Also.Also.Also: I’m Very Bi-Serious About This, and Other Stories We Missed This Week
Hello, queens! (And I mean that in all of the queerest ways possible. Lookin’ at you, Elton John.) It’s Wednesday, which means I’ve spent seven whole days scanning my Feedly at work and waiting with intense anxiety to bring you the stories we missed this week. Also, sleeping. Oversleeping, to be exact.
Daily Reminder: Bisexuality Is Real, F*ck These People
America’s inability to deal with Lady Gaga’s bisexuality is probably emblematic of the fact that 15% of Americans think bisexuality isn’t “legit” – with lots of queers among them. Can we please get with the picture?
On Getting Over The Gay Thing: Political Tales of LGBT Discourse
+ Voters in conservative states like South Carolina are coming around to gay marriage at light speed! Though they aren’t quite all with us yet.
+ The upcoming votes on ENDA could be critical for the Republican Party if they plan to, well, stay in business at all (though they don’t seem to really “get it” at all).
+ Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter wants his city to be the “most LGBT-friendly in the world,” and he’s off to a strong start with a slew of new protections in place for the queers of his heartland.
+ In Texas, two same-sex couples are challenging the state’s gay marriage ban.
Because I’m Very Cultured
If you don’t know any good queer artists, here’s 11.
Nicole Goodwin, Bonafide Queer Artist
Susan Eisenberg’s exhibit “On Equal Terms” talks gender disparity in construction.
Feelings About Russia and the Olympics
Russia’s fucked, because Love Always Wins. Plus, I bet the “Gay Games” in Moscow will be about twenty times more fun and colorful than the Olympics anyway. Put your hand up to this pane of glass if you feel me!
The Debut of Their Debutante
When it comes to Cotillion, nothing beats genuine, loving parents watching you grow up – and as for the “two moms” thing, well. F*ck anyone who gets in your way.
Dear Civil Behavior: My wife and I are mothers of a lovely and accomplished 17-year-old daughter, who has been invited to have her debut this year at our annual cotillion. I was fortunate to have a debut as a young woman in the early 1980s and view it as a significant rite of passage that I would like my daughter to also experience. What, if any, are the special considerations for the daughter of same-sex parents who are female? We have many male family members and friends who have offered to present her, but is this necessary? — Boomer Debutante, Dallas
A. Indeed, this is not the kind of “coming out” issue I usually address, but what an interesting question — and one that on second glance is much more layered than it first appears. For the 99 percent of us who are not a part of “Society,” your query is really a stand-in for all the other situations where a daughter with lesbian moms might lack a dad for certain rituals, like “father/daughter” dances and being “given away” at her wedding.
…As your daughter has been invited (which makes it pretty much a done deal), the “committee” must be well aware of your family situation, which gives your debutante-in-waiting various options. The three of you should talk it over and decide whether one or both moms will present her. Whether she chooses one of you or prefers a threesome, walk in proudly, arm in arm with your beautiful daughter. Just as you’ve no doubt done for her whole life, show your daughter you are proud of her, and of your family.
This Video Is Sweet
Told you so.
Bulletin Board: You Should Go and/or Give and/or Submit
+ Girl on Girl, the could-be documentary about femmes and the invisibility which ails them, needs your help!
http://vimeo.com/75951750
+ The LA Gay and Lesbian Wedding Expo is coming up this weekend!
+ Remember The Revival? I loved that ish, and now they need your help to make their epic, poetry-filled road trip into a MOVIE. COME ON, Y’ALL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u-8sy5dGP4
+ The Hoax zine “is a collaborative zine attempting to bring feminisms into everyday life.” And they’re soliciting submissions on “Embodiments” by December 10! Get yr academic on.
+ Wanna hear bell hooks and Melissa Harris-Perry talking black womanhood? You totally can, you know, if you can make it to NYC by Friday.
+ Pier Kids explores the lives of the LGBT homeless youth who “call the Christopher St. Pier home.” But everything means nothing if they ain’t got you.
+ The feature film AWOL requires your dough to spice up your life.
+ Hey, San Francisco! Time is running out to catch the “romp through gender queerness” that is Sidewinders at the Cutting Ball.
+ ASK NOT WHAT ROSIE THE RIVETER DID FOR YOU. ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ROSIE THE RIVETER AND SAVE THE G*DDAMN WILLOW RUN BOMBER PLANT WHERE IT ALL WENT DOWN JFC.
The Unicorn Is So Mainstream
Scotland sold us out a long, long time ago.
The official animal of Scotland is the Unicorn.
A fictitious creature may seem an odd choice for a country’s national animal, but perhaps not for a country famed for its love for and long history of myth and legend, and the unicorn has been a Scottish heraldic symbol since the 12th century, when it was used on an early form of the Scottish coat of arms by William I.
Maybe they’ll share with us.
Once Upon A Time Recap, Just The Queer Parts: Mulan Is in Love With Sleeping Beauty and It’s Awesome
Last Sunday, ABC’s Once Upon A Time made headlines when it “broke new ground” by depicting Mulan as queer. In case you haven’t been following the show these past two years, here’s what’s going on: Mulan (probably) was into Prince Phillip last season. She (definitely) is into Princess Aurora this season. All three actors portraying these characters are gorgeous, and the googly eyed falling-in-love faces they make at each other on screen are heartwarming and adorable.
Are you interested in seeing this, but don’t really want to sift through 50+ episodes just to find the cute bits? You’re in luck! I mined this series for all its queer gold and put the shiniest pieces below.
First things first: the premise of the show is that fairytale characters are real, they’re all connected to each other, and because of a curse by an evil queen they’ve been popping in and out of the real world in unexpected ways. That’s the essence of season one, but we don’t really care about that right now (and in fact, I’m going to ignore the actual main characters of the show because they don’t have all that much to do with the queer content). Onwards!
Season two (airing September 30, 2012) opens with what appears to be the traditional awakening scene of Sleeping Beauty. Prince Phillip (played by Julian Morris aka. Wren in Pretty Little Liars) kisses Princess Aurora (Sarah Bolger) and she returns to waking life. You know the drill.
In a departure from the traditional tale, a helmeted warrior figure watches at the edge of the scene. The figure turns away when the couple kisses.
Out of nowhere, Phillip and Aurora’s reunion is interrupted by a surprise attack from a wraith. A short skirmish ensues and the helmeted figure and the prince both attempt to defend the princess against the wraith.
After the wraith retreats, Aurora notices the mystery helmeted person for the first time and asks Phillip who they are.
The helmet comes off. Surprise!
It’s Mulan, played by Jamie Chung!
Mulan reveals that she is friends with Phillip. “In your absence, she has helped like no other,” Phillip says fondly, with a significant glance in Mulan’s direction.
Via PLL Alloy Blog
The three set off together, and Phillip and Aurora start making up for lost time. They’re all cute and couple-y…
…while Mulan looks on as the third wheel, a constant pained expression on her face. They banter back and forth a bit, but it isn’t exactly friendly; there’s clearly some animosity between Mulan and Aurora. And it’s just like, ugh, are these two women really going to fight each other over who gets the man? Seriously?
Via FanPop
Luckily, this dynamic is short-lived. Before the trio manages to spend even one awkward night together, Phillip realizes he has been marked by the wraith as its next victim. He gives Aurora a goodbye kiss, then sneaks off to face the monster alone.
Mulan goes after Phillip to help, instructing Aurora to stay put. When she protests, Mulan replies tersely: “That thing out there is dangerous. And Phillip – he left to protect you, so even if I don’t believe in his methods, I’m gonna honor his wishes. I’m gonna keep you safe. … Everything he does, he does for you. And now he’s gonna die for you. Love is sacrifice – something you clearly don’t understand.”
Aurora says that she won’t let Phillip face the wraith alone. Mulan gets all protective. “He won’t. But with all due respect, your highness, Phillip’s best chance is me.”
Aurora accuses Mulan of being in love with Phillip. Mulan denies it.
Regardless, they ride together to go after Phillip. When they find him, Mulan volunteers to mark herself instead, so that Phillip can live. He says no.
Aurora begins to cry and says she doesn’t want to live without him. Phillip: “Neither do I.” As the wraith flies at them, he yells, “You two each keep each other safe.” He looks back over his shoulder at them and says “I love you” to… Aurora? Mulan? Both women? It’s ambiguous!
Then Phillip’s soul is sucked out through his face and transported to another dimension. His body is left behind.
Aurora and Mulan leave him and Once Upon A Time’s main storyline comes crashing into their bit of story arc. There are a lot of other not-terribly-relevant-to-the-queer-love-triangle things going on, but basically, Mulan and Aurora join two other characters on a quest and get some quality lady-lady bonding time in.
via A Nursing Degree in Feelings
As their journey continues, Aurora realizes that she is able to travel to another world when she sleeps, obtaining valuable information for their quest. Mulan appoints herself Aurora’s protector as she sleeps (and increasingly, as she wakes), and we start seeing the rough edges of their relationship smooth out into something approaching tenderness.
Unfortunately for their information gathering efforts, it turns out that when Aurora is hurt while dreaming, she is also hurt in real life. Mulan notices her injuries right away. She cites her vow to Prince Phillip to protect Aurora, and tells her she should stop.
They bicker like a couple, but ultimately, Aurora has other plans in mind. “Mulan, I was cursed to spend eternity in that horrible sleep. And, the only reason I’m here is because you and Phillip risked your lives to save me,” she says. “Every day since my waking has been a gift, so let me do something with it. It’s my turn to help someone else.”
Heroic, huh? But before she gets a chance to make good on it, Aurora is kidnapped by zombies! Mulan responds to this super emotionally. Obviously, she has grown quite fond of having Aurora around.
While kidnapped, the bad guys try to pressure Aurora into helping them, but she refuses. In return, they rip her heart from her chest while she’s sleeping. But don’t worry, she’s still alive; we’re in fairytale land, so this just means that they can remote control her body to spy on people.
Mulan comes to the rescue with friends in tow. They cleverly break the bars on their jail cell, but Aurora doesn’t want to join them for fear that she will be remote controlled into sabotaging their mission. She asks Mulan to tie her up.
Mulan has feelings about this…
via Wetpaint
…but eventually obliges with some light bondage, and vows to return. She successfully retrieves Aurora’s heart and comes back to the jail cell. After she gingerly unties Aurora, this happens:
Images via Rebloggy, OUAT-Mulan Tumblr and Mulora Tumblr
I KNOW.
(Mulan puts Aurora’s heart back in her chest. They look like they need a cigarette, but instead of cuddling and whispering sweet nothings to eachother, they engage in the only pillow talk they know how: making a pact to save Phillip. Together.)
Images via Fanforum.com
They try and they succeed, restoring the third side of their love triangle. Aurora and Phillip reunite and Mulan leaves them to aid other characters with their quests.
In their time apart, Mulan and another character have conversations about how much it sucks to not tell someone you love them when you have the chance. Shortly thereafter, Mulan receives an offer to join Robin Hood and his band of Merry Men. Before answering, she says that she needs to talk to someone (“a loved one”) before she can make her decision.
Mulan rushes to Aurora and Phillip’s castle, where Aurora is clearly overjoyed to see Mulan again.
Look how cute they are!
Mulan says that she needs to talk to her, but before she can confess her love, Aurora drops this bomb:
Mulan tries to play it cool but is obviously heartbroken.
Distraught, she tells Aurora that she is leaving to join the Merry Men. Aurora moves in for an emotionally charged hug and her face looks like this:
And that’s where we are now!
If you want to do some more detailed catching up (there are a lot of other things going on in this show), I recommend the watching the official ABC series recap first. Then start watching continuously at the beginning of season two.
For my part, I’m always happy to see a queer woman of color in the media. There are so few representations on TV, and it’s really nice to see writing where a character’s queerness progresses out of the subtext and into the actual text. I’m hesitant to put a specific label on Mulan’s identity at this point, since Mulan hasn’t, but my gut feeling is that OUAT’s writers intentionally played up the ambiguous nature of Mulan and Prince Phillip’s relationship for a reason. A bisexual reason. Hooray for people avoiding bisexual erasure! Such a pleasant surprise.
As for what happens next: there’s so much suspense! Season three’s fourth episode airs on Sunday, October 20, but keep in mind that this storyline is only one of many; it may or may not be picked up again next episode. (There are a lot of people shipping “Sleeping Warrior,” though, so I would expect to see some significant development one way or the other by the mid season finale.) Perhaps Mulan and Aurora will get together, and perhaps they won’t. The single guys are kind of boring and Mulan isn’t really close with any other available women on the show, but there are plenty of options that could be written in. OUAT has never been shy about adding new characters so this isn’t out of the question by any means.
Also, did you catch the way Mulan and Belle were looking at each other? There’s nothing keeping Belle from dumping Rumple and getting with a certain Chinese war hero. I’m just saying.
Spice Girls’ Occasionally Lady-Loving Mel B Actually Has Gotten With Her Friends
Hot on the heels of her brand new single “For Once In My Life,” Melanie B (née Brown, formerly known as Scary Spice) visited the set of the Howard Stern show this morning to discuss… whatever it is that one discusses on Howard Stern. As Melanie and Howard have been co-hosting America’s Got Talent together as of late, they already had a comfortable rapport, and Mel opened up about her already widely reported but seemingly rarely-discussed bisexuality.
Although Melanie B’s most notorious public romance was with noted Nutty Professor Eddie Murphy, the press has often speculated about her relationships with women. In 2004, Mel was photographed kissing her then-girlfriend, film producer Christine Crokos, with whom she was in a relationship for several years. She said at the time, “People call me lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual, but I know who’s in my bed and that’s it… I have a huge libido and a great sex life.” In this morning’s interview, Stern asked Mel about her five-year relationship with mother-of-two Christa Parker, and she confirmed that the two had been very much in love. Since their relationship’s end, Parker has gone on to make very public claims about Melanie’s mental state and her marriage, alongside another woman named Elizabeth Rodriguez (who claimed to have engaged in several drunken threesomes with Christa Parker and Scary Spice). Honestly, you guys, with all the time we spent pining after Sporty Spice in her track pants, this somehow flew completely under the radar.
but any fool can see they’re falling, i gotta make you understaaaaaand…
In interview posted on Sway’s Universe a couple of weeks ago, Mel described her predilections during this time as a “bisexual phase”, though she claimed said “phase” had only lasted about a year. She went on to say she’d trained her husband to “act like a lesbian” in the bedroom, deeming him “perfect.” She was then asked if she and her husband ever engaged in threesomes with women or if they would consider it in the future, and Mel winkingly declined to answer either question.
During this morning’s interview, Howard Stern asked Mel if she’d ever been attracted to the other Spice Girls, and she replied, “Always, they’re my homies!” Brown added that she’d kissed the whole band at one time or another – “I got my tongue pierced and I wanted to try it out so I kissed all of them.” It seems that there was perhaps more going on in the Union Jack-emblazoned double decker Spice Bus than our fragile teenage brains could have handled at the time. Who can say what the heart wants, what it really really wants?
Various problematic statements about bisexuality aside, her new track “For Once In My Life” is actually pretty harmlessly catchy, especially considering her last memorable solo single was 1998’s Missy Elliott collaboration “I Want You Back.” In the video for her dancefloor-ready anthem, Mel actually does kiss another woman… herself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz1Ov1kW1l0
VIDEO: “What Lesbians Think About Bisexuals” Is Hopefully Not What Lesbians Think About Bisexuals
Arielle Scarcella‘s latest video, “What Lesbians Think About Bisexuals,” features several lesbians sharing really special old-fashioned stereotypical ideas about bisexual women. It’s pretty much every nightmare response you could imagine, ranging from “slutty” to “indecisive” to “unfaithful” to “greedy” to “non-existent.” While it’s true that these outrageous and faulty ideas are shared pretty openly in anonymous comments and message boards throughout the internet, it’s really disappointing (to say the least) that the stigma around biphobia remains so minimal that there are apparently at least four women eager to say them on video. As the video goes on, Arielle kinda attempts to challenge some of their perspectives and there is one girl (in a white-t-shirt) who manages to avoid saying anything too terrible — assuming you make it that far without losing your shit / faith in humanity / will to live. I think it’s safe to say that the lesbians on this video are not representative of the entire lesbian community, thus throwing the whole “what lesbians think” title into hot dispute.
The good news is that if you’re bisexual and you wanna hook up with the dreadlocked white girl prominently featured in this film, if you have a really good personality and make her laugh, she’s totally willing to overlook “the fact that [you] had a dick in [your] mouth last week”! Isn’t that sweet?!!
(Also: at one point Arielle asks, “I’ve heard that some bisexuals think they’re better in bed than lesbians?” Really? I’ve never heard anybody say that! Not have I heard any lesbians claim they’re “better in bed” than bisexuals.)
Lady Gaga Dishes On Loving Lesbians, Defends Miley Cyrus, Let The Flamewars Begin
Lady Gaga appeared on Watch What Happens Live yesterday after what appears to have been an underwater escapade that resulted in a starfish getting caught in her triumphant hairdo.
While on the program, certified homosexual Andy Cohen inquired about Lady Gaga’s past experiences with ladies. Lady Gaga has openly declared her bisexuality about a million times over the past five years, yet the news that she has engaged in bisexual activities, such as dating both men and women, remains shocking to the mainstream press.
Gaga told Andy Cohen:
“I’ve taken a few dips in the lady pond. I like girls. I’ve said that (before). I know people think I just say things to be shocking, but I actually do like pussy. It just depends on whose pussy it is…. I love them because I find lesbians to be way more daring than straight men when it comes to coming on to you, and I really like that. And it wasn’t until I found a guy who could come on to me as strong as a lesbian that I fell in love.”
Just in case that wasn’t enough material to inspire defamatory tirades in The Daily Mail comments section, Lady Gaga went on to defend Miley Cyrus:
“I think everybody needs to lighten up and leave her alone. It’s pop music, and everybody’s entitled to their own artistic expression and if you have a problem with that, just change the channel. I don’t understand the incessant need to go on and on about hating things. She’s 20 years old, and if anything, I give her props because she’s growing up in front of the entire world and maybe she’s not so happy with the things that she did in her career when she was younger and she wants to be free. Let her do what she wants.”
who’s got no pants on now
In conclusion, Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus should tongue kiss at the next MTV VMAs just to test whether or not it’s possible for Facebook to spontaneously combust. In other news, global warming is totally still a thing!
White House Will Talk About Bisexual Issues For The First Time Ever
In exciting news for bisexuals, pansexuals, queermos and other in-betweenmos all across the USA, White House Public Engagement Advisor/LGBT liasion Gautam Raghavan has announced that on September 23, a roundtable discussion will be held surrounding bisexual issues in America. This meeting will take place behind closed doors in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building of the White House, and Raghavan has written that “participants and administration officials will discuss a range of topics including health, HIV/AIDS, domestic and intimate partner violence, mental health, and bullying.”
Information surrounding the discussion is limited, but Michael Cole-Schwartz, a spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign has announced that the HRC will be present and participating. He added: “It’s a testament to this administration that they are focusing on all elements of the LGBT community and they should be applauded for hosting an event focused on some of the specific issues impacting bisexual people.”
image via Raymond Boyd/Getty Images
This discussion will be the first time this administration or frankly any administration has acknowledged the myriad issues affecting bisexual Americans. While it is often assumed that non-monosexuals are easily assimilated into LGBTQ culture and deal with similar struggles, the San Francisco Human Rights Commission’s 2011 report Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations paints a very different picture. According to their research, bisexuals were statistically more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, hypertension, complications from smoking, alcoholism and other mood or anxiety disorders, and poor health in general. They were also more likely to live in poverty, less likely to have access to health care and quite significantly more likely to commit or seriously consider suicide than their straight, gay or lesbian counterparts. The report attributes many of these findings to non-monosexual individuals feeling invisible or isolated, that their sexual orientation is considered immoral, invalid or “just a phase.”
Earlier this year, the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention found that in a sample group of nearly 1,000 women, 61% of bisexual women reported some incident of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, compared with about 43% of lesbian women and 35% of heterosexual women. The research also found that bisexual women were statistically more likely to be raped or subject to unwanted sexual contact regardless of relationship status, and also more likely to report that the incident(s) had affected their lives in a negative way. While this of course does not mean that the stigma and oppression faced by bisexuals are “worse” than that experienced by gays, lesbians or any other group, the data clearly points to the conclusion that the issues experienced by bisexuals are unique and distinct, and that investigating their solutions requires treating them as such.
Oftentimes it’s a challenge for bisexuals to simply have their identities perceived as valid, and our government’s acknowledgement that we are a real community with unique challenges is a huge step towards eradicating that misconception. It seems highly unlikely that this White House conference will immediately impact these very real concerns for the bisexual community, and it doesn’t bode particularly well that the HRC is the only group confirmed to be attending given that the HRC doesn’t have a history of specifically addressing or representing bisexual people or issues. But the fact that a meeting is taking place at all is enormous and exciting progress.
37 Books By, For, or About Bisexual or Otherwise Non-Monosexual People
The Internet, and actually also real life, can be a minefield for people who want to learn about or talk about bisexuality. The effort of trying to sift through the straight-up biphobia and the fetishizing porn aimed at straight men can wear you out long before you manage to find anything helpful, insightful, or illuminating. To try to make this process a little easier, we’ve compiled a starter of a list of resources. Here you’ll find academic books and nonfiction books documenting the experiences of bisexual people, fiction or memoir that depicts bisexual people, and a few online resources.
We recognize that this is by no means complete! We’d love to find more resources, especially those dealing with bisexual trans* people and bisexual people of color, and would love to add resources that speak not just to bisexuality, but to pansexuality and omnisexuality and other identities. If you have any suggestions, let us know in the comments!
Also, this list is such that not every title on it could be read and vetted by us personally — we can’t guarantee that these texts depict bisexual people in unproblematic ways, that the ideas put forth by bisexual authors are unproblematic, or that these texts are free of cissexism and racism. If there’s a reason these texts shouldn’t be recommended, let us know!
Nonfiction/Academic
Closer to Home: Bisexuality & Feminism
Edited by Elizabeth Reba Weise
The B Word: Bisexuality in Contemporary Film and Television
by Maria San Filippo
Bisexuality and Transgenderism: InterSEXions of the Others
by Fritz Klein, Karen Yescavage & Jonathan Alexander
Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries, and Visions
by John Dececco Phd & Naomi S Tucker
Bisexuality: A Critical Reader
Edited by Merl Storr
Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out
Edited by Loraine Hutchins & Lani Kaahumanu
Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World, Second Edition
Edited by Robyn Ochs & Sarah Rowley
Bi America: Myths, Truths, and Struggles of an Invisible Community
by William Burleson
Bisexuality and the Eroticism of Everyday Life
by Marjorie Garber
Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics
by Jennifer Baumgardner
Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire
by Lisa M. Diamond
Bi Lives: Bisexual Women Tell Their Stories
Edited by Kata Orndorff
Bisexuality: The Psychology and Politics of an Invisible Minority
Edited by Beth A. Firestein
Bisexuality in the Ancient World
by Eva Cantarella, Translated by Cormac O Cuilleanain
Bisexual Resource Guide
Edited by Robyn Ochs
Bisexuality and Queer Theory: Intersections, Connections and Challenges
by Alexander, Jason and Serena Anderlini-D’Onofrio
The Bisexual Imaginary
by Louise Allen, edited by Bi Academic Intervention
Bisexual Characters in Film: From Anais to Zee
by John Dececco and Wayne M. Bryant
Bisexual Spaces: A Geography of Sexuality and Gender
by Clare Hemmings
RePresenting Bisexualities: Subjects and Cultures of Fluid Desire
by Pramaggiore, edited by Maria and Donald E. Hall
Fiction/Memoir
A Map of Home
by Randa Jarrar
If You Follow Me: A Novel
by Malena Watrous
The Buddha of Suburbia
by Hanif Kureishi
Love Letter to a Female Reader (Love Letters, #1)
by Victoria Primrose
Thorn in the Flesh
by Anne Brooke
Sutherland’s Rules
by Dario Ciriello
The Metaphysical Touch
by Sylvia Brownrigg
Very LeFreak
by Rachel Cohn
Babyji
by Abha Dawesar
Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage
by Jenny Block
Boyfriends with Girlfriends
by Alex Sanchez
The Correspondence Artist
by Barbara Browning
Love You Two
by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli
Torn
by Amber Lehman
Map
by Audrey Beth Stein
Indigo Springs (Astrid Lethewood, #1)
by A.M. Dellamonica
Miss Timmins’ School for Girls: A Novel
by Nayana Currimbhoy
Gut Symmetries
by Jeanette Winterson
The Complete Strangers in Paradise, Volume 1
by Terry Moore
The Hunger (Hunger, #1)
by Whitley Strieber
Orlando
by Virginia Woolf
Empress of the World (Battle Hall Davies, #1)
by Sara Ryan
Bye-Bye
by Jane Ransom
The American Woman in the Chinese Hat
by Carole Maso
In the Name of Salome
by Julia Alvarez
Aquamarine
by Carol Anshaw
Landing
by Emma Donoghue
Resources
Bi Community News
BiMedia.org
American Institute of Bisexuality
BiMagazine
BiNet USA
Bisexual Resource Center
Zoe Saldana Bisexual: Responds With Ellipses When Asked About Prior Relationships With Women
As reported last week, Zoe Saldana probably wants to go down on you. Unfortunately, we only had access to an excerpt of her Allure cover story at that time but lucky for you, I finally got my hands on a copy of the magazine only three or four days later than everybody else did! (It’s been a crazy week.) So let me tell you — the full scoop is quite scoopy. (I should also mention that Zoe gets into some problematic stuff about race in this piece, including her take on her controversial casting as Nina Simone.) (Also, there’s been a backlash to Allure‘s decision to print Zoe’s weight on the cover.)
The story opens with a bit of personal history, discussing Zoe’s childhood in Queens which was interrupted when her father was killed in a car accident and her mother was hit hard with the shock of losing a husband and having scant resources with which to raise a family on her own. She moved the family to the Dominican Republic, where Zoe says she and her sisters faced “a lot of racism, a lot of bullying. The world was cruel.” Her classmates called her “E.T.” because she had a long neck.
Allure then segues into discussing Saldana’s dating history and her current status as “vigilantly single,” as well as discussing some career disappointments and her fierce independence and “single-minded” nature. Which brings us to a conversation about Halloween costumes:
“I was never a princess — I was either, like, a white ninja or a black ninja,” she explains. Saldana would tell her mother, “‘This year I want to be Rambo.’ And I would get the knife and the gun. I was Rambo.” She was 21 before she carried a purse, until then preferring a wallet in her back pocket.
“Asalia, be aware,” Zoe’s maternal grandmother told her open-minded daughter about Zoe’s sexuality. “Because I’m ready for Zoe to come out of the closet.”
She later speaks about ladies, implying with near-100% certainty that she’s had girlfriends in the past:
“I gravitate toward it, but it’s not because I’m avoiding women,” she insists. “I love women, I just don’t want them to hurt me.”
Meaning, she’s asked, you have been hurt a lot by women?
“Yes,” she says emphatically.
And was it jealousy?
She thinks it over. “I don’t know, because who am I to say if it’s jealousy? But who I am is really not accepted by a lot of women… I was very traumatized growing up with girls, so it made me always very cautious… and for many years I was very rebellious, I was like ‘Fuck women!'”
All that alienation from her own gender also made her, as Saldana is the first to say, “androgynous,” the very opposite of what she calls “girlie girl.” But, Saldana adds musingly, one day she might “end up with a woman raising my children… that’s how androgynous I am!”
You mean, you would be amenable to the idea of raising a child with another woman as your partner?
“Yes, I was raised that open,” she says solemnly.
Has she had a relationship with another woman?
The actress stares impassively across the table, silent for the first time since the interview began. Her large brown eyes are focused, unblinking. She is not fazed. She is simply deliberating. How much should she say?
Finally: “Promise me one thing: You’re going to ask this question [in your article] — if you choose to, just put three dots as my response. That’s it.”
“…”
Saldana apparently confirmed to Hollyscoop that statements about her bisexuality in Allure Magazine were genuine and that it “…wasn’t a generalization. It was a statement that I strongly stand by. As of today, I’ve been attracted to the male species, but if one day I wake up and want to be with a woman, I will do that because it is my life, therefore it is my decision.”
But some websites have disputed the “vigilantly single” descriptor this week. In stories that have probably been invented to cover up the fact that you and Zoe Saldana have spent the weekend in a haze of sex and booze, Zoe’s been spotted with Italian artist Marco Perego and “friends say this is the happiest she’s been for a long time… they aren’t calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend just yet but Zoe is super-happy right now. She’s in a really happy place.”
Is that place as happy as your pants? Time will tell.
WaPo Columnist Welcomes Rep. Kyrsten Sinema to Congress with Biphobia and Misogyny
The 2012 election was a historic one when it comes to greater diversity in government. We saw the election of Tammy Baldwin, our first openly gay Senator; Kyrsten Sinema, our first out bisexual Congresswoman; Tammy Duckworth, our first disabled Congresswoman and also an Iraq War vet; and Mazie Hirono, the first Asian-American woman and Buddhist in the Senate, among many, many others. And for most progressive Americans, these women’s victories were both a strong rebuttal to the War on Women and a huge step forward for equality. But at least one person doesn’t know what to make of these women. Or at least, he doesn’t know what to make of one of them.
That person is Manuel Roig-Franzia, and that’s the best impression one can make of his profile of Rep. Sinema (D-AZ) in The Washington Post last Wednesday – which is alternately offensive, patronizing, and just plain confusing. It’s hard to tell whether Roig-Franzia’s piece is more offensive to women or to bisexuals, but certainly, it’s offensive to all people who want to believe we made progress this November. The fact that these pieces still get published show just how far we have to come.
Roig-Franzia is a reporter for WaPo’s Style section; his site bio reads that “[h]is long-form articles span a broad range of subjects, including politics, power and the culture of Washington, as well as profiling major political figures and authors… He’s covered U.S. and international presidential campaigns, the January 2010 Haiti earthquake and more than a dozen major hurricanes, including Katrina.” So why does someone who is comfortable with such a wide range of topics seem so puzzled by how to approach America’s first bi Congresswoman? And boy, is he ever fixated on her bisexuality.
via rawstory.com
The topic comes up in the very first line, with “Something is bugging Kyrsten Sinema.” That thing, of course, turns out to be her sexual orientation – or rather, how people like Roig-Franzia want to keep focusing on it when she’d prefer to tell reporters about her policies and personal journey. He begins by talking about fun-loving and joking she is – almost to the point of trying to suggest she isn’t serious enough with something about how her “aspirationally comedic” tendency is “always getting her into trouble” – before casting her as a vicious harpy for not wanting to talk about her orientation all the time:
And when Sinema is bothered, she isn’t that fun-loving, self-deprecating, laugh riot with the quirky ways. She can turn lecturing, hectoring, defensive, accusatory, pouty and curiously repetitive. Even a softball question about how her sexual orientation has informed her thinking about public policy — she was, after all, the architect of a successful campaign to block a same-sex marriage ban in Arizona — peeves her. “I don’t have a story to tell,” she snaps. “I don’t think this is relevant or significant. I’m confused when these questions come up.”
“Hectoring, “accusatory,” “pouty,” “snaps,” …where have I heard these words before? Oh right, it’s what happens pretty much every time women, queer people or people of color get justifiably mad about oppression – they’re pegged as “hostile” by a privileged person, who clearly knows better what the real issues are. If you didn’t get that message clearly from his description of Sinema as unreasonably furious, there’s the dismissal of her concern by calling the question that bothered her “a softball question”; earlier in the paragraph, Roig-Franzia describes her upset about the worldwide media “distill[ing] her to a single distinguishing characteristic based on her sexual orientation” as just “a real bummer.” The next page continues it with more condescending jabs, offering repetitive quotes with an “Uh-uh,” “Okay. Got it.” and “Ten-four,” as though Sinema is a blathering small child who the grown-ups are trying to shush. He then outright states that Sinema is the one making her sexuality a big deal.
Roig-Franzia makes it clear that he thinks it’s good that “gay men and lesbians” are getting elected to office – and also no big deal, describing the reaction to that of “trending from ‘oh, wow’ to almost ho-hum.” So why then must Sinema’s orientation be given top billing in every article about her? It’s like Roig-Franzia is trying to achieve the space on the Biphobic Bingo Card that says “I can handle gay people, but bisexuals are just freaky.”
Weirdly, Roig-Franzia suggests she is somehow hypocritical for taking campaign money and support from LGBT rights groups if she doesn’t mention being bi constantly. It doesn’t mean you’re not proud of an identity just because you don’t want to be reduced to it. There is nothing “progressive” about treating someone like a token (which is why this is more of a Republican tactic these days).
via Associated Press
And all that is just the first page and a half or so. Like most introductions, it sets the tone for the whole piece, but probably not in the way that Roig-Franzia intends. The rest of his article gives the impression that Sinema isn’t as smart or serious as she thinks she is, and Roig-Franzia has a better idea of what is and is not important with respect to her identity and career. All of that is, unfortunately, fairly common when it comes to reporting by sexist men on accomplished women. But Roig-Franzia’s actual intentions may be just as troubling, except with result to her sexual orientation rather than her gender. It’s that she’s a woman of contradictions. Or, in other words, a “flip-flopper.”
It’s a common insult in politics – we saw it a lot this election season with Mitt Romney, and in 2004 with John Kerry – but it takes on a particularly troubling tinge when applied to a bisexual person. When biphobes aren’t trying to suggest that bisexual people are actually gay or straight, one of the most common stereotypes is to suggest that they’re significantly more indecisive, unfaithful or mutable than the norm. Even the most monogamous bisexual has likely had to deal with a partner assuming he or she is destined to cheat on them. But rarely does one hear that that wobbliness applies to every aspect of our lives, even things well outside the sexual realm.
That seems to be what Roig-Franzia thinks, though. By dwelling on the ways in which she’s changed over the years only after he’s made it clear he sees her as bisexual first and foremost, Roig-Franzia seems to suggest that Sinema’s sexuality makes her a fence-sitter in every area of her life. Amy S. Choi of Feministing points this out in her analysis of the piece:
Roig-Franzia’s lengthy piece in the Post’s Style section is devoted to painting Sinema as a hypocritical flip-flopper in other ways — and devoted to demonstrating his own views of bisexuality. Sinema, he poses, is impossible to nail down as one thing or another. According to him, she went from a Democratic “bomb-thrower” to angering progressives by being too friendly with conservatives. She helped defeat the same-sex marriage ban in Arizona, but only by betraying the gay rights movement. She focuses on family values and economic empowerment but hates stay-at-home moms. She grew up poor but now loves Prada. She attended Brigham Young University on scholarship but then left the LDS church. She is fun-loving and quirky, except when she’s a shrew.
But how much are some of these really examples of “flip-flopping”? Sinema’s change in demeanor in her career as an Arizona state legislator sounds like a natural progression for an idealistic person when they first enter office: coming in with all guns blazing until they realize, hey, I actually have to work with these people. And Sinema’s supposedly treacherous approach in her 2006 campaign against a statewide gay marriage ban – the first successful effort in the country? It was arguing that the proposition “would hurt unmarried heterosexual couples because it would prevent them from participating in medical decisions for their partners.” One person’s “betrayal” here is another’s pragmatism – if Sinema had focused only on the effects on same-sex couples, she may not have won. (And it generally doesn’t make sense for gay rights groups to chastise a bisexual politician for not being committed enough to the issue over this, considering how often they give the benefit of the doubt to straight Democrats who are opposed to or neutral on marriage equality.)
What’s particular odd, though, is the way Roig-Franzia makes her conversion from Mormon to non-religious out to be a form of “flip-flopping” – like questioning and later rejecting parents’ religious beliefs isn’t something that young adults of all sexual orientations have done for years, for reasons that often had nothing to do with politics or sexual orientation (although it seems particularly unsurprising that a queer person would have found distance from the LDS church, and in fact makes a lot of sense given Sinema’s identity). And then he mentions how “somewhere along the way… Sinema came to identify as bisexual,” as though it was a choice she made on a general tack to the left. Even her sexual orientation, the thing that makes her so flip-floppy in the first place, must itself be a flip-flop!
via Associated Press
Roig-Franzia is grasping at straws in order to make Sinema out to be a bisexual stereotype, turning the natural changes that most people go through during their lives/careers into “flip-flops.” With the exception of her obvious joke about being a “Prada socialist,” nothing the article describes about Sinema seems particularly contradictory.
What’s perhaps even more regrettable than all the misogyny and biphobia in the article is the fact that Sinema does have, as the headline puts it, “a success story like nobody else’s” – but Roig-Franzia isn’t telling that story. There is a more interesting narrative that someone could detail with Sinema: how one goes from a devout Mormon family and a Brigham Young student, to a pro-choice Democratic politician who is open about her bisexuality and lack of religious belief. (Roig-Franzia touches on her upbringing, but never goes into the story behind her change of heart, or how that upbringing impacts who she is today.) Or how Sinema’s success in the land of Jan Brewer and AZ SB 1070 shows that Arizona’s political landscape is perhaps more complicated than the media makes it out to be.
Or why not just talk about how she won such a close election? Clearly, Sinema’s constituents saw something more in her than just a historic demographic choice, or she wouldn’t have won. What does that say about Roig-Franzia that he refuses to see anything else?
Oh Gay Cupid! True Life: I’m an Equal Opportunity Makeout Artist
Welcome to Oh Gay Cupid! Autostraddle’s OkCupid series. We get lots of questions on Formspring regarding online dating, so we finally got a bunch of people together to talk about it. While OkCupid isn’t the only online dating site for queers, and maybe isn’t even the best, it does seem to be the one we use most often. We’ll be discussing all things OkC, including meeting friends, first dates, profiles, fuck-ups, letdowns and more. Even though it’s the ‘OkCupid Series,’ the advice given in this series could easily be applied to any online dating site.
Oh Gay Cupid! illustrations by Rory Midhani
When filling out my OKCupid profile, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking for. I knew that I was painfully shy about meeting strangers, and that I wanted to force myself to step outside my comfort zone a little bit. I chose “bisexual” as my sexual orientation because there were only three options, and that was the closest I could come to describing my personal preference. Although from time to time the pendulum swings one direction or another, I am generally open to meeting people of any gender, as long as they’re intelligent and respectful. I made sure to note as much in my profile. To be perfectly clear, I don’t necessarily subscribe to the notion that gender is binary, nor have I found that the plethora of terms used to describe someone with my predilections — “bisexual,” “pansexual,” “gender-blind,” even the catch-all “queer” — ever really felt like words that fit me perfectly. Still, I was shy and single and in the market to go out for a series of awkward drinks with foxy strangers, so I clicked the box that made the most sense and moved on with my life.
As far as online dating sites, OKCupid is absolutely the most bi-friendly of the major leaguers in terms of how you’re allowed to define yourself. Most of the bigger sites disappointingly will only allow users to list themselves as seeking exclusively men or women, which can be inconvenient, insulting and annoying (Seriously JDate, my Jewish grandmother is VERY disappointed in you). Certainly, OKCupid’s users identify all over the map in terms of gender identity and sexual orientation, but it’s refreshing to have a recognizable space between gay and straight to even exist in. I can’t believe it’s taken this long for ONE site to offer this simple option.
this looks like not a big deal but it feels like SUCH a big deal you guys.
So what does it mean to list yourself as bisexual on OKCupid? Well, for starters you’re probably going to get a lot of messages from creepy dudes who think you’re some kind of novelty, and that messaging your craaaaazy, free-spirited self is the first step to writing their very own letter to Penthouse. As flattering as it is to be fetishized by random creepsters (read: not very), those messages are easy to weed out and ignore. Also, if this gets to be too much it’s totally possible to change your OKC settings so you can hide your profile from straight people.
According to this very strange article on OKTrends from 2010, although about 12% of women under 35 on OKCupid were listed as bisexual, a surprisingly small percentage of those women were actively messaging both men and women on the site. As it turns out, roughly 80% of surveyed users messaged either men or women exclusively. The slightly confusing graph below seems to suggest that younger bisexual-identifying women are more likely to approach both men and women, although this behaviour appears to decline with age. OKTrends theorized that this data seems to suggest that bisexuality is a farce — “that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their (straight) matches.” This conclusion rests under the assumption that all people listed as bisexual on OKCupid are seeking partners based on an equal attraction to both men and women, which is certainly not accurate — this is why the Kinsey scale exists. OKTrends’ logic seems problematic at best. Although the data presented is surprising, the very limiting vocabulary available to describe one’s sexual fluidity on OKCupid makes it difficult to gauge any sort of accuracy.
Personally, I was on the site because I’d found flipping through profiles far less daunting than meeting strangers at a bar. I know what my type is up to a certain point, but I’m absolutely terrible at approaching people in person (sober). I messaged with and even dated a couple of guys off the site, but had great difficulty finding someone with whom I felt a real connection (true story: I broke things off with a very sweet, well-read graphic designer because after a couple of weeks it was painfully obvious that the only thing we truly had in common was a mutual affection for The Muppets Take Manhattan). I can’t say I went in looking for one particular gender over another, but I did have a much easier time finding girls who seemed up my alley.
Over the years, I’ve maintained a love-hate relationship with my OKCupid profile, periodically abandoning it when I was in a monogamous relationship or felt overwhelmed by meeting strangers off the internet. Sometimes it can be difficult to gauge the chemistry you’ll have with another person just by reading a list of their favourite foods and movies. That said, I was met time and time again with messages from a specific set of people I knew for a fact I was not looking for: couples.
First of all, I’m 100% super OK with threesomes or even triad relationships — they can be fun. I’ve done both a couple of times and can honestly say that when they were good they were the most lovely, but when they were bad, were volatile and dangerous. While I applaud those who are able to make these kinds of arrangements work, I’ve decided after a LOT of crying/feelings/therapy that this is something I personally no longer wish to pursue. I said as much at the bottom of my profile — “For the last fucking time, my sexual orientation doesn’t mean I want to be your ‘third.'” This has not stopped countless variations on HotCoupleForU69 sending me messages about how such-and-such’s girlfriend thinks I’m cute and would I like to come over for a bottle of wine sometime? This weirds me out every time, especially because these people I am allegedly meant to be connecting with in one way or another have obviously NOT taken the time to read my profile to see what I am emphatically NOT comfortable with. From what I’ve heard from friends, this is super-common for all women listed as bisexual across the board, which is a strange and sort of uncomfortable phenomenon.
There’s certainly a stigma surrounding bisexual and otherwise-inclined women within the lesbian community, though I can’t say that I’ve experienced it myself with regards to online dating. Unfortunately, being an equal opportunity makeout artist comes with a lot of upsetting misconceptions – that we’re faking it for attention, that we’re really gay or straight and just haven’t chosen a side yet, that we’re slutty, that we’re incapable of monogamy, that we’ll inevitably leave our girlfriend for a boy or vice versa, that we are all insatiable, greedy, sex-crazed lunatics. As far as I can tell, the easiest way to disprove that notion is to… just not be that. And I mean, if you are one or all of those things, do your partner(s) a favor and be mega-up front about it.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” column exists for individual queer people to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
Coming Out As An Amorphous Weirdo
I was 22 years old when I kissed a girl for the first time. She and I liked all the same electroclash bands, and the tattoo on the back of her arm said “calm down” in Russian. She was engaged to a boy. We were out dancing at Don Hill’s with her fiancé one April night, the three of us giddy and drunk on rum and cokes, and I was having a perfectly lovely time until I blacked out. When I came to, she and I were furiously making out, stumbling around, slamming each other back against the wall of the sound booth, both grinning. I was taken completely by surprise, but I was told later that I’d initiated the whole thing.
When that relationship spectacularly imploded several months later, I was an absolute wreck, as I’m told many girls are. I promised myself that it was a one-time experiment, that it had something to do with that specific girl, that specific time. I told myself all the lies I needed to reconcile what had just happened with my life, which until that point had been certainly always open, but very much straight. It wasn’t until I kissed the second girl that even my therapist at the time laughed at me and told me maybe it was time to accept that my sexuality was not as cut-and-dry as I’d always imagined.
It was confusing to start confronting my orientation as an adult, as I’m sure it is for many other late bloomers, but I was doubly confounded because these revelations did nothing to help me achieve any sort of clarity. From what I’d heard, this was the sort of thing I should have figured out during puberty, or (as the cliche goes) at the very least experimented with in college. I was fairly certain I was still attracted to boys, but my eyes had been opened to a whole new world of possibilities. At the same time, the terms I’d heard (“bisexual,” “pansexual,” whathaveyou) did nothing for me, and I felt like none of these things directly applied to me. Sometimes I’d look at my friends who were just straight or just gay, or hear people on this very website confidently talking about how they’d known they were gay since they were little kids, and tried to imagine being so certain about anything. (While also recognizing that such absolute knowledge of one’s absolute gayness came with its own set of terrifying consequences and privilege loss.)
On top of this, I wasn’t sure about coming out to my parents. I knew enough about their political affiliations that they wouldn’t mind at all and that they would be supportive, and I knew not to take that for granted, but I also knew that it would irrevocably change our relationship and the way they looked at me, their only daughter. Despite knowing it wouldn’t be any sort of dealbreaker, I was terrified to take that step. I decided that until I found myself in a relationship significant enough that it warranted such a discussion, I would keep my identity crisis to myself. My family and I had never really talked about my relationships in depth before, so they didn’t seem to notice when I took my personal life out of our conversations entirely and began speaking in genderless pronouns. For them, life continued as it always had. All the same, keeping that secret troubled me in ways I was unaware of until years later, when the weight of it started to become extremely painful.
I justified my silence to myself in all sorts of ways. When you come out to your friends and family as gay, that’s it – you’re just gay – everybody knows what that means (more or less) and what they can expect from your relationships in the future. With this, I faced an uphill battle. Every relationship I’d ever be in would be met with a certain level of criticism, and the gender presentation of all of my past and future partners would be analyzed as some sort of clue to my real orientation. With no terminology to describe my feelings and no self confidence to back up my choices, I shut down. I didn’t know what to say. Despite in-between sexuality being a relatively widespread phenomenon (hello, Kinsey scale), society is still largely convinced that such a thing cannot possibly exist, that it’s either a stepping stone on the way to lesbian land or a weird experiment. This was always incredibly hurtful, and as a result I never felt like I belonged to any specific community. I saw myself as too gay to identify completely with my straight friends, but I didn’t feel gay enough to party with the lesbians. At different times, I would be more attracted to a person of one gender over another, and I found some friends’ surprised reactions disheartening. It was around this time that Autostraddle was beginning, and while I was excited to embrace the opportunities I knew the website would provide, in my heart I felt a strange distance from the other girls. I wasn’t sure the readers would accept me because I felt so different, and in the end this self-fulfilling prophecy contributed to my decision to drop off the team fairly early in the game.
Then of course came the inevitable girlfriend and the relationship that changed everything about my life. It was my first relationship where we were not only 100% healthily in love with each other, we were talking about major life plans and where we wanted to live and the scope of what we wanted to do with our entire lives together. I was planning a cross-country move based around her grad school calendar, changing the entire trajectory of my career because of Love and Compromise and other mature things. When that relationship ended (and oh girl, it ended BADLY), I found myself devastated in a way I’d never been before, mourning not only the loss of the girl but the life we thought we’d share.
Obviously I was a weepy mess, trapped alone in my dark cave of a bedroom with my Fiona Apple records and my feelings, and nothing anyone could say or do could fix me. A very patient friend compiled a list of resources I might look into for counseling, and the one that made the most sense to me was the program at my local LGBTQ center. This was a huge deal; I’d never taken advantage of resources for the LGTBQ community because of some self-loathing notion that I didn’t belong and it wouldn’t be for me. At this point, I was in fairly desperate need of help and could not wait to navigate the nightmare that is this country’s mental health system when you’re a person without health insurance, so I sucked up all my moot feelings of alienation and just made the call.
stef on a tree at camp autostraddle
It was so simple and obvious: I called, I told them I needed an appointment, and they gave me one. I didn’t have to prove that I was “gay enough,” I just had to pay for my sliding-scale sessions. My counselor and I had seven short sessions together, and in that limited time she was able to help me put things in perspective. I couldn’t fix my relationship, but I could fix the state of my life. She wondered if I might feel a sense of relief if I opened up to my family, and at long last I found myself in a place where I was ready to agree with her.
The actual discussion with my mom and dad was anticlimactic, just as I had known it would be. I took a huge breath, closed my eyes and explained that for the last six years I’d been dating both boys and girls, that I wasn’t attracted to any one gender, that it had been confusing and that I was sorry for keeping such a large part of my life so hidden. They shrugged – “That’s all?” I suppose it helped put the last six years into some sort of perspective, but they mostly seemed relieved it hadn’t been anything more major. I recognize that I am very fortunate to have parents who are so open-minded. I can’t say that telling my parents instantly fixed anything, but it did open the door to being more honest and open, and being able to tell them about Autostraddle and how proud I am of the work we’re doing with A Camp has been refreshingly lovely.
Since then, I admit that I have still picked and chosen which relatives I will share this information with, which has less to do with confusion or shame and more to do with keeping some of my personal life personal. A lot of my extended family’s idea of what a successful life for me would look like is wrapped up in the idea that I’ll meet and marry a very rich Jewish man, stop working and start having babies somewhere in the suburbs. Sexual orientation notwithstanding, this has never been an idea that appealed to me, and has never been a realistic plan for my life. I’m open about my life to those I feel close to, but no longer feel panicked or pressured to justify myself the way I did in those early years.
Why was telling my parents so important? In part, I knew that our relationship was suffering from my lack of honesty, whether they were aware of it or not. Mostly, it was a matter of saying these things out loud to two people who’d known me literally since I was born, accepting it as a fact of my life and moving on. I had gradually become comfortable with being out to friends and coworkers as a matter of course, but to admit my status to the people who’d actually brought me into the world made the situation feel legitimate and real. A lot of this came from the Autostraddle readership, from meeting people in 3D at A Camp who were going through similar things and realizing that this community was inclusive enough to accept even weirdos like me. At times, not having the exact words to define what I am and am not has still felt like a struggle, but I no longer feel like those labels are necessary. I’m comfortable with the idea of answering questions when they arise, but at this stage of the game, I’m just trying to figure out who and what makes me happy and go with that — You Do You, natch.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
From Sailor Moon to Yaoi Fangirls: Gender and Sexuality at Otakon 2012
As a kid, I obsessed over the likes of Sailor Moon, Pokemon and Digimon like everyone else my age. As a college student, revisiting my former Sailor Moon nostalgia and exploring some yuri (lesbian-themed) series helped me in coming to terms with my bisexuality and the idea of having a relationship with another girl. Despite all this, I’ve never considered myself a big fan, or “otaku” (the Japanese term for huge fans of anime, manga and video games, which Western lovers of the medium have more than embraced). No matter how many hours I spend training and trading Pokemon on my Game Boy, no matter how many TV Tropes edits I’ve made on Puella Magi Madoka Magica or Fullmetal Alchemist, I’ve always been put off by some parts of the otaku (and larger, geek/nerd) subculture, particularly some of the parts that are less women and LGBT-friendly. But with my first convention visit last month, to Baltimore’s Otakon, I think my opinion of that is starting to change.
Me (second from left) with friends at the con after the brony meetup on Saturday.
Otakon is the U.S.’s second largest anime convention (after LA’s AnimeExpo) and the largest on the East Coast, and I figured that my four years living in Baltimore were not complete without at least one visit. As it turned out, Otakon is a pretty good choice for a first convention: there is never a dull moment with panels on just about everything Japan-related you could imagine, from popular to lesser-known series’, from fan parodies to Japanese cooking to video game music to cosplay tips. And despite the actual convention’s fairly strictly East Asian focus, there were also fan-organized meet-ups for various kinds of non-anime geeks, like bronies, Nerdfighters and Homestuck fans. But for the sake of this article, I’ll mostly be summarizing my two favorite panels: “Sexism in Anime and Fandom” and “Navigating LGBT/Queer Identities and Issues within Japanese Media and Cultural Appreciation,” which spoke to me the most as a feminist, queer anime fan.
Disclaimer: Personally, I’m by no means an expert myself in gender or sexuality in Japanese culture or anime, or its differences from American culture in those respects; I’m just reporting on what I learned and the notes I took from the panels, as well as my own observations as a white American anime fan.
Group Pokemon cosplay!
Sexism in Anime and Fandom
This Saturday afternoon panel was run by Lauren Rae Orsini, of The Daily Dot and Otaku Journalist, and Patrick Taylor, of Anime-Planet. It could be roughly divided into two sections: the first dealt with sexism in anime, manga and video games themselves, and the second dealt with it in the larger geek culture, including convention culture and cosplay. The slides are available via Patrick’s tumblr!
One of the major issues that was discussed with regard to anime itself was the issue of fanservice, a term that originated in the anime fandom for depictions of characters (usually women) in sexy outfits or poses purely for the sake of drawing in titillated viewers. Obviously, this trope is far from exclusive to anime, but the medium is particularly notable for it, due to the often over-the-top, unrealistic heights (link NSFW) it can take. Of course, anime also has a higher-than-usual amount of male fanservice; whole genres, such as yaoi (anime/manga featuring gay male relationships that are usually aimed at women), are built on it. But as the panel pointed out is that, while male “fanservice” characters are allowed to have well-developed personalities, but female “fanservice” characters are needed to be “accessible” in their personalities. Men can be eye candy but also be actualized as characters; women are eye candy first and foremost.
There was also a lot of discussion on the portrayal of “geek girls” in anime. One thing they noted is how geek girls in anime/manga “are the closest to relatable for female fans, but aren’t there for them.” Nearly all of them enjoy showing off their bodies, which isn’t a bad thing, but when sexualization is the only depiction, it’s sending the message to male otaku that girls watch anime and go to conventions for them. This was related to the way that girls are often forced to prove that their geeky interests are legitimate (especially if they are sexually-attractive) and that they’re not just “followers” in a way that male geeks often don’t have to. This is hardly exclusive to geek culture, but there does seem to be this particularly strong fear by some male geeks of non-geek girls “infiltrating” their spaces and “tricking” them, or something. Particularly “sexy” girls: hence the controversy, mentioned at the panel, over the former Miss USA identifying herself as a geek because of her love of history and Star Wars, as though the fact that she was in a beauty pageant means she can’t possibly be allowed to use the label.
Humanized cosplay of Photo Finish from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic from the Saturday brony meetup
Another way in which sexism manifests itself in geek culture that was presented was through cosplay at conventions. In a survey the panelists took of 97 anime-convention-goers, 63% of female-identified cosplayers reported being harassed in some form while in cosplay, while only 43% of male-identified cosplayers did. And “nearly all respondents said they didn’t report the harassment for fear of not being taken seriously by staff.” The harassment that women faced was usually based on appearance – either being ogled if they were perceived as sexy, or told that they “should wear something else” if they were seen as not sexy enough for the character they were portraying. One girl remarked that she was surprised how much of the policing of “not sexy enough for that character” comes from other women. Others discussed how some “you shouldn’t play that character” comments also come from racism, despite the fact that black and Hispanic anime fans often have a limited number of characters of their races who they can cosplay. One person brought up the way that fans often put down Muslim women who incorporate their hijab into their costumes. Despite all this, though, most fans in the survey presented described conventions as “safe and welcoming” and thought that the anime fan community was a self-aware one in regard to the various issues with it.
Though it’s covered more in the next panel I’ll be discussing, there were also some points made about gender-ambiguous characters. While they noted that gender is often treated “as a performance” more often in anime than other forms of media, the transphobic notion that “gender-bending” characters are “traps” is still unfortunately common, both in the media itself and in the fandom’s reactions to such characters.
One girl presented that she thought that anime/manga was often sexist in terms of what it saw as “boys’ series” (“shonen”) vs. “girls’ series” (“shoujo”). While stuff that falls under the “shonen” genre encompasses a wide variety of genres and themes, from action-and-adventure to sports to fantasy to historical (take this image from the popular Shonen Jump magazine as an example), the stuff that is categorized under “shoujo” tends to mostly fall under slice-of-life/romance, or magical girls like Sailor Moon. While I thought this was a bit simplistic, the lack of variety in shoujo compared to shonen was something I found off-putting about manga after my initial interest in it as a teen. It felt kind of insulting that as a woman, it would be assumed that I would only be interested in either romance and everyday school situations, or girly fantastical superheroes, while the boys got so much more variety aimed at them. But the panelists suggested that a lot of this had to do with the kinds of shoujo that got picked up for publishing/airing in the U.S., and that as fans we could demand more variety by looking for stuff “on the margins” that reflects our interests better and making it known to the big anime/manga distribution companies.
What was really great about the panel, to me, is that Lauren and Patrick didn’t just leave us with identifying problems, but also solutions. Particularly, they gave the panel-goers tips for what to do when witnessing harassment, whether at conventions, in online gaming or anywhere else, which is that: silence often looks like agreement, and you can’t assume that someone being a jerk knows that he’s being a jerk. We need to shame sexist behavior and make it clear when we are offended, even if we think the other person might be “joking.”
Cosplay of Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender
Next: LGBT PANEL
In Which This Queer Sex Blogger Feels Up New York Magazine’s “Sex Issue”
This week New York Magazine printed an issue dedicated entirely to boning. Did you know? And guess what? It’s not entirely about heterosexuals in missionary position — there are so many more perspectives than that. And my guess is that the New York Magazine Sex Issue will give you feelings, because it gave me feelings.
via New York Magazine
It was odd, reading these articles. There is so much right with them — the article “He & He & He“, for example, spotlights the work and home life of Benny, Jason and Adrian, a “throuple,” or three men in a polyamorous relationship. They collectively own and run Cockyboys, a gay porn company, and otherwise do very “normal” things, like crochet and raise dogs and collect art. The article does such a fantastic job of presenting three well-rounded human beings that work in the sex industry and really normalizes polyamory: Paper’s Drew Elliot is quoted as saying “It’s amazing. It’s modern. There’s nothing sensational about them — the relationship isn’t theater. It just works.”
They also acknowledge that bisexuals exist. That’s something they totally did right. This is not a publication that participates in bisexual erasure:
I told my dad first. When I said I was dating a woman, he said, “Oh, so you’re a lesbian.” I said no. Then he kind of wiggled his hand and said, “So you’re kind of like this, huh?” He understood.
Or the adorable photos of young couples kissing by Richard Kern. They’re just cute, and one of the couples is gay (and also effing adorbs.)
via New York Magazine
So why was it odd, if there was just so much right? Reading along, having lots of sex-positive feelings, and then WHAM. Problematic statement. There’s the jarring gender essentialism:
Sometimes, if I’m with a man, I’ll miss the emotional connection and nurturing that I’ve found women are more likely to offer. Or if I’m with a woman, I can miss the way a man can take charge. –from Bisexual Testimonials
The slightly strange use of a trans* identity in comparing masculine and feminine aspects of a cisgender man:
Dressed in a formal shirt and suspenders, he is as two-dimensionally thin and neatly pressed as an envelope. “I wouldn’t be shocked if I learned that he was the world’s most convincing female-to-male transsexual,” Boardman says. –from He & He & He
The idea that the world and societal norms are default heterosexual and that any deviation is purely imitation:
Surrounded by couples (lesbians and gays getting married and having children, imitating, ironically, all these years later, their straight brethren), she is mostly comfortable still reveling in the chase. –from Sex: The Multiplicity of Desire
Or the entire “Married Sex” article, in which the couple is at best constantly thwarted when they try to have sex, or at worst just not that into each other. That one’s less problematic and more a bit of a bummer.
Despite the gender essentialism, the occasional sex worker negativity and misogyny, and even this bizarre conflation of butch, stone and trans* identities that Sex: The Multiplicity of Desire takes part in, it’s a wonderful read filled with quite a few different examples of people, lives and perspectives. Fascinating. And it’s worth noting that a lot of the problematic statements come from those who are interviewed, and not necessarily from the journalists themselves.
via New York Magazine
Sex is a difficult thing to write about because there are about as many facets to sex and sexuality as there are people on the planet. More even, because human beings can be capable of changing their sexuality and sexual proclivities as often as they change their underwear. No one article can encompass sex and all the perspectives on it. Not even a collection of articles as well-chosen and well-written as this one can do it. Most people make problematic statements about sex because their views are based entirely on personal experience — at what other point do you really get to experience someone else’s sex? That’s why mainstream publications need to be doing what New York Magazine is doing: collecting experiences so that there isn’t one authority out there and making them publicly available to incite discussion. Sex makes up a good deal of our lives — let’s start talking about it. Writing about it. Having real discussions about sex. In U.S. culture, sex is often looked at as worse than violence on the shame-scale. Talking about sex, all different kinds of sex, removes the shame and allows us to move past these often problematic attitudes surrounding pleasure. The very presence of this publication lets us find our own reflections in the experiences of others and provokes conversation about a commonly taboo topic. I commend New York Magazine for even touching a topic that can be so incendiary, problems included.
Frenchie Davis Bisexual: Broadway “Idol” Has “The Voice,” A Girlfriend
Last week, singer Frenchie Davis told St.Louis Post-Dispatch that she has been in a lady-loving relationship with another lady for about a year: “I wasn’t out before the relationship, but I wasn’t in. I dated men and women, though lesbians weren’t feeling the bisexual thing. Now I’m in love with a woman I think I can be with forever.”
well i guess the cat’s out of the bag…or should i say closet?….
— Frenchie Davis (@frenchiedavis) June 21, 2012
The 33-year-old graduate of Howard University’s musical theater program was speaking to The Dispatch in anticipation of her gig at PrideFest St.Louis — one of three Pride ceremonies on her schedule last weekend. “I make my rounds,” she said. “The gay community is my most loyal fan base. Whenever an opportunity presents itself, I jump at it.”
Frenchie attested that she’s been immersed in the gay community since forever — her closest friends in college were LGBT and her favorite professor was a gay guy who took Frenchie to drag clubs: “I love the gays. I love the gay boys. They have that awesome, masculine energy, but there’s also something else going on as well.”
If you’re not already familiar with this rising star’s career, we’re here to help.
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Frenchie Davis 101
1) American Idol, Season Two
The powerhouse vocalist seemed like a shoo-in for Idol‘s final round. She wowed Randy, Simon & Paula at auditions with “And I Am Telling You…” and was unanimously voted into the semi-finals in Hollywood.
At that point, facing piles of paperwork and prospective background checks, Frenchie thought it best to come forward and let the producers know that as a 19-year-old, she’d taken some racy photographs but “that’s not the person I am [anymore].” She remembers that “we talked about it and then nothing happened.”
Until two months later, when she was told that her participation on the program would be “inappropriate.” Frenchie: “They had decided that because American Idol was a family show, that they could not have me on the show because of the pictures I had taken – though they had never seen the pictures.”
Here’s the rub: nobody on the Idol team ever even saw the photos. Not one person! The website they were posted on no longer existed. They kicked her out for being upfront and honest about a potential problem that wasn’t even a problem. Even if the pictures did exist, kicking her out over that is intensely shitty.
So when season six’s Antonella Barba was allowed to participate despite numerous “provocative photos” uncovered of her, Frenchie was like, “Really?“
Najee Ali, Project Islamic H.O.P.E. activist said: “It’s obvious that it’s a racial bias… when you have a situation where a black contestant is punished and a similar situation happens to a white contestant and there is no punishment and they’re allowed to continue on the show.” Rosie O’Donnell said on The View that she believed the discrepency was motivated by racism.
Frenchie’s take on it: “I couldn’t help but notice the difference between the manner in which she was dealt with and how I was dealt with…. I think it’s fantastic if Idol has evolved, and I think it’s fantastic she won’t have to go through what I went through four years ago … but if the rules have changed, I believe there should be something to make up for the fact that I was humiliated needlessly.”
2) Broadway
But whatever to all that as Frenchie’s had an amazing Broadway career since then. Frenchie starred in RENT on Broadway for four years. She played Effie for the Dreamgirls national tour and also appeared in the Ain’t Misbehavin’ national tour as well as European productions of Little Shop of Horrors and Jesus Christ Superstar.
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3) The Voice
Frenchie made it onto The Voice in 2011, auditioning with “I Kissed a Girl” and snagging a spot on Team Christina Aguilera. Blake Shelton, an apparently famous man who sings songs, told Frenchie she was “the most powerful singer in this competition.” She finished fifth overall. Another queer, lesbian singer Vicci Martinez, placed third.
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4) Her Voice
Frenchie is currently putting together her first album and continues touring — she’ll be at the Lexington Fairness Dinner and Cincinnati Pride next weekend after a summer peforming at a billion prides: Los Angeles Pride, Long Island Pride, Rhode Island Pride, Portland Pride Block Party, Chicago PrideFest, St.Louis Pride, Utah Pride, Santa Barbra Pride and Miami Pride.
In conclusion, we’ve got another strong, talented, beautiful woman on Team Gay. What’s especially special about all this is that somehow this news broke last week, and despite the fact that I literally spend 12 hours a day on the internet and the gay internet specifically, I missed this until today. As Entertainment Weekly promises to explain in their print issue this week, we’re entering a new area of ‘casual’ coming out situations. Who knows who else might turn up gay by the end of the summer!
You Need Help: You Like Her But She Keeps Bringing Up Boys
Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.
This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Now let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today Gaby’s gonna respond to a reader inquiry we’re gonna talk about girls who are gay until they are straight, or confusing, or something.
Issue: This girl likes you. She’s let it be known to her friends and you. Hooking up may already be happening. Every time you get to the “almost point” – sex, love, feelings, relationship – suddenly she either has a boyfriend or brings up men/boys in some way. She drops you, then comes back, then runs away again. You need help.
A: If she’s new to dating in general (perhaps because she’s young) and/or has never ever been with a same sex partner before, then here is one set of guidelines:
First, breathe. Her feelings in no way reflect anything you’ve done wrong nor should they make you feel inadequate. Shit is complicated. That’s one of the things about love and relationships with humans that will never change. This person is probably super scared about the level of attraction felt and the rush of feelings that flood their body when you enter the room. Mostly this is because you are unlike anyone they have ever met before. Who knows what Linds and SamRo went through before their love thang got going.
Fear is totally 100% okay especially when navigating new attractions and/or feelings, all of the feelings. We all know that women in this fucked up world (that I am still learning to navigate) are trained to want some knight in shining armor. We’re socialized into fantasizing about walking down a glittery aisle with the most perfect of cis male life partners waiting for us at the end of it. Maybe you never wanted anything to do with that fantasy but she probably has. It’s frightening to shift one solid heteronormative image of your life/future for even the most magical person, let alone for yourself. Her throwing up the “I still like boys” signs could be the way that she holds on to the part of herself she knows best and with which she feels most comfortable.
Now if she actually has a boyfriend and is messing around with you then she is unfortunately both a liar and a cheater. These two qualities are way more important than whether or not she’s committed to liking women. Judging liars and cheaters is not my bag, specifically because I’ve been both and shit happens. However, I know for a fact that it’s best not to engage in any kind of relationship with someone who is either of those things. They’re in some world of shit and you don’t want to be the one left to clean it up. Also, her boyfriend is probably clueless and/or awesome; the best thing you can do is step away. Step away without ultimatums. Step away with dignity and respect. Do not make it something dramatic or hateful. Tell her or write to her (totally sober) your reasons for stepping away. Express how important honesty is to you through example. Don’t allow the situation to become a back and forth “be with me” bit of plea-bargaining. When you step away, mean it. Backpedaling is for Philistines and politicians. You are better than both of those things. Also, don’t hold it against her because carrying around that energy is a waste of your awesomeness.
If the boyfriend is fake and she is constantly running back and forth to you, hug the girl tight and know that you still might have to let her go, maybe. Remember that not all relationships happen in an overnight explosion of unicorn glitter and Tegan & Sara sing-a-longs. Connections should be allowed to marinate and develop on their own; it’s ok if she needs time to figure out her feelings. You should be taking that time too. If she fesses up to not having a boyfriend and just being scared, then know that she’s a good girl and is trying her best. Don’t constantly ask if she’s figured out her whole lifelong sexuality. Don’t throw the fake boyfriend thing in her face when you argue. Be a gentleperson at all times. It’s not your job to coerce, coax or convince anyone to be a full-time lady-lover. Not ever. Not even a little bit. Also, her process is hers, and you have to find a balance between that and the way you feel. Understand her feelings without absorbing them. You have your own life stuff to deal with too. But if you both have the sweet butterflies for each other, then taking time to adjust is the most solid plan of action. If you see that she’s running away less and less, then some kind of love thing might be brewing. If the running happens for longer periods of time every time, then see above for information on the art of Stepping Away.
(I’ve respectfully stepped away from chicas in similar situations. You gotta let chicks breathe and process without being all up in their bizzness. 7 times out of 10, the ladies have come and found me and magic has been made. )
Now if she’s been in the dating world for a while and has been with women before and still throws the “I need to date/fuck/be with men” thing at you in a way that is solely to dodge you and not in a way that expresses any honest alternative sexual expression like individuals who are in open polyamorous relationships or sister-wife relationships or any other relationship in which all parties are down for all of the things, then drop that her like a bad habit. Splzat. Feel free to not leave any explanation.
After a certain point in life and level of relationship experience, a woman should ideally know what she wants and who she is or at least know better than to put her issues on you while she’s figuring it out.
hot chick + meaningful quote = yay
She shouldn’t disrespect you by projecting the opposite of what you are in your face to express something she decides she is lacking. Also, don’t assume it’s because she’s bisexual that she’s treating you this way. Assume that she kinda sucks. From my understanding, bisexual women are honest about their needs and are with a person based on who they are not what they’ve got in their pants. (S/N – here’s a little Anna Paquin on her bisexuality.) Lesbians should never be afraid to date badass bisexual ladies, polyamorous ones and women who are involved in relationships outside of your comfort zone or expertise. Be afraid to pursue a woman who uses aspects of her sexuality to manipulate your emotions. Your affection, feelings and self should be valued and appreciated at all times by everyone in your life. If some chick can’t give you at least that, then she just isn’t worth it.
Remember, when the girl you like keeps bringing up other people or genders, she’s putting up a barrier. Your focus shouldn’t be ‘Is she straight or gay?’. Wondering about that leads to madness, drunk phone calls and other forms of hot messery. Ask yourself, is she worth getting behind the barrier and figuring out what’s really going on in her head and heart? It’s ok to stop along the way and decide it’s not emotionally safe or valuable for you to continue the relationship. It’s also ok to trudge carefully onward and find love in a very human place.
I got you and want you to feel so loved that love is the only experience you share/give/behold at all times.
~Gabby
PS- Note that this article has been altered to reflect more inclusive language because I did not have the wherewithal to check my cisgender privilege. I would like to thank Kayla for her 100% right on comment that took this piece head on with the very spirit that I believe Autostraddle encourages in all its readers.
To send your question via ASS personal messaging, choose an editor: Riese | Laneia | Rachel
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Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.
Kreayshawn Comes Out In GQ As “Bisexual, But Not That Bisexual”
This month in GQ, Kreayshawn came out as bisexual. Or something like that. The Oakland whitegirl rapper who, as a teenager, drew her name from the need to create (creation = kre-ay-shawn), first caught our attention over the summer when the video for her first single “Gucci Gucci” threw our gaydars into overdrive with her single feather earring-wearing, thick-framed glasses-sporting, denim-vest dawning swag, which, apparently was “pumping out her ovaries.”
Kreayshawn surrounds herself with a diverse crew, among them her childhood neighbor, her Filipina personal assistant and Lady Tragik, her lesbian wingman who graced GQ with such pearls of wisdom as “I’m gay and I love Jesus Christ!” and “Poop thug life!” Kreayshawn, more or less, is to be handled with the same amount of seriousness as the emotion of angst: easy to indulge in if you’re an adolescent, and after that, only appropriate to revisit only with a touch of irony. But in a lot of ways, you can’t be mad. Kreayshawn is like a lot of 22-year-olds I know. She has fun, she has no filter, she smokes blunts and she does a fair amount of shit-talking.
Snoop Dogg loves her, Azealia Banks hates her. The former has appeared on The L Word, the latter Banks recently came out as bisexual. Neither of these adds or detracts from the legitimacy of her sexuality, but her coming out in GQ is telling. The GQ writer says “Kreay told me she is bisexual, but not that bisexual.” Kreay herself says, “I’m like, a person who likes love. And I can find love in any type of person. I’ve dated girls, and I’ve liked girls. But they’re usually straight girls, so it never works out. I’m not that gay, so I don’t have the energy to convince someone else to be gay, you know?”
The mention of her sexuality in GQ is strictly parenthetical, and maybe that’s because her persona is surrounded by so much peripheral weirdness that her sexuality is just sort of an aside. Her coming out may be labeled as bisexual, but the implications of “I can find love in any sort of person” hint at something more.
Kreayshawn’s coming out — her Kreaysexuality, if you will — seems to point to a larger trend in the sexual fluidity among female rappers (but you should read Brittani’s article on “bisexuality in hip-hop” for a more thorough breakdown of how exactly this seems to play out in that context.) I promised myself never to compare any of these women, and even at this point, it’s still hard to say: Nicki Minaj announced her bisexuality and then renounced it. Azealia Banks came out as bisexual in the New York Times, but wrote it off as irrelevant to her musical persona. Kreayshawn came out as something other than hetereosexual — in a men’s magazine no less. But female rappers have been asserting their sexuality since…well, since female rap has existed. For women in hip-hop it is absolutely imperative to assert control over sexuality before someone else co-opts it for you.
presumably flipping off the haters
From “My Neck, My Back,” to Lil’ Kim bragging about making a Sprite can disappear in her mouth, women in rap have been responsible for owning and defining their sexuality, which is now more queer than it used to be. It’s not your mom’s sexuality, it’s not yesterday’s feminist’s sexuality, it’s our sexuality, and it refuses to be defined.
How seriously are we going to take Kreayshawn’s sexuality? Probably as seriously as we take Kreayshawn. It probably won’t play into any sort of esoteric discourse about the intricacies of female sexuality. It probably won’t make it into any great academic papers of our time. This of course has nothing to do with a hierarchy of various sexual orientations — whether she identified as label-free, bisexual, queer, lesbian, pansexual or anything other than straight; she would still be Kreayshawn. But it is a segue into a discussion about female sexuality, and it is a conversation that we’re always having. Are we invalidating sexuality that’s unsure of itself or that refuses to define itself or addresses itself casually? It’s something we need to think about.
When we analyze the stated sexual orientation of public figures in their teens and early 20s, we’re not always entirely fair — she’s 22, after all, and not having it figured out yet is pretty normal at that age. She doesn’t represent anyone besides herself, ultimately.
Kreayshawn came out as bisexual or something, and we’ll probably forget about it by the time 4/20 rolls around. And maybe what we have with Kreayshawn’s coming out is just another fish in our lesbian sea. Her video for “Online Fantasy” features Kreay surfing an online dating site, which somehow results in a woman clad in lingerie emerging from the screen and immediately making out with her. This is a better outcome than any OKCupid date than I can ever imagine. And while I’m tempted to light a candle and blast “Online Fantasy” in a sapphic tribute to who is apparently the newest member of our family, I probably wouldn’t be able to hear it over the sound of a thousand lesbians sending tweets her way.
Is It Right Or Okay To Talk About Whitney Houston Maybe Being Gay?
young whitney houston
The bisexual rumors that swirled around Whitney Houston for nearly three decades have been re-ignited this week following her tragic death last Saturday. On Sunday, LGBT and Human Rights activist Peter Tatchell wrote on his facebook wall that Whitney “was happiest and at her peak in the 1980s, when she was with her female partner. They were so loved up and joyful together. It’s important to tell the truth about this aspect of her life. Colluding with the cover-up of her same-sex relationship is not right.”
I had to stare at that sentence for about ten minutes, wash some dishes and come back and read that sentence again and then again and still I wasn’t really sure what to think about it.
For starters, it’s awfully bold for Tatchell to posthumously confirm a relationship Houston herself denied multiple times. There’s a case to be made that it’s never been more relevant; despite how much Hollywood loves to portray fictional bisexuals as drug addicts, when faced with an actual bisexual drug addict, nobody seems to want to talk about the way that discrimination or secrecy around sexual orientation can contribute to or complicate mental health and substance abuse issues.
Similarly, to argue that it’s unseemly to discuss her lesbian relationship at this point implies there’s something unseemly about having a lesbian relationship to begin with. Michael Musto at The Village Voice commented that “not surprisingly, the one thing that’s being left out of the vast majority of Whitney Houston obits is the L Word! But it’s hardly a dirty word… shouldn’t we acknowledge that this great singer was bisexual? And didn’t the way she always ran from the rumors contribute to her own self-defeating tendency for drama and tension?”
Today, TNT Magazine writes: “Whitney Houston binged on drugs and alcohol because she was in turmoil over secret lesbian relationships, it has been claimed.”
And The Daily Mail got in on the action: “Whitney Houston was a secret lesbian and binged on the drugs and alcohol that killed her because she was torn over living a lie, it has been claimed.”
whitney, bobby brown, whitney's mom and robyn
OurBiNation, in response to The Daily Mail piece, made this observation: “Today what bothers us most is that the word ‘bisexual’ is never mentioned in the article (How many men did Ms. Houston have to have sex with to not be gay?), and regardless of her state of mind before her death (We will never really know), if she was depressed, her mental state should shine a light on the poor quality of mental health for all bisexuals.”
And here’s what else Tatchell had to say on his facebook post: “I met Whitney and her partner at the Reach Out & Touch HIV rally in London in 1991, organised by Vernal Scott. Whitney spoke very movingly in support of people with HIV, at a time when many other stars kept their distance. She was pressured into the Bobby Brown marriage. It was a disaster. Her life started going downhill soon afterwards. Perhaps her inability to accept and express her same-sex love contributed to her substance abuse and decline? Whitney’s death is a tragic loss of a great vocal talent.”
whitney houston and robyn crawford at rehearsal in 1991 (photo by Ebony Magazine)
Before we even get into the Bobby Brown situation, let’s back up and recap the rumors for those of you uninitiated into this tale. It’s actually a sweet story, whether it’s the story of a lesbian relationship or a best friendship.
Whitney Houston met Robyn Crawford when they were both teenagers in East Orange, New Jersey, and they hit it off right away. Crawford eventually dropped out of college to work for Houston, and the two shared an apartment despite the fact that — as Tricia Romano points out — Houston, who’d already sold 13 million records, clearly could afford to live alone.
From a 1987 Time Magazine article about Whitney Houston entitled “The Prom Queen of Soul”:
At 17, Whitney completed her extended family when she met the “sister I never had.” Robyn Crawford — tall, slim, severely handsome — was 19 then; they have been nearly inseparable ever since. Four years ago Robyn dropped out of Monmouth College, where she had played basketball on scholarship, and later became Whitney’s personal assistant. They share a North Jersey flat with a view of Manhattan.
Because of their easy intimacy, the tattle mill has ground out the story that they are lovers. Both women shrug off the rumor. Says Robyn: “I tell my family, ‘You can hear anything on the streets, but if you don’t hear it from me, it’s not true.’ “
Whitney also alludes to family: “My mother taught me that when you stand in the truth and someone tells a lie about you, don’t fight it. I’m not with any man. I’m not in love. People see Robyn with me, and they draw their own conclusions. Anyway, whose business is it if you’re gay or like dogs? What others do shouldn’t matter. Let people talk. It doesn’t bother me because I know I’m not gay. I don’t care.”
I’ve seen that interview quoted at least five times this week, and it’s used as evidence that Whitney was almost unnaturally cool about the rumors, which makes her incredibly ahead of her time. But according to Karla Jay’s 1996 book Dyke Life, Houston’s publicists weren’t quite so cool about it, and they “issued nearly forty statements denying that the singer’s relationship with then longtime companion Robin Crawford was lesbian.”
In a 1991 interview with Whitney, Ebony magazine describes how as teenagers “Robyn was an All-State basketball star and Whitney was a shy, aspiring singer and favorite target of inner-city bullies.” Robyn was the outgoing one, and her friendship made Whitney feel safe. The article also addressed the rumors about their affair:
Of all the rumors, Whitney is most irked — and hurt — by allegations that she is involved in an affair with her close friend and executive assistant, Robyn Crawford. “I realize that this thing has been fueled by the fact that I’m very private with my life,” she says. “I don’t make it my business to expose my relationships; it’s hard enough just to keep one. So I figured that since people didn’t know who I was sleeping with, they just assumed I was sleeping with Robyn.”
[…] To the media she declares: “You don’t live with me every day! So how can you say that this is what I am or what I do?”
whitney with robyn
Houston also said some interesting things about what she looks for in a partner, while addressing rumors about liaisons with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall:
“Basically,” she says, “if you put Whitney Houston aside, what you’ll find is a woman. You put Eddie Murphy aside, you’ll find a man. You put Arsenio aside, you’ll find a man. All that other stuff is just the ‘gravy’ we have become. But before we were this, we were humans. People. That’s the bottom line.”
In the 90’s, there were additional lesbian rumors, this time about Whitney Houston and actress Kelly McGillis, who came out in 2009. It was rumored that Houston frequently visited McGillis in Chicago during the filming of 1991’s The Babe. McGillis has since said that she’s never even met Whitney Houston:
As for the rumor-turned-urban-legend that Kelly was involved in a three-way lovers’ spat with Jodie Foster and Whitney Houston during the filming of The Accused, Kelly laughs and crushes that with a single blow: “I’ve never met Whitney Houston. I think she’s vastly talented, but I have never met the woman.
Then Houston married Bobby Brown, which quieted the rumors about her bisexuality somewhat (despite the fact that marrying a man does nothing to discredit one’s bisexuality, but whatever) or at least jump-started a new round of rumors, this time focused on her alleged drug use and turbulent marriage. Crawford was Houston’s maid of honor, but she moved out shortly after Brown and Houston struck up their affair and “by 2000, was no longer “part of Whitney’s empire.”
Then there was this interview in 1999 about her performance at New York City’s Gay Pride, in which she makes a point of pointing out that it’s not her pride, it’s “their pride” and she’s “just there to entertain”:
In May 2000, Whitney Houston appeared on the cover of OUT Magazine, another bold statement for an actress dogged by lesbian rumors. In addition to, I hope, covering her AIDS-related organization charity work, the article dug into her sexuality again:
“That ain’t me, I know what I am, I’m a mother. I’m a woman. I’m heterosexual. Period. But I love everybody. If I was gay, I would be proud to tell you, ’cause I ain’t that kind of girl to say, “Naw, that ain’t me.” The thing that hurt me most was that they tried to pin something on me that I was not. My mother raised me to never, ever, be ashamed of what I am. But I’m not a lesbian, darling, I’m not.”
Later in the story:
“I am me, I’m a mother. I love to hear my child call me mommy. That’s what I am, not lesbian, not gay, not all the bullshit. I don’t wanna hear that. It’s over. It’s done.”
Houston’s typical defensiveness suggests, of course, that she hasn’t really moved on at all. When I tell her that I believe she’s straight, she retorts, “It’s not for you to believe me. I don’t give a shit if you believe me or not.”
After her divorce from Bobby Brown in 2007, Brown began hyping a “tell-all” biography entitled Bobby Brown: The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But, which promised to reveal the whole truth about Houston’s sexuality. An excerpt from the book was leaked to The New York Post in April 2008, which read as follows:
“I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married … I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children… The media was accusing her of having a bisexual relationship with her assistant, Robyn Crawford. Since she was the American Sweetheart and all, that didn’t go too well with her image . . . In Whitney’s situation, the only solution was to get married and have kids. That would kill all speculation, whether it was true or not. In the short, I think I got caught up in the politics and ended up marrying one of the biggest stars in the world.”
It’s a cold assessment from a man who did more to fuck up Whitney’s image than Robyn could ever dream of, and it also seems a bit unfair — while I honestly know next-to-nothing about their relationship, I’ve read a lot of Being Bobby Brown recaps on fourfour and it seems like if nothing else, she genuinely loved him, for better or for worse. It was not a farce. Besides, how the hell could Bobby Brown “clean up” Whitney’s image?
According to The Daily Beast, gossip reporters like blogger Daryl Deino continued to say that it was “common knowledge that Whitney and Robyn were together” as late as 2009: “Anybody who works in the recording industry knows about Whitney and Robyn’s relationship; they barely did anything to hide it during recording sessions.”
young whitney houston
So that’s where we were at last week. Today, Esquire published a poignant and respectful obituary for Whitney Houston written by Robyn Crawford herself, which says really lovely heartbreaking things like, “She looked like an angel. When my mother first met her, she laughed and said, “You look like an angel, but I know you’re not.” And she wasn’t. But she looked like one.” And also:
“I have never spoken about her until now. And she knew I wouldn’t. She was a loyal friend, and she knew I was never going to be disloyal to her. I was never going to betray her. Now I can’t believe that I’m never going to hug her or hear her laughter again. I loved her laughter, and that’s what I miss most, that’s what I miss already.”
So, does it matter? Is it meaningful to claim her as one of our own? Is it important to cast light on the specific mental health and substance abuse issues faced by bisexual people? Is it important relative to the complicated history between bisexual celebrities and posthumously published accounts of their allegedly bisexual lives? Is it an important chapter in the conversation about LGBT African-American celebrities specifically?
I always want things to be bigger — to find a way to make a bigger point, reach a universal conclusion, find a way to make pop culture socially relevant. If Whitney Houston had come out as a woman in a lesbian relationship she would’ve been the most famous person to have ever done so. I don’t know if there’s any way to relate to that. She’s so much bigger than anything we’ll ever understand.
FourFour said something in his brief post about Houston’s passing, referencing her drug use specifically, that seemed to perhaps be the only thing there is to say:
To think of anyone’s life as a cautionary tale is condescending (true acceptance includes flaws) and selective. Unless you are model-pretty with the best voice on the planet and have been rewarded for both with international celebrity, Whitney’s complicated story doesn’t apply to you. The best we could ever do was admire it from afar, the worst we could do is reduce it to a one-sentence moral.
5 Good Reasons to Watch ‘Lost Girl’ Tonight
Lost Girlis a television show that is popular among girls who like girls and the supernatural. In fact it is so popular that the majority of you have probably already watched an episode or ten on your Canadian television sets or by totally legal means via the internet. But for those of you who haven’t, we have good news: Lost Girl premieres in the US on the Syfy channel tonight, and we don’t want you to miss out. Here’s the gist:
“Lost Girl follows supernatural seductress, Bo (Anna Silk) as she discovers that she is one of the Fae, creatures of legend and folklore, who pass as humans but are far from it. Brought up by strict adoptive parents she didn’t know what she was – until she accidentally killed her first lover. In trying to understand her powers, she gets entangled in a love triangle between the shape-shifting detective Dyson (Kris Holdenreid) and human doctor Lauren (Zoie Palmer).”
And here’s the trailer:
Five Good Reasons to Tune In
Reason #1: Storyline
Lost Girl features a randy supernatural bisexual succubus and a hot (human) lesbian doctor. It also includes super cute sidekick and Hot Topic postergirl Kenzi, who is not mentioned above but should be ‘cause she features in almost every scene.
Reason #2: Girl-on-Girl Hotness
Bo is hot and Dr Lauren is hot and their interactions are hot. Much of the drama in this supernatural crime drama is girl-on-girl drama, which is by far the best kind when fictional characters are involved.
Reason #3: Banter
Bo and Kenzi’s half witty, half cheeseball dialogue reminds me of the Gilmore Girl’s machine gun repartee, which most of the population found insufferable but which I found totally endearing.
Kenzi: What are you doing? Do we have plans? Do I have time to get changed?
Bo: I have plans. I have a doctor’s appointment tonight.
Kenzi: In a push-up bra and sexy boots at this hour? Um newsflash, I don’t think they’re a real doctor.
Reason #4: Girls Look Good in Leather
Do you like girls who like leather? Well lucky you! The ladies of Lost Girl wear leather and tank tops almost exclusively. Every character’s wardrobe is BADASS.
Reason #5: Fearless Emotional Investment
Although the first season of Lost Girl premieres in the US this week, a third season has just been announced. This means you can wholeheartedly invest in Bo and Dr Hotpant’s relationship with little fear that they’ll be ripped from your life by television executives in the near future.
There are plenty of other reasons to tune in, but I think I’ve covered the most important ones. Are you going to watch the premiere tonight? Or are you already a card-carrying member of Team Lauren?
Krisily Kennedy Likes Girls: The Autostraddle Interview
You might recall when The Bachelor’s Krisily Kennedy caused the Lesbian Internet to explode back in late October by announcing her bisexuality in Life & Style Magazine. Riese’s coverage of this historic event, replete with award-winning graphics, caused a mini bisexual meltdown from our readers, because the word “bisexual” has that affect on the internet.
Krisily was best known for her stint on super-hetero reality show The Bachelor. She made it to the final two in 2005, and then later went on to appear in The Bachelor Pad, described by Riese as “about what happens when your girlfriend kicks a bachelor in the nose and then uses a menstrual pad to stop the bleeding.” Then, at the October 21st GLSEN Awards, Kennedy came out to the magazine, said she’d just broken up with her girlfriend of a year, and that she was open to love with people of all genders.
Here’s the thing: Krisily Kennedy is a real person with a real story and a real sexuality and why speculate when we could just talk to the source. She reached out to Riese, Riese thought it would be awesome to have an interview with her and so did I and now here we are!
Honestly, I had a kickass thirty minutes or so talking to Krisily, learning about how none other than Kate Moennig inspired her gay awakening, her friendships with The Real L Word girls, how supportive the Bachelor fans have been, and why she was so hurt by our reader comments insulting her bisexuality.
So you reached out to us to clear the air on your coming out interview that exploded on Autostraddle last month.
Well, my main concern was that everybody based their opinion of me off that one interview in Life & Style. And that one interview was not completely accurate which we all know happens so many times in the press. It had some wording that I wasn’t real happy with and that was one of things I heard a lot of people respond to. Specifically, it was the one line that claimed I said “kids were unnecessarily killing themselves.” Like I would ever think that kids could necessarily kill themselves. Totally not the wording I used, but whatever. No one called me to verify or elaborate on that supposed statement – ever. I had read other blogs that were writing about me but for some odd reason the Autostraddle article had tons of comments – and the most of any articles you had posted that week even. So I figured maybe Autostraddle would be willing to talk one-on-one with me, rather than posting a bunch of really old pictures of me which weren’t exactly recent… which was fun [laughing]. I mean some of those pictures dated back to 2002, which is hysterical. But it was fun. I took it all in fun. You can’t get mad at things like that when you are in the media in any way.
What inspired you to come out in Life & Style?
I’ve been doing red carpet since the first Bachelor Pad last summer and I’ve never in my life gone to a red carpet. I had no idea what they consisted of. When I did The Bachelor we weren’t famous and I still don’t think that we’re famous. But we do have voices and I try to use them for good once in a while. When I started doing all these interviews I started realizing that “Okay, they care what I have to say.”
I’ve always had kind of a Facebook following, but I wasn’t on Twitter. So I joined Twitter and I started seeing like “Wow. There’s 7,000 people who give a shit about what I have to say.” And to me that was really powerful. And so when I started doing the interviews I started, little by little, talking about different things. And whether it was like dog rescue or whatever. And I have been dating women for three years but that part of my life I have never talked about. I was dating men before that so I didn’t necessarily see that it was important for me to lead with my relationships. I felt that there were other things about me that were more important. And then last year ALL those kids started killing themselves. It was literally, I’ll never forget like a week where there were literally six boys. And I couldn’t believe that teenagers, at any point in their life, thought that it was that bad. Because I went through stuff. We’ve all gone through stuff and I don’t ever remember saying to myself “I’d rather be dead.” So at that point it was like, “Okay, I can come out and start talking about it or I can not.”
[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw0Ic_p3HVA’]
When did you know you were interested in girls? Were you hooking up with girls in high school?
Oh no! I was the girl in high school that would go out with a bunch of friends and my friends would make out with each other to get the boy’s attention and I’d be like, “Oh my god, you are disgusting.”
If you want to make out with a girl because you like her, go for it. Go for it. But you’re just making out with her for a guy’s attention? I honestly didn’t want any part of it and I would leave. And I was never disgusted by “gay.” I mean, my cousin is gay and I’ve always had people in my family and friends who were out. ”Gay” wasn’t something that was like a disease for us. You know what I mean? I didn’t grow up in a place that people didn’t agree with it. It just wasn’t talked about and I never, in high school or any of that, had a crush on a girl or any of those things.
So, I moved to LA five years ago. My ex-boyfriend and I got a dog. He traveled for work and I had no friends so I went to the dog park everyday. I met a girl at the dog park who turned my world upside down is the only way to describe it. Every time I saw her I wanted to throw up — in a good way. She used to make me nervous. I would sweat. I couldn’t form sentences. I had no idea who she was. It turned out, of course, that she was an L Word actress that I had never heard of because I didn’t know what The L Word was. I was a straight girl from Rhode Island.
Krisily & Oscar
Who was the girl?
Oh, who do you think? Come on. Who turns every straight girl on The L Word?
Wait. You met Kate Moennig in real life and this happened?
She used to frequent a dog park and I don’t know how comfortable she’d be with me telling people that. But she would always keep to herself and we’d sit in the corner and my dog would play with her dog. I would sit and talk to her every once in a while. And she just turned my world upside down. I was like, “Oh my god.” My best friend at the time was like “You have a girl crush.” And I was like “No way! If I was going to like girls, I would have liked girls a long time ago. This doesn’t happen at my age. You see it on Oprah. It’s not real. They’re acting.” Not that I ever didn’t think that it could happen I had just never seen it within me before. But there was definitely something…. [laughing] that I liked in her. Who doesn’t? First of all, she’s gorgeous. She’s really really nice and she’s so NOT that kind of celebrity that’s all over the place. She’s very to herself and we used to laugh about how we liked people more than dogs. I would go to the dog park EVERY day looking for her for months. But I honestly had no idea who she was until I turned on the television. [laughs]
gay yet?
So, wait a second. You became friends with her. You had no idea who she was. And then…
I wouldn’t say “friends.” We didn’t exchange phone numbers. You know what I mean. We weren’t like…I don’t have her phone number. We didn’t exchange e-mails. We would just sit and talk at the dog park. If you live in L.A. or you know anyone who lives in L.A. you know everybody who has a dog goes to the dog park. And what happens is you end up meeting dog park friends. Actually some of my best friends I’ve met from the dog park.
But how did…
She would sit in the corner by herself. And she had a little Chihuahua mix Pit thing and my dog would always go play with her dog. My dog was a considerable amount bigger so I just approached the girl in the hoodie at the table said, “Hey, listen if she gets too aggressive, just let me know. She doesn’t usually play with small dogs.” And her, she looked at me and she was like, “Well, she doesn’t like any dogs so let’s let them play.” And then we would just sit and bullshit. I mean, literally, it was nothing more than talk on a bench over dogs.
What year was this?
God. When did I move to L.A.? Four years ago?
So The L Word was still on the air.
Absolutely. Oh god, yeah. What happened the day she left to go film I had said to her, “Hey, maybe I’ll see you next week.” And her reply was, “Well, I’m going to Canada for work for a little while. Maybe when I get back.” And I absolutely think that I left my phone number on her car, but obviously she never called. [laughs]
Aww. So did you ever find her again at the dog park?
No, I don’t go to the dog park anymore because my 285 lb dog doesn’t do too well with Chihuahuas. [laughs] So we don’t go anymore and I’ve never seen her since. Actually I’m lying. I saw her one day in West Hollywood at a juice bar in line in front of me and I couldn’t form a sentence to even order my juice. It was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.
That’s so funny. That is the greatest story ever.
It IS the greatest story. Then she left to go to Canada and she walked out to her car and I remember this dog walker came up to me and she’s like “Don’t you know who that is?” And I was like, “No.” And she’s like, “Don’t you watch The L Word? You live in West Hollywood.” I was like, “I’m a straight girl from Rhode Island. What the hell is The L Word?” I then proceeded to watch every single episode within a month. [laughs]
[laughs] I’m dying.
So I called my mom. The best part was, I’m very much what you see is what you get, and I don’t think most people understand that about me. And so I called my mom instantly and was like, “I met this girl at the dog park. And her name is Kate and she makes me want to throw up.” And my mom was like, “Excuse me!” [laughs]
Oh my god. Okay, alright.
Never seen her since. You know a little dog park conversation. But I then kind of tested waters and decided maybe I think I want to do this. I had been in a relationship with a guy for a really long time, and he was my best friend. I told him this was going on and he didn’t like it. We didn’t talk for a while. So I started dating women and my first girlfriend is now my best friend. I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend, but we definitely dated. Some of my best friends… I think every lesbian is friends with their ex-girlfriends. But I’ve consistently dated both since then. So it’s been three years where I’ve consistently dated men and women.
How many serious relationships have you had with women?
Two.
You Need Help: Your Girlfriend Is Jealous Of Hypothetical Boys
Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.
This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we help you deal with a jealous girlfriend.
Q: My girlfriend is the only girl i’ve ever been with, but she seems to be concerned I’m going to leave her for a guy and that she’s not enough for me. I’ve told her so many times that she’s the only one I want. How do I convince her I don’t miss the penis?
THIS IS A MOVIE AND NOT REAL LIFE
A: Okay, so this situation sucks. It sucks for everyone. It sucks for her because she feels nervous and insecure and jealous and that’s no fun, and it really sucks for you because you feel defensive and confused and hurt because you’re being punished pre-emptively for something you haven’t done. It’s hard to be in a relationship where you feel like you can’t trust the other person’s love. It’s also really hard to have the person you love tell you, essentially, that “I think you’re totally capable of doing something deeply hurtful to me, and you just haven’t had the opportunity yet.” Because that’s what it feels like, isn’t it?
I mean, the context isn’t that uncommon. Okay, so you’ve dated men, okay, so that worries her. She’s not the first, she won’t be the last. But here’s the thing: while I don’t know your whole deal, and I guess it’s possible you met in queerio blindfolded no-questions-asked speed dating where you were only allowed to communicate via interpretive dance, but I’m guessing she knew that you’ve dated men before you two were in a relationship. Basically, she knew what she was getting into. That doesn’t mean that she’s not allowed to have insecurities; we all do. It doesn’t even mean that there isn’t a healthy way to talk about those feelings.
But bottom line, it’s unfair to enter into a committed relationship of any level of seriousness with someone if you don’t plan on trusting their commitment to it. The situation isn’t feasible in the long run; something has to give, you know?
Are her issues coming from your actual relationship or somebody else’s? Chances are good this has less to do with you than it does with something her ex did, or her ex’s ex, or even something she did once. You’re not her ex and you shouldn’t be blamed for things she did, and on the one hand you can’t ever really “convince” her of anything in that case, but just keep on being you. Sometimes people bring baggage into relationships that take a little extra time to deal with, and if this is her own personal baggage from some other relationship, then talk about that. But if her jealousy isn’t actually about you, then nothing you do is going to make it go away. I do not, personally, ascribe to the belief that the love of a good woman cures all things. (See: Jal and Chris.)
So if it’s not about your relationship or somebody else’s, then it’s about her — about her worry that “she’s not enough for you.” Find out where that’s coming from, and deal with that on its own terms. She’ll eventually have to do her own legwork to work through that issue, but open the door.
There’s a degree to which your situation is specific to bisexual/non-gold star women dating other women, in that you’re being made to shoulder the huge, evil weight that we assign to the Imaginary Awful Slutty Cheating Bisexual Girl Who Is Probably Straight Anyways. But also — and she should know this — your situation is the same one that a lot of couples, straight or gay or whatever, have to deal with. Why we have trouble trusting each other sometimes. Yes, relationships usually end, and sometimes people hurt each other, and sometimes they even leave relationships to enter into other relationships with other people. But we can’t let that stop us from loving or trusting other people, at least not if we want to be happy. It’s not unfair to want your partner in a monogamous relationship to be faithful, and to love you as much as you love them, but it is unfair to refuse to have faith in them.
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