Love,

Carmen / Riese / Nico / Laneia / Kayla / Heather / Anya

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Kayla: I don’t really respond to ASMR but what if I did a piece that’s like “these things are my GAY-SMR” and one of them is just interviews with Melanie Lynskey in which she’s speaking with her real accent
Carmen: …. whats her real accent?
Laneia: neyuar zearlind
Carmen: omg what

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Nico: Morninnn
Carmen: Good morning!

*17 minutes later*

Carmen: OMG I ALMOST FORGOT!!!
Happy Taissa/Van reunion day to all who celebrate
*it’s me who celebrates

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Kayla: increasingly i like the idea of living in ann arbor tbh lol but i think i am just doing the whole Just Turned 30, Nostalgic For College thing
Anya: kayla i’m going to my college improv group’s reunion this weekend, and as a person who Just Turned 30 myself, this is Too Much
Riese: yeah, it’s a great town!
Carmen: No yeah Ann Arbor is great
Anya: i think we can all agree ann arbor is great
i’m not gonna advocate for new haven
connecticut’s vibes are off as discussed previously
Kayla: well i hate the entire state of CT unfortunately
Carmen: I went to college in Saint Paul Minnesota
so I think you’re all doing just fine here
Because my freshman year the wires for my iPod headphones broke in my hand from the cold
In. My. Hand.
Laneia: feels illegal
Anya: oh my god
Riese: yikes
some ppl do live there on purpose

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Nico: Happy UndeadStraddle!!
I feel like the a+e news should either have ooooooOoooOooOooooooo as a subject line or just all the spooky emojis
A+E-Boos
Carmen: I think that’s really cute, yes!!
Kayla: Ok shoutout to the readers going in on the bit in the comments!!!!!!
Nico: FOR REAL
Kayla: Pallas saying “U+ member”
Nico: Yes
Dead

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Kayla: omg I won’t add it to the thread since it seems it has been decided on, but I just remembered having my life ruined by Bedazzled
a lot of Brendan Frasier movies made me gay bc of his co-stars but The Mummy and Dudley Do-Right both came out in 1999 and George of the Jungle was 1997
Bedazzled was 2000
Laneia: wow, the degree to which i’m not going to read all 131 threaded replies to that list BUT i do want to take a moment to fully appreciate “a lot of Brendan Frasier movies made me gay” just as a series of true words

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*the morning after the Love Is Blind reunion fiasco*
Riese: Good morning
It is me a personal victim of Netflix
Does everyone know what happened
I still can’t believe it happened
That they messed up so profoundly
I still haven’t seen the love is blind reunion
It will go down In the history books
Does anyone want to hear about my pain
The collective pain
Of millions
Okay I will continue to carry it

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Nico: good morning
Carmen: good morning!
Hahahaaa I just remembered that I’m off today? So I still wish y’all a good morning! But now I’m gonna poof disappear
💨

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Riese: i just suddenly remembered tiny pineapple
Laneia: omg i thought about TP last week!
Riese: it was so cute
Laneia: that sweet summer child
Riese: what a baby gem

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Kayla: every week i always save writing about my favorite parts of the Yellowjackets episode for LAST but that’s also what takes the most time 😞 when will i learn and invert this process
Riese: i would save the parts i had complicated feelings about and also the sex scenes for last
Carmen: this fascinates me because i write all my recaps in chronological order
it has never occurred to me to write some beats ahead of others
Riese: it’s mostly about like, i just gotta get the bones in there
so if it’s something that i know i’m gonna agonize over getting just right — like the intricacies of what’s wrong with finley’s sobriety storyline or micah/maribel’s TTC storyline — i’ll skip it just to get everything else down & in
Laneia: gotta get the bones in before you get the boning in
Riese: exactly Laneia

What We’re Reading

HIS PAIN YOUR GAIN

Nico: Stef and Darcy and any other gym ppl look what I passed today while transportingfundraiserperks

Nico: It’s free. Should I join?
Stef: omg Nico!!! what a fucking find!!
Nico: It has the energy of a white van that says “free candy” on it.
Stef: i need a shirt from there SO bad
“his pain, your gain” holy shit
Nico: “His pain, your gain”
Yes lol
That illustration goes so hard.
Stef: they’re so real for that
it really does, i love it
reminds me of the younger brother in the Righteous Gemstones
Darcy: wow wow
the life preserver on the cross really adds a certain something
Heather: is the implication here that jesus’ could have avoided the cross if he’d been stronger from working out?
or that jesus bore the cross so you can stfu and do five more reps?
Niko: And on the third day, did he even lift bro?
Darcy: also like, couldn’t jesus walk on water? why would he need a life preserver
Nico: Maybe you need it…cuz you’re not nearly as ripped and cool as Jesus.
Heather: that does sound way more in line with the youth pastor messages of my youth :joy:
Darcy: all of my straight friends who grew up in religious households talk about their first crush being jesus, so like…
Nico: I love that it’s “Glory Bound Gym” implying that neither acts nor grace are the pathway to heaven, but getting swole is.
Heather: object lessons about jesus are the… life preservers of youth ministry
Darcy: glory at this point has been so inextricably linked with holes, i’m too gay i cannot see “glory bound” as anything other than kink
Nico: oh my
Darcy: just did my weights, can’t wait to get directly into heaven
Laneia: WHY ARE THE LETTERS RANDOMLY CAPITALIZED
omg this is making my throat close up
Nico: I don’t know Laneia. The capitalization has no logic.
Heather: i think the T’s are capitalized for ✝️
Nico: yeah but what are the L’s capitalized for
omg Lord
wow we cracked it
Stef: i’m sorry, y’all…i had to step away to record BUT
if you’re not familiar, there was a group of powerlifters and bodybuilders in the 90s called The Power Team
and they had basically the same energy as this gym. anyways, their lil show was featured on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. here’s the clip for y’all’s enjoyment

Stef: and if you’re wondering…i unfortunately knew about these guys before i even started this shit lol
Nico: what i would have given to have had this be a school presentation
Stef: would’ve lost my damn mind laughing watching the Power Team if they ever are to my school
Nico: it also reminds me of when I was traveling through Oklahoma in 2012 and got advertisements while watching TV in a shitty hotel room for “Body by God”
and then I went to go get some breakfast at “Eggs and Things” and there was a “Body by God” RIGHT NEXT TO IT
it’s a chain
Stef: wow, going to see if Body by God has merch rn
in all seriousness, the confluence of “fitness” and christian nationalism unfortunately runs pretty deep. it sucks but it no doubt produces some of the funniest content
Nico: yes for real
and then it segues perfectly into fascism
just a hoppity skippity and you’re there
Stef: yeah, absolutely
Nico: it looks like Body By God has ZERO current internet presence 10 years later
Stef: i was just looking, too!! haha
goddamn it!
Nico: it was a weird time. there was a drought. wildfires. i drove the tail end of a 13 hour leg of my drive in the dark out of Oklahoma and into Texas on the highway with a swarm of locusts pummeling the car for hours, just my headlights and the locusts and the faint red glow of the fires off to the right.
maybe Body by God never existed. who knows.
Stef: hahahaha no i believe it
i think you saw it
shea: This is a must read for anyone who wants to be bound to glory!
Nico: all i’ve gotten to so far is the photo and i love the 1) bible 2) wedding ring flash
“Everyone acts MEDIUM – NO BIG SHOTS allowed”
Gonna steal that. ACT MEDIUM.
shea: White man’s creed.
Nico: Lmao it’s true
A.Tony: this entire conversation. was a gift omg thank you
Adrian: I wish I were still in theology school so I could write a paper about this storefront. the LAYERS.
Stef: “everyone act medium” is such a sick phrase haha
i might have to convince the guy that owns the gym i go to to steal it
Heather:

What We’ve Been Watching

PR Emails That Lost Their Way

More often than we’d like, people email us about things that demonstrate they might be missing the point.

Why do all NFTs look like this???

Nicolodeon

This is just a doodle from Nico’s notebook :) They hope it brightens your day!

KKU LookBook

April has ended, which means it is now May, which means Pride is just one month away, and pal when I tell you this is LITERALLY ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT BC I WANT TO EXECUTE A PRIDE PACKAGE AS GOOD IF NOT BETTER AS THE ONE WE DID LAST YEAR!!!!!

*extremely Scheana Shay voice* Good as Gold: If you had a visceral reaction to the invocation of the musical stylings of Scheana Shay, how are you —by which I mean, how are you coping with Scandoval? Us Bravo Dykes are carrying a LOT these days! Anyway, this is what I wore to the opening night party for the Florida Film Festival, because in this house we support the good art/film shit happening in Central Florida! The dress is one of my many femme-me-downs from my fiancé who presents as much more butch these days and gifted me a ton of her old clothes, basically doubling my closet! The thing about a gold sequin dress is it’s basically never going to go out of style! Try one from ASOS ($50), which is also available in plus-sizes ($54). My pink Gucci slides were a gift from my fiancé for my 30th bday, and the Steve Madden dupes are $50.

Time To Get Shit Done: An embarrassing fact about me is that when I know I’m going to have a day where I need to get a LOT of work done, wear multiple hats, or potentially have a late night of grinding, I wear this t-shirt repping the college newspaper I worked at in undergrad, The Michigan Daily. I learned basically all of my initial editing, writing, and management skills there, and I also pulled a lot of late ass nights helping produce the daily paper on top of my regular course load etc etc so it just puts me in the headspace of GETTING SHIT DONE. I wore it for the Autostraddle senior team’s first official Pride planning meeting, and guess what? WE GOT SHIT DONE. Maybe you can wear the shirt that inspires you today on top of some ripped black jean shorts ($30). Also, glass straw lidded tumblers ($13) have been a work-from-home gamechanger. My hat says FERNET, BABY! and it’s from a local spot here in Orlando called The Neighbors. Looks like they don’t have them online anymore, but they do have a hat that pays tribute to malört ($25).

Shameless Book Promotion: I got to do a couple cool local readings this month! Both times, I read from my queer horror novelette Helen House (available on Bookshop!), and my Thing has become dressing like some type of doll whenever I’m reading from the book. This time, I went with an elegant floral tea party doll look, wearing a Selkie dress given to me by my fiancé for our anniversary back in February. It’s a different pattern and cut, but Revolve sells some of the floral Selkies ($295) and they go from XXS to 6XL.

Failure Is An Art Form

We are here to normalize trying, failing, trying, and failing again!

I don’t think I’m managing my stress super well this month!!!!! —Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

I am not nearly getting the amount of reading I meant to — specifically post-fundraiser — done! – Nico

Wow I’ve Not Seen Mona Lisa Smile But It Looks Like It Was Pretty Formative For Y’all, Huh?

What Are They Saying About You?

Kayla: i’m working on the quiz which is indeed “Get Ready for a Beach Day and I’ll Tell You What Your Friends Are Saying About You” and i could possibly use some help with a few more of the results that are things that are like shade but not so mean that people will be genuinely upset upon reading it lol just like FUN mean. i have a few already and can likely come up with the rest over the next couple days but if anyone does happen to think of something, lmk
the things i have so far are like roasting the person for falling in love too quickly, roasting the person for never answering texts, and roasting the person for always spoiling tv/movies in casual conversation
Riese: being a deb
Is that too mean
That’s what I always worry the group chat is saying about me
Laneia: always cancelling
Riese: Oh yeah Irish goodbyer or last minute cancel
Laneia: won’t watch/read the thing everyone else is reading/watching for fear of being too basic etc
keeps leftovers too long
Kayla: omg my friends def talk about me being an irish goodbyer
Riese: so do mine
I love an Irish goodbye and respect all those who practice
Laneia: oh oh we used to talk shit about [redacted] for changing her whole personality after watching one (1) netflix documentary
Riese: yes
She got so passionate about the business of being born
Also was briefly a vegan
After seeing food inc
Laneia: lolol bless
Kayla: omg netflix doc is so good
Laneia: buys too expensive gifts for secret santa or something like that
bc that’s lovely but also, smug
Kayla: ahahhaha yes
Riese: Over organizes
Laneia: mmmm yes house looks like a magazine
Riese: Althoughit’snot really a dig but like the person who makes a spreadsheet for a Passover Seder
Laneia: !!!
Riese: Or me who made a 7 page PDF of Airbnb options
Laneia: itinerary for every vacation
Kayla: tis moi
Riese: Yeah I actually love it
My friend did make a spreadsheet for Seder and I appreciate
Also my friend who falls in love too quickly like every time she goes on a first dateshe’slike this is hershe’sthe one
Laneia: hm that might be me
Riese: Talks about their exes too much
(Also me)
Kayla: LOL yeah the very first result i have is:
A. Your friends are talking about your tendency to “fall in love” with every hot person you meet.
You are a hopeless romantic, and your friends have taken notice. Every new person you match with on the apps is the person of your dreams. Every barista who’s nice to you could be The One. Your friends have a hard time keeping track of who you’re dating, but they love your love of love…most of the time!
Riese: this girl on our kickball team goes back and +1 HaHas everything and then I have like 65 notifications and only one word has been spoken
ppl who vanish when they’re in a relationship and then come back full-on
Laneia: i am maybe both of these
which is fine good for me
Anya: well my timing to chiming in on this is in character because i’m so bad at answering texts in a timely manner
Carmen: Oh yeah no, I don’t answer texts for days
Riese: yeah i give texts a long breather
Carmen: they know better
Riese: and then often forget to respond at all
Carmen: yes also me
Anya: wow i’m in gr8 company
Laneia: this is fun i can’t wait to find out what people are saying behind my back according to the oracle

Gayward Pines

XOXO

Team Autostraddle