Liquor In The Netflix: Drinks for Orange Is The New Black

Okay, I’m attending a wedding this weekend and can’t watch the new season of Orange Is The New Black until Monday PLEASE NO ONE LEAVE SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS ON THIS ARTICLE.

Ahem.

Now that’s out of the way. Hello, queermos! There is something all of us are doing today (all of us except me lalalalala) and we all know what it is. We are all watching the must see queer teevee that is Orange Is The New Black. If you are a liquor inclined human, you may want to enjoy a libation while marathoning what is likely to be the best damn show of the year. What if you had a drink that was created specifically for your favorite OINTB characters? What then?

Please Note: I tried to keep this pretty exclusively gay (though I did think about doing a “Larry,” which was just to get the saddest, plainest beer and drink it straight from the can while frowning). I also didn’t want to make drinks out of any character struggling with addiction, because that seemed really mean and unnecessary.

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Taystee + Poussey

Ugh, I know, I should be put in the stocks for my punny sense of humor. But seriously, these are two of my favorite characters because I love seeing an unconditional/strong female friendship, women of color allowed to explore their nerdy side, and of course Danielle Brooks and Samira Wiley (known fellow queermo!). They have to have a cocktail. The thing about the two of these guys is that they refuse to be sad long term — yeah, their situation is pretty shitty. But they have each other. And they’re good at Celebrity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKao7on4C9o

Celebrate their effervescence with an effervescent drink.

You will need:

• Prosecco (about 3 oz, but it’s just “to top with”)
• 1.5 oz gin (I’m using Farmers)
• Lavender (I used two palm-fulls, but follow your heart)
• 0.5 oz lemon juice
• jigger
• strainer
• muddler
• the fanciest damn glass you own, because you deserve it

First pick yourself two palmfuls of lavender from that lavender plant you’ve got hanging out in your kitchen. What’s that you say? No such plant. Lol, me neither, I totally picked one up just to make this.

I say two palmfuls because I really truly want you to follow your heart. Anyways, dump those into your cocktail shaker with 0.5 oz of freshly juiced lemon juice.

Remember to cut your citrus lengthwise! It really does net you more juice.

Once that’s in there, muddle the CRAP out of the lavender. Show your muscles! Then add the 1.5 oz gin and the ice (about half way up the shaker). Shake shake shake it up!

Grab a tea strainer and fine-strain into THE FANCIEST DAMN GLASS YOU OWN.

Top with Prosecco because sparkly. Don’t get nice Prosecco, as we’re mixing it. Get the kind of Prosecco that needs to inform you that it won the award for the packaging, and not the actual product. Get the Prosecco that just wants you to be happy.

Garnish with a lemon twist and a bit of lavender.

If you want something that’s light and tangy and sweet and fun, just like Taystee and Poussey, this is the one.

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The Screwdriver

Because duh. I didn’t invent it, I’m just a genius for putting it here.

You will need:

• 2 oz vodka (this Absolut has been hanging in my freezer and I’m so happy to use it!)
• 5 oz fresh orange juice
• a glass. Any glass.
• a sense of getting down to business

The easiest drink ever! And an excuse for me to go over to my best friend’s house and play with her juicer. I wish we’d gotten pictures of my face while using the juicer. It kinda looked like this:

Start by juicing your oranges. Screwdrivers will taste so much better if you juice fresh.

Fill your shaker half way with ice and dump 5 oz. of orange juice in there.

Throw 2 oz. of Vodka in there.

And shake it up! A note about this — many people just build a Screwdriver in a glass. I shake it up because a) I want the Screwdriver really cold, and shaking isn’t just for mixing it up, it’s for chilling it too. And b) I hate ice in orange juice. That is just not my jam. So. Shaken it is.

Strain this into a cute glass. If you don’t like pulp, grab your tea strainer and do a fine strain. But I love pulp. Love it even more than shaking. Still hate ice.

Crap, you guys, are my hands weird? I don’t really care, this drink is delicious. Garnish with an orange slice.

Show of virtual hands — how many of y’all thought I was gonna stir this with the actual literal screwdriver?

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Chocolate And Vanilla Swirl (Mojito)

Because I couldn’t help myself.

You will need:

• 2 oz light rum (I’m using Brugal)
• 0.5 oz fresh lime juice
• 8 mint leaves (I’m using chocolate mint, because lookit what I called this drink)
• 1 dash Bittermens Xocolatl Molé bitters
• 1 dash vanilla extract
• 1 demerara sugar cube
• seltzer
• shaker
• strainer
• muddler
• the lyrics to Suzanne’s “chocolate and vanilla swirl” song, which you will sing while you shake

Start by ripping approximately ten of those mint leaves and sticking them in the shaker, along with that sugar cube.

Juice your lime up and add the 0.5 oz of lime juice.

Muddle the crap out of all that! When possible, I like muddling with a liquid in there because then something retains all that fresh flavor. I also love muddling with raw sugar in the mix because it really rips apart the mint. Go ahead and add the ice (about half way up the shaker) once you’re done muddling.

Add the 2 oz. of rum.

Now for the fun bits — the vanilla and the bitters. Just a quick dash of your nice vanilla. This is the part where I evangelize like Pennsautucky: there is a lot to be said about nice vanilla. It’s a splurge purchase you won’t regret, it’s just always wonderful. Here’s my fave:

And then the mole bitters! Comes with a handy dropper. This is what a dash of these bitters looks like:

This is the time where you shake it all up. Remember the song? Okay, go.

Strain it into a cute glass (of course I’m using a jam jar, ugh, such a hipster). If you’re not sold on bits of mint in there, this is another opportunity to break out that tea strainer (it’s getting a lot of use today for you pulp haters) for a fine-strain. But if you’re like me and you can think of nothing better than flecks of minty goodness, just regular-strain it in. Top it with seltzer. Garnish with a lime slice!

Okay, so guys. What the hell puns did I miss? What cocktails are you making for this, the Friday you call out of work and day-drink/marathon the best effing show ever?

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In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

The photography in this post was done by my very best friend Bridget Sullivan, who not only did me a massive photography solid but also lent me her juicer.

Liquor On The Mountain: How To Taste Beer

Hello, queermos! Right now, I’m on a mountain with a bazillion other beautiful shining faces. And 20 of those shining faces are drinking beer with me. We’ve historically done a whiskey tasting at A-Camp, and since that was so successful we did a wine tasting last A-Camp. This time around, we’re learning how to taste craft beer with the help of a new generous sponsor, Hillcrest Brewing Company (they’re listed as Mo’s Universe on all our material, because they’ve got a bunch of different businesses including a restaurant called Gossip Grill which might have the best name ever). Hillcrest is a gay-owned brewing company with very punny names. One beer in particular stood out to me:

When I saw that, I thought to myself (in the voice I use when I’m speaking on behalf of my cats), We need dis.

So I called up Hillcrest and, being made up of gorgeous weirdo queermos themselves, they heartily agreed to a kick-butt partnership. Now we’re besties.

Anywho. Here’s how I taste beer, and how we’re tasting beer on the mountain.

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See

We won’t be drinking beer from a bottle on the mountain, no sirrreeee. Part of the enjoyment of beer is marveling at the gorgeous color, which you can’t see from inside a bottle. While we can’t have my snobby glassware on the mountain (no glass outside!), we can make sure that we’re drinking from clear cups even if they’re not the proper shape or style of glass for the beer. You, though, reader — you’re at home, so you can make sure that your glass suits your beer in a way that we roughing-it-on-the-mountain-people cannot.

This, of course, begs the question: how to we properly get the beer from the bottle into your glass? Pouring beer is, itself, an art. Let’s all watch this bearded gentleman from Chow tell us how:

You’ll notice that he’s mentioning aroma, and how a bad pour can fuck it up. That brings us to our next step —

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Swirl and Sniff

A good portion of taste, and therefore of enjoyment, is smell. Getting your nose in the glass before you sip will increase your enjoyment of beer — ya know how some people say stop and smell the roses? Well I say stop and smell the beer. And then you get the added pleasure of beer.

Before we sniff it, though, we’re going to agitate the beer. That’s when you swirl it around in the glass. It might seem like a pretentious thing to do, or you might think it really only has a place in the wine tasting world, but you’d be wrong! It actually does serve a purpose aside from signifying that you know what you’re doing, and it serves a purpose for beer too. Agitating beer brings out the aroma and let’s you smell more nuance than just this smells like beer. It also stimulates the carbonation a bit, which you’ll enjoy when you put this beer in your mouth.

Try breathing in just through your nose, just through your mouth and then through your nose and mouth while smelling your beer. You may look a little silly, but the smell changes depending and that’s kind of cool to experience.

Now it is time.

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Sip

The best part! Sip your beer, but don’t swallow immediately. Let the beer touch all the parts of your mouth and let your mouth get used to it and really experience it. Start thinking about comparisons — is the beer salty, sweet, bitter? What are those tastes similar to in the food world? What metaphors can you use to describe them that have nothing to do with taste or food? Can you write a haiku about it? A limerick? Is your beer poetry or is it a WWE wrestling match? After you’ve gone through the taste parts of it, don’t forget to talk about the mouthfeel. Literally, how it feels in your mouth. This can be a lot of fun to describe. Also, how does it finish? How did it feel to swallow and what was it like just after you swallowed? Did it have a lingering taste or sensation? All things to consider and verbalize.

You might be asking right now, “what’s the point of all of this?” Well, other than it being smashing good fun, it helps you determine what you like about beer. For instance, when it’s summer I tend to go for beers that I have described as “crisp, refreshing” in the past. If it’s really hot, I want something with an aroma I’ve taken note of as having “notes of citrus, specifically orange.” Whereas in the winter, I’m more likely to pick something with “notes of chocolate” or “feels like I’m rolling a smooth stone around in my mouth.” Articulating the taste of the beer means you not only know what beer you like, but what you like about beer. And that can help guide your choices in the future.

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Take Notes

Somehow you want to make sure you remember all this information you’re learning about beer and yourself, and the best way to do it is to write it down. So whether you’re using a plain Field Notes or something specific and guided like 33 Book Co., make sure you’re jotting things down. I’d also be a bad tech writer if I didn’t mention Untappd, an app for keeping track of your tastes and sharing them with friends. You can also learn badges like a girl scout except re: beer, and I’m a sucker for badges. You can basically check into beers like you’d check into locations on Foursquare.

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So is everyone ready? Pour yourself a proper glass properly, see, swirl, sniff and sip! Then post your observations here. I expect some kick-ass metaphor up in here.

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In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

Sober in the City: Surviving Pride Without Liquor

Feature Image via The New York Times

In a previous post, I talked a bit about my experience with redefining my queerness in sobriety. Changing my relationship with Pride was one of the first and hardest things I had to do as a sober queer. I currently have five years of sobriety and I plan on celebrating Pride in New York City dancing, singing, marching, and rejoicing all things LGBTQ… and doing it sober for the fifth consecutive year! However, getting to a place where I could enjoy Pride in sobriety was certainly a challenge; especially considering I spent my heavy drinking years (10 to be exact) at Pride face down in a bottle of vodka.

Confession: I could have been celebrating six years of sobriety this year. However, I relapsed three times during the first year that I attempted to get sober. One of those relapses happened the night before the 2008 NYC Pride parade. Good lawd, I remember it like it was yesterday. I did absolutely NOTHING that my sponsor told me to do in order to prepare for Pride full well knowing that Pride is like gay St. Paddy’s Day when it comes to alcohol and drug consumption. With only 50-something days of sobriety under my belt, I thought I’d wing it. I took some heavy drinking friends visiting from out of town to a bar. After white-knuckling it for a few hours, I downed a glass of Champagne with them because I couldn’t stand being the teetotaler in a room full of insane partying. That glass of bubbly turned into a full on bender. I recall leaving a nightclub at 8am with a DJ and my friends (I couldn’t believe the sun was out) and we all continued drinking at my place. When my friends left at 11am, I stood in my living room alone and mortified. I reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. I was sick to my stomach. I spent an obscene amount of money. (Well, obscene for my income bracket.) And, I had to make a number of embarrassing phone calls, including one to let my sober friends know that I was too hung-over to march with them in the parade and another to my sponsor to let her know that I had relapsed… again. Instead of attending the parade, I spent the day in bed alternating between crying, vomiting, and sleeping.

I really was committed to getting sober and never wanted to experience hangovers and drunken shame again. But, I was in a jam: I loved Pride and still wanted to be a part of it, however, I was afraid I could no longer enjoy the festivities anymore if I were sober. Over the years, I had convinced myself that my mind needed to be in an altered state in order to share in the spirit of the day with my fellow queers. I had to ask a hard question: Do I really have to ban myself from Pride in order to stay sober? The answer for me was “no.” While some people struggling to get and stay sober do in fact have to avoid Pride because it is too much of a trigger, others, such as myself, can find ways of changing their perspective and learn to love things about Pride other than getting f*cked up. In fact, attending Pride sober over the years has made me even more proud, more engaged, because Pride is not about getting wasted and often times the real meaning and purpose of coming together as a community is overshadowed by the debauchery (No judgment. The debauchery is fun.)

Here are some tools I employ to protect my sobriety while still allowing me to participate in all of the fun. If you’re concerned about being a sober queer at Pride this year, some of these tools may come in handy:

Pregame at a meeting

Before you head to any Pride event, attend an AA, harm-reduction, or other supportive meeting and get some love and wisdom from your sober family. Sharing at a meeting, or even just listening to what your peers have to say, can remind you of why your sobriety is important and provide you with the fierceness you need to be of service to yourself and others.

Bring a sober friend

Remember your “friend” who would hold your hair back while you threw up? Well, your sober friend will one up that by helping you avoid needing to have your hair held back as you hug a bowl full of E. coli in the first place. And, your sober friend will be on the same plane as you, so you can have meaningful shared experiences that no one who is drinking can 100% relate to. These experiences are important if one of the reasons why you drink is to feel included. You and your sober friend(s) will have your own inside jokes, your own exclusive club.

Always have a (non-alcoholic) drank

Sometimes other people are more uncomfortable about you not drinking than you actually are, a phenomenon that Megan Knash talks about in her article, “My not drinking bothers friends.” Knash states,

“I couldn’t figure out why the roommate kept bringing up my dryness that evening, but I suspect the threat of having a non-drinker in the midst is that, when folks are drinking together, everyone — except the abstainer — is going somewhere. Together. On a journey. Booze softens the edges. It massages the ache of unspoken words. It dissolves the perceived boundaries among people. When you’re sober, especially if you want to stay that way, you have to be at peace with where you are. You have to believe you’re already where you need to be.”

One way that I get people off my case about not drinking is to always have my favorite non-alcoholic drink in my hand. This makes people, who always just assume that there’s alcohol in my cup, think that I’m getting drunk with them, which is hilarious because I get to watch their drunken madness unfold.

Holding onto a drink also gives me something to do with my hands. Addicts are very ritualistic. A martini glass was my go-to ritualistic paraphernalia, so I’ll ask the bartender to pour me a cran-pineapple-seltzer in fancy stemware.

Rehearse your excuse

If you’re not out as sober, make sure you have a good excuse about why you’re not drinking for the members of the drink patrol. You know, the ones that chase you around trying to get you to take shots with them and forcing drinks down everyone’s throats all night. I usually use the “I’m on powerful antibiotics and I’ve been drinking cran-pineapple-seltzer all night” excuse.

Know your HALT

HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Any three of these can trigger a relapse. So, if one minute you’re fine and the next you’re feeling like you can just down a fifth, remember to check in with yourself and assess if you need to phone a sober friend, take a nap, or just get something to eat. When in HALT, sometimes an iced coffee works for me because I find that I get a bit tense when I’m under-caffeinated. But, be careful – caffeine can also trigger a relapse for some.

Wake up, flawless. Post up, flawless. Ridin’ round in it, flawless. Flossin’ on that, flawless.

Nails did? Weave right? Brand new bow tie? Fresh scent? Check! Pamper yourself. Step up on some next level shit. When I walk out of the house knowing I look fly, I exude confidence. And, one of the major reasons why I drank in the first place is that I lacked confidence. Add it up. Besides, I always love ending the night looking as fresh as when I started it, instead of having a crooked eye, running mascara, and broken heels. #iwokeuplikethis

Play the tape

There is a reason why you got sober. Don’t forget it by romanticizing how amazing Pride will be if you just had a few drinks. Instead of simply thinking about immediate gratification, “play the tape” until the end. Where is that one drink going to take you? Will your movie end as an uplifting story of triumph or as a horror flick with mass carnage?

Have an exit strategy

Ok, shit just got weird because you want to drink, if you stay a minute longer you will drink, you’ve stopped talking, and now you just gotta GO! But, if you run away like a bat outta hell, your friends are going to wonder, “WTF?” Someone might convince you to come back and that may result in you drinking. Or, you just may create a lot of angry, awkward, and embarrassing feelings by ditching your friends without cause. Please, have a game plan my friend. Think of an exit strategy that can quickly get you out of any situation without things getting all Twilight Zone. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I will suddenly remember that I left my curling iron on. Shit burns down in NYC. BRB. TTLY.

Remember why you’re celebrating

“Heritage of Pride hosts New York City’s Pride events in commemoration of the Stonewall Riots of 1969, the beginning of the modern Gay Rights movement. Heritage of Pride works toward a future without discrimination where all people have equal rights under the law. We do this by producing LGBT Pride events that inspire, educate, commemorate and celebrate our diverse community.” There it is. That’s the mission of NYC Pride, which I am sure is similar to the missions of other Pride events all across the world. That’s the point. Nowhere in that mission statement does it say the purpose of Pride is to get wasted. We addicts can make lots of excuses to get f*cked up. Really think about whether you’re using Pride as just another excuse.

Get involved

There are many ways to advance the actual goals of Pride in your area. Look for opportunities to volunteer, march, rally, organize, support LGBTQ artists and activist, and engage with the community in a healthy, positive manner. In fact, you don’t need to be sober to do this. Use Pride to be the change you want to see!

Liquor on the Mountain: Our Whiskey Tasting Line Up

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when we get a bunch of people at A-Camp to go in on a few bottles of whiskey and we all taste them together and talk about how great whiskey is. And, as with every tasting we do, we encourage you to follow along at home! If you drink alcohol, you should do a whiskey tasting because:

• exploring new horizons is wonderful and makes for being a great person, and whiskey tasting is all about exploration and enjoyment of said exploration.
• whiskey tastings are all about community — you get together with some of your nearest and queerest and you do a thing all at once. It’s kinda like family dinner, except you’re all grownups.
• it’s cost-effective. Whiskey is an otherwise pricey hobby and you may not be able to afford (or find) some of the tip-top bottles by yourself. Going splits with a couple of people ensures that everyone gets a taste of the good stuff even when you’re on a budget.
• you get to learn a new skill — tasting whiskey is an education and you’re going to learn a lot about the traditions of making liquor and also about what you, yourself, enjoy. You’ll learn not just about whiskey, but about yourself.

If you’re looking for jumping off points in your newly formed whiskey tasting club group thing (because I know you ran right out and formed one as soon as you polished off that unordered list above), Autostraddle has some great whiskey resources. The classic How to Drink Whiskey for example, not to mention this other whiskey tasting line up (and this one too, which tells you exactly how to taste whiskey/what you need to throw a whiskey tasting). Alex has also recommended five cost-effective whiskeys you should totally try.

Have we convinced you yet? If not, some of the fabulous whiskey that we’re putting in our mouth-holes is sure to do the talking. Here’s what we’re drinking on the mountain this time around.

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Brenne Whisky

Brenne Whisky is a French single malt aged in Cognac casks and our esteemed sponsor for the A-Camp Whiskey/Whisky Tasting May 2014. They love us (as in, they love our little weirdo queermo community), and boy do we love them. From their website:

Brenne Single Malt Whisky is full of fruit-forward and complex-sugar notes like rich creme brûlée, burnt caramel, bananas, tropical fruits and warm spices like cinnamon and clove.  Why?  Because we wanted to produce a whisky that embodies the terroir and style of the region in which it is produced: Cognac, France.  This is not trying to be a Scotch just made in a different country – this is truly a French Whisky.

Om nom nom I CANNOT WAIT. Not to mention this is a small, woman-owned business (and I am all about that conscious consumption) and they’re fairly new on the scene. You can keep up with Brenne Whisky’s happenings on their website. Their Twitter handle is @BrenneWhisky.

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Bernheim Wheat Whiskey

Bernheim claims they’re the first new style of American whiskey introduced since the end of prohibition, and I believe them because their whiskey is truly a horse of a different color. They’re the first distillery to use winter wheat as their main grain, which gives it a soft, sweat flavor and a medium finish. Kinda like swaddling yourself in clouds made of whiskey. It’s got vanilla aroma and hints of coffee and spice (while remaining fruity and fresh). This is one of those whiskeys that’s great neat or mixed into a cocktail, so it’s a very versatile addition to your collection.

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Rittenhouse Straight Rye 100 Proof

Rittenhouse is a mega versatile rye, meaning that you can enjoy it neat and in a cocktail. And, as we all know, rye is my darn favorite kind of whiskey. This has been called a must-try for anyone who loves whiskey and has been recommended by Our Lady Rachel Maddow by way of using it on air:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNurztGCCEk#t=403

This is my go-to mixing rye. Depending on how you mix it, it’s kind of a combination of both getting kicked in the teeth by and getting a bear hug from a muscular lumberjack except actually it’s a rye and everything it’s doing is 120% consensual. Highly recommend.

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Jefferson’s Reserve

A little bit about Jefferson’s as a distillery — though they are relatively new (1997), their family goes way back in whiskey. The founders’ great (times-eight) grandmother was arrested in 1799 for the production and sale of liquor. And they chose their brand figurehead, Thomas Jefferson, because they like to uphold tradition yet also push boundaries. This bourbon (their flagship bourbon) fits right in with that mission, as it is a bold and sophisticated bourbon with deep tastes that include spice and leather.

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Elijah Craig Barrel Proof Bourbon

Elijah Craig Barrel Proof Bourbon is one of the strongest bourbons on the market. That’s because of that “barrel proof”signifier, meaning it’s exactly as it comes out of the barrel when the master distiller tastes it. No chill-filtering, which is said to alter the taste of whiskey (and only for cosmetic reasons). It’s as close as we’re gonna get to tasting it out of the barrel — any closer, and we’d have to be standing right next to great master whiskey as he’s actually tasting it. This has notes of butterscotch, vanilla and black pepper.

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And Here’s The Finish — 33 Books Co.

Usually on the mountain, we just talk about the whiskey. Some people take notes. This time, though, we’ll all be taking notes because 33 Books Co. sent us some amazing mini-journals that will allow us to record our thought for each taste (and many more after). Check it:

So if you want to remember thoughts you have while drinking like “feels like being hugged like a muscular lumberjack” or literally anything more traditionally related to whiskey than that, you can do it with some helpful guidance from 33 Drams of Whiskey. Fits in yr back pocket, also comes in a Scotch-specific variety and approximately one billion other kinds.

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So bring it on, queermos: what are y’all tasting at home this week in your secret whiskey societies? Have you tasted these? What are your feelings?

BPM: Maya Jane Coles and a Paloma

An installment of BPM: Booze Paired with Music. A brief exposé on artists, popular or obscure, to suit your need for beats. Along with it, a little treat to make for yourself while you bask in the sound of glory and a drink well done. As a former DJ, violinist, aca-bopper, and hip-hop dancer, I try to bring you as much variety in artists and commentary as I can. Listen on!

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Artist: Maya Jane Coles

Cliffnotes: Soft, smoky, toasty

Same Aisle As: Frank Wiedemann, Nina Kraviz, any song to any L Word sex scene ever

Not too long ago, I heard a remix of the song “Howling” by Frank Wiedemann. This song sort of sent me down the rabbit hole of navigating through basslines and wob-wobs and drum machines until I found an oasis in the desert: Maya Jane Coles.

Maya Jane Coles is a producer from the UK and has dabbled in trip-hop, hip-hop, dubstep, and deep house music. She’s been decorated with numerous awards for her remixes and original tracks since her breakthrough track “What They Say.” Since then, she’s taken the BPM down quite a bit to settle into a more sensual tone of sound.

Oh yeah, and she looks like this:

Second of all, she’s been taking the house scene by storm and has been named in Rolling Stones’ “The 25 DJs that Rule the Earth” – a list typically dominated by men. Not that Rolling Stone magazine should be taken as the be-all-end-all authority on music, but this kind of exposure has begun an avalanche of recognition that this talented producer deserves.

I’ll tell you right now that Maya’s music doesn’t lend itself very well to the power hour pre-game vibe. It does, however, go very well with a nice night drive, or a walk around a rainy city at night. I even really like listening to it at work while I code.

Her most recent album release, Comfort, has some great tracks to start off with. This is one of those albums that you can easily listen to as background music and just sort of let it immerse you in sound until you forget you’re listening to it. Kind of like a DVD menu that loops again and again, but not as annoying when you’re trying to take a nap on the couch.

https://soundcloud.com/mayajanecoles/everything-feat-karin-park

This song is SO good, isn’t it? Karin Park’s vocals blend so effortlessly into the track. It seems clear that Maya takes a lot of responsibility to create a track that will cater to the vocalist’s timbre and texture. It isn’t overpowering, but it shines out where it needs to. For example, the way that she brightens up the tone of the song during the chorus to showcase what Park is singing? GAH.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yChvm1SG7p4

This song is a cool one too. Significantly more low key, but the tremolo in the higher pitches and the twangy bassline keep the energy up. If you’re looking to seduce someone in a low-lit hookah bar, this is the song to do it to.

Maya Jane Coles produces some great music to have on in the background or tell everyone about before they catch on to her success. Yes, now you too, can be THAT friend. To pair with her tunes, we’re going with a Mezcal cocktail today. Mezcal is tequila’s earthier and spicier cousin. To account for the brightness in her songs and the rising price of limes, let’s add some grapefruit juice for a Sort-Of Paloma! Mezcal is typically drunk with no frills, so we’ll keep it simple.

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5 oz mezcal

• 1 tbsp of honey (optional)

• 3 oz of grapefruit juice

• 1 pinch of salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. (Optional) If you already know that you’re not going to like the taste of tequila, mellow it out by stirring the mezcal with a bit of honey. That helps to round out the flavor so it’s not quite as face-scrunching.

2. Add salt, mezcal, and grapefruit juice in a shaker with ice. Shake well until chilled.

3. Add ice cubes to glass of your choice and pour out the cocktail.

4. Garnish with a lemon rind, if you please.

For additional tracks by Maya Jane Coles, check out the BPM Spotify playlist. It also compiles all listed tracks of this column.

BPM

Sober in the City: Redefining My Queerness On Fire Island

Feature Image via Forbes

I’ve been queer in New York City for 15 years, and sober for the last five of those years. However, long before I jumped in a U-Haul and planted my baby dyke roots in the Big Apple, I was born, raised, and spent a good portion of my life in Any City, USA. I stayed in my hometown for undergrad and came out during college. Like many Any City, USAs across the country, my hometown, at the time when I resided there, had little to offer in the queer culture department. Other than my college’s small LGBTQ student group, which had less than 10 regular participants, there was not a single LGBTQ-specific community center, sex shop, health center, coffee shop, or museum in the entire state. But, my city was home to the state’s only gay nightclub.

I remember the first time I frequented that nightclub. I was so nervous standing outside in line. However, once I got in, I felt like I was home, like I was free to be my true self for the very first time. No hiding. No shame. There were gay men openly grinding and making out. People were dancing and singing along to disco classics. A gorgeous butch go-go dancer who looked like a young K.D. Lang swiveled her hips on top of the bar wearing nothing but a tight pair of white men’s underwear and a tank top that had been cut off to a length that barley covered her nipples. An all-drag-queen punk rock group hailing from NYC stormed the club’s tiny stage and belted out a midnight performance of “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. When they sang the song’s lyrics, “F*ck You, I Won’t Do What You Tell Me,” the audience pumped fists in the air and yelled back, “F*ck You, I Won’t Do What You Tell Me!” I was alive! That night, my queer identity was born in a bar.

I became a regular at the club and my drinking started to slowly increase. At that time, my drinking probably still could have been defined as binge drinking. But, when I binged… OH BOY, did I binge! And, after I moved to NYC, those weekend binges turned into drinking 5-7 nights a week. I came from meager beginnings, put myself through college and graduate school, held a good job, had great friends, and scored a decent NYC apartment. So, it took me some time to realize that drinking 5-7 nights a week was a problem. After all, I seemed to have it together and my friends, who were partying along with me, were more than functional — they were successful.

I was just doing what they were doing. And, we all were doing what (it seemed like) everyone else in NYC was doing. Even the women on Sex and the City (my generation’s Girls) were living the fabulous single life, going out somewhere amazing every night and guzzling Cosmos by the barrel. (By the way, Kristin Davis, aka Charlotte, is actually sober and proud.) If the straights were doing it, well then, we were not to be outdone because we were not normative; we were rebels!

The reality was that I had become another queer substance abuse statistic and there was nothing fabulous about my life. Or, at least everything that was fabulous about my life was being drowned in alcohol. I know what some of you are probably thinking: The bar scene is important to queer culture and it’s a shame that I had to abuse it, had to take it too far, right? And, I agree. The bar scene is very important to queer culture and, in my case, I had some biopsychosocial odds stacked against me that predisposed me to addiction.

But, one of those factors is being queer. According to the Pride Institute, “research suggests that alcohol abuse and dependence occurs at even higher rates [in the LGBT community] than in the mainstream population. Independent studies collectively support the estimate that alcohol abuse occurs in the LGBT community at rates up to three times that in the mainstream population. Said another way, alcohol abuse is estimated to occur in up to 45% of those in the LGBT community.” Although research has primarily focused on substance abuse among gay men, some studies reveal that lesbians and bisexual women also report higher rates of illicit drug use and heavy drinking than their heterosexual counterparts.

There are a number of factors that contribute to these higher rates, including, but not limited to, discrimination, stress, and lack of support networks. However, one factor that is often the rainbow elephant in the room is the LGBTQ community’s reliance on bars to socialize. Many LGBTQ individuals reside in areas, like my home state, where there are few opportunities to socialize with other members of the community except in bars. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration states, “Legal prohibitions against LGBT behavior and discrimination have limited LGBT people’s social outlets to bars, private homes, or clubs where alcohol and drugs often play a prominent role.” Further, The Center for American Progress points out, “targeted marketing efforts by alcohol and tobacco companies exploit the connection many gay and transgender people have to bars and clubs as safe spaces for socializing and increase easy access to tobacco products and alcohol.”

NYC provided me with more opportunities to explore my queer identity outside of bars, but by the time I had moved here, my definition of what it meant to be queer was already skewed, rooted in the notion that being queer and being blasted and fabulous were inseparable. Besides, NYC also provided even MORE venues at which to get wasted. There were so many bars, nightclubs, and parties to attend. Every night was a wonderland that was not previously available to me back home. And, even if my friends and I were going to do something outside of a bar, like go to a gay beach, gay BBQ, or gay museum, those activities were usually preceded by a fair amount of “pre-gaming” and followed by another fair amount of “post-gaming,” because that’s what badass homos do.

A decade later, I found myself occupying a seat in AA. I made wonderful friends in the program, both gay and straight, and we all struggled at some point with redefining ourselves, with finding out who we truly are. Other than partying, what did we like, what were we good at, what defined us? One area that many LGBTQ individuals, including myself, struggled with was redefining what it meant to be queer. I always felt that my queerness was integral to how I define myself in general. But, if being queer was synonymous with getting drunk, then how would I ever be able to define myself as anything other than a drunk? Was I going to have to focus less on being queer? And, if that was the case, how could I do that in a world where I am constantly reminded that I am the “other?” Also, why was my queerness so hard to define when my regional, racial, national, and generational uniqueness seemed so evident and easier to incorporate in the healthier new me?

About one year into my sobriety, I went on a day trip to Fire Island, a stunningly beautiful gay beach community in New York that is also notorious for its all day and all night parties. All of my previous experiences of Fire Island involved getting obliterated (imagine that), so I was particularly bitter about this trip. How in the world could Fire Island be fun without booze? Yeah, the beach was spectacular, but then what? I was going to be the teetotaler while everyone else sipped on vodka by the pool and twirled around fabulously to Yonce and other divas.

Before the first wave of evening parties commenced, I excused myself to attend an AA meeting on the island. I was dragging my feet all the way there.

I entered the room and was surprised to see over 100 drop-dead gorgeous queers, tanned, in their summer gear, sipping iced-coffee, laughing, smiling, greeting each other with hugs, showing mad community love. WHAT? I thought there was going to be 3 washed-up, sad faced ex-delinquents there, and instead it was a gathering of fierceness and support that is usually only seen once a year during Pride. People were nice. They came up and introduced themselves, offered phone numbers, and shared their experience, strength, and hope. They even informed me that there was a recurring women’s seaside meeting on the beach that I should check out. All of a sudden, I felt as exhilarated and reborn as the first time I entered that gay bar in my hometown.

And, it got better. When I went to some of the parties later that evening, I saw some of the folks from the AA meeting shaking it on the dance floor like everyone else. We gave each other a nod, like we belonged to some secret gay sober association. (Because we did!) I was doing everything I had always done back home, in NYC, and now in Fire Island. I just didn’t have a glass of alcohol in my hand. (I had a virgin drink, and no one was the wiser.) I was present. I was kind. My words weren’t slurred. I stayed out later, harder, better, faster, stronger. My wallet was fat with money that I hadn’t spent on liquor. I even remembered every last minute of my night the next day. No blackouts. No regrets. Heck yeah, I was queer! And, I couldn’t wait to explore more of what that meant in every aspect of my life, from the office to the bedroom. Turns out that there is queer life beyond the bottle, and it’s fabulous!

Drinking Outside the Box: 7 Box Wines Fit For Grownups

I was going to start this article, like all articles on nice box wines these days, with some semi-apologetic run-down of how box wine has come a long way baby, and is not the sad crates of alcoholic capri-sun of yesteryear, but I mean, screw that.

Box wine doesn’t need an apology. The wine world has finally wised up and started putting some really nice wines en boîte. The benefits of the box are profound and numerous. Whatever wine drinking situation you have going on, box wine has your back. Obviously its cheapness and lack of pretension make it perfect if wine is your go-to everyday drink, but since, unlike the treacherous bottle, it stays good for weeks or months; it’s also great for the occasional wine drinker.

If you are going to a party and want to bring something nice but don’t have any money, you can skip the store’s eight-dollar-est bottle and instead make some box-wine sangria or mulled wine (depending on the season) and seem like a hero. The icing on the cake: boxes are also really environmentally friendly since they save a lot of packaging and shipping weight by wrapping four bottles in one light box. So no apologies, love the box and be happy!

That said, life is too short to drink shitty wine, so here’s a list of seven wines that come in a box and are totally delicious.

What makes me qualified to advise you on wine? Well, I drink a lot of it, I read giant books on the subject, I once lived an hour from the French border, and I own several berets. So I’m pretty much a wine expert.

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The Reds

Black Box Malbec: Black Box was one of the first box wines to really turn serious oenophiles’ heads, and they’re still the gold standard IMO. They’re a little more expensive than everyone else, but they go on sale all the time, even at the infamous State Stores of Pennsylvania. I think the list price is something like $25, but I’ve never paid more than $20. Black Box also sells little wine juice boxes (which tragically do not come with little straws) of all their varieties, so you can try everything and stock up on your favorite when they go on sale. The Malbec is great if you like reds that PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE with flavor. It’s fruit-forward (especially cherry) with a little bit of smoky-leathery-chocolatey-ness at the back end, medium-bodied and just a little bit tannic. More meal-time than drink in the tub, it’s equally great with a rare steak or some rustic Italian fare.

Big House Cardinal Zin: I have this friend who buys all her wines based on how funny she thinks the name is. It sounds kooky, but it works out more often than it really seems like it should. In this case, in addition to the funny name and entertaining box illustrations, you get an easy-drinking wine that’s medium-bodied with a good balance of acids and tannins. The flavor is jammy, packed with blackberry and cherry flavor, with a good amount of spice and a hint of vanilla. It’s great with chocolate and since it already has some spice it makes a nice mulled wine come Christmas.

Big House is another company that makes reliable box wines. Their Cabernet and Unoaked Chardonnay are also top picks.

Bota Box RedVolution: Unlike the previous two brands, Bota Box is a little hit or miss. They have some really good wines and some that are just eh, so I definitely recommend getting a little wine juice box before committing to drinking 3 liters of the stuff (it’s normal to have commitment issues about your wine, right?). Anyway, their newest type, Redvolution, is a great little red. It’s light and just a little bit sweet, with a flavor that’s fruity but definitely won’t punch you in the face. It’s balance and mildness make it the ideal cooking wine, but it’s also easy drinking and pairs nicely with spicy Southwestern or Mexican dishes. Oh, and I consider myself an aficionado of unnecessary capitalization, but the RedVolution was a bit much, even for me.

Bully Hill Banty Red: This wine is my personal sponsor of those days. It’s not a technically correct wine at all, but quaffable in the extreme. It’s got a sweetness and grapey-ness that pulls off just shy of Manischewitz territory, making those traits assets rather than downfalls. This wine is just enjoyable. That’s all it’s about, and there’s something beautiful about that. Drink it in the bath while singing along to [redacted because the internet doesn’t need to know that much about me]. Be warned though, it’s so easy drinking that before you know it you’ve had a bit much and texted something really unfortunate to your ex.

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 The Whites

Badger Mountain Pure White: Remember how I said box wine is environmentally friendly? Well, Badger Mountain upped that game by using only organic wines. At about $20 for a 3 liter box, it’s certainly the cheapest organic wine out there, by a mile, so it’s nice that it actually tastes good. Pure White is a blend of about half sweet Washington Riesling and a few other light, dry wines (Chenin Blanc, Semillon, etc). Overall they create a nice balanced white that displays some genuine fancy-ass terroir, with flavours of apple, pear, and peach that remind me of summer fruit stands from my days in Tacoma.

Trader Joe’s Block White: Like you would expect from the people that brought you Two-Buck Chuck, this is both the cheapest box on the list at $10, and excellent. It’s an Australian Chardonnay (although it took me awhile to suss that out from the word collage on the box), lighter and crisper than is typical for a chardonnay, more citrus and apple than oak and butterscotch. Its delicate flavor and clean finish make it easy to drink and allow it to go with pretty much everything, but it’s at it’s best complimenting rich, creamy dishes like salmon cream cheese omelettes, white pizza, or Tollhouse cookies. I understand the Block Red is nice too, but my TJ’s never seems to have it in stock so I haven’t had a chance to try it.

Target’s Wine Cube Sauvignon Blanc: I’m kind of annoyed by the whole cube thing because it takes up more space in my fridge than other wine box configurations (the most space-saving is the skinny rectangular prism employed by Bota Box and TJ’s), but I put up with it for this wine. It’s basically just what a sauvignon blanc should be: bright, crisp, slightly grassy, and a bit lemony. It’s my go-to white cooking wine, but it’s also the perfect summer drinking-on-the-porch wine.

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Sangria

After all this talk of sangria I suppose I can’t let you go without a recipe.

You’ll need:

• 1/2 box/ 1.5 liters of red wine, something fruity and not too tannic like the Banty Red or RedVolution
• 2 Oranges (plus more for garnish if desired)
• 1 each: lemon, lime, green apple
• 1/4 cup sugar (optional)
• 1 bottle Reed’s Ginger Beer, or 1 inch piece of ginger and 12 oz. cups of club soda

1. Slice up all your citrus (and ginger if using), leaving the peel on. Roughly chop apple, and place everything in a large pitcher (about 2 qt/ltr). Add sugar, if using.

2. Pour on the wine, stir a little, and leave to soak for 12-24 hours.

3. Pull out as many of the apple pieces as you can before mentally saying “fuck it,” and reserve for garnish.

4. Take a potato masher or big wooden spoon and mash up all the fruity bits into the wine. Now, if you want to have a really fancy presentation, place a large strainer over a second pitcher and pour the sangria into it, squeezing out all the wine and juice from the fruit now trapped in the strainer. If you aren’t feeling so fancy, just skip it. No one’s going to care by the second glass.

5. Pour in the ginger beer (or club soda), and stir.

6. Serve immediately, over a bit of ice, with some more sliced oranges and reserved apple as a garnish. All you would need to adjust in order to double the recipe is an extra pitcher (or an enormous pitcher, either way), otherwise just double everything across the board.

7. To make white sangria, follow the same process, but replace the oranges with tangerines, leave out the lemon and lime, put in a peeled cut up peach and a dozen hulled, halved strawberries. Replace the ginger beer with cheap champagne (Trader Joe’s and Target have some decent ones), and garnish with sliced strawberries and whole blueberries.

Spring seems to have finally come to the East Coast (just in time for summer!) so I don’t even want to think about mulled wine or anything vaguely associated with cold weather. Why don’t you file away this great recipe from Jamie Oliver for darker days. I leave you with the wise words of Hannah Hart:

Liquor In The House: Everything You Need For A Bar At Home

Being that I often make drinks and share them with you, queermos, it may not surprise you to learn that I have a bar in my apartment.

This is my bar:

I would like to tell you I built it myself, but I very much did not. It’s this bar right here and I needed one other queermo to help me put it together.

Now I know what you’re thinking, I can feel it through my screen — stocking a bar in your home is a pricey hobby. Here are all the reasons I find it to be a good idea anyway:

• It’s actually a cost effective option, if you think about it! Going out to bar in my area means at least one drink priced anywhere from $8-$15, depending on what I order and where. If I purchase a bottle of tequila, that’s two and a half of the expensive drinks out at a bar. Plus many bars aren’t my scene — I’m more of a Speakeasy kinda gal, and that means the drinks are always on the pricier side. I just like to speak easy, ya know? Which brings me to my next point —
• Entertaining becomes more entertaining. Abby and I love having our friends over for dinner, and being able to mix fun drinks makes that even more fun. You can create the kind of environment you wish you had going out — quiet enough to talk, fancier drinks at a low price, specialized theme menus (we just did a “brunch at night” dinner party. Next up, we think, is vegetarian taco party). And by the way —
• Having a bar makes me feel like an adult, even if much of the time I question whether or not I am. I’m super serious. And I don’t actually think it has to do with a bar or alcohol: I think it’s the ability to host guests with a personal flair. I imagine it’s the same kind of feeling as having a tea box with, like, options (a thing I do not have) or always having an air mattress ready in case your friends need you (something I do have!). So I definitely don’t equate booze with adulthood, but I do equate taking care of your friends in your house/creating a home environment that you love with adulthood. I’m also in that weird in-between-place where I’m an adult and I do adult things and have an adult career and a girlfriend and bills and cats, but I still look around sometimes and think “where is my adult supervision? Who is giving me permission to do [whatever it is that I’m doing]?” Which brings me to my final point about why having a home bar is awesome—
• Mixing drinks makes me feel like I’m studying at Potions at Hogwarts. Except without the threat of death by dark wizards. I get to discover new flavor combinations and search for pre-prohibition favorites to play with. And that’s a ton of fun!

So without further ado, I give you the Autostraddle-generated guide to stocking your fabulous home bar. And it will be fabulous because it’s yours.

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The Basic Bar

Here’s what you need to get started and make the popular classics.

Equipment

A Shaker

One shakes drinks when they contain fruit juice, cream and eggs because it introduces little bubbles and makes things light and airy. Never shake carbonated things, that would be bad/messy. Shakers come in three varieties: a Boston, Cobbler and Parisian. A Boston shaker is two pieces consisting of a large metal tumbler and a smaller, separate vessel made out of either glass or metal that you bang into the top. A Cobbler shaker is a tumbler with a cap and built in strainer. A Parisian shaker is the nifty hybrid of those two, minus the strainer. My very favorite type is the Boston Shaker, but you may recall that I broke mine (by shooting my pint glass across my kitchen by accident while trying to put a silicone bumper on it; learn from my mistakes and use metal) so I currently have only a Cobbler (less versatile, still gets the job done).

A Jigger

Ah, one of the most important parts. Always measure everything when you’re making a drink. And to do that, you’ll need a jigger. A jigger is actually the name of a measurement: 1.5 oz. So the piece of equipment that shares its name has a 1.5 oz barrel on one side (also with measurements for 3/4 oz. and 1/3 oz.) and a 1 oz. barrel on the other (also with measurements for 1/2 oz. and 1/4 oz.). Once again, I recommend OXO because it’s got this nifty rubber bit in the middle, so even if my hands are all over water I don’t risk dropping it and making a mess.

A Strainer

I don’t use the strainer in my Cobbler shaker because I find that it sucks — the holes are too big and stuff gets through, especially if any bits of ice have chipped off during shaking. I instead use the strainer that I used when I was mixing with my beloved Boston shaker — a Hawthorne strainer. I purchased two of them so I could mix two kinds of drinks without switching, and both of them are from OXO. Highly recommend.

A Muddler

This is a three dollar piece of equipment used to pound the crap out of ingredients, mostly fruit, so they release flavor/juices. It doesn’t really matter what the hell you get, as long as it feels good in your hand. Mine is wood because it lends to the wizard feel.

A Bar Spoon

It is just a long spoon. Again, it doesn’t really matter what you get as long as it feels good in your hand. Mine has some heft to it so I can get a good rhythm going.

A Juicing Contraption

Fresh juice is always better. Juicing with a juicer is always better.

A Mixing Glass

This is the glass used for stirred drinks. Mostly you stir drinks when they’re made out of entirely liquor, or liquor and a dash of lime juice sometimes. If you’re gonna skip something, skip purchasing the mixing glass and use the pint glass from your Boston shaker instead. If you want to get fancy, though, there’s no shortage of options.

Something To Make Ice Cubes

I have these neato burrito silicone ice trays that make nifty perfectly square ice cubes. Mostly I hate them — they’re hard to use and if I’m just looking to shake a damn drink, the fact that they are perfectly square doesn’t make one tiny bit of difference. But then sometimes I love them — large ice cubes are good for actually putting into finished drinks, as they melt slower. And perfectly square ice cubes just look cool. Your normal ice trays will be fine for this, though, and preferable if you’re using a lot of ice. Learn from my mistakes: have normal ice trays.

Knives

Probably you already have knives because probably you have a kitchen.

Peeler

For garnishing, also probably in your kitchen.

Liquor

There are a million recommendations for the liquors that “absolutely have to have to stock your home bar.” As you can imagine, I don’t really subscribe to that theory: You Do You applies to your home bar, too. When you’re making your liquor selections, I recommend you think about what kind of drinks you’re likely to make — are you big on gin but tequila makes your clothes come off? Is bourbon your preferred whiskey over rye almost every time? If it is, I don’t understand you and you’re wrong. Naw, just kidding. The point is, it’s your bar. I will also say that my favorite “this is what you have to have” kinda thing is the Kitchn’s Nine-Bottle Bar, and I don’t even agree with all of it.

Whiskey

We at Autostraddle love whiskey. We have a whole kitten dedicated to where the whiskey comes from. So we are going to start with whiskey. Here is my recommendation when it comes to whiskey — get one bourbon and one rye. You can now make approximately 50% of everything. My current bourbon has a bit of personality (New Holland Beer Barrel Bourbon, I also have Rebel Yell for when I need less weirdness), and my current rye is sort of the classic (Rittenhouse, also out of stock in my bar because I AM A BAD LIQUOR COLUMNIST). The real point is, don’t mix with the good stuff. The good stuff is for sipping. Go for something on the mid-shelf.

If you have whiskey in your bar, try these recipes: The Bloody Valentine, Hot Toddies, Irish Coffee (if you stock Irish Whiskey), and homemade eggnog (click to find out why you’ll want to do it right now). If you want to do some music listening, you should also try a Dark And Stormy expertly paired by Jeanie.

Gin

We are a gin household. Many people think gin tastes like Christmas, but I think it tastes like Spring. So there. Most recommend a London Dry gin, like the Broker’s which also comes with a wee bowler hat on it. We’ve got Knickerbocker and Farmer’s. Now that you have whiskey and gin, congrats! You can make, like, 75% of all things.

If you’ve got some gin, try all four of these kitten-approved gin and tonic recipes, the Wimbledon and the Hatterday #2. French 75 Popsicles are also a thing you will probably want to make, along with an actual French 75.

Vodka

To be honest, guys, I’m not a vodka drinker. But some people are, so to accommodate my Russia-inclined friends, I have a bottle of Absolut tucked away in the freezer. Because I so rarely use it, I am ashamed to say that I did not spring for the good stuff. See, it’s my firm belief that mixing with vodka doesn’t really require much artistry. And for the expensive, nuanced vodkas — well, those nuances don’t really hold up when you mix it. So don’t get spendy on the vodka. However, I will say that rather than spend money on Absolut (which is fine, whatever) like I did back when I didn’t know any better, go for the Tito’s. It is completely counter-intuitive that good mixing vodka would come from Austin, Texas. But it’s officially the smoothest vodka I’ve ever mixed with, goes great in sangria, highly recommend would drink again.

If you’ve got some vodka lying about, take a look at Bloody Marys, Skittle-Infused Vodka and Silk Panties.

Tequila

Tequila makes my clothes fall off, so I don’t drink it that often. But summer is coming and margaritas are A Thing and if I regulate myself, I don’t think I will go Emperor-Nudie-Pants too quickly. The biggest thing to remember about tequila is that you want 100% agave. Tequila comes in three varieties — silver, reposado and añejo (not really for mixing, añejo, it’s a bit overbearing). That has to do with how long they’re aged for, silver being the youngest and añejo being the oldest. If you’re going to stock only one, go right down the middle and get a reposado. I will also tell you that I know absolutely nothing about the tequila that I currently have in my bar, Olmeca Altos (it’s a reposado because I took my own advice). I tell you this because I want to also impart a little bit of advice — don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone a little and try new liquors. Do this with the guidance of your friendly liquor store owner/operator. Because my tequila knowledge is limited by exactly how much clothing I have to shed, I asked the friendly liquor store owner about it after the bottle caught my eye (what!? It’s a pretty bottle, don’t judge me!). He said he first sampled it last November and put three bottles on the shelves. It was gone in three days, which is pretty significant since I don’t live in a large town at the moment.

If you’re in the mood to get naked with tequila, check out the Café Royale. Oh goodness, have I not made a Margarita with y’all yet? My stars, we’ll have to do that.

Rum

It makes you feel like a pirate. Rum comes in sort of two general categories, light and all other rums. If you’re gonna stock only one, go with light. I went with Brugal. If you’re gonna stock something other than light rum, Sweet Lesbian Jesus, the Kraken. It is so delicious, but not super versatile. Still, I recommend stocking one light rum and one “personality” rum like that (we’ll talk about adding personality to your bar later, in the Level Up section).

These are the rum posts we’ve done so far: Infused Rum, Flaming Doctor Pepper, The Warmest Drink, and Homemade Eggnog.

Brandy

Yeah, this is one of those “don’t get good brandy” kinda things. Get mid-shelf brandy, something you really wouldn’t drink out of a snifter by itself. I have a few different kinds — Korbel, EJ, Hennessy. I don’t know why I have so much brandy? It keeps getting sort of adopted when friends and family don’t know what to do with it and they give it to me. My brandy, in short, reproduces.

The only recipe we’ve done so far with brandy that I can find is mulled wine, so it looks like I’ll have to make you a Sidecar in the near future.

Vermouth

Get one bottle of sweet (or rouge, they’re both the same damn thing) and one bottle of dry. Congratulations, you can now make a spectrum of martinis among many other things. Vermouth is perishable, though not the in the sense that it goes bad, just in the sense that it loses its flavor. Keep it in the fridge after opening, don’t let it get to be more than a month and half old after you’ve opened it.

If you’re looking to use up that vermouth, try the Fizzing Whizzbee featured in the gin and tonic post. And also like six million other drinks.

Cointreau

You guys, it’s used in a lot and it’s a lot of fun. It’s also a bit pricey ($40 by me). But it’s an orange liqueur and it’s used in margaritas, which you’ll probs want come summer. If you don’t get Cointreau, Curacao is another option but they taste a bit different. Grand Marnier is a third, cognac based option. Whatever you do, don’t get $13 off-brand Tripel Sec as a replacement. It will wreck your ish.

Bitters

In my opinion, you need only three bottles of bitters — Angostura, Peychauds and Orange. Now I’ve only got two of these right now (Angostura and Orange) because my Peychauds got misplaced at an A-Camp and I haven’t gotten around to replacing it yet, and I’ve been doing just fine. So do with that information what you will. Angostura bitters are available pretty much everywhere and there’s really only one kind. Orange bitters, though — there are many options for that. I’m liking Fee Brothers at the moment.

Mixers

I recommend only stocking two or three things. The two definites: sugar, for making simple syrup, and tonic water. A commenter pointed out that I’m not using the best tonic water here, and yes, I know, it really hurts my heart. But try as I might, I haven’t found anything local to me that’s better and whenever I’m out at tonic water, I tend to just pick it up at the grocery store rather than planning ahead and ordering online. One not definite is club soda, but mostly because I prefer to tonic things. If you’re going to stock club soda, the plain generic grocery store brand is more than enough. If you’re an “and coke” kinda human, maybe do that too. I just really hate pop so I don’t stock it.

You could stop here, and that would be a great bar setup that would make you the envy of your friends and lovers. But if you’re ready to level up past this, let’s keep going.

Liquor In The Tonic: Four Spring Twists on the Traditional Gin and Tonic

The joke goes like this:

Q: How do you make a gin and tonic?

A: …

That’s how easy it is to make a gin and tonic. It is, literally, gin… and tonic water. That’s it. It’s also a wonderful spring drink — it tastes like budding trees, blue skies and finally digging yourself out of what seemed like permanent snow (we see you winter — you were fucking cruel). The particular ease of this drink means it’s a great jumping off point for getting a little bit fancy without leveling up the difficulty.

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The Gin Selection: Farmer’s Small Batch Organic Gin

I’m using this particular gin because a) it’s got hints of lemon grass and elderflower that really come through in an almost citrus finish — and you’ll notice that my gin drinks are all citrus-y, kinda spring-y and b) because it’s organic and the company sources its botanicals from farmers who have an eye to sustainability. Plus it was very easily accessible to me at the liquor store down the street from my apartment. That wound up really working out. Farmer’s is delicious and I highly recommend it.

Onward.

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Bitter Orange Gin And Tonic

This is just one very, very short step up from a gin and tonic.

You will need:

• gin of your choice
• tonic water
• orange bitters (I’m using Fee Brothers).
• tonic ice cubes. As they melt, they don’t water down your drink. They just add more tonic. To make, just pour tonic water into your ice cube tray. It’s that easy.
• a jigger
• a glass of your choice. I’m using a jam jar because spring.
• an orange

Gin and tonic is something you build in glass. Start by putting 2-3 tonic cubes in your jam jar.

Add 1.5 oz of gin and two dashes of orange bitters. Give it a nice stir with a fun tall bar spoon. Try your best not to clank the hell out of the ice and spoon, but with jam jars it’s a little tough—many jam jars have ridged sides and sound TERRIBLE when you stir. But since they look so cute, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Top it off with tonic water. Now notice that I’m using fairly short jam jars (Bonne Maman, if you’re curious). If you’re using tall jam jars, just know that I’m using 4.5 oz of tonic water. Yes, I calculated. That’s exactly how many ounces I use when I say “top with tonic water.”

Garnish with an orange twist. Celebrate the fact that you are not digging your car out of your driveway.

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Saint Germain Gin And Tonic

This is one level of difficulty over the Bitter Orange Gin and Tonic — this time we’re adding (you guessed it) Saint Germain. The cool part is that Farmer’s gin has elderflower notes and Saint Germain is an elderflower liqueur, so they really do complement each other.

You will need:

• gin (preferably one with hints of elderflower).
• Saint Germain (this comes in an abnormally tall bottle, just thought you’d want to know that for storage purposes).
• tonic water
• tonic ice cubes
• a jigger
• a glass of your choice (again, jam jar, Spring, etc)
• a lime

Start by putting 2 to 3 tonic ice cubes in your glass (jam jar, ahem). Add 1.5 oz gin, followed by 1 oz Saint Germain.

Give it a nice stir and top with tonic water (4.5 oz if you’re counting, but follow your heart).

Slice a lime and garnish it with a nice lime slice. I like to dump it right in the glass instead of perching it on the top because something about that says “I’m so damn laid back, I just don’t even give a f*ck.”

Always be fighting a kitten for control of your kitchen. You can really taste the difference.

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Berry Mint Gin and Tonic

You will need:

• gin
• raspberries
• blackberries
• a sprig of mint
• tonic water
• tonic ice cubes
• a shaker of your choice
• a Hawthorne strainer
• a jigger
• glass of your choice (jar, Spring, lalalalala)
• a muddler

This one’s a shaken drink! Put ten or so raspberries/blackberries (mix it up, follow your heart) and a couple mint leaves (all torn up to release all the flavor) in the bottom of your shaker and muddle the crap out of them until the juices are released.

It’ll kinda look like jam. Then fill the shaker half with ice.

Add the 1.5 oz of gin and shake.

Use your Hawthorne strainer (I cannot recommend the OXO kind enough, it has this little rubber bit that keeps it from flying out of my hands) and pour over a finer strainer into your jam jar — that’ll keep the big pieces out. Top with tonic water (again, about 4.5 oz).

Grab a few whole berries (the very prettiest ones) and plop them right into your drink as garnish.

Float a mint leaf atop the whole creation.

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Fizzing Whizzbee

The drink that is also a parody. This is way past the gin and tonic — it’s, like, a real cocktail of my own invention, something that rose out of a desire for a new brunch drink that I wasn’t bored of.

You will need:

• gin
• sweet vermouth
• orange juice (preferably fresh squeezed, it’s always better)
• tonic water
• tonic ice cubes
• a shaker
• a Hawthorne strainer
• a jigger
• NOT A JAM JAR THIS TIME. I’m using a highball glass.
• an orange to use for garnish

Squeeze up your orange juice—usually one orange provides me enough for two drinks. Always cut your citrus length-wise—you’ll get more juice out of it.

Fill your shaker half with ice (it can be normal ice cubes for this part). Dump in 1.5 oz gin, 1.5 oz sweet vermouth and 1.5 oz of orange juice. Shake it up!

Fill your highball glass with tonic ice cubes and strain your drink into the glass. This time, when you top with tonic water you’ll notice it’s a bit more than the last few. That’s because there’s a full three ounces of liquor in this drink—it could stand to have a bit more tonic water in it. The exact measurement is (5 oz,but once again, I suggest you follow your heart where it leads you re: tonic water).

Garnish with an orange half moon.

And if you want other Harry Potter parody cocktails to accompany your Fizzing Whizzbee, check these out.

What are y’all drinking this spring? What are your gin and tonic twists and turns? What gin do y’all use? I just have so many questions, you guys.

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In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

BPM: Morgan Page and a Café Royal

Artist: Morgan Page

Cliffnotes:Warm, emotive, and poignant

Same Aisle As: Kaskade, Haley, Dragonette

If you’ve never listened to any sort of electronic music, Morgan Page is a great place to start.

First off, he’s done some really great music with Tegan & Sara. Many know the song “Body Work”, but there is also the lesser-known (but in my opinion, superior) Video.

Give it a listen and let’s get warmed up. I mean, it’s been one paragraph and I’ve already brought up Tegan & Sara so really, I shouldn’t have to write anymore than that, amirite?

BUT I TREK ON.

From the get-go, Morgan Page has a very recognizable style within a genre that is very easy to get lost in. He has a great command of melody, chord progression, and timbre of vocals mixed with instrumentation that focuses on that raspy, soul-aching, unrequited-love-for-my-lover-who-doesn’t-know-it kind of voice. One of the reasons why I love electronic music is because rather than being about the producer, the music doesn’t really come to life without the featured artist. Very often, Morgan Page  works with artists like Lissie, Camila Grey, Tegan & Sara, Nadia Ali, and Angela McCluskey (of Télépopmusik) who all give his music a certain depth that is often lost amidst all the uhntiss uhntiss. Like one of his more recent songs, “In the Air.”

https://soundcloud.com/morganpage/in-the-air-album-mix?in=morganpage/sets/in-the-air-remixes

I really LOVE this song. A great example of Morgan Page’s typical use of voice, I think it has a really different sound from what’s out there now and shows an artist expanding on what he knows what he’s good at. Synth strings, big percussive sounds, and for the music nerds out there, this song has some great suspensions that just seem to really just stretch your heartstrings. When the beat drops, it’s so organic and natural it’s from Whole Foods and provides a nice driving pulse for the rest of the song.

Also, his lyrics. I am personally someone who does not really pay attention to lyrics either way as long as they get the point across (“YOU WANT A MASERATI? YOU BETTA WORK BITCH”). But I know a lot of my friends appreciate a good, meaningful, emotive, and poignant set of words every now and then. Page does a great job of setting some lyrics that hit you right in the feels to some music that propels you forward while still . I feel like the song “Addicted” does a really great job of conveying my relationship with Diet Coke.

Morgan Page has been one of my favorite artists for some time now. His music often reminds me of warmth and enveloping, and for that reason, we’re going to go with my twist on a “Café Royal.”

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 cup of brewed coffee
• 1 oz of Café Patron Tequila Liqueur
• 1 tsp. of brown sugar

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Mix coffee and coffee liqueur.
2. Stir in brown sugar and garnish rim with brown sugar if desired.

Extra credit:

“Fight For You” – feat. Lissie – A strong, driving anthem, this song had a big part in my own sexual awakening as a queer woman and the video has Lissie in a tiny little dress-hoodie doing sporty things. Things I’m not mad about.

“The Longest Road” – feat. deadmau5 and Lissie – (This one won a Grammy!) This is the first song that I listened by Morgan Page. The intro is a bit long, but if you can make it through, it’s one of my favorite hits.

“One Day” – feat. Camila Grey – FAMILY!

For Spotify users, here’s an ongoing playlist that compiles all the listed tracks of this column into one playlist:

BPM

Get Toasted: The Bloody Mary Essentials

Complexly flavored and with endless variations, the Bloody Mary is the ultimate brunch drink.

It’s also excellent because it can be a beautiful cornucopia of nearly whatever you want, as long as you have these essentials:

1. Tomato juice

You can make your own tomato juice, and if you have perfectly fresh and fragrant tomatoes you will win brunch. Get 3 pounds of chopped ripe tomatoes, 3 stalks of chopped celery, 1 cup of flat parsley coarsely chopped and 2 tsp. sea salt, combine in a food processor, chill in a bowl for an hour and then strain through a medium-fine sieve.

You can also use store-bought juice in the interests of expediency or laziness or not owning a blender, and you will still win brunch. In either case, the key is using the highest-quality materials reasonable or available — even though you’ll be adding a lot of other ingredients, this is your base. (Though if that ends up being the only non-V8 option your grocery store has, I feel you.) On sodium content, follow your heart.

2. Something savory

Worcestershire sauce preferably. You can also add soy sauce, but it’s an addition, not a substitution.

3. Burny hotness

Take however much freshly ground or crushed black pepper you think you want and add a little more.

Then add your hot sauce(s) of choice.

4. High-nose hotness

Horseradish is perfect, but make sure you get the grated kind, not the creamy kind, which has added mayo and is gross. Dijon is a passable substitute in a pinch, or if you really like dijon. (If that’s you, consider adding both dijon and horseradish.) Wasabi is also really good here.

5. An acid

Freshly squeezed lemon or lime, and lots of it. The “freshly squeezed” part is key.

6. Vodka

If you want to get unnecessarily fancy, garlic-infused or pepper vodka will do, but why get unnecessarily fancy? Don’t use swill, but save your best. Aim for a 1:2 ratio of vodka to mix.

7. Ice

The only part of the presentation that is absolutely necessary.

8. Extras and garnishes

Though normally I advocate simplicity, the Bloody Mary is no place for restraint.

To the mix, you can add any or all of: finely minced garlic, clam juice, whole actual clams, pickle juice, olive oil, olive brine, beef bouillon, celery salt or other seasonings. Use any or all to taste.

As a garnish in the glass, you can use olives, pickles, blanched asparagus, a slice of lemon, a slice of lime, carrots with the tops on, cherry tomatoes, cucumber slices, cocktail onions or basically whatever else you can come up with. Celery is traditional, but also gross.

This One Way To Make A Bloody Mary

Ingredients

• tomato juice
• splash of Worcestershire sauce
• splash of soy sauce
• black pepper to taste
• splash or eight of sriracha, to taste
• 2 tbsp. horseradish
• 1/2 freshly squeezed lemon
• 1 clove of garlic, minced
• vodka
• ice
• olives

Directions

1. In a pitcher, jar or glass, combine the tomato juice, Worcestershire, soy sauce, black pepper, sriracha, horseradish, garlic and lemon. Stir or shake, and try it. Does it need more hotness? Add pepper. Does it seem a little dull? Add more lemon. If it still seems dull, add more Worcestershire. Is it too intense, hot, spicy, salty? Add more tomato juice and remember it’s going to be diluted by the vodka and ice.

2. When the flavor is to your liking, cover it and stick it in the fridge for an hour. (This isn’t 100% necessary but will make it so much better.)

3. Add between two and half a glass of ice cubes to a glass. Add two parts of the mix to one part vodka, stir lightly, plop in some olives and serve.

DIYke Club: Making Personalized Lighters and Flaming Dr. Peppers

Welcome to the new DIYke Club! Some friends and I started a DIY/crafting group that gets together a couple of times a month. We try a fun drink recipe and do a craft we haven’t made before. We’re having a blast and thought you might want to get in on the action. Maybe you’ll start your own local DIYke chapter? Let’s all get liquored up and make things!

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Sooo you’re a flamer, don’t you want to have a craft night that’s just as flaming as you are? Perfect — DIYke Club has your back. We’ll personalize your lighter and then use it to ignite a delicious Flaming Dr. Pepper! If you’re anything like me, all things fiery are inherently exciting (I think this might be called pyromania, but why pathologize fun, right?). And as an added bonus, your new lighter-swag might also impress the next cute girl who asks you for a light!

Personalized Lighter

Supplies needed:

• Standard BIC lighter (just make sure the top and bottom circumference is the same or your stencil won’t line up evenly)
• 9 x 7 cm decal (printed out, clipped from a magazine etc.)
• Mod Podge (or make your own by mixing 2 parts white glue and 1 part water together in a recycled glass jar)
• Brush or makeup wedge

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Step 1:

Apply Mod Podge to the back of your decal.

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Step 2:

Apply Mod Podge to your lighter.

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Step 3:

Carefully wrap decal around lighter and brush with Mod Podge. I like the texture the brush strokes provide so I left mine, but you can smooth them out with a makeup wedge if you want. The Mod Podge will dry clear.

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Step 4:

Impress the ladies with your awesome lighter.

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Flaming Doctor Pepper

The gestalt of this recipe is much tastier than its ingredients imply I promise! Plus, FIRE.

Prep time: 3 minutes
Serves: 1

Supplies needed:

• 1/2 a cheap beer
• 3/4 shot amaretto liqueur
• 1/4 shot Bacardi 151

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Step 1:

Poor ¾ shot of Amaretto liqueur into a shot glass and place in a larger glass of approximately the same height.

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Step 2:

Fill the remaining ¼ of the shot glass with 151, pouring carefully over a spoon to ensure the 151 floats on top.

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Step 3:

Fill the outside glass with beer, being careful to avoid splashing the shot inside.

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Step 4:

Light on fire and enjoy the fun for a second. Make sure you blow it out before trying to drink it! When all the flavors mix, it should taste reminiscent of a Doctor Pepper soda.

Note: sometimes it is easier to light the shot on fire separately and then poor it into the glass of beer.

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Header by Rory Midhani

Top 5 Amazing Yet Affordable Whiskeys You Probably Haven’t Tried

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

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Hi my name is Alex and I have an obsession with whiskey. This is me at our whiskey tasting at A-Camp:

My love for whiskey is a really expensive hobby. There was a time that me and a friend managed to spend about $400 on whiskey at Seven Grand one night (which my girlfriend rightfully loves to make fun of me for!). And I think that it’s worth spending $65 on a unique craft whiskey (like Balcones True Blue Cask Strength or Brenne Whisky).

But good whiskey, or even amazing whiskey, doesn’t have to break the bank. These are five whiskeys that prove it, and there are definitely more out there. We all know Jack, Makers, and Knob Creek, and everyone and their mom (except my mom, despite my repeat efforts) buys and loves Bulleit. That’s not to say these aren’t quality whiskeys (they absolutely are), but what would be the point of telling you what you already know Instead I opted to find and include whiskeys that you’re guaranteed to enjoy for around the same price as a bottle of the usual Bulleit.

Also, I’ve stuck only to American whiskies, like bourbon, because that’s what I know and love. I am not a woman of scotch (yet!).

So with that, grab your Glencairn glass and on with the whiskey!

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5. W.L. Weller 12 Year Old / Old Weller Antique 107

Price: $25 – $30

I have to admit I’m a bit hesitant to put W.L. Weller 12 Year Old on this list because it’s hard enough to find without more people knowing about it! W.L. Weller 12 Year Old is a wheated bourbon that comes from the same stocks and warehouses as the notoriously hyped Pappy Van Winkle whiskies. They’re made of the same mashbill. So you’re really getting something special for such an absurdly low price, not just with taste but also historically, as the Weller company name dates back to pre-Prohibition.

“A “wheated” bourbon, meaning that it doesn’t have the spicy rye notes found in a more traditional “ryed” bourbon. A pleasantly sweet, easy-going, well-balanced experience. Creamy vanilla, caramel, candied corn, and ripe berried fruit , along with more subtle notes of glazed orange, cocoa powder, and wood shavings. If I were going to ease a new bourbon drinker into the category, I might pick this one.” – Whiskey Advocate

I couldn’t agree more. W.L. Weller is rich, delicious, well-balanced, inexpensive, and I make sure I always have a bottle on hand. That’s if I can find it, which is becoming increasingly difficult. I was lucky enough to find it for our first whiskey workshop at A-Camp last year. Needless to say, if you see W.L. Weller 12 Year Old at the store, buy it. Even if only so I can buy it off you!

If you can’t find the 12 Year old, Old Weller Antique 107 is a good backup option while we brave the great whiskey shortage.

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4. Buffalo Trace Bourbon

Price: $20 – $25

It’s perfect, it’s available everywhere, and it’s less than $25. If you haven’t tried Buffalo Trace yet, what is honestly wrong with you I mean really.

It’s a classic, a lovely balance of sweet and warm spices with brown sugar and vanilla notes. So so good. It doesn’t hit you too hard and it’s complex enough to where I could (and often do) savor a dram for hours.

Buffalo Trace really nails it in general: their Antique Collection is award winning and the Experimental Collection yields one of the most unique series of whiskies from a major distillery, in my opinion. Anything Buffalo Trace does is solid, so it’s no wonder their original bourbon really hits the mark.

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3. Eagle Rare Single Barrel 10 Year Old

Price: $30

Speaking of Buffalo Trace, the Eagle Rare label is part of the Buffalo Trace family. I don’t know how it took me so long to try Eagle Rare 10. I did so at a bar specifically for this review, and I loved it. When it comes to a single barrel whiskey, I think the bottlings can vary a lot. With that said, I experienced a pleasantly balanced bourbon with sweet fruit and oaky vanilla flavors. It’s a truly satisfying drink.

At under $30 for a bottle, it’s unbelievable that you can get this taste for that price.

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2. Evan Williams Single Barrel

Price: $27

Evan Williams makes more than just that black label bottle that looks like a Jack Daniel’s rip off. Evan Williams actually has a lot going on (and, for the record, I actually really like their black label). But even better is the 10 year old Evan Williams Single Barrel Vintage series.

What’s a single barrel? Well, most whiskies are a combination of barrels of whiskey that can even be different ages that are used to create the desired flavor characteristics. Single barrel whiskies are bottled solely from one barrel and one barrel only. Every bottle is marked with the exact date that it was placed in oak and bottled, in addition to the exact serial number of the barrel from which it was drawn.

Available now is the Vintage 2004 release, which is getting great reviews and stands to be as good as any of the other years. I tried the Vintage 2001 for this review and have been on the lookout for my own bottle ever since.

These were my tasting notes:

“A little smokey/charry, then becomes sweet — like butterscotch or custard. It reminds me of a creme brulee! So awesome. Medium body, very drinkable. A delicious balance of smokey (char character) and sweet.”

Apparently I really liked it.

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1. Four Roses Bourbon (Yellow Label)

Price: ~$20

As I sampled whiskies for this list, Four Roses Bourbon wasn’t on my radar at all. It was only after I tried and ruled out Elijah Craig 12 Year Old and Wild Turkey 101 that I noticed the regular ol’ Four Roses there on the bar shelf. I’m more familiar with the Four Roses Single Barrel and Small Batch releases, which are special (and award-winning) limited edition releases. I decided to give the Yellow Label a shot and I was so happy I did — for $18.99 at BevMo, Four Roses is a steal.

It’s soft and incredibly smooth. I never understood what people meant when they described a whiskey as “floral” — that is, until this bourbon. THIS. The nose is fruity and floral and the taste is soft warm spices with a little citrusy sweet happening in there as well. I actually ordered my Four Roses with a side of ice and never used it. I just enjoyed this bourbon way too much to throw an ice cube into it.

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Can’t find something in stores? Check out Caskers for whiskies and other liquor situations, especially for sending gifts.

Header Image by Rory Midhani

Despite Luck of the Irish, Guinness, Heineken and Sam Adams Drop Sponsorship of Anti-LGBT St Patrick’s Parades

In a surprise turn of events, Guinness announced on Sunday that it will be pulling sponsorship from New York’s St Patrick’s Day parade on Monday, in support of LGBT groups. It joins Heineken and Sam Adams, who had earlier pulled their sponsorship from New York and Boston parades respectively.

The controversy this year began when organizers of South Boston’s annual St. Patrick’s Day parade once again refused to allow an LGBT group to openly walk and carry pride symbols in the parade. In a powerful open letter, the LGBT veterans  associated with MassEquality said,

We write first and foremost, to reject allegations made by the Allied War Veterans Council that we do not exist. … In 2010, the United States Congress repealed the discriminatory “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, finally allowing lesbian, gay and bisexual service members to serve this country openly and with pride. We sought only to march with integrity behind the colors that represent our multi-faceted identities as veterans, LGBT people and, for some of us, as Irish-Americans. But we fought too long and too hard to be able to serve our country openly to retreat back into the closet in order to march in a parade. As we have stood shoulder to shoulder, in war and in peace, we would stand together again marching as a symbol of the freedom that we offered our lives for, a freedom for all people, of all colors, creeds, origins, sexual orientations and gender identities.

Although the struggle has played out unfavorably for 20 years now, this time, South Boston’s Club Cafe announced that they would no longer serve Sam Adams due to the brewers association with the parade. To the surprise of many, Boston Beer (parent company of Sam Adams) responded by pulling their sponsorship of the event after nearly a decade. “Our namesake, Samuel Adams, was a staunch defender of free speech and we support that ideal, so we take feedback very seriously,” said the company.

Boston Mayor Marty Walsh also threw his support behind the LGBT veterans, saying, “The St. Patrick’s Day parade was born out of the celebration of Evacuation Day, a day set aside to recognize and honor our military and those brave Americans who have banded together for the sake of freedom. And so much of our Irish history has been shaped by the fight against oppression.” Welsh personally intervened to try and negotiate a deal to let the LGBT veterans walk in the parade; when organizers failed to budge, he announced that he would not be attending the parade on Sunday.

Similarly, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio will also be sitting out his city’s parade today. The Ancient Order of Hibernians, the organizers of the oldest St. Patrick’s Day celebration in the United States, have a longstanding policy of banning LGBT groups from marching. But this year, it just isn’t going to fly.

Shortly after Sam Adams’ decision on Friday, Heineken dropped its sponsorship of the New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade, saying, “We believe in equality for all.” On Sunday, the Stonewall Inn and other NYC bars announced that they would be starting a boycott against Guinness Beer over the company’s decision to maintain its sponsorship of the parade. Mere hours later, Guinness announced that it would be pulling its support. (“Guinness has a strong history of supporting diversity and being an advocate for equality for all. … We will continue to work with community leaders to ensure that future parades have an inclusionary policy.”) Stonewall quickly called off the boycott.

Are Guinness, Heineken, and Sam Adams supporting LGBT people out of the goodness of their hearts? It’s possible. But it’s also likely that these companies’ decisions were business decisions based on media attention, fresh memories of the (somewhat misguided) Stoli boycott, and an eye on their bottom lines. It’s notable that boycott threats were required for these pullouts to occur; it’s a reminder that much like what recently occurred with SB 1062 in Arizona, corporate support of LGBT issues is tied to the money to be made from LGBT consumers, and that corporate action isn’t always going to be the best option for LGBT communities. Still, it’s a clear sign of the changing landscape of expected LGBT-inclusiveness, and the backlash that can arise from exclusion.

Ford Motor Company is now the last major American corporate sponsor remaining on the New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Top Five Hard Ciders You Should Drink

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

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I get a lot of shit for not liking beer, which doesn’t make sense to me because cider exists in the world and we should all drink that instead. If you drink cider and expect it to be like beer, YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT. Disagree all you want but I get to have my opinion and much like all of my opinions, I consider it to be superior to everyone else’s. I’m an everyone-elseist. That’s like a racist but towards everyone but myself. I just made it up and it’s not true but I enjoyed saying it anyway.

Now this list could be a bunch of obscure ciders that are hard to find or expensive or weird flavors like molasses but I don’t drink those. I mostly drink the ciders they sell at Ralph’s and BevMo so if you’re expecting me to talk really pretentiously about cider, you’re in the wrong place. Unless that’s what the comments section turns into, then I guess you’re in the right place.

5. Stella Cidre

It’s spelled cidre so you know it’s classy as fuck like when people spell it theatre. I never would have tried it if it weren’t for Carmen because it’s more expensive than most ciders. It’s good though. It’s probably the driest cider I like but I don’t fully understand the term dry so I could be wrong. I’m extremely qualified to write this list!

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4. Hornsby’s Crisp

Hornsyby’s is simple and straightforward. To me, it’s a classic and probably how I would introduce any skeptic to the joy that is cider. Hornsby’s advertising is always talking about how it’s for “young adults” which is funny because people always call me a baby for drinking cider anyway, I don’t think they need to young it up.

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3. Strongbow

Strongbow reminds me of my college rugby team because they were obsessed with it. I didn’t drink until after college so I missed out on enjoying it with them but they were right–it’s stupid delicious. I don’t know whether it’s being associated with a bunch of queer women that like to throw each other around or the design of the cans and bottles but drinking Strongbow always makes you look like a badass.

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2. Woodchuck Granny Smith

It’s like drinking a Granny Smith apple. Who doesn’t want that? The perfect balance of bite and sweetness. I feel like this could be the exact copy on their website but I’m not going to check because then I’ll feel corny if I’m right.

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1. Wyder’s Peach Cider

I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WYDER’S MADE PEACH CIDER. That’s because the shit is nowhere to be found. They don’t even list it on their website. I’ve had it once and it was probably top five moments of my life if I’d only been alive that one week it happened. I see Pear Wyder’s everywhere but for whatever reason this janky liquor store in the same lot as some BYOB restaurant I went to was selling peach as singles. I don’t even think that’s legal. If you come across Peach Wyder’s in your life, buy all of them and bring them to Camp and we’ll get married on the mountain. Maybe that liquor store was making and packing their own peach cider. Maybe it was all just a fever dream. There’s no real way to know. All I know it it’s the best cider in the world.

Liquor In The V-Day: My Bloody Valentine

Happy almost Valentine’s Day, queermos! I was tasked with making a “sexual cocktail,” but I had some trouble figuring out how to make a cocktail sexual. There are sexual names for cocktails, but they aren’t really sexual in nature. Plus I’m one of those people who hates Valentine’s Day.

The good news is, when I developed this cocktail, I was fortunate enough to be hosting a fellow Valentine’s Day hater, Autostraddle’s Music Editor Stef Schwartz! So while our drinks were extra full of V-Day hate, yours can be extra full of romance or bro-mance or no-mance — either way, it’ll still be delicious.

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My Bloody Valentine

You will need:

1 1/2 oz. bourbon (I’m using New Holland’s Beer Barrel Bourbon, but you can substitute your favorite mixing bourbon in here).

1 oz fresh blood orange juice (I juiced two blood oranges for three drinks and had some left over)

2 dashes Angostura bitters

a contextually appropriate glass (we used a whiskey tumbler, a martini glass and a jam jar trying to find what looked the best. All of them were pretty, so it’s up to you!)

badass miniature cocktail swords that Stef found in her parents’ house

a shaker of some kind (I miss my Boston Shaker, you guys! I broke it doing a Liquor in the _____ post and I haven’t replaced it yet)

a hawthorne strainer

another sort of tea strainer

a jigger

2 blood orange segments to garnish

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1. Juice Yr Blood Orange

Did you know that when you’re juicing citrus, cutting it length-wise will give you more juice than if you cut it like everyone always cuts it?

Also, always use fresh juices instead of juice you buy. It just tastes better, ya know?

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 2. Prep With Ice

Fill your shaker halfway with ice. While you’re at it, prep your glasses with ice. This will chill the glasses so your drink will stay cooler for longer.

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3. Measure It Out

Pour the 1 1/2 oz. bourbon and the 1 oz. blood orange juice into the shaker. Add a dash of your dashing Angostura bitters.

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4. Shake It Up

Always shake over your shoulder with nothing and no one behind you, just in case. You never know, okay?

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5. Pour It Out

For this drink, we’re gonna do what’s called a fine strain. I normally skip this because I like pulp, but with the bourbon? I dunno, bourbon and pulp just don’t seem to go together. This is also the step where you have to select your glass. Here’s how it looked in our three options.

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6. G-ARRRRRR-nish

That’s how Stef says the word “garnish” when we’re having fun with swords for miniature pirates. Take the two segments of blood orange and, like you’re pinning something together to sew, stab them front to back so they look like a heart.

Arrange them nicely in a glass.

Even though cocktail queen Rachel Maddow has instructed us to never eat the garnish, I’m going to give you pre-emptive permission to eat the garnish. Because it’s not garnish — it’s G-ARRRRR-nish.

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Enjoy your quick, easy, three-ingredient cocktail that looks good three different ways! Stef and I remind you to drink responsibly.

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In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

Liquor In the L Word: A Cocktail Recipe Round-Up

It’s been ten years since The L Word premiered, and we’ve got lots to talk about. Welcome to The L Word week!

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It’s L Word Week! A whole week in which we write about The L Word in various capacities. Me, I own every single episode of The L Word on DVD. I hide them in the one bookcase I’ve got that has doors on the bottom shelf because I’m a little embarrassed to have them; not because of the gay thing (I’m super out), but because the writing is objectively terrible. I started watching the show in college, but I don’t really watch much TV now. I own two complete series on DVD: The L Word and Circus, a documentary about Big Apple Circus. So why was I so obsessed with The L Word? I was trying desperately to figure out how to be a lesbian, and at the time it was the most popular TV reflection of the gay community. So I did everything short of take notes while watching and I just couldn’t find the kind of lesbian I wanted to be in this hyper-wealthy, hyper-materialistic world of LA narcissists. After I had finished the season and couldn’t find a single scrap of knowledge in there for me, The L Word got demoted to guilty pleasure and I sought my role models elsewhere.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t secretly love it with the rest of y’all. Which means I’m gonna do a cocktail round-up! Because that’s what I do when I love something: apply liquor.

I thought about doing a round up of drinks served in The L Word but frankly, they don’t talk a lot about what they’re drinking. What I thought might be more fun is a recipe round-up matching various liquor drinks to various characters. I can’t do every main character from every season, but I got as many as I could, starting with the most obvious choice:

Jenny Schecter

Drink: Writers Tears, neat.

Everyone loves to hate Jenny, and I am no exception. I also love to love whiskey, and I’ve been wanting to get my hands on a bottle of Writers Tears for a while. I went through all the cocktail recipes I have in my veritable library of cocktail books, and because I couldn’t find one called “Whiny Baby Temper Tantrum” or “Self-Absorbed Malignant Friend” or “Straight-Turned-Gay Trope,” I figured something highlighting her angsty longing to be a writer was appropriate. I’m also probably just bitter that everyone in her fictional literary circle seems to think the sun shines out of her ass while I want to punch her in the teeth most of the time.

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Bette Porter

Drink: Kir Royale

Bette is fancy and there’s no way around it—even though I didn’t find a role model in The L Word, Bette was the closest I came because it was the first time I saw a reflection of a power lesbian. You guys, I have a secret hope to run the world (well, maybe not the world, I just want to make a ton of great things and contribute to the community in a really powerful way). What I hope not to do, however, is be a self-absorbed cheater who’s a bit obsessed with money. I met and fell in love with Kir Royale about six months before I really got into Bette or any other L Word character. I was living in Paris and I ordered one at a jazz club and then I ordered it a lot because holy shit, it’s so tasty and I always looked so sophisticated drinking it because it’s served in a champagne flute. It was my favorite drink for quite a while. All it is is 1/2 oz. crème de cassis topped with champagne. It’s the kind of thing that one would look good drinking at a gallery or museum opening, and you will probably feel like a power-queer while drinking it. Also, I couldn’t find a drink called “The Power Suit” and I kind of want to invent that now?

Check out the recipe here.

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Tina Kennard

Drink: White Lady

I had a really hard time coming up with a drink to represent Tina, because Tina is almost a non-character. She sort of sways into whatever else other people want. I feel like the series was just ending when the writers gave Tina actual gumption—she was in charge of the travesty of a Jenny screenplay, after all. What I remember Tina for most is her blandness and her kinda being a jerk re: the baby’s father being black. So y’all, I present you with The White Lady, a traditional gin cocktail made with an egg white. It looks super nondescript but if you use your favorite gin, it’ll finish in your mouth with a little gumption.

Check out the recipe here!

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Alice Pieszecki

Drink: French 75

You guys, I felt so much pressure picking Alice’s drink that I phoned up Hansen so she could help me. Why? Well if Bette was the closest approximation of a role model, Alice was the closest thing I had to a favorite character, and it seems like many feel the same way.  She was fun and funny and funky, she was a writer and a media maker (two things I am as well, come to think of it). she always spoke her mind and she was always interesting to watch. Of course, there’s also Leisha Hailey the a real human—I like her too! So I felt a lot of anxiety choosing something that fully represents Alice. Thank Lesbian Jesus that Hansen had an idea almost instantly: the French 75, made with gin, Cointreau and champagne. Sweet, complex, refreshing and wonderful. Can also be enjoyed in popsicle form (and that’s just fun—much like Alice!).

Check out the recipe here!

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Dana Fairbanks

Drink: Satsuma Mojito

Okay, I have to confess that I’m a horrible person and I immediately started thinking of really terrible punny cocktails harkening to the fact that Dana dies, pointing to my extremely morbid sense of humor. You can probably think of some too. I don’t want to reduce Dana to just “the one who dies,” though, because her character was so much more than that. A sweetheart with an innocent streak a mile wide whose true passion is getting out (and staying out!) in the sun playing tennis. Despite being rich and famous, she had an extremely relatable story arc re: coming out, and her funeral was painful to watch for so many because it’s so familiar for a conservative family to erase queerness. So instead of making a terrible pun, I’m going to pick something summery and sweet that has a lot of power to it, and that is a Satsuma Mojito: basically a regular mojito, with the added awesomeness of Satsuma Mandarin Oranges. Perfect for those long days at the tennis club.

Check out the recipe here!

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Shane McCutcheon

Drink: Whiskey Stone Sour

Ah, everyone’s favorite heartthrob. Shane McCutcheon is a bad-boi player with the sexiest voice known to TV-kind. I remember Shane most for having a Troubled Past and hoping to fill any voids she felt with promiscuity. Despite her tough exterior, however, she actually did have quite a few feelings deep down. I was hoping to find a drink called “Everyone’s Obsession” or “Hub on the Chart” or something like that, but since I couldn’t I decided to go with a Stone Sour, which is basically bourbon, orange and lemon. Why? Because even though “sour” is in the name, it’s actually not that sour—sour just means that it’s got citrus and sugar in it. That means this will be a good deal sweeter than what you’d expect when you think whiskey. Much like Shane, despite initial appearances there’s a lot more sweet on the inside.

Check out the recipe here!

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Max Sweeney

Drink: The Sidecar

Ah, Max. Max, Max, Max. I remember people having A LOT of feelings about Max. If it wasn’t the inclusion of a male human in a female space negating Max’s identity, it was outrage that there wasn’t a butch presence on the show who was woman-identified, or it was the treatment of Max by other characters on the show. Max was one of those characters that made us have a ton of feels, mostly asking the writers why why why why. For Max I chose the Side Car, and here’s why: there’s this book that everyone who’s into mixing cocktails should have, called The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks by David A. Embury. It was published in 1948. Embury was born in 1886, which means he had about ten years before Prohibition to experience the best bars and mixologists the pre-prohibition golden era of mixed drinks had to offer. Guys, this book is fabulous (a little sexist at times, with asides like “the ladies will like this a little sweeter,” but hey, it’s of its era). It’s fabulous because it’s not just a litany of recipes: he talks about the history of the drinks and his impressions of them. Any drink that he originates, he talks about how he got there, and he has a lot to say about the Sidecar:

“This cocktail is the most perfect example I know of a magnificent drink gone wrong… As originally concocted it contained some six or seven ingredients in place of the the three now set forth in practically all recipe books. The simplification of the recipe by reducing the number of ingredients should not, in itself, affect the desirability of the cocktail. Unfortunately, however, the proportions are usually stated as equal parts of lemon juice, Cointreau, and brandy. This may not be a bad formula for a mid-afternoon drink, but for an apéritif it is simply horrible because of its sickish sweetness.”

That’s why I picked the Sidecar for Max—the reducing and simplifying of the character pleased no one. And he should have been so good! I mean, it’s Daniela Sea. COME ON!

Check out the recipe here (and I found one without equal proportions so it’s not going to be terrible).

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Helena Peabody

Drink: The Paddington

I set out to find something ridiculously rich and British to represent Helena, and I found it: The Paddington is a PDT cocktail created by the amazing David Slape and popularized by the PDT Cocktail Book. Have any of y’all ever been to PDT? It’s a speakeasy and it stands for Please Don’t Tell. You enter through a phonebooth and then pay a large amount of money for what will probably be the best cocktail you will ever have. Paddington is a popular British character and this cocktail requires a really expensive and well-stocked bar to make (absinthe, white rum, Lillet Blanc, and orange marmalade). Plus it’s difficult to make, as I imagine having a friend with more money than God would be. But it’s also really lovely to drink, as lovely as I imagine having a friend that bankrolls everyone’s projects would be.

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Kit Porter

The Drink: Mexi-Café (non-alcoholic!)

You wouldn’t think it, but I had the easiest time with Kit Porter’s because runs a café and doesn’t drink, which narrowed it down from All Drinks In The World to just non-alcoholic coffee drinks made with a shaker and strainer. I’ve had the Mexi-Café bookmarked for ages just waiting for the perfect time to use it, and now is that time. It’s just coffee and cinnamon, but I want to try making this habanero simple syrup and subbing that in for the regular simple syrup. Because what’s better and more Kit-Porter-adventurous than spicy cinnamon coffee?

Check out the recipe here!

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In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

You Brew You: Secondary Fermentation and Bottling

Welcome to You Brew You! A series dedicated to all things homebrewing. Have you ever wanted to make your own beer? You probably will by the end of this post.

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By this point, you’ve gotten your equipment squared away and have cooked up the wort. Now it’s time to pop the lid on that fermentation bucket and siphon the shit out of it.

As always, first we start with some beer. Not the makin’ kind. The drinkin’ kind.

Once you’re sipping, it’s time to rack. That’s just a fancy way to say transfer your beer from one vessel to another. Make sure to thoroughly sanitize your siphon, your carboy and all other equipment. I like to sanitize a few shot glasses inside and out, dip them into the fermented wort, and taste.

At this point, your proto-beer will be cloudy and warm. Taste it anyway. This will give you a little glimpse into how the beer will actually taste later on. Keep in mind that the flavors need time to fully develop.

Secondary Fermentation

Siphon the beer into a glass carboy for secondary fermentation. This will allow the muck to settle out of your beer, leaving it clear and yummy.

Not everyone is into secondary fermentation, and strictly speaking you don’t HAVE to do it. But the gunk from your wort has now settled to the bottom of your primary fermentation bucket, and leaving your delicious beer on top of that gunk for another week will make it more bitter. (Also, this is for top-fermenting yeast, a.k.a. ale yeast. Lager yeast is another ball game all together.)

Keep the carboy in a dark place for 7 – 10 days. After that, it’s ready to taste again. (If you’ve been paying attention, every step is really just another reason to drink more beer.)

Now is also the time to measure your final gravity. Technically, your final gravity will tell you if your beer is done or not. But since the fermentation time on this beer is 10 days, and since we’ve let it sit in secondary fermentation for an addition 10 days, we can be pretty damn sure it’s done. Still, measuring the final gravity will allow us to calculate ABV (alcohol by volume).

Using our handy dandy calculation, with a starting gravity of 1.044 and a final gravity of 1.01, we get an ABV of 4.46%.

Don’t put the beer from the test jar back into your carboy. It may be contaminated. Better drink it to be sure.

Bottling

Wash out and sanitize all bottles, growlers, spoons, siphons, tubes, bottle caps and the capper. Make sure to sanitize some plates to put all of your sanitized equipment on. Wash and sanitize your bucket. We’ll use this to mix the beer with the priming sugar.

Rack the beer from the carboy to the bucket. This method is called bulk priming, meaning we’re mixing the sugar in with the beer BEFORE bottling. You can also bottle prime, which means putting sugar directly into each bottle and then siphoning the beer into it. Bulk priming, if you don’t mind the extra step, makes sure that each bottle of beer is carbonated the same.

Put the priming sugar (or just regular sugar; no need to get fancy) into the bucket. For a 5-gallon batch, you want about 2/3 to 3/4 cup of priming sugar. Err on the side of 2/3. Over-priming your beer will lead to unnecessary explosions and wasted beer.

Rack the beer into the bottles.

Cap those bottles.

Now we just wait. Carbonation will take about a week, maybe two. The beer will taste ok after that point, but I’d recommend letting it bottle condition for 1 – 6 months. This is a dark ale, so we let it condition 2 months before drinking.

Labeling

This step is clearly optional, but if you want to feel legit in your beer brewing, you can make your own labels. Print them on a laser printer, dip them in milk (trust me on this), and carefully brush them onto the bottles.

Thanks for tuning in and brewing with us! It is our honor to present you with our first brew here on Autostraddle: Bad Decisions Brewery’s Birthday Blackout.

DIYke Club: Etched Glass Tumblers and Whiskey Neat

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I learned lots of things at October A-Camp. Like how to spell chlamydial, adorable marriage proposals make me cry uncontrollably, and glass etching is my new favorite hobby. It’s so simple even craft-challenged weirdos can pull it off, and I mean really – who doesn’t feel like a baller sipping whiskey out of a personalized glass?

Etched Glasses

Supplies Needed:

+ Glasses to etch
+ Sticky stencils
– I ordered custom vinyl stencils here for camp
– Or you can make draw your own stencils on contact paper, and cut them out with an exacto blade
+ Masking tape
+ Armour Etch glass etching cream (It is reusable so it will last a long time. You can find it on Amazon for $11/ 3oz -OR- $22/22oz)
+ Makeup sponge
+ Latex gloves

Steps:

1. Choose your design. If you are an amazingly talented human (which I am not) draw or trace it onto the contact paper and cut it out with an x-acto blade. If you are an averagely talented human like myself, order a custom vinyl stencil from Etsy.

2. Clean your glass so they are free of dirt/smudges (you don’t want to etch dust or fingerprints onto your glass). A paper towel and some hot breath are fine, glass cleaner will also work.

3. Carefully place the stencil on the clean glass surface, then rub down to get all air bubbles out. When the stencil is securely attached to the glass remove the top carrier sheet.

4. Tape the edges of your stencil just to make sure no etching cream escapes your carefully placed stencil (but be sure not to overlap your design). Prepare to etch! Shake your bottle of etching cream thoroughly (for best results the AmourEtch website suggests your cream and glass surface be at least 70 degrees – however, it was snowing at camp and our glasses still came out fine).

5. Put on the latex gloves to make sure icky chemicals don’t touch you and apply a thick layer of etching cream with a make-up wedge (you should not be able to see the stencil or the glass beneath) while staying within the taped area.

6. LEAVE CREAM ON FOR 10 MINS.

7. After ~10 minutes have passed, use the makeup wedge to scrape excess cream back into the bottle (reusable!) making sure not to contaminate any of the clean glass surface. Then run your glass under lukewarm water until any remaining cream has rinsed off.

8. When the cream is gone, peel the rest of the stencil off (some of it might come off with the rinse – this is normal) and dry off your glass. Then clean your glass (soap/water or glass cleaner) and sip some whiskey!

Whiskey Neat (Rocks if you must)

Prep time: 0 mins

Serves: as many as you want… this isn’t a real recipe duh!

This is by far the least complicated beverage your DIYke group will ever make – but you’re making whiskey glasses so I’m not really sure what you expected. No idea where to start with whiskey? Ask Ali – she might be able to help you!

Step 1: Pour whiskey of choice into amazing etched glass tumbler.

Step 2: Sip whiskey of choice out of amazing etched glass tumbler.

Step 3: Talk about kittens or something.

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Header by Rory Midhani

Thanks for reading DIYke Club! Some friends and I started a DIY/crafting group that gets together a couple of times a month. We try a fun drink recipe and do a craft we haven’t made before. We’re having a blast and thought you might want to get in on the action. Maybe you’ll start your own local DIYke chapter? Let’s all get liquored up and make things!

Liquor In the Gift Guide: Wine, Beer and Cocktails

In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______ that can’t be too regular because I’m probably drinking right now, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

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I have many loves when it comes to alcohol. Which is kind of hysterical, because I actually don’t drink that much. But when I do, it’s always a toss up. I love wine, beer and cocktails equally. So when it came my turn to contribute to our Holigay Gift Guides, there were just so many things across the board I wanted to tell you existed and recommend that you get for your girlfriend/partner/person/parents/siblings/friends who like to drink, well. I couldn’t pick. I couldn’t pick just one road to go down. So I went down all three roads. My fellow queermos, I present to you the largest gift guide I have ever done.

Gift Ideas for the Wine Lover

You DECANT overlook the importance of a great decanter to a wine enthusiast. DECANT. Get it? Get it!? Get…no? Aside from the V1 Vacuum Decanter pictured above, here are 15 good ideas for the person your naughty list who loves them some wine. Numbers go from left to right, like you’re reading a book.

1. Moleskine Wine Journal, $17.35 — I’m such a huge fan of journaling your feelings, and wine is such a complex thing to have feelings about.

2. Rabbit Corkscrew, $45 — Basically it’s magic for your cork. Cork magic.

3. Parrot Corkscrew, $60 — This is the exact corkscrew my girlfriend and I used to open wine while we were in Napa. So I have strong positive feelings towards this corkscrew.

4. Handle Bar Mustache Corkscrew, $8.58 — I know you like this. I see you.

5. Bow Tie Glass Markers (set of 6), $4.99 — Dapper up your wine glass while also not mixing up your wine glasses.

6. Paşabahçe Red Wine Glasses (set of 16), $44 — Okay, I’m fully aware that there’s more than one type of red wine and that you don’t use the same glass for all of them. But for someone who doesn’t really have stemware and needs a lot of it fast (like a holigay party, for instance) this shape and size is kind of a catch all.

7. Paşabahçe White Wine Glasses (set of 16), $44 — Again, more than one kind of white wine, but a really good basic set.

8. Preservino Wine Saver Set (argon gas), $50.16 — So I was all set to recommend a vacu seal thing here, but then my girlfriend (who worked on a winery this harvest) informed me that wineries use argon gas to seal and preserve their wine. It’s apparently far superior to a vacuum seal!

9. Wine Enthusiast Private Preserve Wine Preservation Spray (argon gas), $11.64 — This is that same argon gas preservation at a lower price point – just make sure you grab stoppers to go with it. Stoppers much like…

10. Rabbit Wine Stoppers (set of 2), $5.50 …these stoppers. Perfect, plain, aren’t too tall so that you can still fit your white wine back in the fridge.

11. Toadstool Wine Bottle Stoppers, 9.99 — I’m letting my nerd show a little bit. These are absolutely on this gift guide because they remind me of Super Mario.

12. Wood Crate Wine Rack, $39.99 — Fun fact: if someone plans to keep wine more than six months, they’ve got to keep it laying on its side otherwise the cork will dry out. Just fyi.

13. Wright and Goebel Wine Club, $79/month — Pricey, but enjoyable. Also when I lived in Brooklyn, this is where I got all the liquor for my recipes – the staff is really lovely and knowledgable.

14. Wine Bow Ties (set of 4), $9.92 — If you’re planning to give wine this holigay season, that wine might identify as dapper and dandy. Just a thought.

15. Peg and Awl Cheese Palette and Knife, $34 — Beautiful wooden set, perfect for the pairing expert.

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Gift Ideas for the Beer Drinker

I have strong beer feelings – one of those feelings is that beer should never be consumed out of the bottle it came in – thus the Libbey set of craft brew glasses. Here are 15 great ideas for the beer snob at your holigay party.

1. Brewing Starter Kit, $99.99 — This is the same one I asked for this Christmas. Just think, we could all brew together!

2. Amber bottles (24), $24.99 — Necessary for the home brewer.

3. Bottle Washer, $18.03 — Makes a home brewers life a billion times easier.

4. Meriwether Six Pack Carrier, $35 — Is adorable, can also be used at shops where “build your own six pack” is a thing.

5. The Complete Joy of Home Brewing by Charles Papazian, $15.82 — I own this! I am reading it! I like it!

6. Brooklyn Brewshop Every Day IPA Kit, $39.95 — Brooklyn Brewshop actually makes a ton of different kits – I chose this one because it’s right down the middle, taste-wise.

7. Walnut Bottle Opener, $14 — This seems like a hardware-esque, slightly masculine-of-center bottle opener.

8. Pub Coasters (set of 15), $5.99 — Bring a touch of British beer drinking into your life.

9. Mustache Beer Markers (set of 6), $10.99 — Okay, y’all know I say don’t drink beer out of the bottle it came in. But if you must, it might as well be with a mustache. Plus no more mixing up the bottles.

10. Many Varieties of Beer Poster, $25 — To hang in the corner of home reserved for brewing or drinking.

11. Craft Beer Club, $37.75/month — 12 bottles a month, 4 different beers. Variety is the spice of life.

12. Libbey Flight Set, $21 — Perfect for tasting those four different beers per month.

13. Beer Journal, $16.35 — Basically I’m recommending all the materials to start a beer tasting club.

14. Drink Local Craft Beer Tee, $25 — I’m not sure why there’s a lion on this shirt, but I’m digging it.

15. Wall-Mount (Vocabulary) Bear Bottle Opener, $13.99 — In my head, this is a wall-mounted bottle opener shaped like Marni in a bear costume.

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Gift Ideas for the Cocktail Enthusiast

That, my friends, is basically a bar pocket knife. It’s a Bar10der 10-in-1 bar tool for $39.99, (by Quench Products) and it’s perfect for A-Camp next Spring! Take a look at all these other cocktail-related gift ideas for the Maddow in your life.

1. Cocktail Revolution Molecular Mixology Kit, $58.95 — For those whose two loves are chemistry and drinking.

2. Cocktail Hour Notebooks, $10 — Pocket-sized recipe notebooks with adorable covers.

3. Boston Shaker, $25.32 — I always recommend a Boston Shaker over any other kind of shaker because it’s so versatile. You can use the top as a mixing glass, even.

4. OXO Hawthorne Strainer, $7.95 — This is the exact strainer I have and it seems to magically fit shakers of different sizes? I’m convinced it’s a wizard object.

5. OXO Double Jigger, $8.95 — This is the exact double jigger I have, and I didn’t know how much I’d appreciate the no-slip grip on it until I was covered in alcohol and mixers and realized exactly how slippery things could get.

6. SPARQ Soapstone Whiskey Rocks, $20-$25 — If you want to cool your whiskey down but don’t want to water it down. Also works fabulously for white wine that’s not as cold as you’d like.

7. Zoku Ice Ball Set, $16.95 — Fun fact:more surface area means more cooling with less melting. That’s why ice spheres are so wonderful.

8. Brandy Glasses (set of 4), $15.96 — Also good for many whiskeys (tulip shaped with a stem).

9. Whiskey Tasting Game, $50 — I know it’s no substitute for Alex and I leading a whiskey tasting on the mountain, but this is probably a pretty close second.

10. Cupa Whiskey Tumbler (set of 2), $50 — I thought this was a cute take on the rocks glasses whiskey is normally served in.

11. Bittermens Hellfire Habanero Shrub Bitters, $20.35 — This is like hot sauce for your cocktail. I put that shit on everything.

12. Fee Brother’s Bitters (set of 6), $49.99 — I love love love Fee Brothers bitters. Their orange bitters are a staple in most of my summery drinks.

13. Hudson Whiskey Barrel Aged Cocktail Kit, $12.50 — Barrel aged cocktails are on the rise, trend-wise. I just got one of these – put a Manhattan in it. Trust me.

14. Mr. Boston Official Bartenders’ Guide, $6.76 — When I’m doing a drink, this is my go-to jumping off point. Plus I think it’s pretty and looks classy with the barware.

15. Mercury Glass Bar Tools Set, $34.99 — Put these on a silver tray from Goodwill and bam, you’ve just given someone a bar for the holigays.

I think, after creating this monster guide, I know why I think wine/beer/cocktail stuff feels like such a wonderful gift. It’s almost like you’re giving the gift of tradition – wine, beer and liquor-making is such a historical thing. Many recipes and practices have been passed down, generation to generation. The art of tasting has, too. And the art of drinking as a community – it feels like you’re giving the gift of friendship – of your group sitting around a roaring fire drinking red wine and shooting the shit. So Happy Holigays, queerloves. Cheers.

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