Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Ro: Buds, I have a question for my Gay B C’s of Sex column: are people these days saying “tribbing” or “tribadism?” I feel like I hear “tribbing” more often — however, I am but one homosexual.
Shelli Nicole: TRIBBBBBBBBBBIIIINNNGGG
Dani Janae: Tribbing!!
Shelli Nicole: tribadism sounds like a religion that those who trib belong to
And in all honesty- sign me up?
I knew I’d find you here DANI
Dani Janae: LMAO
My lil ears perked up
Shelli Nicole: not this ending up in the insider solidifying the brands of Ro me and Dani lol
Lily Alvarado: Tribbing just makes more sense because if you’re fingering someone you don’t say “fingerism”
Shelli Nicole: OOP AND LILY!
Ro: Ok, TO BE CLEAR — “tribadism” IS a real word and it was around loooong before “tribbing.”
I’m not just making shit up
Dani Janae: I’m a card carrying member of the coochie bumpers brigade
Ro: It sounds like we’re all hearing/saying “tribbing” more — thank you all!
Now I’m wondering what people said pre-“tribbing”: “My darling, would you like to engage in some tribadism?”
Dani Janae: Lol there must have been a cuter nickname for it
Ro: “Would you like to succumb to a vulgar and unnatural vice?”
Dani Janae: “Would you like to sin against God and the heavens?”
Shelli Nicole: If that is the first question on a cult entry form I wouldn’t need to fill out anything else
I would circle the whole form and put a check in the middle

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Laneia: can’t wait to read all the comments on both the site and instagram talking about how scissoring isn’t real !!!
Dani Janae: “It was created for the male gaze!” Well perhaps the male gaze was onto something with that one
Lily Alvarado: Anyone who says scissoring isn’t real is boring in my opinion
Laneia: like imagine being that eager to be so aggressively wrong on the internet
would rather chew on wool than have sex with someone who’s ever said scissoring isn’t real
Kayla Kumari: same
even though just reading those words gave me a horrible feeling in my mouth
Nico: truly did not need to think about chewing on wool today

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Carmen: @nico if I make Jamie Clayton’s Hellraiser photo the feature for AAA (I don’t know that I am yet, I’m still looking around, but IF) — do you have any title thoughts?
Nico: i am thinking

One minute later.

Nico: Jamie Clayton Unlocks the Puzzle Box of Our Hearts With New Photos of Her as Pinhead in Upcoming Hellraiser Film
gotta shorten it
Carmen: I think it’s gonna be Jamie because the other big headline is JK Rowling and I cannot bring myself to give her an inch more breathing room to “anger clickbait” our readers over her dumbass terf book
Is “Puzzle Box” central to Hellraiser?
Nico: yes it’s a hellraiser thing
it’s how you summon the character jamie is playing
Carmen: ok perfect, i can work with that
Nico: although maybe you solve a puzzle box
Carmen: you do in fact solve a puzzle box, but i think it’s ok
Nico: yeah and when you solve it, it unlocks a hell dimension
and then you meet jamie clayton’s pinhead
Carmen: Jamie Clayton Unlocks the Puzzle Box of Our Hearts With First-Look Photo of Her as “Hellraiser”
Is still one too many words
Nico: also her character is pinhead!
Pinhead
Carmen: Jamie Clayton Unlocks the Puzzle Box of Our Hearts With First-Look Photo Hellraiser’s Pinhead
that’s the right length! Does it read ok?
Nico: i think you need an “as” or an “of”
but i do love that we are talking about our hearts in a horror headline. i do think it works
also the Clive Barker book Hellraiser’s based on is called The Hellbound Heart so it works on a lot of levels
Carmen: i love how much you know about things that terrify me
it’s so good
Jamie Clayton Unlocks the Puzzle Box of Our Hearts With First-Look Photo as Hellraiser’s Pinhead
Nico: real team effort over here
Carmen: Hmmm now I have a photo question, probably for @riese — it’s about the chain of command for this hellraiser photo
Riese: is it entertainment weekly’s exclusive first look photo
Carmen: Yes?
I’m wondering if I should I just avoid it altogether and use a getty image feature.
Oh yes, Laneia might also know!
I see you typing too
Laneia: based on everything I learned at harvard law school
are we allowed to like, black out most of the image and just show a shot of the eyes or some shit, like the opposite of the black bar over people’s eyes, which is my favorite aesthetic choice, which is not important to this conversation and yet
Carmen: hahahaaa
Riese: we could make a graphic that does a cut-out of her head next to a photo we have legal rights to
Carmen: I could collage this photo and a photo from getty together against a neutral background?
Riese: yeah
Carmen: ok bet. will do!
Laneia: so happy we still get to use the puzzle box headline
Carmen: Does this say “original art”

Laneia: lol carmen
Carmen: I could add some more heart emojis for whimsy

Nico: hahahahaa
laneia: i am obsessed with this
Carmen: ok great! we’re going with it!
final vote — is it funnier with the hearts?
Nico: lol how do the hearts look smaller and over pinheads eyes
Carmen: omg

A moment later.

Carmen:

Nico: how is that more terrifying than regular pinhead lolllll
idk i think they are all arte
le arte
Laneia: s c r e a m i n g
jfc
Viv: Le art is here
they say that’s good
Carmen: Yes, an EXPERT! hahahaaa
So Viv which of the three?
Viv: The hearts on eyes
Carmen: wonderful
Nico: beautiful
Viv: I’m so happy to work here

---

Kayla Kumari: Kristen gets so offended when I ask her if she has read something on autostraddle dot com
she’s like “OF COURSE I READ IT”
anyway, that was the convo we just had about today’s jojo post
Riese: hahahahaha
Gretchen does too
she goes I READ YOUR WORK ALL THE TIME
if I mention a post in conversation (written by me or people other than me) and ask her if she read it she immediately gets offended
and then if she hasn’t read it she gets defensive about her schedule and commits to reading it later
Laneia: love that we’re all having slightly different versions of the same conversation
makes me feel v close to y’all
Riese: far away and yet so close
Carmen: love the partners of autostraddle so much
please everyone tell your partner that I love them and I BELIEVE THEY READ OUR POSTS
Riese: I’m sure they will be grateful that SOMEONE believes them
carmen: 🤗

---

Laneia: GOOOD MORNING i have given all my blood to a general practitioner in exchange for drugs
Riese: nice

---

Carmen: it’s taking everything inside of me not to name this: Also.Also.Also: Queen Elizabeth II Has Died at 96, Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss
So thank you all for seeing and appreciating my restraint

Several minutes of silence later.

Carmen: damn yall I was joking! (I just went with Queen Elizabeth II Has Died at 96, no worries. You can go back to quizzes now lol)
Kayla Kumari: hahahahahaha
Kayla Kumari: gaslight gatekeep girlboss graveyard
Anya: KAYLA omg

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Laneia: wow not to brag but I just received an invite to the vip night at fear farm
Nico: I swear that if AS ever goes under I am just gonna apply to be one of the monster maze people
dream job
you should go to VIP night Laneia!!
Laneia: Nico
I would literally wet myself and pass out
I get scared when my own children enter the kitchen
one time Amanda let herself into my home and came into my room and i screamed with such terror that she has literally never used her key again
Nico: oh nooooooo
omg let me see if I can find this one silly photo
first fall Sadie and I were dating we drove out into the suburbs to go to a “haunted” mini golf course and it was very low-key. Not as cool as fear farm. like…look at this shower

Nico: fear farm looks like quality
5 skulls 💀💀💀💀💀
Laneia: !!!!! this is so evocative
Nico: it is a strange photo without context
now that I think about it
Laneia: esp with the golf club!
Sadie’s so proud of the murder she just did
Nico: I am laughing so much
Kayla Kumari: I do wanna go to haunted horror nights at Universal
Riese: I went to haunted horror night at Greenfield Village but the unexpected sideshow was that one of our friends was on ecstasy and her boyfriend didn’t know but then she confessed to him and he got really mad at her and then she was on drugs in a fight in a haunted colonial village
anyhow I think you should go to Haunted Horror Night at Universal
Nico: yeah you should go
to universal!
Laneia: yes agree
Laneia: everyone should go to scary things except for me

---

riese: i need to get something notarized for this mammoth chamber of commerce application
laneia did you say once that amanda is a notary
cuz i need to get something notarized
laneia: she used to be
riese: but she is no longer a notary?
laneia: her license (?) has lapsed so now she’s just a regular girl
riese: sad!
laneia: i know!
i had to update my twitter profile and “inventory optimization analyst” or whatever is WAY MORE LETTERS

---

Kayla Kumari: ok i’m asking about femme monster stickers and also how to actually implement the demon filter
carmen: Yes those feel like the two things!
nico: “implement the demon filter”
Kayla Kumari: love my job

I’ll Spit in His Eye

Kayla Kumari: omg omg omg we are meeting our monthly exterminator (a necessary expense in orlando lol) for the first time rn and I am ALMOST POSITIVE SHE IS A DYKE
Viv: yessss
Laneia: omg kayla, congratulations
Kayla Kumari: can’t wait to have a close personal relationship with Rebecca from Heron Home & Outdoor
hopefully not too close bc that means we’re having an infestation problem lol
Carmen: Monthly exterminator, I would not be built for Florida
Viv: same
Laneia: by this time next year she’ll be dogsitting for y’all and inviting you over for bbqs
Kayla Kumari: she has the most gravelly voice omg
ok literally Laneia, she walked in the door with milkbone treats in her pocket for Lola
Laneia: also I feel like if I could find even ONE dyke in a home repair/maintenance job, i could then unlock the rest of them
Kayla Kumari: hahahaha
omg Rebecca is so chatty, she and kristen are like butch bantering rn
carmen: Love this
laneia: Rebecca’s day is MADE
viv: BUTCH BANTERING
hahaha
Kayla Kumari: they are talking about hurricane prep
Laneia: omfg
top tier butch banter fodder
I could weep
Kayla Kumari: and rising homeowners insurance
Laneia: I bet she has thoughts on the integrity of your home’s foundation
Kayla Kumari: and the cost of roof replacements
Viv: and you’re like, typing away on slack
Kayla Kumari: yes lol
the business femme
Laneia: pls if anyone offers to share a plant clipping especially from an outdoor plant, quote it exactly
Kayla Kumari: “insurance companies are like organized crime but legal”
Laneia: this is an ace hardware butch
or maybe tractor supply actually
bc they also sell shirts
Kayla Kumari: also to paint a picture, Rebecca is wearing her Heron work shirt with the sleeves rolled up, belted cargo pants with OF COURSE a carabiner with like 17 keys on it, boots, and a baseball cap with her ponytail pulled through it
Laneia: PONYTAIL PULLED THROUGH
Viv: me in college
Kayla Kumari: i could not tell you if she was 45 or 60
Viv: i’m happy there’s a silver lining for u in the cloud of cockroaches
Riese: RING OF KEYS
Laneia: silver lining among the silverfish even
Kayla Kumari: hahahaha
Lola loves Rebecca so much she wants to leave with her
Riese: wasn’t that in the dog quiz
something about Lola being willing to leave with anyone
oh it’s “you love all people so much, you would even welcome a burglar into the home”
Kayla Kumari: yes
but it’s true she would leave with anyone
when we take her to this dog bar place in st. pete, she always tries to leave with other people
Kayla Kumari: ok as Rebecca was leaving, she said “stay safe” and we said “you too” and she said “oh I’m too mean for a hurricane to bring me down. I’ll spit in Ian’s eye”

What We’ve Been Watching

PR Emails That Lost Their Way: It Always Pays to Anal-yze Your Chess Games In the Aftermath

More often than we’d like, people email us about things that demonstrate they might be missing the point.

Nicolodeon

This is just a doodle from Nico’s notebook :) They hope it brightens your day!

KKU LookBook

A MAJOR update this month is that I no longer live in Miami. I live in Orlando, where I honestly feel more at home already. But a MAJOR loss of this move is the mirror wall. The first photo in this lookbook is the last to be taken in front of my iconic Miami mirror wall. RIP TO A LEGEND!

Look 1: LAST MIRROR WALL PIC EVER!!!!!!!!! I think tbh I bought this pleather zip-up crop tank online from a sex shop lol, and I cannot find the original. But Forever21 has something similar for $18. The slit maxi skirt is my GIRL but she has been out of stock from ASOS for a minute. Here comes Forever21 with a comp once again ($25). The heels are Steve Madden ($50), and I’d say they’re not like the MOST uncomfortable but definitely not to be worn if you’re walking a longer distance than from like a car to your table at the restaurant. I styled this with some gold layering necklaces from my girlfriend (mine are Ana Luisa), and my nails are courtesy of my stellar manicurist (also my girlfriend).

Look 2: I’ve decided this fall is gonna be my blazer over a bra era. This fitted blazer is from H&M many years ago, but H&M has a new version that’s available for $43. I’m also wearing my Ana Luisa necklaces here and a pair of ripped jeans ($34).

Look 3: This fall is also my Clueless era, perhaps inspired in part by Do Revenge. ASOS has a comparable blazer for $45, and I don’t own this exact Free People cord mini skirt ($60) but WOW DO I WANT IT. Also imo few fall pieces are more versatile than a very good black turtleneck tank ($28). I’m wearing a choker that I think was a gift from my father to my mother a very long time ago, but it’s like a heart charm on a velvet choker kind of vibe ($32).

Meet A New Contributor!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

shea wesley martin, Writer

Social Media:

Instagram: @sheathescholar
Twitter: @sheathescholar
Tiktok: what’s a Tik Tok?

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?

I really enjoy being sandwiched between my dog, Mabel the Pig, and my partner, Jane on the sofa in our living room. Mabel has no concept of boundaries and thinks the entire couch belongs to her. I’m an introvert (and a Taurus) so I love being surrounded by the people and things that make me feel safest and super comfy. Oh – also, you can never go wrong with PB and J.

What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Oh my goodness. When I was first “out” as an adult and living back home in the DC area, I decided to take this girl on a date to the zoo. I was in-between jobs and so incredibly broke. For those unfamiliar with DC things – the National Zoo (and most of the museums around town) is free so I thought great, we can walk around the zoo and chat FOR FREE. Here’s where the plan started to go south though – I actually hate going to the DC zoo. It is super hilly and I also get tired/cranky. Also, it was July in DC which meant that it was approximately 1 bazillion degrees and humid. Unlike some other popular landmarks in the area, the zoo is not close to a metro stop – it’s equidistant from two stops (about a mile walk either way). So, on one of the most excruciatingly hot and humid days of the year, I took a bus and a train (and then walked a mile) to the zoo for this date. It only took 15 minutes to figure out I didn’t really vibe with my date but then I was stuck walking the hills of the zoo for hours looking at monkeys and lizards while sweating profusely. After we left the zoo, my date wanted to walk another ½ mile down the street to a restaurant she loved. I agreed because I desperately wanted free water. When we arrive at the spot, my date says “let’s get dinner.” I had seven bucks in my pocket so I ordered a kids’ grilled cheese and water. She looked at me like I’ve got three heads but at the end of the meal, she says she’s paying! I think to myself, “Damn I would’ve gotten an adult grilled cheese if I would’ve known this girl was going to pay!” We said our goodbyes and she left. About thirty seconds after she left, I realize I didn’t know where I was so I end up wandering around DC aimlessly for another hour before finding a train to go home. The next day, she messaged me saying she was giving her ex another chance. I poured myself a tall glass of water and sent her a message thanking her for the grilled cheese.

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I don’t use a lot of emojis but I’ve just discovered heart on fire (❤️‍🔥) and I love it. I use it for the people, places, and things I love very fiercely. I’m not sure if that’s the intended use, but it makes me happy and it’s like me saying “I LOVE THIS PERSON/PLACE/THING VERY MUCH AND IF YOU HURT THEM I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH AND WIN, BITCH!” What can I say? I am a Taurus – I am loyal as hell and always ready to pull up if needed.

What’s your #1 turn-on/off?

My biggest turn-on when seeking romantic or platonic connections is self-awareness. My biggest turn-offs are definitely dishonesty or a lack of investment in accountability. Life’s too damn short to be anything less than honest and I am not interested in building community with anyone who won’t take responsibility for their actions.

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?

Can I be really honest – like super-duper honest? Lately, sh*t has been rough – I’m in grad school, teaching, writing, and just trying to exist as a fat, Black, disabled, queer, nonbinary person in this (mostly terrible) society. I deserve a damn gold medal for each day I’ve gotten out of bed, put on clothes, and made it out of the house. So I’m proud that I’m still here – still breathing, still fighting, and still experiencing joy amidst it all.

Failure Is An Art Form

We are here to normalize trying, failing, trying, and failing again!

“I have not been very communicative about my needs or feelings this month, over-worried with becoming a burden during a stressful time of moving for me and my partner, and it is making me a not very good partner! If I have one personal goal for October, it’s to be more clear in my communication, vulnerable, and honest about my feelings even when those feelings are difficult.” – Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

“Any and all plans I have made for maintaining any semplance of a normal or reasonable work life balance have gone out the window in the lead-up to the fundraiser, have been completely defenestrated. I wanted to be able to do more normal things but it just is not working out.” – Nico

Well, we know how much y’all love candles

Haunted / Not Haunted

Welcome back to another round of Haunted/Not Haunted! This month things take a turn for the personal as I askNicoif they think my local grocery store is too spooky to keep shopping at (at least until Halloween is over)!

#1 LEAVE HEATHER ALONE

Heather: This evil clown that screamed at me when all I wanted was some bananas.

Nico: Besides the fact that I will be forever haunted by this “mouthwatering water” sign, I have to let you know that this is a Halloween decoration, Heather, and aside from it startling you, it can do no harm. Even if it is inhabited, with the rate at which this fruit disappears, how could it form any attachment to the fruit? You are free to get your bananas. If the shop’s proprieters have entrusted a helpful spirit with the protection of their produce and offered this Home Depot clown’s skeleton as a home, then I imagine you will only TRULY run afoul of him if you thieve, which I don’t, considering you are Heather Hogan, think will happen.

#2 Why Are These $200

Heather: These cowboy boot sneakers???

Nico: Only in the sense that I’ll never be able to unsee them, never stop wondering how my feet would fit in them. Would they be cushioned in the arch, yet hugged from ankle to calf? Is it possible? How wrong…would it be?

*note* I came back to this. I dreamed of these last night. There may be something more here.

#3 The Devil’s Stable

Heather: The Merry-Go-Round Museum which is full of Merry-Go-Round steeds not attached to any actual merry-go-round.

Nico: There is something horrendously uncanny with the legs on that chicken. I’m not sure about the other animals, but that rooster, that rooster is an idol to some ancient lesser demon. Even lesser demons, though, because the organization of Hell is infernal, inverted, hold more power in this earthly realm than Lucifer. It should be noted that the demon Asmodeus has the leg of a rooster, perhaps that is where this rooster’s proper legs have gone. Go to this museum if you like. Touch the idols, if you like. Just be careful you don’t bring anything home with you.

Dream Screams

riese: good late morning
i keep having the worst nightmares about work and then i go back to sleep to get over them
somehow my subconscious has committed to a limited series which i didn’t realize was possible
Kayla Kumari: i unfortunately had one of those dreams last night where i was just like clicking around in canva
like the dream was a screen
riese: oh god
that’s so boring
Kayla Kumari: i hate screen dreams
laneia: oh damn good morning and also this sounds terrible
riese: in mine [a friend] told me nobody liked me and i should understand why, and then i was watching someone’s dog, and then my roommate (i think it was Rebe from Elite) came to visit and when we were in her room everybody left without us because they didn’t want me around and we were alone in the house with someone’s entire family
but [friend] was like the ringleader
laneia: i dreamed all night about testing the chemicals in my pool with one of those ph strips, just over and over, and the colors disappeared before i could compare them. this is not as tragic as a work dream.
Kayla Kumari: omg riese
laneia: that is horrible
riese: and i had a similar dream last night!
Kayla Kumari: laneia that sounds like the dreams i have where i’m simply trying to compose one (1) text message but cannot and keep trying over and over again
wow what’s going on in your subconscious riese
laneia: what if tonight, before you fall asleep, you imagined talking to this dream [friend] and her apologizing
omg kayla no
truly any dream with a screen is punishment
riese: i was debating whether or not to text laneia “hey do you know why [friend] invited everybody except me” and my roommate was like idk that could make matters worse maybe give them some space
Kayla Kumari: truly
laneia: !!!
ok text me next time and i’ll say that it’s bc [frien was planning a surprise party
for you
riese: ok thank you that’s reassuring
anya: omg @riese
i am sorry and also did you read drew’s piece about dreams
riese: i didn’t yet!
anya: my mind was blank all of last night, blissfully
when i do have dreams they tend to be extremely vivid nightmares or nothing lmao
riese: lately same
Kayla Kumari: weird q but do y’all take calcium supplements
anya: i do not
Kayla Kumari: calcium supplements gave me night terrors
anya: i take melatonin before bed but that’s it
riese: !!!!
Kayla Kumari: which idk if there’s science for that but
anya: wow that’s crazy
Kayla Kumari: it’s what happened
laneia: !!
riese: i take melatonin also
and weed
laneia: oh melatonin fucks me up
riese: and elavil
anya: i can’t remember if i have already shared this information but i used to have this issue where i screamed at the top of my lungs in my sleep
laneia: anya !
you sure have not already shared that!
Kayla Kumari: that’s what calcium supplements made me do!
riese: that must have been fun for your partner
laneia: kayla!!
anya: hahahah the big reveal
laneia: y’all!
riese: Big Calcium
laneia: this is terrible
riese: the reason i take melatonin is that it’s in a fruit gummy form and that means i get to have candy before bed
Kayla Kumari: anya do you not do it anymore
anya: i don’t really anymore
it essentially stopped when me and jess moved in together :sob:
carmen: yeah i can’t take melatonin, it fucks me up heavy
sorry i was catching up here
riese: i also read the entire 9/11 commission report befor ebed
Kayla Kumari: every once in a while like maybe once a month i shake kristen awake and say some absolute nonsense to her and she is, rightfully, scared every time and trying to figure out what i’m saying until she realizes i’m not actually awake and just tells me to go back to sleep and then i do
i never have any memory of this
carmen: anya!! I just got to the anya screaming part!
Kayla Kumari: she tells me the next day
carmen: WAIT THAT’S KAYLA TOO
riese: yeah [redacted] used to do that! i would write down the crazy shit they used to say in thier sleep
anya: the first time it happened (to my knowledge) was my jr year of college and i woke up with all of my suitemates around me like what happened? and i was like hey everyone what’s going on and my roommate micah was like we thought you were being murdered and i was like hahah what
Kayla Kumari: one time i shook her awake and just kept saying “CAMSQUATCH”
over and over
camsquatch
what does it mean
riese: it’s so funny honestly
anya: lmfao kayla
i talk in my sleep all the time apparently
riese: like the things they said in their sleep are were so random and funny
Kayla Kumari: she was actually terrified by the camsquatch night haha because we had just watched that alien season of american horror story
anya: jess has had convos with me apparently where she’s awake and i’m asleep
laneia: !!!
carmen: ok so riese i take the melatonin gummies too, but they gave very visceral dreams where I kept fighting with everyone I loved
Kayla Kumari: omg!
carmen: but now i take only one gummy, every other day
and it hasn’t happened since
riese: omg maybe that’s what’s happening to me
Kayla Kumari: i’ve never tried melatonin i’m scared given my weird sleeping tendencies
riese: because it’s been happening a lot lately
and the melatonin is relatively new to my life
carmen: yeah when i realized that’s what you were taking i was like “this is too similar to be coincidental” — they should put that on the package
carmen: you will think that everyone hates you
riese: omg that is what all my dreams have been about
usually everybody hating me
i mean this week has been especially bad though
maybe cuz i took 3 gummies cuz they tasted so good
Carmen: yeah and they feel so real! at least to me they did, these dreams
Lmaooooooo 3 is many gummies
Kayla Kumari: omg
riese: [friend] was so mean in my dream you guys
Kayla Kumari: side effects may include thinking everyone hates you
laneia: ok yeah i do think 3 is at least 2 too many
Kayla Kumari: side effects include mean dreams
riese: damn i was like how is this allowed, we are adults all staying in the same house, you can’t just fully go on a group outing and intentionally leave one person behind
Kayla Kumari: my most recent instance of shaking kristen awake, i was trying to tell her about kittens on a wheel and she kept being like “like a merry go round? a ferris wheel?” and i’d say no and get frustrated that she didn’t understand the concept of kittens on a wheel
again i am just taking her word for it that tthis is how it went down i do not riese: i believe it
carmen: wow we sleep so well here
proud of this team
riese: i really thought i was gonna have 9/11 dreams from reading the entire log of air traffic control communications right before bed
carmen: well that’s a thing you did
riese: little did i know a more sinister fate lurked in the woods
carmen: wow
riese: i know i don’t know what’s wrong with me
well i mean i know a few things but
Kayla Kumari: it’s so baffling to me because i KNOW i must be fully asleep because during my waking life i am so careful about not waking up kristen! i would never wake her up let alone SHAKE HER AWAKE lmao
even tho she can sleep through literally anything
other than being shaken awake
anya: that’ll do it
riese: omg [redacted] used to shake me awake so i could watch them go to the bathroom and make sure no ghosts came in
and i am the worst sleeper so i was like wow this is bold
Kayla Kumari: on purpose or was [redacted] asleep?
riese: on purpose
anya: i sleep really soundly i just apparently do a lot while sleeping
lanei: [redacted] was the ghost
Kayla Kumari: WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT
riese: the ghost was right there all along
Kayla Kumari: call coming from inside the huse etc etc
riese: i am a super light sleeper
i have to date heavy sleepers
or else we are both unhappy
anya: actually this is making me think, how someone treats a partner in sleep is very revealing
riese: apparently i kick a lot
anya: sleeping is such a fraught part of life
riese: i have gotten this feedback
a lot
about the kicking
laneia: you do kick that’s true
riese: right i was gonna ask you if i’d ever kicked you
i am unsurprised to learn that i have
laneia: well and just your legs are so long
so even in a king size bed
unsafe
riese: right maybe i am just stretching
laneia: true
aggressively stretching
anya: is there a quiz in here somewhere
Kayla Kumari: lol
riese: what is your most annoying sleep habit
anya: what terrible sleep habit of the AS senior staff are you
(1) anya screaming
laneia: tell us what you read before bed and we’ll tell you how many melatonin gummies you shouldn’t eat
anya: (2) riese kicking
riese: your partner wakes up: a) with bruises, b) screaming, c) talking about a cat on a ferris wheel
anya: hahaha
Kayla Kumari: i take up as much space in a bed as possible
riese: (3) carmen never sleeping at all
i also allegedly enjoy to take up some space
anya: i’m just very princessy in that i need eye mask, ear plugs, blackout curtains, 30 mins of reading before bed, melatonin, no one can tell me what time it is, phone away for an hour. chill girl over here
Kayla Kumari: kristen makes herself as small as possible when sleeping so it works out
riese: yes i need that too if i want to actually fall asleep in a healthy way
Kayla Kumari: omg anya you’re one of those! honestly, respect
anya: hahaha i really am
Kayla Kumari: i wish i had a bedtime routine
ok but blackout curtains non
i would not wake up
i actually slept with a light on for a long time
anya: i went to a doctor about sleep because i was like i’m always tired and they made me do this thing where i slept with little electrical nodes on my head and apparently according to the doctor my brain activity during sleep was like the same as awake
Kayla Kumari: omfg i can’t remember if anyone here knows this i feel like kristen or one of my friends roasts me on twitter for it like once per quarter but in college i didn’t have pillows
anya: like i literally have to take 1 hour to fully trick my brain into winding down or else i wake up feeling like i literally did not sleep
Kayla Kumari: for like two years
anya: KAYLA no
riese: what how
Kayla Kumari: i never have a satisfying explanation for this
it’s just like…i didn’t have pillows!
carmen: Anya you are chill — I am so notoriously and dangerously an insomniac, I wrote an entire post about my bedtime routine
anya: thank you for validating me carmen
laneia: something about this pillow situation is at the heart of who you are as a person and i don’t know what it is but two years kayla that is so long
it’s something about surviving through adversity
humble needs
Kayla Kumari: i had acute insomnia for a while but thankfully she’s been gone for a bit
i do miss my ear seeds
carmen: ear seeds sound great, i’m not gonna lie
wait i just scrolled back — kayla how did you sleep without pillows??
where did your head go?
Kayla Kumari: on the bed
or sometimes on a balled up hoodie
anya: no not the hoodie
Kayla Kumari: i kinda had a dirtbag era? hard to reconcile with my present image
laneia: ingenuity, a deep understanding that while things may not be perfect now, one day they will be, so there’s no need to rush, etc
Kayla Kumari: we have all been many people in our lives
now i strictly use linen pillowcases
carmen: that is beautiful.
viv: i also went thru a no-pillow phase kayla! it was better for my neck. and then i slept on the floor next to my bed for a while too
Kayla Kumari: !!
was sleeping on the floor better for your neck
viv: for my back
riese: I have to sleep on my back with only one pillow now
For my back and arm problems

The next day Nico arrived in the office after being out from getting the bivalent vaccine.

nico: Riese while I was sick from the vaccine I fell asleep watching Alone and had a dream where you firmly told us that you needed several weeks off to fulfill your life’s purpose which was to live off the land hunting sheep (??? which are not wild so presumably you are poaching farm sheep) in the mountains of California and teaching other queer people how to live off the land. It was a whole new side to you I never knew about. And then when I woke up super feverish I was convinced for a while that it was real until I told Sadie about it and was like “this isn’t real right?” and she was like “no, it’s not? are you kidding? what?”
riese: Omg there is nothing I want to do less than live off the land
And hunt sheep
I want to live as on the land as possible
I didn’t take melatonin last night and didn’t dream about [friend] hating me again
carmen: I love this for you

The day after that.

Riese: Last night I did take melatonin and I dreamed that me and laneia were doing a Brendan Fraser costume day. And we kept running into people — Vanessa is the only one I remember — who were like we wanna participate can we do a Brendan Fraser costume
And we were like yeah totally
Gretchen was like who’s Brendan Fraser and I was like you know like The Mummy, dead poets society (which isn’t true I dont think), gods and monsters …. but then finally she was like OH ENCINO MAN
Probs I was thinking of school ties, I think he’s in that, not dead poets society
Anyhow happy Brendan Fraser costume day
Kayla Kumari: Gooood morning
I personally would love a Brendan Fraser costume day

Stay Spooky!

XOXO

Team Autostraddle