Straight People Watch: Winter 2K18

Welcome back to Straight People Watch, the greatest show on earth! If you’re joining us for the first time, this is we where brief ourselves here at Gay HQ on the most recent heterosexual agenda, so do check in with our 2K17 summer and fall editions, as they will prepare you for the wreckage that lies ahead!

The holidays have come and gone, but straight people? Oh, they’re still here. More than ever. Let’s take a look.



Imagine being able to take the right to marry for granted to the extent that you go to the retail chain store Target to commemorate your special moment with pictures that you will theoretically show people for the rest of your lives, and also considering that “nailing it.” I get it; straight women would go to battle for Target. Straight women would sooner die than loosen their death grips on the bullseye. But I’m begging you not to do this. Please stick to the train tracks and the lakes that you’re used to.

Quick Q: why is A BAT involved in any activity concerning a pregnant woman? Hello? Why are you swinging a bat at or around your wife? Answer me, Mike!

Straight people have essentially been given carte blanche to discriminate against queer people with impunity by a man and an administration who legit wrote “LGBTs” in sharpie on a rainbow flag and they are suddenly uncomfortable with us? We are truly living in hell. This is hell! Y’all, this is it. “I don’t steal or cheat or lie because I don’t want to go to hell!” Too late! It is here and now! You fucked up in some other life!

Okay, there is no way to read this other than “Real men love: bowhunting Jesus,” right? Like, that’s what it says? As much as “Real men love: bowhunting Jesus” doesn’t make sense, “Real men bowhunting: Love, Jesus” SUPER does not make sense. Wait. “Real men: Love, Bowhunting Jesus.” That’s it. Shoot it straight.

Only straight people seek out the kind adrenaline that is awarded by taking a crowbar to death’s door. We’re good on that just generally being out in the world. Good for them, though!

It’s really not essential, and I don’t trust you. Not only do you want people to come to your wedding, come to your wedding with a present, and come to your engagement party, you want people to come to your engagement party with a present. All of this before you ask people to come to your baby shower, and also come to your baby shower with a present. Very cool and normal, basically I get it and agree!

DON’T expect your HUSBAND to do ANYTHING related to being a functioning ADULT otherwise he might feel BAD or even SAD sometimes and you are his MOM and should WANT to help him be the BIGGEST boy he can be!

Y’all have to give The Notebook up. It’s been damn 15 years.

Just drink the beer.

Things: THEY’RE LOOKIN’ UP.

CALM DOWN. BOWHUNTING JESUS CHRIST IT’S A PARTY NOT A SPECIAL OPS FOREST MISSION. IT’S OKAY TO BE SENTIMENTAL. GET YOUR GROOMSMAN A REGULAR GIFT, A NOTE EVEN. WE KNOW YOU’RE NOT GAY.

Ummm, sweaty, we’ve covered this and if you’re such an amazing girlfriend why are you letting him help you cook/hold the knife while you’re just trying to cut some goddamn vegetables?

You know who I love? The future father of my children.

For only 6 pounds, you too can gender your USB PORT?????

Sure, yes, it’s hilarious that you could have a gay baby. Congrats. (not)


Why dream about true love when you could read about… conditional marriage.

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

92 Comments

  2. Gendering of inanimate objects is so common that I first noticed the lack of apostrophes on those charger stickers.

  4. I was going to venture out to see the horror film Winchester today but this has scared me more than anything that could be in a movie! Officially locking all of the doors and hiding under the covers from straight people!

  5. All of these are just too appalling.

    And revealing of a terrible truth: finally they admit that Jesus is their prey. I’m sure someone will get a stern talking-to for revealing the straight agenda.

    Erin what you must wade through to find these nuggets, I can’t even. You’ve got an amazing constitution.

  6. I hope that the Real Men who love bowhunting Jesus aren’t after Lesbian Jesus Hayley Kiyoko. She is busy queer parenting in Appalachia and has no time for their straight shooting.

  7. OK, but now all my brosmaids are definitely getting tactical knives if I ever screw up and get married.

    Novelty flasks PUH-SHAW

  8. that scribbled “LGBTs” exhausts me every time. the craven and transparent cynicism of it…

    but this article brought me joy! merci!!

  10. Not gonna lie, if those were fanfiction covers, I’d probably be into those conditional marriage stories just a little bit.

  11. “an administration who legit wrote “LGBTs” in sharpie on a rainbow flag”
    Then held the flag upside down, in a sign of distress

  13. Art as always, but especially your reference to the greatest song of all time, TLC’s 1994 smash hit, Waterfalls.

  15. But wait I thought that last book said “Mail Order Bride Witch” and I had a sudden, deep stab of hopeful joy that I might be able to read that book, followed swiftly by an equally deep stab of disappointment.

  16. “Accidental courtship”

    I smiled at something I was reading on the bus and the dude opposite me thought I wanted to sleep with him.

  17. “His Chosen Bride: Her Stalking Nightmare.

    Or how she decided to ditch dating dudes and kickstart the revolution.

  18. Two summers ago, I worked in a small town public library and my job was to sort through the crusty CVS bags of erotic romance novels the local Straights furtively dropped in our donation bin like unwanted children. That experience taught me far more than I ever wanted to know about how desperately straight women want to read about Amish people hard core boning each other. My favorite title of the summer?

    “Pregnant by the Texan.”

    I swear to Athena I’m not making that up.

  20. However, if “Honor-Bound Lawman” was a kinky queer Daddy novel…

    …then that could be for a book club (led by Alaina?)…

  22. Honor-Bound Lawman seeks His Chosen Bride, but a last-minute Mail Order Bride Switch leads to an Accidental Courtship followed by an Inconvenient Marriage

    This is some straight-up 1990s Kevin Costner plot right here.

  23. *Ahem* as a fan of lesfic… I kinda recognize some of these plot points. But way hotter in my world.

  24. you know when you’re in the kitchen and people are like “can i help?” and you’re like “no i’m good! the best way to help would be to get out of my way!” those one-pot cooking husbands are like, really going against the grain regarding that request, which i am confident has been made. COMPRESSION-HUGGING YOUR WIFE DOESN’T COUNT AS HELPING IN THE KITCHEN HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO CHOP LET GO

    • GODDDDD or like, when you’d play that game where you stand with your hands behind your back and a friend goes behind you and puts their hands out in front and you use their hands to do stuff. Like, NO CHAD, this isn’t a game. GO AWAY.

    • All I can imagine with those photos is people’s hands getting nicked by the big knife as the two people try to “lovingly” fumble around together and cut vegetables.

  27. Today has already been the starkest reminder of the kind of straight people watch I’m going to have to endure for the next 14 or so years of my kid’s school career. I submitted our application for elementary school. Walking through the school yard as all the parents were congregating, I got a Costco-style sample of the kind of PTA intense competitive personalities I get to interact with. Filling out the form, I crossed out ‘Father’, replacing it with ‘Other Mother’ ?, and remembered “Oh yeah, we get to be ‘those parents”’ here too”, (which the school secretary’s face validated while looking it over). Then they asked about my kid’s gender. Whyuhhhhhh??????????????

    This article was great as usual. At the very least, the upcoming years are going to make for some perfect Christopher Guest-style satire inspo.

  31. Trends I am starting to notice, most of these people are White people from the West(or Australia), and that no one has good taste.

    I personally wouldn’t mind playing that squirting game. I’ll just pretend it’s a non-man, which is fairly easy to do.

  33. Oh, and the Bowhunting Jesus and the gold hunting knife reminded me that when my cousin had his second child, the baby photo shoot they did featured their daughter lying naked in front of two hunting rifles and next to a deer skull. It was truly horrifying!

    • Sometimes I forget I’m actually a Southerner, but then I read this and remember because I’m not immediately horrified just concerned about the naked baby.
      “She could get cold, or bit by mosquitoes, or TICKS!” cause for some reason I see this photo shoot happening outside.

      • Surprisingly, it was actually in a studio. And yeah, the South is full of horrors like this so you get used to it.

  34. I recently bought a “women’s” tool set from target and it’s pink and I have NO REGRETS (also it was teh same price as the men’s one and cuter so why not??? the pointlessly gendered marketing WORKED)

  36. Straight marriage: don’t expect your husband to help with the chores, but be prepared to have him hover behind you creepily while you try to make a pot roast

  37. My inner Hermione is quite Catholic and immediately spat out “I think you mean Saint Sebastian” as soon as we saw ‘bowhunting Jesus’.

    But cool story the creepy Jesus statue in the original Carrie film was a St. Sebastian statue.

  38. Holy cow! Things are dire out there. But the baby gender reveal rainbow balloons hahaha one made me maaaad

  39. But what if it’s Real Men Love Bowhunting-Jesus (Shoot Straight); as in real men love jesus(who bowhunts)??? Maybe they are so straight they are gay for Jesus?

    • Omg I really want to watch a true documentary series titled “So Straight They Are Gay for Jesus”

      • I’m 100% sure some people are gay for some of those seriously chiseled crucified Jesuses.

        The one in my home parish was gorgeous and possibly my bondage root.

  40. Earlier today as I spilled a bag of garbage all over the kitchen floor, I wondered when I’d ever get my act together. Having seen what the straights are up to, I think I’m doing alright. At least I didn’t tale engagement photos in a Target.

    But speaking of engagements – is giving people an engagement gift common anymore? I was recently invited to an engagement party / bar gathering by two friends and I bought them a French press and coffee. My mom suggested I bring a gift because it would be questionable to show up empty-handed, but then only one other person had brought a gift. My friends are in their late 20s like me, so maybe expectations have changed with time?

    I’m not upset, I’d give my friends Michael and Diana gifts and coffee any day of the week. I’m just confused.

  41. Hi everyone, hello, sorry to interrupt, just a small question:

    Did the engagement-photo couple buy toilet paper? Is that what they’re doing here?

  42. 1. “I get it; straight women would go to battle for Target. Straight women would sooner die than loosen their death grips on the bullseye.” I’d go to battle for Target.

    2. What is a pre-engagement party? Is it like a party for people who have decided they want to get engaged but haven’t proposed yet? Are there pre-baby showers for people want to have a baby, but aren’t expecting one yet? What’s happening in the world? Please just tell me I read it wrong.

    3. a ha ha ha ha your kid might turn out LGBT, what a joke, i’m sure they’ll love knowing what you think of that

  43. The box itself (containing rainbow balloons) bears pink and aqua dots, with a white stripe across the middle; trans rep.

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