Anchor Beach some more.
So. Let’s go stay in a hotel together.
Girl, what?
Monty: I want to go to an academic conference in Washington! Let’s go together and go back to being best friends! We’ll learn about standardized testing, you’ll overshare about your marriage, I’ll caress your hair intimately; it’ll be like the simpler days!
Lena: I don’t feel like that’s a good idea.
Monty: Well, I do, because I am super straight. I was married to a dude!
Lena: Yeah, so was Stef. And Wanda Sykes. And Meredith Baxter. So was Portia de Rossi!
Jude and Connor canoodle and say their goodbyes after summer school. They agree to meet tonight at the school-sponsored beach party. They agree they’ll miss each other during the three hours when they’re apart. They still don’t agree about being gay together out loud, which is why it gets pretty weird when Daria rushes up as soon as Jude bounces to shout at Connor about how he broke up with her. Daria seems like the kind of girl who monitors her social media followers and when like one person unfriends her or whatever, she launches a full-scale investigation and follows it up like: “Just emailing to see if you saw the Tumblr ask I left about the Facebook message I sent about the Instagram video I uploaded about the Snapchat I tweeted asking why you unfollowed me?” She seems like she’ll grow out of it, though, which is more than I can say for half the adults I know.
What do you think would happen if we put a werewolf on the moon?
Shit!
Anyway, Connor is like, “We’re thirteen, Daria. This is life.” But Taylor’s all, “Just tell her you’re in love with Jude, asshole.” Which, I mean: Fair, but complicated.
Mariana spends her day taking care of Ana’s new baby while watching Judge Judy with her on the couch. And then she goes home and reads five books on parenting, codes a program to teach a robot to breastfeed, plays two games of chess with herself, records and uploads a YouTube tutorial about proper eyeliner technique, knits a couple of sweaters for the new baby, gives herself a manicure, cooks dinner, plays a little Model UN online, and has a nap. When Mat arrives, he reminds her that they haven’t had sex and so therefore she can’t be pregnant and so why is is reading books about babies? She says because of how she’s the mother of Ana’s new baby, kind of, and she’ll see him at the beach party after she drops off the breastfeeding robot for her new brother/son.
Okay, but Ana doesn’t want the robot! In fact, she is no longer feeling any of the broken rib pain of her car accident and would like Mariana to skedaddle so she can bond with her newborn child!
Stef said if I get hurt again I have to live in a hamster ball, but for now I can just wear these football pads.
Mariana’s feelings are hurt, from many angles, quite rightly.
SCHOOL-SPONSORED BEACH PARTY, YO!
Connor is hopping across the sand, making love eyes at Jude, when some random teen rushes them yelling about if they’re homosexual for each other now. Jude’s eyes panic but Connor is chill as fuck. He stops on a dime on those crutches, turns slowly to look at the random guy, and goes, “Yes. We’re gay for each other. Is that a thing that is a problem to you in any way? My biceps are curious.” Random teen says he doesn’t care, no big deal, whatever, everyone is gay now, it’s all good. You think it’s Daria, right? Like sweet revenge? Well, no, though; Daria’s just a teenage girl navigating a world filled with impossible beauty standards and being battered every day from every direction that her main mission in life is to be fuckable, and a her first boyfriend just broke up with her! She just feels shitty! But then when she finds out he broke up with her because of being gay, she is absolved, and everything is okay!
It was Taylor who told everyone. She’s only trying to comfort her best friend with facts and show Jude and Connor how it’s totally not an issue, but, again: Not your place, sweet elf.
No, for real, they made an Entourage movie.
Also at the party? Stef, out of the blue clear sky.
Lena: You okay? I’m surprised you’re giving up your one alone night in the house that you get every five years to hang out on the beach with our angsty teenagers.
Stef: I am so good, though.
Lena: Stef.
Stef: Like so good.
Lena: Sweet love.
Stef: Oh god, I’m a mess, Lena! We came this close to losing Callie, this close to losing Jesus and Mariana. I don’t have control over anything and I’m terrified every second! If we lose them, Lena, I’ll be lost too, forever!
Lena: Oh, I love you.
Stef: I love you.
Lena: I love you.
Brandon: Can I talk to you guys a second? I was supposed to be doing this one rich white kid thing and now I am having to do this other rich white kid thing. I’m so upset! Everything is terrible!
After Lena comforts her whole-hearted Gryffindor wife — you know, being married to Stef would be an awful lot like being married to actual Harry Potter — she finds Monty and tells her she can’t go to Washington to share a hotel with her right now, or probably ever actually. Monty is like, “Because of your wife standing over your shoulder?” And Lena is all, “Bitch, yes! Of course it’s about my wife!”
Ugh, I hate knowing Stef is going to find out about that kiss at the absolute worst possible time! Probably while she’s watching Callie get eaten alive by an alligator!
Also at the beach, Mariana tries to have sex with Mat to remind him not to cheat on her when he’s on tour this summer, but Mat’s not interested in where sand goes when you get naked in it, so he takes a hard pass. You know who shows up to comfort Mariana? Like a monster from the sea? Wyatt and his damn perfect hair. He uses it to seduce Mariana. She’s had a bad day. Sometimes shiny locks is all it takes.
You ever think about how Neil Armstrong’s name is Neil A and when you spell it backwards, it’s “Alien”?
Farther down the ocean, Connor hobbles up to Jude.
Connor: Dude, storming off dramatically is part of being our age, I get it, but give a brother a break; I’m on crutches!
Jude: It’s significant that I feel safe expressing anger to and at you, but I probably won’t realize that until I’m in my mid-20s.
Connor: Do you like me, man?
Jude: Uh, I like you like I like the sun. In that you warm and light my entire world and keep me from floating out into the abyss.
Connor: But do you like me-like me, in a tongue-kissing way.
Jude: Yes, duh.
Connor: But you’re not gay?
Jude: I just want to try to not be the kid with all the labels all the time. Jude the Dead Mom Kid. Jude the Foster Kid. Does I have to be Jude the Gay Kid now?
Connor: Okay. I get that. But you’re my boyfriend?
Jude: So much your boyfriend. So much.
Callie talks to her new buddy AJ at the beach, the new foster kid, and even offers to put him up in the foster center for the night, let him sleep on the couch, because he’s in a dangerous situation and he needs a place to crash until he can get placed in a new home and find his brother. But AJ steals that spray paint. And Raphael is so mad about it. He fires Callie on the spot.
Back at home, Stef and Lena cuddle in bed and smooch on the lips and promise to make time for themselves. Then the literal ceiling falls in and they realize they will never take a vacation together FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
Let’s take a five-second imaginary vacation before the next thing explodes.
Next week: Mariana feels weird about doing it with Wyatt for a couple of different reasons, but opens up and talks to Callie anyway, about the hard stuff, because somebody’s gotta show Stef it won’t kill you dead to express your feelings. The ATM gives Brandon four 50s instead of ten 20s and he sets the bank on fire. Jude and Connor make the most of Jude’s new living situation, before the show can recast Jesus. And Monty brings Lena breakfast in bed while Stef is on an all-night shift, because what? That’s what friends do!
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1. Amazing captions. What WOULD happen if we put a werewolf on the moon? I will never not think about this.
2. Monty and Lena, I can tell, is a situation that is going to escalate in a way that makes me very, very nervous like the time I went on a roller coaster just because of peer pressure.
3. Jude has grown two baby unicorn sizes! And so has my heart. One day he will be a FULL GROWN queer.
4. lol @ Brandon.
– Why oh why would you poke the water bubble stain thingy on the ceiling?
– I never liked Jesus so I won’t miss him but I wish Brandon would go to Wrestling Academy with him.
– Jonnor is the cutest
– Wyatt and Mariana doing it was totally out of character for both of them
I agree completely about it being out of character for them to do it. I don’t understand how he went from … pining … for Callie to seducing Mariana. (that hair though, so much Hanson). And Mariana who was previously besotted by her man is suddenly so driven by teenage hormones that she has to do it. right then. on the edge of the beach. with any available male. Nope.
“She seems like she’ll grow out of it, though, which is more than I can say for half the adults I know.”
YEP
Just so you know, the Tumblr #Jonnor fandom has christened the random teenage dude “Snapback Kid” for his snapback-style baseball cap and seems quite taken with him for reasons I don’t entirely understand. (Then again, I am pretty much the senior citizen of that bunch, who seem to be predominantly 25-30 years younger than yours truly.) What I want to know is, why is Snapback wearing all black while playing frisbee or whatever on a southern California beach in June? Did he lose a bet or something?
Gavin MacIntosh and Hayden Byerly seriously delivered the acting chops in that #Jonnor scene on the rocks, which hit me square in the feels. That’s not easy to do. Those guys are beyond awesome, seriously.
BTW, if you don’t have cable and are paying three bucks an ep to watch the show on iTunes, I have a pleasant surprise for you. Go to Couchtuner.me to watch a large variety of old and current episodes of your favorite television shows including “The Fosters”. Just make sure you have good adblocking software on your Internet browser before you go there because shady third parties have exploited weaknesses in the website design to attempt to deliver intrusive programming into the computers of those who visit it. (And always have good anti-virus protection no matter what you do online!)
Oh, man. Lena and Monty are making me so nervous. I cannot deal with Stef getting hurt. I know I’m just going to end up yelling at the tv for 20 minutes like I did last week when GoT killed sweet baby Shireen.
I am beyond nervous for Lena and Monty too
Daria seems like the kind of girl who monitors her social media followers and when like one person unfriends her or whatever, she launches a full-scale investigation and follows it up like: “Just emailing to see if you saw the Tumblr ask I left about the Facebook message I sent about the Instagram video I uploaded about the Snapchat I tweeted asking why you unfollowed me?”
Um, you just described Rachel Berry.
Yasss Rachel Berry,,, TRUE
seriously, though – this lena/monty situation is making it SO STRESSFUL for me to watch the show, and not in a fun way.
however, you are scarily on-point about equating being married to stef to being married to harry potter.
Amazing recap! I hate hate hate this whole there’s-a-secret-but-it-will-come-out-anyway Thing because it makes me super anxious everytime Lena and Stef are next to eachother and it’s also incredibly predictable.
Also, I kept thinking they might have introduced Kat to make Brandon seem like the nice guy? Likie someone else is actually more full of themselves than he is?
I also thought the Mariana thing was kinda random and, as Carmen said, very out of character. I am so happy this Show is back people
I love the Fosters and I was super super excited when this show was posted on demand so I could watch it since I was working late Monday night, but… did this episode feel super un-Fosters to anyone else?
Your characterization of Daria as the girl who would monitor her follower count is spot on. As is your characterization of Stef as being the Harry Potter-est Gryffindor ever. Well done.
Also, as an almost-social worker, I could totally see Callie becoming one. However, I could also see her burning out in 10 seconds flat if she leaps to the rescue every time someone she cares about is in trouble!! (I think she’s got some Stef in her, that way.)
Ist’n that baby of Anna’s a girl? :)
These recaps are the best!! Are there not going to be any more for the other episodes of s3?
So it’s 1:25 am on a Saturday, what used to be my Friday night, and I’ve just finished season 3 of The Fosters/some wine.
My only regret in life is that I was not more vocal about my deep and slightly uncomfortable (for everyone else) love of these recaps. Clearly this Autostraddle series was cut down in its prime… but what can you expect in a world where Stef apologizes to Brandon for being too aware of his privilege and like daring to say stuff to him about it or whatever. *moody piano music*