Previously on The Fosters, Stef and Lena continued their pursuit of flawlessness by (nearly) effortlessly navigating the tumultuous waters of parenting teenagers who: are dating stalker-types (Jesus), are rescuing abused friends from foster care (Callie), are joining invite-only STEM clubs and starting new dance teams (Mariana), are trying to go on world tour with garage bands (Brandon), are perfect (Jude).

The Adams Fosters are getting ready to go on a weekend camping trip and it’s like Home Alone up in there, kids running wildly through the halls with tents and sleeping bags slung over their shoulders, Brandon and Jesus tongue-kissing their girlfriends like they’re never going to see them again, Mariana waving a forlorn goodbye to the hot shower and floor-length mirror, and Jude keeping it together more than any of them despite the serious camping PTSD he’s got from the gay stuff he got caught doing with Connor in that tent on their school trip.

Stef walks in on the very terrifying site of Hayley trying to coerce Jesus into a codependent relationship, so she kicks her right out of the house.

This is my murder-smile. It’s the last thing you see before you die.

Brandon and Lu are out there, making out like there’s no literal tomorrow, and Brandon gets real weird real fast when Callie stumbles out the door under the weight of Mariana’s giant steamer trunks. He tries to cool it with the smooching, but Lu says he’s just being silly; no one cares about dry humping in front of their little sisters. Callie smirks at them from the driveway, rolls her eyes, nearly throws out her back trying to lift Mariana’s junk into the car.

In the kitchen, Stef takes the hardline (surprise!) about phones; she doesn’t want the kids to bring them because she knows they’re going to spend all their time doing group snaps and selfie chats on Twerk.com. Lena laughs affectionately at her and demonstrates the difference between twerking and Twitter. The difference is that one of those things gives Stef lust-eyes and the other one of those things makes Stef’s eyes glaze over with boredom.

What.

Is.

Happening.

And how can I make it happen more?!

She spanks her wife right on the hams and says to bring a whole thermos of coffee, ’cause after the kids are too asleep to come knockin’, their tent’s gonna be rockin’! I love that #LenaTwerking as an actual ABC Family hashtag. I love it so much.

Lena: If we make them leave their phones here, though, we’ll miss out on the guaranteed hoot of seeing them lose their absolute shit when they stop getting reception.
Stef: Fine, okay. You be the cool mom and I’ll keep being the rule mom.
Lena: Wait, what?
Stef: They come to you for hugs and to me for motivation to live their best lives.
Lena: No, seriously, what?
Stef: It’s cool. It’s fine. I’m fine with it.
Lena: Yes, but if you were ten percent as good as a normal lesbian at sensing even the most subtle mood shifts in all people within a ten-block radius, you would see that you just super hurt my feelings.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love this damn show? Oh, I did? Last week? Well, I’m going to mention it again because I do what I want. I love that The Fosters doesn’t desexualize Stef and Lena, because most parents on TV are just pretty roommates, and that’s especially true when you’re talking about TV shows with big teenage audiences, and it could be especially-especially true when you’re talking about a lesbian couple because networks are still so inexplicably weird about same-sex couples showing any kind of affection. But nope! Not The Fosters! Stef and Lena are always trying to figure out how to be intimate with each other while also doing all the things that need to be done to pay the bills while also keeping all of their children from setting themselves on fire while also saving the world outside their house.

The sixth sense is gaydar, Lena.

I love you, but no. The sixth sense is Lesbian Intuition.

But I also love that The Fosters shows these teenagers groping each other with desperation because they’re going to be apart for two whole days, and it does it without being patronizing. Because that’s what it’s like to be a teenager, I remember, and it’s really rare to find a group of writers who can show both sides of that sex coin without being condescending about one of them.

It’s really rare to find show that can talk about actual sex at all, and super rare to find a show that just tell the truth about actual sex without acting like Cotton Mather is watching over their shoulder.

What Would Stef Do?

On the way up the mountain, Lena tries to get Jesus to talk to her about something. Anything. She’s mostly interested in his girlfriend or wrestling or school, but after exactly three nanoseconds of prodding, he drops the drama bomb that Ana is pregnant and he knows about it because he’s been sneaking around and trying to help her and peeping in on her AA meetings. Lena, fresh off her hurt feelings, tells Jesus he’s in big trouble, mister, for going to that meeting without permission, but also he needs to tell Stef about Ana and how he broke the rules, and but not tell Stef he told Lena first. Jesus thinks she’s doing him a solid, helping him find a way to make Stef less angry, but actually Lena is — what we call in my house — “Pulling a Stef.” (We used to call it “Pulling a Coach” in honor of Eric Taylor, but Stef has taken over the prestigious role now.)

Hopefully neither of us get run under by a car!

At the campground, Mariana sets up a full Mona Vanderwaal-style glamping experience. Air mattress. Hair dryer and curling iron that plug into the car. Battery-powered candelabra. The whole deal. It is nicer than half the shitholes Callie has been forced to live in for much of her life. Jude and Brandon and Jesus are sharing a tent without all the glamor. Well, except for Jesus’ “HAYLEY 4 LYFE” tattoo that Jude sees when he unzips the tent and Jesus is inside there taking selfies. Jude is like, “Oh, moms are for sure going to murder you.” And Jesus is like, “Not everyone can have a heart made of literal gold and magical elfin earnestness, Jude!” He threatens to kill Jude if he dimes him out to their moms, but Jude just smiles and leaves because he knows if anyone ever killed him, Connor would kill them right back.

Lena and Stef set up their tent far enough away from the kids that maybe Stef can get a twerking lesson later tonight, but not so far that Stef can’t punch a grizzly bear in the nose if it tries to mess with her children. Stef gives Lena a little taste of what she’s in for later tonight and it is: Left Shark. Left Shark is what Lena is in for later tonight. Aww, but Lena is into it. She didn’t need to see Stef gyrate awkwardly around to know she’s a Left Shark. Lena knew all along, and she loves her anyway.

It’s called Secret Dystopian Robot Theme. I taught it to Mariana.

I sure do love you to the moon and back, you big dummy.

They try to smooch, but their kids come tromping through the campsite with rafts and swimsuits, making more noise than a banshee convention. Jesus is wearing a wetsuit, which Mariana saves him from having to explain by saying science things about UV rays and the dangers of sunscreen. Everyone goes frolicking into the lake except for Jude because Callie explains that lake water isn’t like pool water and so swimming in them is a whole other, very dangerous ballgame. Quicksand practically. For some reason, Mariana doesn’t swoop in and explain the molecular construct of water and how Callie is talking nonsense, so Jude Charlie Browns away from the watering hole feeling sad and over-protected.

If you think Stef and Lena are going to use their free time to snuggle, you are wrong. Jesus has dropped the news about Ana and Lena keeps being like, “Wow! JUST WOW! I have never heard such a thing, and certainly not this specific thing! Wow, Stef, I tell ya! And one more thing, I hope Jesus knows there will be punishment for his misbeahvior, and that I, alone, will be doling it out. Whoo-whee, wow.” Stef is too preoccupied with wondering if Mike is the father of Ana’s baby to notice that Lena is acting like an insane person. She is so preoccupied, in fact, that she spends ten minutes frantically rooting around in her bag looking for her phone so she can call Mike and yell at him, no matter whether he’s the father or not. Lena finally confiscates everyone’s phones and insists they go fishing for dinner.

I think you should at least consider the idea of us going to A-Camp, Lena!

They catch a fish. Just the one. And everyone has to have at least one bite! Good thing they brought a cooler full of snacks and store-bought meats.

No wonder our Verizon bill is six thousand dollars a month.

Callie: Jude, come here please and I will spray you with bug repellent. You know how the mosquitos love sweet elfish blood.
Jude: FINE.

Hayley: Surprise, Jesus! I am in the woods camping also and will have sex with you if you’ll come find me!
Jesus: FINE.

Stef: Everyone stay close and remember to pack away all your scrap food so a bear doesn’t show up in the night and eat your face off.
Mariana: FINE.

Brandon: The key to the perfect s’more is in the squishability of the marshmallow.
Jude: Actually, no. Everyone stop telling me my business. I can swim. I can put on bug spray by myself. And the key to making the perfect s’more is you have to put the chocolate on a graham cracker and sit it on a rock by the fire while you slowly roast your marshmallow so the chocolate will be melted just enough to form a seamless texture with the hot marshmallow when they are mashed together.

Everyone sings “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain” while Callie straight up shreds on her hand me down guitar! Mariana suggests that Brandon play the love song he wrote for his girlfriend Lu. He says he didn’t write it for Lu! Stef and Lena say they didn’t know Lu was his girlfriend! He says that’s not why he asked to go on tour this summer and it’s not like they need to be in a van in Oklahoma to have sex! Callie says everyone shut up and sing “Oh, Susanna!” Jesus says everyone should go to bed right now since they’ll be waking up at sunrise!

Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic!

Not quite as dramatic as the campfire when the women from The L Word played “I Never,” but pretty close!

Once all the Adams Fosters are safely bedded down in their tents, it is time for Stef and Lena to have some camptime lesbosexy shenanigans. Ha, just kidding. Stef sneaks her phone out of her bag and wanders away to call Mike and check in on the status of his parentage re: Ana’s fetus. Mike doesn’t answer her call because Ana is falling asleep on his couch. They hung out for a while today after they went to the ultrasound together and found out Ana is having a baby girl. Mike tells Ana she should just go ahead and start sleeping over. Man, between Stef’s hot headedness and Mike’s inability to make a good decision, it’s a wonder Brandon can even walk down the street without darting in front of cars like an unleashed sheep dog.

Being perfect is exhausting. :(

In succession: Jesus leaves the campsite to go find Hayley, despite the protests of Jude. Brandon leaves the campsite to go find Jesus who has gone to find Hayley, despite the protests of Jude. Stef and Lena leave the campsite to go find Brandon who has gone to find Jesus who has gone to find Hayley. But who they find is Hayley. To be honest, Stef doesn’t really want to rescue her, but Lena insists, and they let her sleep in the tent with them. (It’s not like she could sleep in Mariana and Callie’s tent, what with the weathered oak French casement and widescreen TV taking up so much space in there.)

Early the next morning, Brandon tries to start a fire, and Callie douses it with a lighter fluid, and the whole campsite nearly goes up in flames. He goes, “That was such an on-the-nose metaphor for how you are!” Like that’s a thing he actually says. So they go down to to the lake to act eleven shades of weird around each other while promising to stop acting weird around each other. She says it doesn’t make her jealous to see him kissing Lu. He says it made him jealous to see her kissing Wyatt. And so Callie is all, “Well, Wyatt is taking a one-way cross-country road trip with a piece of drywall, buddy, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”

Don’t blame this on Jude. He is made of magic stardust and you are made of hormones and terrible decisions.

I’m just a regular human boy!

Back at the campsite:

Stef and Lena: Dude, you are not making good decisions. How are we supposed to trust you to drive around the country in a van all summer? Were you even telling the truth about becoming a heart surgeon while you are on tour?
Brandon: AT LEAST I’M NOT A NARC!
Stef and Lena: Don’t yell at Jude!
Brandon: Fine! You want some well-earned yelling? Check out Jesus’ tattoo.
Stef and Lena: JESUS HAS A TATTOO?
Jude: I’m going swimming, y’all. Brandon, I told moms you were lost, not that you were looking for Hayley. Callie, stop treating me like I am an infant. Thank you. I love you. I’m growing into a mature, responsible adult, and I want you to treat me like that with your words and your actions, please.

Brandon is like, “Whoa! I’ve never seen Jude go off like that!”

Hayley has a pretty shitty afternoon. First, Mariana teaches her the secret dystopian robot theme of her and Tia’s new dance team, and she realizes she chose the wrong dancers to side with in the Regionals war. Also, she tells Mariana about Ana’s bun in the oven. And then Jesus breaks up with her because she’s desperate and pushy and he doesn’t love the way he acts when he’s with her. So she storms off and goes home to wait for her mom who abandoned her to spend a weekend away with her new boyfriend. Poor Hayley. It’s no wonder she is the way she is. If only Stef and Lena could parent the whole world!

Just because I want a body pillow for by back doesn’t mean I’m building a permanent pillow wall between us!

Speaking of which, everything comes to a head when Mariana storms back to the campground demanding to know why no one told her about Ana. Jesus says Lena told him not to tell anyone except for Stef and Stef says she thought Lena didn’t even know and now it’s time for moms to have some alone time, after all — for fightin’!

Stef: The kids always come to you because you’re soft! And I have to be the stern dad!
Lena: First of all, that’s — quote — a super heteronormative line of thinking, lady. And yeah, I just said that on TV. Second of all, the kids always come to me because you’re kind of a jerk when you get angry. Wait, no. Hang on. Let me soften that. What I mean is, you protect the kids in ways I never could, but that fierce energy can be intimidating, so you’ve got to dial it back a little bit sometimes.
Stef: I can see that you’re right but that doesn’t soften the sting of being lied to and I’m also really mad at myself, so why don’t you go talk to Mariana; obviously it’s you she needs.
Lena: I love you, honey, but now is not the time to be a martyr. Being a parent means you don’t get to wallow around in self-pity for longer than five seconds.

Love these women. Love them, love them, love them. Watching lesbians on TV is like watching a live-action game of Frogger. Who’s going to get smashed, and when? It’s only a matter of time! But these two are in it forever, which means fights are inevitable, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end because that’s not what being a grown-up is all about. I LOVE THEM.

Do you think Lena might even be more perfect than Jude, though? Sometimes I wonder.

Stef finds Mariana and hugs her close and soothes her and promises her that it’s not her responsibility to take care of Ana or Ana’s baby. Sweet Mariana. The world sure is heavy when you try to carry all of it around on your own back.

Finally, everyone makes their way down to the lake for some swimming and rope-swinging and giggling and pushing each other off the dock. Aw, man. I made it all the way ’til the end and almost didn’t cry this week. Almost.

Next year, I’m going to A-Camp!

It’s like regular camp but without all you kids harshing our sexytime vibes.

Oh, one more thing. Ana’s baby isn’t Mike’s, but he still wants her to move in.

Next week, Jude and Connor hold pinkies, everyone! This is not a drill!

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