Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we started dedicating an entire post to them instead! This A+ feature now exchanges bi-monthly with our column, Into the A+ Advice Box. We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We’ve included as many questions as we can. We love you and your hair looks fantastic today!

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A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Hello Autostraddle you are great thank you for all that you do! How do I change my address in my A+ account? The address you have in my subscription reminder email is about four addresses ago, I doubt you will be posting me anything, but I still feel like I should update this information. I cannot figure out how to do this!

Cee: Ask Riese! I don’t know!

Riese: I also don’t know! But it’s true that we won’t be sending you anything. Maybe someone in the comments has done it and can tell us.

I just upgraded to gold membership and I’m so excited about it! Thanks so much for all you do! Also, I saw the note about how giving membership as a gift isn’t an option yet… I hope this becomes a reality soon, I would love to gift membership to my girlfriend!

Riese: I hope so too! It’s just not part of the functionality right now. :-/ Previously we had an intern processing them manually, but because we can’t afford to pay interns, we decided to stop having interns, so now we can’t do them. :-(

Why do I have to sign in about every two weeks even though I check the “keep me signed in” box and allow for AS cookies/cache? It’s annoying.

Cee: You probably found a bug! I’ll add it to my to do list. (Oh, I just found this out: WordPress keeps you logged in for 48 hours by default. If you click the “Remember Me” checkbox, it will remember you for 14 days.)

Can we please get a “sustainability dyke” pin? I would love that so much.

Laneia: Generally speaking, I think we need 100% more dyke merch.

Sarah: WOW, agree Laneia! Let’s start with an all-encompassing dyke something (shirt?) and then potentially drill down into the sub-cats of dykeology. I like where your head’s at! Also can you please tell me more about sustainability dykes in the comments? They sound HOT.

I am but only one dyke, but this weekend I bought a membership and something expensive that I’ve been looking at (but on sale!) from REI because of their sponsorship of Autostraddle. So you should tell them their marketing has been successful :)

Sarah: A H H H H H holy shit, that’s incredible, thank you for passing on this v cute and v amazing message. I just sent it to them!

Laneia: I don’t know if I’ve ever really loved anything as much as I love y’all’s support of our sponsored content.

CAN AS GET A CONVERSE AFFILIATES LINK ASAP PLEASE!

Sarah: LOL, here you go babe. Go WILD!

PLEASE will you make dog clothing in the Autostraddle store. I would love nothing more than to dress my pup in Autostraddle swag.

Laneia: Truly how has this not happened yet?

Sarah: Well Laneia, as it happens we did sell a Gender Traitor onesie for about 200 years that I think Carmen Sandiego bought 12 of, but like, no one else did, and then we made them $5 and yet, still, no one wanted them. This happens when we introduce an unlikely merch item (past failures have included flasks, pencil cases, underwear). So as much as I want to grant you this wish, we do not at the moment have the disposable income to try on this ADORABLE idea. Perhaps in the future. Woof.

I really hate to have to do this but I may have to install Adblock here as the anti-smoking video ads are really getting in the way of reading.

Sarah: Ew, whatttt. No. I’m so sorry. There were some very gross anti-smoking AdCouncil ads that appeared when we first switched our ad networks, and I was able to get them blocked automatically, but they weren’t VIDEOS. Holy shit. Are they from ThisFreeLife, or is it the more grim and creepy AdCouncil ads? Did they have autoplay sound or were they silent, but moving? Either way, will you do me a favor and please not block our ads just yet, but instead take a screenshot of the next one you see and send it to me (sarah@autostraddle.com)? I will make sure it gets taken down right away.

Would there be a way to make a link (or button?) to the A+ inbox at the top of the page? So you don’t have to scroll all the way to the bottom to get to it? Just curious!

Sarah: On desktop it looks like you have to do one teeny scroll to arrive at the inbox. I do have a little hack to accomplish what you’re wanting to do on mobile. I would recommend clicking the Comments bubble at the top of the page. That’ll take you all the way down to the very bottom. And if there are like 8,000 comments (which, we wish but that’s not really the internet we live in today), you can click “Submit a Comment” which will ricochet you to the end of the comments thread.

Hey hey, I have tried to install the Amazon affiliate chrome extension (on Mac) several times over the past year but it always gives me an error message. Maybe look into that? I want you to get that money! Xoxo

Sarah: I have also tried to install this extension and it also does not work for me! Instead I just bookmarked our direct Amazon affiliate link and have it tabbed in my browser window for easy access!

Any chance you’re going to put the latest red A-camp sweatshirt online in your shop? A bunch of larger babes didn’t get to buy one at camp because you ran out, and I can’t help but feel left out.

Sarah: Hi! I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance to get one! We usually order about 100 sweatshirts and only sell about 60% of them, so we significantly cut down our order this year. I know there’s one white A-Camp sweatshirt from last year that’s going up either today or tomorrow, and it’s personally one of my favorite sweatshirts of all time. <3

Hi Autostraddle team! I love you all so much and just got back from Camp quite aglow! I want to increase my monthly payment amount, but the options under “Change Plan” didn’t seem to have an option for that since I’m already gold. Is there a way to increase my monthly amount to $50?

Riese: Firstly thank you for your generosity! Secondly, there is not unfortunately BUT you can add a monthly recurring donation through Paypal by clicking the big button on this page and then you can click “make this donation monthly.”

Hello Little A+ Box! I’m glad you are there for our random comments Keep being you!

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

I totally got catfished, then ghosted, by a dude pretending to be a lesbian on Tinder (we sexted for a few hours one weekend). On the one hand: Gross Gross Gross!! But on the other hand, this is the first time in too many years that I felt sexy and desirable to someone else! I’ve been masturbating again for the first time in years. I guess that’s good, right? We all need to be turned on sometimes, right?

Heather: Yeah, that guy fucking sucks! But you — you! — came out of that situation empowered and orgasm-ed so way to go!

Laneia: OMG Heather “came out of that situation”.

Hey I just bought a 4 pack of hanes boyfriend boxer briefs (for women) at Target. I had never seen them before, but they are extremely good and I just felt like you should know.

Riese: HOW LONG ARE THEY??! They used to make really amazing ones that were long (I like them to go all the way over the butt and slightly below, like how men’s boxer/briefs fit, b/c pantylines) and I tried the new edition a few years ago and I think there’s a NEW NEW edition but I’m scared they won’t be long enough. Or maybe it’s my butt.

There’s a new cute human that started working in my department and she has an undercut. What are the chances these days of undercut = queer?

Rachel: I feel like pretty high actually! I feel like the moment of straight people getting undercuts has passed over us, like a storm in the night.

My fave gay bookshop had a photo contest on the subject of queers reading and I think they are beautiful.

Heather: Oh wow, you are right, they are beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

Ok, this is maybe just my OCD speaking, but in the very beloved “Autostraddle Insider,” Why are the pictures on the number lists never aligned with the items in those lists? Here’s an example. Is there a specific reasoning behind this or is it just kinda random?

Riese: Oh the collages I arrange in a way that looks good to me personally, like I wouldn’t want to images of girls kissing right next to each other, or two graphics (as opposed to photographs) next to each other or whathaveyou.

This amazing digital exhibition is happening via the Smithsonian Asian Pacific American Center – “A Day in the Queer Life of Asian Pacific America” – and I wanted to share b/c I’m always encouraged to see more AAPI Queer representation and content. Hope you’re well! I fucking love this site and community.

Carmen: Hot damn, this is AMAZING. I’m with you – more AAPI queer representation is needed, always. I hope this helps make a wave to change that.

I’m finally watching The L Word and Shane is giving me a Stef vibe (but Stef has better fashion sense). Has anyone else noticed this?

Riese: mmm… no. I mean I have known Stef for 12 years and love her a lot and there is definitely nothing about her that reminds me of Shane besides maybe that they both wear eye makeup? But they do it very differently, so!

My wife and I just moved to our new house this week. She had to be away this weekend, so I was faced with my first weekend in our house by myself. I did some unpacking and cleaning and lounging on our new (nearly unfathomable!) backyard patio. I did all of those things with Dolly Parton as my soundtrack.

To this day, even with all the other amazing content AS has published, Heather’s essay about Dolly Parton is not only my favorite thing I’ve read on this website, but probably anywhere. And I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you!

Heather: You have truly made my day, friend. Thank you. That’s also my favorite thing I’ve ever written. (I did a Dolly playlist when I was planting my container garden last weekend. What’s your top Dolly playlist songs?)

Back in the birthday roundtable someone – Rachel, I think? – said the ideal birthday was one that someone else did all the planning and decision making; I chimed in to say hard same. WELL that inspired me to book a guided kayaking trip for my birthday this year, so thank you for sparking the thought that helped me attempt to make my own dreams real. And also, Rachel have you considered a guided weekend doing something you like? That’s my hot tip. I’ll report back on how it turns out.

Rachel: Oh this is such a cool idea, it’s always really wild and fulfilling to hear that something of mine someone read impacted an IRL decision they made in the real world, so thank you for sharing this! I have never considered this but it might be great? I really like the like ‘chef’s tasting menu’ option in fancy restaurants where they just bring you a bunch of things you don’t have to choose from and they’re all delicious, is it like that.

I just finished Chronology of Water: A Memoir by Lidia Yuknavitch, a book recommended here. OHMYGOD, that is some mind-blowing writing. Tragically, there is no one IRL I can discuss it with. Wow, that is some amazing writing that stretched my lazy brain. I hope it has rewired some of my circuits. Thanks, Riese!

Riese: YOU’RE SO WELCOME! Isn’t it so great? There is so much contemporary women’s memoir by queer authors in the world right now it’s a blessed time to be alive!

Queer, body positive ballet classes you can follow along to at home!

Carmen: Listen, I know nothing about ballet but this is so beautiful! Everyone, the link is a video! Watch the video! Follow along at home! You get to love your body and be graceful in your living room! It’s so great.

Laneia: Reader, I screamed.

Message my mom just sent me: “there is a series on hbo you might like – Gentleman Jim.”

Heather: Perfect. That is absolutely perfect.

Just wanted to say how great The L Word podcast is! It’s the first podcast I’ve been able to get my girlfriend to listen to. She also inadvertently started playing it without headphones on the plane the other day, so hopefully that netted y’all a few more listeners.

Riese: Wow honestly the airline should have paid YOU for providing that for everybody! I feel like it’s very important in relationships for both people to be into podcasts so I’m glad that you have found one podcast even though it’s just one podcast for you to enjoy together!

Hello! I would just like to say that I have started a group chat with people in 3 different states/countries, many of whom don’t even know each other, just to be really excited about Gentleman Jack together. What a delight! 10/10 would recommend.

Heather: It’s for absolute sure my favorite season of television ever! I’m glad you loved it too! 🎩

Hello hi I just wanted to share the breaking news that Heather Hogan’s picture is currently result #13 when you image-search Lupita Nyong’o and I cannot stop laughing.

Heather: If you search “Carol misandry” the first image will lead you write to an Autostraddle dot com article I wrote about its Oscar snub!

Today’s the first Father’s Day since my dad disowned me, and holy wow this sucks more than I thought it would. Is this ever going to get easier?

Laneia: Ok this isn’t the same thing, very nearly at all, but I wanted to say that my dad is dead as a doornail and has been for 10 years and I fucking HATE Father’s Day so at least you should know that you’re not alone in that very specific feeling!!! Also though I love you and I’m sorry your dad disowned you. What an opportunity he wasted.

Carmen: I have a super fucked up and complicated relationship with my dad that is not necessarily about my queerness, but in so many ways it absolutely is, and Father’s Day is my least favorite holiday of the year. I know that isn’t the most helpful, but I wanted you to know that you absolutely aren’t alone in this. Like Laneia said, I love you and this is his loss. You are a prize! He’s missing out.

Is it weird to go to pride and just watch the parade when you’re LGBT? I was at pride and everyone else was straight/straight passing and cis/cis passing, a little kid or in the parade. Except a few guys.

Heather: No, it’s not weird at all! That’s how MOST LGBT people I know go to Pride parades!

Riese: I am so sad to hear that this is what the Pride parade crowd looked like. I think the last Official Pride Parade I went to was in San Francisco in 2015 and it was an epic bore but we definitely were not the only queers there (and my partner was definitely not straight passing). But yes, we are supposed to be spectators, not just marchers!

Carmen: Oh yeah, I’ve never actually marched in a Pride parade in my life. Very strong on team spectator! You are not alone my friend!

“Sponsored by REI”??!! What?! Woohoo!! Go AS!!

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION/ ARTICLE IDEAS

Do you have any recommendations of books to read or resources to look into, for a queer someone (me!) who wants to become a foster parent or adopt (specifically as it relates to teens)? Thanks!

Carmen: I’m sending this request over to Casey, our resident LESbrarian! Let’s see what happens!

What percentage of respondents to the Lesbian Stereotypes survey said they were on the asexuality spectrum?

Riese: 8.5%

Rachel – “And we would love and are actively soliciting more content about dating outside apps/the internet.” THANK YOUUUU

Rachel: You’re welcome! Also you can Be the Change, etc, feel free to suggest/pitch ideas for this!

I have a question and a suggestion. My question is, how do we hold loved ones accountable when we learn that they have been perpetrators of violence or abuse? As the person’s friend, family member, etc, what is our responsibility to them and to those they have harmed? I’ve been thinking about this question, and realized that I would have no idea how to handle this situation if it ever arose. I talked to a friend who felt the same way. We talked about how we want to be prepared with strategies and resources, but we don’t know where to start, and the thought occurred: Could we maybe have either a workshop at A-Camp on transformative justice and community accountability, and/or a written guide on this topic?

Rachel: This is hard to give a blanket answer for because while I’m not an expert in transformative/restorative justice, often its basis is that it’s led by and centered around the person who was harmed and what they say they need, so it will look different in different situations and may not really be on you to decide how to handle the situation so much as create a space wherein a person or group who was harmed feels authentically safe and supported in imagining what healing or making restitution for harm would look like for them and asking for it, and then taking responsibility as part of your commitment to them to communicating that to a person who has caused harm and try to hold them accountable to it.

One thing I’ve seen happen or have had people in my life articulate as a want for addressing their abusers is for people in their life to sit down with them and have the difficult conversation about why what they did was harmful/abusive, and telling them if it’s a pattern of behavior with them, and committing to calling them on it or stopping them in the future — but that isn’t the only way for this to look, I don’t think. Transformative justice may also have to do with transfer of material resources, as poverty/going without/inability to support oneself is often a consequence of harm (this is also where we start to get into the relationship between justice and the idea of reparations, I think).

This isn’t quite your question but FreeFrom is a very cool org that kind of gets at this! I also think it’s important to remember that in its ideally realized form, transformative justice is a community response, not an individual/one-on-one thing; so one thing you can think about doing is building networks and community with people who also hold this as a value and want to enact it as a reality in their lives and communities, and start working on this and talking about it together! I really like the collection of reading on this from Critical Resistance!

Season Two of AP Bio has a lesbian character!!!!! (Well, I guess she was also there in S1, but they just confirmed she’s gay in the first episode of S2, so.)

Heather: Oh dang! Thank you! I will make a note for someone on the TV Team to check that right the heck out!

Are you going to answer more questions/ do more advice posts?

Heather: Yes, always! Every month! Forever/the foreseeable future!

I’ve reported this before, so sorry for the repeat, but I notice she’s still not on the Dead Lesbian/Bisexual List: Mr. Kaplan from The Blacklist was explicitly queer in the text (we find this out through flashbacks, “Kaplan” is the name of her partner, and they refer to her as Mr. because Reddington likes a good mystery) and dies in the season 4 finale. Thanks!

Riese: Okay she has been added!

Hi Riese, would you feel comfortable writing about the emotionally abusive relationship that you referred to in a recent roundtable? I’m coming out of something which has left me really questioning my take on reality and I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it. Thank you either way!!

Riese: Ooo I hope you were at A-Camp because I read a thing. If not… I’m not sure. I think it comes up in my writing here and there quite a bit, but I still struggle to write anything about it, I think because despite everything I will always love and care about that person and I still feel protective of her! I got through it honestly not that well — there was the aggravated situation that it left me in possession of a house I did not want in a small town I did not want to live in that I single-handedly had to repair and sell, at immense financial loss, in order to move on with my life and move to a place where I would have friends! So I had so much anger and resentment about that on top of everything else, and my options were limited w/r/t moving on — like Ii wasn’t able to go out and see friends or anything because I didn’t really have any, which was how I got through other breakups. Right afterwards I was in contact with Cameron, Laneia, Heather and Kristin a lot of the time, just on text, and they were all really good at being there for me when I needed them. I had a support group on Reddit that I leaned on a lot — ppl with similar experiences to mine (I don’t really wanna get more specific than that with what kind of group it was) was immensely helpful — and I also went into therapy with a trauma specialist with the goal of processing that trauma, rewiring my brain, figuring out who I am again, honestly in some ways learning how to speak and assert and trust myself again. I basically re-wrote our entire relationship in my journal trying to sort out what happened which felt like indulgent and depressing but I think was a useful exercise.

I was lucky to have someone I kinda dated right afterwards and then someone else I definitely dated right after that (both long distance), which I think were band-aids, but definitely not stitches. But that helped to make me understand that other people could treat me better. I don’t want that to be the solution because it’s something we rarely have control over (whether or not we’ll date someone else), but I feel it’s important to disclose when talking about my process.

I did spend a few months just starving and crying while my hair fell out, tbh. I kept working. Erin lived with me for a while and Sarah, my only friend who lived nearby, hung out a lot. Honestly it will not get better overnight. I am still not better and there are parts of me that might never be. In some ways the process has been more intense since my right-after relationship ended, in terms of sorting out where the opportunity for growth is in all of that, how to set up my life to be less vulnerable to one person taking it over, really getting to know myself and what I want. Melissa Febos’ Abandon Me has a really incredible description of an emotionally abusive relationship that I found pretty affirming, and of course Maggie Nelson’s Bluets is the ultimate break-up book. Most of all just don’t be too hard on yourself, okay? Sometimes just feeling okay, just getting through the day, is enough.

Is it possible to get timestamps for the GIBWK videos? Sometimes I want to hear a specific thing/topic, but don’t have an hour or more to watch the whole video. Having timestamps would be super helpful for that! Thx!

Heather: We actually don’t have the resources to have someone go through and create a list of timestamps for certain questions, I’m sorry!

Can you go back to doing more advice column stuff? That’s one of the primary reasons I stay an A+ member. Thank you!

Laneia: Can you clarify in the comments (or drop another note in the A+ inbox!) if you’re talking about specifically team-written advice posts, or just advice in general? We’ve published some very good pieces from Christina Tesoro lately! I just want to make sure I know what kind of advice y’all are looking for!

You should really really talk about/to Asiahn!!!! She’s this incredible Black lesbian R&B singer. I think people don’t realize that she’s a lesbian, but she is, and she sings about women!

Carmen: OMG! Just added her to my list! Women singing R&B about other women is my ultimate catnip!

Because the world is a terrible hellscape and also mental illness is a thing, I pretty much exclusively watch extremely wholesome tv – sitcoms like B99 and ODAAT are great, but I’d also love to expand outside of just sitcoms. I got into Pose which I had on my list for ages. I didn’t realise it was basically Step Up. but serious and queer, aka 100% of my interests! (I’ve only seen two episodes) – Do you have any roundups of TV recommendations for when the world is terrible and you just want some joyful escapism?

Heather: I have made a list for people just like me and you!

Carmen: I forgot to submit for that list Heather mentioned, so just in case my choices are Brooklyn 99 andShe-Ra.

Riese: I can’t remember if I participated in this list or not but I would add Grown-Ish and Schitt’s Creek to it!

Laneia: Honestly this is just a +1 for Schitt’s Creek which was 90% of my reason for living earlier this year.

Why are all the queers asking me about my enneagram? I’ve finally just learned astrology! And there’s a whole new thing again! And why do they all nod knowingly and pityingly when I recite 2w3 as my answer??

Rachel: I had a hearty commiserating chuckle at “nod knowingly and pityingly” – a lot of us also like the enneagram a lot! We also reviewed this very cool queer enneagram book, too, that will hopefully answer some of those questions. You should read about your type! It’s alarming and illuminating!

Hiii. I’m interested in a roundup of audiobooks available on Audible that are full of queers! Or just good, even if it’s not gay. I just finished Stray City (because it was recommended here!) and I would love more.

Carmen: I love this suggestion! (I always wish I was more of an audiobook person, maybe this could be my big chance!)

Hey y’all!!!! My A+ subscription got accidentally cancelled because of some stupid credit card stuff (all my fault, nothing to do with you lovelies), which was super sad cause I didn’t have A+ for Autostraddle’s birthday so I couldn’t wish you an especially happy birthday through here, but I finally got my shit together and re-subscribed today. So. Hello again!!! Sorry for not paying you these last two months! I love you so, so, so much though. And I’m so happy you’ve been around for the last ten years (even if I’ve only been here for the last almost-four), and I really hope you continue to exist for a very long time (and will do my best to help you at continuing to exist) cause you brighten my days, always. Anyways. It’s nice to be back, I hope you had an amazing AS birthday celebration and I hope there are many more to come!

Riese: THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Carmen: YAAAAAY! So glad to have you back! 🎉 🎉 🎉

Heather: Hurrah! Welcome home!

Rachel: Thank you so much we missed you!

Laneia: Thank you!!!

Straight people watch Spring 2K19 I’m begging

Erin: You have to respect the enthusiasm here! Thank you for the push, it’ll be on its way soon xx

Could use a good list of shows with queerness that aren’t obvious and are very good that I can get my straight sister into watching over the summer together

Heather: I will give you some suggestions in the comments, but I need more details! When you say the queerness isn’t obvious, do you mean it’s not a show specifically about gay people? Like gay characters in an endemble, or supporting characters? Or like surprise gay characters that show up in seaosn three? What genre? And what, to you, qualifies as “very good”?

Hey, can articles from The New York Times and other websites with a free article limit have a note or star on them in link roundups, nice to know before I click the link if I’ll be able to read it.

Laneia: Ah I do wish that I could accommodate this ask! There are a lot of places with article limits these days and then list is definitely growing, so I won’t be able to keep everyone abreast of which sources are limited and which aren’t. However! One workaround would be to read all the link roundups in incognito mode. If you’re on a desktop situation, you can hover over the link and the destination URL will appear on the screen. In mobile, you can long-press on the link and a prompt will pop up with options like opening the link in a new tab, read later etc, and the destination URL also appears there. Hopefully this helps!

Just droppin’ in to say Tuca from Tuca & Bertie is bisexual and voiced by Tiffany Haddish and I feel like Tuca & Bertie in general is the type of fun thoughtful feminist romp y’all would appreciate in general.

Rachel: I really liked Tuca & Bertie! Love that Tuca was bisexual and ALSO are we not going to discuss Coach Maple and her wife! God I want nothing more than to be an owl married to a butch in the middle of nowhere making weird art out of eggs when I grow up.

How do we submit advice questions outside of the A+ box? I know there was an email address you could send them too, and the last y’all need help had a link to a form through this website, but the most recent advice stuff doesn’t appear to have any links/info on how to do it or if those methods still work. If this info could be updated somewhere that would be great!

Laneia: It’s still the form! We’ll be sure to include that info on all advice posts going forward!

I would love to read an article on the queer hairstyles of World Cup! Xoxo

Heather: Mmm. This is a really good idea!

Carmen: My primary interest in the World Cup is to look for new crushes and babes, which is to say – this is VERY MUCH relevant to my interests!

Reading “Some Answers to Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us” caused me to upgrade my membership from Cobalt to Bronze, so, cool.

MISC

ARE THE MEMBERS OF THE BAND “BOY” QUEER OR WHAT?

Rachel: “There she met some girl bass players and got interested in the instrument.” Feels gay to me, idk!

Is Maggie Rogers queer? Y/N? My friend and I really need to know what you guys think.

Laneia: Ok well a very quick wikipedia search has given me the following info:

During her senior year, she turned a broom closet into a makeshift studio and recorded what became her first album, The Echo (2012).

She cites Carrie Brownstein, Patti Smith, Kim Gordon, and Björk as her musical inspirations.

And so I have no choice but to believe that Maggie Rogers is queer, yes.

I thought this was cute!

Heather: Love this!

Carmen: I also love this and would like to ask that all Teddy Bear Butches and Dandy Butches be sent my way. Thank you.

So, in your experience what does it mean when someone says “one of those Autostraddle girls” ??

Carmen: I assume they mean cool girls, but approachable. You know, “Regina George, but make it friendly.” At least that’s vibe I used to associate with Autostraddle staff members and the Straddler community before I started getting more directly involved.

Heather: It depends on who’s saying it, I would reckon. Like if it’s an AfterEllen fan, they probably mean “Those cis girls and trans girls and non-binary people just pal-ing around loving each other and trying to make the world better and brighter for each other, always refusing to be bigots like us! Those Autostraddle girls!” Or if it’s like someone who values smart funny writing and inclusitity, they probably mean it like “My family, those Autostraddle girls!”

Riese: Does it mean that they work here?

Laneia: Lol this phrase is too dependant on who is saying it! I don’t trust anyone who calls an entire group of people ‘girls’ though, so.

Rachel: I feel like it means people who work here and also like, that person has a caffeine withdrawal headache today, or something.

My boss told me he finds matters of equality (gender and race and LGBT stuff) “so American”. (I live and work in Western Europe). I was so confused by that statement. What do you think it means? Have you ever heard something like that? Love the site and reading all your great writing!!

Carmen: I have NEVER heard of anything like that! Inequality exists… everywhere? And people are organizing against it world wide, in every country. (To be honest, I can imagine someone thinking that social and structural inequality is a uniquely “American” problem because catchy or comforting and it absolves that person from having to look at the problems in their own home, but I think ultimately it’s bullshit.)

Riese: Honestly I think your boss is probably just a jerk? I think Americans are very individualist often so certain identity markers might be more important to us than, say, family or community or cultural markers. I do think that the U.S. tends to have like a lot of people from different racial or religious backgrounds than some countries in Europe, right? I’m not sure. We’re sort of sold as like the great “melting pot” and America being a home for all who need one is baked into our national identity although right now we have a president who absolutely does not believe in any of those things!!! And like a whole lot of people in our government and our country don’t believe that.

Heather: In my experience, it’s never a good thing to be called “so American” — but it does remind me of my favorite ADR in What a Girl Wants when Amanda Bynes gets locked in her bathroom and then shows up and accidentally crashes a fashion show and falls offstage and one of the British ladies in the crowd goes “MUST BE AMERICAN.”

Laneia: Hmmmm yes I think it means your boss is a turd.

Rachel: This is so funny to me! I feel like I probably don’t have the perspective to say this since I am American, but I do sometimes get the sense that (some) people in (some) European countries like to think that racism and misogyny etc are just embarrassing backward American issues, and are totally Fixed where they live (much like how people in New England, where I’m from, like to think these problems exist only in the American South). This attitude is very funny to me really wherever and whoever holds it!

Where can I find cool queer printed button up/down shirts that are not like $75 + ? I love Wildfang, but I’m broke & my local thrift options are Not Great, lol

Mika: I think Forever 21 and H&M right about now – during Spring/Summer collections – are your best bet for affordable print shirts!

Is it weird that I’m probably older than her but still want Vanessa to be my Jewish mother?

Vanessa: Haha, hi, Vanessa here! Nope not weird at all – I have a very sweet friend who is a mom to a brilliant 9 year old and she always says, “I’m not YOUR mom but I’m A mom” before giving amazing mom advice, so I’m here to say – I’m not YOUR Jewish mother but I will be A Jewish mother one day, so feel free to consider yourself adopted if that brings you joy. Also, I love giving bossy advice that is ultimately for your own good even if it’s not what you wanna hear so if you have any questions you want answered in such a manner, feel free to write in! And if you just want to hear that I love you and you’re doing a good job and I’m proud of you? Well, DUH. ❤️❤️❤️

My friends have been calling me a “basic butch” lately, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

Riese: Mmmm… I would imagine that it means you play guitar, like cooking for girls and also bringing them coffee in bed, enjoy canoeing and hiking, have 1+ plaid/flannel shirts, are beloved by all of your extended family, are prenaturally adept at handling babies, can do some basic household repairs, sometimes forget that you have your period? This is a guess. All of those things are good things though. It could also mean like a series of other things, it could really mean anything at all, I was really hoping someone else might answer this….

Favorite ice cream? (or for the lactose intolerant, favorite frozen dessert?)

Riese: This is impossible because Ben & Jerry’s have created so many cute flavors!!! Especially now with all that core business!! Love the cores! Mint chocolate chip is probably my go-to. I like salted caramel situations. I like BJ “Everything But The…”. Honestly I can’t pick. I like the fancy ice cream places like Salt & Straw who make weird pretentious flavors. Also this Blueberry Cheesecake situation from Stucci’s in Ann Arbor.

Carmen: No contest, Ben & Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey.”

Heather: Cookie au Lait and Coconut Key Lime.

Laneia: Butter Pecan from literally anywhere OR the peach ice cream from Peach Park in Clanton, Alabama. Please note how difficult it was for me, a native Tennessean, to let this opportunity to give a backhanded compliment to the entire state of Alabama pass me by. The restraint!!!!

Rachel: I’m really not sure! Maybe I just don’t care about ice cream that much? There is a black raspberry ice cream at the tiny ice cream stand by my mother’s house that I used to love; I like the Green Tea Mochi ice cream from Trader Joe’s; sometimes I get strong cravings for cookies n’ cream.

Do y’all have any good app recs similar to Lumosity? I’m concerned about the fact that I… literally cannot remember a single thing these days? Lol

Heather: How about a meditation app like Calm or Headspace?

Check it out! Small grants for fat trans & queer folks’ projects!

Carmen: WOW I REALLY LOVE THIS

Does anyone have experience with traveling internationally with strap-ons/dildos?

My girlfriend and I are going to this super romantic resort in Mexico in a few months for a friend’s wedding. We were so excited to have some alone time (we live with my parents >.< ) and try out new things, but recently the brother-in-law said that women travelers are more likely to get picked out by customs. And that when you get chosen they pull every single thing out of your suitcase and lay it out on a table in front of everyone. I think I could psych myself up enough to handle it if I HAVE to but god that sounds embarrassing. (We’re flying with the bride and groom too.) Any tips?? Thank you!

Riese: This is… truly news to me! I’ve been to Mexico with Olivia (to a lesbian resort) (plz note if you hae read the Lesbian Cruise Article going around that we spoke with the founder of Olivia and their staff reps prior to our trip about trans inclusion and they assured us trans women and nb folks were welcome and that they had trans people on their team…. otherwise we would not have gone, I’m not sure why Buzzfeed got a different answer to that question!) and didn’t hear of this happening to anyone. But, depending also on other elements of your identity (name, race) you might be more vulnerable to being stopped. BUT also — just check your bag? That seems like the best solution! You can also ship things directly to the resort to bypass security.

Carolyn: I’ve never been anywhere with sex toys besides the US and Canada! I can’t speak to any other international travel. My tip is that sex toys are cool and it’s hard to get over internalized sexual shame but (assuming the place you’re traveling there might be social consequences and not legal ones) to honestly remember everyone is just afraid of you for being chill about sexuality. The best way to handle the TSA going through your sex toys is to smirk just enough that they know that shaming you will give them no power, because you are not ashamed.

Also, you should research the archaic sex laws of wherever you’re flying, including many states in the US where having too many butt plugs or whatever is not allowed.

Vanessa: Hi! Okay I am not an expert but I have traveled internationally and domestically with dildos and other sex toys and in short, whatever happens is going to be fine. I know you know this, but I’m just saying it again for reassurance. The main thing I’m always worried about when I travel with my sex toys is that they will somehow get confiscated, and even that, while pricey and depressing, would not be the end of the world. Also, it’s never happened, even with my nipple clamps, which I think I feel extra nervous about because of that episode on The L Word where the TSA person *does* confiscate the nipple clamps! But it’s never happened IRL.

So let’s review, what are the worst things that could happen?

1. A customs person unpacks every single item in your suitcase and puts your sex toys on display.

2. Your sex toys get taken away.

As long as you pretend to be chill, everyone else around you will probably follow suit. I often will say out loud “that’s a sex toy!” if a customs person is checking out my stuff and honestly sometimes they will end up not touching it then and sometimes they say “we know, we have to check it anyway” and then I shrug and say, “okay.” I’ve never had a partner with me when I’m traveling with sex toys so frankly I’m jealous – this could be a really funny and cute story for you and your girlfriend to have together! If y’all are cool calm and collected, it’ll be total smooth sailing for you and at best the person checking your bag will be very chill as well and at worst you can feel relaxed while they feel flustered. The important thing here, the true important thing here, is that you and your girlfriend deserve to have fun sexy times at a super romantic resort in Mexico, and anyone who tries to stand in your way is NOT A TRUE FRIEND!!! Yes, including the airport staff. Yes, you can tell them I said that. HAVE FUN!!!!! ❤️

Taylor Swift said she likes King Princess and Killing Eve (especially Villanelle) and Conversations with Friends. Do any of y’all know of any straight women to have ever enjoyed all these things and not just enjoyed but *put them in magazine spreads about things they love*

Riese: No – except for straight women who only hang out with gay women and complain about how they can never find a good boyfriend while all their friends are like JUST BE GAY ALREADY.

Carmen: Wow Riese, I was definitely that straight woman for the first part of my 20s and I have never heard it described so succinctly until right now.

The new Taylor Swift video: On the trajectory of her coming out? Just trying to be an ally? Queer baiting? Everyone is talking about it.

Riese: Sadly, at this point there are two music videos you could potentially be talking about. Honestly I think she is bisexual, or rather I KNOW she is bisexual, but “You Need to Calm Down” is the most inane white cis ally shit I have ever seen and it has made me reconsider what I thought I knew. Like that video to me was her coming out as being not gay? But I still think that technically, she is bisexual. Remember that terrible video she did that was like supposed to have an “Out of Africa vibe” and was extra colonialist? That was an interesting time in our lives.

What are y’all’s moon and rising signs? Did we already talk about this? I feel very invested in this info. Just go around the room and tell me about your charts ILU

Riese: We did talk about this, but it was a while ago! I am Libra Rising and Leo Moon.

Heather: My moon sign is Aries, which Yvonne used to call Aries Fucking Moon, which always made me laugh. My rising sign is Aquarius, which I think, when combined with my sun sign of Sagittarius, makes me a Gentleman Jack.

Carmen:: I have no idea what the moon/ sun/ rising things mean? But my “main” sign is Cancer, and according to this app I downloaded my other two signs are Pisces? I assume all the water signs mean that I cry a lot (I can tell you from personal experience, this is accurate).

Laneia: Aries moon Aquarius rising NO FURTHER QUESTIONS AT THIS TIME PLEASE I HAVE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH.

Rachel: Leo sun, Virgo rising, Libra Moon! Cancer Venus, Aries Mars!

Saw this, thought of Laneia. Can’t explain why, just had a hunch.

Laneia: Oh wow look what I’ll be making and eating every day for the rest of the summer. !!!

Hello there queermos. It has been a while since I popped in here and said something nice, so let me say thank you and that I appreciate all the work you put in to this gay as fuck website! <3

REALLY NICE THINGS YOU TOLD US

Dear Autostraddle (and especially Laneia): Just wanted to let you know that I made myself a cheese board today because I was feeling it and it was delicious! Laneia’s cheese board post has stayed with me for over a year and continues to inspire me. Thank you for giving me the serenity to have a drink, the courage to DIY it, the wisdom to add the pickles, etc etc. XOXO

Laneia: THIS IS BEAUTIFUL 😩 Last night I made Cheese Board Toast, which is when you toast a piece of sourdough and top it with goat cheese, balsamic glaze, honey, gochugaru, torn basil leaves and raspberries, and eat it standing up in your bedroom while you watch the Gentleman Jack finale for the seventh (?) time. Pray tell WHAT KIND OF PICKLES DO YOU ADD.

Hi Autostraddle! My member rewards arrived in the mail today, and on behalf of both myself and my current lap-cat, we would like to compliment you on the interesting smell of the air in the plastic shipping container. Not only nice stickers, but feline enrichment as well! Truly A+ membership has its rewards.

Riese: I’m not sure where that smell came from because there are no cats in this home or anything that smells like a cat cuz if there was I would DIE but I’m very interested in this phenomenon. I’m glad you are enjoying your rewards!

Good morning!!! I just wanted to share that I love queer people SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! And Autostraddle SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!! Thank you <3 <3 <3

Riese: WE DO TOO!

Laneia: LOVE YOUOUOUUUUU!

Rachel: Same!!!! Ily

YAAAAYYYYY! I have been meaning to double my monthly donation to Autostraddle and today I DID and it FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD!!!!! Happy writing yall :)

Carmen: YOU ARE A ROCKSTARRRRRRRRRRR!

Laneia: BLESS YOU THANK YOU

Rachel: thank you so much!!!

I just finished Season 3 of Queer Eye and was reminded how much I love the LGBT+ community and in particular Autostraddle. As I’ve said 1,000,000 times before: You may have saved my actual life as a sad teenager and I will literally never stop being grateful. Thank you and lots of love xoxo

Riese: You’re welcome thank you for taking the time to thank us and for being an A++ member so much. <3<3

Laneia:

Hi there you beautiful people! I’m very excited to finally be able to upgrade to a silver membership today! After a very rocky year wherein I quit my overstretched underpaid nonprofit job on the verge of a breakdown, I recently started at a university that pays significantly more than I’ve ever made for much lower stakes work. (I mean, I’m working for faculty so there’s gonna be some stress and entitlement but no one is gonna be screaming at me or starting fights or asking me to do the work of 3 people, so). I’m so excited to be able to contribute more to support the incredible work you do. I love you so much, keep doing you <3

Heather: Ahhh! Thank you so much, this is so generous! We love you too!

Y’all, I just realized something. I became an A+ member on April 2nd, which I realized because I just got a notification about the payment. I’m pretty sure I became a member because of the April 1st Shenny Extravaganza. I think I saw it and was like, “that’s it, time to get off the fence, I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THIS WEBSITE.”

Carmen: Oh man, Laneia and Riese are going to ADORE THIS!!!

Laneia: Bless you.

Congrats on the REI sponsorship!! This is so cool! What would be the best way to communicate our appreciation and support of this to REI? Email, write a letter, call the corporate offices, or??

Sarah: OMG. This is so adorable, I can’t even. You can send all your love to forall@rei.com. Email me at sarah@autostraddle.com and I can give you some direct contacts too. ❤️

Wow okay I just had a dream (nightmare?!) in which Autostraddle shut down so I just want to say that I love you all and this site is so needed. I’ll be upgrading my A+ membership from Cobalt as soon as I can afford it!!

Carmen: Well, I’m glad it was only a dream! Thank you for helping to keep our website running. ❤️

Just upped my membership a little. Appreciate y’all so much! Thank you for all you do. Xoxo

Riese: thank you thank you we also appreciate YOU SO MUCH!!!

Sponsored!!!
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Oh yeah

Carmen: THIS IS MY EXACT SAME FEELINGS!! Whenever the “dun-duh” HBO box sound comes on before I watch some of their programming, I have taken to silently saying “thank you” under my breath.

I sent y’all some money this morning because Autostraddle is beautiful. Also, because it stopped raining YAY

Laneia: Thank you!!!! Love to be associated with sunshine.

So thankful for your creativity and determination in keeping this wonderful website alive and funded!

Laneia: So thankful for YOU AND I MEAN IT !!!