Straight People Watch: Summer 2018

Hello, cupcakes and stud muffins, salads and meats, pinks and blues, guns and tiaras, dogs and cats, sport balls and books, gray-bottled body washes and body washes, shops and salons! Welcome to another Straight People Watch, our own private hell!

As many of you know, things… aren’t great. Straight people continue to wage their war on decency, style, and logic while the waters and temperatures rise. Still, we must supervise the chaos, tired and detached, like a hungover substitute teacher.

I don’t know if it’s due to the thrill of now having an audience or the delinquent nature of summer, but one thing’s for sure: the heterosexuals have been on a tear as of late.

This is on some “I ordered my American Girl doll the SEAL Team 6 kit” vibes.

Mommy, I love you so much and *loads magazine of 30 bullets* I just want to thank you *takes off safety* for everything you do for me *cranks chamber* and my sisters, Haley and McKhaley. *while firing all 30 bullets* Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom in the world. *a gas tank being used as the target explodes in the distance*

Brought to you by our very own Community Editor is this piece of information that I now consider every time I encounter a coupled straight man. I’ve thought about taking it a step further and asking if an item a coupled straight man is wearing is their LSP (Last Single Piece). I’m sure many will pretend they don’t know what I’m talking about when I inquire about their LSP, but there’s no way Vanessa’s incident was an isolated one. To those already single I’ll say, “Wow, man, look at all these potential LSPs!” while I point to their coats of many khaki. I wouldn’t fault you if you did the same!

HELP WHY DOES GOD LOOK LIKE A GUY NAMED DARREN TO STRAIGHT WHITE PEOPLE?! Hey, it’s me, God, Mike’s buddy from FanDuel fantasy football and/or the Golden State Killer, and I just wanted to tell you it’s chill if you mess up sometimes, ’cause like, we all do it. At the end of the day it is what it is, bro.

Also please do not disrespect me and ask me how I know this is straight white people’s doing.

Look at Darren’s work!

Sassy VH1 memes? This phrase is haunting my brain and every time I try to unlock its meaning, a new layer of the maze presents. Sassy… VH1… Memes… Sassy VH1 memes. Sassy memes, VH1. VH1’s sassy memes. Also why is soy capitalized? Is he referring to soy as like Big Soy, a la Big Data and Big Tobacco?  It’s dark in here and I’m scared!

What an upsetting piece of media. If I had to see this YOU had to see this. Something I love is when someone laughs nervously after I kiss them.

This is from a decade ago, yes, but it was brought to my attention last month and so I’ll be allowing it. There’s obviously a lot going on here. What does the first comment even mean, for example. Then just a symbol-depiction of boobs. Little does that person know that there’s the opportunity for twice the ( o )( o ) with reserved women.

Among the City of Angels walks the devil himself. I have to pass this every single day, and every day I’m surprised that their version of a sign-spinner isn’t a man non-stop punching a wall. I will never know peace.

https://twitter.com/barstoolhrtland/status/1019905856769544197

Ah, Barstool, the apple of Straight People Watch’s eye. Look, I understand that everyone has their passion, but what in the hell are we actually doing here. Left to their own devices queer people will create a vegetable co-op and gather under the new moon to set their intentions — and this is what’s happening on their end.

https://twitter.com/wicklund_lainey/status/1023335337341476864

LET THEM PERISH.

I’ll be honest, as a female, I have no idea what any of this means or is referring to, but could the headline here have read “women” instead of “female gamers”? That’s just one thought I had as a female writer. This femalely reminds me of the trend from last summer where straight people were considering whether or not married people could text people of “the opposite sex,” and I’m excited for next summer when I hear with my female ears that straight people are debating whether or not their spouse can have a doctor or female doctor treat them.

Straight from the DMs isn’t a story from 1930!

One. Million. A. Year. First of all, stop having babies. Officially, we’re good. Second of all, I’m going to be the dead body in Party City from this tweet if this continues.

I’m not linking to this tweet that was sent to me, because it autoplays and traumatized me, but I will set the scene for you: this woman sent a picture of her newly engaged hand to a group of friends without realizing it was a Live Photo, which included her fiancé hopping toward her with his pants and boxers down in the background. Imagine. Imagine the person you’ve just committed the rest of your life to decides the best thing to do upon you trying to capture the moment is to expose themselves while hopping toward you. Roughly how old are men in their 20s/30s?

:)  :) :) :)

Checking in for the Wage Gap Haver! I’ll need a single bed for a fifth more of the price, if you could swing it. Also, hello, I’m an adult man who can pay for a hotel and I’d like one “his” personal care kit please! I’m a big boy!

When the hubby gets inked for you.

I love that this man brags in his opening line that he and his wife didn’t have a gender reveal moment on social media as if he isn’t writing a 2000 word article on his baby’s gender reveal. Straight people and their bread/meat/vegetable thing as if babies are a charcuterie plate is really sending me to a new drag dimension. You know what’s a food that’s almost a baby, like your almost-baby? AN EGG. GO EAT EGGS, THAT AT LEAST MAKES SENSE. PAIR IT WITH FLAPJACKS & JANES, HA-HA-HA, LIKE THE MAN AND WOMAN NAME.

I’m so tired.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s (big) tobacco.

Are you sure YOU don’t have anger issues? Your husband’s dead and a skeleton who operates an AK-47. It’s okay not to know what to do with grief or fear. We all handle it differently. Okay and this is a serious question: do straight people want to… fuck guns?

1.) Get Me Pregnant Or Let Me Go is my one-woman show that I will be taking on the road. 2.) Do straight people know they can adopt? 3.) “Starring down the barrel” confirms it: straight people want to fuck guns. 4.) These people deserve each other.

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

123 Comments

  2. I’m heading into Hammer and Nails this instant to demand nice manly pants that fit my hips and thighs.

  4. All of these are terrifying/hilarious in their own way, but you really got me with the skeleton-husband commentary, Erin.

    • For context the restaurant is called “Meat & Bread”. It’s a lunch place where they only do sandwiches. Still a very weird washroom choice for them to have made though.

    • I’m so confused. Is it a clever nod to the idiocy of gendered toilets? Is it another expression of the gender binary based on physical characteristics? If so, which is the penis? I mean, I know the penis is often referred to in meaty terms… but surely bread is also phallic? Or maybe that’s just because I live in France? But it’s not like flatbread or round loaves are very vulva-like, right? Maybe if it was specifically bread rolls, because they get “stuffed” with “meat”…?

      So confused!

    • Oh gods I think I know what it is and I hate it.

      They do sandwiches.

      Meat in between two slices of bread.

      …WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT NOW SANDWICHES SOUND GROSS SOMEHOW WHY

      • I mean I like sandwiches. Sex is a thing that is good. And the bathroom is a thing everyone uses. But why in all that is good would you intentionally and clumsily smash all 3 of those things together in the minds of your customers at your sandwich shop where they come to eat things.

  7. This was a wild ride. I feel like I had something to say about each one, but by the end of it, I just felt lost and alone and all I could remember is that I LOLed at “Haley and McKhaley”.

  8. Reading Straight People Watch kind of feels like watching the music video for “Black Hole Sun”.

  10. Gender reveals are a plot by Big Gender to sell more balloons. Also I feel like I’ve seen things 10 times more viscerally disturbing than swapping dips at any number of queer performance art shows lol

  11. I’m going to spend the rest of the night trying to figure out the bread thing.

    Me, just now:

    “Oh, it’s because labia sometimes vaguely resemble a hot dog bun?

    But a baguette kinda looks like a schlong?

    But women can have buns in the oven?

    But that would make us the oven, not the bread?”

    Gahhhh!

  12. I saw that story about the twins marrying a set of twins and apparently they are all going to live together. So yeah…

  13. I heard that engagement ring Live Photo story from one of my coworkers (apparently the girl lives in Brooklyn) so of course now that I have a link to view it for myself I couldn’t resist. Just… why are guys like this???

  14. ALSO that is the most painfully awkward/bad kiss I have ever seen. Do I even want to ask what show you were watching or why these people were awkwardly kissing in front of a plain white background? So weird.

      • You have my deepest admiration. That was just sooooo bad. So bad.

        You do so much for us I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about the long-term repercussions.

    • I’m so glad someone asked—I was very curious. Horrendous reality TV that *might* be performance art is kinda my jam lately

  16. Now wanting to take signs with me to stick over every gendered washroom sign.

    Pomegranates and Melons

    Cucumbers and Zucchinis

    Mustard and Mayonnaise

    And watch only straight ppl dance around in pee-anxiety.

    • The strangest bathroom signs I personally encountered so far (at a tryhardly “woke” hipster place) were a “plug” and a “plug socket” picture, respectively. Never again did I stare so hard and incredulously at bathroom doors.

      Thank you for your bravery, Erin. Also, maybe you could do a “Straight Hipster Watch” Edition? I find much hilarity in the “totally ironic” cisnormativity/sexism of that crowd.

  17. This brought us so much joy and Erin we just want to say thank you so much for your holy work

  19. YES! Male grooming stores and babershops are like “MAKE THE NAME SO MANLY SO THAT THEY KNOW ONLY MEN CAN GET A FADE FROM HERE AND THEY’RE GONNA FEEL REAL OVERCONFIDENT ABOUT USING TOOLS AFTERWARDS EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO TECHNICAL KNOWLEDGE AND ARE ONLY A DANGER TO THEMSELVES”.

    There’s a barber and grooming supplies place that I pass on my way to work called “Man Up”. Little do they know that’s the local drag king/gender fuck performance night.

    • trying to find a barber that will cut my hair is the WORST when they all have these “super manly men only” signs everywhere

  20. i have terrible news – i once found a stranger’s kindle, and in an effort to find the owner i opened it up to see what was on it

    the owner had been halfway through reading what i can only describe as truly terrible straight erotica, which i read a bit of, out of horrified fascination.

    therein lay a detailed scene where a man used a gun (thankfully without bullets – they specified) to fuck a woman.

    so.

    if straight people don’t fuck guns, they at least fantasise about it.

    i handed that kindle into the lost and found and idk what happened to it after that, and i’m honestly not that sad that i never met the owner!

  21. …That was the saddest fucking attempt at a mosh pit I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen slouchy emaciated goth children in Tripp pants try to mosh without breaking their slouch.

    You’ve flapped the barely flappable Erin.
    Eris would be proud.

  22. This is the perfect teetering balance of terrifying and hilarious.

    But real life, I probably saw the person who would have been wearing that obviously white supremacist shirt. They were in a jeep on I5 inOregon and I was losing my mind.

    • Same. :( There’s a meme going around that’s something like “men think Predator is more satisfying than marriage” and I know it’s supposed to be a joke but also why do straight people hate each other so much?

      • I used to find it so perplexing how they constantly run each other down. Then it hit me. Social obligation, not love.

  24. I think I suddenly understand why a straight married woman that I thought was a work contact has been blowing me kisses via text? ??

  25. I had no idea how much I needed this tonight. Had to try to keep from laughing to avoid trying to explain this gloriousness to a straight man.

  27. Guys I think Meat&Bread have single-handedly solved the trans bathroom crisis: “shut up Becky, the bathroom literally says “BREAD” on the door, the bill does not say whether I must use “MEAT” only bathrooms.

  28. Having minor existential crisis about the fact these posts keep getting better being an indicator we are accelerating even faster towards civilisation’s demise.

    That aside, what about appropriating the LSP as the Last Straight Piece, aka the last garment bought before realising you’re gay.

    Except rather than fetishistically wearing it, it is flaunted before a panel of queer onlookers, for gentle and loving excoriation.

    • I don’t know what my LSP was but my wardrobe/look was SUPER GAY way before I ever realized I was bi (I even did the stereotypical haven’t-realized-I’m-queer-yet shaved side of my head).
      My girlfriend and I occasionally play this game where I show her my old fb profile pictures and she shouts “HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW?”

  29. We need to sway the straight women away from Darren…..I’m genuinely concerned about all of the guns like seriously, why?!

  30. I need more straight people watch. It’s like that bad reality show program you just can’t quit

  32. I’m sorry but LSP is Lumpy Space Princess and I cannot think of it standing for anything else.

  36. Confidential to Lain (and all straight women who think having a bf is kinda like having a kid):

    Just because you date losers doesn’t mean all men are losers. Find you a guy who’s capable of taking care of himself – maybe try a nice bi guy or one raised by lesbians.

    Good luck. I know you can do this.

  37. The other day my coworker described having gone to see this play in which a man wakes up in bed with a strange woman, on his wedding day, unable to remember what went down last night, and which ends with the groom marrying the one-night stand and the best man getting engaged to the woman who was going to be the bride. All in the space of one day. The promotional image is ye old “woman dragging man to the altar cake topper” trope. I don’t think I managed to hide my “are straight people okay????” face from my coworker.

  38. Hammer and Nails should be the name of a lesbian sex club with the tagline “grooming shop for sexual fulfillment”.

  39. That kiss was easily the most disturbing thing I’ve ever watched.

    Also, I will check in on my dentist at my next appointment. Maybe her ice cream rations have been upped to 2 a month! We can only hope Darren has given her his blessing!

  40. For whatever reason, the straight obsession with using food to represent the sex organ of their unborn child disturbs me in a way that I have never been able to shake.

    • I’m so confused. This reads like a satire piece with slightly too many hint of sincerity. My favorite bit was “mayophobia”.

  42. I second all the confusion on bread and meat labeled restrooms.

    ALSO, that kissing scene in a oddly white room reminds me of the scene from The Matrix where Neo and Morpheus go into a infinite white room where they conjure up anything they can imagine. Which makes me wonder who/why/what imagines the most awkward interaction I’ve ever seen.

  44. Ok, but did any of you read that NYT article about online dating where they found that male desirability peaks at 50 and women’s at… wait for it…. EIGHTEEN? I thought of Straight People Watch immediately. Barf.

    • Yes and it said that men in their 30s were spending HALF their time messaging TEENAGE girls …???

    • It changed?! I thought it was 23 or up to 25? In any case, I read years ago some kind of an equation or something about figuring out who one should be going after according to age. As far as 50 for the men, I suppose if they want gold diggers who are just waiting for them to die.

  45. OMG one of those “Hammer and Nails” places is opening up across the street from me :( I think I retched a little when I saw what it was gonna be. Hayley Kiyoko save us…

  47. “Hey, it’s me, God, Mike’s buddy from FanDuel fantasy football and/or the Golden State Killer.”

    This took me entirely out.

  48. I’ve seen that dancing before. In my 20s I’d go to metalcore and hardcore shows and it was mostly dudes just doing this. However, I can assure you I have seen GBTQ men doing this in person. I was going to also cite AFI and how their video for Leaving Song Pt.2 shows hardcore dancing but turns out Davy isn’t bi, just a gnc cis-het man(met him once and he was really wanted to show off his new purse to anyone in the area).

    As for the last let’s just say I know lgbtq people who were in a similar situation, but more like have a kid with me or my other partner(cis-het man) will get me pregnant(person is queer polyam, partner a queer trans woman).

  49. This is brilliant and terrifying, as usual.

    I watched that “friend doesn’t realize she sent a live photo” video probably 10 times in horrified disgust, and I have so many questions. So many of the tweet replies are like “good for her” or referring to how embarrassing it is that she accidentally send the live photo, but not about “what the hell is he doing,” which leads me to believe that…this is a thing…that straight men do??? Someone tell me that is not the case. Please.

  50. I’m confused. Isn’t Party City the place that Sharon Needles came from? How did it get to be so gender normative?

  51. First, Gun Lady’s husband’s cardigan looking thing looks totally out of place with everything else in that photo. Were they hunting for the Christmas turkey?

    Second, @Erin two things: the last time I saw “stud muffin” was when someone had it as a username on a PlayStation 3 game many years ago, WHICH BRINGS ME TO PINK HAIR’S DRAMA!! I don’t know much about but decided to read that since it was there and probably Twitter Moments was slow. His explanation was that people will probably start to insinuate he is cheating on his wife (who is also a Twitch gamer I think. I don’t know or care about any of those people nor use that site). It’s bizarre reasoning but I’ll take a wild guess that the people who watch him might be the same kids who attack everyone who says something negative about PewDiePie no matter how deserved the criticism is.

    Finally, based on how you bothered posting about that concert, it would probably be great to see your reaction to the Wall of Death. \m/(>_<)\m/

    • I’ve seen the wall of death about 3 times and all of it was during Lamb of God’s closing track Black Label. Singer would count 1, 2, 3, about 15 seconds into the song(before his vocals come on) and just watch pure anger and violence come out. Usually, someone is bleeding on the face or arms by the end song. I’ve even seen a butch partake one year at Ozzfest.

      • NO DON’T TELL HER WHAT IT IS BEFORE SHE’S SEEN IT!! By the way, a few weeks ago, I found out that in the US, there are supposed to be sign language interpreters at all concerts. One was so passionate, LoG’s vocalist actually stood next to her because he was so impressed with how she was trying to convey the lyrics.

        Also, Deathcore Dad Memes (on Facebook) has a video with the caption “Chelsea Grin makes the people dance” and that guy dancing at that concert is honestly one of the best videos I’ve seen because people don’t expect to see that. Makes me wonder if they’ve ever heard of Mahafsoun; she bellydances to metal. Although the stuff she does has no relation to it, she is part of the LGBTQ+ community!!

        • As a Middle Eastern belly dancing to metal sounds pretty interesting. I’d be interested in watching.

          • She has lived in Canada since she was eight but she’s actually Persian and Russian!! Sometimes when she goes live on Instagram with her mom, she speaks in Farsi. She also has a great singing voice and is the vocalist for a band that’s just starting out called AKHETH. You should check her out!!

  52. Just came back to revisit this, don’t really know why but I’ve been thinking of it off and on all day.

    My one takeaway though is that since they’ve been “In Charge” for like Millenia it’s really no wonder the world that we’ve got now is pretty well fucked.

  53. I’m just seeing this now, and one of the comments on twitter about the gender reveal party is, “Weak. If you can’t stand fireworks being shot at you, don’t go to gender reveal parties.” Which works out, if you don’t want to do either.

  54. Saw this on the TV in doctor’s office lobby

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N8fd1CLJQ6A

    It’s a commercial for a DME (diabetic macular edema, it’s eye thing) drug

    “Your eyes are a beautiful pair”

    The visual is a lady anthropomorphized eye with fancy eyelashes and a gentleman anthropomorphized eye with no eyelashes at all.

    Eyes are supposed to be homo.

  56. Of course God is a white cisgendered heterosexual man. Take a look at the world around us. Only a cishet white guy could fuck things up this badly, and still feel entitled to total praise, worship, and obedience.

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