Back at Bette’s House of Divorce, Mama T wants to see Angie’s driver’s license!
Angie’s curious why, if Tina misses her so much, she doesn’t live in Los Angeles. And Tina’s like listen Angie, I’ve been painting in Toronto. I love art. I went all the way to Paris, where Lara had her cooking class and mud bath, and showed my paintings! One day Bette Porter will buy my painting and hang it on her wall and it will ALL BE WORTH IT.
Just kidding. Tina says she got lost. She didn’t feel like she could find herself unless she left Bette. I feel like I’ve had the precursor to this conversation with exes before. Listen: I think Bette needs a partner who’s already found herself. That wasn’t Tina. Every time they broke up she got a little closer into figuring herself out, but maybe that was never far enough. However, none of this checks out w/r/t Tina leaving Bette FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Tina, find yourself alone bb.
Tina felt like half a person and didn’t want Angie to just have half a mom, which’s similar to when your pizza only has cheese on half of it because your wife who takes up too much space is vegan. After this deep explanation of why Laurel Holloman didn’t wanna be on the reboot, Angie’s got something of her own to share: SHE KISSED JORDI TODAY!!!! Tina is SO excited for her. SO ARE WE!
Out on the dark mean streets of Los Angeles City of Dreams, Finley and Sophie are drunk biking home and Sophie’s telling Finley she’s not broken because evreyadkajduybody LOVES her. “No they don’t, dude,” Finley insists. Sophie’s like, yeah the hot bartender loves you, and Father Rebecca loves you…Â mmm. Not quite!
“You’re the best part of my day,” Sophie slurs. “I love the shit out of you, man.” Finley rides on, Sophie’s hands snug around her waist.
Over at Natalice’s, the Thruple is going REALLY well so far! Everybody’s mad at each other, so Gigi’s gonna kiss Alice goodbye and go home to her own house. Alice tells Nat she’s being a little mean to Gigi and Nat’s upset that Alice is taking Gigi’s side.
The children did a little art project while their parents were out yelling at each other in traffic! Everybody gets a little card with a tiny compliment. For example, they love making breakfast with Gigi. Also, they love when Nat reads them stories. And you know, they uh…. love when Alice fills up the swear jar.
Time to talk about their relationship again! Ladies: if you spend more time talking about your relationship than having your relationship, maybe it’s broken. Nat says she’s just overwhelmed — she has all these feelings for Gigi. Good ones, bad ones, old ones, new ones. Leftover ones. Ex-wife feelings, You know how it is. But also: she loves Alice! She’s not confused about that. “I’ve always been an open person, you know that. And I think you and I are in a really good place,” says Alice. Nat agrees, even though they are both wrong. Everything’s okay now and they can invite Gigi back over.
Also, a moment for the art:
Alice: “Do we look like penises?”
Nat: “Oh yeah, they’re all cocks. Always.”
Back at Bette Porter’s House of Pain, Dani is determined to carry this campaign across the finish line into the land of political glory, with or without Pierce. She will not give up on Bette Porter! Probably she saw her grab that guy on the highway and scream HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT ALREADY and knows Bette has it in her to win this!!!!
Tyler’s lawyer won’t sue if Bette makes a public apology. “He can go fuck himself,” Bette suggests. Excuse me but he attacked Bette’s child and also Bette? What on G-d’s green earth would Bette have to apologize for? WHAT IS HAPPENING. Dani says that Bette’s got two options: drop out of the race or “give the speech that only she can give.” Dani thinks Bette has the power to change people because she changed Dani. She changed Dani into someone who hasn’t texted her girlfriend all day! That’s art, man. So Bette gets up and goes outside.
Bette has chosen option three: give a mediocre speech that doesn’t make sense or address the issue. She informs THE PRESS that her FAMOUS sister Kit Porter died of a heroin overdose, which somehow none of them already knew. Kit got in a car accident and was prescribed opioids by a doctor who didn’t ask if she was an addict. (Sidenote: it seems like she’s implying Kit shouldn’t have been prescribed opioids at all, but there are extensive established processes for how to responsibly handle pain management with addicts, which can include opioids.) Bette says that the doctor failed her and the intake system failed her and the drug companies failed her and that’s when Bette decided she wanted to be a hospital administrator become a doctor expose the for-profit healthcare industry run for mayor! Bette’s speech continues — she’s talking about chosen family now, and the support systems she has that not everybody has — as we segue gently into a montage of all kinds of queer families!
Bette and Tina in bed with Angie in the future…
Alice and Nat and Gigi in bed with the kiddos…
Shane and Quiara cuddling on Shane’s fancy porch…
Dani going home to find her fiancee spooning on the couch with Finley after a bro-tastic bro night…
Bette tells the press that never spoke about Kit before DESPITE HER BEING FAMOUS ’cause she didn’t want to exploit her family’s pain but this is bigger than her. She’s going to fight for everybody’s family, including everybody who’s ever eaten at the Olive Garden. Bette for Mayor!!!!
Don’t worry, bluebells, we’ve still got time for one more fight before this episode tucks itself in for the night. Sophie’s awake and ready to communicate!
Lesbian Squabble #21: Lost In Space
In The Ring: Dani vs. Sophie
Content: Dani’s fucking exhausted and needs some space, but Sophie says all she does is give Dani fucking space! Enough with the space! Sophie is drunk. It’s 3 AM. This is not a great time for a talk! “I just want you to talk,” says Sophie, as if I did not just point out it’s not a great time to talk. “I don’t have anything to say!” screams Dani. Both of you need to go to sleep. Let your bodies be each others comfort tonight, little lambs!
Who Wins? Dani
Great speech, says Tina. But Tina’s gotta go!
Bette’s gonna be a great mayor, gotta go! Gotta go bye! Tina loves Bette but gotta go! Bette loves her too! GTG though! Bye gotta go! “I am your family, you know?” Tina says. Still though, she’s gotta go. Let’s do a little hug first.
“Please don’t go,” Bette says, holding her tighter.
Gotta stay?
The Round Up:
Sexy Moments: ZERO this episode, 14 total
Squabbles:Â 4 this episode, 20 total
Throwbacks: 1 this episode, 20 total
Quote of the Week: “I sleep with strangers and priests.” -Finley
