt

Gaby: Is this a bad time to say that Joyce reminds me of my therapist?

Carly: No, this seems like the best time to say that.

Mal: I could see that.

Gaby: Like a lot, right? Well yeah, it’s funny that Jane Lynch has gone from this kind of stuff to hosting game shows for middle America. When she’s got such strong top energy and then, everyone’s just like, Glee. And I’m like, “You don’t even have any concept.”

Carly: You know what I’ll say? And this is one of those, “I shouldn’t say this on a live show, but I’m gonna say it.” Ever since the wine cave incident, she kinda went down an Ellen path.

Gaby: Oh, no no no, she was very mean to my ex girlfriend. We do not like her.

Mal: I met her once, she was quite nice to me. I don’t know what the wine cave event is, though.

Gaby: She said that everyone has a wine cave, okay?

Carly: And that it was fine.

Gaby: Pete Buttigieg is fine.

Riese: What’s a wine cave?

Mal: Sometimes, that’s what I call my butt hole, so—

Gaby: The wine cave?

Carly: Yeah, yeah.

Mal: What is she talking about?

Riese: Yeah, who doesn’t want a wine bottle in the butt hole? Everyone wants that.

Gaby: Jane Lynch, I challenge you to a top off. Put up your dukes, gentlemen.

Carly: Are you gonna fight Jane Lynch, Gaby?

Gaby: I’ll fight her, yes.

Mal: No, not again.

Carly: Oh wow, I would love that.

Gaby: I will fight her. I don’t have anything to lose. I’m a controversial figure. I’ll fight her right now.

Mal: Gaby, you have to stop fighting people from Glee.

Carly: So we go to The Planet.

Riese: Where Alice and Tasha are bringing ice.

Carly: Yeah, we got some bags of ice, very exciting. Every time they’re at The Planet, we get some exciting exposition about what’s going on.

Riese: Yeah, what’s the exposition this time?

Carly: This big event is the showdown with the SheBar bitches, as the character would say, in the scene. Did they say SheBitches, right?

Kit at The Planet

Riese: Uh-huh, yeah.

Carly: It’s very funny. So I guess the SheBar gals have invited the whole cast to come and sit down and have a little chit chat, despite really, it just being a thing they wanted to talk to Kit about, but the whole group. Whole group gets to go, everybody’s goin’.

Riese: Because it’s funnier that way.

Gaby: It’s fun! It’s like a little mob thing, like it’s cute. This show likes to skip genres, ya know?

m I like when it’s self referential in the—

Riese: Yeah.

Mal: Alice is like, “Yeah, well we met one time, but I guess I’m going,” you know?

Carly: Yeah, so she’s like, “I’ll be there.”

Riese: The other thing about this scene is that Tasha looked really cute.

Carly: Yeah.

Mal: Mm.

Gaby: And Cindi’s look is a reference to Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, right?

Riese: You’re skipping ahead.

Carly: We’re not on that scene yet, Gaby.

Gaby: Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, I’m sorry, oh, I’m sorry.

Carly: You’re jumping ahead, a little bit.

Riese: Mal’s face.

Carly: So we’re back at set and Tina yells at Jenny because she fired Greg and she’s like, “Please don’t fire Greg, you need to un-fire Greg.” And then, Adele has orchestrated William to call and ask Jenny to un-fire Greg. Is that an accurate reading of the situation? Adele is still scamming, scamming around.

Riese: Yeah, she’s jumping in and saving the day, just like scammers always do.

Carly: Gotta love the sell, just always gotta save the day.

Riese: Always there to save the day and then, Jenny’s like, “Has anyone seen the dumbshit actor boy?” And then she’s like — I actually related to this moment. She’s like, “I can tell that everyone’s talking about me right now. Listen to me. I’m sorry I lost my temper, he’s no longer fired.” And also, I had a question about the scene, which is why is everyone wearing pants if it’s so hot?

Carly: Yeah, that’s a good question.

Gaby: That is true. Well on a set, isn’t it because it’s dangerous if you’re not wearing pants?

Carly: That’s just a close toed shoes situation.

Gaby: Close toed shoes.

Carly: Yeah.

Gaby: I work in Hollywood, so—

Mal: I mean, they’d all be wearing shorts and docs, right?

Gaby: Yeah.

Carly: Yeah, exactly.

Gaby: It’s very unprofessional that she fired him in front of everybody, right? But that, I guess directors are allowed to be nuts. That’s sort of what we’ve all decided? But not lady directors. Only male directors are allowed to be nuts.

Carly: Yeah, that’s fair.

Riese: That’s fair.

Carly: That is fair. Jenny has been unprofessional since day one of this project. So her firing someone in the middle of screaming at her girlfriend, who is the lead, is pretty par for the course. Like none of this is that shocking, given her pattern of behavior, but no, this is very bad.

Jenny announcing to her crew that Greg is un-fired

Riese: I would say if Jenny wasn’t fucking Nikki, that Nikki and Greg’s decision to fuck each other would be unprofessional enough that maybe, Jenny could be unprofessional in return.

Gaby: Like Jenny has a leg to stand on.

Carly: Zero legs.

Gaby: Zero legs to stand on.

Riese: Zero legs and they’re both in pants, both of her legs. Both of Jenny’s legs are in pants, and I think she’s probably very hot, because she’s wearing all black. Maybe she has hyperhidrosis.

Carly: Oh, maybe.

Riese: Anyway, speaking of pools of sweat, we go to Bette’s swimming pool, where Jodi’s just gonna walk in like Ophelia and—

Carly: I loved that. I was like, “Great, perfect.”

Riese: So hot.

Carly: Just walk right into the pool with your clothes on. I love it.

Riese: She pulls a real Virginia Woolf.

Carly: Rocks in her pockets.

Gaby: I’ve done that. I’ve done that, though.

Riese: Did you find your clothes to be very heavy afterwards?

Gaby: Yes.

Carly: It’s hard to then get your clothes off.

Gaby: How are you gonna be like a dramatic teen living in south Florida if you don’t walk straight into the pool in a haze of sadness, believing yourself to be the lead in a Sylvia Plath novel?

Mal: I don’t think Jodi was sad.

Gaby: No, she was just hot.

Carly: No, she was just warm.

Mal: She was just hot.

Gaby: And she’s hot, she’s good lookin’.

Carly: I went swimming in clothes when I was in Orlando in college, so that’s just a Florida thing.

Gaby: Carly, do you remember this conversation we had where I said, “Oh my God, I used to shoplift.” Oh, you said, “I used to work at an Urban Outfitters in Orlando,” and I said, “Oh my God, that’s so funny. I used to shoplift from there.” Do you remember that?

Carly: I do. I do.

Gaby: It was so beautiful.

Carly: I know.

Gaby: And now, we’re friends with each other.

Carly: I know. I had a friend at the time who shoplifted from the Urban Outfitters I worked in, while I was on the clock and I had no idea. And if he had gotten caught, I would have gotten fired.

Gaby:Well, you didn’t know me. So you wouldn’t have gotten fired. But we would have met each other a long time ago, like in Lost where they kind of know each other, but then, they like are on the plane, but they don’t remember.

Carly: Wait Gaby, what if that’s how we met? Like I was the manager and it was part of my job that I had to call the cops and report you for shoplifting after I caught you and then, that’s how we met and became friends?

Mal: Was that part of your job?

Gaby: And then, we’re married. What part of this do we end up married?

Mal: They didn’t really care, right?

Carly: All parts of it.

Mal: They really made you call the cops?

Carly: Yes, Mal, they did. Anyway, .

Gaby: Not if we take off running.

Carly: That’s true, if you took off running, they wouldn’t want me to risk my life.

Gaby: They can’t catch you.

Carly: Falling down and injuring myself, which I would have done. So anyway, where are we? Oh yeah, at the pool.

Riese: We’re at the pool and Bette said they canceled classes at wherever, California, Carly University.

Carly: Carly University.

Riese: Who calls? It’s Tina and so Bette goes to her freezer and then covers herself in ice cream with her top off. And then, she’s like, “Tina, we can’t go to SheBar together.” And she was like, “We’ll just die. We’ll take each other’s clothes off if we’re both at SheBar,” and then she’s like, “My clothes are already off.” And then, it’s low-key dirty talk, I think. And then, Tina says that Angie made a fan, which is obviously a cover for the fact that Angie is missing and no one has seen her. And then—

Bette in pearls with her blouse open, standing in front of her open freezer to get cooler

Carly: Like where is Angie? Is she okay, where is she?

Riese: With a fan.

Mal: I don’t know, she’s probably with Helena’s kids, somewhere.

Riese: Probably. Bette’s like, “You can come over to my pool.” And Tina’s like, “No, I can’t.” Again, covering. And then, Bette tells Jodi that they’re gonna go see Dan Foxworthy.

Carly: He’s the only therapist in West Hollywood, apparently.

Riese: They could be going to Gaby’s therapist, Jane Lynch.

Gaby: Yeah, Kristen, my lesbian therapist who one time, she said to me, “I see a lot of Hollywood lesbians.” That’s what she said, so maybe she’s Jane Lynch’s therapist.

Carly: That would be a real moment.

Mal: That’s gonna be a real conflict once you and Jane Lynch get into a fist fight.

Carly: Get into a blood feud with Jane Lynch. So Bette’s like, “Hey Jodi, we’re having parenting disagreements. We have to go to therapy.” and Jodi’s like, “Good for you!” But she meant it legitimately because she wants Bette to take care of her mental health. And really, once again, I would just like to ask Jodi to get the fuck out of there because these people are terrible to her and she doesn’t know what’s coming.

Gaby: She’s the best and she’s so pretty.

Carly: I know, so we’re back on set and Tina heads on to the old camera truck to tell Sam that they’re gonna shut down production for the day, which they probably shoulda done a while ago. Then, she asks Sam out and Sam’s like, “Nah, that dinner party was very awkward.” It was.

Gaby: The two healthy people, Jodi and Jodi.

Mal: Sam and Jodi!

Gaby: Sam and Jodi.

Mal: Sam and Jodi get together.

Carly: They get to get together.

Riese: Yeah, yes, Sam could get right out of that bandana and into a pool.

Carly: Exactly.

Gaby: Yeah, Sam’s hot too.

Carly: Yeah, so Tina does this thing. Yeah, she just unloads everything on Sam and Sam is like, “I really would love to not be in this conversation.” And she’s like, “I just really feel for Jodi,” which was the best thing she could have possibly said. Tina’s like, “Okay, bye!” That’s the extent. Like she can’t, no, she’s out. What happened?

Tina telling Sam that she is seeing a therapist with Bette, in a trailer on the set of Lez girls

Gaby: It’s so startling when you see healthy people on this show that it almost seems jarring.

Carly: Yeah, yeah.

Riese: Mhm.

Gaby: Like when people make a—

Mal: And you’re like, “You’re not on the right show.”

Gaby: Yeah, when people make a good decision or say something reasonable, I’m like what? Look at this fuckin’ show.

Carly: Get out, wrong set. We see Jenny run up to Nikki’s trailer, but Nikki is already gone for the day. We go back to Bette’s backyard.

Riese: They’re awkward.

Carly: Jodi flings her wet hair all over Bette, who’s sitting on a chair, and Bette hates it. And then, Jodi wants them to do it and Bette is like, “No, it’s too hot out,” and Jodi’s like “No, that’s not it.” And I was like, “Here we go.”

Gaby: Yeah.

Riese: Like you could feel it. We’ve all been there. Not exactly, but—

Mal: When you’re like , where you’re getting cranky or like, “Don’t touch me,” that thing? Or where you’re like, “I know you’re lying about something.”

Carly: Both.

Riese: Both.

Carly: But it never happened at my pool because I’ve never had a pool, so I feel like if it was happening at a pool, then maybe, I would feel less bad about it because I’d be like, “It’s okay because I could be swimming anytime I want.”

Jodi kissing Bette while they are both wet from the pool

Riese: Yeah, one time, I had a boyfriend who cheated on me with a lifeguard at the pool that he was a lifeguard at.

Carly: Oof.

Gaby: Lifeguard on lifeguard crime?

Carly: Yeah.

Riese: Yeah, she was a really good swimmer.

Carly: They’re supposed to be saving lives, not ruining them. What?

Riese: I can barely swim, whatever. Okay.

Gaby: Carly!

Riese: And then, Bette turns away and said — this is so mean — she turns away and is like, “I’m in love with Tina.” Of course, Jodi doesn’t hear what she said. And then, Bette lies and is like, “I’m just unhappy with work,” which isn’t—

Carly: That was horrible, because she did her dirty.

Gaby: This is so rough.

Carly: That is brutal, that is so fucked to do that. To say how you really feel facing away from her? Fuck you, Bette.

Mal: Yeah.

Carly: That is so low.

Gaby: Yeah, that’s very, very—

Carly: “I’m stressed out about work.”

Riese: Horrible.

Mal: The way I read that scene is that she does it by accident, unthinking. However, somebody wrote that scene, so that sucks.

Carly: Right, yeah. Whether she did it on purpose or not, someone wrote it into the script.

Mal: Yes.

Riese: I have a theory.

Mal: Go on.

Gaby: What?

Riese: It’s that they wrote it so that they could use it in the teaser, the week before.

Mal: Oh.

Carly: Yeah.

Gaby: Spot on.

Carly: Well-played.

Gaby: Spot on.

Riese: I’m so smart.

Carly: You did it.

Gaby: You are smart.

Carly: You did it, Riese, you solved television.

Riese: I did it! Anyway, Jodi’s like, “I want you back,” which is a really good song. And then, we go back to set, where Jenny’s sitting outside her trailer, she’s writing a note to Nikki. Hopefully, it’s about her entrails. And then she gives it to Adele to give to Nikki, which is terrible idea.

Carly: Very bad idea.

Riese: And then, Shane’s like, “Come over here.” And then, they sit together and again, this little scene shows up in a lot of Shenny fan vids.

Carly: Number one Shenny fan, Riese, there.

Gaby: Link in the description for all the Shenny fan vids that Riese wants you guys to watch. The link in the description.

Mal: I was never a big Shenny fan, with them together, but watching this scene, I was like, “I wonder if those actors ever hooked up? Because they do have a chemistry.

Riese: Oo.

Carly: They do have a chemistry, I’ll give them that.

Gaby: Probably.

Riese: Probably, everyone on sets hooks up.

Gaby: Yeah, it would be disgusting and unprofessional.

Carly: So yeah, she wants Adele to put the note in an envelope, read it first, and then give it to Nikki. This is a terrible idea.

Jenny sitting outside of a Lez Girls trailer showing Adele a love letter she wrote

Gaby: Yeah, so if I was gonna write a love letter to someone, I would not give it to a go-between, like it’s fucking medieval times. And then, like, have you ever heard of an email?

Mal: Y’all have cell phones. Yeah, you’ve got cell phones.

Gaby: Have you ever heard of cell phone?

Carly: Or text.

Gaby: So weird. Like, go to their house and leave it on their doorstep. Why are you giving this to someone else? A, they’re gonna read it. B, they’ll probably fuck with it somehow.

Mal: This is the thing about Adele, is they don’t see her as a person.

Gaby: Right, like she’s just an assistant, but even then—

Carly: Yeah.

Mal: That’s what proves to be the, they kind of arrange their own demise.

Carly: Exactly.

Carly: Because they just treat her like she’s not a person and then—

Riese: Adele’s devotion to her, because of her fandom also. So Jenny says she doesn’t wanna go to SheBar. She wants to wait for Nikki, but she’ll go with Shane. She asked what Shane would do and Shane’s like, “I would probably have meaningless sex and then feel bad about it,” which was a cute little convo. And then, Shane says that she’s got a straight girl crush that won’t go away. Wahhh. That’s the sound I like to make. It’s just also the sound of like a dying duck.

Shane and Jenny sitting outside the trailer at Lez Girls

Carly: Oh, my God. Okay, so here we go. It’s the big SheBar mafia scene.

Gaby: So awesome.

Carly: Honestly, this was wonderful. I would like to say, as a note, I watched this during the day. And so considering the power is out, I could barely see any of the scenes in this episode. It was mostly—

Riese: Yeah, that’s how felt about “Little Women,” it was very dark, I couldn’t see it.

Gaby: I feel like I’m very old because there’s some shows I just cannot watch because the screen is too dark. Daredevil, couldn’t get into Daredevil. Ozark, very dark.

Riese: Yeah, Ozark is really dark, it’s either blue or dark. And also, it’s like—

Gaby: Yeah, this is my complaint. If you’re making a television show, if it’s too dark, I can’t watch it.

Mal: But you love David Fincher.

Gaby: I do.

Carly: His stuff is lit, it’s lit.

Gaby: It’s lit.

Carly: I don’t mean that in a cool teen way. I mean, literally, he spends a lot of time on lighting. Anyway, so there’s—

Riese: Has hired these women in white tank tops.

Carly: Yes.

Riese: Low shorts and fedoras.

Mal: Yeah.

Riese: Which I feel is an accurate lesbian go-go dancer look. And they’re bringing a little tray of beverages, like this is business class or something. For some reason, some people had ordered hot espressos, even though it’s a warm day.

Carly: 900 degrees?

Gaby: Right.

Carly: They have to see if they’re on the list. They—

Riese: Pat them.

Carly: They like, pat them down for weapons? Like what is this? And there’s cigars, I mean, it’s a whole thing. So Dawn thinks that she and Lover Cindi are the real victims here and that this is all Shane’s fault for seducing Lover Cindi. And Shane’s like—

Gaby: That’s so dumb.

Riese: Honestly, this reminded me of arguing with somebody who is making you miserable because they refuse to acknowledge a reality of a situation. And you’re just having the same arguments over and over and over again.

Carly: Yeah.

Riese: She’s like, “That’s not what happened.” And she’s like, “That is what happened.” And it’s really just deeply painful, but what I was really wondering was what was Cindi’s hair, do you think, an homage to?

Gaby: Oh, thank you so much! Okay, here we go, guys. It’s Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.

Riese: Oh.

Gaby: Or Drew Barrymore in Scream.

rRiese: Oh, or what about—

Mal: I don’t think it’s an homage to Drew Barrymore in Scream.

Gaby: I think it is and I’ll tell you why. Beause it’s scary.

Carly: Oh, my God. Okay, so—

Gaby: Are you saying that because you know that it’s an homage to Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, and I’m being obvious?

Mal: No, I’ve actually never seen Scarface, but I have seen Scream.

Carly: I haven’t, I haven’t.

Riese: Same, same as Mal.

Gaby: Oh.

Mal: Yeah.

Gaby: I thought you were making fun of me for saying something obvious. But I see now, you were making fun of me for saying something obscure. Okay. That’s fine, either one, I’m used to it.

Mal: I don’t think anyone was making fun of you.

Carly: Are you guys gonna break up? I don’t wanna be a part of it.

Gaby: No, we’re great.

Carly: Okay, so here’s what’s up. Dawn claims that they did not have permits to be shooting in the neighborhood they were shooting in — several episodes ago when she came to set to shut them down. And I think that that is undoubtedly bullshit, that this studio film would not have had permits to be shooting in a neighborhood.

Mal: Also like, what a turd, you called the cops, like what are you?

Carly: She showed up to set. She showed up to set, angrily.

Riese: Yeah, and this one gay extra.

Mal: Oh, no, they called the cops on the cafe.

Riese: Yeah. No, Kit called the cops.

Carly: No, Kit called the cops on them to retaliate on them, unleashing a bunch of rats into The Planet and having them be shut down for two weeks. I just made that up. I don’t know how many weeks they were down.

Riese: Yeah, it was a while.

Carly: Significant.

Riese: But this scene is filled with iconic dialogue that Lauren will put into the podcast.

Carly: Indeed.

Riese: But I guess, she can’t put it in right now. So I guess we’ll just have to tell you about it, which is Shane’s like, “Let your girlfriend talk.” And then Dawn’s like, “She’s got nothing to say.” And then Cindi’s like, “Go fuck yourself.” And then Shane’s like, “See, I thought that was something.”

Cindi in a wig tells Dawn to go fuck herself

Mal: Great, Shane.

Riese: They’re like, “Who are you?” to Tasha and Kit’s like, “Tasha’s here to kick ass and take names.” And then, there’s chaos, and then, Bette Porter is like, “Enough.” She stands up.

Carly: She stands up.

Riese: And everyone else sits down.

Carly: Bette Porter is now standing. Everyone’s sitting and Bette Porter is pacing around the room.

Riese: Mans the room.

Mal: Hot.

Riese: Yeah, she’s pacing. She’s gonna mediate this conflict.

Carly: Is this a meeting-wide top-off?

Riese: Yes.

Mal: Well no, she won immediately.

Carly: Well, she stood up and everybody else was sitting down. So she’s—

Mal: Yeah so she won the top-off. Yeah. But then, she makes the worst deal.

Carly: Of all time.

Mal: Yeah.

Riese: Yeah, they gave up too much in this deal.

Carly: This is a terrible deal.

Mal: What did Kit get? Kit got nothing.

Carly: Nothing.

Riese: Kit got the promise, or not the promise, but the expectation they would not attempt to further unleash animals in her establishment, or otherwise terrorize her. I would have given up on my entire business if I had been in that endless fight that her and Shane were having, it would have driven me nuts. So I don’t know. But they split up the days, like this is like a divorce.

Carly: Hollywood lesbian scene.

Gaby: Can I just say, I would kill for there to be two different lesbian establishments in West Hollywood. Are you kidding me!?

Carly: Or anywhere.

Gaby: There’s not even one. We get the chapel at The Abbey and that’s full of YouTubers who hate me.

Mal: That sounds like a personal problem.

Carly: Yeah, that does sound like more of a Gaby thing.

Gaby: I’m just saying two?! That would be amazing.

Carly: It would be.

Gaby: I want that to happen for us.

Carly: We don’t have any lesbian bars.

Gaby: We don’t have anything.

Carly: I mean, we can’t go anywhere, but you know if we did, it would be nice to have a lesbian bar—

Riese: Yeah, if this were taking place in 2019, they’d be like, “Okay, you get the first Sunday in June and I’ll take the first Sunday in July,” because there’s really only 12 days a year that need to be split up. But here they are, seven days a week of lesbians, even though most of them are probably just actors who are in the show. Anyway, so Cindi also would like to be in the film and Jenny’s like—

Carly: This is part of the negotiation.

Riese: She has a Facebook extra, which is funny. And then, Jenny is like, “She’s psycho and tacky. What do I do?” And Shane’s like, “Just give her a little part.” And so Cindi will be “party goer number four.”

Carly: Which fucking Cindi agrees, to which I was shocked by. I thought she was gonna be like, “A role with a number in it? No, I’m not taking that,” but she did. So she’s an idiot, but it’s great.

Riese: It was great.

Carly: It was great.

Mal: Mia Kirshner is so adorable in this episode.

Riese: Isn’t she?

Carly: She’s amazing in this scene. Like, she’s just like, so funny in the scene.

Mal: She’s such a comedic actress.

Gaby: Mal, the whole time, you were saying how cute she looks. You have a very big crush on her in her little black outfit with her big earrings.

Jenny whispers to Shane "I think she's psychotic." Close up on Jenny's face.

Mal: Oh yeah and the glasses, sometimes.

Riese: Yeah.

Gaby: Yeah, that’s a good vibe.

Mal: She’s a boss.

Carly: They try to leave. They try to leave and Dawn’s like, “I’m not done, I need Alice now.” So everyone’s involved, this is why she invited everybody. “Well, I need Alice to shout out SheBar on The Look.”

Riese: Yeah and Alice is like, “No, that’s worth millions of dollars.” And then, they’re like—

Carly: Exactly.

Riese: But I have a question because we mention SheBar on our podcast all the time, and what have we gotten out of that?

Carly: That’s true.

Mal: Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Riese: That’s true.

Mal: And Dawn Denbo isn’t putting rats into your apartment.

Carly: Oh my God, if Dawn Denbo brought rats to my apartment, I would be so mad at Dawn Denbo.

Gaby: Did you ever have a rat as a pet? I did.

Carly: No, that sounds like a Florida thing.

Gaby: It is.

Riese: My little brother did. He had two white rats as pets and they had red eyes and then, they had an allergic reaction to something and they scratched off their own eyeballs. So their eyeballs were bleeding, but my brother still didn’t wanna get rid of them. But then eventually, I went to summer camp and my dad sent me drawings he did of the rats losing their eyeballs. And then eventually, by the time I got back from summer camp, they were dead.

Gaby: Sometimes, Riese, I’m like, “You get me. You and I are the same, you get me.”

Carly: That was incredible. All right, so that all worked out. They have a deal, they shake on it. And then miraculously, the power comes back on at this exact moment. And then someone’s like, “Did you decorate this in the 80s?” Which now it would be cute.

Lights are on in the meeting room and someone asks if it was decorated in the 80s. Focus on Shane in a blue t-shirt looking confused.

Carly: Oh my God, we go—

Riese: The running bit. But the running bit continues, which is Cindi being like, “Hi, Shane.”

Carly: Oh yeah. That’s a good bit, I enjoy that bit. So we go back to The Planet. There’s no AC at The Planet, but the power’s back on, and Alice really wants to film her podcast video interview with Max.

Gaby: Oh no. Put on your seat belts, everyone.

Carly: So in recent episodes, it’s been really nice, the past few episodes.

Riese: Mmhm.

Carly: It’s been nice there’s been no transphobia, but that’s because Max hasn’t been in the last three episodes.

Riese: He had a short scene in one of the episodes and in the other two episodes, he just wasn’t there at all, which was very good for him.

Carly: It was great for him, I hope he was hanging out with some people who like him, and understand him, and aren’t terrible to him. So Max is back and this scene is a real fucking nightmare. Also, you should note that Shane is operating the camera. This will become important in a moment and—

Mal: Operating the camera.

Carly: Yeah, exactly.

Riese: Shane has no idea what she’s doing and although it happens a little bit later, it is worth noting that this is an accurate representation of what a video camera did look like at that time, including the effects available for usage while filming.

Carly: Yes, that is accurate in 2008.

Riese: They’re doing a apology video because—

Carly: Just like Michael Scott.

Mal: For the podcast.

Gaby: It’s just every YouTuber sitting, crying, being like—

Carly: Well, Gaby’s not nearly as good at this as YouTubers of today, because she’s not crying and she’s deeply insincere.

Gaby: I never apologize.

Mal: You apologize.

Gaby: I won’t apologize.

Carly: I’m gonna find a situation where you have to apologize. I’m gonna personally create—

Gaby: No, they’ve happened a bunch of times.

Mal: She apologizes all the time, yeah.

Riese: Alice says that, apparently, she won’t even say it. She won’t even admit to doing it. She’ll say, “Apparently,” she said some uncool things about trans people, but apparently also, she didn’t really give a shit that she’d said uncool things about trans people until Kate Kendall from the National Center for Lesbian Rights, got mad at her about it.

Gaby: I don’t understand why they have her doing this, and then looking so annoyed to be doing it. It’s like a manifestation of the writers themselves, being annoyed to be having to do it. And since Alice is the main character that we’ve come to know, like we’re supposed to be in on the joke with her. We’re supposed to also be rolling our eyes and being like, “Ugh. This is so PC and stupid.”

Carly: Exactly.

Gaby: We’re supposed to be on Alice’s side, even though in this scene, it’s clearly Max who’s in the right.

Carly: 100%

Mal: Well, that’s something that happened all the time in that season, where they would put transphobic comments in Alice’s mouth, in pretty much everyone’s mouth.

Carly: Kit, Bette.

Mal: Some of the most loved characters, you know?

Carly: Yeah.

Mal: And that’s what was weird because I kept waiting for the teaching moment and then, I was like, “Oh, I guess not.”

Carly: I was really happy that Max was telling Alice how he felt and making a lot of really good points about how he would think that she would be inclusive. Then, she gets into this whole thing about how being bisexual is more natural than being trans.

Gaby: Can I say something? Can I say something? People say that and then, they think that bi trans people don’t exist.

Carly: Right, exactly.

Gaby: They’re like, “You know, the bis and the transes,” and I’m like, “Those are the same. Those can be the same, those are the same.”

Carly: Never the twain shall meet.

Gaby: And I also — I just don’t understand the whole thing. So she’s annoyed and Shane also doesn’t care and is like not caring about where the camera is and stuff. They’re all just put upon by having to care about trans people.

Carly: Yes, yes.

Gaby: Like, “Ugh, it’s so exhausting.”

Mal: It also went from like okay, if you had stayed longer on that scene, because they were talking about, she’s like, “Okay, the parts of the community…” and blah, blah, blah. Like they could have some discourse about what parts of the community, blah, blah, blah. But then out of nowhere, she was just like, “I don’t know, I just think you’re unnatural.” What the fuck?

Riese: Yeah.

Mal: No transition into that.

Gaby: Max stands up for himself, but he’s also a pushover. So he doesn’t really fight back. He kinda does, but not, he’s just not a fiery personality.

Carly: No.

Mal: And he’s an outsider to the group.

Carly: Yes, absolutely. Still, after all this time, he is still an outsider to this group.

Riese: So we cut away really quick to Bette bringing up drinks for her and Tina, Kit suspecting something’s up with that. And then, we go back to the show and Max is saying, “Well, at least Alice is a better boss” than his boss at In Tech Mode.

Mal: The fish nor fowl guy?

Riese: What?

Mal: Is that the fish nor fowl guy?

Riese: Oh no, that was—

Carly: No, that was his coworker. So I wanna say something about Shane with the camera and how Shane fucking around with this camera, all you had to do was make sure it was, you didn’t need to move the camera. You just needed to make sure it was rolling. So by fucking around with the camera, changing all the settings, zooming in on boobs at another table and some girl’s terrible tattoo.

Riese: That tattoo!

Carly: By doing all this, Shane has completely de-legitimized everything that Max is saying. So now, the audience watching this, not only is hearing Alice’s put upon, bullshit, nonexistent apology. They’re also seeing that Shane doesn’t give a shit. And so in the context of the treatment of Max on the show, this is beyond insulting and it almost feels like the writers of the show themselves trying to fake apologize for how they’ve treated Max for all these years, and it’s garbage, and I hate it, and it’s just absolutely gross.

Mal: I didn’t even think about that, that makes so much sense.

Riese: And also, it feels like they don’t think the scene was important enough on its own, like they had to add a joke to it, they had to put this Shane with the camera joke on top of it because they actually didn’t really want people to be paying attention to it or to get anything out of it.

Carly: Yeah, exactly.

Riese: They needed an extra joke, like having Max trying to talk about trans inclusion while they’re filming, it’s so… tacky.

Shot of Max through the video camera, for which Shane is employing special effects

Carly: It’s gross, it’s super tacky and I would want to encourage everyone who hasn’t to watch Disclosure on Netflix, because there’s a really incredible section in disclosure where they talk about The L Word and the terribly problematic representation of Max on the show, and one of the things that is pointed out in the documentary, which I was like, “Oh duh, of course,” is just that the show and the writers on the show are coming from a place of like, “We are cis lesbians and this is our view on things.” And so it’s through that lens that we see Max and this scene is such a great representation of how problematic that can be.

Riese: Yeah. Every scene with Max in it is a great representation.

Carly: True, but there’s something extra shitty about this one where they’re literally like, “We don’t even wanna apologize, like Max is making us apologize. And like, we can’t even operate a camera. Like, oh my God, you guys, there’s so much going on that we could not possibly be fucking paying attention.”

Riese: One thing that Zeke talked about when he was on the show with us that I thought of here is at the end, when Max says that, “Well, at least you’re a better boss than my other boss,” that it’s setting an example of you should settle for this mediocre fucking treatment. Like they sent that message to him when he was growing up, that this is the best you’re gonna get, in terms of a community, is these people who are like, “At least, they’re better than your other boss.” And that’s bullshit and no one should—

Carly: Max says in that same line, the rest of that line is, “Even though you’re transphobic.” That’s what Max says to her, so that’s cool.

Mal: Also, it’s like, how long have they been friends, at this point, you know? It’s like…

Riese: Three years? Two years?

Mal: Yeah, it’s not like—

Carly: He works for her.

Mal: Yeah, it’s not like you’re learning still. It’s like, this is somebody who you’ve known for years.

Carly: Yeah, yeah.

Mal: It sucks.

Carly: So we have reached the point in our show, this is essentially the halfway point.

Riese: The Molly — there’s that little Molly and Richard bit.

Carly: Oh okay, go ahead.

Riese: Then, Molly comes in with her ex boyfriend, Richard, and she enters and Alice gets right up. She’s done with the podcast already.

Carly: Oh, she’s outta there.

Riese: She’s over it and Shane starts talking to Molly and Richard, and Alice says that she is familiar with Phyllis. And Max has to introduce himself because they don’t.

Carly: They forget he’s a person that’s standing there.

Alice in a gold lame dress at The Planet, hands on hips, saying "Oh, I'm familiar with Phyllis"

Gaby: Why even include — why, why even do it?

Riese: Because they had an agenda.

Gaby: And the agenda was trans men are terrible? That’s the agenda?

Carly: That trans men aren’t a part of this community. That was their agenda, it seems pretty clear. I guess you could make the argument that they didn’t know what they were doing, which they didn’t know what they were doing and there were no trans people involved in the writing of the production of the show. But I also think that they had to, on some level, know how deeply shitty all of this was.

Mal: Except the only thing that isn’t, Billy and Max’s sex scene.

Gaby: Yes!

Mal: If The L Word gave us one gift, that’s it.

Gaby: Yes.

Mal: Not worth it for the rest of it, but I do love it.

Carly: It’s so good. We’re almost there, we are now going to change guests. We are going to switch over from Gaby and Mal to Brittani and Cerise.

Mal: Yes.

Carly: This is very exciting. Gaby and Mal, thank you, we will speak to you again in a little while.

Mal: Thank you. I’ll be back.

Riese: They’ll still be here right?

Mal: Just wanna be clear. Was not talking about Tom and Max’s sex scene. Billy.

Carly: Oh, right. Billy and Max. Yes, Tom and Max’s was eh.

Mal: My bad. Anyway, thanks for having me.

Gaby: We’ll be back.

Riese: You’ll be back.

Carly: They’ll be back.

Mal: You’re just gonna mute us. Lauren will do it.

Riese: Yeah, Lauren’s muting you and then at the end, we’ll all talk again about our lives and our experiences.

Gaby: Bye!

Brittani: Are we unmuted?

Riese: Yeah.

Carly: Yes you are!

Riese: Do you have anything you’ve been dying to share?

Brittani: No.

Carly: Okay, looked like Cerise was about to say something.

Brittani: I will start off by saying that Cerise finished watching the episode, said it made her very horny and lit a bunch of candles.

Cerise: Why you putting me out there like that?

Carly: Oh my God. Do you have any Shiloh updates? We were talking about Beans before and I really wanted to make sure we had a chance to talk about Shiloh.

Cerise: Oh my God. Shiloh almost got eaten by a coyote yesterday.

Carly: What?!

Cerise: It’s a recurring thing, she just is determined to — we get them in our backyard and she’s just hell bent on chasing them away, but the little thing doesn’t realize she’s only six inches tall.

Carly: They never know how tiny they are.

Riese: No, they don’t.

Carly: No. Well, I’m glad she’s okay.

Cerise: Thank you, yeah, it was really scary.

Carly: I don’t like that.

Cerise: I screamed at the coyote and did the whole…

Carly: Oh, you did big arms, you did big arms?

Riese: Yeah, yeah.

Carly: That’s what you’re supposed to do.

Riese: Yeah, that’s what we learned at camp about bears.

Carly: Just like coyotes, bears.

Riese: Yeah.

Carly: Should we continue on with this fine piece of television?

Riese: Let’s do it.

Cerise: Yeah, let’s talk.

Carly: All right Riese, where are we?

Riese: Dan’s enormous office building, where Bette and Tina are… going to the therapies. And Bette is like, “Jenny gave Cindi a part,” even though Bette facilitated that event. And then they get in the elevator!

Carly: She’s like, “By the way.” Because Tina was not at the meeting. She didn’t get a complimentary cigar and a pat down. But I feel like we talked briefly about the previous scene where Bette picks up the coffee. Did we say that in that scene, Kit figures out that she’s cheating on Jodi? because that feels significant.

Riese: It is.

Cerise: Very significant.

Carly: Kit knows right away.

Riese: Yeah, and like so many of us here at home, is a little worried about Jodi, who is just along for the ride, but she doesn’t know she’s on the ride.

Carly: Right.

Riese: Which is how got—

Carly: Terrible, terrible.

Brittani: Seems like kind of a bad sign that if you’re just nice to your ex, then your sister’s like, “Ah, you’re cheating.”

Riese: That says a lot about what your… you know.

Carly: Yeah, no, you’re clearly not a great person, if that’s where her mind goes immediately.

Brittani: Oh yeah, you’re only nice to people when you’re fucking them, got it.

Carly: Oh I see, you’re cheating.

Cerise: Bette’s outfit, also, in this scene is giving me dom at the office. And I was living for it.

Carly: Yeah. It is business casual dom. We are clocked in, we are on the clock. We are dominating the business and also other things.

Riese: Yes. Then, they get in the elevator. They make elevator small talk. It stops, right? The elevator stops and Bette is very unhappy about it, because she alone hates heat.

Carly: Bette loses her entire mind.

Riese: Just her entire mind.

Cerise: Temper tantrum Porter.

Carly: Yeah.

Cerise: Love it.

Carly: I love people when, like, when a bad thing happens, or I love a thing where it’s universally bad. No one likes a blackout and no one wants to be trapped in an elevator. But I love when someone will freak out as if they’re the only ones who hate that, or they invented being anxious about something. I think that’s wonderful. Like when Michael Scott said he doesn’t like hospitals, it’s like my favorite. So, she’s gonna try to calm her down. What’d you say?

Tina and Bette in the elevator with the lights off

Riese: She’s just gonna have a panic attack, Tina’s gonna calm her down. The point of this is that Tina understands Bette like no one else ever could.

Carly: She just like, gets her. So we go back to The Planet. Alice has already left there. She’s done with this non-apology.

Riese: We wrapped that right up.

Carly: Just done, Max is putting everything away and Tom comes by and he’s wearing short shorts and a muscle tee, which I think is fantastic. I was really into that.

Brittani: So at no point, they addressed that Shane had a wandering camera, right?

Riese: Right.

Carly: No, it was not addressed at all.

Brittani: Okay.

Riese: That’s going straight to the web.

Carly: At one point, the camera is filming the ceiling because she doesn’t lock the tripod and walks away when Molly shows up. I’m like, “Is this my dad recording my kindergarten school play again?” Because it was mostly the floor.

Riese: This is my brother when I let him do the camera for my “End of the Road” music video, which had a Lego guy walking to the end of the road.

Brittani: The Lego guy?

Carly: Little guy, little Lego dude?

Riese: Well, I did lip syncing, so it alternated between me lip syncing and that, in a plaid vest. You know, “End the Road” by Boyz II Men?

Carly: I am familiar with that song.

Riese: Yeah, it’s a great song. And then I alternated it with some stop motion animation of a Lego guy on a road. It was a road I built out of styrofoam. He’s walking to the end of it, so. And then, he fell off. He came to the end of the road, as they say.

Carly: I love a literal interpretation of a music video.

Cerise: MMal:hmm.

Carly: That’s incredible.

Riese: You should’ve seen our video for “The Crying Game.” So, Tom has got an art show.

Cerise: He’s been painting up a storm painting.

Carly: Painting up a storm! I love that Max is like, “I didn’t know you were a painter.” And I was like, “Frankly, neither did I.”

Riese: Oh, and we get to know that he is not a big time — he doesn’t like, I don’t know… put stuff together with poles and stairs. What does Jodi make again? Origami with—

Carly: Sculptures.

Riese: Sculptures, large sculptures. So he’s not rich like Jodi. That’s why he transcribes, or he translates for—

Cerise: Interprets?

Riese: For Jodi. Interprets for Jodi.

Carly: And Tom, Tom does that thing where he asks where Max’s girlfriend is, because he wants to know what’s up. And Grace, our best friend Grace, is back in San Francisco and they have in fact broken up, probably 17 times. She’s not still stuck in Illinois. Or where were they? What state were they in?

Cerise: Illinois.

Carly: Illinois, right?

Riese: Remember, because Brittani sent in some information about Max.

Brittani: Yeah, Winnetka.

Carly: Exactly. So Tom says he was kind of freaked out. He was like, into him and then, he was kinda freaked out, so he kinda stopped coming by. And then Max is bummed, and that’s real. But then he’s like, “Hey, let’s go out? Like, tonight.”

Riese: Yeah.

Brittani: So when he was like, “I was sort of into you and I was freaked out,” was that also a transphobic comment or was there something else happening?

Riese: Yes.

Carly: Okay, it was that.

Riese: Yes.

Brittani: I was like, because he thinks Max is straight and doesn’t think he’s gay? But it was that, okay, I was right.

Carly: Well, Max is—

Riese: Max is freaked out by his own feelings. He was freaked out by his own feelings. I didn’t want to dislike Tom, but now I have to.

Carly: Yeah, based on Max’s face, he looks so like crestfallen when he says that, that I was like, “Yeah, that’s definitely in reference to him being like, transphobic.”

Cerise: Mhmm.

Riese: I feel like that’s an internal journey that Tom could have very well kept to himself.

Carly: Absolutely, he definitely did not have to say that.

Brittani: Yeah, don’t need to share that at all.

Carly: Nope.

Riese: That was a good thing for him to maybe work out on his own.

Carly: Shutting up is always an option.

Riese: It’s true, it’s always an option. Yeah. There’s so many reasons he could not come by, you know?

Carly: He already said he was painting, very busy painting.

Riese: Yeah, painting up a storm. So the way that was played was that Max said yes to the date. So thus, we have that example of a thing that’s not okay to say, like that’s an okay thing to say, like always.

Carly: So we go to Alice’s, and Tasha is sitting on the couch. This is so iconic. The windows are open and she’s just listening to the sounds of the city. And Alice comes in, she’s like, “What are you doing?” And she’s like, “I’m feeling what 6:00 p.m. feels like.” And she just looks really content. I just love it, it was great.

Brittani: 6:00 PM is a terrible time.

Tasha sitting on Alice's couch in the dark, Alice leaning over her

Carly: Oh, absolutely, I would much rather be on my couch, than on the 405.

Cerise: Yeah. Isn’t this what we’ve all been doing?

Carly: Incorrectly, yes.

Carly: This whole time. For everyone now. We are all now Tasha, we’re all just at home being like… So this is what 3:00 p.m. is, okay.

Riese: And for where they live in their house, 6:00 p.m., it’s birds chirping, it’s grasshoppers making noises, it’s bugs flying, it’s birds flying, it’s planes flying. It’s cars crashing, it’s honking. It’s a lot, it’s wind, it’s fire, it’s everything. Every sound, it’s like a junglescape. It’s like a forest scape, it’s the whole scene, all of it. It’s right there, all the sounds of the whole world. The baby is born to mothers. The waterfall sound.

Carly: That was beautiful.

Riese: Offering cool relief from the hot weather.

Carly: Incredible, that was great.

Riese: Thank you.

Carly: Beautiful, beautiful work, Riese. That’s really beautiful.

Riese: Thank you so much. “Since I have nothing to do.” And the Alice is like, “Well you should do me.”

Carly: Alice has something she can do, it’s her. So we’re back on the elevator.

Riese: This stresses me out.

Carly: Oh, this is so stressful.

Cerise: I love this scene.

Carly: Yeah, being trapped on an elevator is stressful.

Cerise: Have you ever been trapped on an elevator?

Riese: I just confused my own life with the movie, Speed.

Carly: Oh, you thought you were on that bus? Happens all the time.

Riese: Well at the beginning of Speed, isn’t there someone stuck in an elevator?

Brittani: Think you’re thinking of the movie, Devil?

Riese: Devil?

Cerise: Devil, the whole premise is they’re stuck on an elevator.

Carly: On an elevator, yeah.

Brittani: I know that elevator has always been my go-to fantasy answer, like, “If you had one fantasy, blah, blah, blah,” it’s been elevator. It’s not really true, I just feel like I always have to have an answer. But I feel like I came up with that from this episode.

Carly: That’s so funny. Wait, what’s your real answer then?

Brittani: My fantasy? To just have sex in a bed.

Carly: What’s wrong with the bed?

Brittani: It’s pretty boring.

Riese: Nicole says there is an elevator scene in Speed.

Cerise: Oh.

Carly: Okay.

Riese: So my fantasy is also a bed. It’s built for that kind of thing, you know what I mean? I think that’s nice. It’s nice to have some room to spread out. Their first question is, “Do you think Dan knows that we’re here?”

Cerise: Yes.

Carly: Yeah, he definitely knows that you’re there. The power went out in his building moments before you were due for your appointment. He’s probably very aware.

Riese: Time for Dan Foxworthy roleplay.

Carly: Oh man, this is so hot.

Riese: That’s my fantasy, actually.

Carly: Oh yeah, hot.

Cerise: My fantasy is talking out my therapy sessions with Brittani in an elevator in our bare feet, playing footsie.

Carly: Hell yeah, bare feet in a elevator. Nothing I love less.

Riese: I love this peek into your lives. Dan would wanna know, what’s Tina afraid of? What do they want?

Carly: She says, “Fucking it all up.”

Riese: Easy answer.

Carly: She’s afraid of being judged by their friends, and she’s afraid of hurting Jodi. This is all valid, I would say valid.

Brittani: She’s done all these things already.

Carly: She absolutely has. She has already done all of her fears, so she shouldn’t be afraid of them anymore. And all she got out of it was being punished by being trapped in an elevator during a blackout. So maybe she actually should be afraid of those things, because look where it got her, you know what I mean?

Tina and Bette sitting on the elevator floor with their shoes off

Riese: Sexy scene. And Bette’s outfit.

Carly: That’s an awesome outfit.

Riese: Bette says that her and Jodi don’t share the same values.

Carly: I don’t — is that correct?

Riese: I think so.

Cerise: Jodi doesn’t like kids.

Carly: Oh, right.

Brittani: I feel like “sharing values” is one of those things that you could use to justify being who you’re with and justify not being with anyone, because how many people really have like, if you listen to Bette’s answers, they’re pretty hilarious. They’re not, I think, what people expect from what our values are. I think most people are like, “Oh, you see the beauty in thing, and that means that our values are aligned.”

Carly: Those aren’t values, that’s just opinion. Values are like deeper than that, I don’t know.

Riese: It’s family.

Carly: It’s family?

Riese: Swimming, trust, hope.

Carly: Cheating.

Cerise: Cheating, lying.

Carly: Manipulating, being passive aggressive.

Riese: Gaslighting.

Carly: I will say, I think that these are valid values because I agree with all of Bette’s values here and we’re obviously both Tauruses. Bette’s clearly a Taurus.

Cerise: Oh, don’t say that! Girl, ugh!

Carly: I feel like this is valid. If you’re a Taurus, you care about things being beautiful and you like the same people and you dislike the same people, because we are…

Cerise: Always right?

Carly: Yes, always right.

Riese: What’s the case against her being a Taurus, Cerise? Case against being a Taurus.

Cerise: Case against being a Taurus? I must be hearing this wrong, because there is no case against being a Taurus.

Brittani: No, against Bette being a Taurus.

Cerise: Oh, against Bette being a Taurus, she’s a Capricorn. Okay. Okay? Thank you, thank you.

Brittani: I think Bette is a Libra, I think. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Cerise: I could see Libra.

Riese: I’m a Libra, but I know I’m terrible, so it’s okay.

Brittani: I don’t think Libras are terrible.

Cerise: I don’t think they’re terrible.

Riese: But we do appreciate the beauty in things, which is a big value, you know? And Jodi probably doesn’t, cause she’s just an artist. You know?

Carly: I mean, I guess, yeah. Jodi doesn’t want kids and Jodi is poly, and Bette is into having kids and is a cheater. So I guess those are all different values.

Brittani: It’s also funny because the writers never seem to have, like, a set intention, right? Because all this stuff about like, what were they doing by being transphobic? I think they were just being transphobic because then you get to scenes like this and it’s like, Bette’s supposed to be waxing poetic and being deep about what her values are. And it’s like, “I care about quality of life.” They meant that scene to be like, “this is a deep connection,” and the way that they thought they would get that across was by saying, “I love when oranges are in a bowl,” like that’s essentially what she’s saying.

Riese: That would be a shared value with Cherie Jaffe, because she had that whole citrus bowl at her party. That Shane’s keys were in, remember that? I do, because I remember everything that ever happened in The L Word now, because of this podcast. And sometimes I forget, like, actual words that people use for normal things, because all I have is The L Word, and I’m old.

Carly: Well you know, we’re old, it’s just what happens.

Riese: Yup, also, the thing is that Tina… Attention to beauty and they’re comfortable with people in each other’s world. But Tina liked Henry and that does not reflect an attention to beauty, or people of the worlds that are comfortable. And also, who is in Tina’s world? She still doesn’t even have fucking parents.

Brittani: It’s just all their own friends. Oh, you happen to also like our mutual friends.

Riese: Anyway, Lauren, put that in. Oh, and they’d both rather stay in on New Year’s Eve. That’s kinda cute. Isn’t it?

Brittani: Is this also the scene where Tina reads her and is like, “You only care about this because it’s an affair,” was that this one?

Carly: Yes, it is.

Riese: Yeah, mhmm.

Brittani: Okay yeah, the other example of just them not knowing that Tina is right? It’s just, again, the writers being like, “Oh, we’re gonna say this.” Like no, that’s exactly it. Foils the entire game. Bette does only care because it’s an affair.

Carly: It’s exciting and they’re sneaking around, like that’s all she cares about.

Riese: Yeah. Bette says she feels compelled to destroy good things.

Cerise: Hmm.

Riese: And Tina says that she was awful with Henry, which is true. She was.

Carly: Yes. And then she’s apologizing, and then Bette takes four hours to move across the floor of the elevator. She totally worms across the elevator floor. It’s a very strange choice. That was definitely a direction thing. They were like, “If you stand up, we have to move the camera and we don’t wanna move the camera, so you’re going to have to get over there without standing up,” and that happened.

Riese: She did it.

Carly: She did it, proud of her. It took a while, but she did it. And then yeah, and then that’s the moment where she’s like, “Tina, I love you,” and Tina’s like, “No, this is just an affair.” Like what you were saying, Brittani. And Bette’s like, “It doesn’t feel like an affair. It feels like I’m coming home.”

Riese: Which is that I started saying the lines out loud. I already knew this whole speech. “It feels like coming home” and… I’m a broken person now.

Carly: And then a romantic swell of music, and then they make out.

Riese: “Swimming Pool” by Freezepop!

Carly: Yup.

Riese: I’ve listened to this song 5,000 times in this episode.

Carly: This is like the score of half this episode, is this song by Freezepop. So we go back to set. Jenny and Shane are waiting for Nikki. Shane would like to leave. Molly calls her, and Molly is at home by herself and the lights keep going on and off, and she’s so scared.

Riese: Oh no.

Molly sitting on her bed with lights on telling Shane to come over

Carly: Wahhh. And Shane’s like, “What about Richard?” And basically, Molly tells Shane that Richard flew across the country to try to get her back and she was like, “Fuck off,” and sent him away. But not before bringing him to The Planet to obviously need to run into Shane. So I thought that was interesting. But the lights go off again and she screams. She’s so scared, she’s so scared because of the blackout. How are you scared if you know what’s causing the power outage?

Riese: That’s not what’s making her scared, Carly.

Carly: I know, I know Riese.

Brittani: It’s because, what about Richard, Richard? What’s the nickname, Dick. What about Dick, so now she’s scared.

Carly: I picked the wrong time to take a big drink of water. Spat out everywhere. That’s really interesting that they named him Richard, isn’t it?

Riese: It is. They could have just named him — what’s the name they gave everyone? I forget already, see? This is — holes in my brain.

Carly: Mark, everyone’s named Mark.

Riese: Mark, Mark, Mark. Carly’s a year younger than me.

Carly: Right, so I’m very youthful.

Riese: I knew way more last year than I know now.

Carly: Incredible. We’re all just slowly deteriorating. So, we go to this absolutely fucking ridiculous scene.

Riese: I hate this girl.

Carly: This is terrible. We’re at Shenny’s, Adele is standing in the dark, clearly pretending to be Jenny.

Riese: For how long?

Carly: How did she orchestrate this?

Riese: How long?

Carly: How long was she standing there? How did she know Adele would — I mean, clearly she told Adele to go to the house, right? I think we can infer that?

Cerise: No, she told her to come to the set because later when Adele shows up, she was like, “Oh, you came.”

Carly: But why did Nikki go to the house, then?

Cerise: I would assume that she’s at home. It’s a blackout, there were fires going. I would be at home, shoot.

Carly: Well at any rate, Adele’s at Shenny’s. She’s hiding in the dark and fucking Nikki comes in. She’s like, “Oh my God, Flutter was so amazing. It reminded me why I wanna be in the film and I love you,” and just full on kisses Adele and Adele is like, “My plan has worked.”

Riese: I hate it.

Brittani: It’s so creepy.

Carly: So creepy.

Niki in Jenny's house telling Adele she has to go

Cerise: Adele is so scary. And someone in the chat said, “Did Adele kill Jenny?” Yes.

Riese: Oh yeah, good call.

Carly: That does feel like the choice that makes the most sense there, for sure.

Riese: That would have been the final straw, if Jenny had actually been killed, I think, yeah, it would have been Adele.

Brittani: Jenny’s alive. Don’t make a face, Jenny’s alive.

Riese: Thank you, Brittani.

Carly: So then, of course, at the exact moment that this happens, the power comes back on. Incredible.

Riese: Did she really not notice at first? I feel like you would notice the smell of someone at first, you know, right?

Carly: Are they the exact same height?

Riese: Same body type?

Carly: I don’t know, this is a reach.

Cerise: They look exactly alike.

Carly: I mean, she’s been the one emailing her!

Riese: They have the same bangs.

Riese: But if everyone with the same bangs looked alike, it would have been very confusing — when did we all have bangs?

Cerise: 2,000 years ago?

Riese: Yeah, 2,000 years.

Brittani: I feel like also, if you thought, “Oh, this might not be the correct person,” if you had that flash, then you’d be like, “Oh, but of course it is because then, that person would pull away, they wouldn’t have kissed me.” They would have said, “Oops.”

Cerise: Okay, I have an anecdote. I’ve actually done this.

Riese: Was it to Brittani?

Carly: Brittani’s like, “First time hearing of it.”

Cerise: No, my last girlfriend, it was during Halloween, and she had come home from the party earlier than me. And we also had a friend staying here. They don’t look anything alike, just for the record.

Brittani: Did they have on the same costume?

Cerise: No, but it was dark.

Riese: They were both ghosts.

Cerise: And I came into the door and I saw someone sleeping on the couch and I thought it was my girlfriend.

Brittani: Why would she be sleeping on the couch?

Cerise: Nigga, I don’t know. But she was knocked out, so it was dark—

Brittani: Were you drunk?

Cerise: Yes.

Brittani: Oh, okay.

Cerise: And I pulled down the cover and I kissed her.

Brittani: You pulled down the cover!? This is not alike, at all. And then, I looked and I was like, “Oh my God.”

Brittani: Did they wake up?

Cerise: No.

Riese: Oh no, it just got even worse.

Cerise: I told her in the morning. I was like, “Girl, I was so drunk last night, I kissed you,” and she thought it was hilarious. I don’t know.

Riese: So it is possible.

Cerise: It’s possible, very possible.

Carly: But Adele orchestrated this.

Brittani: So did Cerise’s couch friend.

Riese: Oh, Cerise’s couch friend.

Carly: So fuckin’ funny, oh my God.

Riese: Oh boy. And Nikki’s like, “You look alike in the dark.”

Carly: She’s like, “Of course I do, I got the same haircut.”

Riese: On purpose.

Carly: Yeah.

Riese: Which Max noticed because he’s the only smart person on the show.

Carly: The only smart person on the show. And so Adele’s like, “You have to go to set and meet Jenny and she’s gonna be really mad.” And so Nikki’s like, “Oh cool.” Like “We just wanna tell her, it was a little mistake.” And then, Adele looks really mad. Like, Adele’s face gets really scary there.

Riese: Yeah, I think they shoulda told her, just for laughs. Like, we all laughed.

Carly: For laughs.

Riese: That’s Riese. You know? Like ha-ha.

Carly: Ha-ha.

Cerise: I told my girlfriend immediately after, she was in the bedroom and I was like, “Oh my God girl, I just kissed your friend.”

Carly: So Shane goes to Molly’s house and Molly is holding a candle like it’s the olden times. Like a cloak and a candle.

Riese: Yeah, she’s got a green bowl and some… I don’t know what I’m talking about. Anyway, see, in the normal podcast, you guys don’t listen to all of the things that I fail at, mid-sentence, they just get cut out.

Carly: It’s okay. This is fun.

Riese: I have a lot of misses, but I have hits too, right, Carly?

Carly: So many hits. So many hits, you are so funny, Riese. You are so smart and funny.

Riese: No, you are!

Carly: We all are. So she’s holding a candle, like the olden times. Molly is not scared of the dark. It was all a ruse. She’s scared because she wants to fuck Shane.

Brittani: That would scare me, too.

Carly: Yeah, I’d be terrified. I’d be like, “What am I doing?” I’d be like, “I cannot address this. I thought you were afraid of the dark.”

Cerise: I hated that, that whole thing. “I’m scared because I wanted to fuck you. Oh, you’re not a guy.”

Carly: That whole — ugh.

Riese: So tired.

Carly: It felt very 2008. Like, it felt like this is where we were at in movies and TV shows of women sleeping with women for the first time of like, “You’re like a guy, but different,” which is exhausting. We’re absolutely past this, but I guess in 2008, we were not. Honestly, probably, we were past this in 2008, but here we are. Oh, we’re doing sunglasses, why did no one tell me we were doing sunglasses?

Riese: I just saw them on the table and was like, “What if I just put these on?”

Carly: Aw, mine are in the other room. All right, fine, I don’t get sunglasses. So Molly won’t shut up because she talks a lot when she’s nervous, so she just says like 4,000 things. And they’re drinking wine, and she says that Richard thinks she’s oddly proportioned. And Shane says, “Well, Richard’s a tool. Fuck Richard.”

Riese: She also says that she caught Richard, jerking off to internet porn.

Carly: Wow, how dare he?

Riese: Yeah, like what? So what?

Carly: Oh my God, what?

Riese: Yeah I feel like at home, everyone was like, “Okay,” so surely there’s worse, like what?

Brittani: It feels like a very 20-year-old thing to get upset about.

Carly: Yeah.

Brittani: Like I can imagine being mad about that when I was 20.

Carly: Sure. She says that she’s not gonna marry Richard. “I told him that today,” and she does that thing. She talks about how, she’s like, “I know the truth about marriage because I took one gender studies class.” And so she’s like, “Marriage is about ownership of women. Anyway, grab the candle, let’s go upstairs.”

Brittani: It’s also wild because she’s just using a bunch of big college words and regurgitating information that she clearly just heard, and that’s supposed to be the truth, that she’s so much smarter than Shane is that she’s just repeating what a professor said.

Carly: Because what she’s saying, it’s not “Oh my God” worthy. It’s like, yes, everyone knows that. I don’t know, it’s just sad, everything is bad. What’s about to happen is very bad.

Riese: Except the song.

Carly: Is it still Freezepop?

Riese: “Swimming Pool” comes right back on in a stalemate.

Carly: Right back on.

Riese: And I’m again, right back in 2008, sitting in Cait’s SUV, listening to the “Freezepop” album that she bought because she liked the song, but it turned out that this is the only good song on the album.

Carly: That happened a lot with music, in this time period.

Riese: Yeah, because you would buy—

Carly: I’d be like, “Oh, great song,” and then, I buy the album and I’m like, “Why did I buy this, this is bad.”

Riese: Singing “Everything is perfect now, doo doo doo.” But it’s not. Then, we go to Tom’s house. They made a tiny little set for this. I’m not even convinced they made a whole set for this.

Carly: I wasn’t sure if it was Tom’s house or if they were just in the shed. Are they in the shed? Does Max still live in the shed? Is he not allowed to live in the house?

Riese: Tom made dinner, so Tom could not have dinner in the shed.

Carly: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Cerise: They gotta be in the shed because those lights.

Carly: I know, that’s what I’m thinking about, the lights. I don’t know.

Riese: Maybe Tom made dinner on a Carmen’s DJ equipment.

Carly: I thought they went out to dinner and then they got back to the shed, but I don’t know that any of this actually matters because they’re silhouetted, it’s cool lighting, and they start to make out. Yeah.

Riese: Someone said Tom lives in a closet at Jodi’s house. I buy it.

Carly: That’s fair. So we get up to Molly’s room where she has 400 candles lit.

Cerise: Same.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Riese: Here, I wasn’t calling you here, Carol, but you can come if you want, come here.

Cerise: Oh, Carol.

Riese: Carol.

Carly: Carol time!

Riese: Carol, you wanna be in the podcast? Yeah?

Brittani: Did she pee in it? Wait.

Riese: What do you think?

Carly: Carol’s here. Does Carol have any thoughts about how everyone’s about to fuck on the show?

Riese: Well, I think that what we learned from this is that Molly had a lot of candles on hand and I like that.

Carly: Hello!

Riese: Hello, it’s dog time!

Carly: Dog time, dog break.

Riese: Carol.

Carly: So Carol and Shiloh are gonna talk about the episode now.

Riese: Yeah. In their opinion, it needs 100% more dogs. Oh, it’s Beans!

Cerise: Beans!

Carly: Oh my God, Bean’s here too? My dogs were in the other room, unfortunately.

Riese: Is this thing on? Poom, poom, poom. That was good, right? Okay so yeah, they start kissing. Then, according to the captions, they start chuckling a lot. And Shane looks at all of Molly’s trophies. Shane’s like, “We don’t have to have sex,” but Molly’s like, “Yeah we do.” But okay, I had one real thing to say, was just that I think this is the first time that we’ve seen Shane build a friendship with someone before they have sex.

Carly: Yeah.

Cerise: Mm, mmhm.

Riese: Like they already have a little bit of a rapport and that’s kind of—

Carly: That’s new, yeah.

Riese: Yup.

Carly: And then, Shane takes her shirt off and Molly says, “Weird, boobs.” What’s happening? What is this?

Molly in her bra amazed by Shane having boobs

Brittani: I still say that.

Cerise: It’s true. Every time.

Carly: They’ve become much more interesting, now that I don’t have them anymore. Now, they’re— Boobs are more exciting, now that I don’t have ones that I hate. Anyway! Okay, so Nikki goes to see Jenny who is still on set, and she starts her speech about the letter. It’s the exact same thing she was saying before. She clearly prepared the two sentences about the letter.

Riese: Look at how good she wasn’t memorizing, though.

Carly: I know, she’s an actor, she can memorize her lines. And Jenny kisses her and they do a bunch of, I love yous and apologies and start rolling around and yes, they are in the bowling themed room still. This is—

Riese: They love each other so much.

Carly: So much.

Cerise: She wanted a chance to fuck on a bowling theme set. Like who would pass that up?

Carly: You gotta do it.

Riese: You gotta do it, yeah.

Brittani: Were there sirens in this scene, too?

Riese: Probably.

Brittani: There were sirens in the Molly-Shane scene. Heavily, a lot, throughout, a lot of noise.

Riese: A lot. The power goes out, the noises go up because…

Brittani: Because the cops are out? I don’t understand what they’re implying.

Carly: I know.

Brittani: Like when the power goes out, everyone’s just like, “Just call 911 and tell them that the power’s out.”

Carly: Yeah, I love to call the authorities, any time my power has gone out.

Riese: Yeah.

Carly: That’s a good use of everyone’s time. Whatever, don’t call the cops. Anyway, so okay. Now, Molly and Shane are doin’ it and it’s so great. And Molly says the worst things you could say, which is, “You really are like a guy, a really sexy guy. You’re so much softer.” And then, Shane’s like, “I don’t know if you’re ready for this.” And I was like—

Riese: But Shane’s also like, “I’m not a guy,” which is a good point because Shane isn’t a guy.

Carly: Right, I’m really glad she cleared that up for Molly because Molly seemed confused.

Riese: Yeah. And then, Molly touches her and is like, “Oh, you’re really wet.” And Shane’s like, “Uh-huh.” She’s like, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that.” And I’m like—

Brittani: What is the…what? What? Like, what?

Riese: Maybe Molly’s never been wet before.

Brittani: Probably.

Carly: That’s the takeaway, here, I think, yeah.

Riese: Because she’s never watched the internet porn, apparently. She thinks that it’s evil because of Richard doing it in Nantucket.

Brittani: I mean, yeah, she doesn’t know anything. She responded to, “I don’t know if you’re ready for this” with “I’m ready for this.” She’s lacking imagination.

Carly: Truly.

Riese: Oh, my God.

Carly: Okay, we go to Alice’s apartment where she has brought a glass of ice over to Tasha on the couch. Time for sexy ice stuff and boobs.

Riese: I know, but you know what she doesn’t do?

Carly: What?

Riese: Before we started talking about the cool stuff that they do do, is that what she doesn’t do, but she could have done is put ice in Tasha’s butt hole, or Tasha could have put ice in her butthole. And then, it cools you from the ground up, like this.

Cerise: That’s escalating things so quickly, Riese.

Carly: Yeah, that’s serious.

Brittani: We don’t know that they didn’t do that.

Carly: That’s true.

Brittani: That scene just blacked out.

Riese: Right, right.

Brittani: We don’t know.

Carly: That is true. We don’t know what’s on the cutting room floor, as they say.

Riese: That’s what 6 p.m. looks like to me, is an ice cube in the butthole.

Carly: Butt ice? All right.

Riese: And it sounds like sirens.

Brittani: Maybe they tried and it was just so hot that it would melt before it got to the butthole.

Riese: That’s fair.

Carly: Yeah, yeah, that’s probably what happened, they probably tried.

Cerise: Have you ever tried that, Riese? Does it work?

Riese: Yeah, I have done that to someone, yeah.

Cerise: I’m gonna try that later, I think.

Riese: I don’t know— Well, I think that with the many things that it did, the most important thing that I did is that it was really funny, you know?

Cerise: I strive for funny in my sex life.

Riese: Yeah, because we got a good laugh out of it.

Cerise: Yeah.

Riese: And now, I’m getting more laughs out of it, right now. I didn’t have an ice cube in my butt hole, just to be clear.

Brittani: Ah!

Riese: I put it in someone else’s butthole. So I was laughing the whole time. They were laughing, everyone had a nice time.

Carly: Everyone was having fun, that’s great.

Riese: It was really hot and we didn’t have air conditioning and it was like 100 degrees, so we had to be creative. And I am creative.

Brittani: Yeah, you’ve very creative.

Riese: I graduated from the University of Michigan with a sub-concentration in creative writing.

Carly: Hey, Riese? Did you call it a freezepop?

Riese: No!!!!! But I could have.

Carly: That’s what we call a missed opportunity. Anyway, Alice and Tasha are doin’ it. Okay, we go back to the elevator. Bette and Tina are comically sweaty, like so sweaty.

Riese: Take your clothes off! That’s my advice to both of them. They still have way too many clothes on. Why do they keep trying to hold on to their clothes in this situation?

Carly: Are they worried that if the power comes back on, the elevator door will immediately open, maybe?

Cerise: Mm.

Brittani: I mean, that’s what I thought when they did get the power back on and then, they have to button up. I was like, “Well, if they were naked, there’s no way they would’ve gotten dressed in time.”

Carly: No way, I was thinking about that the whole time.

Cerise: As someone who has been stuck in a elevator, I can tell you.

Riese: Our stuck in the elevator expert.

Cerise: You have time to get dressed.

Brittani: Somebody get me outta here.

Carly: I can’t. Oh, my God.

Riese: I guess we should note that I wrote, “Tina’s getting fucked good,” and so it’s important. Everyone’s having sex, everyone. Everyone’s having a nice time, it’s very sexy.

Carly: So sexy, it’s just a lot of sexy sex.

Riese: Sexy sex.

Cerise: This is the part that made me horny. This montage, what the fuck?

Carly: I thought you were saying that the bowling bedroom made you horny, but it’s the—

Cerise: That too!

Brittani: I think what we all can gather here is that it’s not that hard to get Cerise horny.

Riese: Elevators, someone on the couch, The L Word.

Carly: All of it. My God. Tom fucks Max, that’s cool, excited for Max.

Riese: Condom, safe sex.

Carly: Safe sex. Good for Max, excited for Max.

Cerise: Are we excited for Max?

Carly: I mean, I feel like he seemed happy? No? We not excited?

Cerise: No, that song that was playing. [Singing] Everything is perfect now… I was like, “Bitch, no it’s not.” All of these couples are gonna break up. All of this ends badly.

Brittani: Spoilers!

Cerise: Oh, shit.

Riese: Actually, not all of them are.

Brittani: Oo, intrigued.

Cerise: No comment.

Riese: Three of them.

Carly: I don’t remember, honestly, what happens. I’m only up to this episode of my rewatch. I don’t remember anything.

Cerise: I’m having fun.

Riese: I wrote, “Get it, boys.” Then, I’m back in set. We’ve got Nikki and Jenny, they’re naked, because these are actresses who are showing their boobs a lot and we like that for them and they’re hot, naked. They’re fucking, good for them. The newscaster says, “We have a heat wave wreaking havoc on SoCal where three major fires are out of control and evacuations are underway,” which felt a little on the nose.

Jenny and Niki having sex while the voiceover discusses wildfires

Cerise: It’s very on the nose.

Carly: It is.

Cerise: This fire has three different heads right now. And it’s 101 degrees, like Mal pointed out.

Carly: Yeah, they also say that people have died in this fire and they juxtapose that part of the newscast with everyone fucking. And I think, cool, that’s cool.

Riese: Beginning of life and the end of life. It’s a circle.

Carly: There is no beginning of life here.

Riese: Oh, well… Okay, you’re right, there isn’t. Molly’s having a nice time.

Carly: Yeah, she’s having a nice time until Phyllis gets home.

Riese: Shane is going down on her.

Carly: Yes.

Riese: She’s enjoying it. She says it was amazing and then, Molly cannot manage to go down on Shane. She’s still too weirded out, which is so—

Carly: Can’t do it.

Riese: And then, Shane saves it by being like, “Okay, I’ll show you one more time.”

Carly: And then, cut to Phyllis enters, and I really enjoy that they have Phyllis entering the scene upside down because her head’s back and so she would’ve seen her, upside down, and I thought that was a very funny nice touch. Yeah, I thought—

Upside-down Phyllis's head as Molly sees it

Riese: Uh-oh, it’s Phyllis!

Carly: Uh-oh, mom’s home. And now, of course, the power is back, and Bette and Tina are getting dressed in the elevator to go to therapy after everything that has just happened. Basically, they seem to be negotiating how Bette’s gonna end her relationship with Jodi and how they’re maybe gonna actually get back together. But Bette says she doesn’t want to tell Jodi before the pink ride.

Riese: I hate this for them, just do it. Break up, don’t wait until after the vacation or after the camp.

Carly: Just do it.

Riese: Just do it.

Brittani: The pink ride, that’s the one where they ride from San Francisco to LA? So she’s gonna make this motherfucker ride a bike 500 miles and then, break up with her?

Cerise: For her dead friend?

Carly: Yes, correct. For someone that Jodi never met.

Riese: For all of her terrible friends.

Carly: All these horrible people who probably, by the time this happens, will all know that she’s cheating on her.

Cerise: Mmhm.

Riese: Uh-huh, that’s coming up next week. Dan is so excited to see them.

Carly: Bette’s hair looks so funny when she gets out of that elevator. She looks like she was having sex in an elevator.

Riese: Yeah.

Carly: It’s great.

Riese: And he’s like, “Anyone traumatized?” And it’s like, “Yeah.”

Dan Foxworthy greeting Bette and Tina on the other side of the elevator, saying "anybody traumatized?"

Brittani: That’s a weird question, and he had weird energy.

Carly: Such weird energy, he had the energy of someone who was not at all doing anything to try to get them off the elevator, but then was lying and saying, “Oh my God. We were so worried, we were trying so hard to get you guys outta there.” And I was like—

Riese: He was looking at the clock thinking, “One minute less I have to spend with them, two minutes less I have to spend with them.”

Carly: Is he billing them for the time they were in the elevator? I think he is.

Cerise: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Brittani: I feel like it was one of those things where they had to shoot it like five times of just being like, “Okay, now they just got off the elevator. You don’t know what they were doing, but you were stressed out. Okay, go.” And he just kept not getting it.

Carly: No, nothing. Nothing, he didn’t get it, he did not. They must have had to do that so many times because that must have been the best take.

Riese: Anyway, Jodi’s gonna be traumatized, so I hope she’s got a different type of therapist. We go back to Molly’s, where Phyllis says that Shane is beneath her. Get it?

Carly: I got it.

Riese: Just so everyone listening knows, Mal gave me finger guns. So someone else got it. I hate this conversation, I can’t believe that it happened.

Carly: This is the second time, now, that Phyllis is being horrifically classist about Shane. And in a misguided attempt to defend Shane, Molly gets in on the fun too. This is great. I’m saying that sarcastically, because it’s really painful to watch.

Cerise: “Shane is simple.”

Carly: “Maybe she’s not the smartest person in the world, but at least she’s not fucking Richard.”

Brittani: But also, how did they not know Shane? Like, you all are the ones that aren’t smart, Shane is 10 feet away, like what?

Riese: Exactly, exactly!

Carly: Like how did they, I mean, if you’re gonna talk shit about someone, don’t be within earshot!

Brittani: Close the door!

Carly: Like, this is terrible!

Riese: Yeah, they’re screaming, that’s the thing. Also, Phyllis and Molly both demonstrate, there’s a very big difference between being book smart and being otherwise smart because Phyllis is really stupid about a lot of things.

Carly: Mhm.

Riese: And so is Molly, whereas Shane is actually pretty smart about a lot of things, even if she didn’t read Krauss or whatever it is that they said last. Who’s read Krauss besides Joey Potter?

Carly: Wow, deep cut.

Riese: I don’t know. I didn’t really Krauss.

Carly: Molly also says, “I don’t like Shane for her political views,” which I think is a really cool thing to watch somebody say in the year 2020.

Cerise: Yeah, but that’s a wild thing to say in 2008, as well.

Brittani: What were Richard’s political views? I feel like they all probably had bad political views, and Shane maybe just didn’t have them, which in this case, probably was better than whatever Richard was working with.

Carly: Richard in his hot pink polo shirt, flying in from the east coast? I don’t trust that guy.

Riese: Jerking off to internet porn in Nantucket.

Cerise: Nantucket.

Riese: More like Nan-fuck-it.

Cerise: Can we talk about it?

Brittani: They should’ve asked her to leave, and then have this rude conversation, if they must. Did she expect she was gonna come back and be like, “Sorry my mom’s calling you a ragamuffin, let’s get back to it.” I don’t understand what—

Carly: She goes back to her bedroom and is like, “Anyway, let’s get back to this.”

Riese: “Let’s get back to business,” and she’s like, “What’s wrong with my community college? It’s a very affordable option.”

Carly: That’s the episode, right?

Riese: Yup, that’s it. It’s over now.

Carly: Hey guys, we did it, we did it, we got through the whole thing.

Riese: [Singing] Everything is perfect now…

Carly: You’re gonna sing? Why don’t you sing the Freezepop song, Riese? That would be great.

Riese: I can’t sing it because I’m a terrible singer and I don’t wanna be mean.

Carly: To all of us? Like, you mean that we’d have to hear you sing? In what way are you being mean?

Riese: Mean to like all the people at home and also, the people who are here right now and also, all of you guys because I’m a bad singer.

Gaby: I’m unmuted, I’m unmuted!

Carly: Hi guys, welcome back! All right!

Gaby: Woo!

Carly: All right, let’s discuss!

Riese: Let’s go.

Carly: What did we think of this episode? Do we like it, do we not like it?

Cerise: I liked it because it turned me on, oh-kurr?

Carly: Oh, my God.

Mal: I didn’t like it, because I think it was bad for fire safety. All those candles in Molly’s room, it’s like, there’s wildfires going on and you change your room into a—

Carly: Hazard.

Mal: Yeah.

Riese: That’s not very smart.

Mal: A hazard.

Gaby: Yeah, exactly, that’s not very smart. So you talk about Shane not being smart, excuse me. Shane’s like, “Only you can prevent forest fires.” It had real twists and turns. Okay, the mob scene? Great. Alice not apologizing for being transphobic? Bad.

Mal: Yeah.

Gaby: Like can you believe that was the same episode? Okay, then, Tina and Bette… ok, here’s the thing. It’s all bad, but them having sex in the elevator was hot. And then, I don’t understand why Shane is slumming it with Molly, TBH. You wanna talk about who’s slummin’ it? Shane is slummin’ it.

Mal: Because Molly is neurotic and also a challenge, and Shane likes that. Keeps her on her toes.

Gaby: What are you trying to say?

Mal: I didn’t say anything…

Gaby: What are you trying to say? Okay, like that’s highs and lows. Did four people write this episode, by doing that thing where you say one word, the next person says another word, the next person says another word?

Carly: It felt that way, a little bit. Ilene Chaiken is the credited writer for the episode.

Riese: But the best parts of the episode were the parts without words.

Gaby: That was too much. It was too much.

Riese: Where we just saw bodies, moving together, in love, and sex.

Gaby: But a lot of them were bad couples. Like Jenny and Nikki, bad.

Cerise: Bad couples, but hot sex.

Carly: Yeah, that is the final verdict on this episode.

Mal: Is what?

Carly: Bad couples, but hot sex.

Mal: I love it.

Gaby: What did you like about Tasha? I like everything.

Cerise: Tasha is the one that I would wanna fuck.

Mal: I didn’t like their whole thing when Tasha was in the military, but I like Tasha’s new vibe that starts in this episode where she’s like, “I’m a civilian now and I’m chillin’.”

Cerise: I don’t like that Alice made her quit her job, though. I thought that was—

Mal: Is that what happened, Alice makes her quit?

Cerise: Maybe I’m remembering it wrong.

Carly: Alice kinda saves it by trying to out the prosecutor lady.

Cerise: Ah.

Carly: And Tasha is like, “Oh okay, cool,” but the prosecutor lady is like, “All you have to do is tell Tasha to just answer these questions normally, and I will make sure she’s fine because I don’t want you to out me on your fucking TV show, The Look.”

Cerise: Mm.

Carly: And then, Tasha gets in there and she’s like, “Actually, I love Alice and I’m out, bye.”

Cerise: Okay, cool.

Mal: Alice loves to out people, huh?

Riese: Yeah, that’s her whole thing.

Gaby: Yeah, that’s—

Cerise: Alice, the outer.

Gaby: Yikes. Well, Tasha is distractingly good-looking, like to the point that multiple times during the episode, I went, “Wow, that’s a good looking person.”

Mal: She doesn’t even have a huge role in this episode.

Gaby: Like it’s a bit much, to be honest. No, it’s too much.

Riese: Yeah also, she has a great laugh, and there’s a lot of her laughing. There’s a lot of her having sex and laughing, and ice in places. Some, we know about; some, we don’t necessarily know about.

Cerise: Like the butt hole.

Riese: I love this episode.

Mal: I think ice in the butthole would hurt.

Gaby: No, it’s melting, it’s melting.

Cerise: It’s in the cavity, it’s melting, it feels exciting and erotic.

Riese: Yeah, it’s melting.

Mal: My mistake, Cerise, my mistake. You’re right, you’re right.

Gaby: There was ice in her butt hole and then, Molly was like, “You’re so wet.” And Shane was like, “No, it’s the ice cube that is in my butt hole.”

Riese: Cools you down, from the bottom up. I love this episode because I think the SheBar stuff is really funny and all the sex is sexy. And the music is great. By the music, I mean one song. “Swimming Pool,” by Freezepop that I love a lot. And I was listening to and I wrote a really good blog post that everyone really liked and because I was listening to that song, it was inspiring me. And I was probably stoned and drunk, because it was two days ago.

Mal: Wow. Every time I hear a song used — whenever I’m re-watching stuff now, as an adult musician, I’m always like, “That is so interesting that they reused the same music queue over and over.” And then I’m like, “How much did Freezepop get paid for that?” Because they used it in the foreground of the show.

Carly: Yeah, that’s them probably taking advantage of how much—

Gaby: Somebody’s friend or something.

Carly: Isn’t that usually part of those contracts, is how much of the song you can use, time-wise? So somehow, they were able to get a large number of minutes.

Gaby: In my film, which is about Niese, Barly, Sal, Derise, and Brittani, we don’t change Brittani’s name at all. Brittani’s name, no change. We will be using all of Mal Blum’s “Pity Boy.” Everyone, I change everyone’s name, I change my own name. Brittani stays Brittani. With an I? Yes, with an I.

Carly: Spelled the same.

Riese: Wait, aren’t we supposed to be answering questions that Lauren was gonna gather?

Mal: Oh.

Carly: The questions that are in the actual question box, we were originally going to answer them if we had a few minutes when we were gonna switch over, between our guests, but that didn’t happen because it was so seamless. So we just have 20 unanswered questions.

Riese: Lauren—

Gaby: I can answer them fast. Want me to answer them quickly?

Cerise: You’re on fire, Gaby.

Carly: I think Gaby should answer the questions that were sent in. Yes.

Gaby: “Did you fuck all night before you told her I was the love of your life, this morning?” Yes.

Carly: Good job.

Gaby: “Would really love to know if any of you guys thought the speed of Max hooking up with Tom was weird.” No. “Have any of you listened to Leisha and Kate’s podcast, ‘Pants?’ And if so, do you have any thoughts about it?” I have not.

Carly: I have not.

Gaby: “Ilene Chaiken, will you invite Riese to your pool? There can be burning food included.” Yes. “Of all the steamy sex scenes in this ep, which do you find the hottest?” Tina and Bette. I’m really sorry.

Riese: Alice and Tasha.

Cerise: Whoa! Controversial, okay.

Mal: Wow.

Gaby: “Can we bring Leigh Cobie back? A queer transplant for Portland, since ‘Stumptown’ got canceled?” Absolutely, fuck this canceling of “Stumptown.” “Does anyone else think if Angela Robinson directed this ep, she would do the mafia table scene like the poker scene in ‘Luck be a Lady,’ season four? Still love Rose Troche here, though.” Angela Robinson is amazing. If you guys haven’t seen Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, that movie is it. What a horny film.

Carly: It’s a great film.

Gaby: “Did anyone else forget how much of a bummer this episode was?” Yes. “Why don’t people fuck their hot girlfriends?” Truly a mystery. “Do you think Jenny, legit, does not figure out Adele’s scamminess, or does she just not recognize the extent to which the scamminess is serving Adele, instead of Jenny?” I don’t think Jenny notices anyone but Jenny. “How can you talk about Jenny’s legs without admitting they are always in dirty tights?” Why do you hate dirty tights? “Why do the YouTubers at the chapel at The Abbey hate Gaby?” I don’t know, have you ever talked to me? “Gaby, the lesbian in makeup, I’m obsessed.” Thank you, it is KimChi’s Make Me Happy palette and then, it is also Novena and then, my lipstick is MAC, but I put lip gloss over it. “Will we have a pee break?” No. “Tina’s parents scream ‘Tina!’ into the world, but no one is there to see them or hear them. Do they make a sound/exist?” I don’t know what that’s a reference to.

Riese: No.

Mal: Tina not having parents.

Riese: She doesn’t have parents.

Gaby: Oh, right. She doesn’t have parents.

Cerise: Tina’s parents don’t exist.

Gaby: “Do you wanna come to my parents’ house in Connecticut and use our pool?” Absolutely. “Is Gaby a femme top?” Yes. “Does Jenny’s relationship with William remind anyone else of Elizabeth Holmes?” That is hilarious, have you ever heard that woman talk? It’s crazy.

Carly: Very funny.

Gaby: “What writer decided that Foxworthy was a good last name for a character?” I’m sorry, have you never heard of comedian Jeff Foxworthy?

Brittani: Yeah, Jeff Foxworthy.

– “Did they use the original Dan Foxworthy actor? It seems like it was some other guy doing the voiceover, since we don’t actually see Dan, really.” That’s a great question, justice for Dan Foxworthy.

Carly: No, no, no.

Gaby: “Can you please recap ‘The Real L word’ when you finish recapping “The L Word?” Good God, no. “What is the ship name for Gaby and Mal?”

Carly: Gal.

Cerise: Gal.

Mal: No, don’t say it.

Riese: Mabby. Maby.

Gaby: Wasn’t it glum baby? Baby glum?

Riese: No.

Mal: I hate that one. I knew you were gonna say it.

Gaby: Baby glum!

Carly: Wow, this feels so—

Mal: Please don’t, please don’t.

Carly: Really went off the rails, huh?

Gaby: Nailed it.

Riese: Wow, that was rapid, that was. Great job Gaby, thank you.

Mal: Yeah.

Gaby: Thank you.

Mal: Somebody wrote, “How much coffee is in that goblet?”

Gaby: It’s red wine.

Cerise: It’s red wine, even better.

Riese: If you want to read recaps of The Real L Word that I spent insane amounts of time on several decades ago. They exist on autostraddle.com.

Gaby: Woof.

Carly: I don’t think I could get through a podcast where we had to recap The Real L Word, I don’t think I have it in me.

Riese: Well, we shouldn’t talk. We’ll probably do something else, but it won’t be that.

Carly: Why don’t you guys tell us what we should do next?

Mal: Oo, interesting.

Riese: Oh, did it just end automatically?

Mal: No, still on.

Carly: What, no, it’s still goin’.

Gaby: They said I could send you a tip.

Riese: I know, that came up for me too. I was like, “Oh.”

Carly: Is it over?

Mal: Does Crowdcast automatically cuts you off at like two hours, right?

Gaby: No.

Carly: We have two minutes left. Cool, so in that case—

Brittani: I’ll read the info.

Riese: Where’s Nicole?

Gaby: Read it, read it, read it.

Carly: All right, here’s what’s up.

Riese: Lauren said we’re good on time.

Mal: Oh, sorry.

Carly: Oh, great. We’re gonna talk forever.

Cerise: Great. It’s nice to see all of you, by the way.

Carly: I know. I really missed everybody very much.

Riese: I wish we were in the same room, in a different time period.

Carly: I know.

Mal: Which time period?

Carly: The 1800s!

Gaby: No, we would all be—

Mal: Nah.

Gaby: First of all, if it was 1800, you would be dead of disease or burned at the stake, so no.

Brittani: You’d own me!

Cerise: Yeah, Brittani and I would be waiting on y’all.

Gaby: We cannot go to the 1800s.

Carly: I don’t know actually wanna go to the 1800s, oh my God.

Riese: No, I meant like earlier this year.

Gaby: Can I say something? I feel like if it was the 1800s, Carly would be doing an Albert Nobbs.

Mal: What?

Gaby: And we’d just be like—

Carly: Oh no.

Gaby: Do you know what I mean?

Mal: What’s a Albert Nobbs?

Gaby: Like pretending to be a manservant.

Carly: I’d be Glenn Close, dressed as a man. How did they feel about Jews in the 1800s?

Gaby: Not good!

Cerise: Not good.

Carly: So we’d all be in great shape.

Cerise: Yeah, you all would be locked up and we’d be taking care of y’all in jail, that’s—

Carly: Great, this took a turn.

Riese: I was thinking like January 2020.

Mal: January of 2020, like last year.

Carly: Sure.

Riese: Let’s go back to “The L Word Live,” like at the—

Carly: Yes!

Gaby: Aw.

Mal: You wanna go back to 2009?

Carly: No, December of 2019.

Mal: Oh.

Carly: Mal, I need you to catch up.

Gaby: When we did “The L Word Live.”

Riese: It was temperate, mostly.

Gaby: Guys, we’ve been in this for so long. Is Trump dead, can someone tell us?

Riese: Oh yeah, totally.

Carly: This is actually the longest I’ve gone without checking Twitter in four days, so—

Gaby: Let us know if Trump is dead.

Cerise: He’s not, Gaby, I’m sorry.

Gaby: Come on!

Cerise: He checked out of the hospital today, but the doctor said he’s “not out of the woods yet,” quote unquote.

Gaby: Put him back in the woods. Shove him into the woods! Into the woods! Straight back to the woods, baby!

Carly: He’s gonna die, he’s gonna die, I know it. I feel it in my bones.

Mal: People are saying he’s tweeting a lot.

Gaby: He’s having steroid psychosis. And I know, as someone who’s experienced psychosis, that’s what he’s doing. Tweeting a lot is symptom numero uno, baby.

Carly: All caps tweets.

Riese: All caps, “401K. VOTE.”

Gaby: Last time I had a bipolar psychotic breakdown, I just typed, “401K. VOTE. SECOND AMENDMENT. VOTE.”

Riese: He descended a flight of stairs, turned to face his helicopter, and then, immediately removed his mask.

Carly: And then, he had a hard time breathing for five minutes, while he waved and saluted and then went inside, maskless. Anyway.

Cerise: God, love it. Love to see it.

Gaby: Guys, I’m not making a joke. I do have bipolar disorder, I’m allowed to make fun.

Carly: Gaby’s allowed.

Gaby: I’m allowed, don’t cancel me.

Mal: Yes, Pence needs to go, too. The chat’s saying, “But what about Pence?” No, no, no, they both need to go.

Gaby: President Pelosky, baby.

Carly: No.

Cerise: I just need to state here that, as a journalist, I have no opinion on all of these things.

Mal: Shit, sorry.

Gaby: I’m like, “Cancel me, bitch!” And Cerise is like, “I have no opinion. I am working as a reporter.”

Riese: Cerise, speaking of you working as a reporter, should we talk about you guys and where our readers—

Carly: Oh my God, yes.

Riese: Can find, follow you, and just get more of you in their lives?

Carly: Yeah, yes.

Cerise: Yeah, totally, follow me on Twitter, I’m @cerisecastle. Cerise is kind of weird to spell. I’m sorry.

Brittani: Spell it.

Cerise: C-E-RI-S-E, and my last name is Castle, like where a queen lives, because that’s me.

Mal: Wow.

Cerise: So yeah, check me out, I’m a reporter. I talk about important things.

Gaby: In my version of this, your name is Jerise Kingdom.

Mal: Wow, Gaby’s a new Cerise fan. Wow, what a delightful person.

Cerise: Aw. Thanks, Mal.

Gaby: Oh, my God.

Carly: Oh my God, we’re all out of our minds. Brittani, plug your things.

Brittani: Oh, Brittani Nichols is my name. You can find me @bishilarious on Twitter and Instagram, and if you live in LA and you’re voting, check out the KNOCK voter guide.

Carly: Hell yeah, it is currently open in a tab on my computer because my ballot arrived today and I’m so excited to fill it out and drop it off.

Gaby: Woo!

Cerise: Fuck yeah voting is so cool. I can say that.

Mal: B is hilarious.

Carly: Mal Blum, where can folks find you?

Mal: Right here in my studio, baby.

Cerise: What are you doing?

Mal: What is that? Is that—

Cerise: Why are you exposing me, God! Why is my girlfriend putting me on blast?

Mal: I just wanna make sure I understand.

Cerise: Jesus Christ.

Mal: That’s the cowboy emoji with a strap-on?

Cerise: Yes!

Mal: That’s what I saw. Okay.

Carly: I saw that, as well.

Cerise: That’s what I like!

Mal: Great, great! I love that for you, I do.

Gaby: Cowboy hat, cowboy hat!

Mal: Yeah, I did re-watch Brokeback Mountain yesterday. And so you know, I’ve been really thinking about cowboys.

Gaby: Where can people actually find you?

Mal: Sorry, I’m sorry. I started thinking about Brokeback Mountain again. I’m Mal Blum, @malblum. M like Mal, A-L-B-L-U-M, and that’s everywhere, on Instagram and Twitter and—

Cerise: Does Baby Glum have an Instagram yet?

Mal: Aw man, I really hope Baby Glum doesn’t catch on.

Gaby: Baby Glum does not have an Instagram.

Cerise: I’mma make it tonight.

Gaby: Yeah I’m on board with that. If someone could make fan vids of me and Mal and have a Twitter you guys saw. Can only just say secretly, before we were out as a couple, I really did enjoy watching people speculate on Twitter. It was very fun for me.

Riese: Did you like it, Mal?

Mal: Yeah, I didn’t mind it. Gaby really loves… Gaby, what’s that called? It’s not compersion, but Gaby really likes when people are like, “I like your partner.” “Your partner’s hot,” or whatever, Gaby’s like, “Yeah, I love that shit.” And I’m like, “I don’t care.”

Gaby: It’s validating.

Mal: It’s validation, yes.

Gaby: I’m Gaby Dunn.

Riese: Gaby loves validation.

Gaby: You can find me @gabydunn on Twitter, but Twitter’s kind of overrated. So I’m on Instagram at @gabyroad now. And I had a show come out September 24, on Audible, called “Apocalypse Untreated,” and Brittani wrote it with me. And so you should — if you like me and also Brittani, you should go listen to it. It’s called “Apocalypse Untreated.” There is a character named Brittani that I just handed it to Brittani and said, “Write what you would say.” So enjoy that.

Mal: It’s really good. It seriously is really good.

Gaby: Thank you.

Mal: You both did a really great job.

Gaby: Thank you. So listen to that, if you like both of us. Or just Brittani, if you only like Brittani, then also listen to it.

Brittani: Or you like each of us half. And then, it equals one like.

Gaby: Yes, exactly.

Carly: All right, thank you for clearing that up. Riese is @autowin and I’m @carlytron. This show is @tolandback and of course, Autostraddle is autostraddle.com and @autostraddle. Did I do all of the credits? We have a merch store, store.autostraddle.com, whatever. Our theme song is by Be Steadwell. Our logo is by Carra Sykes. And this podcast is produced and edited and engineered, and this whole livestream situation was organized and is being produced, as we speak, by Lauren Klein. Lauren, we love you.

Mal: Yay, Karen!

Carly: She’s got 12 screens up in her office right now, it’s amazing. I made her take a photo, she’ll send it to me.

Riese: She’s also an amateur woodworker who makes great furniture.

Carly: Incredible stuff, yeah. She made her all her office furniture. I’m really proud of her.

Riese: And not out of boxes, like I did in 2010.

Carly: So now, we’re at the point of the show where we say our L words.

Mal: Oh shit.

Carly: Has everyone got an L word?

Brittani: Yeah.

Cerise: Yeah, let’s do it.

Carly: Alright. Riese, you wanna count us in? Riese is still thinking of an L word.

Gaby: Uh-oh.

Carly: I know that face, she’s looking around her apartment to see something that starts with the letter L.

Brittani: Oh boy. It’s taking a while.

Carly: This is gonna take a minute. The thing is that we edit out the long pause in the podcast where we both have to think about words.

Gaby: I have one.

Cerise: Thanks, Gaby.

Carly: And I think everybody — y’all are doing this in the chat, but everyone say an L word in the chat too! Okay, Riese, count us in.

Riese: Okay, one, two, three.

Carly: Riese, what’d you say?

Riese: I said laminate.

Carly: Great, Gaby, what’d you say?

Gaby: Lasagna, which is what we were eating, me and Mal.

Carly: Mal, what’d you say?

Mal: I said Lunchables because I panicked.

Carly: Brittani, what’d you say?

Brittani: Lithium.

Carly: Cerise, what did you say?

Cerise: Languish.

Carly: Oo, that’s a good one.

Mal: Oo.

Carly: I said “losing” because that’s what happened to my beloved LA Sparks and they’re out. And now, I just really am hoping that Vegas can turn it around because everyone’s really here to just hear me talk about the WMBA. All right.

Gaby: I am.

Carly: I know.

Riese: I am.

Carly: Well, looks like we did it. We successfully got through this episode. It only took—

Riese: We didn’t read all of the chats.

Carly: I know, I missed like everything in the chat today.

Riese: This is so cute because also, this is the first time that our listeners have ever been in the same spot, able to talk to each other, I think. We finally got this going at episode 509 and it’s—

Gaby: You guys should make a Discord! If you’re a listener of this show, make a Discord for “To L and Back,” and then invite everyone to the Discord.

Cerise: Oo.

Riese: I don’t know what that is.

Gaby: Do it.

Brittani: It’s a very overwhelming app.

Carly: Sounds like a lot.

Riese: I still just got into TikTok, so—

Gaby: Every so often, I like to pop into the Mal Blum Discord and just be like, “Hi guys, it’s me. How’s it going?”

Mal: I did a couple webcasts on Crowdcast and the chat made a Discord, it’s just a forum.

Gaby: And then, I like to pop in and go, “Ugh, I’m such a big fan, I wish Mal would recognize me.” Just for fun. Make a Discord, guys, do it.

Riese: I think we got a lot of insight today into what makes a relationship work, in a lot of different ways.

Carly: That’s true.

Mal: Elevator sex.

Riese: Good. We didn’t get it from the show, but we got it from our wonderful guests.

Carly: Thank you so much, to our wonderful guests, for being our wonderful guests. We love you all very much.

Riese: Yeah.

Mal: Thanks for having us.

Brittani: We love you, too.

Gaby: Bye, we love you, too.

Carly: I miss all of you, even though we live in the same city.

Cerise: Pandemics be like that.

Carly: Let’s all hang out in a field somewhere soon. Thank you so much to everyone who is here. It says there are 510 people listening to this and chatting and oh my God, y’all have been here since six.

Mal: Yeah.

Carly: That’s over two hours.

Riese: This was fun.

Carly: This was really fun.

Riese: I got nervous, but it was really fun and it was really cool. I can’t wait to read all your messages. I feel really warmed. I mean physically, but also in my heart.

Gaby: Aw.

Carly: But not like the blackout warm.

Riese: Yeah, no this is nice.

Mal: Like a liquid heat?

Gaby: Bean, Bean, Bean, Bean.

Riese: Not a liquid heat.

Cerise: “Liquid heat!” Shut up, Mal.

Riese: It’s the sweat that’s right here, right here. That’s where I’m sweating, in case anyone’s—

Carly: Wow, there we go. Thank y’all for being here, this was a real treat. Yeah, I guess that’s it, I guess we’re done.

Gaby: Bye!

Cerise: Bye!

Riese: Bye, guys!

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3238 articles for us.

1 Comment

  1. This was so much fun to watch — thank you, Riese, Carly, and Lauren for being a ray of sunshine in podcast form. I hope you’re able to do more live eps in the future! This show had the sweetest chat I’ve ever encountered on the internet. Also, I was so distracted by how attractive everyone is that I definitely missed parts of the conversation. I’m very grateful for the transcript here 😂

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