The episode begins with the usual yada yada yada about what happened last week and the only thing that stood out to me was Vico’s jacket. Is the Anchor Beach mascot a whale or a shark? It looks like a whale but that seems like a dumb mascot — not threatening at all — “Watch out! I’m going to krill you!” So, it must be a shark which led me to watch West Side Story videos on YouTube. I think we should consider this Digression 1.

Brandon is playing piano in the music room at school and Callie comes in all smiles. No, really. She is wearing a sweater that is covered in smiley faces. He tells her he’s auditioning for the junior symphony because Dani knows someone. Dani is a shark. I know that for sure. Then, they reminisce about her first day at Anchor Beach and him playing music for her and this is very Circle of Life but I was not moved because my circle has moved far away from Brandon’s in the Venn diagram of this show.

Callie walks out into the morning sun like she’s in a shampoo commercial which is fitting because who is waiting for her out there? Wyatt. They hug and sway and sniff each other’s hair while Brandon watches and glares from the window. Callie and Wyatt chit chat and she asks him if he was trying to run the day Lena and Stef came to the hotel and he says that he wanted to run with her because he changed his mind about calling them. She then tells him he did the right thing. Wyatt says, “I think you have more hair than me now,” and she says, “You jealous?” He smiles, “A little.” It’s light and cute and I like light and cute. For the record, I like Callie’s hair better.

Hug. Rinse. Repeat.

Jesus and Emma are in Algebra and he is asking for help and the teacher is giving them looks and Jesus asks her to the winter ball and she says she already has a date.

Digression 2: This is how we know they live in California because here in Minnesota, that dance would have been called the Snow Ball.

Zach’s mom, Amanda, sneaks up on Mariana at her locker and says, “Guess who I’m here to see?” and Mariana’s eyes are as big as Cookie Monster’s because their last heart-to-heart involved Amanda calling her a whore. Amanda is there to see Lena. Zach comes over and Amanda tells them she is volunteering to chaperone the dance which is called “Metropolis.”

Digression 3: Back in my day, dances had themes, not names. I didn’t go to a lot of dances because I spent most of my time hanging out with my pack of girlfriends (go figure) but I did go to prom with my gay boyfriend (though neither of us knew we were gay back then) and then almost got into a fight protecting him at a party after the dance. The moral of this digression is figure out you’re gay or don’t go to dances or don’t be afraid to raise a pool cue to defend your man or Metropolis is stupid.

Amanda tells Mariana and Zach not to worry because she’s “all for dirty dancing.” I don’t know about Baby but somebody needs to put Amanda in a corner. She flits off and Mariana mentions Amanda’s mood swings and Zach says she’s just “eccentric.” I’ve met eccentrics and I’ve met Amandas — very, very different. Mariana is obviously waiting for him to ask her to Metropolis, but he says nothing and walks away. He obviously prefers Gotham City.

Stef runs into Mike at the police station and she says she doesn’t like Brandon being home alone while Mike works nights. Mike says Dani makes him dinner every night. I guess when you sell your soul to the devil you get a complimentary meal. Mike tells Stef that Brandon is back on track and she says that’s good because she wants him home soon. As Stef walks to her car, Anna shows up and tells her that “her son” gave her money to change her story but Stef doesn’t believe her. Anna wants $10,000 to keep quiet and Stef leans in but not in the whole “self-help be a woman leader” way but in the “don’t let the uniform fool you, I will cut a bitch” way and says, “If I do see you again, I will arrest you for trying to extort a police officer.” Anna gets the message. I guess leaning in really does work.

Sheryl Sandberg wishes she were this assertive.

Back at the house, Jesus is doing pull ups shirtless for all the younguns who like that sort of thing. Stef says, “Ooooo, looking good my friend.” She then tells him his grades need to improve and while they chat, she does curls with one of his weights so the rest of the scene is bicep curl go back on meds bicep curl you said I could try this bicep curl improve your grades and attitude bicep curl ok. Jesus says, “You got some guns there, mom.” She sure does. Then, she does a couple pull ups on the way out to prove the point.

Digression 4: For the Presidential Fitness test in school, I did the flex arm hang for 0 seconds.

Stef and Lena are getting ready for bed by removing the 129 throw pillows on their bed. They talk about Callie and Wyatt and Lena thinks it may be good that he’s back because he’ll distract Callie from Brandon. They finally climb into bed and then Lena accidentally raises Stef’s side of the bed. Have I mentioned that I hate this bed thing? I hate this bed thing. Beds shouldn’t have their own story lines unless it’s The Princess and the Pea. Stef wants to sleep on the same level and Lena wants to remain upright to read baby books. This is a metaphor people, so subtle. Stef wants a new mattress but says they can’t afford one. Stef, all the lady lovers who watch this show will pitch in for one. Lena says it’s illegal to sell a used mattress. Stef says, “No, it’s illegal to cut tags off of pillows,” and Lena says, “Why is that?” Made me laugh because sadly, these are the exactly kind of conversations Luisa and I have at bedtime, except a little weirder.

Digression 5: We recently had a bedtime conversation about squirrels. It was my bedtime, not hers because she is still in Africa so my bedtime is her wake up time. Anyway, I was pretty sure there was something in the wall and she told me to call someone and I said that doing so fell under “business” which is her domain and she was all “Then, you’ll have to live with the noise in the wall,” and then I said, “What if they take the siding off and the walls are made of squirrels? Just all squirrels.” Her response? “Likely. Goodnight.” And that’s how we’ve stayed together all these years.

Lena wants to keep the bed because it will be good during pregnancy and Stef says, “You’re right. Someday we’ll be intimate again.” Lena says, “Honey, we were intimate last week when we inseminated.” And Stef and I say, “Nothing intimate about that!” and then Stef and I laugh, but the Serious Music of Relationship Doom starts and Stef and I know we’ve made a terrible mistake.

Apparently nobody can be on the same level, literally or emotionally.

Dani made dinner for Brandon but he’s too busy sulking to eat. She asks what’s wrong and he tells her that Callie and Jude are being adopted on Monday and that Wyatt is back. Dani says, “If she starts seeing him again, you’ll only have yourself to blame.” Then, she tells him to tell Callie he still loves her and then offers him the apartment so he and Callie can talk or have the sex. Dani is like the evil Queen in some modern day fairytale involving cops, foster kids and lesbians. Someone work that out.

Wyatt is sleeping in his car. Look how artfully they slipped “youth homelessness” into our game of Social Issues Bingo! The next morning, he showers on the beach and then gets dressed in the public bathroom and his car gets towed.

Social Issues Bingo, or Shampoo Model Bingo?

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