What was your reaction when you found out the baby is due on your wedding anniversary?
BOTH: Shock.
NIKKI: I’ve been Flipping, filming this, since day one just to have the footage for ourselves and for Flip Fridays… and I also made a film for our parents so they wouldn’t miss any part of the journey. When the doctors told us the due date our reaction was, “Oh my God. October 9th was the happiest day of our lives and now it’s going to be all over again… if he comes on that date.” It really is B’shert as we say in Yiddish. It’s meant to be.
JILL: I second that. I think between being blessed that it worked on our first try and then hearing that we’re due on our anniversary we kind of looked at each other and thought, “Wow, this really is meant to be.”
NIKKI: We always thought when we were going through the insemination process our baby will choose to come to us when he or she is ready. We really were stress free about that. We truly believed it.
[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbyEn1qww_0′]
I’m curious what your deal-breakers and must-haves were in choosing an anonymous donor?
NIKKI: It took us four months to decide on a donor and I think for both of us the health history was extremely important. You end up knowing more about this donor’s health history than you would about your own spouse’s! We extensively went through these medical records — cancers, genetic diseases, things like that. We also wanted a donor that came across as a kind, gentle, loving person with good ethics, someone who was close with their family was important to us…. someone who was artistic and athletic was also really important. So many of those traits come from nurture, not necessarily nature, but it was very appealing to recognize them in the donor.
JILL: After the first few things were checked off our list, with health history being the most important, then we looked at physical characteristics. The cryobank allowed us to send in a picture of Nikki and they furnished us with donor profiles that had similar features to her, which was wonderful.
NIKKI: Like green eyes, fair skin, straight hair. So he doesn’t look like the milk man’s child, you know? [laughing]
JILL: So the main thing was to find someone healthy who had Nik’s features. Then we were able to listen to audio interviews to get a sense of this person’s demeanor. And we came across a gentleman who was compassionate, articulate, soft-spoken and just very impressive to us overall. Once we arrived there, it became kind of fun for us because we would go back and forth just trading features — like “I’ll give you artistic if you give me athletic!” [laughing] Kind of a bargaining system.
NIKKI: Because of course I want him to grow up to be a fabulous A-level film director and Jill would like him to be a professional athlete. What was really interesting and affirming to us that we picked the right donor is when we asked to get additional health testing done — which he didn’t have to participate in if he didn’t want to — but he did it right away and turned it around within like a 24 hour period. He’d already fulfilled everything he needed to do with the cyrobank but went the extra mile anyway and it reaffirmed why we choose him.
Can you talk about the adoption process Nikki is going through?
NIKKI: What’s concerning to us is that people who are fortunate to have gay marriage legalized in their state don’t realize that it’s still not enough to protect you and your spouse. Issues like taxes, estate taxes, parenting, health care… nothing is implemented unless you specifically hire an attorney, an estate planner and in our case, an adoption attorney as well to put together these legal documents. Gay marriage is basically a false sense of security because it’s not recognized federally. I think that couples don’t realize that the minute they leave their state or even the country their rights are challenged. Just because you’re legally married in New York has no bearing if you move to another state that doesn’t recognize marriage. So, it becomes really important to put your affairs in order and one of those affairs for us was to make sure I was legally adopting the baby. My understanding is that they do a full background check on me: they will have me fingerprinted, they will do a case study and come to my home. It’s disheartening in one sense but I respect the adoption process in general and so I understand why they have to do it… but still it’s upsetting. But then once the baby is born and all those documents are in place I would go to court for the finalization of everything. We’re starting the process ahead of time so that everything is approved once the baby is here and my adoption is fully legalized.
What do you think of Obama coming out in support of gay marriage? There is some press saying it may cost him the election.
JILL: I think it was a tremendously positive step in the right direction. It’s obviously historical with him being the first president to come out in support and think it will help shape the discussion that we’re having as a country. But, I also think it’s risky. I think the unfortunate part about it is he still believes that it should be a state issue, which is where we encounter challenges. I believe there are around 30 states where it’s banned now. So, until this is recognized federally it’s just going to be a constant battle because as she was explaining, your rights are only protected so far and once you leave the state they are challenged. So, I think it’s a great start. It scares me that it would cost him the election… that so many people would use that as a point to turn away from him. I always say that if you don’t believe in gay marriage, if your religion doesn’t allow you to accept these kinds of relationships, so be it. That’s your opinion and I respect your opinion. But where do you then get the right to tell the rest of us how to live our lives? Show some respect back.
How do you think the election is going to go in November?
NIKKI: I really hope that Obama wins for so many reasons but I have no idea. I think this country is a mess.
