ETA: Due to a technical error involving tagging, this post was unintentionally closed to everybody except for gold members for about 25 minutes after it was published. That has been fixed and all A+ members should now have the access they are paying for. We are very sorry for this error! We received a lot of angry communications during this 25-minute period, as it was apparently misinterpreted as a scheme to get more of your money. We want to reassure you that we’d never ask you to give us more money in order to see the answers to the questions you asked us! The Autostraddle Insider, The A+ Bee, Some Answers To Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us and Interviews With Our Exes will always be available to every single A+ member who logs in to their account. If access to any of those posts is blocked for you, then it’s a technical error. Let us know, and we’ll fix it. (Also, there’s no such thing as Gold-only content, Silver and Gold have the same permissions.) On any given day it’s far more likely that we’re stressed out about not giving all our members enough A+ content than we are about how to take more of it away. <3

Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as nny as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Tried to sign up for the newsletter but it said I was already signed up. Not sure if that’s because I was part of the beta test or because of a computer malfunction, but… If it turns out it was a computer thing and it didn’t go through or something, would I be able to get on the list after it closes? :-/ they’re such a good part of my week!
Laneia: Hopefully this is all sorted out by now, but if you’re NOT receiving the AS Weekly and you’re unable to sign up for it here, email me laneia@autostraddle.com and we’ll get you fixed up!

Can we expect that next month (January) you’ll be publishing the recamps for 6.0 and announcing the dates for the next camp?
Riese: We can! Also we have announced the dates for the next camp right here in literally every installment of SQYBAU so far! Maybe even also in The Insider!

why are comments not posting in chronological order?
Riese: Maybe you are hanging upside-down from a tree?

yo where can I sign up for the newsletter through tinyletter? I don’t want to ever miss it!!
Laneia: tinyletter.com/autostraddle! minus the exclamation point, i was just excited

Not A+ related, but is the “Tomboy Femme” shirt going to be back in stock? Please tell me it will be back!
Riese: We don’t have any plans to bring it back just yet — we actually had to mark it down to clear out what we had in stock, which usually is a sign that that particular item of merch has sailed into the dark horizon. But we might use those same words for a different style of shirt.

Hello! How long does it usually take for Meet Up submissions to be approved? Thanks
Carmen: “meet-ups take about 2 days to be approved, but if you notice yours isn’t up yet or you wanna rush it, just email me: carmen at autostraddle dot com.”

I just got my Yes Cats! zine in today’s mail and it was even packaged with cat duct tape. I laughed so hard. And needed that laugh today particularly. You guys are amazing.
Riese: The saddest moment of our collective lives was when we ran out of Cats duct tape and now I can’t find another roll anywhere! I’m so glad you were able to bask in that glow while it lasted.

hi I love you guys! Will the black Lazy Femme tees ever come back in stock?
Riese: I think so, yes.

Hello Autostraddle! Here’s a thing that maybe you already know. My firefox just ran an update, and when I restarted it, it had automatically disabled my Autostraddle plugin because it’s unsigned, or unverified or something. To re-enable it, I had to go to the config file and change xpinstall.signature.required to false. Just a heads up, maybe a bunch of plugins on peoples’ computers have been or are about to be disabled.
Heather: Ohhhh, that’s what happened to me. Okay, well that’s good to know. I honestly thought my Macbook was possessed by hell demons. (It wouldn’t be the first time.)

Please tell me that the “Lazy Femme” shirts will be restocked! Or even better, will be made available in patch form! I just need this in my life so bad, but my size was out of stock when I went to order! =(
Laneia: Oh wow a patch would be so cute. I want you to know that I floated this idea to Team Merch, of which I am a member, and at least one other person was jazzed/into it. Her name is Yvonne.

Why can’t Cobalt memberships be gifted?
Riese: Cobalt memberships are a unique and specific option that exist so Autostraddle fans who want to support A+ but can’t afford to have a lower-cost option, and that concept doesn’t translate into gifting. Part of how Cobalt works is that the labour on our end is zero because we don’t send out stickers. But gift memberships do involve labour (we have to make the membership certificates manually ’cause it’s not Memberpress-enabled), so it doesn’t translate in that sense either.

Hey guys! Are there any plans for a reprint of the black Lazy Femme shirts? I was a fool and didn’t buy one right away, and I’ve been kicking myself ever since the larges went out of stock!
Riese: I am going to knit you a black lazy femme tea cozy! Also I think we will be re-ordering them very soon!

A-Camp 6.0 Recamps coming soon yes please?
Riese: Yes!

how can i donate an A+ membership?
Riese: Here!

Has anyone else noticed the hilarious stream of spam on one of the old Butch Please! articles?
Riese: No… but something pretty bizarre is happening on the whiskey article.

Laneia: Who knew dentists had so many feelings about whiskey drinking?

I’m so excited! I decided that A-camp is GOING TO HAPPEN for me, and I even went ahead and requested the vacation time off work. But just a small question – did the dates change? Because I’m sure I saw May 27-Jun 1 yesterday, but now I see May 29-Jun 3. Which is correct? (Btw either one works for me, but I want to know so I can tell my boss the right dates!)
Riese: May 29th-June 3rd is correct. I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOUR FACE and maybe having the courage to say some words to it.

Just in cause y’all missed it, there was a suggestion for “slutty power lesbian” AE merch. I would buy it!
Riese: Oh that is a brilliant idea.

Laneia: Ahem PATCHES, people. Just saying. Patches. Slutty power lesbian patches.

When’s the next camp? are there recamps for the last one?
Riese: The next camp is happening in my backyard next weekend, there will be small tents available for rental, tofu stir-fry for everybody (please text me re: would you like zucchini in your stir-fry) and also we will be putting on an all-female production of Guys and Dolls, re-named Dolls and Dolls. The recamps will be presented to you as spoken word poetry with choreography by Kaylah Wilson.

I just wanted to say I love you guys so much. Also I am totally going to buy that cat zine soon. I also wanted to thank you guys for being so totally perfect about mental health issues. I’ve been having a rough time with discrimination lately (even though, ironically, the mental health issues themselves are much better) about depression and anxiety and it is so nice to have a supportive virtual community as a queer lady with mental health issues.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Hi guys, I watched a really good lez-themed film yesterday and I don’t think I’d ever seen it mentioned on here (weird). Its a Korean film called A Girl at My Door (Dohee-ya) and its about a police chief helping an abused girl and smashing the patriarchy along the way. Its sad – but not in the hokey Lez Miserable way – and thoughtful and I LOVED IT.
Laneia: This sounds like something we would want to watch!

UGH WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH WONDERFUL PEOPLE
Rachel: NO YOU. WHY ARE YOU. WHYYYYYY

It’s 11:11 pm and my wish is that Autostraddle and A Camp will be here forever for every queer that needs a home
Heather: Friend, that is my prayer every hour of every day for all time.

UPDATE TO THE LAST UPDATE: I promise I’ll leave y’all alone after this, but I read that great article about asexuality, realized I don’t know so much still, and uuuuuuh, now the human crush and I are going to see Carol. INTENSITY TO THE MAX! over and out, gal pals!

LAST UPDATE ON COMIC BOOK/CRUSH/FRIEND: Because Heather was (and rightfully so) concerned–we did end up seeing Carol together and totally fell in love (with the film). They are going to share more comics with me and idkidkidk I FEEL SWELL
Heather: I KNEW IT! Can I have a +1 to your wedding? My gal pal and I love finger foods and free booze.

I’m hungry and it’s 5am and I have sore acne
Riese: You know what they say, the only thing worse than the Dow Jones Industrial Average is sore acne! I recommend potato chips.

YOU GUYS SERIAL STARTED UP AGAIN TODAY!!!! Sorry I had to tell everyone that I know listens, I’m just so excited it’s back.
Laneia: Don’t you ever apologize for living so fully in your excitement.

I was just in the bathroom at my partner’s house and their cat wandered in, jumped up onto the rim of the loo and DID A WEE IN IT. THE CAT HAS WORKED OUT THAT WEE GOES IN THE TOILET. I thought y’all should hear this.
Laneia: THIS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL SO HAPPY AND PEACEFUL. Did it also flush?

ok so i’m almost done watching transparent and watching Ali and Syd’s first love scene was a Moment. I was completely alone but still had a fleeting feeling of paranoia of making sure nobody could see me. i think it’s because the best TV, the shit you most connect with, in watching someone else be exposed (literally, they are quite naked), you can’t help also being exposed because you forget yourself. anyway… that was a run-on way to say that, if i’d seen that scene as a lil teen, the fact that i really truly like girls would’ve hit me like a lighting bolt – i definitely wouldn’t have spent high school twisting my mind this way and that, trying to figure out: do i like boys more? do i like girls more? am i overthinking myself into bisexuality? am i just trying to be “different”? nope. god.
also, the end of the 8th(?) episode was the first time i’d ever heard Closer to Fine.
so, uh, anyway, these are my confessions.
Rachel: I want to do a roundtable of the first time we all heard Closer to Fine! Only sort of JK. Anyways that’s so amazing that you had that moment! Isn’t media incredible?

This is the best thing I’ve read this weekend:  HOW ABIGAIL FISHER IS ALL THE WORST PARTS OF RON WEASLEY FROM HARRY POTTER Because it clearly explains why Abby needs to move on but also helps me understand better why I find Ron so obnoxious.
Heather: Okay, but who do you find more obnoxious: Ron or Peeta?

So I just finished transparent and the overwhelming thought I kept having was “Straight people are watching this! People who know nothing about trans people are watching this! This is so fucking queer and all the people are watching this!” There was no one here for me to say this out loud to, so. Now if only it wasn’t so white.
Riese: I’ve always imagined Transparent‘s audience to be 50% queer people and 50% people who read about television on The AV Club and/or The New Yorker, but I find this perspective more heartening.

Just saw Brittani Nichols on Transparent and was so excited and trying to explain it to my straightmos and finally they were like “yea, cool, some funny chick you saw at A-Camp.” it was devastating.
Rachel: I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but I think you might need new friends?

Laneia: Yes. Rachel is correct as usual.

GAH!!!!!!!! My fiance person is going to be here so soon I can almost taste it!!!! The US Embassy in the Philippines has received our paperwork and IM SO EXCITED AND NERVOUS BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK IT WOULD BE SO SOON AND IM SO EXCITED. LDR for 7 years you guys. SEVEN YEARS *rollsonthefloor
Laneia: SEVEN YEARS?! I don’t think I’ve even kept a houseplant alive for seven years, and it’s in the house with me. Congratulations on your exciting life situation!!!!!

I just watched Thelma & Louise for the first time and it changed my life xoxo
Rachel: TELL US MORE.

I think if 15 y.o me had this A+ box thing my 15y.o self would say: Dear Autostraddle, Thanks for making me feel less awkward. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this world. All the other lesbians here in school are very butch (No offense) I can have long hair AND be a lesbian right? Also please send me a lesbian friend.
Laneia: To your 15 year-old self I would say, “That is correct! You can be anything you want to be and still be a lesbian! You can be a tightrope-walking goddess covered in cotton candy. You can even be yourself. The lesbian friends are on their way. You might have to go looking for them though. Keep your eyes peeled. I LOVE YOU.”

You know you’re adulting when you can eat a slice of CAKE or PIE AND have a COOKIE at 7:05 am.
Rachel: Because you waited til after the hour? Yes, absolutely, this is correct. Real adults never eat snack food RIGHT ON THE HOUR. That would be anarchy.

Today I sat through a 45 minute appointment with a new doctor who shamed me for my mental health, my weight, my level of education, my work ethic, and my desire to pursue motherhood as a person who is fat and takes antidepressants. I walked out of there and sat in my car and cried for 15 minutes before I could even turn on the engine. I just wanted to tell somebody who would understand how I feel right now and you guys are always so nice. If this woman had been my doctor 3 months ago when I sought help with my crippling depression, I don’t know if I’d even be here right now. So I came home and had a glass of wine and ordered a pizza and snuggled my dog for a while and I feel better. Anyway, Thanks for being great people who aren’t assholes to perfectly nice 33 year old women who are just trying to live. Happy Holidays! PS can you tell Mey I love Love Actually so much and I am forever aligned in solidarity with her? Thanks!
Rachel: Well that doctor sounds horrific? I’m so sorry you had that experience, medical stuff can feel so scary and violating even when it goes well sometimes and when a doctor is actively making it worse, forget about it. I am really proud & happy that you made your own night better after you got home, and whether you decide you want to search for a new doctor or try to make things work with this one, I have faith that your decision is a good one for you! What kind of pizza did you order!

Oooh, I get a priority contact box? For now I’ll use it thank you all for making my holigays better between the featured genderqueer highlights post, the A+ parfait conversation about that ridiculous EliteDaily article on the bonuses of being bisexual, and putting all the Gal Pal goods on sale. =)
Rachel: thank you gal pal! <3

Whisky filled chocolate isn’t as nice as it sounds, unfortunately. I think because smell is so important to the taste of whisky. Just, FYI. Baileys filled chocolate is still a winner, though.
Laneia: Thank you for being the braver soul and sharing this information with us. I came super close to buying brandy beans this year, but somehow (and now I believe, miraculously) talked myself out of it.

hey guys so i’m super high right now and i cant stop thinking about how awesome it is that we live in a time where a movie like carol exist in the world right now? like it is a good movie? it’s like someone wanted to ask for forgiveness to my eyes for all the terrible lesbian movies they had to watch. also i just watched a video with hannah hart and ingrid nielsen and i’m so happy that they’re so happy. like i’m not happy in my life right now but i’m happy that there are many other people who are. this is not a question or a hot tip i think, sorry, but while i was writing i noticed the from the archives section and i wanted to ask: is there someone who chooses the articles or ar they random?
Riese: You know what, all those things make me feel really happy too! It’s so weird how far we have come, I marvel at it every day. It also makes me happy that you’re a person who can feel happy about other people being happy even if you’re not happy because I feel like that can be hard to do sometimes even though we know we should. And “from the archives” is a random assortment of posts that I personally have tagged with “greatest hits.”

You know what’s the fucking worst? It’s 2016 and we STILL can’t have those marshmallows.
Rachel: I really hope 2017 is our year.

one of my pieces (“minha família”) was featured in your list of 215 best longreads of 2015 and I’m so freaking excited about it and I commented on the post already but I wanted to be annoying and say so here to. so. yeah. THANK YOU SO MUCH! you can’t imagine how glad that made me – it was my first piece ever published in english, also the first piece I was ever paid for as a writer, it’s super important to me overall and seeing it in your list was the most encouraging recognition I could ever get. thank you.
Riese: Do you know how happy it MAKES ME that I picked a piece for that list that apparently turns out to have been written by an A+ member? THIS HAPPY:

YOU GUYS I’m too tired to comment but I love everything happening on here, and I can’t wait for this coming year!! New Year’s Resolution: I’m going to host more AS meetups!!
Laneia: Hot damn! Happy new year!

I’ve been making a tumblr for a friend who isn’t talking to me right now. I reblogged a few things directly from her recently. I have no idea if she’s seen it yet or not, or what she’ll think of it when she does. I hope it makes her happy and feel cared for. I hope it helps our situation. I am so scared. I hate losing friendships.
Laneia: It worked for Riese!

Riese: It’s true, I hope you heard about it on the A+ podcast or read about it on our Gal Pal interview.

you GUYS I read too many scary stories today and no I’m all freaked out. I know I just shouldn’t’ve read that many, but they were so good! But so unsettling! Ah! Now I have to go in the creepy back room and I really don’t want to.
Rachel: This happens to me SO OFTEN and it sucks because we’re grownups now and we just have to go into the creepy back room! Ugh! Why do they even make that room so creepy!

Just found out that a guy that I went to high school with starred in the new alvin and the chipmunks movie and for me a successful day is one during which i remember to both shower AND brush my teeth. Feeling very glamorous. In other news, I’m finally going to see Carol this weekend so that’s good.
Riese: You know I think that success means different things for different people and some of us take a little longer to get to where we want to go than other people and I think that’s okay.

Watched Jenny’s Wedding, thinking that even though you guys said it was awful I might still find it amusing because, historically, I love a lot of awful things. But no. It was so bad. It wasn’t even funny-bad, just bad-bad. Did they only have a sound budget for like, two songs and fourteen minutes of actual sound editing? I feel like the movie was at least 70% musical montage. And it was just just so bad so bad. But afterwards I started watching Jane The Virgin and all was well in the world!
Heather: Yes, that was correct! Jane the Virgin is the best thing on television! Have you gotten to the part where … no! *chews on fingers* I don’t want to spoil it for you. Tell us when you’re caught up!

I sending this into the A+ mailbox in hopes that Heather Hogan might find it. I cam across it today and thought she might find it interesting for her monthly fan fiction/ fandom article.
Heather: Well, thank you, kind soul! What an insightful article by a queer woman whose writing I enjoy very much. It will definitely make its way into Fan Fiction Friday!

Ashlyn Harris just referred to Alex Morgan as her “gal pal”. can we add them to the official Cutest Couples list now please? 
Laneia: I have added them to the list in my heart.

A Filipino TV show called “Ipaglaban Mo” (my rough translation is “Fight for You”) featured a lesbian couple this week! My Tagalog is terrible, so I know next to nothing regarding the characters Chona and Louie or their storyline further than this video from ABS-CBN’s YouTube channel and this article . This may be far from perfect representation, but they did say they love each other, so positive baby steps. I know it’s not much information, but I was really excited to see queer Asian women as a couple get visibility and PDA on a major network and had to share those feelings. -Mel
Heather: Mel, thank you! This is wonderful news and I’ll check out these two gal pals this weekend!

I just knowingly and intentionally kissed someone who is in a long term monogamous relationship and I feel awful about it. But she’s so cute and it’s been so long since I’ve been with someone and it’s nice to feel attractive and wanted, you know? My self esteem has been so shit lately. But we had a few drinks and she asked for a goodbye kiss and I should have said no but instead I said ‘are you sure’ and she said she was so I fucking did it like the biggest asshole ever. I feel so bad but also a little into it and that makes me feel even worse, I am the worst, and I need to tell someone but I can’t so I’m telling you. Sorry. You guys are the best I hope you don’t hate me. But like. should I call her and apologize or just act like nothing happened? Also I saw Carol with my mom and I loved it but she didnt because she thought it was rapey and then I thought about how I would feel if Carol’s character were a man and then I got all confused and realized that the story woulld not have been possible if she were so I have no perspective. Just that I tend to hate all male characters. Anyway yikes love you bye
Riese: It’s okay! I have done that exact thing that you just described doing myself many many moons ago back in my twenties (although in my defense the long-term partner of the person I kissed was also a legit monster), and I think the way you feel is the way you are supposed to feel — confused, terrible… and like a monster. But she’s the one with the girlfriend who shouldn’t have been hitting on you, my friend, so I think if this was a monster mash, she would out-monster you. You don’t owe her an apology. Just act like it never happened and avoid similar situations in the future. I don’t hate you because these are the follies of life and love and youth and sometimes our hearts scream louder and faster than our heads can think, especially when they’re drunk. But then you live and you learn and you don’t do it again, you know? Also, I think that you can’t imagine the story with Carol being a man because Carol isn’t a man. Full stop. That’s where the comparison ends, it is simply not the same thing.

I just saw Carol and I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath at the end until the screen went black and I jarred myself back into reality with a heavy exhale. I am so in love with everything right now.
Heather: These are the correct emotions you are feeling, these are absolutely correct, yes.

“It SNOWED?! How am I supposed to save up for a yard expansion if I have to dip into savings to buy these damn cats a space heater?” is a thing I just said and it is all Autostraddles fault for recommending this game. (I bought the heater, I’m not a monster.)
Laneia:

That’s Cat Rachel in the cowboy hat, btw.

is this the priority contact box. I hope to God it is cause what else can i be typing into. you guys. im drunk. im sad and lonely right now and i dont have anyone else to really talk to. It’s like being out and being closeted all at the same time. all i know is im sad and very lonely. autostraddle is the only place i can really go to. everyone here makes me feel better. the comments and content always cheer me up. sometimes i feel like you’re my only family and aree the only ones who understand me. im sorry if im making a tone of typos. im just glad you’re here.
Laneia: I’M GLAD YOU’RE HERE. I hope you’re drinking lots of water today and that you put your face in some sunshine! What’s your favorite AS thing to reread? Whenever I feel really sad, I revisit this little video.

I am SERIOUSLY considering missing the last week of classes spring term in order to come to A-Camp again. Like sure I’d get back and it would be finals week, sure it might be irresponsible. But I am a good student and I never do anything irresponsible, isn’t this what college is for? It’s been two years since my last A Camp, I feel completely different now and like it’ll be a huge boost for me if I do make this happen. So like.. I should right? I’ve pretty much already convinced myself havent I? Oh wow….
Heather: I’m not going to tell you what to do. (You should skip your last week of classes to come to A-Camp again.)

I want to be successful in life (for many reasons and) to be able to support Autostraddle for the rest of my life.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION

Any chance there will be more pieces on polyamory coming up? I love Autostraddle but it would be nice to see a bit more love for those of us who aren’t interested in monogamy, beyond the occasional link in NSFW Lexbosexy Sunday
Riese: Yes, I think we talked about this in the first edition of this column, in fact!

Please for the love of all things can there be a roundtable or something about basic social interaction cues like how to tell someone is flirting with you or wants to become a gal pal or is more than interested in a basic coworker situation sort of way? Like, how to tell they might be interested if social media and obvious rainbows and clothing indicators are removed from the equation.
Riese: Okay I think what you are really asking us is “please for the love of all things can there be a concrete method to decoding social interaction cures and flirting or how to tell if somebody is gay.” The problem isn’t a lack of advice on the topic, it is the topic itself being murky. I mean personally I feel like you can just tell if somebody is gay, you just can. You get the vibe or you don’t. But not everybody has a strong gaydar, so… moving on:

• You Need Help: Requisite Crush On That Barista
• Lesbian Dating 101
• Flirting With Danger: Dating Fails on the Autism Spectrum
• Body as a Second Language: Navigating Queer Girl Culture on the Autism Spectrum
• Am I On A Date Or Are We Two Pretty Ladies Hanging Out?
• Deanne Smith and the Dating Game
• Rejection 101

Rachel and Yvonne, I love your Daily Fixes so much! That column is one of my favorite news digests — it strikes a great balance between concise and comprehensive, and I really appreciate the topics you focus on and the thoughtful way you approach them. So thank you both for that! I’m really curious about how you keep track of the stories that should be included there? Obviously there are so many places to get news, but that can make it hard to sort through sometimes. Any tips or resources for that? Thanks once again :)
Rachel: Oh well this is very sweet! I can’t speak for Yvonne but I know I get a lot of my links from Twitter and Tumblr, mostly individual people I follow who post links or discuss stories that wouldn’t necessarily make it to the surface of the internet otherwise. I keep a google doc throughout the week and throw a link in there every time I find one, and then write about them the day before the fix. I also check Google news, Jezebel, Feministing, Colorlines, Salon, and a few other places to see if there’s any good #takes to talk about.

Yvonne: Thank you! I’m glad you enjoy our work! My approach is kind lengthy, like a mini research project. I look through my feedly which is all feminist, LGBT news and racial justice news websites like Jezebel, the Advocate, Colorlines, Think Progress, etc. I also comb through my Facebook feed because many of my friends are talking about a Thing that’s pertinent to our readers. I also use google news and our team is really good at finding really important news that they share in Slack. Once I have a bunch of links, I use OneTab to sort through them and see what’s the most important and organize them by topic or theme. Then I read all about the story and write a Daily Fix for you!

I’m watching the Project for Awesome livestream right now and remembering your Advice-a-Thon – and I’m wondering whether a 24/48-hour YouTube/Hangouts telethon thing might be something AS is interested in doing?
Laneia: Hangouts are a thing we’re interested in, yes! 24-hr hangouts sound like a certain kind of torture but an hour would be neat!

ok so i tried watching The 100, and it is so poorly acted it is downright astounding! and the writing is absolutely terrible! what gives? be honest do we actually like the shows with queer characters that are currently on television or do we just watch them because we have nothing else? this is an honest question. i want to be a part of your world.
Riese: I think we watch them because we have not a WHOLE LOT else. I think some of the present shows with prominent queer characters are genuinely fantastic, like Orange is the New Black and Transparent… but as a rule, yes, we throw our weight behind a lot of shows that aren’t that great because we are desperate for representation. But truly, most shows aren’t that great, not just the gay ones. I mean The 100 isn’t even very gay!

I would love to see the Autostraddle team interview Jill Soloway about Transparent S2! Idk if this is already in the works or if you’ve tried before or whatever, but I think Autostraddle is uniquely positioned to engage her politics/mission/agenda/intents and impacts. I know she’s a controversial figure, and I feel like you all are experts at teasing out what things to celebrate and honor and what things are problematic about a show/person/queer media phenomenon. TL;DR can’t wait to see more Autostraddle content about Transparent!
Laneia: I really appreciate your belief in us!

Do any of your new staff writers write things about finances? Can someone start? Those 3 articles that Kaelyn wrote were super cool and great and I want more content like that.
Laneia: We are working on this.

Now that carol is out in more theaters, can we please have an open thread to discuss our feelings? Because I have a lot and my wife may divorce me if I don’t have someone to talk to about it.
Heather: How about here! Or here!

I’m gonna be moving to Austin soon and I had a dream that I went on Autostraddle and there was a Queer City Girl Guide but I woke up and THERE WAS NONE. So this is me as a socially awkward queer nerd calling out for help on cool places to go in Austin. ALSO, I HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON.
Laneia: LET’S GO AUSTIN, GET IT TOGETHER. If you want to write a Queer Girl City Guide for Austin, email Bren bren@autostraddle.com!

do you think you might do the penpal thing again? mine only lasted a letter each the first time :( anyway i’ve been real lonely and now would be a good time for a penpal
Riese: I think the penpal thing took Laura literally hundreds of hours — I’m not exaggerating — to put together, and now we are even more popular than we were then, so! Probably not. :-(

When someone uses they/their pronouns, do you say “they is________” or “they are___________?”
Laneia: I feel like we all say “They are.”

Dearest awesome Autostraddle, You guys should take the complaints about the U.S. focus on the site as a complement. It means that you do what you do in such a great way that people want you to do everything. It is ok that you can’t do everything, no one can. There is also a limit to how many roles any one entity can play (I started to write person because I guess I anthropomorphize Autostraddle). People seem to always get upset when you guys aren’t magically able to know everything and do everything for free. It’s bullshit.
Heather: ” It is ok that you can’t do everything, no one can.” Well, I just wrote that down on a piece of paper and am going to read it out loud to myself every day from now on.

Hello! I just wanted to let y’all know that I was just out tonight with two cis white dudes (one of whom I know pretty well and is pretty open to feminist ideas but is still a cis white dude so.. yeah..) and I feel like I, as a queer white cis woman, represented feminism pretty well, to the best of my ability.. and I usually am afraid to speak my mind and be loud and have an opinion, but tonight I wasn’t! And I spoke out and represented myself well! And I think I represented women well! And I am happy with the way I spoke about women’s issues.. and we all talked about intersectionality (is that how you spell it?) and white privilege and male privilege and cis privilege and it was great… and, point is, I feel like I can talk about these things intelligently partially because of the empowerment I have found here on this website. I have learned so much since joining this community, and I love you guys so much and I am really grateful for what I have learned here. So yay!

I NEED ADVICE

I have an advice-question? I want to go see Carol, but all my friends are straight, and I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to ask them out on a date. They’re all super-cool, but I just don’t want to have an awkward ‘no I’m not interested / oh no I’m not flirting, I just want to see the movie’ conversation where people might get embarrassed. :-/
Rachel: Aw I don’t think they’ll think it’s a date! Or if they do, somehow, it’s on them for thinking so. It’s an important cultural moment, and it’s important to you, and if they’re good friends they should be thinking of it that way rather than assuming you’re trying to seduce them into gayness just because you’re a gay person inviting them to see a gay movie. Also if you’re really worried about that I think the easiest thing to do would just be to invite a large group of people, at least 3-4, it will definitely not be read as date-ish.

When I tell people that I’m gay, or they somehow realise it, I never really get a reaction (which is great), but after a unspecified amount of time a lot of them will tell me about other people they know who are gay, and/or their own experiences with same sex relationships. This weekend, for instance, a friend from work told me (in the same sentence) that they appreciated how helpful I’d been lately, and also that they once had tried to have a same sex relationship. My question is why does this happen, and also what does one do with this information?
Rachel: This happens to me CONSTANTLY and I suspect we are not alone. I think people carry around these things inside of them and on some level are desperate to talk them through, and they’re so excited when they meet us they briefly forget we’re real people and treat us like, I don’t know, a hotline (bling). Usually I just try to politely change the subject, and if it keeps coming up AGAIN and again every time I see them then I try to, um, see them less because being their therapist is way above my pay grade. Probably that’s not the healthiest approach? I don’t know, does anyone else have ideas?

Riese: This always always always happens. Although this was not my experience, I can think of 2-3 people off the top of my head for whom the person who then wanted to share their same-sex experience/feelings was their very own mother, so you know, count your blessings/curses.

sometimes online dating makes me anxious. and sometimes that anxiety means i keep avoiding messaging back the cool pretty girls from the internet. Because what if the cool pretty girl from the internet doesn’t think I’m cool and pretty?! what if!?! #noReallyIHaveAHandleOnMyAnxiety Anyway, what is the statue of limitations on messaging back someone on a dating app. I know the sooner the better for messaging someone back. But what if I got anxious and didn’t message them for a few days, can I still message them? what about a few weeks? Maybe I should get over my anxiety? Maybe I should just make cookies instead and forget about dating because scary? brb making cookies
Laneia: I think the rule is that you can write them back whenever you want to, but because the world is a kaleidoscope of possibilities, they may or may not be in a position to then reply to YOU. So it’s a mystery! What will happen next? No one knows! The only way to find out is to write and send that message. Do it! And if the cool pretty girl from the internet doesn’t think you’re cool and pretty, that’s ok. The world and internet are both full of cool pretty girls who are fun to meet and get smoothies with.

Hi guys! I have one thing to say and one thing to ask. First of all: I’m really sorry that I had to switch from Silver to Cobalt – I just quit my job that was making me miserable, so now I’m happier but also a lot more broke! But I’m super glad Cobalt exists now because I love you guys and I’m glad I can still support this fine website, even if it’s in a smaller way. SECOND: I have a crush on a hot babe in my friend’s choir who looks EXACTLY LIKE LENA HEADEY. Like, s he has her actual face. And I thought it was hopeless because my friend said she liked boys but then another friend told her a girl liked her and now I have her number and we’re going on a date this week?!?! Anyway it’s been a million years since I’ve been on a first date and I’m so happy and excited but also want to throw up, what the hell should I do/say? Should I wear a dress or pants? ANY FIRST DATE TIPS APPRECIATED!
Riese: What if you wore a dress and pants?!! I think you should wear whatever makes you feel the hottest and the most comfortable. Come up with 5-6 questions you can ask her about herself for if you run out of things to say. To be honest I don’t think I’ve ever been on a first date where I didn’t have a drink first, but that’s probably not healthy advice. Although you know what technically the first time I went out with my current girlfriend it was during the day and I was not intoxicated in the least, so there you go. Just remember that even if it doesn’t work out or it’s a disaster, you still learned something new about the world and/or conquered a fear tonight, and that in and of itself is pretty rad.

Also, here are Audrey’s First Date Tips!

I wrote to youneedhelp@autostraddle.com a couple of months ago and I FINALLY took Laneia’s advice and my life has been much better since then. Thanks!
Laneia: WELL GOSH, this is such great news! I’m so glad your life is better — thank you for sharing! I feel like a wizard.

Hey Guys… I hope its alright that I’m writing here, but I need help…
I just got out of a tumultuous 14 month relationship. Tumultuous because even though I am certain that we loved each other and had the very best intentions, we got into a lot of fights. She would say that I was ‘Crazy’ or ‘Demanding’ and I would say ‘I am telling you what upsets me/what I need and as my partner and someone that loves me, I don’t understand why you don’t WANT to do those things for me? Or at the very least can’t you say you love me while declining my request? Why do you have to be mad at me?”

Post break up, we had taken to calling each other ‘family’ and pledging our undying love and commitment. With the same issues.
Last night we got into a fight. I don’t remember how it started, but I do remember the last thing that I said which was: ‘Did you ever think maybe what was missing from our relationship is that I don’t trust you to get your shit together?’ She responded by getting extremely angry, then stormed off and blocked me on every available social media platform she could think of. Now I am here in the aftermath, thinking that I wasted 14 months of my life with someone who loved me, but not enough to not hurt me, that I didn’t love enough to not hurt either. And that makes me feel sad and scared. Will I forever be drawn to people that are toxic to me? I blame it on my loyalty. But, maybe its something else? I know that I’m too in it to really see whats going on. To see the light that will lead me out of this tunnel.. so please.. tell me things that will make me feel less mean and less crazy?
Riese: I don’t think you wasted 14 months because I think that relationships that fail this spectacularly are also the most valuable learning experiences you could ever have. Every relationship ends except the one you are in when you die, yannow? 14 months isn’t even that  long, really, in the grand scheme of things. Some people spend years – some people get married and have children! — with people who are bad for them and vice versa. Without the relationships that don’t work, we never get to have the ones that do work. Without knowing the specifics of what it was you wanted from her that she wasn’t giving you, it’s hard to comment, but I think you probably have already learned that saying,  “do you ever think maybe what was missing from our relationship is that I don’t trust you to get your shit together?” is probably not the best move? And hopefully she knows that calling you crazy for sharing your feelings is not such a great idea, either.

But also I think breaking up due to your mutual inability to love the other person how they wanted to be loved but still expecting a familial level of commitment is unrealistic and doomed to fail. Generally that kind of thing only works if there’s been a lot of time since you broke up or if your relationship failed due to a lack of passion rather than due to a lack of mellow.

I think going forward it’s just important to think about the difference between things a good partner should give you — care, attention, consideration, affection, love, space to be yourself — and things you wish were true about who your partner is. Pay attention to this not only in how you deal with your partner but also how your partner deals with you.

this girl I sort of know and definitely have a crush on just got a job at the sex toy store I go to. how to proceed??!?!
Riese: I think you should proceed to the sex toy store. I think that’s what it says in the manual.

Soooo what are alternative lifestyle haircuts like now? Remember 2012 when everybody had an undercut? So many dykes I know have long hair now, even butches, is that a thing? Should I grow my hair out? What are your tips to having long hair AND also having men ignore you? I don’t know what to do with my hair, what is lesbian fashion anymore, halp!
Riese: I mean Alex has really long hair now, so. My butch fiancé is also growing out her hair. She wore a man-bun like all weekend.

I got broken up with via text message two days before Christmas while I’m at my parents. Help.
Riese: Oh man this probably happened a long time ago by the time you are going to read this. But I am really sorry about your Christmas. I hope somebody put a much nicer girlfriend in your stocking, or that you had eggnog with a friend and felt different kinds of love that made you feel whole or even just spent some nice time alone looking out a window while listening to Adele. Any of those things.

So, I need to unburden myself a little. Today, I met my friend’s partner for the first time. They’ve been together for about 5 years now, but over the last few years, his partner has begun identifying as genderqueer, and using they/them pronouns. He’s told me this, but when I met them today, I fucked up a few times, using she/her pronouns, and their dead name. Obviously, not intentionally, and I apologized immediately, but I’m still feeling really terrible about it. I want to be a good friend, and a good ally, but other than just NOT doing that the next time I see them, which could be months, since we live in different cities, I don’t know how to make it up to them. Any ideas about something I could do or say that would not just make it worse, or that would not just be about making myself feel better?
Riese: I think if you texted or e-mailed them to apologize, that would be a polite thing to do. I think that’s just manners, though, not a political or social or even an emotional decision, you know?

I moved back in with my family after graduation because loans and will I ever get laid/have privacy again??? I feel like this would be a good story idea.
Riese: Well, based on my experience, probably not a whole bunch, but you know what you just have to work really hard and save up some money and get out of there. OR you can seek out girls like me who hate sleepovers (I like waking up in my own space, having my things, being IN CONTROL) who therefore would love to date a girl who lives at home because she will never ask her to sleep over! Alex and I dated for three years when she still lived at home. She loves it when I mention this in public as often as possible.

Should I go see Carol on a second date? This girl is so cute and I want to figure out if we’ll be watching the movie or just making out? (Both would be more than fine!)
Heather: Yes. Making out is only enhanced by having Carol in the background. (Source: I tested this theory myself.)

pls can one of you explain what Hamilton is?! and why queers are going mad for it? thanks!
Heather: I can’t help you. I’m dedicating this year to figuring out what “Coachella” is (IF IT EVEN REALLY EXISTS). At this point, according to what I have witnessed on Twitter, it is a fake musical that exists on the DVD extras of the final season of Parks and Recreation. Good luck in your pursuit of unknown truths; may Scully guide your path.

Ok A-team, looking for a little advice. My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. We dated for two months or so. She basically came out completely when we started dating (whereas I’ve been out for a few years now), and I’m the first girl she has ever slept with. She’s really just figuring out how to be gay. She broke up with me because she’s going through some emotional stuff right now and doesn’t feel like she can be in a relationship, which sucks, but ultimately, I get it. We’re trying to figure out how to be friends, but I feel like she’s asking too much from me. I want to be friends, but I can’t keep her emotions prioritized in my life the way that they used to be because I want to move on and date other people. Whenever I feel like I’m being honest about this, she gets frustrated and hurt and talks about wanting it to all just be easy and like it was before between us, but without the relationship status, the sex, or the emotional responsibility, which she says she can’t handle. She says she wants me to treat her the way I used to, but the fact is that I treat my friends differently than the people I date. I want to make this work because I care about her. I also know that people who I click with like I do with her, don’t come around often in my life, and I want to hold on to those people. But I also need to make sure I’m taking care of myself throughout all of this. We met up yesterday after a month of not talking and while it was great to see her, it was also painful. We had a long, intense text conversation afterward that was all over the place and emotional for both of us. I’m trying to figure out how to move forward with a friendship while protecting myself and trying to move on in my own life. What do I do?
Riese: She is asking too much from you and it isn’t fair, truly. But also figuring out boundaries, expectations and rules for female friendships after a break-up is very new to her and she might not know what models to use or what to expect. It sounds like she wants to keep you on-hand to meet her needs, but isn’t concerned about how she might or might not be meeting your needs. That’s not fair as a friendship or in a relationship. And I think the only way that will change is if you tell her this. But you have to be confident that you’re right and firm and doing the best thing for you — and really for her, too, because one day you will meet somebody else anyhow and she will need to have established a smaller spot in your life than she has right now.

Does anyone else really want a Sarah Paulson in Carol in their lives? Does anyone have one?
Heather: Sarah Paulson is kind of the Shane of Carol, huh?

Riese: I kinda feel like Sarah Paulson is the ALICE of Carol!

I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. Literally. It’s as if I manifested it. Girlfriend, school, apartment, and city of my dreams. And I’m so depressed. I have the most supportive girlfriend ever. Almost to a fault though? Like she’s almost chronically happy and bubbly and excited for life. Which I know shouldn’t be a bad thing. But I’m just… not. My baseline sadness runs much lower than hers, and in the midst of my major depressive episode, perhaps one of the worst I’ve had, I feel like I shouldn’t be with her anymore. That we aren’t a good match because of our drastically different personalities and coping mechanisms (hers, to be bubbly. Mine, to cry all day). But also if we break up, I won’t have anyone in my support system… I’m scared. Is this my depression talking? What should I do, autostraddle? I feel so alone.
Riese: Yes, I think that could be your depression talking! And you should go see a doctor about it, would be my advice. Depression is really lonely, I mean, except that sometimes depression feels like your only friend, but she is A TOTAL DEB. Honestly I think it’s good that you have somebody in your life that is effortlessly cheerful, you know? The differences between us and the people we love are where so much learning and understanding and mind-expansion happens. But make sure that the up-beat-ness doesn’t mean she doesn’t see the bad stuff, either. Like it’s important that she knows what’s going on with you, engages with you, and is supportive when you go get help (because you should!). That would be my advice.

you guys. i love you. you help my sanity from every fucking day of life. when i feel down and i get to this site all i know is i have good vibes going through me. i love autostraddle

MISC

anytime someone asks me for a resource about something I tell them “there’s an autostraddle article for that” and then I rack my brain and google search for autostraddle+topic and it comes up. because there always is. sometimes i feel like an autostraddle librarian. would you hire me for that?
Riese: First you have to make a dewey decimal system and update our Wikipedia page. WHAT SAY YOU

hey! this is not a question, but i’m taking advantage of this box for saying something i’ve been meaning to say for a long time: riese, i’m sorry i never comment on “things i read that i love” but you should know that i always read it and i love it and i save almost every article you recommend. it’s just that i usually don’t have time to read everything when the post is published, so i end up reading them days/weeks/months later. i just wanted to say i’m sorry for not showing my appreciation. and i hope that the column will continue until autostraddle will continue which is going to be forever, so, yeah.
Riese: Well THANK YOU! Thank you very much. It will continue because I get comments like this and that’s what touches my heart library.

Heather!! I hope this isn’t creepy but I just scrolled all through your IG to look at all the vids and pix of the Bobbis!! I’m going to miss seeing them all on your IG. You are so great with them!!! I was so heart broken when I saw that they were sick and now they’re going to their forever homes. You’re such a wonderful person. Thank you for sharing the Bobbis with us
Heather: This is the opposite of creepy. I would literally talk about those Bobbis all day every day if someone would listen to me! One funny thing Socks Bobbi is doing all the time now is trying to get us to make little blanket forts for him under our knees under our bed covers. He loves it. He’d sleep inside those little knee tents all day. When we won’t do it, or we’re not on the bed, he pushes the blankets all around with his face trying to make his own tents. I just lifted up my duvet and here’s what he looks like under there (I think he’s worried I’m going to make him get out).

MAJOR, VERY IMPORTANT, EARTH SHATTERING NEWS Rhea & Cameron Butcher-Esposito just shared a “JUST MARRIED” photo on twitter and I’m over here, dying. THIS SHOULD BE FRONT PAGE NEWS. Could two humans be any more perfect and awesome!?
Riese: No I don’t think so, not unless somebody involved is named “Ellen” or “Samira Wiley.”

Okay so I super duper loved all the gift guides and I got something for my mom off one of them! BUT I was wondering if next year maybe you could do them a little earlier in the year depending on when hanukah is! I had to buy all my hanukah presents pre-gift guides, and then I read them and was like, aww my sister would have loved these things but I already got her something weird! But also you’re perfect, so there’s that.
Laneia: Let me tell you a little story about how this next holiday season’s gift guides are going to be planned, coordinated and published, it goes like this: HELL YEAH THEY’LL BE OUT SOONER.

HEY AS GO LOOK UP THE TRAILER FOR “THE GIRL KING”-A HISTORICAL DRAMA ABOUT A LESBIAN RULER!!!! I’M SO PUMPED!
Heather: Hey, I wrote about it!

STOP EVERYTHING. This is possibly the gayest photo of Abby Wambach ever taken: 
Heather: That’s possibly the gayest photo of anyone ever taken.

I just met someone at work named LINNEA and she says it just like LANEIA and I got really excited just because you know I love you guys
Laneia: I’M SO EXCITED I WISH I COULD MEET HER, TOO. I want to talk to her about that book about visiting Monet’s garden. She’ll know the one.

Good Morning, I hope your day have been lovely so far. I just wanted to share with you that every time I see the word “holiday” I subconsciously read it as “holigay”. I hope you all have a wonderful holigay season.
Heather: Your indoctrination is complete! Congratulations!

there have been so many good things posted today! SO MANY GOOD THINGS!!! thank you for brightening the first Monday of the year!
Heather: Thank you for spending your first Monday of the year with us! May your 2016 be filled with warmth and affection and as many gummy bears as your heart desires!

You guys. KAELYN. KAELYN. KAELYN. She just nailed FOT with the “dear 15 year old me” I LITERALLY CANNOT RIGHT NOW.
Riese: HOW ABOUT NOW THOUGH

Just wanted to wish you guys happy holidays and a sensational and lucrative 2016
Laneia: LUCRATIVE! I don’t think I’ve ever used that word in a sentence. I would like to wish YOU a happy and sensational and lucrative 2016 as well!

College humor has figured out you need to pee before and after sex, I refuse to believe this isn’t our collective doing
Riese: I think everything is pretty much our collective doing when it all comes down to it.

Autostraddle!!! When you go on vacation for 3 weeks and you come back to 10 (TEN!) pages of missed articles! How will I ever get through the work week! You’re killing me in the best way

update: It’s taken me a while but today I MADE IT TO THE FRONT PAGE! I’m so happy to be semi caught up :)
Heather: Well done! You are a shining example to all of us that we should never stop believing in the beauty of our dreams!

the Follow Your Arrow column is fantastic please keep doing them!
Heather: Okay!

Merry merry merry Chrismukkah to you all! Thank-you for another stellar year. xx
Heather: And to you! May your road in 2016 lead you to delightful books and warm blankets!

Happy holigays! I am at work today and I work tomorrow too the carousel never stops turning
Laneia: Happy Holigays! Making that moneyyyyyyy!

I miss Grace Ellis here…
Laneia: Same.

Riese: Yes, forever and always every single day I feel this way and it makes my heart hurt a lot.

Dear autostraddle are you reading the Ferrante novels? they are much more exciting than i had anticipated. so much about women’s love, and the men don’t matter!
Riese: I don’t know what you’re talking about but you know what I think I’m going to find out.

Good on Naya Rivera for keying and egging Mark Salling’s car
Heather: Oh, wow, did that really happen? I just Googled it, I think it happened in 2010? “Caught egg-handed,” though, E! Really? (I miss Santana.)

I’m excited for the return of The Fosters but I’m afraid we will get a Brallie baby scare and that makes me a little repulsed
Heather: I am excited too! If a Braille baby happens, I will throw my television into the ocean.

LANEIA why do periods change when you hit your mid-20s. ARE THEY GOING TO DO THIS EVERY DECADE. i cannot.
Laneia: READER, I believe our periods change because our bodies change, all the time, forever, and so yes I think they’ll keep changing and being new and old all at once. Can I tell you a secret? Laura Wooley is putting together an extensive project that will very likely answer your question from top to bottom, so I hope you’re excited to read it!

When will the lesbian anarchist commune be ready?
Laneia: Right now I’m working on my astral projection skills and I think that should speed things along.

I see you, AS editors and writers, working on the holidays, Carmen replying to every comment on the Christmas Open Thread, more posts on New Year’s Eve and such. I appreciate you and hope you had rad holidays in between working for AS!
Riese: Yes we always work holidays because we are COOL but you know what I think I personally did not check the internet for at least two days this holiday season and for that I would like to thank Carmen AND the senior editors who did check in my stead.

Do you all watch Mozart in the Jungle? Because there is a super hot lady kiss in the 2nd season. (I also have a thing for cellists)
Heather: I am mad at that show right now for robbing my actual favorite TV shows from winning Golden Globes. (But I obviously will look up that kiss!)

i just finished season 2 of the 100 and I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION FOR SOME REASON THAT CLARKE AND ANYA ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER?????????????????????????????????????? so i was reading all of this stuff into it and then um obviously that didn’t happen but just saying, i’d so ship clarke and anya relationship of clarke and lexa. i started thinking i’d imagined reading it because i didn’t actually notice any chemistry between them. anya <33333333
Riese: I did the same thing! I had a vague recollection of a picture of Clarke with a dark-haired girl I’d been told was her love interest and so as soon as I saw Anya I was like, ‘welp, there she is!” and it took me like an entire season to realize that this was not the case.

Hi Riese! So, did you like “Carol”? xxx
Riese: Hi! I did! I did like Carol.

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