This is a super special double feature edition of the OUAT recaps because first I had an infection in my intestine but then it turned out to be a ruptured ovarian cyst and now they’re like gee whiz, we actually don’t know what’s going on in your uterus area. Which is actually really appropriate, given the number of times a character’s fertility was used as a positive trait in these episodes. I wish I was kidding but I’m not, because this show dares to GO THERE and by THERE I mean WHAT THE FUCK ARE ANY OF THE WRITERS SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING EVER? And I say that with no offense to the creators of this show, except yeah, kind of definitely offense. Because your Twitter accounts alone have been epic amounts of dismissive towards your gay fans, and when you’re in the entertainment business, that’s an unintelligent move, folks. As thanks for your continued and very conscious distancing from the gay community, I’ll be giving your show even more unwanted publicity based solely in lesbian sex puns and inferring that everyone on this show is banging in a non-straight way. You’re welcome. But let’s get back to recapping these fertility one-liners, right?

This is the Ariel episode arc. Yes, Ariel, the princess you shat yourself over when you were young. The princess you conveniently forgot was around 13 and still drawn like a 13 year old because Eric was worth it or something. Ariel gave up her agency and her voice and her physical comfort zones for a boy? Hell yeah she did. I don’t even remember if Eric had speaking lines but I remember believing very vehemently as a young child that my friends were fucking bonkers for liking Ariel so much. But then again, my favorite princess was Belle, whose Stockholm Syndrome didn’t register as an issue to me, so long story short: Disney princesses fucked with all of our childhood concepts of healthy relationships.

For those of you who were worried that Ariel’s commitment to sacrificing everything she is for some man meat would be lost in translation, simmer down rubes. All in good time.

Episode 306

The show opens on Snow White attempting to escape from the Queen’s minions. I’m not sure how this fits into the timeline with Charming, but it’s not like the writers know either. Continuity on this show is akin to universal healthcare, I think. Great in theory, and it’s totally worked for all those other shows, but it’s so much easier to be pigheaded and act like a nonsensical narrative can’t hurt its characters in the long run.

this is not the topless beach i was looking for

Surprise! Snow’s getaway plan is intercepted by a giant cliff, and instead of going with the nice young men in their clean white armor, she goes flying right off that cliff. Just when you start celebrating the inevitable drowning death of your least favorite character, a famous mermaid is there in record time to save her bland ass. And no, Ariel doesn’t have to do mouth-to-mouth to bring Snow back. That’s WAY too close to two princesses kissing and this show can only handle semi-implied physically distant maybe-confessions of gay love maybe.

Back in the only ten square feet of jungle that is Neverland, Regina and Emma are practicing magic together. My girlfriend and I also practice magic together, and like Regina and Emma, it also involves a lot of handiwork! Unfortunately for these kids, nothing kills the mood like having your parents and their medieval sense of morality as chaperones.

The cute part is how just when Emma is about to give up, her typical bickering with Regina is what sparks an actual fire. I wish I was making this up so we didn’t have to keep groaning at the lost potential of this relationship – they do magic together, only when they banter is their magic successful, one is dark and the other is light, they share a child via magic, etc. Not to mention the fact that magic based in your hands is the gayest thing ever.

i am the literal representation of regina’s loins

Hook skulks back to camp because he can’t resist Charming’s charms and wants the opportunity to breathe sweet nothings against his neck. Also Neal is alive, which Hook doesn’t want to tell Emma because Emma is his beard, and Charming doesn’t want to tell Emma because Charming’s idea of fatherhood is buying actual chastity belts on eBay and keeping his daughter outfitted in corduroy overalls long past her adolescence. Snow, never one to miss out on the opportunity to dictate her adult child’s life choices, is sick of the sausage fest going on in the “Let’s Decide What’s Best For Adult Person Emma Without Her Input” Department.

Flashback to Snow and Ariel meeting after Ariel has dragged Snow from the water, where they wrestle her out of her soaking clothes and start clinging naked to each other for warmth. Just kidding.

Ariel saved a prince named Eric this one time and is now 100% convinced he is her absolute truest of true loves. Since the sea goddess – now that’s an upgrade?? – Ursula allows mermaids to walk around on land for 12 hours on the day of the highest tide, Ariel’s using this opportunity to track down Eric and make him her man-flavored biscuit warmer. I hope Eric likes fish. Ha ha. Ha. Yeah, that felt awful to type out.

Snow is practically falling over herself to help somebody find their true love because that’s her main character trait – taking what could possibly be horrifically antiquated ideas of romance and chivalry and using them as weapons against rationality – and Ariel’s like, hey, wow, slow your roll. I have to keep the secret of my fish identity or he will not like me. Snow reminds Ariel that secrets secrets are no fun and secrets secrets can hurt someone, but Ariel’s pretty sure she’s never heard of a fairy tale where lying about your identity didn’t end in happy endings and true love and implied PIV sex.

Back in the present, because the incredibly and irritatingly obvious moral of today’s episode is SECRETS SECRETS ARE NO FUN, Snow makes sure to literally yell at Emma that Neal is alive on the island somewhere. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to reunite your daughter with this guy? He knocked her up and then put her in jail while he banged another chick. What parent isn’t totally dying to make that guy their son-in-law?

Somewhere else on Neverland, the island of the same sound stage from different angles, Pan has run across Rumple. Pan says his old family has forsaken him, so why doesn’t Rumple go make a new family with Belle because Belle “looks fertile”? That is a direct quote. I think my cervix actually shrunk in horror during this scene.

While everyone else is still processing Neal’s being alive while freaking out about some footsteps that Snow saw, Regina takes this opportunity to peace the fuck out because she has had it up to here with this blow-worthy popsicle stand. Emma doesn’t want her to go because who else will keep her warm in her sleeping bag, but Regina reminds Emma that they have a son who needs saving, and if she could put down the incredibly clunky plotline that is this bullshit love triangle, maybe they’d all realize that the reason they came here was to save the kid who desperately needs them. Actually, she says she’s going to save “our son,” which is even better and not a run-on sentence.

and tell that little bitch with the german schoolboy haircut that i peed on her toothbrush

Emma takes Regina’s side, but Snow would rather trust a faceless OkCupid profile than agree with Regina.

his profile photo was a guy fawkes mask wearing a fedora and his interests were “destroying the friendzone” and “m’lady” so i’m pretty sure he’s legit, emma

Back in Green Screen Kingdom, Ariel and Snow are all decked out in their sophomore semi-formal dresses, and boy, are they…something. Actually, pretty sure the extras in these scenes were outfitted by an intern run to Forever 21 and Maurice’s, so.

ashley said her mom could pick us up but like i don’t want to go back to ashley’s house tonight because she doesn’t even have a dvd player

Snow tries to help Ariel with her whole human schtick, but Ariel smells ripe manhood and spots Eric. Girl wants the D, and by D I mean Damn Have The Writers Ever Heard of a Narrative Where The Female Isn’t Desperate For A Guy To Complete Her?

Apparently, Eric has been having dreams about Ariel, and figured that Ursula was sending him these dreams to tell him about his future mate. Little did he know that his future mate would deposit her eggs into a shallow cove where he would have to go and inseminate them outside of the body, but details, details.

Regina and her breasts are not pleased. The minions were supposed to kill Snow, not let her have a meaningful connection with a former mermaid who is trying to U-Haul with some flat-haired dummy who believes in dream reading. What is this, a lesbian commune in 1994?

Back in another angle of the same Neverland ten feet of jungle, Rumple is visited by yet another pesky vision of Belle. Except this time, holy shit, Regina shows up and fucking choke holds the Belle vision like a fucking Sith. Lo and behold, and no surprise to Regina or any member of the audience but kind of a surprise to Rumple, the Belle vision is actually a Pan shadow. Rumple’s like wow, definitely rethinking that handjob she gave me earlier.

not endgame? you know who else wasn’t fuckin endgame? sharmen wasn’t fuckin endgame but does anyone give a fuck? no they fuckin don’t

Elsewhere on the Neverland sound stage, everyone’s looking for Neal because that seems like a great use of their limited resources. Emma decides this is as good a time as ever to tell her mom that she and Hook kissed, and Snow has to check herself in order to not grind her teeth to sand. Emma’s like boy, this is some weather we’re having, and let’s not get too excited about Neal being alive because I don’t need to remind you guys that he’s not the most super male specimen. Snow is bewildered that Emma could not have hope in the face of all the fucking adversity that is attempting to foil an elaborate kidnapping, especially since hope is where happy endings come from! Are we seriously trying to make a connection between Emma/Neal and happy endings? Are we going there, Snow? Really, bitch? Really?

my stylist said i could never pull off the german schoolboy haircut but i had hope on my side

Zippety doo dah back in time to Kingdom of the Green Screen, where Eric wants Ariel to come live and travel with him forever, and Ariel is processing that level of commitment. On one hand, she’s always wanted to completely lose her autonomy to a stranger she’s just met, but on the other hand, she doesn’t want to ask for things that she needs because that’s definitely not what a healthy relationship is, right OUAT writers? Snow’s like, psh, healthy relationships? Honey, shit is overrated. So Ariel decides she’s going to go ask the goddess Ursula for advice. And here’s where this show just kind of deteriorates into the land of Wait, What.

Because guess who is pretending to be Ursula?

what’s up bitches

Regina is pretending to be Ursula, guys! I realized this is actually really upsetting because seeing Regina and Actual Ursula interacting would have been so fucking satisfying, but it seems like they’ve neutered her and turned her into a benevolent sea deity rather than a queer icon/badass witch, so maybe I’d be disappointed. Disappointed by this show’s portrayal of my Disney favorites, though? Crazy, right? That shit never happens.

Back on the sound stage that is Neverland, Regina and Rumple are teaming up because Regina is sick of sitting around and having hushed conversations about which shitty dude is supposed to win Emma’s heart. They both want to get to Pan, Regina because he’s kidnapped her son and Rumple because that Pan shadow gives first-rate handies, but it turns out the thing that will do just that is back in Storybrooke. Oops.

you think we could get one of those shadows to look like emma? what? oh no reason

Back in Green Screen Cove, Regina-Ursula has given Ariel a solution that involves some handcuff-like devices. Kinky! Turns out the cuff will turn Snow into a mermaid so she can “escape” the Evil Queen, and Ariel can live the rest of her days with this guy she is just meeting for the second time. Everybody comes away from this a winner, guys. Except not, because the Evil Queen reveals herself and says “Hi, you lose.”

it’s a breast-off, snow. are you in or are you out?

Back in the most tedious storyline to ever be tedious, Team Pollyanna is on their way to find Neal, who is trapped in a Cave of Secrets. Wait, a cave of what? Of SECRETS, you say?

Neal’s in a cage in the middle of the cave. At this point in the episode, I yelled “Leave him there!” but no one listened to me because there were morals to be learned. Under the guise of a plot device that any 7-year old could construct, everyone has to tell a secret to make the bridge that will get them to Neal. Hook’s secret is that he’s finally gotten over that other lady thanks to the love of Charming. Just kidding, he says it’s because of that one time he kissed Emma after skulking and making inappropriate comments at her. True love! Snow’s secret is that she wants to have another baby because this whole attempting to helicopter parent an adult thing has been a real pain in the ass, and baby is more malleable. Charming’s secret is that he can never leave Neverland because he had that drink up on Brokeback Mountain. Emma’s secret is that she wishes Neal were dead because it’d be easier than still loving him, and oh for the love of Goddess, her secret frees Neal from his cage.

Back in the Kingdom of Green Screen and Forever21, Ariel has a chance to go join Eric and his massive dinglehopper, but she decides to sacrifice her happily ever after for another person she just met. Honey, you’re missing the point. Did I mention that Ariel stabs Regina in the neck with a fork? That happened.

Of course, Ariel clearly has to pay for the fork stabbing, and pay she does, because when she swims back to climb Eric like a tree, she’s found that she’s lost her voice. Regina’s conveniently still on the dock, hours and hours later, and tells her that it’s a real bitch when you can’t tell your love how you feel. Regina would know, guys. Regina would know. Sometimes she whispers “I want you” into Emma’s hair when she sleeps.

my eyes are up here, snow

This is all going to come full circle, though, because at the end of the episode we find out that Regina can contact Ariel via a holographic shell projector, and she’s sending Ariel to Storybrooke on a mission. Ariel’s like, wow, last time you made me a deal it was pretty fucking shitty. Regina tells her that a gigantic dinglehopper is waiting for her in Storybrooke, because Eric’s there. And that’s right, Ariel’s main motivation for anything in her plotline is right back to “getting that dude.” Feminism, y’all.

On the note of feminism, let’s hop, skip, and take a liberated jump into the next episode, which some would argue is filler, but I would argue has guns in it, which is a distinct step up in terms of how this show thinks about tangible danger. Magical fireballs? Okay. Gun pointed in the face of our childhood’s beloved princesses? Back the fuck up.

Episode 307

This episode picks up in Storybrooke at the beginning of the season, back when they first sailed to Neverland and Belle was left in charge of everything, as she is a very capable person when she’s not crippled by her relationship with Rumpleforeskin. There’s a lot of magical environment set-up stuff to be done in these first scenes, so go ahead and put your vegan turkey in the microwave because it’s all kind of a narrative blur. The townspeople have to mine pixie dust and run around importantly and make a magical forcefield because some 2005-era hipsters are en route to Storybrooke in their red convertible. A convertible in late autumn Maine? Those boys’ nipples could cut glass at this point.

testes recede into body as neutral milk hotel plays

Regina and Rumple, the official dream team of this show now that they are the ONLY ONES GETTING ANYTHING DONE, give Ariel what she’ll need for her journey to Storybrooke. This includes a nice bracelet and a sand dollar. Because why use any other practical mode of communication when you can use a sand dollar? It’s like we expect this show to have rational solutions to their problems! Regina makes a deal with Ariel, and Ariel, again, despite the history of deals made with Regina, agrees to it because if she succeeds, she’ll get Eric back. Do it for the booty, honey. Regina is an equal opportunity villain, since she makes sure Ariel knows that if Eric and Ariel wanna do it when Ariel still has fish parts, she’s not gonna discriminate.

i’ll give you a twenty if you can grab my vibrator while you’re in town, mommy’s dying

Since Pan has an intimate connection with the island, he can sense that someone has left its boundaries. He can also sense when someone enters its boundaries, so the arrival of the Jolly Roger was a very, um, pleasurable experience for Pan.

daddy likes

The dwarves are chilling at the frigid coastline that Maine calls a beach, when Ariel pulls a Darcy and emerges from the water. She tells them to take her to their leader, and helpless to her children’s Halloween costume and Fredericks of Hollywood bra, they obey.

listen up fives, a ten is speaking

The hipsters from 2005, who are obviously the Darling brothers because duh, have got their eye on that sushi.

you think she’s into the postal service? you think we could inseminate her egg sacks in that cove over there?

Meanwhile at Granny’s, Belle’s staring forlornly at an uneaten burger. This burger reminds her of the time Ruby caught her crying in the snow, and tilted her chin up so she could look into her eyes, and kissed her passionately as the snow whirled around them. Jiminy’s like hey, you know what they say about lesbian werewolves who have been removed from the plot after taking another contract, but then Grumpy busts in with Ariel. Also, let’s talk about the fact that Belle has turned down four burgers in four days. She only eats one burger a day? Sheesh, amateur.

just find a girl with hairy armpits and tell her to howl during intercourse

Ariel and Belle head to Rumpleforeskin’s shop, where Ariel pulls a Winona and starts casing the place, and Belle attempts to get shit done. She did not spend a feature film conversing with inanimate objects for nothing. Because everyone communicates by hologram these days, Rump appears in a cloud of piss-colored smoke to tell them that they’re in search of a box, except he says it in a very cryptic way. Lord knows he couldn’t just send an email with an image attachment of what they’re looking for.

Back on the Neverland sound stage, in a plotline you never ever wanted to bear witness to, Snow is mad at Charming and taking it out on Emma by bringing up Emma’s love life. Oh boy, wow. Snow confronting Emma so they can have a talk about her boring as hell men? We’ve never seen this before. It’s good that they’re spending so much time discussing this love triangle instead of trying to find Henry. They’ve really got their priorities in line.

Pan and henchboy Felix are pretending to be secretive, emphasis on pretending. Pan makes sure he whispers as loudly as possible about Henry not finding out so that Henry will feel compelled to find out. Assessing that there is no way this could possibly be a trap, Henry decides to investigate further. Remember when Henry was precocious and intelligent in an only-slightly-irritating way? Remember when you weren’t worried for his life because he could still deduce simple problems and exercise caution in any given situation? Henry, I know your mother raised you better than this.

is this like when my mom has my other mom over and they tell me not to come into the bedroom for a few days

The “love triangle” is off on a side mission to retrieve what Regina once dubbed an unimpressive nightlight, and once Emma is out of earshot, Hook and Neal decide to put their anxious masculinity to the test. Hook’s like hey, thanks for maturely dealing with the fact that I kissed Emma even though I am a shitty dude. Neal’s like hey, you might have kissed her, but I knocked her up and put her in jail, so I think I win for shittiest dude. And then they stare each other down as if they are about to have a silverback gorilla-esque pounddown because boys are stupid and why do we still have them around.

Belle and Ariel get tied up by the indie rock band circa 2005, and they have a GUN. Shit has never been realer. They’re here on behalf of Pan, and they’ll exchange that magic box for a shitty mixtape that’s just nine different versions of “Lovers’ Spit”.

please stop speaking in the postal service lyrics

The Love Triangle from Hell has found their way to the Dark Hallow, which is a great name for an after-hours lesbian bar, but actually the place where Pan’s shadows live. Hook decides this is a great time to process the kiss with Emma, specifically the part where he told Neal about the kiss. Emma could literally not give less of a shit about how anyone feels about what she puts her mouth on, since again, Henry. Hook pulls out an oversized Flava Flav clock on a chain and taps on it insistently to suggest that time is running out for her to choose between Neal and Hook. Neither one of them is likely to survive the friendzone for much longer, so it’s better to pressure her incessantly while she attempts to recover her child.

Ariel’s helping Belle out of being tied up, which seems like a great opportunity for her and Ariel to use each other as beautiful, beautiful rebounds. Unfortunately, there’s a world to save, and Belle is all about priorities. She’s troubled by everything that’s happened, and Ruby’s not here to caress her lips with her fingertips and suck on her neck.

kinky? this is nothing. you do realize i used to have a fish vagina, right?

Back in the worst storyline you’ve ever encountered, Neal and Hook are pulling off the physical comedy routine of this entire series in an effort to prove their manliness. Never mind that her child is in mortal danger, let’s figure out which inferior example of manhood Emma should bang! Everyone knows love triangles made up of characters you don’t give a shit about are surefire ways to get your audience invested in a narrative, especially when directly contrasted with the plight of an endangered minor! Said failed efforts lead to the boys losing their way to light the coconut. Emma’s left to her own magic devices, and lights the candle all by herself using that handiwork her girlfriend’s been teaching her. The boys are bewildered. When they ask her how she did that, she says “Regina” and it’s beeyootiful.

The Darling boys beat Ariel and Belle to the mines, where they explain that Pan has their sister hostage and that’s why they have to do his bidding. Pan’s kept them stuck in their early twenties forever, complete with perpetual student loans, eternal haggling from parents who want them to go to grad school, and the worst sexual decisions of their life. Belle and Ariel don’t think that the complaints of the millenial generation are legitimate because they refuse to acknowledge the worst economy in years and circumstances beyond anyone’s control. But they think that everyone can work together to beat Pan, because Pan has proven himself to be a slimy little bastard.

i was like mom i can just push back my student loans and she was like that’ll ruin your credit score and i was like you don’t even know how a credit score works

Speaking of slimy little bastards, Henry’s making it almost too easy for Pan to set him up. He follows henchman #46 to the resting place of Wendy, who says the dwindling magic of the island is making her sick. Henry, questioning absolutely nothing about this situation and falling over himself to help out a 114 year old girl with magical TB, says he’ll help her. Oh, Henry. Critical thinking, little buddy. You gotta use it.

Regina and Rumpleforeskin’s super rad beach party is interrupted by Ariel showing up with Pandora’s Box. Ariel gives them the update on what’s up and insists they save Wendy while they’re at it. Regina is in full mama bear mode and only wants to focus on saving Henry, but Ariel is like hey, okay, this is the only time in the storyline I have been motivated to do something that did not end in me fisting Eric, so let me have this character motivation.

Tink’s back, and she and Neal give each other the once-over like okay, damn, that either happened or it will happen. Which would be great, because I’m all for that triangle being decimated in every way possible.

damn bae you can catch me slippin anytime

Next week: Regina and Emma use magic together, which leads them both to climax.

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