The plan for the day at Stately Quinn Manor is to hang out with Robert’s dad, Robert Quinn Sr., who is played by Patrick Duffy who is most famous for being Bobby Ewing on Dallas and that is just a perfect piece of casting. I’m sorry if you were born in the ’90s and do not understand how amazing this is. Robert Sr. loves Sophia more than anything on this earth, and definitely more than he loves Robert Jr.
Robert Sr.: These mint juleps are delicious. Also, why is Callie here?
Robert Jr.: Because she is my child.
Robert Sr.: Well, Sophia is your main child and maybe if you’d spent less time stalking this one and paying attention to that one, Sophia wouldn’t have walked in front of a bus.
Sophia: Um, that’s not how chemical imbalances work? They don’t go away with attention?
Robert Sr.: Shh, hush, precious. Robert, you’re the worst.
Robert Jr.: No, YOU’RE the worst! Maybe if you hadn’t made me leave Callie’s mom, none of this would have ever happened!
Sophia: Well, I sure wouldn’t have happened.
Robert Sr.: I said hush, Sophia!
Sophia: Super glad I got out of the mental hospital for this.
Robert Sr.: Look, all I’m saying is you’ve got one kid who clearly needs you and one kid who absolutely does not, so why are you focusing all your energy on ruining the life of the one who is just fine without you?
Valid, Bobby Ewing. Valid.
After dinner, Robert finds Callie in the back garden staring out over his kingdom. He tells her he’s sorry about his dad, and she tells him it’s cool and they he should remember that she loves him, no matter what happens. Robert doesn’t find this ominous in any way because people who own actual yachts hear things differently than the rest of humanity, and so he is bamboozled beyond belief when his lawyer calls a few minutes later and tells him Callie is trying to get emancipated. Robert loads her up in his Mercedes and drives her home and won’t even talk to her because he’s a giant baby and a cautionary tale for Brandon.
When Robert drops off Callie and Callie explains that he found out about the thing, Stef is like, “I’ll fix this too, all by myself!” And Lena is like, “I’ll just go text with Monty then, I guess!”
Because here’s what’s happening there: Monty and Lena are getting super, duper close. They’re good at being a team, which is a thing Stef is shutting Lena out of being with her of right now. They make each other laugh, which is a thing Stef and Lena are definitely not doing right now. And Lena is telling way too much of her off-limits business to Monty, which is one of the trickiest things about being a gay lady with other gay lady friends. Because lady-lady friendships are super intimate because ladies are the best. And from Monty’s angle, I mean, what person on earth is not going to fall in love with Lena Adams Foster? She’s a human marvel.
The problem — well, one of the problems — with falling for your buddies is that buddy relationships aren’t tethered to the same responsibilities as romantic relationships, so you’re falling for a mirage. I also wish pizza didn’t have calories, but that’s not real life. Are you listening to me, Lena?
Lena and Monty spend all day hanging out and doing work and talking about their lives and their insecurities and and their fears and winning grants to keep their school going strong, and when Lena finally breaks down about how worried she is about the one zillion stressors in her life, Monty hugs her (fine), keeps hugging her (less fine), puts a hand in her hair (mostly not fine), puts a hand on her cheek (not fine), and kisses her (super not fine). It lasts a nanosecond before Lena jerks away, and they’re both shocked. You never think you’re going to do the thing you always knew you were going to do! They grab their shit and launch themselves in different directions toward the same auditorium.
Because it is dance-off time. Caitlin’s stupid team stole Mariana’s dystopian robot theme, but who even cares because Emma and Mariana have tag-teamed to code an army of CGI Storm Troopers who perform in the dark with glowing hearts to the absolute mania of the crowd. No one notices that they only have five real dancers! Rules are not for people with adrenalized hyperreality!
While Mariana is dancing, Brandon is playing his self-composed contemporary piano piece for one of the people from classical music summer camp. It’s very good.
And while Brandon is still playing, Mariana and Jesus and Anna are driving home from the dance competition. And Anna goes into labor.
And while Anna is going into labor, the custody judge calls Stef and Lena and they meet in his chambers and Robert signs over his parental rights to Callie. And so Stef and Lena can really finally adopt her.
It’s a good day. Jude calls Connor his boyfriend, right out loud. Callie gets to come home and be home. Brandon is a phenomenal musician. Mariana won her dance competition. And now everyone is getting a new baby! Except for no they’re not because on the way to the hospital, Anna and Jesus and Mariana get smashed by another car.
I’m not trying to be a butt hole, Anna, but no pregnant lady should ever drive a car in a season finale. Nothing good is ever going to come from that.
As Stef gets ready to speed off to the car crash that she doesn’t know her kids were involved in, but that the police scanner says includes one confirmed fatality, Lena is like, “Hey, I love you.” And Stef is like, “Yeah, I love you too.”
And I love you. (Yes, you. I mean Stef and Lena, but I also mean you, Dear Reader. You’re my favorite dystopian robot theme.)
Next season: Lena tells Stef about the nano-smooch with Monty and they both take responsibility for letting their relationship slide into dangerous territory and make up with affirmative soul-scissoring. Monty starts dating this girl I know. Jude and Connor come out at school and everyone is chill about it and they spend most afternoons canoodling and playing video games, after they finish their homework. Mariana and Emma admit their feelings for each other and start dating, which isn’t really weird now that Jesus is away at Testosterone Academy. Anna moves in with her parents and they help her stay sober and raise her baby. Callie tattoos her adoption certificate onto her torso. And Brandon sells his copy of Detective Comics #27 for one hundred billion dollars and sets off on a world tour with Someone’s Little Sister in his own blimp.
