Cool-Down Cocktails: 3 Summer Drinks To Say Farewell To Summer With

Summer is fading but it’s still hot enough to melt for many of us, so I’m here to help you chill out — literally.

I went to visit my parents in Tennessee recently and as soon as I walked out of the airport and was blasted with the heat of one thousand angry hair dryers, I remembered why I was a vampire as a teenager. So I did what any respectable adult would do — I went home and made myself a fancy-ass cocktail. With these summer drinks, so can you.

Strawberry Basil Sipper

Here’s what you’ll need:

• 1 1/2 cups strawberries
• 1 tbsp white sugar
• 7-10 basil leaves
• Sprite or any other lemon lime soda
• Vodka (I like Ketel One)
• Cocktail shaker
• Potato masher
• Muddler or something flat to crush the basil with
• Ice
• Paper straws if you want to feel like a Pinterest mom

Begin by washing and cutting the tops off your strawberries. Move them into a bowl as you prepare them and sprinkle one tablespoon of sugar on top.

Mash the strawberries until they’re about a puree consistency and let them sit while you muddle about 5-10 (depending on how much you like basil) leaves in the bottom of your cocktail shaker. Pour about 8 ounces of vodka into the shaker, then add your strawberry mixture. You don’t have to go wild with the shaking- just enough to mix it all together. It’s even better when you let it sit about 10 minutes so the flavors can kind of marinate.

Once you’ve got all of those ingredients combined, pour even portions of the mixture into three tall glasses (or six highballs) and add ice. Last, pour to the top with Sprite, mix gently with a spoon, and add a strawberry and basil leaf for garnish. If the texture of the strawberry puree bothers you, feel free to press the strawberry juice through a strainer and into your cocktail shaker before shaking. I liked drinking the cocktail, then spooning out the vodka=infused strawberries and eating them like a refreshing little dessert.

Calming Rosemary + Lavender Delight

Here’s what you’ll need for three large cocktails (or six highballs):

Lavender simple syrup:

• 2/3 cup sugar
• 2/3 cup water
• 3 tbsp. lavender buds

The rest of the drink:

• 1 liter bottle of sparkling water
• Rosemary sprigs
• Tequila or Gin (Whatever’s your preference. Both work just fine)

Start out by making your lavender simple syrup (ideally the day before you want to make this cocktail so it can cool in the fridge overnight)

Combine your water, sugar, and lavender buds in a saucepan on medium-high heat until it reaches a boil. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Once the syrup reaches a boil, reduce to medium heat and let it simmer for about 5 minutes.

Pour the syrup into a glass jar and let it cool on the counter. You can leave it covered with a lid on the counter or place it in the fridge once it has cooled down a bit. In the meantime, I went out in my yard and picked a few sprigs of rosemary. Obviously if you’re not going through a Pinterest mom phase, pick up some rosemary at your local grocery store.

Once your simple syrup is cooled and you’re ready to serve up your drinks, pour six ounces of tequila/gin and three ounces of lavender syrup into a shaker with ice. Shake and distribute evenly in your glasses (filled with more ice), top up each glass with sparkling water, then add the sprigs of rosemary.

This drink is light and refreshing, but if you like something sweeter or stronger, feel free to play with the ratios of booze to syrup. This one is especially nice after a long day at work or outside in the heat — it’ll get you nice and cooled down.

Mint Melon Mystic

What You’ll Need:
** serves three drinks

• 6 oz citrus vodka (Absolut Citron)
• Half a cantaloupe
• 1 lemon
• 10 mint leaves (to muddle)
• 3 sprigs of mint for garnish
• 2 cans Dry cucumber soda (if you can’t find this, sparkling water is fine)

Tools:

• strainer
• food processor
• knife
• cutting board
• cocktail shaker
• spatula

First up, muddle 10 mint leaves in the bottom of your cocktail shaker. Then, make three small slices of cantaloupe to set aside for garnish and dice the rest of the half and place the pieces in your food processor. Process until the fruit is liquified.

Place the strainer over your cocktail shaker and pour about one cup of the cantaloupe into the shaker. Press the pulp with a spatula to make sure all of the liquid drains into the shaker.

Add six ounces of citrus vodka and ice to the shaker. Shake, then pour three highballs about half full with the mixture.

Top up the glasses with Dry cucumber soda or sparkling water.

To finish, garnish each glass with a sprig of mint, a cantaloupe slice, and a thinly sliced lemon.

This mellow drink has just a touch of tartness from the citrus vodka and is hella refreshing on a hot day. Stay cool out there!

Enjoy!

Liquor In the Secrets: Start a Secret Society, Invent a Secret Punch Recipe

The idea came to me out of the mouth of Alton Brown all because I had a cold. See, when I get sick, I get down and stay down and then am better in a day or two. I stay in bed and watch Good Eats. It’s no surprise that my favorite episodes are always about alcohol. This one, specifically, was about punch.

Now Alton and I differ in our methods for making punch, and I noted this. But what made me sit up in bed was this juicy tidbit of information: many secret societies throughout history had secret punch recipes.

A little bit of background about myself — in recent memory, I have related to many fictional characters in books, but none stronger than Plum when she has the following feeling in Lev Grossman’s The Magician’s Land:

Plum loved Brakebills. It was November of her senior year and she still wasn’t sick of it, not a bit. She loved its many and varied and intricate traditions and rituals and mythologies with an unironic and boosterish love that she refused to be embarrassed about. If anything she thought there should be more of them, which was one reason she started the League.

I am a person who thinks there should, on the whole, be more (benevolent!) secret societies in this world. So. I’m not saying I’ve made a secret society just to have a secret punch recipe, but I’m not not saying that either. Obviously, if I had, I wouldn’t share the punch recipe. Or the society. But I figure I can share my secret to making up punch recipes on the fly. And, while we’re at it, we can talk about the ingredients for a pretty good secret society, too.

via Dishmaps

How to Invent a Punch Recipe

You will need:

• a strong
• a weak
• a fizz
• a sweet

This is so you can say it in a rhyme.

See, I told you that I differ from Alton Brown in my method, and for that I wonder how you will ever trust me again. But! Just trying out my instructions might restore your faith. Compare them to good ole Alton’s and see how you like! My method is probably closest to this one on Food52, but it’s still a little different.

The Strong

This is, obvi, the liquor. Punch can be made from any ole liquor you like, so I recommend just picking your favorite or whatever you’ve got extra of. The other nice thing about liquor for punch is that it doesn’t have to be nice! It shouldn’t be terrible, either — not a huge fan of, like, jolly-rancher-flavored vodka for instance. But it can be the cheaper, mixing stuff. It’d be a waste to use anything too nice — save that for sipping by itself!

Some examples to get you inspired might be rum, gin or bourbon. You’ll need 1 part of this. You choose based on how many people you’re serving what that part might be — a cup or a pint or whatever.

The Weak

This can be pretty much anything that’s not liquor — options include tea, cranberry juice, grapefruit juice, apple juice, even lemon juice (the weak could be sour, it really depends on your taste) and so much more. Also use this in 1 part. Don’t use something too too sweet, here, because we’re gonna get there.

The Fizz

See, it’s way more important to me that a punch be effervescent in my mouth than sour. The fizz could be nonalcoholic things like tonic water, seltzer or soda. It could also be things with alcohol in them, like sparkling wine, beer or cider. The important bit is the bubbles. Now here’s where the measurements get tricky. Some would say for simplicity to just go with an equal 1 part here, but I say that’s WRONG. The punch will have a better mouthfeel if you go with 1 ^1/3 parts. I know, I know I’m asking a lot of your measuring here, but consider this — if you use 1 cup of each strong and weak, all that means is 1 ^1/3 cups fizz. If you’re making a bunch-a-punch, it’s even easier — 3 cups of strong and weak means 4 cups of fizz (though that really is a ton of punch, how many people are you serving??).

The Sweet

The sweet could be a lot of things, including a different (even sweeter) juice like pineapple or orange juice, or it could be simple syrup or a variation therein! Heck, it could even be raw sugar if you’re doing a warm/hot punch (yes, that’s a thing, the possibilities are ENDLESS).

Both in type and measure, the sweet is the most variable of the ingredients. My method is 2/3 part, but that’s because I never use anything too sweet on the weak. If you did, you might want to tip the sweet down to 1/2 part. If you want a very sweet punch just because that’s what makes your tongue happy, you could go up to a whole 1 part. Adjust as you see fit on this one. In fact, adjust as you see fit on all the components because that’s what makes your secret punch recipe uniquely yours.

Ice Ice, Baby

If you are making a cold punch, you have to think of a way to keep the punch cool. Let me tell you, don’t just dump a bunch of ice cubes in—ice cubes melt relatively quickly because of their low surface area in comparison to the punch. Instead, go with something large with a high surface area, like a punch ring. Punch rings are best made in a jello mold or a bundt pan and can be decorated with pieces of fruit. For a little inspiration, I like this Food52 video:

Something this video doesn’t touch on, though, is that you can make punch rings out of juice or tonic water as well as just plain water. And punch rings aren’t even the only option! To go back to Alton Brown for a hot sec, he fills water balloons with water and then sets them in teacups in his freezer to get a good shape. Then he just cuts the balloon away! If you do that, though, please make sure none of your guests/secret society members has a latex allergy.

Speaking of that secret society —

How to Form a Secret Society

You will need:

• friends
• a meeting place
• an imagination
• a certain amount of desire for more secret societies in the world

Those truly are the only things you actually need. And you don’t even need that many friends! Two or three will suffice.

Most of the writing on the internet about forming secret societies seems to have been done by 8-12 year olds, which made for some hilarious research. Nothing against 8-12 year olds, they’re amazing, but I am an adult. So I researched a few big-kid secret societies, which were unsurprisingly largely white and male — another reason why I think there should be more secret societies made by and containing us queermos.

Here are a few of the conclusions I’ve come to — while you don’t need the following to form a secret society, here are a few things that help:

A Reason To Band Together

This could be career advancement in a specific field or a diverse array of fields. It could be to share a hobby in a specific way that you like, and really not need to be a secret except for that you want it to be. It could be for mental health — your closest group with whom everyone knows they can speak freely and the thoughts, feelings and challenges you face and share won’t leave the circle. It could be for altruism where none of you want to take credit for donations or kind acts. The reasons to form band together are almost endless. But to find one, I suggest recalling the last conversation with your best friends where you began with “Man, I wish we had a _____” or “Y’all, I really wish we could _____” and then everyone else agreed.

A Kickass Induction Ceremony

It could be silly, it could be serious, it could be fun. But some how there has to be some mechanic in place to elect and induct new members. Be safe with this! Nothing dangerous or nonconsensual, nothing like hazing. Maybe a hike together done on a specific day or at a specific time of year. Maybe signing one’s name to the scrapbook of your adventures together. Maybe lighting a candle and burning a piece of paper with your fears written on it (fire safety fire safety fire safety everyone). The Induction Ceremony could relate to your reason to band together, but it doesn’t have to.

A Name and A Crest or Symbol

Because duh. This is just plain fun. The name you only say with each other. The crest to gather under. I found this really fun powerpoint on the internet with some heraldic crest inspiration, but you could take to Photoshop with an open heart and a head full of whimsy.

And Of Course, Your Secret Punch Recipe

Le’s get cracking!

Liquor In The Toys: Five Neato Burrito Toys I Want For My Bar

Feature image via Keyhug.

Bonjour and good day, my lovely queer possums. Did you guys know I have a bar in my apartment? Nothing cray cray, just a small bar that I have a crap ton of fun with. Still, I’m always coveting new and exciting things for my bar and you probably are too. Let’s covet these together (and perhaps treat ourselves), shall we?

via Amazon

1. A Manual Juicer

Orange-X Professional Juicer, $123.64.

Manual juicers are double awesome because a) they look super cool and heavy and awesome and b) they get a crap ton of juice out of citrus with minimal, minimal effort. I’m a big proponent of using fresh juice when you mix drinks—it’s a really easy way to up your game and make your cocktail a million times tastier. As of right now, I use one of those little plastic thingies to juice*. My oh my do I wish I had the big guns.

*I have actually since lost the little plastic thing I use to juice! It’s probably in a friend’s house where I have gone and mixed cocktails. Friends, if you are reading this and you think the extra plastic juicer you have might be mine, please give me a call.

via Amazon

2. Atomizer

Oenophilia Martini Atomizer, $7.85.

My favorite cocktail and my signature move is a Sazerac. It’s rumored to be the oldest cocktail, but I’ve found at least one resource that states that’s bullshit. Still, it’s old and it’s classic and it requires an absinthe rinse—yes, just a rinse. A rinse is when you coat the inside of the glass with a liquor instead of mixing it in. It makes a nice subtle flavor, especially when you’re playing with something as strong as absinthe. However, when I taught the attendees of the A-Camp whiskey tasting how to make one, I almost stopped 20 queermos’ breath when I dumped the rinsed absinthe out. Some people actually screamed. Sweet Lesbian Jesus! IT NEEDS TO BE A RINSE, PEOPLE. You’ll ruin the balance if you just leave it in there. I do recognize, however, that it is a little bit wasteful. The solution is this atomizer—basically a very fine spray apparatus that will let you coat the inside of a glass with just enough liquor. Waste not, want not.

via Amazon

3. Fancy Mixing Glass

Cocktail Kingdon Yarai Mixing Glass, $42.95.

When I make a stirred drink (basically anything without a fruit juice or eggs or cream), I just stir in a pint glass because I can. It works. However, something a bit wider (that doesn’t taper down like a pint glass) is always nice if you can get it—then you can make nice sweeping motions with your bar spoon without clanking the hell around and chipping ice and making your drink all weird and watery and just in general making a very unpleasant noise. Plus this would look really very pretty sitting on my bar next to my absinthe fountain. Speaking of which—

via Amazon

4. Replacement Pontarlier Glasses

Rue Verte Absinthe Pontarlier Glasses and Spoons (two of each), $40.99.

At one point in my life I had four beautiful reservoir glasses (used for preparing and drinking Absinthe) that I brought home from Paris with me. During some move or another, they did not make it into the rest of my possessions. I really want to repurchase these glasses—no need to measure, just fill the bottom “ball” with absinthe and then do the standard fountain drip over a sugar cube. Blammo.

*If any of my friends, family or former roommates are reading this and you wound up with my absinthe glasses, please return them and we can drink together!

via Fab.com

5. Whiskey Stones

Teroforma Whiskey Sones (set of 9), $17.50.

Many whiskeys actually are supposed to have a little water added to them, so many recommend using one ice cube with a large surface area (like those ice-balls or those really big square ones). However, there are those of us who are slow to drink (what, we like to savor it, okay?). I am one of those people, and if you are too you know the last half of that glass is basically whiskey flavored water. Enter whiskey stones—the cold stones will cool your drink and obvi they won’t melt. If the stones begin to melt, put down the whiskey. You have had enough.

Also, you know what whiskey stones are also good for? Cooling white wine in the glass when you have pre-planned enough to keep it in the fridge for the proper amount of time. This is a problem I have often. I should really get a set, is what I’m saying.

What are your neato burrito bar toys that you highly recommend to everyone? What kind of equipment are you coveting and slowly working up the justification to purchase? Please do share! I’m always looking for more neat bar toys to play with.

In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

Get Baked: Three Brilliant Blueberry Recipes To Try This Summer

Alert! Alert! Blueberries are in season! I recently came home to visit my dad and his wife, only to find 18 pounds of freshly-picked highbush organic New Jersey blueberries. They were gorgeous; as far from your typical grocery store blueberries as you can imagine. These berries were lucious and juicy, sweet but still tangy, practically as big as very small grapes.

Look at all these!! This is SERIOUS BUSINESS!

I did everyone a public service and baked things til my tongue turned purple! Here are some of the things I made:

Blueberry Crumb Cake

based on Blueberry Crumb Cake from Smitten Kitchen

STEP ONE: Prep

Heat the oven to 375°F. Butter a 9-inch round baking pan. Dust it with flour. Cut out a circle of parchment paper to fit in the bottom. (I did this step because I miraculously had parchment paper available to me. Probably it would be ok if you didn’t have the paper; it will just make it harder to get out at the end.)

Next, gather your ingredients.

Topping

• 5 Tbsp all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 4 Tbsp unsalted butter (that’s half a stick)
• pinch of salt

Cake

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 4 Tbsp softened unsalted butter (that’s the other half of the stick)
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1 lemon’s zest
• 1 large egg
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 1/2 cup fresh blueberries
• 1/2 cup unsweetened plain almond milk

STEP TWO: Topping

Combine the flour, sugar, cinnamon and salt together, and then cut the butter into it. I learned to cut butter in a time when I did not have a pastry blender available to me. I think I was like twelve. I tried to use the “two knives” method, but I didn’t have the fine motor skills for it and honestly I don’t think I do now, either. My preferred butter-cutting method is just with my fingers.

I start by cutting the butter into smallish cubes like so:

It should be a little soft, but not mushy.

And then I put them in the flour/sugar mixture:

Get the butter nice and coated with the sugar and flour mixture…

And then I pull them apart over and over again.

…make sure the butter keeps getting coated with the flour and sugar

At the end of the process, you can involve a fork to kind of smash things around.

I’m sure there is a better technique for this, but I promise it works this way, too.

The idea is to get it all crumbly, but not have the butter completely evenly distributed.

It’s all going to melt into itself when it bakes.

GOOD WORK. Now put it aside for later. I put it on the stove, which I didn’t realize was going to make it get hot because of the heat from the oven. This was not the worst thing later when it was time to put it on the cake, but if it had been on the oven much longer, it would have probably melted into a goo that would have been less than ideal.

STEP THREE: Cake

Whisk the flour, baking powder and salt together. In a different bowl, beat the butter, sugar and zest together. I used a hand mixer for this, but if you have a stand mixer it’d be worth it to pull it out, because while this is totally manageable, it’s gonna get less manageable.

Once the butter, sugar and zest are fluffy, add the egg and vanilla and beat it all together.

Ok, so now you have your wet ingredients, your dry ingredients, and your almond milk on the side. (Sidenote: I always prefer almond milk when baking because it’s easier on my stomach and it adds a subtle almond flavor that is rarely a bad thing.) First, beat 1/3 of the dry into the wet. THEN add half of the milk. THEN add another third of the dry, then the rest of the milk, then the rest of the dry. OK? Got it? Dry, milk, dry, milk, dry. You’re going to have really, really thick batter, but Deb says “don’t fret,” and if Deb says not to fret, there’s no need to, is there?

Then fold in those blueberries. Yes, all of them.

Now take your cake pan and dump the batter in. Spread it all around. Then sprinkle the topping on.

Bake for 40 minutes or until the top is kind of crunchy and a toothpick comes out clean.

STEP FOUR: Eat

We ate this to celebrate my aunt’s birthday! Happy Birthday Auntie Ali!

It’s like 50% blueberries and so very delicious.

Blueberry Basil Popsicles

I combined the abundant blueberries with abundant home-grown basil to make abundant popsicles. While you can certainly follow my recipe, I’d recommend you create your own modifications depending on what you have a ton of and/or really need to use.

(That’s the lemon I zested earlier!)

My ingredients:

• juice from half a lemon
• 3.5 cups blueberries
• a whole bunch of basil (I don’t have anything more specific to tell you other than I loosely filled a salad spinner. I know that’s not super helpful, but it’s better than nothing)
• 1/4ish cup sugar
• 1/2 cup water

Take your blueberries, mix them with the water and sugar and a little more than half the basil, and put them in a saucepan over medium heat until the sugar dissolves, the basil wilts, and everything is super dark purple.

Then fish out the basil. I am not sure why, but the internet suggested it, and I feel like it makes sense. because you don’t want a bunch of cooked basil in your ice pops.

Now let the blueberries cool. While you wait, juice your lemon half, maybe rip up the rest of the basil a little bit, get out the blender, and clean the kitchen.

Once the blueberries are cool, put everything in the blender and liquefy it for a good long time.

v pretty, but needs to be more liquid.

Then pour it into your popsicle molds.

I had exactly the right amount to make eight popsicles, which made me feel like a wizard.

Okay. So. Here’s how they turned out. On flavor, I’d give them a nine out of ten, but on texture they were only at like a five. They were too chunky! The blueberries weren’t totally liquefied before they went into the popsicle molds, but that wasn’t as much of an issue as the basil, which also wasn’t totally liquefied — some of the pieces were still kind of big, which is pretty weird in a popsicle. This is why when I say liquefy that stuff in the blender, I really mean liquefy. There might be something to be said for using an actual juicer if that’s something you have access to.

I still thoroughly enjoyed these with the family.

BlueberryTinis

Then I left the other four popsicles unattended while I went to Dyke March, and said remaining popsicles were appropriated for “BlueberryTinis.” I am told this involved, “blending the popsicles and adding a lot of gin.”

This is the lone photographic evidence of said BlueberryTinis, but I am assured that three of them led to a fun night and a rough next morning.

So that’s what I did when I had a zillion blueberries at my disposal. And let’s be honest – there were still a ton leftover in the freezer. How are you celebrating blueberry season?

Liquor On The Mountain: Three-Ingredient Drinks are the Bees’ Knees

Hello possum-friends! We’re at Camp this week, CAN YOU TELL? And one of the new workshops Alex Vega and I are running this Camp is cocktail making, and we’re focusing on three-ingredient drinks because they’re awesome and everyone who wants to mix drinks should know a few good ones.

Now I know sometimes I can get a little complicated with my drinks (like when I grew a special kind of mint just for a pun). But that’s because this is my fun and I get to pretend I’m a potions student at Hogwarts. Practically speaking, you want to know a couple of quick n’ easy drinks for surprise company or to prevent panic ordering at a bar with an unfamiliar spread.

It’s also good to know three ingredient drinks because they’re easy to scale in your head—if you’re mixing for you and a friend, just multiply everything by two real quick without having to write things out because otherwise you forget them and, what? No, of course when I double my complex drinks I don’t have to write it down and put it on my bar because I will almost definitely fuck it up if I don’t do that, you’re nuts.

Three-ingredient drinks are also easy to perfect to your taste — too sweet? Less of the sugar. Too sour? Less of the juice! Too drunk? Your alcohol ratio may be off. Because there are only three ingredients, nothing is doing subtle work and you can pick out your ‘culprit.’ It’s also then easy to riff on a three-ingredient drink if you want to do something more complex, which is easier to talk through if we’ve got an example in front of us. That brings me to today’s drink:

The Bees’ Knees

(or the Bee’s Knees? I’m choosing to go with the plural possessive because no one bee is responsible for the honey. Or we could call it the Beeses Kneeses.)

You will need:

• a shaker
• a jigger
• some ice
• 1/4 oz. honey
• 1/2 oz. lemon juice
• 2 oz. gin (I’m using The Botanist in my house, but we’ll be using Farmers Organic on the mountain).
• lemon peel to garnish
• and obvi a glass to serve it in. I’m using a jam jar DO YOU SEE A PATTERN HERE?

Fill your shaker about a third of the way full with ice. Have I ever said why you shake some drinks and stir others? I can’t remember. Shaking is reserved for things you really need to mix up like eggs or fruit juices or simple syrup. Stirring is for when the drink is made with ALL LIQUOR. (There are a few three-ingredient drinks that are all liquor — the Negroni pops to mind.) Never put seltzer, soda or tonic water in a shaker. You’d think I wouldn’t have to say that, because common sense, but the thing about people shaking drinks who don’t do it on the reg is that they’re usually a bit tipsy and logic no longer applies to them. I have received a few text messages asking me about seltzer in a shaker. But I digress, as there’s no seltzer in this recipe. Onward!

Juice your lemon! Slice your lemon length-wise for optimal juice. I don’t know why it works, but it does.

Measure out 1/2 oz. lemon juice and pour it into the icy shaker. Then go with the 1/4 oz. honey.

Now there’s almost no way you’re going to come out of this without a honey-finger. (My fiancée: “you could get a spoon or a knife so you could scrape it against the side or… or your finger, okay”) Life is more fun when you have a gal pal or other sort of buddy to lick it off for you.

Add the 2 oz. of gin and SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE.

Strain into a cute glass and serve to your cute pal.

Yoooo, why does my table look super red in this photo??

Now remember I was talking about three ingredient drinks being cool to riff on? Let’s figure out what kind of things we could do once we have this perfected. Oooh, oh, for a real easy variation, how about throwing in a 1/4 oz. of orange juice for funsies? Or, if you really want to Hogwarts it up, you could make a lavender infused gin and garnish with lavender! See, the possibilities are endless when you have a solid base. I bet y’all can come up with some other tasty variations on your own.

Liquor On the Mountain: Coppercraft Whiskey and a Guide to Single-Distillery Tastings

Hello whiskey whiskers! Every Camp, Alex Vega and I lead a whiskey tasting of some sort. Lately, we’ve been getting sponsors we love and centering our tasting around them. This time we love our sponsor so much, that we’re doing a tasting ENTIRELY with their whiskey. I’m here to talk about the benefits of doing that.

But first, let’s talk about how you can have a whiskey tasting where you live! The merits of such an idea are many: get your personal grease bats all over your house to hang out and bond is obviously the first one. Sometimes hanging out is easier with a lightly-structured activity. Light structure appeals to many different levels of social angst.

Then the other benefit is that when you pool your groups money to purchase four or five bottles of whiskey, it might actually be cheaper than a night out on the town. It certainly is in New York City, where I live. Having people over and drinking in my apartment is infinitely less stressful for my wallet, even if the upfront costs seem higher.

And lastly, I love getting queer women and non-binary folks and basically anyone who’s not a straight cis white dude into an area of interest and expertise typically dominated by straight cis white dudes. Hosting a queermo whiskey tasting night helps break the hegemony of aged spirits, and to that I say huzzah.

Now onto my reason to consider a single-distillery tasting. In the past, we’ve made sure to taste many different whiskeys to get as wide a variety as possible. This is a great tactic because then the breadth of differences is what you talk about; the contrast between the wildly different whiskeys. But! It does mean that at the end of our whiskey tasting, our tasters come away with a great understanding of differences, but not so much opportunity to talk about similarities and to find unified things they like in a whiskey. And ultimately, that’s one of the many goals to choose from when participating in a whiskey tasting — sure, to find individual whiskeys that you enjoy. But also to find similarities so that when you’re faced with a menu or with a shelf full of bottles you never seen, you know what questions to ask to figure out what new thing you’re likely to enjoy. As an example, I know I like rye whiskeys that have a bit of spice on the finish because I’ve tasted quite a few of them and I’ve never met one I didn’t like.

Limitting a tasting to one specific distillery is like reading something you like and then picking up every book the author ever wrote. Becoming familiar with one distillery’s whiskeys gives you the chance to talk about their body of work as a whole, which is a really interesting way to discuss things — where can you sense the commonalities? What would you describe this distillery’s style as? It also allows a group of people to develop an expertise relatively quickly. This year, we picked Coppercraft. I became acquainted with them when Autostraddle reader Jenney Grant emailed me. She works there and felt very strongly that we would love Coppercraft and Coppercraft would love us; she was correct.

Coppercraft is a fairly new craft distillery that makes a bunch of different things—we actually featured their gin in our winter drink this year (remember the Perfect Penguin Martinis?). This won’t be the first time I’m tasting their aged whiskeys — here’s what we’re drooling over this Camp.

100% Corn Whiskey

This is definitely on the sweeter side of whiskey, perfect for people who are just starting out on their whiskey journey. Hints of caramel!

High Wheat Whiskey

I really like that you can taste the farm on this one, and by that I mean that it both tastes balanced but like grain. I grew up in New Jersey, which contrary to popular belief still has farms in it, and this taste reminds me of walking around when farmers were cutting crops down. A real earthy taste, still sweet on the nose and oat-esque on the finish.

Rye Malt Whiskey

Here’s exactly what I was talking about above. Rye whiskeys are my favorite, especially ones with a bit of spice. While this finishes smooth (without kicking me in the teeth), it doesn’t leave me wanting on the spice. Just before that easy finish, there’s a lovely peppercorn note that gives way to not throwing a tantrum in my mouth (which is what I picture ryes doing when they’re not balanced the way I like). Just lovely. Highly recommend.

Applejack

Okay, so it’s not strictly a whiskey. This liquor made from apples is, in my opinion, closer to its French cousin Calvados, which I believe is technically a brandy. Sometimes I find Applejack too sweet for me, but this one finishes with a sort of pie spice. That really makes it. I also highly recommend the Dutch Tulip cocktail that Coppercraft has on their website—really great, and definitely fits nicely with our State Fair theme this year.

Pulling It All Together

Okay, so remember I said tasting one distillery let’s you talk about their body of work as a whole? Here are some cool ways of thinking about commonalities as well as differences as you taste through a distillery’s greatest hits.

Going In Blind: pick a host in your group of friends who knows what each liquor is about and have them pour the small tastes before everyone can see the whiskeys. Hide the bottles and line up the glasses in a designated order. The tasters can then taste down the line WITHOUT knowing which whiskey they’re tasting until the end. Not only does that make for a fun reveal scenario, but it wipes out biases you might have (*ahem* my rye bias *ahem*).

The Adjective Exercise: as you taste, write down not just the flavors you’re getting from each whiskey, but the adjectives that can also describe them. Earthy, smooth, fire-esque — go bananas. Challenge yourself to use adjectives you never thought you’d use with food. When you’re done, see which adjectives you’ve used more times than others. Do you think these adjectives describe the distillery as a whole?

Are You Related?: if the adjectives don’t suit you, make a family tree. Which whiskeys are close sisters? Which is the big mamma of the bunch? Is there one that doesn’t taste like it belongs with the set at all?

For more information on the mechanics of tasting whiskey, please visit:

• How to Drink: Whiskey
• Liquor On The Mountain: We’re Having a Whiskey Tasting And You Should Too
• Liquor on the Mountain: Taste These Whiskeys!
• Liquor on the Mountain: Our Whiskey Tasting Line Up

If whiskey’s not your thing and you’re not quite sure how you got here, I highly recommend this.

All images are courtesy of Coppercraft’s website.

Sober in the City: Adventures in Sober Dating

feature image via Stocksy

Google “Alcoholics Anonymous” + “dating.” The search results can be as anxiety producing as when you Google your cold symptoms. Nestled between dating sites, you’ll find articles describing the difficulties of sober dating (Colin Farrell called sober sex “terrifying”), stories of new romance triggering relapses, and conflicting advice regarding who and when you should date. I wish that I could say that these articles are just clickbait scare tactics. But dating was truly one of the most challenging aspects of my sobriety.

via Elite Daily

For starters, I had been in an addict relationship for 12 years prior to getting sober. As soon as I got sober, my partner, who was still using, dumped me. In addition to not being able to fully accept the idea of never EVER drinking again, I could not wrap my head around having to jump back into the dating scene – sober no less. Where would I find suitable dating candidates? How do I “come out” as sober? It’s bad enough that the queer dating pool is incredibly small. Now, I had to contend with the fact that some people would be averse to dating a sober recovering addict. Even worse is that substance abuse rates are higher in the LGBTQ community than in the mainstream population, making my dating pool ever smaller. Even worse, WORSE is the centrality of bars to LGBTQ culture, making where I could meet people even smaller still!!!

At first, I thought I would meet sober queer women to date in one of my recovery programs, perhaps someone in AA who could relate to my struggles and not lead me astray. I knew of a few sober folks who met their long-term significant others in the program and their relationships stood as powerful examples of supportive, functional sober love. That idea was quickly smashed when my sponsor told me, “Don’t shit where you eat.” I fully understood what they meant by that when I began to regularly witness the aftermath of AA breakups. People in the group took sides and former lovers would no longer feel safe sharing their experiences in a room with their exes.

via Autostraddle

Then there were stories of “relapse relationships.” Here’s the gist: Two recovering addicts together can be like gasoline just waiting for a match. One relapses, and the other soon follows. BOOM! Thus, I was told I should avoid dating other addicts at all costs and instead go for a “normie,” someone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol and who would not be down for any hardcore shenanigans. While some people in the program were advising me to stay away from anyone who was a recovering addict, others were advising me to stay away from anyone who drinks even a drop! Basically, this left no one. Yeah, that wasn’t going to work.

So, I decided to start my quest for single gals at the lesbian bar. I rolled into the local lezzie watering hole a few times with my sober crew as backup. I figured if anything went awry, I could easily bounce and never return because I no longer relied on bars as my primary source for entertainment and socializing. I eventually met someone (I’ll call her “Jane”), we exchanged numbers, and made plans for our first date. Jane suggested that we meet at a bar and I was simply too afraid to tell her that I would prefer to meet elsewhere. When I arrived for the date, Jane was waiting and already drinking… and drinking HARD. As the night progressed, Jane kept knockin’ em back and, of course, asking me to keep up. I would offer to order our drinks at the bar to avoid having to come out as sober: “One vodka cran, and one cran and seltzer. No, just cran and seltzer on the second one. No, just cran and seltzer, no vodka. Thanks!”

By the end of our date, I had a gut feeling that this wasn’t going to be a love connection. However, I wanted to give Jane the benefit of the doubt. Many people drink as a means of easing social anxiety, and first dates are terribly anxiety producing. But, one night, soon after our date, Jane sent me a slew of drunk text messages that got increasingly confrontational. Jane was upset that I wasn’t responding to her messages in a timely enough fashion (even though I was at an AA meeting and celebrating the sober anniversary of one of my pals). I sat there reading the messages, not knowing how to respond. I was dead ass sober to the core, and she was trying to define the nature of our relationship via drunk texts. The following day, Jane sent me another round of back-to-back text messages, this time apologizing for her intoxicated badgering. I had to move on…

via Accidental Extrovert

Several failed dates later, a sober friend decided to play matchmaker and suggested that I date one of her “normie” friends, who I will call “Linda.” Even though Linda and I had absolutely nothing in common, I was still hopeful. After all, I didn’t meet Linda in a bar, she wasn’t in the rooms, and many people meet their significant others through mutual friends. Linda suggested that we connect for a lunch date. She lived in the suburbs, so I borrowed a car to pick her up. As we drove through her town, she asked me to turn into a parking lot, which led to a Wendy’s drive-through. Linda instructed me to pull up to the drive-through window and said, “Order anything you want.” I proceeded to eat my mandarin orange chicken salad overlooking a gas station and cramped in the front seat of the borrowed car. That is the absolute perfect date in some situations. But for a “getting to know you” date, this wasn’t my jam.

via Teen

Fast forward to my current fiancé. Many more dates after the Wendy’s incident, I met my lovely gal (who I will call “Bestest”) through one of my co-workers. By that time, I had lost hope, but thought Bestest was hot. I figured that I’d least shoot for the hookup and asked her out for dinner. Hours into the date, I realized I was in big trouble: I was already digging this woman A LOT! We went on several subsequent dates and I noticed that she rarely drank and was totally up for alcohol-free adventures. We held hands on the ferris wheel at Coney Island. We danced at an underground nightclub where one of my favorite DJs was spinning old-school soul on vinyl. We attended Yankees games, operas, and drag performances – all sans liquor. And the best part was she never questioned why I didn’t drink! Still, I didn’t have the guts to tell her that I was a recovering addict. I figured she’d run the other way. One day, we were sitting in a coffee shop, mad vibing, and I realized that I had to come out. It went something like this:

Me: I really like you a lot, but I have to come clean about something.

Her: [Look of horror] Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Me: I’m a sober, recovering alcoholic. I do not drink and am working to never drink again in my lifetime.

Her: Oh, whew. I thought it was something else. THANK GOD! I’m totally cool with that. I hate drinking and would only drink on rare occasions because I felt like I had to fit in. Now, I can have a sober partner in crime. Tell me more…

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER: me and my bae:

via Hova and B

The point of all this: I really don’t have much advice to give about the “right” way to sober date. I cannot tell you who will be the right match for you (a “normie,” another recovering addict, etc.), when you should start dating after getting sober (a few months, a year, two, three), how you should come out as sober, or how your dates will react to you being a recovering addict. What I can tell you is:

1. Expect sober dating to be challenging
2. Accept the adventure
3. Surround yourself with sober support
4. Put your sobriety first
5. Be kind to yourself

All the rest will fall into place. And, if you’re doing the work to be the best you can be, you will attract the best of what’s out there!

Gouda Have It: Staycation Cheese Plates, Because Cheese

Ali here: Cheese is so good. It’s so good, I camembert it. I liked cheese before, but then I lived in France and I got super spoiled and particular about my cheese. When you’re Staycationing, a cheese plate is a wonderful thing whether you’re hosting company or you plan to eat that entire board all by your fucking self (I support you in this). But y’all, you wouldn’t believe how many humans I’ve met who approach putting together a cheese plate — and pairing it with wine or other drinks — like it’s nuclear physics. Sure, there are best practices, but y’all. It’s cheese. It’s hard to fail.

The Basics of Getting Your Cheese Together

There are four categories of cheese — Aged, Soft, Firm and Blue. If you’re not sure how to go about setting up your first cheese plate, picking one cheese from each category is a good way to start. It ensures a fairly well-rounded plate that pairs with a lot of different things.

Another way to pick your cheeses is to select those made from the same kind of milk — an all sheep’s milk or all goat’s milk plate are popular options. (We’ve even got an all-goat’s-milk plate further down the page.) Picking a theme can serve to unify your plate and make you less crazy by narrowing down options from “all cheese” to “just these kinds of cheeses.” Doing a tour of a region, a tasting of a particular farm’s cheese, or an exploration of one of the four types of cheese (“Blue Cheese Bonanza,” anyone?) can be good jumping off points. Get down with your bad themes — make an assembly cheese plate where everything can transform into a tiny sandwich, or go with Cheese That Reminds You Of Bette Porter. Go wild! It is your cheese day.

If you’re serving a stinky cheese or an extremely soft cheese, make sure you put them out separately — that stinky cheese is likely to beat up the other cheeses and take their lunch money. If you’re serving company, make sure to serve at least one “accessible” (read: popular, not too stinky) cheese, even if the rest of what you’ve selected is hardcore Roquefort.

Cheese plates aren’t just cheese, either — you can serve bread, fruit, pickles, nuts, even chocolate! The name of the game here is diversity of texture and flavor. Definitely pick things that you can smear cheese on/put on top of the firmer cheeses. Speaking of pairing…

The Basics of Pairing Cheese With Drinks And Such

Presumably you won’t just be eating this plate — you’ll probably be drinking something with it too. The most popular option is wine and that could be one entire post, just on pairing cheese and wine together. There are cheesy (lol) sayings like “What Grows Together Goes Together,” so if a goat and a grape come from the same area, that goat cheese probably goes well with that wine. Then there are tannins to consider (I like to pair tannic wines with cheese that can be compared to butter: super heavy cheese, warm flavors). But here’s a secret — I cheat. There is a cheat sheet that I use when I don’t want to experiment with a pairing and risk looking like a wine n00b. There are only two things I can definitively say for sure without a cheat sheet when it comes to pairing wines and cheeses:

1. Never pair Cabernet Sauvignon with any cheese that has pepper added to it; black pepper changes the way Cabs taste, and mostly not for the better. I learned this from my fiancée when she spent three months in Napa making wine.
2. Riesling goes with a lot, so if your plate is super varied, it’s a good option. Which is too bad for me, because Riesling isn’t my favorite.

Keep in mind, though, that cheese doesn’t just pair with wine. You can pair cheese with whiskey, for example, or tequila or rum. You can pair cheese with artisanal soda or no-alcohol mocktails. And because I think eating anything is a total experience, you can pair cheese with activities you are doing (i.e., A Cheese Plate for Meeting One Million Deadlines, or The Netflix Marathon Cheese Plate). Basically, when it comes to experimenting with these pairs, knowing the following things helps:

1. The flavors of the things you’re pairing — that’s why grocery stores and farmers’ markets with samples out are my jam. Usually I know what the wine, whiskey or other such drink tastes like. I just need to taste the cheese before committing.
2. Whether you want to complement or contrast. Either is good, they’re just different effects. Do you want to contrast a sweet wine by pairing it with a salty cheese? Or would you prefer to pick up the fruity notes with something lighter? Your choice.
3. Whether any of the flavors is particularly strong. I like to say that if the flavors of the things you’re pairing would be equal to each other in a cage match, they’ll pair fine. One flavor shouldn’t be substantially stronger than everything else, or everything’s going to taste like that one thing — think like that stinky cheese we sat in a corner by itself when we were making the cheese plate. If we didn’t serve it separately, it would just overwhelm everything.

The Golden Rule

Speaking of “your choice,” remember how I said Riesling isn’t my fave? To me, even though Riesling is supposed to go with a lot, it’s never going to taste as good to me as, say, a Cabernet Sauvignon. It just isn’t. Which is to say, for me Riesling doesn’t go with everything. That’s what the Golden Rule of Cheese Pairings is about:

If you think it tastes good together, it tastes good together. And fuck what experts say if you think they’re wrong.

Taste is super subjective — and sure, there are people who really fucking know what they’re talking about. It can be fun to try their pairings to see if you agree, but you are not required to acquiesce to the cheese authorities. Damn the man, have your cheese plate. You are the authority on your own taste buds.

That goes for us too — we’re going to give you some example cheese plates to get your noggin inspired, but here’s the thing. You can ignore us. You can ignore us and follow your heart. Or you can do what we did; the following plates are tried and true.

Advanced Cheese Plating, Courtesy of Team Autostraddle

Ali’s Whiskey Lunch + Deadlines Plate

Photo by Abby

Because sometimes Staycations have to be Working Staycations, which I define as paying more attention to my emotions and stress level than I normally do and treating myself. Treating myself in this case can be defined by the presence of Brenne Whisky during lunch hours. Not something I do often (or ever) because I get tipsy comically quickly, but hey. It’s Sunday (while I’m writing this, at least). I’m writing a novel. I need to treat myself sometimes, because turns out writing a novel is really fucking difficult. This cheese plate is intended for three people all of whom are working on projects at our dining room table and is built to pair nicely with Brenne Whisky, a French single malt on the sweeter side with undertones of Cognac and Bananas. Brenne Whisky, by the way, is a former A-Camp Whiskey Tasting sponsor and we all lost our minds over it.

• Silhouette Goat Cheese from the Ardith Mae Farm (with vegetable ash — it’s actually not a blue cheese, but it kinda looks like one). Has a nice smokey flavor with the lovely creaminess that the goat cheese. Chosen to contrast the Brenne and to put it in the context of a flavor profile more common to single malts.
• Edamer from Hawthorne Valley Farm. This is like cheddar, but a little lighter and less sharp. Chosen to compliment the Brenne — I thought a sharper cheddar would overwhelm some of the Brenne’s more delicate, fruity notes.
• Aged Gouda from the grocery store on the corner. This is my more accessible cheese, and I wanted a Gouda without the smoked aspect since we already have a lighter smokey flavor with the Silhouette — I thought more smoke would be too much smoke for such a light single malt.
• Pink Lady apples
• Baguette (Hot Bread Kitchen)
• Pickles
• Carrots
• Aged Parmesan Cheese Ranch Dressing (all cheese, all the time)
• Dark chocolate. This was also chosen specifically to pair with the whiskey, because the whiskey does have a banana quality to it. Dark chocolate goes with it swimmingly.

Pairs well with: Brenne Whiskey, duh. But I also think this would pair well with some medium-bodied red wines and some medium ales. Basically the keyword here is “medium.”

Laura Mandanas’s Gilmore Girls Plate For Two

This cheese plate was delicious, obviously, but what was really great about this arrangement was that there were lots of munchies, everything went with everything else, and I remembered to put out multiple cheese knives. My girlfriend and I found this perfect for TV watching, because it ultimately meant less time futzing with the food and more time staring into Rory and Lorelei Gilmore’s beautiful baby blues. Goodness gracious, I do love those girls.

• Goat cheese
• Halawi Dates
• Ginger Shortbread
• Pepitas
• Blue cheese
• California Mandarinquat
• Pecan
• Italian Table Cheese
• Sharp Cheddar with Almond Crust
• Flying Chocolate Pig with Bacon
• Brie
• Table Crackers

Pairs well with: Gilmore Girls and root beer.

Maddie’s No Cows Allowed Goat’s Milk Plate

This is a GOAT’S MILK ONLY plate. I visited the fine cheese monger known as Trader Joe, picked his finest [only] cheeses made from goat’s milk. The chevre with herbs was delightfully predictable. The cheddar was sharp, flavorful and much more crumbly than your average cow cheddar. The goat gouda was the surprise favorite: rich, smooth and nice with the apple.

• Goat chevre with “fine herbs”
• Goat milk cheddar
• Goat milk gouda
• Grapes
• Oven-roasted asparagus
• Gala apple
• Multigrain baguette

Pairs well with: the cheapest red wine you can find.

Carmen’s Haus Meeting Plate

I’ve recently moved into a new house with Skinz, my forever BFF, and a new and amazing and really fancy roommate named Hillary. And everything is white! Like, everything you guys. The hardwood floors are white. The walls are white or soon-to-be-painted white. The furniture has a creamy glaze. The couch is — yep — white. Even her dog is white, which means no matter what color I wear now you can see dog hair on me! Yay!

I made us a cheese plate for our first-ever haus meeting because nobody can be happy without cheese and also, killing two birds with one cheesy stone is my idea of a good time. I totally coincidentally chose a lot of light cheeses and then ate them alongside a Stella Artois, which is so light it’s pretty much clear. What I’m saying here is, the cheese matched the decor matched the drinks: all white everything.

On this cheese plate:

• Stolen Sharp White Cheddar Cheese, like literally stolen cheese from Skinz’s old house.
• Jarlsberg Semi-Soft Part-Skim Cheese, which is creamy and actually amazing and not that much money!
• Cabot Pepper Jack Cheese because I love spice and also because this is a super-thrifty cheese choice.
• Brie, because we needed something you could really put all over…
• Homemade Rolls, which I loved and don’t find ugly at all.

Pairs well with: white walls, white floors and white wine (lol). Also the aforementioned Stella.

Rachel’s Vegan Dreamin’ Cheese Plate

Hello this is your resident vegan speaking. I am a wacko who is super into vegan cheese; I’m not usually crazy about the storebought brands, but I like making and eating cheese-esque situations at home. If you are also into this, I highly recommend Miyoko Schinner’s cookbook on this. I didn’t have time to make any of her recipes this week but they’re pretty sweet. Here’s what I did make:

• Coconut milk cheddar made from this recipe (meltable!)
• Multigrain artisanal cracker situation
• Creamy mascarpone-ish cashew cheese
• Medjool dates
• Kite Hill almond cheese from Whole Foods (I’m actually not wild about this, especially not at $10 for 4 oz, but it was worth a shot)
• Gala apple slices

Pairs well with: cheap red wine and watching Medium on Netflix

Liquor In The Snow Day: Perfect Penguin Martinis

Ah, the martini — one of the classics that everyone who drinks should know how to order and how to make. As with a Manhattan, there are three varieties. Sweet, made with sweet vermouth (sometimes called Italian vermouth); dry, made with dry vermouth (sometimes called French vermouth); and medium, made with both. Unlike the Manhattan, though, my personal favorite martini isn’t a medium. It’s a dry. And all the better! All one needs to make a dry martini is the gin, the vermouth and some orange bitters — things you might already have in your bar. Well, and a garnish, but we’ll get to that in a sec. Let’s chat a bit more about the drink itself first.

Liquor Choice

I usually say when you’re mixing, you don’t have to use “the good stuff.” That rule is not true for a martini. This is one of those drinks where you do want to use the good stuff, understanding of course that everyone has their own version of the good stuff. Personally, I’m using Noilly Prat dry/French vermouth and Coppercraft Distillery’s Gin. Full disclosure, Coppercraft did send me a tester of their gin and went through it with me in a Skype tasting — but as y’all know, I never feature any liquor in this column that I wouldn’t serve to my guests, regardless of how I was originally introduced to it. Anyhow, I think the notes that come forward for me in this gin (the orange and the nutmeg, in particular) are what makes it completely perfect for our wintery martinis.

Stirred, Not Shaken

I also want to address the travesty that is the James Bond martini. So many well-meaning people don’t argue with 007 on this one, and they order their martinis shaken, not stirred. This fucks up a perfectly good drink—know that when you do this, you are asking for a watered down cloudy weird martini. I suppose that it does make sense that a super spy would want a watery martini. He needs to keep his wits about him, after all. But that’s no reason for us to mess with an otherwise pretty perfect cocktail.

So What Makes It A Penguin Martini?

Everything I’ve mentioned up until this point goes for a regular dry martini — so what makes a martini into a Perfect Penguin Martini? The garnish, of course! The standard garnish for any kind of martini is a lemon twist, not an olive or anything savory like that. By all means, you can make these martinis and just garnish with a lemon twist. Or even the boring sort of olives that you just pop on a toothpick. But to make a Penguin Martini, the Penguin is necessary. Now the first time I saw these little guys, my fiancée’s aunt was the one that showed them to me and they had little cream cheese bellies. I can’t think of something I’d want less in my dry martini — cream cheese, blerg. Belongs on bagels. So I scoured the internet and found a version using cocktail onions that we’re going to riff on today. For those of you wondering why the hell we’re going to all this trouble for the garnish, just remember: the point of garnish is that final presentation. It’s what turns a good drink into a great one. It’s about the experience of drinking—the way the garnish makes the drink smell when a person holds it to their lips, the way it makes the drink look (in this case, damn adorable). And because the garnish takes a bit of time to make, I’m going to recommend starting with the garnish and ending with the actual mixing of the martini. So without further ado—

The Penguin Garnish

These are so, so easy, just go with me on this.

You will need:

1 can small olives

1 can large olives

1 jar cocktail onions

a carrot

toothpicks

a good, sharp knife

Begin by slicing the base of a carrot—cut the nibbly end off and then slice a coin.

Take that coin and cut a tiny lil’ pie wedge out of it.

Now grab one of your large olives—slice it from the hole right on down (lol) so that you can open it up along one side.

Stuff an onion in there. It should look like this:

Using a toothpick, stick the olive/onion combo onto the carrot coin that you took a slice out of. Make sure the white of the onion is facing toward the slice in the carrot coin.

Now grab one of the small olives. Take that tiny pie-slice of carrot and locate the end of the olive that looks like someone stamped an asterisk into it. Shove the pie-slice of carrot into the asterisk.

Now find your almost-penguin and stick this, the head, onto the sticky-outy bit of the toothpick. Arrange the head to look like a head.

Optional: grab a chive and tie it around its tiny penguin neck like a wee scarf.

The Dry Martini

You will need:

gin (again, I’m using Coppercraft)

French/dry vermouth (Noilly Prat)

orange bitters (Fee Brothers)

a jigger

a hawthorne strainer

a mixing glass, spoon and ice

a martini glass

Chill your martini glass by filling it with ice. Set it aside.

Fill your mixing glass with ice. Add 3.5 oz of gin.

And 0.5 oz of dry vermouth.

Finish with a dash of orange bitters and stir. When it comes to stirring, by the way, try not to clank the ice too much. It breaks the ice down in the drink, which isn’t what you want. Plus you don’t want to assault the ears with that terrible ice-banging sound.

Empty your martini glass of ice and strain your martini into the chilled glass. Pop a penguin in! Serve to the blizzard guests playing boardgames on your dining room table. Join in their board game fun. I love board games.

So how about you? How do y’all like your martinis? How are y’all fairing with all this snow out there?

All photos courtesy of Abby.

Get Baked: Incredibly Easy Spiced Mulled Wine

This is a guide for people who like to drink fancypants alcohol in the winter, but don’t actually like to put pants on. (So, probably all of you.)

To help you achieve your goals in life, I’ve ranked these recipes in decreasing order of difficulty. Spoiler: they’re all really easy.

Note that the last two include specific brand recommendations, but really I just want you to know that such things exist. If you can’t find those, I recommend that you make Recipe #1, give the wine in your glass a vigorous swirl, and put on your best Cersei Lannister resting bitch face. Then go to your local wine store and ask about their spiced wine options.

“What do you mean you don’t carry glogg? When will this situation be rectified?”

Easy: Spiced Mulled Wine With Cranberries

This cranberry and cinnamon mulled wine is just the best thing. It’s fancy, yummy, and so, so easy to make. The taste is bold, tart and only a little sweet (but you can easily make it sweeter by dumping more sugar in). You’re going to love it.

Ingredients

• 1 3/4 cup cranberry juice cocktail
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 cinnamon sticks
• 3 pieces of star anise
• 5 whole cloves
• 1/2 cup fresh cranberries
• 1 bottle cheap red wine (preferably something dry, like a Malbec, Merlot or Cab)

Instructions

1. Cut the cranberries in half with a knife or kitchen shears. Put everything in the crockpot except the wine. Turn it to high, put the lid on, and go do something else for a little bit. Like, maybe watch an episode of Transparent. Ideally you want to let the liquid to heat up and absorb the flavor from the spices for about half an hour.

2. Remove the lid and stir until all the sugar is dissolved. Pour the bottle of wine in and turn the heat to low/warm.

3. Ladle yourself a cup of hot wine and drink.

Tip: After you’ve made the recipe the first time, put the spices in your cabinet and freeze the leftover cranberries. Then the next time you want to make it, the only thing you’ll (possibly) need to put pants on for is to fetch some more wine and cranberry juice!

Easier: Die Hochland Imker Winter Mead

Die Hochland Imker Winter Mead

If you want something you can keep handy to throw together for last minute house guests, this winter mead is for you. The mead uses honey that’s made from flowers, giving it a very sweet (if one-note) taste. However, the bottle comes with an attached packet of spices — vanilla pods, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg — that vastly improve this beverage. Like, this drink is something that wouldn’t be out of place in a Redwall book. It’s awesome.

Follow the instructions on the packet to heat the mead on the stovetop until simmering. Add the spices and infuse for 10 minutes. Then strain the mixture and drink.

Tip:  You can use a tea ball for infusion if you want to skip straining at the end.

 Easiest: Hetta Glögg

Hetta Glögg

It really doesn’t get any easier than this, kids. Hetta Glögg is a premixed spiced wine. You don’t even have to add anything to it!

The bottle recommends simmering it on the stove before drinking, but honestly, it’s good over ice or even right out of the bottle. Or if you prefer it warm but don’t want to get a pot dirty, pour some glögg into a mug and pop it in the microwave for a quick spin! There is no wrong way to drink this.

Tip:  Still want more? Check out Ali’s mulled wine recipe.

Here’s Your Christmas Movie Drinking Game

I believe this is heaven

It’s Christmas time which means it’s CHRISTMAS MOVIE TIME. There are Christmas movies on every channel of the television pretty much 24/7. My favorites are probably National Lampoon, A Muppet Christmas Carol and Home Alone. The worst ones are on Hallmark or Lifetime and almost always about single Moms who work too much whose children want them to date former Saved by the Bell cast members or that guy from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and enjoy the spirit of Christmas. It’s pretty awesome. I’ll watch all of them, I can’t help it, I’m a Jew who loves Christmas and bad Christmas movies. LET’S GET WASTED.

One drink for the first appearance of the following archetypal characters:

• Workaholic Parent
• Precocious child in a puffy coat and/or sporting a bowl cut
• Mall Santa Claus
• City girl returning home to the country from the big city
• Father in the service who is overseas for Christmas
• Christmas Fanatic
• Rutheless businessperson who doesn’t understand the spirit of Christmas
• Santa Claus’ unruly son / nephew / brother
• Talking animal
• Angel
• Ghost
• Suspiciously wealthy journalist or writer

Two drinks for the first appearance of the following archetypal characters:

• Workaholic Single Mom
• Actual Santa Claus
• Father in the service who comes home for Christmas (three drinks if it’s a surprise)

One drink for cast members who:

• Were in the original Beverly Hills 90210
• Were in Saved by the Bell
• Had a major role in a popular ’90s sitcom
• Are Meredith Baxter
• Are Kevin Sorbo

Two drinks for cast members who:

• Were in the original Beverly Hills 90210 and Saved by the Bell

One drink if:

• City slicker ruins her clothes or breaks her shoes in a country situation
• Precocious child tries to set up single parent with a handsome man (two drinks if he turns out to be Santa Claus)
• Rich person’s privilege is humbled and transformed by extended interactions or friendship with a poor person
• Rich person takes steps to evict good people from their homes, neighborhoods, small businesses and/or Christmas shows OR destroy their charitable or otherwise noble works during the holiday season
• Somebody throws a fundraiser (e.g., calendar, party, performance) to save a home, neighborhood, small business and/or Christmas show OR to prevent the destruction of their charitable or otherwise noble works during the holiday season
• An adult is inspired to believe in Santa or a child proves that Santa is real
• A little kid gets the gift he always wanted from a Scrooge-type person
• A Gift of the Magi situation shakes down
• Somebody cries while looking at a Christmas tree
• Bad guy has to step in and play Santa
• Parent succeeds in finding their child that one special toy they wanted for Christmas
• Somebody burns the turkey
• A scene is set at the North Pole
• Somebody is wearing more than four pieces of Christmas flair at once
• Mistletoe makes something so awkward

One drink whenever anybody in the movie uses the following phrases:

• The spirit of Christmas
• The true meaning of Christmas
• Where’s your Christmas spirit?
• But it’s Christmas!
• But only Santa can [something]!
• Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
• We’re gonna have an old-fashioned family Christmas!

Two drinks if:

• City slicker finds the true meaning of Christmas in the country
• Ruthless business-person finds the true meaning of Christmas in down-home people’s attempts to stave off his ruthless business-personing
• Bad weather forces bad guy to stick around in the presence of good people until he is wearing plaid and ice skating with a smile
• Heartless Christmas-hater switches bodies or travels through time in order to understand the true meaning of Christmas
• We’re treated to gratuitous male shirtlessness in a Lifetime movie
• Someone time travels in the presence of a ghost
• Somebody cancels Christmas
• Workaholic quits their job to be there for their family on Christmas
• Inanimate thing comes to life and saves Christmas

Three drinks if:

• Family member employs 3+ methods of transportation to access family Christmas celebration
• When the hero is redeemed, it starts to snow
• Clark Griswold gets all the lights to turn on
• Anybody sings “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

25 Pumpkin Beers, Ranked with Commentary

Some people seem to think we have reached our saturation point when it comes to pumpkin spice-flavored things, which seems pretty fair, actually, since you can now purchase everything from pumpkin spice lattes to pumpkin spice Oreos to pumpkin spice ChapStick to pumpkin spice dog treats. I get the backlash, I really do — but I refuse to be deterred by it! Autumn means one thing to me: pumpkin beer season, and oh, what a tasty, tasty season it has been.

I made a spreadsheet at the beginning of September to chart my months-long pumpkin beer tasteapalooza. Below are my findings, 25 pumpkin beers ranked from least awesome to most awesome, along with my verbatim tasting notes, which are mostly conversations between me and my girlfriend and/or me and my best friends.

25. Blue Point Pumpkin Ale (6% ABV)
“Eh, tastes like an Oktoberfest with some Allspice thrown in as an after thought.” “Yeah, I expected it to be a lot more syrupy, which would not have been better, but would have seemed more like a Blue Point fruit/veggie beer. Like their blueberry ale.” “That blueberry ale is a terrible beer, but it would make a fucking delicious pancake topping.”

24. Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat (5.2% ABV)
“Remember when your dad bought us those Shock Tops?” “He thought they were like the most exclusive craft beers on the market. I didn’t have the heart to be like, ‘Yeah, Shock Top is really just Anheuser-Busch, Dad.’ He loves Heineken, though. He thinks Heineken is world class.” “This tasted like any old Shock Top to me.” “Yeah. It’s whatever. It’s like the Budweiser of pumpkin beers.”

23. Blue Moon Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale (5.7% ABV)
“I don’t mind a Blue Moon if my choice is between it and whatever other MillerCoors thing.” “This is fine. I wouldn’t go out in the rain to buy a six pack of it, but I wouldn’t complain if it’s all we had in the fridge. I mean, I’d complain if that’s all we ever had in the fridge, but on a cold, rainy Sunday, it would do.”

22. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale (5.7% ABV)
“Did you know the former mayor of Boston is named Sam Adams and he plays Kyle MacLachlan’s assistant mayor on Portlandia?” “Burn me once with tea, shame on me. Burn you twice in your own mouth, shame on everyone involved! “This beer was fine. Better than Blue Moon by juuuust a smidgen.”

21. Magic Hat Wilhelm Scream Pumpkin Ale (5.4% ABV)
“Does this taste kind of sour to you?” “I mean, kind of? But mostly it just tastes watered down. Like watered down pumpkin and spices.” “That’s too bad. Magic Hat is so good sometimes.” “And so average other times. I still love a Circus Boy on any warm day. Circus Boy is what keeps me coming back to Magic Hat. Wilhelm Scream would not, but the name is funny.”

20. Wolaver’s Organic Pumpkin Ale (5.35% ABV)
“This is okay. Not too sweet, not too spicy, not too malty, not too hoppy.” “It’s not bad, but it’s not exciting.” “Yeah, I’d rather taste a seasonal beer that’s trying too hard and failing than just showing up to the party with a shrug.”

19. Harpoon Pumpkin Cider (5.9% ABV)
“Wait, what? This is so good. How is this so good? This should be on the scale between ‘just okay’ and ‘kinda gross’ but it’s so good.” “First off, this is way better than Harpoon’s regular cider. The apples are more tart, like green apples.” “It should be too sweet, especially when you factor in the cinnamon and nutmeg and ginger that are in here, but it’s not too sweet at all. It’s actually refreshing. It’s a perfect fall time brunch drink, right out of the bottle.” “It’s not really beer, though.” “Who cares?”

18. Flying Dog The Fear Imperial Pumpkin Ale (9% ABV)
“This is like a dark, rich, creamy pumpkin bread, instead of a pumpkin pie. It’s earthy, but also sweet.” “I think you could pass this off as an imperial IPA if it didn’t say ‘pumpkin’ on the label.” “Yeah, I agree. This is a beer I would drink though all the cold weather days.”

17. Harpoon Pumpkin UFO (5.9% ABV)
“It was a good year for Harpoon. That grapefruit shandy was an awesome summer staple, and this is really solid too.” “I think those two beers have a lot in common. They’re light, but they still pack a flavor punch for your mouth. And they’re almost too sweet, but they manage to rein it.” “I wouldn’t seek this out, but I’d definitely drink it again.”

16. Terrapin Pumpkinfest (6.10% ABV)
“I may rank this one a little too high because I’m from Georgia and I have such a soft spot for Terrapin, especially their seasonal brews. They make the best peach beer on earth.” “No, it’s good! Just the right blend of spices and sweetness; it’s super drinkable.” “There’s nothing really interesting about it, but it could be a staple in the genre if Terrapin had a wider reach. It’s solid.”

15. Post Road Pumpkin Ale (5% ABV)
“Post Road should market this as a pumpkin ale that does not taste like other pumpkin ales.” “You’re right. I mean, it’s got all the standard pumpkin stuff but there’s a rye sourness or something that really sets it apart.” “I couldn’t drink a lot of these, but it is unique enough that I think it deserves to be praised. It’s not copycatting other pumpkins. It’s trying a different thing that mostly works.”

14. Harpoon Imperial Pumpkin (10.5% ABV)
“This is definitely the highest ABV of any pumpkin beer we’ve tried. It tastes very boozy, but in a nice way. It doesn’t taste cheaply boozy. It’s earning that ABV.” “Yeah, it’s like pumpkin pie with a dark brown sugar crust. Dark brown sugar and molasses. The high quality stuff.” “It’s like a pumpkin s’more!” “A pumpkin s’more that will leave you trolleyed after three bites.”

13. Great’ER Pumpkin (10% ABV)
“Cripes! How strong is this?” “10 percent and you can taste every bit of it. What I mean is it pours heavy and feels heavy in your mouth. It tastes heavy, but not syrupy, which is always the danger with beers like this.” “It tastes like what you’d think: pumpkin, spices, caramel, but the surprise is the tartness!” “It’s almost a cherry flavor. It’s good. This is a good damn beer.” “Are you drunk already?” “Kind of.”

12. Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale (8% ABV)
“Huh. This feels really light to have such a kickin’ ABV.” “In a bad way, do you think?” “No, in a dangerous way, like it doesn’t taste alcoholic, so a person would drink three and fall over.” “This would make a good dessert beer because it’s not so sweet that you’d go into a sugar coma if you had it with some pie.” “This would make a good dessert all by itself. I want to drink it from a snifter in front of a fire wearing a smoking jacket and a monocle.”

11. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale (8% ABV)
“It’s bizarre that this is one of Dogfish Head’s tamer beers, right?” “You can’t compare this to their 120 Minute IPA, though. That shit is like toffee-flavored whiskey.” “But the Punkin is like an IPA. A lot more like an IPA than the other pumpkin beers on shelves this season. A little sweet, a lot bitter, with a some ubtle spice undertones.”

10. Smuttynose Pumpkin Ale (5.84% ABV)
“This tastes the least like something from Starbucks’ fall menu, and I mean that in a nice way.” “It reminds me of the Dogfish Head Punkin because it’s a little more daring with the hops; it’s almost like a floral-based IPA.” “That’s true. It’s a nice break from the sweetness of other pumpkins. I love that flavor, but this late in the season, it can start to feel cloying.” 

9. Schlafly Pumpkin Ale (8% ABV)
“What I loved about this is it has all the other pumpkin spices, but there’s something caramel-y and cinnamon-y about it also.” “Yes! There’s a distinct cinnamon bite at the end of it! It leaves a little burn in my mouth, which totally works!”

8. Anderson Valley Fall Hornin’ Pumpkin Ale (6% ABV)
“Best canned pumpkin beer of the season, hands down.” “Agree. This is one of the few pumpkins that I didn’t think would have benefited from being on draught. Good carbonation, perfectly balanced spice and sweetness, and weirdly less expensive than Blue Moon.” “I think we’re nearing a canned beer revolution.” “Oh, I hope so!”

7. Southern Tier Imperial Pumking (8.6% ABV)
“I don’t think Pumking is as good this year as it was last year. It’s kind of vanilla-heavy, and the mouthfeel is a little too thick. I’d like more pumpkin spice and less actual pumpkin.” “I agree, but I do think this is still miles ahead of most other pumpkin beers. And the ABV is outrageous, in a good way. But yeah, there’s something more medicinal about this batch than years past.”

6. Epic Fermentation Without Representation Pumpkin Ale (8% ABV)
“I don’t understand why there aren’t more pumpkin stouts and porters. This makes a pumpkin spice latte taste like the biggest joke.” “The color threw me — it is so dark! — and it actually smelled a little like licorice, which would have been a disaster in my mouth, but the taste is straight up dark chocolate and marshmallows and pumpkin and spices and vanilla and what else?” “I think that’s it. I think you nailed it. It’s a damn shame you can only buy Epic beers in Salt Lake City.”

5. Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin (9% ABV)
“Hubba hubba!” “I’ll say the flavors are nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, and whiskey.” “Hahaha! Whiskey?” “This thing tastes boozy as hell, man. I mean, it’s delicious as all get out. Like pumpkin pie on performance enhancing drugs, but boooooozy. This is what Beyoncé was talking about when she said she was drunk in love.”

4. Two Roads Roadsmary’s Baby (6.8% ABV)
“The deal with this pumpkin ale is it’s aged in rum barrels, so in addition to the cinnamon, vanilla and pumpkin, you’re also getting oaky hard-boozin’ goodness.” “But caramel apples also, which seems like it would be weird, but is not weird at all.” “It tastes exactly like a fall festival feels.”

3. Southern Tier Warlock Imperial Pumpkin Stout (8.6% ABV)
“I’m shocked that Warlock is better than Pumking this year, but it totally is. If it were on Top Chef, Padma would be like, ‘Making an imperial pumpkin stout was an interesting choice. I thought the chocolate and malt notes would overpower the pumpkin flavor, but they balanced it out quite nicely. You’re lucky. This could have been disgusting. I could have spit it out.'” “And Gail Simmons is over there having herself another pint.”

2. Shipyard Pumpkinhead (4.7% ABV)
“Is this as good as we think it is, or are we remembering it too fondly because of our autumn time vacation to Maine?” “It’s as good as we think it is.” “Would you say it’s like cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin spice, and sour apple?” “Yes, and the secret ingredient of unpretentious deliciousness.” “Best served with a cinnamon-sugar rim.”

1. Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale (5.9% ABV)
“This is the best pumpkin beer I’ve ever had in my life.” “I know, baby, you’ve told me like 100 times.” “It’s like pumpkin pie with homemade filling and a homemade graham cracker crust. It’s creamy, but not like a cream ale. It’s malty, but not like a Doppelbock.” “You want to have this beer’s babies.” “I don’t deserve this beer’s babies.”

Now share your lists! What were your favorite/least favorite pumpkin beers this season?

Is Gin The Worst?

Gin: some people like it, but a lot of people really don’t like it. According to our annual Autostraddle Reader survey, only 3% of you folks cited gin as your primary alcoholic beverage of choice, making it second-to-last amongst preferred alcohols (Tequila came in with 2%). Somehow, the topic of gin came up in our Office E-Mail Reply-All the other day, and it turns out that people have VERY strong opinions about gin. Maybe you do too! Here’s ours:

Lydia: Why does everyone other than me and great aunts hate gin? GIN IS MY HOMIE.

Kate: Lydia, I openly invite you to my social group where EVERYONE LOVES GIN EXCEPT ME. There is a gin palace that’s supposed to be a recreation of a victorian gin palace in Dublin and aesthetically, I want to be there but tastewise I don’t want to be that asshole who is like no, no, a whiskey sour for me please, thank you.

Maddie: I like gin.

Stef: Gin is so gross i’m sorry but you guys are wrong.

Mari: It tastes like Pine-Sol.

Kate: I want to like gin because of Hendricks Gin because in my mind it is made by Christina Hendricks, but I just can’t.

Laneia: HENDRICK’S GIN. It’s the only gin worth ginning. Gin it with tonic water and a cucumber slice and then feel really really goddamned fancy and clean because water and cucumbers. ALSO if you want to make people feel kinda weird or sad for you, just pour some gin in a glass or bowl and dip watermelon chunks in it and eat it while you watch home improvement shows on a saturday afternoon.​

Riese: When I was 15 and had never been drunk, Lauren Merrell gave me gin and Mountain Dew in her parents basement and I drank a bunch of it and felt SUPER WEIRD and then I spent the entire night throwing up in her bathroom which had a mirror next to the toilet so I could witness my own downfall and ever since that fine day in 1996 I’ve been unable to consume gin or lemon-lime flavored sodas without feeling nauseous. Seriously it threw me off Sprite for life.

Stef: In college, a roommate’s friend left a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in our fridge so this boy I liked drank it, mixing it with everything in our fridge including ketchup (because we were like 19 and idiots), and obviously ended up vomiting into my toilet and crying for hours while I rubbed his back and he deliriously screamed I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT AGAIN and tried to kiss me. it traumatized me so much i can’t touch the stuff. Also yes, Pine-Sol.

Carolyn: I am extremely for yellow northern Quebec gin and neutral on all other gins, except that sometimes you just need a fucking gin and tonic and maybe to talk grimly about towels. But also yes to what Laneia said about cucumbers.

Gabby: My first-ever girlfriend, the one who got lost on a mountain during a hippie lesbian silent retreat, loved gin and tonics. She drank them all the time while smoking cloves, wearing all black, and listening to her RENT soundtrack cd. I don’t drink that shit because memories.

Stef: Gabby, was this your first girlfriend?

Gabby: Stef, you just killed me and then I was born again. Also, yes. That’s her. We still talk. She’s sober now. Still wears all black.

Hannah: Okay so full disclosure, when I was a stupid high schooler my friend brought a bottle of gin in a Poland spring bottle to first period computers and I took a solid chug (or ten). I thought it was vodka, and I don’t know why vodka might have been better, but I always feel it’s important to note that I thought it was vodka. I took a French test, which I really thought I had nailed (I mean, I am significantly better at speaking French when I’m drunk), and then promptly puked in front of my whole science class upon arrival but for whatever reason nobody noticed but the TA who let me take an entire chem test before suggesting I go home. The smell of gin was like kryptonite to me until college when somebody introduced me to the GINgerale, and gin and I have been having a love affair ever since. One that is rife with hangovers because who knew either gin or tonic had so much sugar???

Those are my feelings about gin.

Kaitlyn: One time I drank too much gin before going on a dorm bonding trip to IHOP (I packed a water bottle of straight gin for the road, obvs) where I was really happy and pumped until the second my chocolate chip pancakes arrived, at which point I ran into the men’s room and fell onto the toilet so I could vomit. I say “fell” because I literally dropped to the ground and hit the toilet so hard I bruised my chest. I also puked so violently that I burst a bunch of blood vessels in my face. Then my sober friend arrived and I begged him to drive me home. I slept on the couch with a plastic grocery bag that I would wake up and vomit into periodically. And that’s why I didn’t drink gin for several years until my last job literally paid me to drink fancy cocktails.

July: One time in college, my best friend Lane & I drank an entire bottle of gin, tried to bake a cake in the shape of Abraham Lincoln, & somehow got a hold of a box of oil pastels & drew all over the wall. I woke up the next morning with chocolate all over my face and stick-figure dogs all over my bedroom, with the words “I LOVE DOGZZZZZ YES YES” written on the walls.

Lizz: I love gin.

Rachel: In the summer of 2010 I was going through a breakup and drank a significant portion of a bottle of gin as well as, I believe, a tumblr full of tequila before going to a Pride party. I was blacked out before I even got to the bar, and managed to throw up about half my body weight yet also try to make a pass at a girl in front of her girlfriend as Lizz was dragging me out of the bar. I woke up on Lizz’s couch to find she had kindly put my disgusting clothes in a plastic bag and dressed me in her ultimate frisbee jersey from college and sweatpants, and then had to spend the rest of the day in her bed until about 4 pm because i was so hungover I couldn’t move. I was supposed to go to my ex’s girlfriend’s birthday that day, which involved HORSEBACK RIDING, and so called them and made up an elaborate lie instead. I am certain there is more that happened that evening but I hope Lizz never tells me or anyone else. In retrospect this could be why i don’t like gin very much.

Lizz: One time Rachel drank a TON of gin and gay pride when she was going through this breakup and then drank like an entire tumbler of tequila and I think blacked out because when we got to the bar she made a million passes at me and every other girl in the bar including one who was with her girlfriend and then while our friend was finding a bathroom she started to puke and then puked a million times into a planter and then out the window of a car and then in my apartment so I put her to bed on the couch. In the AM I had to leave but I think she ended up staying at my place until like dinner or something and skipped some horseback riding thing with her ex-gf.

Lydia: This conversation makes me want a delicious gin based beverage. Also, I can almost understand the Pine-sol comparison. Still gonna drink it.

Okay readers, now it’s your turn: is gin the worst, the best, or something in between? Any horrifying gin stories to share with the group? It’s okay, we’re all friends here.

Liquor in the Last Days of Summer: Rhubarb Vanilla Cordial

When I was a miniature human, like most bespectacled nerdy loners, I was obsessed with the Redwall series. I would often read and reread the giant books cover to cover in only a few days. Aside from the obvious appeal — adorable woodland creatures in cute medieval outfits fighting to the death with swords, etc — a major draw were the totally outrageous descriptions of food, which in my memory make up about 80% of the books’ text.

A frequent component of these giant badger banquets was cordial, which was often made of awesome-sounding stuff like elderflower and honeyed violets, and sounded so magical I was pretty sure it was a made-up beverage. Which it probably was, sort of. But still, I was delighted as an adult to find recipes for stuff that is at least called cordial, although I’m not sure if it was the same stuff these pretend mice were getting hammered on. This recipe fulfills my every fantasy of cordial: it’s fruity, sweet, looks pretty in a glass, and can get you drunk enough that you’ll think you’re a raccoon princess, too.

Rhubarb Vanilla Cordial

This is an infusion recipe, so it’s going to involve some delayed gratification. But like other infusions, it will also be stupid easy. All you need is vodka, sugar, and vanilla — it’s better if it’s in bean form, but it’ll still be fine if you’re just using vanilla extract.

I used vanilla sugar because I’m VERY FANCY.

Ingredients:

2 1/2 pounds rhubarb, chopped
1 1/3 cup sugar
2 scraped vanilla beans (or maybe 2 tsp or so of vanilla extract?)
1 liter of vodka

Combine all these ingredients in a glass jar or jars. I divided mine into two jars because I wanted to give one as a gift, and didn’t worry too much about getting it divided exactly in half. It’s gonna be fine.

These will need to infuse for at least a month, but will be fine after that too. I like to shake them every once in a while so that I can see the sugar dissolving, but you don’t really need to; it should happen on its own. I find it helpful to label when the jars should be opened and/or when they were first sealed.

After a month, you are GOOD TO GO. The good news is that the infusion process should have made this so delicious that you can’t really taste any vodka, so you can sip this all day long. The bad news is you’ll still be sipping straight vodka, so you might want to slow your roll a little with that. Another option is to cut this cordial with something else — perhaps a delicious sparkling water. I also have a theory that if you threw some tarragon in there as a garnish/flavor, it would be delicious, but this is as-of-yet untested.

However you decide to drink this, do your best to enjoy it outside while enjoying the last few nice summer-ish evenings.

BPM: Everybody

Artist: EVERYBODY
Cliffnotes: EVERYTHING
Same Aisle As: EVERYWHERE

Okay, full disclosure, I’ve been mad busy and dealing with some gnarly depression for the last few weeks so anything that hasn’t been my full-time job, related to my dog/girlfriend, or showering has taken a backseat.

I have, however, been listening to a LOT of music and come across a lot of great artists I’d like to share with you. So instead of focusing on one artist, I thought it best that I share some tracks from multiple artists that you might want to check out.

Wet

A trio from Brooklyn, they have a lot of lush and mellow harmonies. They kind of remind me of Bon Iver meets Frou Frou. They have a lot of synth sounds that serve as a nice support for the ethereal vocals. Also their website URL is http://kanyewet.biz/.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou53-1Tl5Ko

Broods

Definitely my favorite pick from this grab bag. Broods is yet another export from New Zealand that is making some pretty awesome tunes. This duo has a great sense of rhythm, catchy hooks, and instrumentation. Here are my favorites of this band:

ASTR

The electronic-pop duo definitely seems to be the successful trend in the industry. ASTR has kind of a dance-hall sound a la SBTRKT with tones of old hip-hop mixtapes and a vocalist who sort of reminds me of Sia. They also have a pretty great Drake cover.

MØ

MØ is a Danish singer/songwriter that sort of reminds me of Grimes or the diet version of Santigold. Like some people want the diet version exclusively and other people want the non-diet version because the diet version could never compare but either way it’s okay on its own.

Anna of the North

An early find, Anna of the North (from Norway) is just starting to kick off finding her sound and releasing songs. I like all the different instrumentation that’s going on here and I think this artist will have some promising releases!

FLUME

A slightly dubsteppy sound, but Chet Faker’s vocals brings a nice softness to the edgy snares and synth. If anything, just watch the music video for the fancy footwork!

Nightmares on Wax

Essentially what would be a great track to put on for a night in and smoking, this DJ has a very chill vibe and is pretty wonderful to space out to. Not super great, however, for my productivity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXoIbXGKPrY

The Glitch Mob

YOU GUYS I KNOW IT’S JUST THREE DUDES* BUT HOLY CRAP I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Whenever I’ve been feeling down lately, I just put on The Glitch Mob’s first album and I feel better almost without fail. I feel like I can take over the world and do whatever and the soundtrack to my life is epic. It’s so easy to lose yourself in this kind of sound and I just saw them live at Lolla and they were just fantastic. Interesting fact: when they perform live, they usually have an electronic drumset and a cool MIDI interface that they use to layer all the tracks instead of queuing up their tracks like most DJs do. The track “We Can Make the World Stop” has some great instrumentation that takes you by surprise and “Fortune Days” has an awesome drum track at 1:55.

*Changed thanks to Chelsea’s correction. I had previously written “THREE WHITE DUDES” but she pointed out that edIT is, indeed, an Asian dude.

And just for kicks…

This song. Because I love it. And it has gotten me through this month.

Just like this article, I’ve made a “grab-bag” drink from my fridge! So here we are. A nice summery spritzer to get you through the hot, sticky, humid jungle. Or is that just Chicago? Just Chicago? Okay. The drink itself doesn’t look anything fancy, so here is me drinking it with my fancy face.

(via my Iphone)

INGREDIENTS:

• ½ Steigl Grapefruit Radler
• ½ champagne
• Splash of orange juice/grapefruit juice

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Pour all ingredients in a cup.
2. Take a sip.
3. Do you hate it? Then drink a little more and add whichever ingredient you want more of.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until desired taste is achieved.

My latest thing has been adding grapefruit juice into champagne to make mimosas and I really like the bitter taste it carries with the sweetness of the champs. One of my summer beverages of choice to sip on is the Steigl Grapefruit Radler. Being fully aware that it’s not really beer and it just tastes like alcoholic Fresca, I STILL LOVE IT. So if you hate how it tastes with the rest of the ingredients, I’ll take console in knowing that I’ve at least made you try the Radler at least once.

Check the playlist below on Spotify for the tracks listed in this article and additional tracks!

BPM

An installment of BPM: Booze Paired with Music. A brief exposé on artists, popular or obscure, to suit your need for beats. Along with it, a little treat to make for yourself while you bask in the sound of glory and a drink well done. As a former DJ, violinist, aca-bopper, and hip-hop dancer, I try to bring you as much variety in artists and commentary as I can. Listen on!

Liquor In The Mid-Afternoon: Barefoot Brunch

Hold onto your eggs, we’re getting ready for Autostraddle’s International Brunch Weekend 8/23-24! Find a brunch meetup in your city or create your own by heading over to our events page. You can also load up on all things brunch by watching this space. From playlists to recommendations to personal essays, we’re writing all about the brunch experience. Get excited! BRUNCH.

Barefoot Brunch — the kind of brunch where you don’t brunch out. You brunch in. The brunch was within you all along. Or at least, in your apartment. And you don’t have to wear shoes in your apartment. Y’all, it’s raining outside today. And I just moved, so I’ve just put together a lot of IKEA furniture. Like hell I am going out for brunch right now! I am staying in. Who’s with me?! Plus I like making brunch drinks; brunch drinks have a special place in my heart. Here are a few excellent cocktails to make for your guests.

Easy Peasy Peachy Bellini

1.5 oz gin (I’m using Brooklyn Gin)

1 oz peach schnapps

top with Prosecco

Peach slice to garnish

Now probably I could have built this bellini in the glass since the Prosecco would have taken care of chilling it. But I am cray cray and wanted everything really chilly, so I grabbed a jam jar filled with ice to mix in. If you’re at the same level of “it’s so damn hot outside, what the hell, this is the Midatlantic, it’s not supposed to feel like this” as I am, please feel free to join me in that level of crazy and mix the 1.5 oz gin and the 1 oz peach schnapps in a glass with ice.

Strain it into a wine glass or champagne flute. Top with Prosecco. When popping a bubbly, please always use a tea towel so you don’t shoot someone’s eye out.

YOU WILL BREAK A WINDOW I PROMISE JUST USE A TEA TOWEL

Slice a peach and just drop the whole slice in. The easiest way to slice a peach is like an avocado — slice all the way around and then twist so you have two halves, one of them with the pit in it. Slice off the half that doesn’t have the bit. Eat the half that does because dang it, peaches are tasty. And then that’s it, you’re done. Easiest brunch drink in the world. No juicing. No crazy techniques. And it’s amazingly delicious and very boozey.

Morningside Sunrise

3 oz Lillet Blanc

1 oz Crème de Cassis

top with tonic water

garnish with a peach slice

This is named for its lovely color — a nice rich purple. And it’s very sweet. Grab a wine glass and fill it with ice. Dump the crème de cassis in the bottom of the glass, the 3 oz Lillet on top of it.

And then top with tonic water. Hang a peach slice on the side of the glass. You literally don’t even have to mix it. It’s a lazy lazy sunrise. And if you’re making the bellinis, it’s also a good way to use your sliced peaches up if your guests don’t all want the booziest bellini in town.

Mary’s Fish Allergy

I can never order a Bloody Mary — I am both a vegetarian and allergic to fish. For those of you in that boat, join me on the dark side. These are just as delicious.

2 oz vodka

6 oz tomato juice

2 dashes soy sauce

2 dashes favorite hotsauce (I’m using Tabasco, but some people use sriracha)

2 dash Bittermens Hellfire bitters because my real goal is to light your mouth ablaze

2 pinches sea salt

2 dashes tamarind paste (or 2 pinches tamarind powder)

All the pepper. All of it.

Celery stick to garnish

Fill a shaker half with ice. And then do the dashes first — the soy sauce, tamarind, Bittermens Hellfire Bitters and hot sauce. Yes, yes both of them. Both the hot sauce and the habañero bitters. Because I want it to kick you in the teeth. That’s the whole darn point.

Then add the sea salt and four turns of a pepper grinder.

Just as an FYI, the tamarind and soy sauce are what’s standing in for the traditional (and fishy) Worcestershire sauce — all you really need is something to give it an umami flavor, and the combination of those two things will definitely do it.

Dump in the 2 oz Vodka and the 6 oz tomato juice and shake it for a good 30 seconds. You want that salt and pepper to get all up in there.

Strain it into a tall glass and cut your celery stick to match the glass’s height. Add four turns of a pepper grinder right on top for good measure.

If you want what my fiancée’s sister calls a “Gentle Mary,” cut the vodka down to 1 oz. It is much gentler that way.

What are your go-to brunch drinks? Have you riffed on anything traditional lately? If none of these are go your liking, I highly recommend trying a Fizzing Whizbee.

Liquor In The Barrel: A Barrel-Aged Manhattan

For a while there, the fashion was adding bacon to cocktails. As I am a vegetarian and didn’t even much like bacon when I wasn’t, I am super glad to see that fashion replaced by barrel-aging a cocktail. The nice part is you can barrel-age a wide variety of things, and at home too! If you ask people what their favorites are, a few come up repeatedly: Negronis, Vieux Carres and Manhattans. I’ve had barrel-aged Negronis, Manhattans and Boulevardiers, but I’ve never made one until right now. My favorite of those I tasted is a Manhattan, so for my first foray into barrel-aging, that’s what we’re going to go with.

Barrel-aging a cocktail is something you do when you want to a) add a woody, oak-esque flavor to your cocktail with the barrel and b) when you want to give the cocktail ingredients the chance to really mingle together — it’s the same kind of philosophy as letting things you’re cooking marinate overnight. The longer the ingredients are together, the more unified they become.

The Equipment

You’ll need all your standard bar equipment (we’ll go over that in a hot sec) but you’ll also need a barrel for aging. You might see tiny little casks on the market, but I’m personally using a Hudson Whiskey small-batch kit, developed by Tuthilltown Spirits — that’s glass with an oak stave, and perfect for your first time because then you’re not committed to, like, two gallons of cocktail. You’ll recall that Hudson Whiskey was our A-Camp sponsor for October 2013, and I’ve been planning to do this for a while. As for why now, well, it was raining on the day that I mixed it. And something about the clouds just makes me want to age something that feels like sinking into an armchair. Here’s what Hudson Whiskey did with their barrels:

And here’s what I’m going to do with my mini glass jar.

You will also need:

• Rye whiskey (I’m using Bulleit)
• Sweet Vermouth
• Dry Vermouth
• Angostura bitters
• Orange bitters
• a measuring cup to mix in
• a jigger
• a spoon to mix with
• an orange (for garnish)
• a classy glass to serve in (I’m using a tumbler)

The Recipe

I’m adapting a classic Manhattan recipe from The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks by David A. Embury. It’s not the exact recipe, but it’s pretty darn close. The reasons I chose to do this are a) I love that book and b) the way that Embury states his recipes is in parts. So like, one parts this and two parts that. This way of thinking about recipes is very easy to scale up or down. So making a larger batch? Really easy.

So the recipe in the original is:

• 4 parts rye whiskey
• 1 part dry vermouth
• 1 part sweet vermouth
• 1 dash Angostura bitters per drink

The recipe that I came up with is:

• 1.5 oz rye whiskey
• 1 oz sweet vermouth
• 1 oz dry vermouth
• 1 dash Angostura bitters
• 1 dash Orange bitters

Yes, I’m aware my ratios don’t match. It’s because I’m bad at math, but this tasted really good, so I’m keeping it.

And the recipe that fits in this here mini glass jar with an oak stave in it is:

• 6 oz rye whiskey
• 4 oz dry vermouth
• 4 oz sweet vermouth
• 4 dashes Angostura bitters (add one more for good luck because it’s your party, etc)
• 4 dashes Orange bitters

Now if you want to do something a little closer to the original recipe (and with WAY more of a whiskey kick to it), you could try:

• 2 oz rye whiskey
• 1/2 oz sweet vermouth
• 1/2 oz dry vermouth
• 1 dash Angostura bitters

Scaled up to fit your barrel, of course.

Follow your heart, is what I’m saying. Manhattans are one of those things everyone does a little bit differently, so find your grail.

I prefer to think of my life as one big musical, you guys.

The Process

Measure out your 6 oz of whiskey. Chuck that into a measuring cup.

Do the same with your 4 oz sweet and dry vermouth.

Add your bitters in. And note that I did add an extra dash of Angostura bitters in the end. I dunno, the spirit moved me or something.

Stir it up. I could have used a regular spoon, but I prefer to feel like a giant. So I used my big bar spoon in my short measuring cup. There’s also no need to do this with ice because you’re not serving it right away. Pour it into your jar (or barrel or what have you), close it up and tuck it away.

Wait six weeks.

I know, sorry guys, but it’ll be worth it.

When six weeks have passed, stir a portion of the cocktail with ice (or use whiskey stones to cool it). Strain the Manhattan into a glass. Garnish with orange peel (style is up to you). Please note that some people prefer to drink barrel-aged Manhattans at room temperature like they would drink whiskey neat (I am one of those people). If that’s also you, just pour right into the glass and garnish with orange peel.

What I would do differently next time: Maybe, MAYBE I would try something closer to the original. But honestly? Happy accidents are wonderful, and I like the recipe I developed because I’m bad at math. For the first time ever in me effing up a recipe I was developing, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

For whatever reason, my downstairs neighbors have an axe outside. It seemed to fit this drink.

So — who’s gonna barrel age with me? What’s your Manhattan recipe? What happy accidents have lead to even happier cocktails?

In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani

BPM: Disclosure and a Corpse Reviver #2

An installment of BPM: Booze Paired with Music. A brief exposé on artists, popular or obscure, to suit your need for beats. Along with it, a little treat to make for yourself while you bask in the sound of glory and a drink well done. As a former DJ, violinist, aca-bopper, and hip-hop dancer, I try to bring you as much variety in artists and commentary as I can. Listen on!

Artist: Disclosure

Cliffnotes: Earworm-y, energetic, synth-y
Same Aisle As: AlunaGeorge, Flume, SBTRKT

While I really enjoy focusing on artists that are QPOC or at least in the family, I would never forgive myself for writing an electronic music column and not covering Disclosure. If Disclosure isn’t on your radar yet, they will be soon. This duo of brothers from the UK has rocketed into your local DJ booth during the last year and shows no sign of stopping. Though a specific genre is hard to pinpoint, electronica is definitely the blanket term that most people have been using because of the prominent deep house beats, sharp snare beats, and sweeping synth chords. Disclosure’s debut album Settle has been a very successful introduction for these musicians; most bros give it five out of five fist pumps. They feature a vast array of guest artists such as AlunaGeorge, Sam Smith, London Grammar, and Jamie Woon. Not surprisingly, all of these artists have had symbiotic effects on each others’ career trajectories.

Guy and Howard Lawrence, or another pair of names to add to the list titled “People That are Younger and More Successful Than Me, Dammit” (courtesy of Disclosure Official)

The interesting thing about the sound of Disclosure is that it sits on the fence of several different genres. Is it pop because there are so many catchy hooks? Is it rock because it has that new wave-y grungy garage sound? Is it electronic music because it has synthetic drums and cymbals, deep bass drums, and clap tracks that have the authenticity of a sitcom laugh track? I think that’s what makes this album so great. It accomplishes a sense of familiarity and accessibility for listeners who are new to the house scene, but offers a refreshing and effusive hour for those who feel like pop has twisted house music into an extremely unpleasant knot. So, let’s dive in.

Let’s start with the song with Sam Smith, “Latch.” Starting off strong as the second full track on the album, it starts off deceptively calm. Smith’s croons lure you into thinking that this is just a lounge song, but just wait until the chorus right around the 1:20 mark. I won’t spoil the surprise for you, but I would turn it up and hang onto your black skinny jeans. For the music theory nerds out there, that time change into 6/8 at the chorus is just awesome, isn’t it? Also of note, there are some pretty cute queerios making out in music video. In slow motion. Surrounded with rainbow sparkles and looking at each other with googly eyes.

There are a lot of cool tracks on this album, so instead of going into them in great depth, I’ll just touch on a few of my favorites. You’ll notice a lot of similar trends throughout the album which may touch on repetitive, but it makes it all the more easier to just play the record from start to finish for an hour-long dance party.

Mary J. Blige throws down on this track. Her soulful and heavy voice fits very well into the driving bass laid down by the brothers.

Starting off high energy, this track is definitely leans more to the electronic genre. Aluna Francis of AlunaGeorge carries this song with a nice saccharine sound.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MfLZM7kvy0

Fans of Jessie Ware will enjoy this song. It’s not a huge departure from her own sound, but it’s a nice collaboration that successfully combines both artists’ sounds. Pretty cool to see it live as well.

When I went to see Disclosure live, it was one of those shows where you might regret the morning after but whatever ‘cause you had fun anyway. A lot of people around me were doing this weird fly-swatting motion while playing bumper cars with each other. This prompted me to create a twist on a “Corpse Reviver #2.” Just try not to spill it while you dance.

(Via chow.com)

INGREDIENTS

• 1 oz dry gin
• 1 oz orange liqueur (Cointreau, Grand Marnier, CVS brand, etc.)
• 1 dash absinthe
• 1 dash of St. Germain (DO NOT OVERPOUR UNLESS YOU HEART ST. GERMAIN LIKE MAD)
• 1 dash of lemon juice

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Shake all ingredients along with ice cubes in a cocktail shaker and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with lemon if you please.

For those that might not have absinthe or St. Germain lying around, a nice bright drink I’ve been tricked into loving is a “Beermosa.” Just mix equal parts of your favorite light beer with orange juice. Any Belgian white will do e.g. Blue Moon or Shock Top because they taste good with oranges anyway.

For additional tracks, check out the BPM Spotify playlist. It also compiles all listed tracks of this column.

Sober in the City: 20 Summer Mocktail Recipes to Try Now

I was a bit out of sorts when I first got sober: anxious, stressed, angry, depressed. Everything bothered me, and living in NYC didn’t help the situation. One of my good friends would patiently listen to me complain non-stop about any and everything. Until one day she had just had it with me. I was going on and on about how it was just so unfair that I would never be able to drink again, until she snapped at me and said, “You will be able to drink LOTS of things! Just. Not. Alcohol! Have some water. People would kill for some!” Addiction is far more complex than swapping out water for alcohol. But, for me, at least, it is helpful to have friends who won’t, as they say in AA, “co-sign my bullshit” and provide support in redirecting my obsessive thoughts.

via e-Baum’s World

Five years later, I see the world through a whole new set of eyes. There are so many things that are overwhelmingly incredible to experience without being numb. Even the act of slowly sipping a mocktail made from Earth’s ingredients — ingredients that I am so lucky to even have access to — is something that I do not take for granted. With summer here, I do not have to forgo the act of social drinking. But, I can forgo the hangover, the shame, the guilt, and the regret. Here are 20 summer mocktail recipes to try now, sober or not. Sit with them. Taste the combination of ingredients without the mask of alcohol, and be grateful for every berry, herb, flower, vegetable. And, if you don’t have the patience to make these recipes at home, grab your friends and go out for mocktail hour. (The New York Times and Refinery29 have great roundups of places to grab the best mocktails in New York and San Francisco, respectively. But, you can always just go to your local speakeasy or hotel bar and challenge the mixologist/bartender to make you something creative sans the alcohol.)

1. Blackberry Lavender Lemonade

via Free People

2. Rosemary Citrus Spritzer

via the ktchn

3. Meyer Lemon Soda

via The Wall Street Journal

4. Virgin Garden Mary

via HGTV

5. Kiwi Lime Mojito

via The Merry Thought

6. Italian Cream Soda

via The Merry Thought

7. Kumquat Pink Pepper Spritzer

via the ktchn

8. Cucumber Lemonade

via The Bitten Word

9. Passion Thyme Mocktail

via Fit Pregnancy

10. Strawberry Lychee Soda

via The Gastro Guy

11. Ginger Lime Mocktail

via elena’s pantry

12. Frost Bite Mocktail

via babble

13. Blood Orange Spritzer

via Brit + Co

14. Saffron Orangeade

via Martha Stewart

15. Cranberry Rosemary Tangerine Mocktail

via The Juice Stand

16. Pomegranate Rosewater Spritzer

via Brit + Co

17. Basil-ade

via Luxury Travel & Lifestyle

18. Pink Lemonade Coco Float

via 100 Layer Cake-Let

19. Pricky Pear Mojito

via My Man’s Belly

20. Berry Super Food Mocktail

via Nouvelle

BPM: Sylvan Esso And A Calimocho

Artist: Sylvan Esso
Cliffnotes: Bright, heady, easy
Same Aisle As: Feist, Alt-J, Tune-Yards

I’m really excited to introduce you guys to Sylvan Esso, the product of an unusual pair of artists: Amelia Meath from Mountain Man (an a cappella threesome that focuses mainly on Appalachian folk a la The Wailin’ Jennys) and Nick Sanborn from Megafaun (indie folk-rock a la Justin Vernon). Together, they’ve just recently released their self-titled album that kind of sounds like the Feist remix album you’ve always wanted. Meath’s richly textured voice is effortlessly layered on top of Sandborn’s punchy and addictive synth. Despite not even having a Wikipedia page yet, this band screams “WE’RE GONNA BE GREAT.” Their debut album is nothing to joke about: great hooks, easy beats, and pretty much the best introduction to their sound that you’ll get.

Though the album is a comprehensive work, each track easily stands on its own. I could see every one of these tracks serve as a strong single. The ones that stood out to me are listed here:

This track starts you off thinking that you might be listening to a Feist album by accident. Amelia Meath’s strengths as an a cappella vocalist are really wonderfully showcased here. About a minute in, Sandborn’s rolling synth creeps in with just enough punch to move the song right along and completely reframes the song. It’s a great introduction to the album that pulls you right in and lays the framework of how these two work seamlessly together. AND THAT VIDEO IS LIVE. Like, gosh.

A bit farther down the tracklist, let’s check out one of their other singles.

This track is much softer but we’re still seeing this pattern of Meath’s warm voice over some pulsing synth. This track is a great example of their sound: simple with the right accoutrements but overall, a clear example of the instinctive interaction between these two artists. This is the stuff I just really love: warm, velvety vocals mishmashed with electronic instrumentation. What’s different here from other electronica bands with a front-woman and bearded men playing keyboards in the background is that Sylvan Esso seem to have found a groove where they perform a true duet.

I can’t really say enough about this album. Sandborn does a great job of knowing exactly when to support Meath’s voice and when to back off, allowing Meath’s a cappella background to shine through pleasant harmonies that you miss in typical pop chords. To reflect this unusual pair, we’re going with a calimocho this week – another unusual pairing with delightful results.

I was first introduced to calimochos through my girlfriend during a summer picnic. It’s easy to make, a bit punchy, and strangely addicting. Calimochos are very popular in Spain where it originated when (according to legend) some festival goers created the mixture when they happened on some sour wine. Think of it as a poor man’s sangria. It’s a great drink for a warm summer’s day or a little pick-me-up at night.

Photo credit Anne Marie Walen

Calimocho (Kalimotxo)

INGREDIENTS

• ½ part Coca-cola
• ½ part red wine

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix both ingredients in a tall glass with ice.
2. Garnish with a lemon or lime if preferred.

I find that this drink works best with cola made with sugar cane and red wines that are a bit on the dryer side. We usually have cabernets or merlots at our place. That being said, you certainly don’t have to be fancy with this drink, considering its origins. Your favorite type of cola and Charles Shaw from the store will work fine.

For additional tracks by Sylvan Esso, check out the BPM Spotify playlist. It also compiles all listed tracks of this column.

BPM