Letter From Your Editors

Hi! Hello! Welcome! It’s a New Year, and we are tackling it with some new notebooks and some stubborn We Can Do It energy!

1st: Rachel // Malic // Laneia // Drew // Meg
2nd: Nicole // Heather // Vanessa // Casey // Stef

Well my friends, January really came in swinging, did it not? There was an insurrection, an inauguration (funny how those words rhyme), a pandemic that funny enough still wasn’t cured when the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve, and at least from my bedroom window — lots of cold, lots of snow, and long dark nights. A friend recently joked to me “the thing about January is that she’s going to make sure you feel each and every one of her 31 fucking days.” I’m not sure if that’s ever felt more true to me than this year.

But also, I just polished off a plate of pancakes and bacon with a warm mug of hot chocolate, so maybe things aren’t that bad. At Autostraddle we have been working day-and-night for a lot of exciting things to come! I know we’re often teasing moments like these, but I am so proud of all the fun and brave and exciting things we have cooked up. To pull them off, we’re going to need your help, that’s for sure. BUT by this time next month we will be able to talk more concretely about what that means (I’m also willing to bet that we will have laughed until we cried at one of the best bonkers made up holidays that is coming to you fresh from Laneia’s magical brain, but shhhhh! I’ve said too much already! That’s just a hot tip from me to you!).

I hope you all enjoyed some of our A+ content over the last month, including two different Advice Boxes, January’s erotica (edited for you by our very own Malic!), and the harrowing true tales of when pets messed up our sex lives.

And while I have your attention, if I can exercise just a little bit of editorial privilege — I’d like to use my last words to pay homage to the magnificent Cicely Tyson. At 96 years old, she left us on Thursday and I still haven’t been able to put such a towering loss of such into words. I’m so grateful that a once-in-a-lifetime Black woman who broke so many barriers, and dedicated her life to showcasing our humanity as one of our greatest storytellers, was able to live a life well lived and loved. What a gift that she was truly able to receive all her flowers while she was here. And I wish her an infinite rest in blissful paradise.

Drink something warm and delicious this weekend! Think of us! We love you.

Carmen / Rachel / Heather / Laneia / Sarah / Nicole / Riese

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From December 2020

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. Which Happiest Season Character Are You? Quiz, by Riese
2. Elliot Page Is Trans, So “Juno” Is Officially a Trans Film Now, by Drew
3. The Best Lesbian, Bisexual and Queer Movies of 2020, by Drew
4. I Wish “Wonder Woman 1984″ Had Been About Wonder Woman, by Heather
5. Pop Culture Fix: Aisha Tyler and Charlize Theron Want to Play Lesbian Wives in a “Die Hard” Remake, by Heather
6. Autostraddle’s Favorite Lesbian, Bisexual, and Queer TV Couples of 2020, by the TV Team
Disney Characters, Ranked by Bisexuality, by Heather + the team
7. 67 of the Best Queer Books of 2020, by Casey
8. What’s New and Gay in December 2020 in Netflix, Hulu, Amazon and HBO Max?, by Riese
9. 69 Queer and Feminist Books Coming Your Way in Winter 2020 and 2021, by Casey
10. Autostraddle’s Favorite and Least Favorite Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans TV Characters of 2020, by Heather and the TV Team

Seven Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Carmen: In the interest of time! If Riese or Heather want to dream up a funny title for this post (or if any of yall funny people have suggestions) while I pop all these images into wordpress and format/write a quickie intro, that would be just <3
Heather: Portrait of a Bernie on Fire (and Other Lesbian Shenanigans)
Valerie: The L Word: Generation Bernie
Riese: Bernie Sanders Is Once Again Asking Jenny Schecter To Stop Smoking in a Public Park

Heather: does anyone know what this little plastic thing is called that’s on some face masks?

Heather: it’s the thing that tightens the mask
Tracy: If you lived in Philly you would call it the mask tightening jawn.
Shelli: And then you’d talk about how that mask tightening jawn be drawling shorty
Tracy: Then complain you can’t get Wooder Oice in the winter.
Shelli: Then come to Chicago and talk about how decent this winter is being and how wild it is in Philly that they want oice in winter
Tracy: Go Birds!

Laneia: so many notifications !
Carmen: sorry.
Laneia: no it’s ok i was like did i set something on fire am i dead
Carmen: You are in fact not dead, welcome to Friday!
Riese: we’re all dead
and on fire
we are fire and glory and fragments of stars
every one of us
Laneia: some might say i’m a lady on fire, without a portrait
Riese: in the abyss
i did set a portrait of carol on fire but then i blew it out

Abeni: What’s the biggest step in a relationship? Wrong answers only.

Shelli: First of all I need everyone to know that I thought this read “what’s the biggest STRAP in a relationship” and bitch I was ready to answer
Rachel: we deserve to read shelli’s article on the 10 biggest straps of any relationship
Shelli: READY

Carmen: I’m sorry this isn’t relevant to probably many people but Laurie Hernandez (of the 2016 US Gymnastics team) has absolutely the gayestttt taste in television. I started noticing it a while ago, but we have reached a breaking point and I can be silent no more:

3k retweets and I’ll scream
“FOR THE HONOR OF GRAYSKULL!”
into the camera at winter cup

— Laurie Hernandez (@LaurieHernandez) January 13, 2021

Heather: AHAHAHAHA! i want to see that so bad
Carmen: She hit 3k retweets so she promises she will do it!!! I’ll keep an eye out for you!

your words not mine https://t.co/uWZqTWWXZn pic.twitter.com/mv4kykAJOT

— Laurie Hernandez (@LaurieHernandez) December 28, 2020

Heather: COME ON
Carmen: RIGHT!?!?
Heather: lol me too!
Carmen: Ok I’ll stop but wait HEATHER LOOOOK

omg. this is awesome!! https://t.co/qyFB7RWvIb

— Laurie Hernandez (@LaurieHernandez) December 8, 2020

Heather: COME ONNNNNN!!!!!!
that’s actually the cutest thing i’ve seen since that video last week of the puppy falling asleep on the goose
Valerie: she’s one of my favorite tiktokers lol. she has a rainbow in her tiktok bio and uses she/they pronouns
let me see if i can find one of her tiktoks where she says it
Heather: sincerely,
Valerie: social media special queer investigation unit

Stef: oh my god someone on new york lex is looking for a fucking auto mechanic i am walking into the sea
Rachel: did i tell y’all about the performance art fish person here in MPLS
someone last year posted on lex looking for someone to help them catch a live fish for a piece of art
Carolyn: did they post how that turned out
Stef: also curious
i hope the fish found love
Rachel: no firm updates but i gotta be honest i don’t think things turned out great for the fish

Carmen:
[redacted!] [redacted!] [redacted!]🥵🥵🥵

She’s the one you call when you can’t call 911. #TheEqualizer premieres February 7 after the Super Bowl on @CBS and @CBSAllAccess. pic.twitter.com/Hsu3Ubs41a

— The Equalizer (@TheEqualizerCBS) January 9, 2021

Drew: !!!!
Yes I will be watching a CBS show !
Carmen: It’s funny a friend texted me this morning, which is how I found out the full trailer dropped, and that’s literally what they said!
Drew: Hahaha yes!! It feels so weird it’s on CBS!
Carmen: Right? CBS has found an entirely new demographic lol
Drew: Because it’s CBS my hopes that it’s gay are low but I am certain our feelings about it will be gay
Carmen: Drew are you reading my mind? Cuz….

Drew: Ha!!
I think we might both just be gay
Big if true

In Which We Find Out Who Jojo Siwa Is

Carmen: Does anyone know who Jojo Siwa is? And if she came out, would someone like to do a quick write up about that fact? I can walk you through how! Let me/us know!
Natalie: lol
Maybe I’ll get my tween niece on the phone so she can tell me. She’s obsessed.
She asked for JoJo Siwa stuff for Christmas and I was like, “what’s a Jojo Siwa?”
Valerie: she’s big with the kiddos, and she did in fact just come out
i don’t know enough about her to write it though i can just confirm it happened haha
Carmen: YALL
You are both the #2 and #3 person on our team to be like “I don’t know this human, I just know she came out”
Malic: She didn’t explicitly say “I’m a homo,” but she strongly implied that she is.
Carmen: If someone doesn’t tell me who this kid is!! So I can get like 5 sentences on this website lollllll
Laneia: lolol
Malic: I can do the write up! But I think the headline has to be something along the lines of “Jojo Siwa MAYBE Came Out” since she didn’t make an explicit statement and is also a minor.
Valerie: but this though

Malic: Ohhh I didn’t see the latest development
Carmen: Malic I still think this piece is yours, on the count of you knew 2 more things than I knew!
Valerie:for some reason people keep sending me updates about her. i think because i’m obsessed with tiktok and i guess she’s big on tiktok but i’m in a very weird niche corner of tiktok so i don’t see her videos much. (though the ‘i’m coming out’ one did cross my fyp)
Malic: This is so not my usual beat. lol. I’m stoked to do it, Carmen!
Carmen: LOL Great I’ll meet you in your eds to do a little chit chat
Tracy: I should ask my teen if they know who she is.
Shelli: I’ve been low-key obsessed with her coming out
Also I low-key think it should still be like a maybe tho malic. I know I’m not an Ed and stuff but still just my two cents lol
Carmen: OK All you people hear me: If you care or think it’s weird/interesting/funny then you have to tell us!! So we can pay you!! To write funny short things!!
Shelli: And Val I agree on the mysterious front
Carmen: Yall had me learning breaking news on the streets like an old that I am
Shelli: Especially since she’s a dance mom’s baby
Carmen: More facts I didn’t know!
Tracy: Well, my kid is a wealth of information

What We’ve Been Reading

Malic: Feminist, Queer, Cripby Alison Kafer

Vanessa: Hard Times Require Furious Dancing by Alice Walker

Riese: Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M Danforth

Stef:: Everybody Else Is Perfect: How I Survived Hypocrisy, Beauty, Clicks, and Likes by Gabrielle Korn

Heather:: Disability Visibility: First-Person Stories from the 21st Century edited by Alice Wong

Casey: Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M Danforth and Little Blue Encyclopedia (For Vivian) by Hazel Jane Plante

Drew: Luster by Raven Leilani

Gabrielle Korn Retro-Reading

On January 26th, Gabrielle Korn’s book “Everybody (Else) Is Perfect: How I Survived Hypocrisy, Beauty, Clicks and Likes” came out which is very exciting because it’s a really good book and also she used to work right here at Autostraddle!

via How To Own It: Wearable Cats and Dogs

In 1973, Pamela Learned That Posing in Drag With A Topless Woman Is Forever (June 2012) You know how it is, you’re having dinner with your Dad in the Village during Pride and then you look up and see a picture of you in drag with a topless woman on a poster plastered all over!

Lesbian Chic, Back Again For Round Three with “Boyfriend Jeans” (September 20212) – “…what we don’t need is for people outside of our communities to define what makes a lesbian visible, to pick a certain gender identity they feel comfortable with and declare it “chic” and “hip” and then not only police our genders based on that ideal, but also appropriate it.”

How To Own It: The Queer Grrl’s Guide to the Galaxy (November 2012) – This post went madly viral for like two years? On Pinterest? It’s about making galactic print clothing!

Lez Get Dressed For Work: Beginnings (May 2013) – The first in the Lez Get Dressed For Work series, valuable for the post and for the comments!

How to Own It: Personalized Fancy Keds (March 2013) – The whole How to Own It series is really cute it’s hard to pick just one or two! She did like full fashion craft projects. Ombre! Pocket squares! Underwears! Studs! A real blessing.

Queer 4 Queers, Ranked By Spookiness

Sarah: @channel what do you think about these stickers? which one is jumping out to you?

Nicole: omg
Laneia: the center ones remind me of a place that sell bowls, like power bowls, they call them power bottoms probably like all the protein is at the bottom of the bowls omg
sarah is there a colorway or a holographic situation to keep in mind when taking these in
witnessing them
Sarah: Laneia!!! yes ok, so the ones on the right will be printed in black on vaporwave paper.
also if this helps. Here are some other options from r2.

Laneia: i don’t hate the lightning bolt situation OR the long single line actually?
Sarah: we’ve been through several rounds of revisions and we need to go back with our final pick!
Carmen: My favorite is the single line (I realize this is also not helpful!)
Laneia: lololol
Sarah LOL
guys!!!!!
Nicole: hahahaha
Sarah: should we make bumper stickers
Nicole: Yes
Sarah: and then do like a spooky sticker
we could just buy another one of these designs and make a bumper sticker and also make a sticker
is what i’m voting for now
Carmen: I do agree with Laneia re: the single line, for what it’s worth
Sarah: let’s just add this bumper sticker to the store? in addition to the other three stickers?
Nicole: yes i am in favor of this
Laneia: LOL
Nicole: people have asked for bumper stickers
and we are trying to be in more places, with merch
Sarah: they truly have
for so long
Nicole: i want AS to be in your cabinet, on your car, on your keychain, you look at your water bottle, there’s a sticker there, too, pull your queer agenda journal out of your have a great gay tote and write yourself a note about how you can’t stop thinking about reading Autostraddle and you’re not sure why
sorry that reads bananas. but! I love the bumper sticker idea! it needs the Autostraddle wordmark
Laneia: i love this energy
Sarah: yes that makes sense to have the logo on the bumper sticker!!! ok, i’m just gonna call it and say that the plan moving forward is:
bumper sticker
spooky queer for queer sticker
OR
just the bumper sticker??!
Nicole: I like both
reg sticker still needs logo!
Laneia: both
“why not both?” -2021
Sarah i knowwwww nicole
and yes exactly laneia yes
Riese do you approve of this message
Riese: what message am i being asked of which to bequeath my approvals
Laneia: 2 stickers
Sarah:
1. bumper sticker
2. spooky queer for queer sticker
OR
just the bumper sticker??!
Riese: by “spooky” do u mean the sticker i don’t like
Laneia: riese i feel so confident that spooky will be a hit
our stuff skews so earnest! spooky will be for the goths
Sarah: YES
Riese: everybody is sadly wrong about the spooky sticker
it’s country and everybody will look country in it
Laneia: RIESE
Nicole: omg
i like the spooky sticker
Sarah: lol
Laneia: loll
Carmen: (riese I also don’t love the spooky one, BUT I think having spooky + non-spooky bumper sticker is like best of both worlds?)
Sarah: HONESTLY your favorite is country
Riese: IT IS SIMPLY FEBRUARY
Carmen: Is Nicole a secret goth?
Nicole: we have so many non spooky things
Sarah: to be really honest
Riese: WHO wants a FEB SPOOK
Laneia: casper
Sarah: people who are cold
Laneia: oh true
Riese: casper reminds me of laneia
Sarah: people with internalized homophobia
Laneia: is it spooky or is it just cold? YOU DECIDE
Sarah: people who are afraid of their own power
people who are into vibrating
Riese: so, carol
Sarah: LOL
Nicole: traditionally: the 12 days of xmas were supposed to be some of the most haunted of the year, and it’s still winter! so! spooky!
Sarah: omg CAN CAROL MODEL THE STICKERS will people be mad
Laneia: also maybe they are rivers
Nicole: or icicles
Laneia: YES
Riese: honestly i am just devastated on this day to learn that all of these people i kindly hired to work at this company except for carmen are incorrect today
Sarah: Rachel also agrees
she was the first one who spoke out on this
Riese: rachel loves a spook
if i were to rank us all by spookiness
rachel would hands down be number one
then nicole
Sarah: ooohhhh
Nicole: lol you’re probably not wrong
Laneia: mhm this is all true so far
Sarah: i’m number 3 right?
Riese: then winona the cat
Sarah: WOW that makes sense
Riese: then sarah can be number 3 but i feel like you could never really spook anyone cuz you’d start laughing
Laneia: WAIT beth though!
Riese: ok all the cats are tied for #3
Carmen: omg i love this
Laneia: momo! extremely spooky
Riese: then laneia
Carmen: (i already know my ranking)
Riese: then sarah
hmmmm
then me
Carmen: i actually agree with this!
Riese: then Carmen
Carmen: YaYYYY
LOVE NOT BEING SPOOKY
Riese: today carmen is both the least spooky and the most right
big day
Laneia: then it’s everything all of us own, everything we’ve ever known, and tHEN heather
Riese: absolutely yes
heather is #200 on the list
#199 is my coffee table
Laneia: this is just true and accurate
Riese: great work everybody
we solved it
ok real q tho
what is spooky about queer media
Sarah: LOL
Riese: besides that rachel works here
Sarah: everything we own and then heather
also i was joking how am i the 5th spookiest!!!!
i guess since it’s carmen who is def after me, and heather after her
Carmen: LOLLLLLLL
Sarah: ok it makes sense i also agree with this
Laneia: queers are scary
Sarah: i feel like you’re spookier than me tho riese
ADMIT IT
Riese: probs true sure
Sarah: like your death jokes
Riese: ok final answer: 1. rachel, 2. nicole, 3. all the cats, 4. laneia, 5. me talking about death, 6. sarah, 7. carmen, 200. heather
Sarah: yes
Riese: if we print the spooky sticker and it bombs then everybody owes me an olive oil cake
Carmen: but not me
Riese: correct
carmen owes me nothing
not even a spook
Carmen: :hugging_face:
Sarah: what if it outperforms all the other stickers and we sell out
Nicole: CAKE
I love cake. That’s all I have to say. We have to eat some cake if it sells out.
Riese: then i will add it to the list of things i was very wrong about
although i guess if all of you like it that’s a good sign
Nicole: my grandmother kept a book, literally, where she would write down whenever someone wronged her. for decades. from the 60s on.
i don’t think it was healthy.
Riese: oh i don’t write down whenever someone wrongs me
i write down whenever i am wrong
nobody wrongs me more than me
Heather: oh my gosh, y’all, i saw all these notifications and thought i missed a meeting or a deadline or a homework! luckily it was not and just a haunting!

Bone Bone Horoscope Going Into February 2021

pic.twitter.com/yDteIrRfx2

— ㅤَ (@bonebonebot) January 29, 2021

Something is shifting; a series of events has been set into motion. What is it, and from which direction will it come? There is no way to tell. Bone Bone is alert, but not yet pessimistic; he urges you to look around you, but also look ahead, and think about in what areas of your life you might move forward this month.

Is Love a Lie for Drew, Specifically

[wrt the standing question of whether love is a lie]

Drew: I’m too busy with Sundance but would like to say I haven’t heard from my new crush so love is once again a lie and someone should say it
Vanessa: i love drew’s path in this decision
so clear cut
Rachel: mayhaps we need a flowchart
Drew: It has been less than three days so love could very likely stop being a lie sometime this weekend. Always a fun adventure in my brain!
Vanessa: honestly drew as a fellow cap i respect you being too busy BUT
i feel like a quick flow chart
just a lil diagram
could be very helpful to everyone
in living life with the precision and clarity you have re: love being a lie
Drew: Sundance ends on the 3rd…… yeah sure I could do a flow chart on the 5th lololol
Vanessa: hahahahahaha
i mean i’ll draw it in paint for you if you narrate it
real old school blog days
did y’all know you can use paint online now?!?!? and if so why did no one tell me?!??!
jspaint.appjspaint.app
Drew: Wow I would genuinely love to see your old school blog days paint skills
Vanessa: listen babe
if you thought my IG stories were creative
just wait
Drew: !!
Vanessa: this is just an example

as i made this i thought
“do i know what a flow chart is”
and the answer is “i think perhaps not”
but i also thought
Drew: HAHAHA
Vanessa: “damn my digital spray paint skills are solid”
so you know, this project could go many ways
Drew: I’m obsessed with this and you
Vanessa: my favorite words
Drew: Even if this eventual flowchart is not made in paint I am saving this one as idk my phone background or something lmao
Vanessa: literally all i’ve ever wanted!!!!!
Vanessa: OKAY @Drew: i figured out flow charts

^^ @laneia u r welcome
Christina: Oh my god
Drew: WOW
I think it’s done ???
Riese: this is a masterpiece
Laneia: oh my god
Heather: ahahahahaha “4 NOW!!!”
Sarah: this spray paint look is bringing me back!
the vibrational colors!
Heather: i like that “bad at texting” could go either way
Laneia: remember when we printed the ‘is this sex’ flowchart
i’m just saying
might wanna consider
Vanessa: did you know laneia that I ordered a print of the is this sex flowchart and had it mounted on a piece of wood and covered in a waterproof varnish type thing
and then i hung it in my bathroom
for the 2 years i lived alone
and did not take it down even when my parents visited
Carmen: hmmmhmm it’s one of our greatest hits!! I am constantly looking to figure out how to get it back to the front of our website
like it is a constant thought in my head
“is it time to bring back the sex flowchart?”
Carolyn: YES
Vanessa: IT IS ALWAYS TIME
Carolyn: Also love the energy of the sex shit stays out no matter who is over
Carmen: For those who have never seen the flowchart:
lesbian-sex-flowchart1-1.jpg
“Go Make a Sandwich” is always my favorite part
Vanessa: Oh wow the poster is slightly different!
I think prob bc of the dimensions
This is gorgeous
But Carmen you’re right, go make a sandwich is objectively the best part
Drew: “I’m wearing a cute hoodie and jeans”
Laneia: i have absolutely had sex in a hoodie and jeans so i will be requiring an update on this one sorry

XOXO

Team Autostraddle

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