Well I don’t know about YOU but I personally saw a faded sign on the side of the road that said fifteen miles to the LOVE SHACCCKKKKK? So did our favorite musical trio: Shane, Bette and Alice.
For anybody unaware of the background here: Leisha Hailey is a professional musician (she was in the Murmurs also Uh Huh Her, a band I famously adore) and played a musician in All Over Me. Jennifer Beals can sing too, and did so in “Blood and Concrete” (1991) and They Shoot Divas Don’t They (2002).
If you’d like to see a video of the performance with *just* the song audio on it and no crowd noise or crowd shots, you can do so right here.
Can every night be karaoke night? Can we have a musical episode?
I’m honestly having a great time, and every time the camera shifts to a member of the crowd, it appears that this performance has thrust everybody into a wild state of ecstasy. Finley wins, though:
And nobody is having less fun than Gigi, who is a little tipsy and increasingly preoccupied about Bette for reasons that are unfortunately quite familiar to me: “It’s amazing how the ego takes a hit even if you know somebody isn’t right for you,” Gigi tells Dani, apropos of nothing. Dani shares that she feels good with Sophie. Gigi says closure is powerful.
Dani and Bette greet each other with the warmth of two women that many members of the internet have sexual fantasies about. Dani tells Bette she’s been “working on something for us” that will certainly please Bette, seeing how deeply Bette has always been a huge fan of Daddy’s Evil Incorporated.
Meanwhile in the backroom, Tess confronts Shane: she wants to know why Cherie broke up with her because she’s pretty suspicious that the reason starts with S and ends with E and it’s not Sophie, Science or legendary recording artist Sade.
Gay Squabble #22: Who’s Delusional Now?
In the Ring: Tess vs. Shane
Content: Cherie told Tess that they needed to break up because it was “messy” and she wanted to “take herself out of the mix,” and Tess “calls bullshit” on Shane saying this decision did not follow Cherie and Shane having sexual activities. Shane knows she screwed up with Lena, but that was like, between three weeks and two years ago and she’s totally changed now? Tess says Shane has got the look of guilt on her face, declares herself done, and leaves.
Who Wins? Clea
Gigi saddles up to Bette Porter, wall of stone, at the bar, and asks if she wants to fuck in the bathroom and then immediately says she was kidding.
But what Gigi really wants is some closure of her own and Bette is so vehemently against this request for direct communication — albeit coming from a slightly drunk woman wearing 15% of a turtleneck sweater — that she is in fact smug, repulsed, and a incredibly mean.
Gigi: What went so wrong with us, Bette.?
Bette: You really wanna talk about this? Like now?
Gigi: Yeah, yeah I do.
Bette: Okay. Um. I think we both know that we’re not right for each other.
Gigi: I’m curious about your perspective.
Bette: I think I need… more?
Gigi: Do you really think there’s someone out there who checks all your boxes, Bette?
Bette: As a matter of fact I know there is.
She is of course referring to Pippa, who she very recently told her friends she was only pursuing as a client! But this is unfathomably unnecessary and cruel to say to anyone, let alone someone you’ve dated casually who has never wronged or insulted you on any level.
Maybe being as hot as Gigi enables a person to maintain their ego against all odds, but again, as with Micah earlier in the episode, if I were Gigi I would be in the process of changing my name and putting a deposit down on a mansion in rural North Dakota.
Guess who’s here? It’s Tom! He is coming straight from the wedding of his nightmares, wherein his ex married his best friend and Great Aunt Gilda was coming on strong. Alice is tentatively flirty about his outfit.
Tom was stoked when Alice texted — and she’s jazzed about this until she realizes it’s not because he wants to bang in a parking lot but because he’d been dying for an excuse to get the hell out of that wedding. He is not alone in his seeming assumption that Alice, while bisexual, is only interested in women, and volunteers to be her wingman.
Micah tells Dani that Maribel isn’t gonna date him until she solves the crisis at the border, or something, and Dani suggests that he bury his emotions and instead go talk to a hot guy who has been staring at him all night!
This leaves Dani alone for a mere moment because almost immediately Gigi slips in to join her, just in time for Sophie to send her a drink because this is 1959 and what on G-d’s barely-green decomposing earth is going on here??
Shane tries calling Tess, who doesn’t pick up. She heads outside, where Finley is practicing telling Sophie not to hit on her. Her first rehearsal produces the following slice of improv: “I’m gonna say it again, I love you, I think I’ve always loved you, and BE WITH ME!”
Shane reminds Finley that she has a job, Tess bailed, and Shane thus needs Finley to do said job. “I fed the rats so you don’t need to worry about that,” Finley tells her on her way back inside.
Bette’s skipped out on karaoke night and has re-located to an art exhibit featuring the students of the one and only Pippa Pascal, who is somehow both hidden in the canyons of Topenga AND teaching graduate students at a local University.
Pippa’s aggravated to see Bette — this is not the place for a pitch — but Bette says she’s not there for Pippa, she’s there for one of Pippa’s students. Slick.
Back at Karaoke, the unrequested drama continues! This time, it’s Maribel who spots Micah flirting with a man and decides to go right over and give him a piece of her mind.
Squabble #23: Grind Up On This
In the Ring: Micah vs. Maribel
Maribel: Was I just an experiment to you? Just to see what it would be like to sleep with a woman?
Micah: That – That is not —
Maribel: Cuz it sorta feels that way.
Micah: Wait, what do you mean? I just asked you out and you shot me down!
Maribel: I didn’t shoot you down!
Micah: You weren’t exactly excited or even open to the idea of dating.
Maribel: Oh I’m so sorry I wasn’t enthusiastic enough for you! Maybe I should smile more too?
Micah: That is not what I meant and you know that’s not what I meant.
Maribel: Maybe I was a little nervous.
Micah: Were you?
Maribel: Of course, I’m human. But instead of asking for clarification you find the hottest guy here to grind up on.
Who Wins? Micah should’ve asked for clarification, but sleeping with your friend is pretty vulnerable and nerve-wracking for both of them — she explicitly shot him down and I don’t blame him for reading the room and moving on to other possibilities. Truly I have no clue what’s going on with these two but I hope to find out soon!
Because the fine gentlewoman Sophie sent m’lady Dani a beverage across ye olde karaoke bar for reasons unknown, Dani sojourns in her direction to inquire and before long, banter is afoot!
Dani: Was that an apology for brutally abandoning me at the altar in front of all my friends and family? Because I’m gonna need more than a drink for that one.
Sophie: Can we just pretend to be nice to each other?
Dani: This is me pretending to be nice. [pause] Does everyone cheat? is that just something everyone does?
I wondered here if Dani knew that Gigi cheated on Nat, or if she’s simply thinking of what little we do know she definitely knows — Felicity cheating on her husband, Jose cheating on his husband, Sophie cheating on her, etc.
This is such a pure moment: Dani, new to dating, trying to navigate the norms and determine what she should accept and what bears examination.
Sophie tells her she looks great and Dani’s like, “I know.”
Of course Finley walks out onto the bar floor at the exact moment Dani and Sophie are touching each other affectionately (for, again, reasons unbenknownst to me) and thus turns on her heels and returns to the backroom, which is not exactly what Shane had instructed!
Sophie chases Finley into the back room to find her very upset. Finley was gonna ask Sophie to stop hitting on her, but realized she didn’t have to after all, ’cause Sophie’s out there with Dani. Sophie insists she’s not back together with Dani and — you know what? Let’s fight it out.
Lesbian Squabble #24: And I Don’t Know How To Hold You Without Shaking
In The Ring: Sophie vs Finley
Finley doesn’t want a friendship. “I think I’ve been pretty clear about that,” she says, accurately. As mentioned in an earlier recap, there are many extras who can absolutely testify to this fact. But Sophie heard her fucking someone else! Finley thinks Sophie should know that wasn’t real! Finley’s just trying to get over Sophie but she’s making it so hard!
Finley: You asked me to stay and I stayed. Right. Then you asked for space so I gave you space. and any time I’m near you I feel something and I just — do you feel it? Do you feel it? Or am I fucking crazy?
Sophie: Yes, okay, you’re not crazy.
Finley: Then what the fuck, dude?
Sophie says it’s just hard! There’s so much to consider. Not Dani, but everybody. “Nobody thinks we should be together,” says Sophie, and I would like to disagree on the behalf of Sinley shippers everywhere — I believe there are at least 35 of us — and likely everybody who was at the wedding and hopes all that drama was worth it for somebody. “I don’t give a fuck what everybody else thinks,” Finley screams. Sophie shuts the door. She doesn’t want to make a scene. Because you know; they’ve made a few scenes. Finley is crying. “You’re never gonna choose me, are you?” Sophie can only sigh.
Who Wins? Finley. She made her case and put her foot down, despite how painful it is to do so.
Sophie’s hesitancy is unkind but it’s also clear where it’s coming from — Finley’s choice to disclose their affair in a backwards hat humiliated Dani, ruined an expensive wedding at the Bachelor Mansion and outed both her and Finley as very emotionally reckless human beings. In all the ensuing moments of their mutual lives, this choice has continued to deliver consequences: Finley losing her job, Sophie losing her dining room table and red pepper, Dani losing her mind, both Sophie and Finley losing some respect. Sophie lied! Finley fucked up!
What Sophie doesn’t realize yet is most of their peers ultimately don’t give a shit and she has to do what’s right for her own heart. Once the drama has faded, everyone returns to their own self-obsession and whatever is easiest for them socially. Nobody is thinking about the implications of Sophie aligning herself publicly with Finley half as much as Sophie is — including Finley.
And come on, is it really better to say “that’s not mine” than it is to say “that is mine, and we know that we got here the wrong way, but we did need to get here somehow”?
Back out on the dance floor, Alice can’t make the first move with Tom ’cause rejection is a bit intimidating right now. Sophie tells her she can’t be scared forever.
Alice: “I think one more night of crippling fear is okay.”
Sophie: “Not for me I don’t think.”
Alice: “No?”
Sophie: “Finley’s not that bad.”
Alice: “I know that! I love her!”
Sophie: “Yeah. So do I.”
And ta-da: that’s enough, I think, for Sophie. Just even this one singular person she respects being on board with the relationship, even this one person reminding her that the only person worried about her image w/r/t dating Finley is Sophie herself. And maybe she should just fucking go for it and stop hurting Finley!
Finley continues shining as the worst employee of the year as she paces in the kitchen, feeling wholly entitled to Shane’s focus and attention because she is “actually in pain.”
Shane’s advice for Finley (and also for her and Tess, it seems) is that if they both have feelings for each other, what’s the problem? Finley groans when she hears the opening chords of “Closer” by the esteemed Tegan & Sara. Because that’s their song. Obviously.
“Is it?” Shane asks. “Because…”
Finley’s eyes light up like a child on Christmas morning about to rip open a giant box of Tinker Toys. Sophie’s singing their song!
Finley is dazzled by this sudden and welcome announcement of Sophie’s deep actual feelings and desires via the eternal Lesbian Love Language of Tegan & Sara lyrics. You can see in this moment that Finley has never before been the recipient of a grand gesture. She stands in front of the stage like a geeky groupie, blissed out and full of that hope she’d lost in her eyes. Sophie is scared but ready to own her feelings, every word, adding, sometimes, her own words to the song, as cringey as that insertion is. But, speaking of awkward —
Listen I love love, I love this rom-com moment and that in true lesbian rom-com fashion it involves Tegan & Sara. But…. Dani is here, you morons!!!! And guess what you’re kinda making a scene!!
Dani is here and so if Sophie must do it this way, and I don’t think she must, maybe give Micah a heads-up to remove Dani from the premises before she begins? Maybe don’t literally insert Finley’s name into the song or give an aside like and this is true about Finley thinking about her underneath her. Does Dani deserve to witness this, let alone witness an entire room of clueless extras cheering for Sinley? My friends, she does not!
And this is why, as soon as Dani sees that Sophie is singing and Finley is standing in front of her like a silly kid just gazing and elbow-crushing to this love song, she gets the absolute fuck out of there and I believe she will shortly be filing a lawsuit against the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern.
