Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

You know what I would love to see in the comments section? “This comment has been removed because: misandry.” It could be activated by a big red button on Riese’s laptop.
Riese: Will you make me this button? Did you know that red is my favorite color?

are gal pal crop tops coming back in non-xl sizes/do you think i could shrink it in the wash??
Riese: I think you COULD shrink it in the wash and yes, we’ll bring ’em back when the snow melts and the sun rises above us, draping our naked shoulders and exposed midriffs with warmth and light.

Dear Autostraddle, I have never been to A Camp before and I would really like to go this year. BUT If I get to go, there is a thing I am worried about: am I too old? I’m in my late 30s and I’m worried that I won’t fit in or that being there will make it weird for everyone else.
Riese: Hi! I’m 34, Laneia is 35, and Heather is 37. I just wanted to get that out in the open before we continue. Anyhow, you’re not too old! Look, most campers are in their twenties, that’s the truth. There’s always one cabin of folks who are all at least 35, and usually two cabins with ages ranging from 27-35. We get a lot of women who’ve recently gotten divorced and realized they’re big ‘ol homos, and we get a lot of women who are young at heart, and we get a lot of women who are 30+ who just think camp sounds like a shit-ton of fun. We’ve also existed now for four years, which means a lot of people who came to us in their late 20s are still coming back in their early 30s. I mean, I met my girlfriend at A-Camp and she’s ten years younger than me! The funny thing about the cabins of mostly returning campers is how wide the age spread is, because people form great cross-generational bonds. Definitely nobody will think you are weird. We usually have a few campers in their 40s and 50s, too.

Laneia: I think you’ll really like camp!! I’m glad you’re coming.

What is the Autostraddle plugin?
Riese: I’m not altogether sure… maybe you’re talking about the Amazon plug-in?

Have you ever thought about getting Gaby Dunn for A-Camp? I’d love that!
Riese: You are going to be really excited when you find out that Gaby Dunn is going to be at A-Camp. I guess that moment is now? This is your moment. GET EXCITED!

WHY ARE THE AUTOSTRADDLE GROUPS SUCH GHOST TOWNS? I use facebook all the time for so many things but I don’t like being in non-private FB groups for my gay online socializing and I just FEEL like that’s where the straddlers are Actually Grouping Also, thankyou thankyou thankyou for existing, you are all treasures and add so much to my life. Internet communities are so important to me
Laneia: I really don’t know! Maybe you should yell at people in the Friday Open Thread comments and be like WHY ARE THE AUTOSTRADDLE GROUPS SUCH GHOST TOWNS and then y’all can work toward a better town, together. A non-ghost town. I mean, you’d obviously allow ghosts, I’m not saying it’d be a ghost-free town. You know.

If you want more first timers at a-camp why not create a quota for them? Stopping registration made my friend, who is a first timers that I spent months complimenting camp to, end up wait listed because she could not access a computer after the registration re-opened.
Riese: This is funny because we stopped registration specifically to ensure that new campers could sign up! We made it clear what time registration would re-open so people could plan accordingly, as opposed to people just having to hope and pray it’d still be open when they had a chance. I’m really sorry that your friend ended up wait-listed and I really hope that she gets in off the waitlist! If she added herself that night her chances are really good.

Hello wonderful people! Might you be able to provide any statistics re: the A-Camp waiting list? Like, what number or percentage of waitlisted people usually get in, or do most people who are going to get in do so by a certain date, or anything like that? I hate to be one of Those People who are constantly like “WHAT ARE MY CHANCES??” because would it actually change my actions one whit if you were somehow able to tell me that my chances are 55% vs. 52% or whatever, or even 90% vs. 1%? No it would not, because I would still stay on the waitlist no matter what my chances were, so this whole exercise is largely pointless, I understand that! And I understand that it would be a ton of work if you had to tell every single person on the waitlist their position and chances of getting in, etc., and you have probably gotten fifty million questions about this already. But I just can’t help asking. It would soothe my anxious brain to have some numbers, even if they are inauspicious ones! Also, have you considered possibly setting up some kind of lottery system for future years? I’m starting to think that the only way I’ll ever get into A-Camp again is if I take off work and just sit on the computer repeatedly refreshing Autostraddle so I can sign up as soon as registration opens, which I am 1000% willing to do and very lucky to be able to do, but that would be sad for the people who don’t have the kind of job/life where they can do that. I realize no system can be 100% fair when we live in an unfair world though! And I totally don’t mean any of this as a complaint, I understand it’s just a matter of demand exceeding supply and you guys not wanting to raise prices too much, which I love, and I’m thrilled that so many people have the desire and ability to sign up for A-Camp. Last camp was a beautiful burst of joy in a year in which I was desperately sad, and I will always be so grateful for that, even if I never get in again.
Riese: Yes I think we do need to change how registration works in the future — last year was the first camp since 1.0 where we went into camp with people still on the waitlist, and were surprised that it filled up even faster this time. 2.0 wasn’t full, 3.0 was full but all waitlisters had been invited, 4.0 wasn’t full and 5.0 was full but all waitlisters had been invited in. So yeah I’m thinking about how to do registration differently just to be sure more people have a chance to sign up.

I mean obviously what everybody says is that this means we should raise the price, but I don’t want to do that. SO your chances: last year we opened registration on January 27th, and it filled up right away. Everybody who added themselves to the waitlist before February 4th, as well as over half of those who added themselves on February 4th, were eventually invited to register. The thing is that a LOT of people add themselves to the waitlist and then don’t sign up when invited — probably about 75% of them. So knowing where you are on the list is probably not super-useful information.

So my question is why are there users I can report their comments and the ones I actually want to report I don’t have the option to do so???
Laneia: I think this is because the people you’re wanting to report aren’t registered users, and therefore can’t be reported. Whereas the reportable ones are registered, and funnily enough, therefore less likely to need to be reported. Ain’t life grand?

Are you charged any fees to receive our PayPal donations or do you get the full amount we send? I just made a tiny donation because I’m impressed at your collective mindreading skills, also slightly embarrassed about my grown-up need for scissoring stickers.
Riese: Hello! We do not get the full amount you send, we have to pay a 2.9% fee to PayPal. Same thing for payments that go through Stripe.

Thank you all for everything you do, you are changing lives on a shoestring budget and you should all be so proud! That’s all, I hope you have a great week!

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

yesterday i had a nightmare about not signing up for camp on time
Riese: I really hope that this is one dream that did not come true.

Laneia: I had a nightmare that my dog kept waking me up throughout the night by walking all over my body as I was sleeping NO WAIT that actually happened.

brb, i’m going to do a remake of the revenant, only with me trying to survive in the wilderness just to get revenge on the academy for the carol snub.
Rachel: Oh my sweet prince(ss), how did you know what we all needed

I just wanted to tell you about a lovely dream I was starting to have this morning, It was a concert of music from classic films about brave lesbian RAF pilots from WWII, with live re-enactments of favorite scenes. Tragically, the alarm went off just as the show started so I don’t know what my brain was going to cook up. I can’t think of a single such film, but don’t you agree they ought to exist? The whole thing reminded me of the wonderful Autostraddle team.
Rachel: I’ll be honest I am very upset I can’t watch this

wow wow wow check these amazing photos out! 
Riese: Ah yes I love this set! I’m confused about why they’re saying that it was just opened to the public, because those photos have been on the new York Public Library’s website for at least six years. That’s actually where I got a lot of the pictures for this from.

My amazing gf and I spent the other night in bed knitting, beading, drinking tea, and watching the Great British Baking Show. I would like to personally recommend this cheap stay-in date night to all AS readers.
Laneia: Lord have mercy this sounds like the perfect evening. Last night I read Order of the Phoenix while Megan watched The X-Files and it was pretty good, pretty chill. We should’ve incorporated tea though.

I recently got laid off, which is the worst, but refreshing AS throughout the day in between applying to jobs has made it a little better AND I’m pretty sure I can manage the Cobalt membership during this period of unemployment by job hunting more at the public library instead of the coffee shop. Thanks for the sliding scale options. Hoping to upgrade when I start making the big bucks
Laneia: Ugh I’m sorry you were laid off! I hope you find a new job so fast, and I hope that at this new job, you have time to still refresh AS throughout the day. And I hope your library is pretty/has lots of windows.

I just wanted to tell someone because I really think I’m going to burst if I don’t. I met a girl and she’s absolutely wonderful. We’ve been talking for over a month now and I really like her and she really likes me. It’s not perfect – we both have our own mental health issues, neither of us is out (she came out and then went back in because she wasn’t safe), but things are really great in spite of that and I’m growing as a person in a really great way and nobody else can see it and I really just needed to share.
Rachel: Well I am so glad you shared this because it sounds amazing and we’re very proud of you!

YOU GUYS. I wore my Gal Pal crop top over Labor Day weekend when I visited my family, and then I wore the Gal Pal sweater over Christmas, and my homophobic super religious mom loved them both and thought they were adorable. She has also expressed her love of my Tomboy Femme shirt. AUTOSTRADDLE: WINNING OVER MOMS WITH FASHION.
Riese: You know what this means, right, it means that next winter you have to knit your Mom a Gal Pal scarf!

You guys, I just hated Carol so much. I’m excited for a queer lady movie being so wildly popular and all, but I just thought it was so bad. I saw it with 3 friends and we all hated it, but we might have been the only people in the theater who did. People clapped at the end and we just stared at each other. We were so bored the entire time because there is no action or much dialogue, but there is a lot of staring into the distance. This is my summary of Carol: first 1.5 hours-nothing happens, 5 minutes-boobs and a gun, last 30 minutes-anticlimactic ending. Please tell me I’m not the only one with this opinion??? I wanted to like it a lot…but I didn’t.
Heather: You’re not the only one with this opinion. I have two good friends who hated it too. One who is a mom and hated what happened with Rindy and one who really loathes Therese. And yeah, for sure, if Todd Haynes’ style is not a thing you enjoy, I’ll bet you were bored to death. The good news is there were a couple of other supremely good lesbian films last year. Try Grandma with Lily Tomlin! Try Dope!

you guys i am not drunk but i am tired enough to be functionally drunk because i was just on a plane or a layover for eighteen hours and life is hell but anyway autostraddle is fantastic and i wanted to say that last semester was brutal and my depression almost killed me to the point where i was surprised when i got to the end of the semester and i was still around and my job was really stressful like my doctor says i might have an ulcer kind of stressful and school was hard because on top of said job i was taking a full load of classes and doing like ten extracurriculars because i have too much ambition and also am masochistic apparently but anyway i wanted to say that autostraddle brightened my day in a time that i really needed it and i don’t comment really often but i wanted to say that the work you all do is really meaningful and you make a shitty world slightly less shitty and i think that’s pretty fucking cool. also i don’t like to brag about grades to friends because comparisons like that are gross BUT even with all of that shit going on i got a 4.0 this semester which brought my overall gpa up to a 3.95 and i’m really fucking proud. okay. that’s it. i’m done. sorry for the swearing. you guys are champs.
Riese: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GPA, your life sounds not very different from how my life was when I was in school too, I think sometimes it is hard to have brains like ours but when we grow up hopefully we can make things that ease those with brains like ours, you know so thank you because now look here we are. i love swearing. you’re a champ too.

Laneia: Ok yeah you kicked last semester’s ass. NICE.

You guys, so I saw Carol on Christmas day with my parents. We were probably the youngest people in the theater, and everyone else were these old Jewish couples explaining the characters’ motivations to each other in whispers. But they all liked it! And my parents thought it was great! Then we had the traditional Chinese food for dinner and went home and I sent them a copy of Heather’s review to read. So the Academy can go jump in a lake full of starved misandrist sharks cuz they don’t matter anymore
Heather: Misandrist sharks! Yes! Are you talking about that real life lady shark that ate the real life man shark because he kept bumping into her? I love that story. And I love this one too.

I love you guys and really appreciate that I can flip over to AS for awesome content when I need a work break. Also, I think I should go home. I answered my girlfriend’s question about whether I wanted to go to an event with her in the form of an SQL UPDATE statement. It’s possible I need help. :)
Heather: Is that like an AIM away message? Are you old enough to remember AIM away messages?

I really want to go to A-Camp and I can actually afford it and I don’t have work because I’ll be in between work and grad school. But one, I’m terrified of the idea (in general) and two (most importantly) I don’t know how to explain it to my parents. I’m out to my parents but it’s still a thing we don’t really talk about. I’m 23 and shouldn’t have to justify it but with my parents I do and I’m not sure how to tell them without excessive awkwardness.
Rachel: If you need permission to not be entirely truthful with your parents about this at this exact moment, I am ready to give you that permission! I can be that person. You certainly wouldn’t be the first one. It’s possible that you and your parents have the kind of relationship where you talk about EVERYTHING and so this wouldn’t work (although the fact that you said you don’t really talk about you being out makes me suspect otherwise) but I think you might be overthinking how much you need to explain to them? If you just tell them “I’m going to a multi-day women’s event that a lot of people I know say is really fun and cool,” will they pry about it? I think you should decide how much of this part of your life you feel comfortable talking with them about and just only commit to telling them that much for right now.

Helloooooo! I have an all-consuming need to share or whatever it is y’all say. I’ve had a rough year and a half, I was living my dream life with my dream job and then a series of things went terribly wrong and I had to come back to the states and move in with my mom and deal (or not deal) with a lot of stuff that I had been running from. Now I’ve (very sloppily and only somewhat) duct taped myself back up and I’m heading out again to try to live that life. I have vomited three times this morning, so everything’s going great! I haven’t been commenting that much lately because I’ve had a lot going on, but I still read every single thing y’all post and I’m so nervous to go out into the world without you guys in my pocket. I probably won’t have much internet access but when I do I will for sure be all up in your business, because I’m going to miss this place so hard! I will even miss the men who come to explain things in the comments because they remind me just how important this space that you have created really is. I want to thank you (all of you!) for accompanying me through a hard year (and the many years before). You have changed the way i view the world and the way in which I interact with it. There is no way I could ever thank you enough for that. Also I have been sirred twice by TSA this morning and it’s not even 7 yet, so things are looking up. Thanks y’all.
Mik
Laneia: I LOVE YOU and I’m so, so proud of your duct taping job. You are gonna do great and we’ll be right here when you need us. Right in your pocket. Sidenote I’ve always wanted to be small enough to fit in someone’s pocket, like one of the Littles!

Riese: LOOK AT HOW YOU DIY’ED YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER. We carry you in our hearts.

good news! autostraddle is unblocked on my work’s vpn!
Riese:

I just wrote and deleted a whole convoluted story about this girl who I think is cute and realized before sending my non-question that I already know the answer. So I guess this is me saying (I know by the time you read this it will be irrelevant) I could use your good vibes and confidence boosting energy you have to share. Because she’s cute and while I’m totally thrilled that we’re friends (yay friends!) I do think we could be friends who make out occasionally and that wouldn’t be a bad thing either! And all I have to do is tell her that! The worst thing that happens is we don’t get ice cream together anymore. Good pep talk, team
Rachel: Good luck and good vibes! What kind of ice cream does she like?

Hi, Staffers. My wife-to-be just lost her job because the company she works for has folded. I can support us both on my salary, though we’ll have to cut back. I’m worried that she will struggle to find work because of discrimination. She’s a trans woman, and is more tomboyish than feminine. I’m also worried that she will fall into depression. I’m trying to be the strong one right now and put on a brave front. Anyway, I just wanted to tell someone who could understand.
Rachel: That is very sad and scary news and I’m sorry that you and your fiancée are going through this! Sending love & strength & faith in you two supporting each other through this and your fiancée finding new work that she loves and finds fulfilling.

Laneia: Yes yes so many good vibrations to both of you.

Guys. Today I feel sad. IDK why. Maybe its the hormones. Why is it so hard to be an adult. And a female too. LE SIGH. IDK. I feel like this is the only place I can say things like this. Thank you for being here.
Riese: I feel sad today too! I’m not really sure why either. I felt okay earlier today, but since like 4 PM I have just felt like the world’s saddest panda. So we can be here together, if you want.

My dear kind queer aunties, I met a cute girl. Her name is Edith. We were at a birthday party hosted at a really chill venue with live music. We talked for hours and gazed into each others eyes and danced together and held hands (omg.) We have been messaging each other intermittently for several weeks. I just moved to a different country, so idk where I stand right now. Today, I post a photo of my cat in a paper bag on social media. Edith comments, “is the cat out of the bag now?” My heart dives out of my chest on to the carpet. Maybe I actually mean something to her. Maybe she just likes cats. Maybe she doesn’t even remember commenting on this photo. Or not. Why make a public comment? Why not send a private message? How do I respond? When do I respond? “everyone you know will someday die” My mind is awash with questions and doubts and feelings. I can’t possibly sleep. Now I am here, in the a+ priority contact box. “it’s real” “believe me when I say it’s real” I am queer. She is too. Did I imagine everything I just described? “indecision is a bad decision” How do I untangle the mess that is emotion and fact?
Laneia: Oh I think that’s a secret skill that’s first given to us approximately one hour/one year after we needed it most, but! I also think “is the cat out of the bag now” is a super cute comment to leave on your undoubtably super cute cat photo, so definitely ride that high and leave your own super cute flirtastic comment on something she posts soon. Don’t go back and comment on an old photo though. Save that for later.

sooooo tonight I cried in the middle of the canned bean section at trader joes because “walk of life” came on and my little brother and I used to dance to that song in our pajamas and sometimes my dad would even join in and now my brother is dead and my dad doesn’t feel anything anymore ever and why the fuck does life have to feel this way? don’t worry though I bought like eight boxes of those cinnamon graham crackers I love. I mean you probably know the ones they are v special. anyway so I’m gonna be ok I just needed to anonymously share my #publicdisplayofabjectgrief
Riese: I think crying in the middle of the canned bean section at trader joes is really the only way you could’ve reacted to what was happening and how you felt. I’m glad you got graham crackers. I’m sorry that everything feels awful now and will probably feel a little bit awful forever, but will feel less awful over time, and I hope that in between the awful you can find some pockets of joy and fun and graham crackers. That’s the key is find those pockets! Find ’em and stuff ’em with your favorite everythings.

Laneia: I love those graham crackers. You are a big bright tangle of energy and I’m glad you’re here on this earth right now. Like I’m glad we’re all here together. If I knew you IRL I’d make you go with me to Goodwill and pick out an ugly ceramic figurine to take home and remind you that someone cares about your heart. I mean I guess a pretty ceramic figurine could remind you of that, too, but an ugly one would be funnier.

I just filed my taxes by myself for the first time ever and I’m feeling really happy about it! I already told my girlfriend and my dad all about it and they were both appropriately interested but I still feel the urge to share. I feel like such an accomplished human being now! Anyway, I hope everyone is having a wonderful day today, and if not, hopefully you have something fun to look forward to this weekend :)
Rachel: I have never in my life successfully filed my taxes by myself so I am SUPER proud and impressed by this!

Laneia:

So I feel kind of terrible that I grew up thinking I was the only gay one when it turns out I knew so many future queers. I mean, I know it’s probably not really my fault, but I just feel like I failed to be there for people I cared about because I was so caught up in my own identity drama and unable to get my act together about it. It just never occurred to me that it wasn’t just me, you know? And some of them are younger than me so I just feel particularly like I let them down. Bleh. I mean, I guess everyone’s okay and I sort of know enough not to feel hugely personally guilty about it, but I just really hate that things went that way and wish I would’ve known.
Laneia: HEY whoa you didn’t let anyone down! You gotta get your own stuff sorted before you can help anyone else. That oxygen mask they tell you to put on yourself before you put one on your baby? That’s what you did. That’s the best way. The coolest and most exciting thing to think about now is, what are you going to do next, now that you know what you didn’t know then?

autostraddle i love you but can’t read everything any more :( Know that i am still here, gobbling up all the a+ content, as many articles as i can from facebook, following you all on twitter, etc. I don’t have time to read you every day but I support planet autostraddle 110% <3 <3 <3 <3
Laneia: I support Planet You 110%! <3 <3 <3

I know you are always encouraging more comments, but I feel like over the last couple of days I may have stretched that to the limit. I am just so pumped about camp! I’m so full of feelings! Which is probably why I’m questioning whether in annoying people. Ahh well. See you in 125 days!
Laneia:

SEE YOU AT WOLF LODGE.

I rearranged my room and I feel 1000% better and very energized! I’m having a really really really good day! It’s been so long since I felt this way, I forgot that I feel this good sometimes!
Riese: UGH I love that feeling when you get something organized or like build a couch or clean a room and you’re like damn, if I can do this, I can legitimately do anything.

Just saw a vid about a contest on how many queefs can you make in 30seconds, yep…good night world.,it is that time
Rachel: Wait you aren’t going to tell us how many???

Laneia: Oh my god a few years ago I somehow discovered that teen girls were filming themselves queefing for fun and like, my entire world cracked open and I’d never been so excited for the future. I’m serious.

Y’ALL! Just wanted to get this off my chest… You all feel more like friends to me. Kudos on creating an awesome online community that makes me (and so many other humans!!) feel safe.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION

Hey! Have you guys or are you guys planning to write anything about the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski? I jus finished it and it has a lot of stuff in it about managing a relationship where ppl have very different desire levels and things that are relevant to all women, in a pretty supportive way. I found it not Heteronormative and very helpful! So that’s my 2 cents. Also, related, another great book (more about dealing with relationship drama) which is waaay less self help-y than its title sounds is called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, and everyone who has ever ha a disagreement with their partner should read it. Note – I am neither of these people, just trying to big up their work. :)
Laneia: Well damn this is a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one. We weren’t planning to write anything but now it’s on our collective radar so thanks!

Riese: I feel like Carolyn mentioned a thing about this book that I mentioned in a thing I wrote that I haven’t published yet. I hope this information I just provided feels incredibly useful.

Do you guys have any recommendations for good books featuring queer ladies? Maybe specifically historical fiction but if not that’s totally cool too!
Riese: LISTEN WE HAVE SO MUCH! So much! I mean maybe 10% of the website is on this exact topic, or maybe it is in my dreams. If you like historical fiction then obviously the go-to person for you is Sarah Waters, you should start with Tipping the Velvet. Also you could check out The Gilda Stories. Also, here are the 100 best lesbian fiction and memoir books of all time circa a few years ago.

Hey, I was just reading some articles over at the toast about experiences of being butch and realised that I would love to read more articles by my fellow butches about what it’s like growing up and being an adult as someone who is masculine of centre. I suppose in essence someone who could do what Kate did with Butch, Please. I feel like there seems to be less space in my queer circles to talk about masculinity recently, like masculinity has been deemed anti-feminist because of it’s associations with violence and misogyny, when actually that’s not what masculinity has to be about (although I think enjoying violence has a place in my identity, and it would be interesting to talk about that but I think the conversation would turn into talk about oppressive violence). Anyway, thanks for the site, you guys do a great job of embiggening my heart.
Laneia: I have made a prominent note about this in the section of my binder titled BRILLIANT IDEAS. It’s behind the purple tab because purple’s my fave color.

Dear A+ Priority Contact Box, Please can Stef write a series where she interviews people in the style of the NY Times interviewing Cara Delevingne? And people could be anything really: pets, cacti, multinational corporations etc. Thank you
Laneia: This is literally all I want to read.

I just realized you can “friend” AS members. Is there a way to search for people if you know their username? Or search by location? What are the advantages to being connected to someone on AS?
Riese: Yes there is you can search by whatever you damn well please!

Are you going to do any more “Interviews with my Current GF?” I loved that addition to the interviews with exes.
Riese: We could if you like them!

I feel like there needs to be a list of lesbian movies/shows available for streaming on netflix. I keep seeing a title that looks interesting on the Top 100 Best Lesbian Movies list, looking it up on netflix, and then crying internally cause it’s not there.
Riese: Yes we could do this! Also we did do this for TV shows, and you can check that out here.

Anti-depressant roundtable?
Riese: What if it was just a dialogue about Wellbutrin between me and Laneia.

Laneia: I can’t tell you how ready I am for this roundtable. I mean, in the sense that I live it daily.

Dear A+ Priority Contact Box, Please can we have a post which is a round-up of all the times an AS staffer’s parent pops up from nowhere and made some glowing comment about their offspring, because I think this would be unbearably cute.
Laneia: Ugh that would be so cute. Riese and Rachel’s moms are my favorite commenters.

The son of a family friend just came out as trans (and is now using he/him/his pronouns). Do you know of resources (especially online) for trans youth? He lives in a very rural and conservative area in the US.
Heather: Congratulations to him! Trans Youth Equality is a good place to start. And the Human Rights Campaign also has a list of good resources. Also, luckily, there are a billion resourced buried deep in Tumblr in the places where only teenagers know how to access.

Where are the Transparent S2 recaps? I loved the S1 recaps and I’ve been patiently waiting for the S2 ones, but it’s starting to look like maybe that won’t happen. (But if you do them I promise to comment so hard!)
Rachel: Hello as you have surmised, we are not recapping Transparent Season Two, but are working on publishing some individual pieces about the new season that I think you will love dearly.

So this is a camp related thing… who are the staff going to be??? Is Cameron coming back from last year? The one who did face painting… could you pls bring them back because i didnt get my face painting done by them… Cameron im your biggest fan!!
Riese: WELL THIS IS ADORABLE! People have applied to be on staff and this very weekend Marni and Kristin will be going through those applications and figuring everything out for us!

There is a new muppet character, Gloria Estefan the Penguin and they are THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD!!!!! I am in LOVE!
Rachel: I wish you and Gloria many happy returns!

this is the wost, I’m super cold and in three hours I have a business meeting with a (straight) girl that makes me nervous w/e
Riese: Well I hope you found a sweater!

Hey so the whole hard femme/weaponised femininity thing is great, is there a more masculine of centre equivalent? I want that spike heel and red lipstick feel without… the spike heels. Or red lipstick. You feel?
Laneia: Oh dang this is a very good idea, yes. I do feel.

I would like to suggest an article/series about letter writing. I have been trying to get into letter writing, but I haven’t been able to find letter stationery anywhere, and regular notebook paper doesn’t inspire me the way I want it to.
Laneia: I love this idea and have written it down, again in my Brilliant Ideas section, and will be taking action on it forthwith.

i need your help finding an as article. you probably wrote it riese, i can’t remember the specific topic but at some point there was a quote about how after a while you can’t keep wanting to live in a place that doesn’t love you back (it was about moving away from the country you were born into maybe?). do you have any idea what i’m talking about? I just have this concept stuck in my head and sadly i’m feeling this exact thing right now and I NEED TO READ IT.
Riese: I DID WRITE IT, you’re right! It was about Indiana and the line you are referring to is a quote from Abby.

You guys. Someone a work said VAGIDENCE which is vaginal confidence. Yay nay
Riese: Honestly when I hear “vagidence” I think vaginal coincidence, like “oh, it’s a coincidence that we both have vaginas,” or something, but like, how often does that happen and does anybody want to talk about it? Probably not.

Laneia: Vagidence sounds like an over-the-counter topical solution that no one’s really looking forward to buying at CVS.

Riese: Like maybe its’ CVS’s off-brand 7-day yeast infection medicine, and the brand name one is called Vagibrite!

Hi guys this is for Carmen. Just to let you know i’m still trying to work through procrastination issues and this is what I’ve got so far: There’s this awful coworker in my office who’s got an internal monologue going, except it’s external and directed at me. He’ll talk and talk for hours about everything and anything expecting me to interact. It’s highly annoying. So I started “pretending to be super busy” whenever he would talk and that meant going on that document I need to write but don’t want to. Well 5 hours later and I’ve written two whole pages of it because even though I land back on AS or other sites all the time (procrastination IS a bitch), he opens his mouth again and I land back on my document ! SILVER LININGS GUYS. Love, Chloé.
Carmen: CHLOE! I fully support pretending to be busy whenever men try to talk to you, both in the office and in the rest of the wild world. Also, I’ve shared workspaces and such before and there’s an awesome, kind way to stop this nonsense: Just say, “Hey! I’m really busy today, and trying to focus. Sorry, but I would love some silence so I can wrap stuff up.” Use that moment to wear some decoy headphones, and then the next day you can just put those headphones on without saying a word and be done forever. More AS time, less dude chat time. That’s your ideal procrastinator’s world, right.

Do you guys have any poly lesbian resources? Everything I see is either f/m/f or m/f/m. Thanks so much in advance! ^^
Heather says: Our polyamory archives, at your service!

Riese: I think actually somebody has asked us this for the last three SATSTYBAU?

Will there be an anal workshop or Q&A at camp this year?? I really need to get my shit together with this butt sex thing! My wife is being super extra curious and now I’m getting super extra curious!!
Riese: We’re a few months away from making the A-Camp Schedule! But in the meantime in between time have you checked out How to Have Lesbian Sex: Anal Edition? I think it might strike your fancy!

Laneia: I see your pun here and I like it.

autostraddle has the best click bait

I NEED ADVICE

I found the priority inbox!!!! Okay, so I have an advice question that I emailed.. to the wrong email, I think but I’ll send it here now! (edited from typos)

Question:

So my mother tells me my aunt asked her – my mother – if I was ”lesbian”. Now being a closeted homo who has dreams of flying off and living with my super witchy girfriend and our cat; miss Kitty Fantastico, I’d known on some level that this question had to happen at some time. I’d actually convinced myself that my parents were going to divorce (I meant disown) me, and I had no one, and I’d made my peace with it. I told my friends this and they’d told me that my mother loved me, and therefore she’d eventually accept me. I guess, without meaning to, I’d let myself believe that. So, when my mother had to stop herself halfway through our conversation (to barf) and had a full on anxiety attack, just talking to me about it, I felt foolish, and hurt. Mostly, though I felt pain and conflict. Conflict because, my mother – unlike my father – actually loves me. Conflict because, when my mother uses the Bible as her excuse to be homophobic, unlike most people I know who use that excuse, she actually believes what she says. My mother doesn’t drink and follows biblical law like it’s Jesus days. Conflict because my mother is my rock, and the most important thing to me. Yet, she tells me that if I was gay, she doesn’t think she’d ever understand, and it would probably kill her. I just want to run, right now. My mom has given her life for me. She’s stayed in a loveless marriage so I would have financial security, emigrated to a country that pays her shit even though she has a masters and is more than capable, and has gone through abuse – both physical and mental -, and depression for me. Her ultimate driving force has been me. I want to just up and leave, because unlike my mother, I prize my mental well being over financial gain (not gain for her, but for me) . It may be naive of me, but I’d rather be poor than suicidal. However, how can I justify that, now? I don’t know what to do. How can I justify being gay, coming out.. anything when it’ll quite literally kill my own mother? I’m pretty much all she has. I don’t know what to do.
Heather says: Oh, friend. I am so sorry. What an absolutely soul-tearing situation you’re in. I admire you and I respect you for wanting to honor your mother, and I am so thankful that she was willing to sacrifice so much for your happiness. I come from a very, very, very close family and it took me years to come out to my really religiously conservative grandparents (who are like parents to me; they raised me, in many ways), so I understand a little about where you’re coming from. It sounds to me like your mother really really values your well-being. She’s done so much for you already!

Sometimes, though, our parents lose sight of the fact that we do not form a single entity with them. They blur the lines between who we are and who they are. It’s called “boundary integrity,” and when parents don’t have that, they can start thinking that the main point of both of your lives is to make each other happy. Your mom made you happy, and so maybe she feels like it’s your responsibility to make her happy. But pumpkin, that’s not true. Your mom’s happiness is your mom’s responsibility, for one thing. And for another thing, you are already gay. You can’t make yourself not gay for her. You are who you are, exactly who you were meant to be, and if you come out to her, the only thing that’s going to change is that she’s going to know a thing that’s always been true. It won’t change you. This isn’t an equation where your mom dying is on one side and you coming out is on the other. You don’t have to figure out how to cancel yourself out by solving for your mom. If your mom really does want you to be happy, if she really does value your well being above her own, she should feel glad when you tell her this part of yourself, because in the telling of it, you will be so much healthier and free.

Is there a limit to how many of these I can ask? I’m going into therapy soon but.. I have no one else to ask these things. Sorry! Should I break up with my current person? We’ve been dating for a little over a year, and They’re cool. However, I don’t think we should be together. I am pretty sure I want to break up, but a few things are holding me back:

1. We live together. I asked them to move in with me, primarily because their family is unsafe, and unstable and bad for their mental health. their plans if we separate include living in a van. Keep in mind they dont have the finances or skill to make this a workable reality, but somehow they think taking out a five grand loan — on top of college loans — is a better financial decision than working and paying off an apartment.

2. I do this thing where I hate commitment. I’m a Sagittarius, with my moon in Virgo so overanalysing relationships is kinda my thing. I literally spend every moment of every day fretting over the parts that aren’t perfect, and I’m scared there’s nothing wrong with our relationship, and I’m just being an idiot.

3. I get this pain, in my heart when I consider breaking up. I don’t know if this is normal.

However there are several reasons why I should break up with them, in my opinion.

1. They’re my first real, consensual relationship. Which is great, but which also means I have all these feelings and insecurities I bring into the relationship, and I think I really need to learn to love myself, and take care of my needs right now. I’m falling back into the pattern of letting other peoples priorities dwarf mine. Even writing that, I feel so guilty.

2. I don’t know if our relationship is that healthy, or consensual. While no one’s physically forcing me to do anything I don’t want to, I can’t help but feel manipulated, and guilt tripped a lot. They say things like “I love, you don’t leave me” and “you promised to be there” and while I did promise to be there, is it so awful that I have my stuff to dig through? I like to go outside to retreat , and feel my feelings and I always feel so much guilt, because they say they have abandonment issues.. but I have feelings too, you know?

3. They’re white. Now, I never thought this would be a thing. I didn’t understand microaggressions and how people who claim not to be racist could actually be racist because I don’t really hang around those environments if I can help it. So, she’s white, like born and bred Texan native, ancestors came over from Ellis Island and moved to Texas white. Which I honestly didn’t give two shits about.. until the Racism showed up. First, her family. Her mom treats me like some sort of goddamn token of her liberalness? I don’t even know. Her family has to most stereotypical views of race, and it makes me want to vomit. I was watching the news at her house and it was another shooting of yet another unarmed black kid, and her mom pops up with “All lives matter though” .. are you kidding me? I usually eliminate these people from my life, but I can’t because… girlfriend. What hurts the most is that she doesn’t stick up for me. I get that it’s her family, I do.. but they’re wrong. Shouldn’t it matter to her that I don’t feel like shit? I tried to ignore her family and she talked about how that hurt her mother, and how it was affecting her.. then she says “it’s okay” but in the way you know that it’s really not.. so I’m back to talking to the racist xenophobic people who tell me shit like their Irish ancestors had it just as bad as black people, and they were so poor they worked alongside black people (My girlfriend said this too) correct me if I’m wrong, but only one of those groups got paid.. you know? My girlfriend also makes me feel all weird inside, and not in a good way. She told me how she had stood up to some racist assholes at her job (who were stereotyping people? wtf) by telling them not to say that because “her girlfriend is black” and expected me to be happy with that? I had to have an hour long conversation about why this was not okay, while making sure I wasn’t hurting her feelings and I just feel drained. When it comes to her, and race I feel like she isn’t even trying to learn anything new, I’ve given her articles, and books to read and she just isn’t.. I don’t want to have to raise whatever kids I have in that environment.. she has cousins who are Vietnamese American, and her mother always tells them how they’re American, and not Asian. Also, the entire family thinks they can comment on the aforementioned cousins mothers religious decisions, and cultural decisions. Like, no honey step the fuck off. So yeah, if anyone ever tries to take away my kids roots – unless they choose to identify differently themselves – I’ll be cutting people.

4. I’m pretty sure they’re male. They told me they were confused about gender, and now as someone who is gender-queer, I didn’t really see this as a big deal. The big deal is, They’re starting to seem less “masculine of centre” and more “man” which is great for them – go self discovery! – , but I’m not into men. I tell them that , and that I’d always love them, but all they make me feel is guilty, like my love should be enough to love them as a man in the same way. But I can’t. I just can’t. They say they won’t get bottom surgery but they doesn’t understand that doesn’t matter. Your gender has nothing to do with your privates so that means nothing to me.

5. I don’t think I’m ready for monogamy. I want a casual relationship. I think I try to give people all they want from me, not because I want to .. I don’t know why I do it but all I feel is drained afterwards. I want a casual relationship, with not as much emotional responsibility, and they don’t. She’s possessive, and gets jealous a lot, which is understandable (sun in Taurus, moon in Scorpio, so duh), but they get hurt that I’m not possessive of her in the same way, and I’m not jealous. It’s not my fault, I don’t really care that they find someone attractive, or has a crush. I think it’s great; experiment, do whatever you want. I’m comfortable with it. Is that so bad?

6. I feel like a teacher. We’re both each others first “real” relationship, but I feel like there’s so much I’ve learnt about life, that they’re not even ready to start learning. Like, why we need gun regulations, or why Watermelondrea isn’t any less a name than Melvin. If they were my friend, I’d try to take it slowly, and understand them, but I need more from someone I bond with romantically. There are things I don’t want to compromise on, and I try to tell them but they say I always “like to prove them wrong”. It’s not that at all, it’s just that they are wrong about certain things. I don’t mean to sound cocky, but it’s the truth.

All this being said, this human can be quite great. She’s helped me with accepting that I was abused, and coming to terms with that, and other stuff. Also, if we break up.. she’d be homeless, or have to go back to a house where her family makes her abuse into her fault, and I don’t want to do that to anyone – ever – especially not someone I love. So I guess it comes down to that huh?

Sincerely,
Autostraddleismytherapist.

Riese: I think you need to break up with this person and then sit down and do whatever you can to help them find a healthy and sustainable living situation. You could also continue to live together in the meantime, it sounds like it wouldn’t be super-hard to sever whatever passion remains between you both, and to see each other as friends. Like you said, you’d feel a lot better about being in a “teacher” role if you were just friends, because then your quest to make her more aware of the world and less terrible and racist is immediately stripped of any perceived relationship-related agenda. I think when you’re dating someone it can feel like you’re putting a stamp of approval on who they are and how they operate, and saying, “yes, I am in love with this,” and you often struggle with whether or not you should’ve stamped that person, and it makes you question your own self-awareness. And then you’re unhappy!

The things you say about why you should stay together — none of them are about how you get along, if she makes you laugh, if she understands you in a way nobody else does, if your life goals are similar, if you have private jokes or great sex or always surprise each other with little gifts whenever you can. The fact that you’ve helped her get out of a bad living situation and she’s helped you come to terms with your abuse are important, enormous things! Those things are often at the foundation of a very healthy and happy relationship, and those are things that girlfriends and wives often do for each other. But those things don’t always have a huge impact on the day-to-day act of being together, which sounds a bit lousy. Plus there are some very big things you’re not into about her! Very very big things!

As for the casual vs. serious relationship, I have a feeling that you wouldn’t feel jealous of your girlfriend seeing somebody else even if you didn’t want an open relationship. She probably senses that, and is responding to it. I’m sure that some of her manipulative behavior is just who she is, but a lot of it could also come from her (apparently justified) subconscious fear that you’re not really all that into her. ‘Cause you’re not! It’ll be healthiest for both of your present and future relationships if you made a clean break now. Who knows, maybe you could be really good friends even if you’re not meant to be girlfriends!

In a week I am getting on a plane to travel thousands of miles from icy Upstate NY to sunny Australia for a job, one that I feel very, very lucky to have gotten as it enabled me to quit a job I really disliked! Are there Australian Autostraddlers? Do you have any advice for me to make my several month stay more queertastic? Will my American friends make fun of me if I come home with an adorable accent?
Laneia: There are indeed several, many Australian Autostraddlers! You should find a meetup, or host your own, even reach out in a Friday Open Thread to see who’s near you. There’s probably an Aussie Straddlers group on FB but I couldn’t tell you because I’m allergic.

Autostraddle ladies, I need help. I don’t know how to learn that love can happen to me? I mean, I understand that I also need to be aware that it probably won’t, but I am so hung up on how I look that its stifling me. So my best friend is a professional photographer and sometimes I help him out by doing makeup and its good fun, and this time he asked if I wanted a photo, and I kinda didn’t, but I wore a nice dress anyway (its my go to dress I wear when I want to be sexy), and there was 10 minutes at the end and so he took my photo until basically I looked too uncomfortable. Anyway yesterday he finishes the post-production and he was like ‘this photo is amazing! you look amazing!’ and sent it to me and it has destroyed. my. confidence. I know how I look, I know I’m fat, not even in the sexy way of having a big ass, I have a big tummy instead, but this picture has just reminded me that I can’t escape it? I can’t escape that I’m not hot, that I’m nearly 30, that every selfie is a lie because I don’t look like my careful best angle, I look like the grumpy fat idiot sliding off a bar stool in that photo. I mean, it is a good photo, and if it wasn’t me in it I would probably agree with him that its a great picture, and I feel bad for being so fucked up about it. It’s so stupid, but this anxiety has ruined my day. I was supposed to be at the autostraddle meetup but I couldn’t even work out what to wear to take the recycling out, let alone go to somewhere where I have to make an impression on hot autostraddle ladies? this is really rambly but I feel like my mental illness sometimes just stabs me in the back no matter how good my meds are (so good! you should have seen me a year ago!) or how much therapy I go to (so much!), I’m never going to get over the fact that I am the problem in all the relationships I try to have? Like, I stayed in the closet for years and years because I didn’t feel worthy to be happy and that my body was too disgusting to subject to other women.  Anyway thanks for listening, I needed somewhere to vent this to that was completely impartial.

Riese: Well if you had gone to the meet-up you would’ve met a huge chunk of human beings with yearny minds and open hearts and imperfect bodies and asymmetrical faces and complicated relationships with their guts (emotional guts and physical guts). I do believe that there is somebody out there for everyone — yeah, it’s easier to find somebody if you are conventionally attractive or even whatever “conventionally attractive” means in the queer world, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible for everybody else. I think a lot of women are horrified by pictures of themselves, like every time the A-Camp pictures come back I enter into like a three-day spiral of self-loathing and IT’S SO DUMB. We talked about this in our Senior Editor chat and ALL of us do this or have done this. It’s dumb for us to do this and it’s dumb for you to do this. All of us do it! We have such a finite time on this planet and that means a finite time to face our fears and let the dumb thoughts sit there in dumbville and go out there and try to meet people. And maybe it will be horrible! But if it’s horrible it’s not ’cause of how you look, it’s just cause whatever, you were too shy that day, or you didn’t click with anybody there, or you needed one meet-up for just sitting back and observing and next time you’ll try a little harder. You know the only time I ever used to day-drink was before Autostraddle Meet-Ups because I am so terrified of what people will think of me. You’re hot, you’re beautiful, you’re smart and you’ve got a lot to offer the world and you deserve a life as full and as big as Tegan Quinn’s. GO OUT THERE AND SEIZE THE DAY. Also maybe we’ll try to answer this on the podcast too because I feel not confident about this answer.

I’ve been reading the ” Things You’ve Been Asking Us,” and it makes me smile. I love reading unfiltered comments and questions where I can so clearly feel someone’s energy. One of the “Questions” you shared was someone saying that they’re excited for a-camp, that it’s a place for all queers to go to have a home… I’m thrilled, and terrified. I’ve decided I’m going to go. I’ve always loved camp, so that’s the easy part. The hard part, is being around queer folks; I’m nervous I’ll say something stupid, not recognize my privilege in some way, not be up to date on queer politics or feminist issues, inadvertently offend someone… The list goes on, but the scariest one? I’m afraid my queerness will be questioned. I’m not a gold star, and the unicorn posts of late has made me feel a lot better, but I still feel unwelcome in the real world. I’m nervous, but I’m trusting y’all. I’m doing something brave, going/intending on going, and I’m thankful A-Camp and Autostraddle exist. So thanks for being there, and providing the opportunities for nervous queer girls to maybe find a safe, queer home.
Riese: Oh, babe, the gold star thing is so irrelevant. I’m certainly not a gold star! Laneia used to be married to a guy! Rachel is currently married to a guy! Camp is chock-full of campers and staff who are not gold stars. Probably the majority! There’s a bi/pan panel, too, if that’s your persuasion. Yes, A-Camp is a special unique place where cis boy / cis girl sex is rarely, if ever, talked about, because it’s talked about CONSTANTLY everywhere else, but anybody who questions anybody’s queerness based on their history (or present!) with men is not a person we’d want at A-Camp. That’s just not the A-Camp spirit. As for the other stuff, it drives me nuts when people expect everyone to enter A-Camp with this 100% complete social justice consciousness because I think it can be really alienating to people who don’t come from queer communities back home. Which is something I will say on the first night of camp. I hope you are there to hear it! I think you will have a really nice time and I am excited for you to meet all these people who love you for you, because they will.

Laneia: Ugh I wish we could eliminate gold star. Or like if you say you’re a gold star, your head literally turns into a shining gold star and you can’t talk anymore because you’re a star head with no mouth.

I’ve been having a relationship with a woman who is married to a guy (who knows about us and has “sanctioned” us having a relationship which he is very much not a part of in any way). Anyways, I am in love with her. And it is so painful and scary and hard and I am so happy when I am with her and I want to be there for her while she is going through this hard time with her husband etc., but I’m really close to it all so it’s hard. My friends and family are all super supportive bc they can see how happy she makes me, but they also want me not to get hurt. So when she texts me that she would do anything to keep me in her life, and I cry silently in the laundry room, it’s really hard to know who to talk to. So thank you Autostraddle, for always being that shoulder I need when shit gets really real

Heather: This sounds so hard! I’m glad you’re talking to your Autostraddle pals about it and also with your friends and family. It’d be easy to keep this thing a secret, but those kinds of things almost always turn toxic, so high five for keeping it in the light. Sending you so much love and warmth and peace to guide you, friend.

ok so be honest: can a gal who is SUPER OVERLY SENSITIVE make it with another gal who has the emotional sensitivity of a pencil eraser but in other ways is really great? like super stable and loving and well-intentioned but just invariably says the worst thing at all the moments and inadvertently stomps all over the stupid gentle baby lamb feelings of her partner? asking for me.
Laneia: Yes it is totally possible! If you’re the baby lamb, you just have to trust and remember that the pencil eraser isn’t trying to stomp on you; that she really does love you and want to help you and would never intentionally hurt you. It’s sometimes a super pain in the ass to have to remind yourself of that over and over again, so sometimes you won’t be able to and you’ll just let yourself be really hurt, and that’s ok, too. It’s also OK to be like, “Hey, pencil eraser, I know you didn’t mean to but when you said my cupcakes tasted like fish food, it really hurt my fucking feelings, alright? Just saying.” If you’re the pencil eraser, you should try all the time to not stomp on the feelings, just be always trying, all the time. Sometimes you’ll unintentionally stomp on the lamb and it will be a total accident and hopefully she’ll let you know about it and you’ll just have to apologize and try to do better. Everyone’s just doing their best, just trying with all their might to be their best selves. Even lambs can stomp on erasers, though, sometimes. That can also happen.

I need help! My girlfriend and I can’t seem to stop fighting the past few weeks. We usually communicate great, and we have just been missing the mark, a lot. I want to be supportive and I am really trying hard to “assume goodwill” and understand that sometimes she is making decision without realizing they hurt me. I feel stuck in it and we are trying to so hard to get out of this negative space but can’t seem to figure out how. Her best friend is moving away and a lot has revolved around that. She is spending a lot of time with her and often changes plans with me to be with her. I am getting upset that she is informing me instead of talking about it with me, and then she gets upset that I am frustrated about it. Howwwww do we end this cycle and just go back to constant cuddling and popping each others blackheads?
Rachel: This isn’t the answer you want to hear but I feel like based on what you’ve described in the situation there is maybe a single, larger fight brewing under the surface of this about something that’s underlying here, and the reason these fights keep happening over and over is because they’re poking at that issue without really addressing it and so you’re both kinda perma-mad all the time as a baseline. My instinct is that at least one of you needs to get really real and let the whole fight happen, and at least then it will all be out on the table, and you can figure out where to go from there in a real way instead of this Groundhog Day situation. I COULD BE WRONG this is just what my tiny pink heart is telling me.

I am dating a great girl, who is smart, funny, and kind — all the good things. However, we’ve run into a few issues – she’s giving me mixed signals on physical intimacy and we’re both pretty awkward about in depth conversations about ourselves (we’ve talked about pretty much everything else). I want to talk to be open and know a little more about why things are mixed, but we have limited access to private spaces that are not our bedrooms (we have housemates and keep meeting in… restaurants, movies, etc that are not conducive to those conversations), and I don’t want her to be anxious if she wants to take things slow. Any suggestions? It’s a bit cold and snowy here for a walk outside in the woods, and I don’t think I’ll make it with the uncertainty of what’s going on until spring!
Laneia: Have you considered written correspondence? You could buy a little Moleskine and pass it back and forth between yourselves, filling it with funny things and serious things and smart things and silly things and maybe even things about physical intimacy and how awkward it is to talk about yourselves! Failing that, have you considered an Airbnb rental?

Around my one-year anniversary of HRT, I met an awesome bi lady in my school’s LGBT group. We became fast friends. Presently, we would (and have) described each other as the, or one of the, best people we’ve ever known. Emotionally, this is overwhelming. Before this, I hadn’t had a friendship this close. Ever. In general, I’ve found female-female friendships to be rewarding and fulfilling in ways that still manage to surprise and delight me. But with this one girl, she knows me so well and completely that it scares me. I don’t know what to do with a friendship in which someone knows me better than in any of my prior, romantic relationships. Some days, we are so intertwined that I feel like I’ve “fallen” into her–such profound emotional and mental congruity. How do I even begin to handle and continue with this depth of friendship? If this was a romance, I reckon I’d be fine with it, but what do I with a platonic friendship of this sort?
Rachel: Oh this is so real and it resonates with me so much! These friendships are so intense and you’re totally right, because there’s so much more of a cultural focus on romantic relationships rather than platonic ones there isn’t really a blueprint to operate from with them. I think the only advice I can give is to try to get really clear with yourself about your wants and needs and boundaries in this relationship and in general (and hopefully your friend can do the same) so you have a little bit more firm footing to work from in such an intense dynamic and can know more confidently that you’re spending time with her/talking with her/getting involved in X part of her life because you want to, and not because the tide of the relationship is pulling you along. If you feel like you’re no longer able to do this accurately, or if you feel like you’re having trouble distinguishing between her wants/needs and your own or that one of you can’t be happy unless the other is, then you might want to look at some resources on codependence, as I think we don’t always recognize that as easily in our platonic relationships as in our romantic ones! But also I don’t mean to be cautionary — mostly I think you can think about how you want to process such a big experience and you can let yourself enjoy caring about someone this much and their caring about you!

Is there a secret to getting other women to talk to you on OKCupid or at least not disappearing after planning and then canceling a date? I’m bi, and I want to date a woman but I never had this problem with men. What am I doing wrong?
Heather: Unfortunately, one of the hardest things about online dating is how easy it is to ghost, especially if you’ve never met the person before. Maybe what’s happening is they’re bouncing because they were keeping their options open, but decided to get serious with someone. Or maybe because they’re scared. Or maybe because their work got crazy, for real. Or maybe they just got burned too many times and decided to get off OKC. U’d say the key in the beginning is to keep it charming and breezy and save the harder stuff (and conversations about your exes, etc.) until you’re a few dates in and wanting to take the next step.

MISC

Dear AS, sweet, kind AS, how do the haters not suck your souls?
Laneia: I have a magnetic board above my desk and on it, a post-it from Megan that reads “Good Morning My Love! Today is your day!” with daisies drawn around it and that gets me through almost anything. Oh and pot cookies before bed.

Heather: Plus we have each other, and you, dear commenter!

Does anyone else get freaked out when politicians talk about keeping mentally ill people from getting guns? I can’t be the only one who hears that and starts thinking about being on some list and starts thinking about how creepily similar this is to Nazis. At least be accurate. Why not men from about 18 to 25?
Heather: Yeah, I spend a lot of time lately thinking about how so many prominent politicians remind me of the worst fascists in our history books. It keeps me up at night, honestly. I watch kind, gentle Bob Ross on YouTube to calm me down.

What’s with all the manspreading in the comments lately? Especially on Carol and Steven Universe articles, it’s bizarre.
Heather: Those guys all came from the same message board with the sole intention to troll. We cleaned up a lot of the comments. I’m sorry I got into a fight with that one guy in the Carol comments. I was really just looking for a reason to use that notions gif.

Hi! I just read the last “questions you’ve been asking us” and I was wondering if you actually respond to every single question? If not, there is no pressure to respond to this one! Regardless, the amount of work you all put into this website and community is monumental and super admirable. Have a lovely day!
Riese: We do not answer every single question but I think we do about 75% of them? Sometimes we don’t have an answer, and sometimes it’s stuff we wanna keep private and close to our hearts. But we do our best to answer as many as possible.

I JUST WANT TO SAY that Buzzfeed is the worst!! The actually posted an article called “16 pictures of gals being pals.” Like really? Don’t they know that is our thing? like.. We have tshirts and crop tops! They cannot just STEAL it! Which they did anyways because they are jerks. ANYWAYS I love all of you ok bye.
Riese: I think a lot of the articles they publish are written in about 15-20 minutes, like just to have stuff to churn out. They do good stuff too, but there is a LOT of filler to wade through sometimes. Like what you just mentioned!

That box at the bottom of the recamp post is calling for my sentences, but the words get stuck under my fingernails and rub away as fast as I can type.
Heather: Drink a glass of water, take a few deep breaths, set a time for 15 minutes, and just do it! You got this!

You guys, Gillian Anderson will star in “A Streetcar Named Desire” in NY in April through June. You MUST go see it if you possibly can! I saw the live recording (The London show was sold out in a matter of hours and repeated website crashings) and it was AMAZING!!!
Rachel: I wish I could! I’ve seen a lot of stills of her in it and she looks heartbreaking, of course.

I am SO STOKED that The Fosters recaps are back Thanks Team AS Thanks Heather
Heather: You are so welcome! That pool scene, huh? LAST ONE IN HAS TO BE ON TOP TONIGHT! Two self-professed bottoms, making it work in this world.

this may not be the right place for this but listen I need to talk to this box for a minute I hope that’s ok. I have spent my whole little life watching Oprah Winfrey, a goddess bestowed upon us mere mortals from the goddamn heavens who I have worshipped since infancy, talk about her weight and how she feels like a piece of shit as a fat woman and she wants to lead other women into battle with the their own bodies in hopes of coming out the other side a person who upholds the oppressive thin ideal and is worthy of approval and self love and can I just stand in this truth box and say THIS IS WHY WE ALL NEED #FEMINISM. take a minute to imagine a billionaire man saying the words “I have been controlled by a potato for 40 years”…can you even? i fucking can’t. I can’t. women can’t be billionaires and philanthropists and beloved icons and love themselves unless they are thin. that is the most fucked up and it makes me the saddest. THE SADDEST. you all know this I know but damn this shit is UPSETTING.
Riese: Have you seen the commercial where she talks about eating bread every day? I think my girlfriend and I have memorized it and now insert I EAT BREAD EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY! into our everyday conversation. But yeah, I can’t imagine Donald Trump stumping for Weight Watchers, although Bob Dole stumped for Viagra, so there’s that. Oprah rose to fame during a time when talking about diets and stuff was like, a national obsession, and it didn’t feel weird then but it does feel weirder now. Anyhow, I know what you mean and I agree. It’s upsetting.

Hey I don’t know if you remember but a couple months ago I wrote into this box and said that I make my sweet straight undergrad interns read a couple articles on autostraddle every summer, and that they like it a lot. Well one of them just came out as queer to me today, so THE AGENDA IS GOING GREAT, thanks team, great hustle.
Rachel: THE GREATEST NEWS OF ALL

Dear Riese, the Guardian tackles comments online. what do you think about them not including autostraddle as an example of 1) paid for content 2) comment sections that work?
Riese: I am not surprised because we are rarely included in anything! It’s funny how paid content is this huge hot topic right now yet nobody has asked to write about the success of our own. I think it’s just like, being a lesbian-ish site, we just aren’t on the radar of major publications like The Guardian. If a tree falls in a forest and never talks about how great cis men are, does it make a sound? Probably not.

Riese, I just wanted to tell you that I read your longread female authors article even though I didn’t comment on it. It was great! I read so many of the essays. I’m going to try commenting more, even if it’s just to say “thank you!”
Riese: WELL, THANK YOU! 

The other night I went to a rock show (jam band, kinda hippy vibe) and I’m pretty sure I was the only queer woman there. Definitely the only one with an alternative lifestyle haircut. Why is that scene so heteronormative?
Rachel: Maybe everyone else thought they were gonna have the same experience you did and so they stayed home! GO TO MORE SHOWS, GAY WEIRDOS.

I have such a huge crush on Laneia! And the pic of her in the latest Insider looking all Indie Artist Debut Album Cover-ish is not helping and oh man I’m sorry she’s just so cute and like I feel like she probably gives amazing hugs? Is that true??
Laneia: WHY THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I like to think I give a pretty solid hug, yeah.

My friend (@Jessicadebba on twitter) is an awesome queer designer. She is illustrating an A-Z of LGBT people for lgbt history month. You should check them out/follow her!
Laneia: I am checking her out right now and also following her! You give great advice!

I can’t believe I know you guys in real life.

Dear Autostraddle, The “A Conversation On Queer Sex and Wheelchairs” piece was absolutely incredible, and I am so excited to see/surmise that Tovah is going to be a regular contributor here. I miss FWD Forward (Feminists with Disabilities for a Way Forward) and its magical brain-expanding powers so much, and I am thrilled at all the legit radical stuff y’all have been publishing lately. Hugs and hearts on that!!
Heather: Hugs and hearts to you too, friend! Thank you for telling us what you love so we can do more of it!

how do you compile your recamps?
Riese: An intern (Intern Nikki, this time) solicits recamps from everybody who worked at A-Camp. Usually there are a few people who don’t comply, but most people do. They organize their recollections by day, and then the intern compiles all the recamps from each day into a post about that day, in roughly chronological order (as in, morning activities, then afternoon block… etc etc… music night). Then I go in and put them into exact chronological order (like in order of the set-list at music night), and I edit them down and chop them up into pieces so that it sounds like a normal flowing conversation and I can break up big blocks of text. This year the writers were able to add their contributions to a group google doc for each day rather than giving their writing directly to the intern, so some of the conversation was real! But most of it I created artificially by how I chopped up their conversation. Then I go through all the professional photographs I have access to and insert them as appropriate throughout the recamp. It takes forever and I don’t know how much longer I can do it without my brain falling out of my head.

Hey guys, just read Riese’s piece about GLAAD bringing back Indie Journalist award and I just want to say that the reason I joined A+ was because I want to support you guys and to thank you for the amazing content you consistently put out. I also want to thank you for the Cobolt plan because I live in a country where the cost of living is several times lower than the US and this plan makes it much more affordable for me to become a member. Thank you!!
Laneia: Thank YOU!!

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