I have been known to watch literally anything if it involves lesbians, which is either an incredible strength or an incredible weakness, depending on who you ask. Luckily for me, there are films coming to the big screen very soon that straight up feature lesbians. Cue excitement.
Passion
First up is Passion, a film by Brian de Palma that stars Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace (who I mistyped as Roomi Napace three times in a row in the process of writing this article) being seductive and evil to each other. When I saw the trailer, I had a hunch that the film was based on the French Crime d’Amour, and further investigation has revealed that my hunch was spot on. The original has Kristin Scott Thomas corrupting Ludivine Sagnier in corporate lesbianish ways that are simultaneously arousing and disturbing. I wish that “simultaneously arousing and disturbing” wasn’t a phrase I often employ to describe lesbian characters in films, but that Crazy Potentially Murderous Lesbian trope just does not seem to die. Black Swan, anyone? As incredibly frustrating as it is to only see lesbians on film when they are having sex with men or plotting to seduce and kill straight girls, I stubbornly stand by my ridiculous rule of “if there are lesbians, I will watch it.” So despite the fact that I morally object to the constant alignment of lesbianism with mental defect, I will probably still be throwing money at Passion.Â
According to IMDB, Rachel McAdams plays Noomi Rapace’s boss, and things get dicey when McAdams steals Rapace’s ideas. By dicey, I mean that I’m 99% sure that clip from the trailer is Lisbeth Salander going down on Regina George. The plot follows the protege exacting her revenge on her mentor, possibly with the use of evil scissoring. The comment on the trailer by user Tim Stephen is the plot I’d really like to see, though:
“Regina George post-highschool. After she got hit by that bus, she dwindled into mental instability, growing more and more violent, until even the female lacrosse team wasn’t enough to channel her anger. She now feeds her psychotic rage by fulfilling her hunger for power as she rises up the corporate ladder, and preying on attractive lesbians, because of her eternal grudge against lesbo Janice Ian, who she blames for her unhappiness & is her ultimate target in the end. Freaky shit, right?”
Jack and Diane
Girl meets girl. Girl falls in love with girl. Girl’s parents object to girl-on-girl loving. Girl has to beat the odds to stay with girl. Girl becomes…werewolf? This is definitely not a film based on John Mellencamp’s hit “Jack and Diane,” which is what I had mentally prepared myself for before watching the previews.
I will admit I covered my eyes for most of this trailer because I have really awful trichophobia and that disembodied hair was on some Cindy Sherman shit, but a little Internet snooping has informed me that there is definitely a werewolf in this film. It’s also a coming of age story AND a love story AND Kylie Minogue plays a lesbian cougar. A lesbian cougar. Played by Kylie Minogue.  Just saying. Also, not that I’m keeping track or anything, but Juno Temple has played a probably-lesbian character in THREE films now. This is your cue to go see Cracks, where Eva Green plays, surprise!, a mentally disturbed murderous teacher who has lesbianish things with her students. Yes, I threw money at that one, too, but Eva Green fits four of my six characteristics for ideal type (curvy, femme with a kinky side, English is second language/has accent, brunette) so whatever.
Farewell, My Queen
Marie Antoinette as a lesbian with lesbian feelings! Is this historically accurate? Probably not. Do I care? Absolutely not.
Diane Kruger plays every hipster’s favorite royal, and Lea Seydoux is the lady-in-waiting who would give the queen anything she wants, even… dun dun dun, herself. I have a massive historical boner for all things rococo aesthetic, so I’m going to sit in the theatre drooling regardless of whether or not any ladies take the forty five minutes required to undress their layers of gownage. Film critics, have already received the film with glowing applause, so that is a very good sign. I have a feeling that I will probably cry at some point during this film. I’m also cheered up by the fact that nothing seems particularly problematic and no one looks too crazy or murderous – besides the angry mob who will inevitably be decapitating Marie Antoinette.
